Here's the latest update... I hope you all enjoy. I am curious to see how you all feel about where I take this chapter. Thanks so much for all your lovely reviews! You're all great and I appreciate it!
Gilbert once again found himself walking down the familiar path to Green Gables. He couldn't stay away even when he willed himself. But he had managed to stay away for three days already. Of course, on one of those days Anne had somehow found herself at the Blythe gate under the pretense of returning a book she had borrowed. She began regaling him with stories of Davy's exploits. Gilbert laughed at the boy's behavior as he remembered his own juvenile pursuits. This naturally led them both down memory lane as the swapped war stories about their teaching days. Most of the stories had been told before, but something about them felt new again. It had been a lovely afternoon spent in her company. When he finally made his way up the porch steps he saw his father siting in his chair. Gilbert didn't know long he had been there watching them, but John Blythe said nothing, he only smile widely at Gilbert as he retreated back into the house.
Gilbert was not privy to the conversation of Caroline and John later that evening when Caroline lamented all the time Gilbert was spending with Anne. "What if he gets hurt again?"
John smiled at his wife. "Caroline when was the last time Anne Shirley came calling on our son?"
Caroline tried to remember a time and she honestly couldn't. Not that Anne had never been to see Gilbert but it was always in the company of others. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means that Anne Shirley walked all the way over here to return a book she knows Gilbert has read a hundred times and then lingered at the gate for two hours. I may be out of practice when it comes to young love, but I daresay that girl just might have it as bad for Gilbert as he does for her."
A faint hope crept into Caroline's heart at his observations and she hoped with all her strength her husband's usual perceptiveness was spot on.
But Gilbert was oblivious to his parent's understanding at the moment. For at the moment he could think of nothing else but his embrace of Anne only a week ago. He knew he had reached a turning point with her. It would be difficult from here on out to keep his feelings in check. He knew that. He thought back to all the times he had tried to be romantic and sentimental with Anne. Her rebuffs were always swift. He knew how to react to that, how to respond to a polite set down or an overt one. It was just the nature of their relationship. For all his heartbreak, he realized he was comfortable their, in the space where he had always felt she meant more to him than he did to her. Even before he proposed, when had hope of her accepting him, he could never stop himself from imagining her with someone else while knowing in his heart that there would never be anyone for him but her. The balance had always been tipped in Anne's favor.
When he realized, as he held Anne, how important he was to her, he tried to make sense of whwat that meant for his hopes. He thought back to his father's words and had to admit their truth. Anne loved him, but how?
Anne had allowed him so much in their rekindled friendship, things that before would have been unheard of. Two years ago had Gilbert tried to embrace Anne the way he had, not only would she have rebuffed, him but he would have been also rewarded with her terrible silence or her frightful censure.
As painful as it was, he had been comfortable with that dynamic. He knew how to operate in it, what he could say, what he could do, and the exact reaction he could expect.
But that was then. Something had most definitely changed. She had allowed him to hug her, hold her hand, and for the first time in their long acquaintance, she had initiated contact with him. Yes, Gilbert had concluded that Anne loved him, but he couldn't bring himself to believe she was in love with him. While it might have been obvious to a passive observer that Anne's feelings tended toward the romantic, it's quite different when you are a man who has heard the woman he loves tell him plainly that she could never love him the way he wanted her to. That's the sort of rejection that sticks in a man's heart. Had Anne said anything else, he could now look back on it with some perspective. But her words had been quite clear. It was hard to let go of them.
It was clear enough that Anne had realized how much he meant to her as a friend when he was sick. He could hardly blame her. With that perspective brought the kind of clarity that life was short and precious. He could understand if Anne regretted losing his friendship. She was trying to make it up to him. Had she not been clear in her apologies? She had never apologized for rejecting him (not that he felt she should), it was clear she wasn't sorry about that. But she was sorry for the things she did that hurt him as her friend.
Gilbert tried somewhat hopelessly to sort out his feelings. It truly escaped his mind that a sure way to know was to just ask her. The thought hadn't yet bubbled to the surface because his mind was protecting his heart.
So when Anne took his arm that afternoon Gilbert sighed heavily, wondering if and when he would ever complete the puzzle.
"Where to today?" Gilbert asked absently as they walked along.
"Marilla asked me to bring her home some flowers for her table. Where do you suggest?"
"Well, there's the stretch along the haunted woods where I bet we can find some Lilies of h the Valley. I don't think there's going to many more blooms this summer for those." Gilbert jumped at the chance to suggest Anne's favorite flowers. She readily agreed and they set off.
Though it was nearing the end of their blooming season, they managed to find enough to fill Anne's small basket. Gilbert watched Anne as she thoughtfully picked flowers as though each one had bloomed solely for her enjoyment. He had a sudden vision of her at Convocation with a bright bouquet in her arms. He couldn't help his next question.
