Chapter Seventy-eight

Transmission Impossible

"I'm going to kill them," Tommy said for the sixteenth time as he and Kimberly finally exited through the door to the service hall, dragging two garbage bags full of Spencer's merchandise each.

"I'm going to get there first," Kimberly insisted.

"Are not."

"Am too."

"Are not."

They'd had this same argument over and over ever since Ian had started ringing up their unintentional purchases. Eight hundred and seventy-six dollars and forty-three cents later, the amusement was starting to seep into their tones just like the plaster dust had seeped into their hair and clothing.

"Look on the bright side, Tommy," Kimberly said. "We'll never have to buy fuzzy handcuffs again."

"Yes, because I've had to buy a new pair every week," Tommy joked dryly.

"In that case, you've got almost a year's worth. Hey, can I have the leopard-print ones, too?"

"I'm already giving you the pink ones. How many people are you planning to handcuff?" Tommy demanded.

"Wouldn't you like to know," she teased, hefting her trash bags over her shoulder like Santa Claus with his sack.

They exited out into the mall, where George the EB employee was removing what looked like a wire coat hanger from the gate. They passed him without comment.

"So where to now?" Kimberly asked.

"Food court. I could go for a slice of pizza."

"Shouldn't we go put this stuff in the car?"

"Nah. I kind of want to hit Trini upside the head with a pole-dancing kit."

"That's not fair. They were all in on it."

"Yeah, but I'm figuring Zack should get hit with a Sharpie Girl book, and Jason should get hit with a newlywed board game, and Billy gets a pair of handcuffs, and the Dino Rangers get a nice, long lecture. Maybe even a rant."

Kimberly laughed. "All right, then. Lead on."

They headed for the nearest escalator, which happened to be in full view of the still-flooding fountain; Tommy and Kimberly looked pointedly away as they rode up to the second floor, dived out of the way of a maintenance worker with a net and a few gerbil claw marks on his face, and headed towards the food court. They were nearly there when they spotted Trini, who was coming out of an art store with Trent. Tommy hastily dropped one of his bags, pulled it open, dug out a pole-dancing kit, and snuck up behind her, Kimberly following with the bags.

"I'm more into painting than sketching," Trini was saying to Trent as they walked.

"Painting's all right, but something about drawing… pencil lead all over your hand…"

"I feel the same way about keyboards, which I guess explains why I'm not into drawing with pencils and—"

WHAP!

"OW! What the—?"

"That," Tommy proclaimed, raising the box threateningly, "is what you get for locking me in a Spencer's."

"You can't prove a thing," Trini said loftily, rubbing the back of her head. She frowned at the box. "Tell me you bought a pole-dancing kit just to hit me with, because if you're starting to seriously consider becoming a full-time stripper—"

"Ha, ha," Tommy interrupted. He narrowed his eyes at Trent. "Now. I want an honest answer, Trent—"

"Kira and I didn't do a thing," Trent said hastily. "Conner and Ethan just provided a distraction and blocked the back exit. Trini and Billy jammed the gate. Jason and Zack helped with the distraction."

"Thank you," Tommy said.

"You spineless little traitor!" Trini exclaimed in mock-indignation.

"Have a pair of handcuffs," Kimberly said cheerfully, extending a pair to Trent.

Trent looked down at them, then back up at Kimberly, then over at his science teacher. He made no move to take the box from her. "Um, no offense, but I have this… thing… about accepting handcuffs from people…"

"Suit yourself. Trini, you want a pair?"

"Ooh," Trini said, taking the box from her. "Ugh, blue. Got any yellow ones?"

"No, but I think we've got red…"

"Hey! No, no, no," Tommy said, shooing Trini away with the pole-dancing kit. "Trini doesn't get to benefit from her crimes."

"Whatever. Hey, if you're all done bashing Trini, could you take a couple of these bags back?"

Tommy nodded, then frowned and raised the box again.

"OW! Tommy!"

"Sorry, but it's very satisfying," Tommy told her apologetically. He raised the box again, but before it could collide with Trini's head, Jason's hand came out of nowhere and closed over the box.

"Hey, what have I told you about hitting on my wife?" Jason joked, wresting the box from his grasp. He stared at it, then hastily handed it back. "I don't even want to know."

"Hi, Dr. O," Conner said meekly, taking care to stand on the other side of Jason from Tommy.

"Soon as I get a moment to think up something good, you're in for a hell of a stern talking-to," Tommy told him darkly.

Conner sighed. "Well, better than getting hit with a box."

"I haven't ruled that out, either. Where are the others?"

"Billy and Ethan are off somewhere being Blue," Jason said with a shrug, "and Zack and Kira went to check out that guitar shop downstairs. We were on our way to meet them for some grub when I saw you accosting Trini."

