Here is chapter five. This was hard one to write for me because it's slightly angsty. I am trying to convey the conflicting feelings for both of them. But daylight is beginning to glimmer for Gilbert at the end of this chapter. I needed to have a little Fred and Diana in this one, which will be important later on. Probably two or three more chapters. Thanks to all for reading! I hope you enjoy.
And so summer waned on over the next two weeks. Gilbert and Anne continued to see much of each other, almost to the point of ignoring all else. Their conversations were mostly light and playful, at times down right philosophical, but almost always involved the friendly comradeship that had started all those years ago at the Blythe gate.
They did manage to make time for mutual friends, as they made two trips to the Wright house to pay calls on Fred, Diana and the baby. Diana was surprised, but also thrilled that they seemed to have put the past behind them and renewed their friendship. It was during their first visit that Diana noticed something very different about the way Anne was with Gilbert. While she was always friendly with him when they finally became friends, she never saw Anne show this level of comfort around him. Out of necessity to preserve the status quo, Diana noticed that Anne had always kept Gilbert at somewhat of a distance. Diana had always seen the spark and magnetism between the two of them, even from the very first day of their meeting. It was obvious Anne was oblivious to it and even more obvious that Gilbert wasn't and took it as encouragement that one day led him to press his suit. Diana was disappointed when she found out Anne had refused him. She honestly couldn't understand why, but Anne remained firm she didn't love him. Diana had no choice but to believe her. Rejecting his proposal was surely a clear and definite sign.
But these last two visits had confirmed for Diana that Anne's behavior towards Gilbert was different. She couldn't quite put her finger on what was different until their second visit. Gilbert had asked to hold baby Fred and while he cradled the little boy in his arms he began to sway back and forth as he spoke so gently to him that the others could barely hear what he was saying. Diana had looked at Anne, who was looking at Gilbert. She had a strange look on her face, a look of contentment. It wasn't that Diana had never seen Anne happy before, but this look was almost intimate, like Diana was intruding on a private thought. It was several minutes of silently observing the scene before her that Diana realized that Anne was looking at Gilbert in that moment the way Gilbert had always looked at her. Once this new realization dawned on her, Diana couldn't not see it. It was in the way Anne looked at him, how she talked him, and the simple way she blushed when their hands grazed while passing the baby back and forth. It took Diana another several minutes of silent contemplation before she could make sense of it. She had for years believed her friends would make a match, but she had also been on the receiving end of Anne's endless denials about Gilbert Blythe. She had refused him!
Diana determined to get to the bottom of what she was witnessing and was pleased beyond words when Fred asked Gilbert for a hand with moving some tools in the shed, on the insistence from Gilbert that he was indeed up to the task. The gentlemen exited and Diana seized the opportunity to be alone with Anne.
It was time for baby Fred's nap. Diana laid him down in the nursery while Anne poured tea for both of them.
When the tea was served the ladies settled on the sofa to chat. It didn't take long to get around to the subject of Gilbert and Diana jumped at the opportunity.
"Anne I can't tell you how surprised I was when you brought him with you last week to call on us. I didn't think you two were close at all anymore."
Anne sighed, how was she to explain? "Well, we aren't, I mean we weren't, for while after, well you know."
"After you rejected his proposal," Diana finished.
"Yes, we really had barely spoken since then, at least not anything meaningful. But after his illness he came to see me and we sort of started over again."
"Oh Anne, I can't tell you how happy that makes me. You two were born to be," Diana stopped herself from saying "together" and instead managed to say "good friends."
Anne let out a laugh that savored slightly of bitterness and Diana noticed her body had tensed. If Diana had any doubts before about Anne's feelings for Gilbert being different, they were quickly swept away as she noticed the color drain from Anne's face and tear form in her eye.
"Anne, are you okay? Did I upset you?"
The tear in Anne's eyes slipped down her cheek and all of sudden Anne burst into a flow of tears. "Oh Diana, I am such a fool!" she burst out. Before a rather shocked Diana could respond, Anne continued, "I didn't realize it until I thought he was dying and then it hit me like a wave crashing on the shore."
"What hit you Anne?" Diana asked already knowing the answer.
"I love him! Gilbert, I always have!" More tears streamed down her face. Diana moved over and put her arm around her distraught friend.
"Anne, don't cry. Come tell me everything. It won't do for you to be upset like this when Fred and Gilbert come back. Have some tea and tell me everything."
Anne took a deep breath and tried to remain calm. Suddenly realizing the feelings she was keeping bottled up, she felt the need to unburden herself. "When I heard he was sick I knew then. I love him so deeply. I really didn't know. But when I feared he might die, I couldn't deny it anymore.
Diana was beaming. "Anne, this is wonderful! But why does it upset you so?"