"So, Anne, are lilies of the valley still your favorite flower? It's been so long since we talked about that I have to wonder if you have changed much in two years." Gilbert asked trying to sound nonchalant, but failing rather spectacularly.
Anne looked at him with an arch smile, "Gilbert Blythe, you must be joking! You of all people obviously know that they are of course still my favorite. One can't just change their favorite flower on a whim you know."
"Well, I wasn't sure. I imagine Roy sent you all kinds of flowers that might have caught your attention and altered your thoughts on the matter." Gilbert's tone was playful.
Anne laughed, "Roy did indeed spoil me with many flowers. They were always beautiful. He had a thing for orchids. I like orchids well enough but sometimes they are too much. I used to tell Phil that orchids were only a flower I could visit with.
"Is that what he sent you for Convocation?" Gilbert asked expectantly. He didn't actually know that Roy had sent flowers, but he would have made a sure bet on it.
Anne thought for a moment. Honestly, she could not remember that the flowers Roy sent her were violets. She only remembered that she had given them to Aunt Jamesina and thought no more of them at all. Anne looked rather guilty as she admitted to her poor memory. "I honestly don't remember. I know that sounds terrible but he sent so many flowers it's hard to remember them all. Especially when I compare them to the Lilies you sent me." Anne said with feeling.
Gilbert laughed to cover the lump in his throat. "Well I am glad the lilies are still your favorite." And then he added, "I guess that's why you decided to carry my flowers instead of Roy's."
Anne looked at him with a strange expression of thoughtfulness. She hadn't thought about it at the time but the fact the Gilbert had sent her lilies of the valley never factored into her decision to carry them except for to remind her how well he knew her. With the benefit of hindsight she realized she would have carried his flowers no matter what he had sent.
"Gil," she began softly. "You could have sent me a bouquet of dandelions and I still would have carried them over Roy's." She admitted this with no hesitation, as though it was merely a fact to be stated. Gilbert must have looked shocked at her admission because before he could say anything, she said, "I see that surprises you."
Gilbert's face turned slightly red as he nodded in silent admission to her observation. "Anne, I didn't send the flowers with any expectation you would carry them. I just wanted you to know I was thinking about you. And because I promised you that I would," Gilbert said honestly. But his tone shifted uneasily as he asked, "But since we are on the subject, why did you carry my flowers instead of Roy's?" Gilbert wanted the answer and he didn't. If she carried his only to avoid carrying Roy's he would be devastated. But she immediately put him at ease when she answered, "To be honest I picked up Roy's flowers, but then I saw yours and read your note again. There was a part of me that wanted you to be with me on that day. Your flowers belonged, Roy's didn't. I didn't carry them because they were lilies, I carried them because they were from you."
By now they had stopped gathering flowers and Anne sat down on a large rock on the side of the path. Gilbert sat beside her. He did not know what do say, he was stunned into a happy silence.
Taking his silence as encouragement to continue Anne said, "I suppose I should have known then that things weren't right with Roy. Now I know why I felt bitter about Convocation. The person I wanted to share it with was not there, I only had his flowers to bring me comfort." At that Anne stopped. She felt she had said too much. And she had.
Gilbert was once again caught trying to unpack what Anne had said and analyze what it all meant in a mere moment. He could believe all she said was true, but then he thought about her refusal to dance with him that very same day. It still hurt him and he could but wonder why. If she really meant what she said, why had she refused him?
"Anne, if that's all true, then I have to ask, why did you refuse to dance with me that night?"
It was Anne's turned to be shocked. She looked up at him wide-eyed and slightly panicked, although, she retained a cool demeanor. She couldn't tell him the real reason, but neither could she lie. She had played that moment over in her mind countless time and wished she could go back and undo the hurt she had caused both of them.
"Gil, I told you, my dance card was full." Gilbert didn't believe her now anymore than he had then.
Anne was immediately ashamed of herself. She lied to Gilbert that night and she was lying to him now. And what was worse, she could tell by the pained expression on his face that he didn't believe her. But how could she tell him the real reason without bringing up the one thing she couldn't bear, Christine. If she told him her anger and jealousy at his rumored engagement induced her to refuse him, it would confirm her greatest fear. She was being a coward and she knew it. She had always thought herself rather courageous and was disheartened to learn that a part of her she knew was once again not real.
Gilbert was hurt and disappointed. He thought what they had been building over the last few weeks was above this, that Anne was finally opening up to him. He was wrong and he didn't know what to say. But he wasn't ready to give up. He looked at her, took her hand in his and with his other hand he moved to Anne's chin to force her to look at him.
"Anne, is this really all the reply I am due as one of your closest friends?" He pleaded with her.
