Author's Note: This chapter and the next originally had the lyrics to 'Lion' by Hollywood Undead in it, but I edited them out 17 December, 2016. The structure here is a bit less obvious without it, but.. whatever.

Chapter Twelve - Lion (One)

"Lucifer, the King would like to speak to you."

Shit.

The hell did I do this time?

This better not be about that scene Alciel had earlier.
The melodramatic idiot.

I don't understand how he's a higher rank than I am. Must be all that butt-kissing.

I open the ruby-embedded doors, half-expecting a lecture about 'being a disgrace' or 'not helping with responsibilities that aren't even yours'.

If you couldn't tell, I'm the one always getting in trouble around here.
'Because I'm the youngest and the least important to prioritize'.
Yeah, I don't understand it either.

I don't think I can count how many times I've been in this office.
It's kind of like my..
Second home?

Seriously, I've about every crook and cranny memorized.
I didn't do it intentionally, either.
I'm just literally in here all the fucking time.

Satan is the typical 'leader'.
You know, how in the movies the CEO of a company or whatever is power-hungry and has a large, creepy office..
And a dark voice?
And looks hella horrifying?

Yeah. 'Typical'.

"Ah, Lucifer." his voice booms.

"How the fuck did you even know it's me? You've your back facing my direction. Unless you're the freaky mutant the humans think you are?"

He turns to face me, the tension in the room rising about 7630921354%.

"I need to talk to you about something. Something very important."

"If this is about Alciel's meltdown, I'd nothing to do with it."

He raises an eyebrow. "What meltdown?"

"Oh. Um. Nothing. It's nothing. No meltdown. I was just joking with you, haha."

"..."

"So, uh, out with what you wanted to discuss."

"My sex drive has dropped majorly."

"Ohhhh-kay? And? Out of everything you could talk to me about, this is what you choose? Why consult me about this? It isn't my fault we abused our ability to sleep with mortal women. What am I to do about this?"

He narrows his eyes.

Oh.

"Oh hell no. I am not doing that. That shit's disgusting."

"Disgusting? Whose idea was it to invent homosexuality?"

"...Mine."

"Okay. So why are you against your own idea?"

"..Because."

"Because..?"

"Just because."

"You sound like a child, Lucifer."

"Oh, okay. So, you all get upset with me when I act mature, but now that I'm 'acting young like I'm supposed to', it's wrong?"

"Who all tells you to not be mature?"

"I don't know, literally everyone? Do you understand how much it hurts to have everyone look down on you because you're younger than they are? Nobody takes me seriously around here. They think that their superior needs to be someone who knows what they're doing. They all think that because I was the second-to-last created by God and the last to be cast out of Heaven, I'm not educated enough."

"Alright."

"Alright? All you have to say is 'alright'? Are you shitting me right now?"

"No. I'm making a point."

"A point?"

"I ignored what you said. You ignore what they say. Do you think I'd have put you in charge of something important if you weren't good enough for it?"

"Can you tell that to everyone else?"

"No. They know. They are obviously jealous of your skills and are trying to bring down your self-esteem. Now, back onto my predicament..."

"Being a whore isn't a predicament."

"You're just a little ball of sunshine, aren't you?"

"Always."

"Alright then. So that's a yes? Oh, wait. I don't exactly need to ask you for sex. Because I am your leader and you will obey my every command. And this is basically a command."

"Dude. That's rape."

"And whose-"

"Okay, okay, I get it."

"Besides. There isn't any 'legal' or 'illegal' here. You're just scared."

"Me? Scared? You're kidding. What am I to be scared of?"

"Definitely not me."

"Your sarcasm bites."

"Aw, poor little Lucifer can't reach the top shelf. Maybe I should get you a highchair."

"A highchair? Are you seriously that incompetent? Highchairs are for sitting at the dinner table. Mostly found in public eating establishments."

"Whatever. What're you looking for? I guess I'll get it for you."

"A demon? Being nice for once? Woe is me."

Akari rolls his eyes.

"I'm trying to get the salt and vinegar thins, my savior." I bat my lashes.

"You're annoying as hell."

"Thanks. Now get the bag before I skin you alive and play with your organs."

"Hey, Lucifer."

"What?"

"Why've you been eating so much tonight? You can't be both short and chunky. That'll put King Satan to shame."

"Defiance.."

"What? You act like just because you've a high ranking, you're better than everyone else. It'd be improper of me to not pick on you."

"Okay. One, a high ranking wasn't my choice; I could care less what rank I'm in. Two, I do not think I am better than the rest of you. Three, if anything, you guys are the ones who think you're better than me because you are older. And four, what the hell kind of quack do you think I am? You're living in a place built by greed and devastation, so being improper is what you're supposed to fucking do, and if you think that not treating me like shit is improper, then fucking do just that because here, you are supposed to be improper unless the king says otherwise.

"Besides, I don't see why becoming a little obese would put anyone to shame."

"Lucifer, the King would like to see you. Again."

I sigh and follow Nathaniel to Satan's office, as if I needed his guidance.

"What is it now?" I ask, crossing my arms.

"Despair."

"What about him?"

"Not him. There's a lack of trauma in Madrid. You are going to do something about that."

"So I get to tear apart someone's life, then sleep with my boss? Oh goody. I feel like one of those chicks from those movies humans create."

"I don't appreciate your tone."

"You don't appreciate my sarcasm? You? Of all creatures?"

"Lucifer, we can do this the hard way, or the even harder way."

"There's no difference. I'll always obviously be your favourite. After all, I am the one you want to bone."