"Because I am too late, Diana. He's in love with someone else."
Diana had heard the rumors of Gilbert's pretty Redmond co-ed. But when she heard nothing about an engagement when he returned home for the summer she almost forgot all about it.
"I think he might be engaged to her. Or if he's not he will be soon. It was all but certain in Redmond circles," said Anne dejectedly.
"Anne that's ridiculous, don't you think if Gilbert were engaged we would know about it?"
"What if they mean to keep it a secret?" asked Anne.
"Why would they do that?"
"I don't know, Diana. I just know that rumors swirled at Redmond about Gilbert and Christine Stuart. It's definitely not nothing." Anne was still upset but had managed to stop her tears.
Diana thought for a moment before responding. If she had been right about Anne being different then she felt reasonably certain she was right about Gilbert being the same. Meaning he still looked at Anne as though she was the only person in the room. Whether or not he was engaged or on his way to being so, Diana felt strongly that either way Gilbert Blythe was still very much in love with Anne Shirley.
"You are putting a lot of stock in rumors Anne. You told me that rumors about your engagement to Roy were going around for months. Rumors don't make it true." What Diana said was certainly true, Anne couldn't deny it. But neither could she dismiss what she had heard, even in the light of everyone being wrong about Roy. They were only wrong about Roy because Anne was foolish enough to believe herself in love until the last possible second. But before she could respond, Diana continued, "I have been watching you both when you have been here these past two weeks and while I see many changes in your behavior to Gilbert, I notice none in his." Anne wasn't sure if that was meant to be encouraging or disheartening.
"I don't understand what you mean, Diana. Why would Gilbert behave differently with me?"
"Oh Anne, the boy has been in love with since he was thirteen years old. The way he's always been around you has always shown how much he cares for you. When you are in the room he doesn't see anything else. It's always been that way. I haven't seen anything to suggest that has changed."
Diana's words perked Anne up a little and she was no longer in danger of hysterics. Anne knew her friend would never try to give her false hope. "But what about Christine?"
"Well it's easy enough to find out. We can just ask him," Diana said. Anne went white. "You mean ask him if he's engaged to her?" asked Anne.
"Of course, why not? It don't see anything wrong with it," Diana reasoned.
"Oh, no Diana you can't!" Anne pleaded. Diana was confused. "Why not?"
Anne thought for a moment and tried to think of a reasonable excuse that a friend could not ask another friend such a question. She came up entirely empty. Diana was right, it was completely logical. It would end her inner turmoil of uncertainty once and for all. But it could also shatter her entire world. She couldn't bear to hear him say he was going to marry Christine, she just couldn't. "Diana, please, please don't ask him about it. I can't bear to hear it if it's true," she pleaded.
"But, Anne, don't you want to know once and for all?"
"I know that what you say make sense, Diana. But I can't. I know it sounds crazy, but I would rather not know. I just at least want to have a nice summer with him, and I can't do that if I know he's engaged. At least now I still have hope."
"Anne, what if he's not engaged and you are wasting your energy being upset over nothing?" Diana asked incredulously.
Anne did not answer her. Instead she took her friends hand in her own and pleaded with her. "Please, promise me you won't ask him! Please, Diana!"
Diana was puzzled by Anne's wish, but never one to deny her friend anything, she relented. "Okay, Anne. I can't believe this is the right thing, but if you wish for me to stay out of it, I will." Diana said with a heavy sigh. She had hoped Anne was beginning to get out of her own way when it came to Gilbert, but it was clear Anne's fear was outweighing her judgment.
"Thank you, Diana." Anne could say no more, for at that moment they heard the back door open and Fred and Gilbert returned from their task. Anne tried mightily to compose herself before they entered the sitting room. Diana, however, covered for her as well as she could and greeted the gentlemen as excitedly as if she hadn't seen them in weeks. Fred was confused by his wife's effusions, while Gilbert stole a glance at Anne. It was evident she had been upset as her eyes were red and it looked as though she had been crying, although she now wore a smile that betrayed her earlier tears. Gilbert's quick mind determined Anne had been worked up over something and Diana was doing her best to give Anne time to compose herself.
"Diana, dear, please calm down you will wake the baby," said Fred as he gave a playful eye roll in Gilbert's direction. Gilbert only nodded at Frank's obliviousness and laughed inwardly, it was just like his friend.
Anne did manage to compose herself and she and Gilbert stayed only another few minutes before they took leave of the Wrights.
Anne promised to call again in a few days and bid her best friend goodbye. The Wrights watched as Anne and Gilbert strolled away. Fred sighed loudly and said, "Do you ever think those two will be able to work it out?"
Diana was surprised at Fred's question. "Why, Fred, what do you mean?" she asked innocently.
