a chaotic heart
Chapter 15

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Claire is not pleased that Snow's seen it fit to tell the whole story – or as much as he's grasped, which is almost as much as her – to his wife. And she's also not pleased to find out that Serah's pulled out her emergency leave, packed a few things, and met them at the Estheims. They don't mind. Of course they don't: she's Miss Farron's little sister and Snow Villier's wife and one of the people responsible in saving his life when the paradoxes and Caius were determined to take him out. But even if Serah had none of that backing her, Claire doubts the Estheims would have minded too much anyway. Anything that can help their son is a blessing to them. But Claire doubts Serah can help. Hope's shown no hint that he recalls his adult years at all and worse are his reactions to Snow. And Serah is far smaller and frailer than Snow.

But she comes anyway. And she's displeased to have been kept out of the loop for so long so Claire has to sigh and tell her the rest of it, the things Snow's forgotten, or glossed over. Especially the restraining thing because Snow restrained him without too much trouble (minus the kick that had him limping for a bit afterwards and that was too well thought out to be frantic). And, by chance, she's the only one in the room when Hope's awake and they have some smattering of a conversation before she moves on instinct and hugs him like hugs can take all the problems of the world away (and she only wishes they could). But they can't, and he jerks and screams and seizes and a nurse comes with a sedative and Serah cries an apology before she's dragged away.

She spends the next couple of days trying to recreate Mog as a plushie doll, and Claire wonders where his soul has gotten to. And the Eiodolins. She's seen Odin reincarnated once already as the Angel of Valhalla and yet she's never thought of their place in this world. Other things she's turned her back on without realising it.

Serah's finished with her doll when they drop in after a nurse and find Hope awake again. Hope doesn't seem to see her or Snow at first, just Serah. And takes the doll well, to their surprise. Though there's no flash of familiarity at the mention of Mog. A hint of question instead, perhaps.

It begs for confirmation. 'You don't remember?'

His eyes snap to her and, just like that, the fragile peace is shattered. He's realised they're there – she and Snow – and realised something about Serah too, because there's no gentle lull to their next meeting, just the shrieks that escalate and chase them out.

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He keeps trying to push them away. Her, Snow…and now Serah too. He's pushed away his friends – or they're a bunch of weak souls that don't deserve him. She can't tell if he's pushing at his parents or they've been spared. It's something about the unconditional love a parent gives their child and the way he can leave his house and then, of his own free will, return…because she's sure it doesn't suit Bhunivelze's designs, whatever they are, to have Hope surrounded by anyone and yet his parents have stayed. Is it the strength of a parent's bond with their child, she wonders, or is it a special part of the Estheim family? And Sazh – Sazh is the same, with Dajh, sacrificing everything… But not all parents are like that and she's seen the other kind as well.

In any case, she's happy when, in a couple of weeks, she receives a call from Nora saying they've brought Hope safely back home. They've long since returned to their homes, not frightened away per say but not wanting to push as well. Someone has to push, at some point, she thinks. But not yet. Not now.

Hope remembers his time as a l'Cie, or parts of it at least, and as Bhunivelze's puppet but not the intervening time. The lack of memory of Mog, the indifference to Serah at first…they're both proof of that. And his memories of her… still, not once, as he called her Light and it makes her want to scream inside because it just makes her more and more sure that Bhunivelze's got more strings than Hope does and that makes it all the more hopeless.

And how to fight him is another matter. It's easy to fight a God that has a body separate to his human host but now? It's a mental battle all the way and how are they supposed to do that? And who? Not them if he can't even stand being near them – but I didn't stay for very long, did I?

Maybe in a few days, she can try again.

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She puts it off. She knows she's putting it off. Serah and Snow go to see him and get a few morsels to pass along to her, and she accepts them. Though they only confirm what she's guessed – but that's not true at all, is it? She feels a spark of hope at their words. That he's afraid they'll get hurt again. Dust in the palm of a God and especially Serah who's the carrot he'd dangled in her face…

The memory should anger her, but it's drowned out by something else because that's such a Hope thing to think and say and do that she just laughs in relief. 'Kid would do something like that.'

Serah is silent a moment on the other end. 'Claire?' she asks, finally. 'How do we fight Bhunivelze without hurting Hope?'

'Words,' she replies. 'I honestly can't think of anything else.'

But how do you fight with words when the person who needs to listen to them just runs away?