Anne could not bear his disappointment or the look of concern in his eyes. She owed him an explanation, especially given what she had revealed about the flowers.
"So I gather from your reaction you don't exactly believe me?" Anne said trying to lighten the mood.
"You're a terrible liar Anne," Gilbert chuckled softly, still holding her hand. "But it's okay if you don't want to tell me, maybe I shouldn't have asked."
Anne held up her hand urging him to stop. "No, Gil. The truth is, I wasn't myself that night.
"You seemed like you were in good spirits. You laughed and danced all night." Gilbert recalled the evening with perfect clarity.
"I did, but I still wasn't myself. I think part of me was beginning to figure out my own mind about Roy. In fact, if I am being honest, when I received your flowers I think that's when my doubt started. When you asked me to dance I had already been upset about, well, something else and I wanted to talk to a friend. I wanted to talk to you, but I couldn't for myriad reasons. I was mad at you all over again for ruining our friendship and in typical Anne Shirley fashion, I acted like a child and refused you."
Gilbert thought on her confession for a moment. He supposed knowing what he did about her that her confession made sense. It hadn't been the first time Anne had snubbed him.
"I guess you can add that to the list of apologies I owe you Gil. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. I wasn't my intention." Anne found that while she spoke she was being honest with him, even though she was leaving off key details. What she confessed was the truth, at least in hindsight.
"Anne, you have to stop apologizing to me. That's not why I wanted to know. I am not trying to punish you for wronging me. I just want to know you better. I don't want anything to come between us again. I don't think I am wrong when I say that our separation was hard on both of us. I couldn't stand it if it happened again. I can't lose you again." Gilbert hadn't meant to say that last part, it slipped out before he could stop himself. In his mind it was almost another declaration and he quickly stood and let go of her hand.
Anne, who took his words quite differently, was disappointed when he let go of her. He was telling her he couldn't risk their friendship. Did that mean he wouldn't risk her friendship for the hope of more?
She stood as well, "We should get these back to Marilla. They'll need some water soon," she said picking up the basket. Anne wanted to put his mind at ease, to do for him what he had always done for her, to prove to him once and for all that she was done hurting him. With all the sincerity in her heart she gently grabbed his arm as she moved to stand face to face with him again, this time willing him to look at her. "Gil, I just want you to know that whatever happens in our lives, between us, wherever we end up, you will never lose me. I don't know how or when you became so important to me, but I could no sooner cut off my right arm than lose you. I promise you I won't make that mistake again."
At her words Gilbert beamed and looked at her in awe. In that moment, it took all of his strength not to lean down and kiss her. He stood like a statue, while her words penetrated his heart. He didn't know if her mistake was letting him walk out of her life as a friend or rejecting his proposal. At that moment he didn't care. If he kissed her now, what would she do? Would she kiss him back? Part of him felt like in that moment she might. He let himself briefly imagine her lips on his and the strength he was relying on was breaking down rapidly. He blinked away his reverie and looked at her beautiful face. They were both lost in the moment. Anne's heart beat wildly and Gilbert's body moved of its own accord closer to her still. All he had to do was lean in. Yes, he wanted to kiss her more than anything, but he knew he couldn't, not yet. Above all things, Gilbert Blythe was a patient man. He had waited this long. Anne's words encouraged him, had given him hope. Instead, he once again took her hand in his and bestowed a lingering kiss on it.
He opened his mouth to instead ask her about her mistake, what it meant. He got only as far as saying her name before a strand of her hair let loose from its restraints and fell gently over her face. It was his undoing as he reached up gently to tuck the wild hair away. He had to kiss her. He couldn't stop himself. Her beauty, her smile, her mind, they all called to him. His hand caressed her cheek and he prepared to claim her lips at last. But it was not to be. Before he could make his dreams a reality, two boys appeared in the distance, whooping and hollering. The moment was broken as Anne turned to see who was causing all the commotion. It was none other than Davy and Milty Boulter running wildly up the lane. Davy saw Anne and ran even faster calling her name. In his hands was a rather large fish, while Milty carried a rod. The excited boys wasted no time in telling Anne and Gilbert the story of how they caught this impressive specimen. The foursome walked back to Green Gables together as Anne tried desperately to calm Davy's excitement.
Gilbert Blythe would have to be patient yet another day. While he cursed the bad timing of the boys, he reminded himself that there was no timeline, no day of reckoning. However long it took to know what he need to know mattered not. It only mattered that however long it took, Anne was there at the end of it all loving him. He had more pieces of the puzzle now. He walked home with the memory of Anne's words and the feeling of her skin on his lips as he wondered what might have been had two excited boys not caught what was argued for years as the largest fish ever claimed from Barry's pond.