Chapter 48

In his room facing the bed where he'd dreamed of being with her so often, AJ paused. Once they took this step, there would be no going back for them. Not that finally making love to her would change his feeling for her in any way, unless it just made them deeper, but he knew that after making love to Sarah, he could never go back to thinking of her as someone under his command again. They would be equals the way it should be in good relationships.

Wondering what was going through his mind, that had caused him to stop, Mac said, "AJ, if this isn't what you want, we don't have to…"

Turning to cup her cheek in his hand, he told her, "I want you more than I've ever wanted anything in my life before, Sarah. I just want to be sure this is what you want."

"Do you remember the seal pup on my office wall?" at his nod, she went on, "I bought that the night I started at JAG. He was a reminder that he was the only seal I could have."

"You've loved me that long?" he asked in wonder.

"Yes, when did you know you loved me?"

"It was probably about then that I loved you too, but I didn't admit it to myself 'til the day after I almost kissed you in this room. I knew then I would have to bury how I felt about you so deep that I couldn't even allow myself to think about it."

"You did a great job, I never knew."

"The worst was when you asked me to give you away to Mic. All I could think of when we danced at your engagement party was how I could get out of it."

"If the wedding had happened, would you have done it?"

"Yes, because you had asked me to."

"I felt like you were punishing me when I returned to JAG after Dalton. You kept sending me TDY."

"I had to. All I could think of was that you were back again and maybe just maybe there was a chance for me. I knew that I had to keep you as far away as possible until I could get myself under control again."

"You didn't make it easy for me either…Laura…Sydney…Meredith, and then when you broke it off with her and you were hurting so badly…I wanted to go to you and comfort you, but I knew you wanted her and not me."

"Honestly, it was more my pride that was hurt than my heart and I was ashamed of that."

"What do you mean?"

"I should never have asked her to marry me in the first place when I loved someone else, and then it was almost as if I was taking her for granted, working such long hours and neglecting her."

"That's not so! We were short handed and you couldn't be blamed for her weakness. She told me later that you weren't the first man she'd done that to. AJ, Meredith's betrayal was not your fault."

"All I know is that I will never allow that to happen to us. I'm going to let the SECNAV know I'm retiring in the morning."

"AJ you can't do that! You are the JAG! No one can take your place."

"Yes they can. In fact I expect to see you behind that desk someday. Maybe by then you'll be General Sarah Chegwidden."

"Sarah Chegwidden?"

"I'm sorry darling, I didn't mean to presume. Of course in this day and age, there's no reason you'd have to take my name once we're married…" he would have said more, but her fingers on his lips stopped him.

"Married?" she questioned softly.

Kissing her fingers before removing them, he asked, "You didn't think this would lead to marriage, or is it that you just don't want to marry me?"

"AJ, before tonight, I could never allow myself to dream that you would ever love me, let alone want to marry me! Even though I've had fantasies about it, I never thought they would come true."

"And now?"

"And now I can't think of anything more perfect. I also love the sound of Sarah Chegwidden. So if and when we're ready for marriage I will take your name."

"Well I'm glad that's settled."

"So am I. Maybe we can get back to why we came in here now," she suggested with a teasing grin.

To be continued…..