Chapter Fifteen - Emotions

Is condoning the situation really the route I want to take?
Maybe what I want to do is tell someone, other than the one who already knows about it.. Because he was there.
I'm tempted to go onto one of those 'Internet Confession' websites, but 1. No and 2. How would I even phrase that? I fucked Satan ha ha life is peachy.

It wasn't until minutes to hours of deliberation when I realized: There is no way out of this and there never ever will be.

I feel like I'm trapped in a vortex; a fucking vortex that I couldn't feasibly escape no matter how vehemently I kicked and screamed. And what's worse about this is that it's like quicksand; the more you struggle, the further you go.
I've tried not thinking about it, but that makes it even more terrible, because I'm practically dying to get out of whatever mess I've caught myself in.

It also sucks that I've been feeling this way for about a few thousand years too long.
Craving someone's attention for a long-ass period of time and receiving very little of their 'affection' is complete and utter torture, and let's not forget never escaping that feeling even though they've already wasted some of their time on you.
I guess actually getting what you want makes your desire for it burn even brighter, huh? Your guardian finally bought you the iPhone 5s and then boom- The iPhone 6 comes out and you feel that you'd be nonexistent without it.
Even though you would exist. You just don't realize that because you're caught up in your own little cloud of greed.
And I guess the worst part is, everyone - no matter how kind-hearted - has their own little cloud of greed.
And it's fucking hard as shit to get rid of.

"You really need to get out more, Luci." Emi says, patting my head.

I look up at her, an eyebrow raised. "Okay, one, don't call me that. Two, why are you touching me? Three, no. I hate the outdoors more than... everything."

"I don't need to take orders from you," she says, crossing her arms. "But I'm sorry for touching you, I guess. All I'm saying, though, is that I think you should make friends who aren't people on the other side of a computer screen."

I roll my eyes. "Whatever."

I took Emi's advice, which is literally the only reason I'm walking the streets at one in the morning. I have no idea where I am; looks like some secluded area where nobody ever shows up to because there are bugs and drug-dealers. I'm.. not sure if there are actually drug-dealers around this area... but..
Anyway.
There are police - or maybe ambulance - sirens in the distance. Its rhythm is soothing yet aggravating my mind.
Except for dangerously-dim streetlamps, the allies are filled with darkness, which makes them even more tempting to go down. So I do, because curiosity always kills the goddamned cat.

Garbage and dust, basically. It's full of broken glass, empty fast food containers, and dust and dirt. If I wasn't positive this place was abandoned before, this alley takes the cake.

I shuffle some of the stuff around with my feet, making a clearing to where I can sit down without a fragment of a beer bottle poking me in the ass. When I finish doing that, I cautiously sit in the tiny space I prepared for myself, instantly regretting it. The brick of the building is chipped and I swear I think I feel mold. ... Ew.
Pushing myself slightly away from the wall, I decide to stretch my wings (since I don't need magic to do so). The scragginess of the brick brings a bit of pain to the delicate feathers, but it's hell of a lot better than having them crammed under a t-shirt for an insanely long period of time.

No idea why (like seriously, not any trace of a clue why), but I start humming; what? Not sure. Just some random tune that I don't think I've ever heard before, since the last time I listened to music was... ... Okay then; I don't remember the last time I listened to music.

Moving on.
I've such an urge to fly right now, but I can't, because there is a depressing lack of power. Why fear is what gives us strength I don't understand; Angels didn't use happiness as strength, so why would demons use fear as theirs? Okay, I guess the better question to ask is why are you questioning your 'crush''s logic?

I sigh, lowering my head. Do people normally use the time around one to two A.M to think over every situation that has occurred in their lifetime? Or is that just me?
It can't just be me. There are people with much worse problems (due to my handiwork; I curse myself for this) than what I'm dealing with, so really I don't understand why the hell I'm complaining. I guess this situation is something everyone goes through at least once, and even though I'm not really supposed to care about anything but myself, I hope most everyone has gotten out of this situation alive.

It's funny, isn't it? How similar human emotions are to dams; You can hold in something for so long until it finally breaks.
And I guess the heart works like glass; It's durable, but it cracks with too much pressure.

I blame myself for all this. Not just the fact that despair itself exists, but because I'm letting my sappy emotions take the best of me. I've never been like this before, ever. Even when he'd forced me to be around him for about a hundred years, I didn't think much about how I love the damn man.

Love..
Hah.
Never thought I'd ever say that word without a disgusted tone of voice.

Continuing my earlier statement, it's true I'd always been 'head over heels' for him, but did he drown my thoughts twenty four seven? No. He didn't. And I'm fucking glad he didn't, but I'd be even more joyful if he never had.
It's hard falling for someone you haven't any chance with. Like, yeah, maybe they'll catch you, but they'll just throw you back into the ocean as soon as possible because rather than the trout they were looking for, you're a goldfish. A goddamn goldfish. And who the fuck likes goldfish? Yes, they're cute and all, but they aren't prize-worthy, something you want to be seen with. They die within a short amount of time, so what's the point of even having one in the first place?

I'm assuming this is what it feels like to be in deep poverty; sitting alone in an alley, getting attacked by tiny rain droplets, freezing cold because you haven't much to cover up with. All I'm missing is a tin can, stubble, and a bottle of booze (and shit could I use one of those right now).
I could never actually be homeless, though. That's way too unsanitary for me. Besides, being homeless equals no internet, which equals no life basically.

I'm getting off topic.
Heh heh.
What topic?
I've been out here for an hour and I haven't done anything but mentally complain about the conditions out here and process whatever the hell I felt like processing, which was basically just why I'm feeling the way I feel.
I mean, Maou isn't anything to obsess over. Yeah, he's kind and handsome and self-confident and optimistic and- Okay never mind that. He isn't worth my time and that is that.

Here, you know what, let's just pretend I haven't spent two hours mentally yelling at myself for having emotions. Let's forget that I ever even cared about anything. We can finally move on and I can continue my life of being an internet hobo.

So basically I just sit by the wall for another half hour, my wings outstretched and my mind clearing up from its chain of foggy days.
I stared at the wall, daydreaming, until a voice ringing through the streets snaps me back into reality.

(A/N): FEAR NOT! I HAVE RETURNED!
Not for long though.
Some of my schedule has finally cleared up, but it gets busy again after Spring Break.
So I'm going to try and update at least once again before the break is over.
And then I'll be busy again until exams are over..
I'm sorry I can't update as much anymore.
But hey, more time to write the story let's me make it better quality, and that's good, right?
Anyways, please give me your thoughts on this chapter (or even about puppis, I don't really care, just let me know you exist).
I love you all so much, I can't even put it into words. ^-^

Until next time~