"Oh come now Diana, you know what I mean. He's been crazy about her for years," Fred said matter of factly.
"Did he say anything to you today about her?" Fred considered her question and looked at her with crooked smile. "You know a man can't betray a confidence Diana, but lets just say that I know Gilbert and he is still very much in love with Anne."
"Fred! You just said not to betray a confidence!"
"Diana, my dear, I didn't need Gilbert to tell me outright to know. Anyone with eyes can see it. The thing is…" he trailed off.
"What, Fred?" Diana asked intrigued by her husband's sudden interest in the matter.
"I don't know. I mean, I know I don't know Anne as well as you do, but hasn't it seemed like she's been different with him these past couple visits?" Fred asked, proving he was not as oblivious to things around him as his friend Gilbert had thought. "The way she looks at him now, it just seems like…"
"Like what?" asked Diana, truly impressed with her husbands powers of perception.
"Well it's like she's looking at him the way he's always looked at her. If I didn't know better I would say Anne might finally know Gilbert's worth." Fred smiled at his wife who he knew he shocked with his insights.
Diana smiled back and him and said, "I noticed the same thing. But I am afraid Anne may keep getting in her own way. Where Gilbert is concerned she always seems to want to take the path of most resistance." Diana sighed.
"Well lucky for Gilbert he is quite used to that path where Anne is concerned."
"What should we do? Should we, you know, help them along?" Diana said as innocently as a maiden.
"Diana Wright, absolutely not!" Fred turned towards her gave the most stern look his face could muster, although she saw the slight smile behind it. "We will not interfere. They need to figure this all out for themselves. They don't want or need our help." Diana thought back to her conversation with Anne moments ago and couldn't disagree with her husband.
Diana smiled at her husband, "When did you become so wise about love?"
Fred only laughed at his wife and bestowed a gentle kiss on her lips as he took her by the hand and led her back into the house.
On the dusty road back to Green Gables, Anne and Gilbert walked in a mostly companionable silence. Gilbert had offered her his arm, as had become his custom in the past couple weeks, and she took it as they walked along both wishing they knew what the other was thinking in that moment. Anne felt foolish, she knew Gilbert had seen her upset. And she also knew that being a good friend he was likely to ask her about it. Suddenly, Gilbert's voice broke into her thoughts. "That was a nice visit Anne. Thank you for inviting me again.
"Of course," Anne said warmly, "Diana and Fred are always happy to see you."
"Yes, I am afraid I haven't seen much of anyone this summer, well with the illness and all."
"And here I have been monopolizing all over your time!" said Anne, not really sure why she said it. "I don't have a claim on you. You should make more time for your friends, Gil." As she spoke Gilbert unconsciously took his other hand and brought it to where her hand rested in the crook of his arm and covered it with his. "I thought I was," he said quietly. Anne dared not look sideways at him as her whole body shivered at his touch. Realizing his boldness, he removed his hand and kept walking as he inwardly berated himself. Was Anne telling him she was tired of his company?
"But," he began, "if you want me to stop monopolizing your time, that's okay Anne. We don't have to spend so much time together." Gilbert said it with such indifference in his tone, that Anne could not tell if he was joking or not. Not wanting him to believe it in any case, she rushed to assure him.
"Oh, Gil, of course, I don't! I am sorry. I didn't mean to sound like I didn't want you around. I am for some reason not feeling like myself all of a sudden. Forgive me?"
"Anne, stop, there is nothing to forgive. I shouldn't have taken it like that. It's my fault. It's just, well, it was obvious you were upset when Fred and I came in and I just want to make sure you are all right. What was so upsetting?"
Anne thought about the thousands of lies she could tell to explain her behavior. She could make the excuse that seeing the baby made her emotional, or that Diana had told her a sad story, or perhaps she was just missing Matthew a little more today. But she knew he would see through all of that. Her mood was more than just what she had admitted to Diana and she wasn't sure how to verbalize it with Gilbert. But true to her resolve of openness with him, she wanted to.
Gilbert sensed her hesitation and said, "Anne, you don't have to tell me if you would rather not. I just want to help. But I understand if it's a private matter.
"No Gil, it's fine. If am going to be such a poor walking companion you at least deserve to know why," she joked. Not waiting for a response, she continued, "Diana and I were just chatting about life and I guess I got to feeling regretful about some things that just made me a little sad."
Gilbert stopped walking and turned towards her. Anne looked up at him and smiled weakly. "And what does Anne Shirley have to regret in life?" Gilbert asked with no small amount of curiosity.
Not knowing how to respond, Anne tried to be vague. "Everyone has regrets Gilbert."