"Ah. Oh, Jase, by the way—" Tommy fished about in one of the bags Kimberly was holding, extricated a board game, and made to hit him with it. Jason held still good-naturedly, then snatched it out of his hands once Tommy had smacked him with it.

"Hmm," he said, flipping it over to read the back before stuffing it into one of his shopping bags from Footlocker. "Thanks, man."
"What all did you buy?" Trini asked, eyeing the bags with interest.

"And why do you guys look like you took a nosedive into a bag of flour?" Trent asked.

Tommy sighed. "Let's wait until we meet up with the others; I don't want to tell the story twice."

They found Zack, Kira, Billy and Ethan already sitting in the food court. After they'd all acquired food, Tommy and Kimberly began to tell the story of their daring almost-escape from Spencer's.

"So they made us buy all the stuff we landed on," Tommy finished. "Almost nine hundred dollars worth of this crap."

"Where'd you get nine hundred dollars?" Trent asked suspiciously.

"Your father. Where else?" Tommy replied. "I'm a freaking teacher, Trent."

"You know, normal people would have waited for help to come," Ethan said idly. Tommy and Kimberly glared at him. "What? I'm just saying…"

"Normal people don't have friends who jam both of the doors," Tommy growled.

Ethan was about to reply when Conner, who was rummaging through the bags, sat up and exclaimed, "Check it out!" He was waving a ski mask very similar to the one he'd been wearing yesterday. "Zack, Dr. O's got a box of Sharpie Graffiti Girls stuff."

"No kidding," Zack said, and he and Conner set about digging through the box. Tommy rolled his eyes as Conner pulled an orange T-shirt with their logo over his brand-new, long-sleeved white shirt.

"We should save some of this stuff for Rocky," Conner said.

"Yeah. You don't mind, do you Tommy?" Zack asked.

"That you're taking the merchandise I had to buy because you locked me in a Spencer's and I ended up crushing a ton of boxes while trying to escape through the ceiling?"

"…Is that a yes, or a no?" Zack asked uncertainly.

Tommy rolled his eyes. "Take your pick. It's eight hundred seventy-six dollars and forty-three cents worth of fuzzy handcuffs; what am I going to do with all this crap?"

"I wonder," Jason muttered under his breath. Zack snickered.

"I don't even wanna know," Kira grumbled.

Despite Tommy's exasperation, the mood at the table remained light. Somehow it was hard to stay angry with them. After all, the ordeal had been a step in the right direction as far as Kimberly was concerned, and even Tommy had to (grudgingly) admit it was funny. Just the look on the faces of the couple in the storeroom when Tommy and Kimberly had landed was worth it, never mind poor Ethan, the stranded punk kids…

Tommy took another bite of pizza, watching Conner hold Ms. Syrian Hamster and Mr. Mongolian Gerbil over a glass of water and urge them to drink. All in all, the day hadn't really been that bad…

And then his phone rang.

Please don't be chaos, please don't be chaos… Tommy prayed, but his spirits sank at the sight of the caller ID: Dr. Anton Mercer.

"Quiet!" Tommy yelped. "It's Trent's dad!" Silence fell over the table as Tommy answered the phone. "Hello?"

"Tommy! How's it going?"

There was something in Anton's tone that made Tommy automatically say, "You've reached the voicemail of Dr. Tommy Oliver. I'm not able to answer your call right now, but if you leave a message I'll call you back. Honest."

"Nice try," Anton said dryly. "So, here I am, making sure Hayley has capable employees while she's away, when my phone rings. Can you guess who it was?"

"Telemarketer?" Tommy asked hopefully.

"Not quite. It was my credit card company. Now, Tommy, I completely understand that you can't watch my son every minute, and that sometimes he gets up to things he shouldn't be. Boys will be boys. However, I have to draw the line somewhere. Ms. Andrews?"

"Who?" Tommy said blankly.

"Yes?" said a feminine voice.

"Please read that list again," Anton said pleasantly.

"Forty-nine pairs of handcuffs, ten pole-dancing kits, seven board games, six candleholders, four T-shirts—"

"I was there," Tommy interrupted, letting his head thump onto the tabletop. "I don't need a list, Anton."

"I see. So you did buy these things? The card wasn't stolen?"

"Nope."

"And it wasn't Trent?"

"No. It was me."

"I see. Thank you, Ms. Andrews." There was a click as the woman hung up, turning the three-way call into two. The strong desire to laugh was clearly evident in Anton's tone; Tommy also thought he could hear muffled giggles in the background. "Now, Tommy, your private life is your business, but when you're buying pole-dancing kits while my son is in your care—"

"Anton, how much longer are you planning on heckling me? Ballpark figure?"

"I don't know. You have to admit, you're giving me some great material."