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She's surprised to find Noel at her house one day. Even more surprised when he punches her. Not so surprised when she punches him back, and they wind up in a brawl in the one room apartment she's about to be kicked out of because she hasn't coughed up this month's rent.

'It's not like you to sit around doing nothing,' Noel coughs, when they're on their backs and panting.

She can see how he almost beat her last time. And why she'd trusted him with Serah.

But she can see a resemblance to Snow as well. The old Snow, that is. The one that keeps on getting under her skin.

'I'm not running away,' she hisses.

'Are you sure?' Noel asks back. 'Because seems to me you haven't visited the kid in two months, haven't gotten yourself another job – ' Now how does he know that? 'You're better than this, Lightning.'

'Claire,' she corrects.

'Whatever.' He shrugs. 'A name is just a name. Point is, you're better than this.'

'Yeah, right.' She closes her eyes. Noel's right here, and there is something… 'Does Yuel know?'

'If Bhunivelze's still in the Unseen Realm, you mean? No, she doesn't.'

Damn. They were still fighting blind.

'Not that it really matters.' Noel sits up. 'What are you going to do? Chop poor Hope's head off?'

She jerks up. 'Of course not!' she cries. 'I won't hurt Hope.'

'And words can't hurt?' He stares at her, blue eyes to blue. 'Or is it because you just don't know what words to say?'

'I don't know,' she admits, staring at her lap. Look at me, and how far I've fallen.

'How the mighty fall,' says Noel, thinking the same thing. 'Hope's not the only one who needs help. We've all got demons from the past.'

Claire closes her eyes. 'Why are you here, Noel?'

'To knock some sense into you,' is the immediate reply, before he coughs and corrects himself. 'I mean, the plan wasn't originally to –'

'Physically knock sense into me?' she asks dryly. 'That sounds like a me thing to do, you know.'

'…no,' he admits, after a pause. 'Not the you I know, anyway. Not that I know very much of you.'

'I suppose not.' Their meetings have been fleeting at best. Valhalla, before she tossed him into the gate. Then that little meeting pre-final battle with Caius and he was essentially the third wheel. Then there were the few times at Saviour and Shadow Hunter respectively. And now. 'I also can't imagine you barging into my house uninvited, and yet here you are.'

'Blame Serah,' is his response. 'She's worried.'

It's never occurred to her that Serah's kept in contact with anyone from the old world…aside from Snow.

'Sorry,' Claire says again. 'My cozy little life has stumbled a little bit.'

He snorts. 'Cozy? You call being a waitress in a bar and getting fined at least once a month cozy?'

She glares at him. 'I like the bar.'

'But not being a waitress.'

It's a good tactic, she grudgedly admits. Get her tired physically so she can't get up and leave the conversation. 'Not particularly,' she admits, 'but it's better than being a bouncer.'

'Because you feel like you couldn't save everyone – or Hope in particular, guess it doesn't matter which – so you feel like you don't deserve a job with that kind of responsibility?'

She's surprised. He's gotten it in a nutshell, pretty much.

'I'm sorry I punched you.'

'What?'

She can see his self-decrepitating smile from the angle she's lying at. 'I'm not exactly better, myself. Never was.'

She can't see the rest of his expression, but she can imagine it.

'Couldn't protect Yuel. Couldn't protect Serah. Screw everything up by killing Caius.'

'Never mind that he ran himself through on your blade without your input,' she sighs, but she can see where this is going now. 'But you're still with Yuel, aren't you?'

'We live together, yes.' His lips twist. 'We've had more than the fair share of disagreements. She's taking this opportunity to live like she's never been able to, and, well –'

'I worked in a bar,' she snorts. 'I get what you mean.'

'Still think Caius is going to kill me when I die.'

She snorts again. 'Sounds like something he would do.'

He cracks a smile. 'It does, doesn't it? But if Yuel finds her happiness by tasting everything.' He closes his eyes. 'I expected you to be smothering Serah.'

'I figured she and Snow deserved their space.' It hadn't worked out quite the way she planned, though.

'I figured there'd be a bunch of mini-Snows running around by now,' he agrees. 'But somehow, I don't think Serah would forget to mention that.'

'No,' she agrees. 'She wouldn't.'

They're silent again. Her front door creaks and she realises neither of them has bothered to close it, but she doesn't care. Worse things than a brawl in the entrance have happened.