"Yes, everyone does. But I am asking what regrets you have? I can't imagine there are many that could upset you like that." Her hand still rested in his arm and she lowered it to her side as she looked away from him and took a step back. His nearness was too much for her when her heart was so heavy.
"I guess it's not regrets about something I have or haven't done. Its more about regretting that I thought I knew myself, and what I wanted out of life only to find out I was completely wrong. I regret the people I let come and go out of my life."
Gilbert tensed at her words. "Are we talking about Roy?"
Anne blinked in surprise. No she wasn't thinking about Roy, but she supposed he was part of it too.
"Yes, no, well, yes and no. It's not really Roy, its what Roy represented for me. It's about how I always think I want something in life only to realize it was completely the opposite. I feel like I don't really know myself anymore. And I regret my behavior. Not just where Roy is concerned" What Anne said was true. She felt lost in her new reality and it unsettled her greatly. Learning she loved Gilbert was learning to live in a new way that scared her.
"Anne, we talked about this. You can't punish yourself forever over Roy." Gilbert said, his heart aching.
"It's not just about Roy. Honestly, I wasn't thinking about Roy until you said his name. I hurt other people I care about with my foolishness."
"Anne, I can't believe you ever hurt anyone." Gilbert said confidently, with no small amount of relief that Roy had not been on her mind.
"I hurt you." The words were out before she could take them back. He looked at her, trying to read her thoughts. His mouth was dry and words would not form on his lips. She looked away again, blinking back a tear.
Unsure of her meaning and with no time to process her words, Gilbert did the only thing that came as naturally to him as drawing breath, he tried make Anne feel better, to put her at ease.
"Anne, I was the fool back then. You shouldn't have regrets about hurting me. If anything I should have regrets about ruining our friendship. Please don't be upset, we have put that behind us." If Gilbert had known he was only increasing Anne's pain he would have stopped talking. "I won't say I wasn't hurt, but I understand now and it's nothing for you to regret." Gilbert meant only half of his words. He was the fool back then and he did regret ruining their friendship, but to say he understood was a bridge too far. But he couldn't bear to see her in pain.
Anne's heart was breaking but she managed to steel herself and wipe away her tears. "Gilbert, that wasn't the first or only time I hurt you." She said, almost in a daze.
"Anne, what are you talking about?" Gilbert was confused now, convinced this conversation had derailed out of his control. Anne had a determined look on her face as she answered him.
"How can you forget, Gil? The day you rescued me on the lake, I treated you so terribly. You offered me your friendship and I threw it back at you."
"Anne that was years ago. Again, we have put it behind us. Why are you digging up ancient history?" Gilbert took a step closer to her and tried to get her to look at him. He didn't understand. She did look at him, with a look of sadness, as she said, "It's not ancient history Gil. It's our history." His heart skipped at her words, our history. But before he could speak, she continued, "Can you forgive me?"
Gilbert didn't know what to say because he had no time to unpack all that Anne had just said. If he was reading between the lines he thought she might be saying she regretted rejecting him. But if he was being honest, he realized Anne was trying to reconcile a new understanding of herself. Gilbert had been such a large part of that and the loss of his friendship had affected her more than he ever knew. He cursed himself silently for letting her friendship go. He had been hurt and failed to realize she had been hurt too. Understanding was finally dawning on him. He had always known what Anne had meant to him. But now he was finally realizing just how much he meant to her. His heart was bursting and without thinking he slowly pulled Anne into him, wrapped his arms around her body and embraced her. With his arms around her, Anne realized asking for forgiveness was unnecessary. Gilbert understood her and she knew he always would. Somehow they both knew it wasn't meant to be a romantic embrace, although had anyone been looking on it looked very much like one.
They stood there for several minutes washing away they pain they had caused each other as Gilbert finally gave himself over the realization that for the first time of their acquaintance, he and Anne were on equal footing. He still loved her deeply, and while he remained unsure about her romantic feelings towards him, he finally realized that he was as important to her as she was to him.
He kissed into her hair and pulled away gently. Anne wore a contented smile as he looked at her, her eyes conveying a silent understanding. He offered his arm again and she took it as they resumed their walk. Neither spoke another word the rest of the way to Green Gables. They said goodbye and Anne left Gilbert at the gate as he watched her walk inside.
As he walked home, Gilbert had an odd feeling of joy. He realized it was the same feeling he had the day Anne offered her hand to him at his front gate in her offer of friendship. Friendship wasn't all he wanted from Anne. But he realized without that friendship, he could never have more. He had never taken their friendship for granted, but it took on a whole new meaning as he realized that what he meant to build with her all would rest on this foundation. He determined to make it as strong a foundation as it could be. He was gathering the courage to try again; he only needed a few more answers. He felt certain it wouldn't be long before he knew what was in her heart.