a chaotic heart
Chapter 16

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She's not sure if she and Noel accomplish anything, in the end. He winds up staying for a measly dinner and then showing himself out, and she plops on the bed and stares at the ceiling and misses the fact that she's not going out to work tonight.

A fleeting part of her wonders if she shouldn't hit the streets anyway, but she discards the idea. She's not that driven. Or desperate.

So she thinks instead. What sort of job she can get – and she has to hurry up before she winds up a permanent border in her sister's home. And her friends from the old world, that have scattered so far and yet so near now. And Caius, and Bhunivelze, and Hope…

Hope again. That kid really knows how to stay in her mind.

She remembers Noel's words. Is it because she just doesn't know what to say or is she afraid to try and save him after failing so many times? It's Serah and Noel who've saved him in the past: Augusta Tower, the assassination attempt in Academia, all the paradoxes caused by Alyssa just trying to survive… It was a shock to realise she's alive in this world, and that she remembers the paradoxes as well but she can't undo what she's done, not in her mind, and it seems, to the Estheims, she's been only a very small help.

And new faces, or other fleeting old ones, have been no help at all by the sounds of things. Worse than no help at all.

This was supposed to be a new chance, for all of us…

Yuel seems to be taking advantage of it. A little over the top, from Noel's concerns. But she is. And Serah and Snow – they're trying. Not every avenue because they don't want to admit defeat right now, but they're trying. But she's still drifting and Noel's stuck in the same role again, watching Yuel slip out through his fingers like honey…

Am I doing the same with Hope?

Worse, she can't decide whether she should just leave things be or follow up on it.

Hope didn't abandon me.
Hope also became God's puppet.
And rescued me from the chaos after I saved him, turning his back on his family as he did it.
…but did I really save him?

And there's the crux of the matter. Always that. She'd gotten no eradia from Hope. Didn't need any eradia from Hope but she also hadn't needed Vanille's and Fang's and yet she'd gotten them anyway. But not from Hope. And yet Hope is here, in this new world. Not left behind when the old world finally drowned under chaos of Bhunivelze's light. It's an equation whose solution she thinks she has but can't prove, and her solution is twofold.

Saving the souls didn't mean they'd live happily ever after. A person who died without regrets could live a second longer and have some and that had happened to all of them. And then there was Hope, a special case. Saddled with Bhunivelze because she hadn't managed to carve him out and drop the entirety of him into the chaos.

The first can't be helped. Or it can, but with the people of the present and not the past. But the second… It's my fault. She knows it. Just like with Serah in the old world. My fault.

His neck is tugged back and snaps. She winces at the sound. Bile claws its way up her throat. She shakes her head to get rid of it, and the nausea stabs at her throat. I'm not even asleep, for fuck's sake. But it doesn't seem to matter. She's suddenly swept up in a waking nightmare and she can't get out of it.

Not until there's a puddle of vomit on the floor and a broken picture frame where she's clawed it off the table. And a few droplets of blood on her palm where she's crushed the glass.

It's still a while before she gets up to clean it all, and it won't matter if she never does clean it. It will affect no-one but her.

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Noel's left a few bruises on her body and, the next morning, they all scream at her. Call her a coward. Weak. Never mind that Noel didn't say those words. But it doesn't matter because she still hasn't done anything about…anything. Still no job. Still hasn't talked to Hope. Or to her sister and brother in law for that matter, knowing they've got their own troubles and she's just thrown extra ones at them.

But her failures have gotten worse and worse. Her second last one brought about the end of the world. This last one has the potential to undo the victory they thought they'd snatched from the jaws of a death and chaos – but if Bhunivelze has access to this world as well, they've gained nothing. Defeated nothing.

And now…it's nearly impossible to defeat him, wrapped up in Hope as he is. Hope… Can't I help you? But Hope had screamed at them. Chased them out. And before… Hope ran away from her. Twice. Or was it three or four? Kicked Snow enough to make him hurt in an effort to get away from them. Stupid kid, trying to protect us. It left no room at all for them.

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She only moves because it's the last night. The landlady will be there next morning to demand her overdue payment and it's to Serah's couch if she can't cough it up.

I didn't have to do this. And she knows it, but she's let it come to this anyway. How the mighty have fallen, she repeats with some amusement. The old her had considered this and gone and joined the army instead. It's no longer a possibility for her. No longer an issue, either, because there's a vast difference between the virginity of a fifteen year old, and a woman that's lived over a thousand years in forced chastity. Because she hadn't had the time, at first: busy looking after Serah, being a l'Cie, fighting Caius, being the Saviour – and when she thought she'd saved every soul she could (except Hope, because she'd forgotten that voice in her ear needed saving too), well…there were other thing on her mind. Mostly Serah.

And now it's money. Tonight, at least, she's going to have to be selfish and forget once again about Hope. But isn't that all I've done?

She laughs aloud. She's still laughing as she finds the gaggle of women she's searching out, and slips into their ranks like she's always been there.

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She lies to Serah. Says she's found another waitress job when that's not it. Not at all. Another thing she's hiding. Serah doesn't question it that day, but Claire knows she can't hide it forever. She still looks for a proper job. Nothing stands out.

Then Serah asks if she's talked to the Estheims recently and she hasn't.

'Why not?' Serah asks. 'I know Hope doesn't want to see us, but have you tried talking on the phone to him?'

She blinks. 'You've talked to him…on the phone?'

'Yup.' And Serah sounds pretty happy with herself too. 'I've been telling him all about the fantasy novels I make my children read.' Trash, in Claire's opinion, but Serah's always had a perchance for them. The whole point is they're impossible. And in this world, magic is thrown in with all of that. 'It's strange hearing his voice change like it does, but –'

Her breath catches. 'Don't – ' Don't what? There's no harm in talking over the phone, is there? But isn't that what she said? That the words were the only weapon they have against the God in this world. If it's our weapon, then it's Bhunivelze's weapon too.

Serah is silent for a moment. 'Are you afraid, Claire?' she asks finally.

Maybe she is, a little bit.

'Afraid of Bhunivelze…or of Hope?'

'How can I be afraid of Hope?' she asks tiredly, but the answer is obvious and twofold.

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She picks up the phone, then hangs it up again. Serah has given her the perfect solution and yet she still can't manage it.

Is it because it's perfect for Serah and she's not Serah? Or is she really afraid?

She doesn't want to keep on thinking about it. She does. But she doesn't get past this point until something cracks somewhere else.