"Anton…"

"Come on, it's not every day my former protégé and arch nemesis decides to take my son on vacation and buy him some pole-dancing kits and handcuffs."

"Anton," Tommy said wretchedly, "all I wanted to do was go to the mall. Now the first floor's covered in water, the second floor's covered in gerbils, and I'm covered in plaster dust."

"Only you, Tommy," came the voice of Elsa, much to Tommy's horror.

"Not only me. There are nine other people here," Tommy retorted.

"Only them," agreed Hayley.

Tommy sighed. "How many people are you with, Anton?"

"Just Elsa and Hayley. We were trying to have a nice, normal day, training up the temps from my cafeteria, learning the inner workings of Hayley's café, and naturally that all went out the window once we got the Tommy News Update. By the way, Hayley was wondering how to reset the booby trap with the net; she's not sure if you still want it to function the same way."

Tommy pinched the bridge of his nose. "This isn't my life. It just isn't. This is all a horrible nightmare. I'm really a nice, normal guy who ate too much seafood before bed."

That statement was met—naturally—with cackling, not only from Anton, Elsa and Hayley but Jason, Trini, Zack, Kimberly and even Billy. Even the Dino Rangers were snickering.

"Look, Anton, I'll pay you back for the Spencer's merchandise, I swear—"

"You'll do nothing of the sort," Anton interrupted sternly. "I gave you that card to take care of your expenses. Granted, I'm not sure how handcuffs became part of your expenses, but—"

"CONNER! Get your gerbil out of my pizza!"

Tommy jumped. "Was that Kira?" Anton asked hesitantly.

"Sorry! And by the way, that is Ms. Syrian Hamster."

"Yeah," Tommy said with a sigh. "Conner somehow got a gerbil and a hamster during the incident at the pet store."

"You let Conner loose in a pet store?" Hayley demanded in shock. "Are you insane?"

"I was busy," Tommy said defensively. "Hey, you've dealt with one of me. Try dealing with ten."

There was a long pause, then a chorus of disgusted, mortified noises from Anton, Elsa and Hayley. "Maybe we should stay here after all," Elsa said. Tommy could practically hear the three of them shuddering.

"I'm not missing Power Rangers Day," Anton said firmly. "I can't wait to meet some of the other Rangers—imagine the technological secrets—"

"You're coming, too?" Tommy asked.

"Of course. I've reserved the presidential suite at the Ritz-Carlton for Friday and Saturday evening. Didn't I mention that?"

Tommy frowned thoughtfully. "Um…"

"That's a 'probably,'" Hayley said in a tone of affectionate exasperation. "So, I guess there's only one question left, Tommy."

"What's that?" he asked suspiciously.

"What on earth are you going to do with ten pole-dancing kits and forty-nine pairs of handcuffs?"

"Goodbye, Hayley."

Anton, Elsa and Hayley said a round of amused goodbyes as Tommy flipped his phone closed. "Well," Tommy said, "that was a total nightmare."

"Was he mad?" Trent asked.

"No, just wondering why I wanted took his son out to buy pole-dancing kits and handcuffs. Oh, and he said he's coming in for Power Rangers Day, too."

"I know," Trent said, frowning. "He told me that before I left. Didn't he tell you?"

"Possibly," Tommy replied, a little defensively. "Anyway, I guess we'll see him at the ceremony."

"Remind me to call Andros and let him know," Jason said. "Karone's been looking forward to meeting them."

"Do we know who all's coming on Saturday?" Ethan asked. "Past Ranger teams, I mean?"

"The Aquitian Rangers probably won't make it," Billy said.

"Problems with the teleportation system?" Trini asked.

"No, problems with some upstart named Gruumm who's been trying to invade Aquitar."

"Is it serious?" Jason asked.

"No—we sent him running. Unfortunately, we didn't destroy him, and when I contacted Aquitar on Tuesday night to say that I was extending my vacation, Cestria told me that he managed to spring a few highly dangerous criminals out of a prison on Xybria. Unfortunately, Xybria and Inquiris had just signed a peace treaty, but one of the criminals—a woman named Morgana—was on Inquiris's most wanted list, so Inquiris is very disgruntled and blaming Xybria, who's blaming Aquitar, but they can't be openly hostile towards Aquitar—because Aquitar is one of the few planets currently friendly to them and it's not extremely intelligent to be hostile towards a planet with its own Power Rangers—so Xybria is taking it out on Inquiris, claiming that Gruumm's top priority is Morgana and Inquiris allowed Morgana to escape the authorities on Inquiris, making it Inquiris's fault she was on Xybria in the first place. Cestria's spending most of her time trying to mediate between the two planets and we've had to double the amount of troops we sent to both planets as per the agreement in the treaty. Not to mention the teleportation problems."

Jason frowned. "I thought the teleportation thing was working fine."

"Well, sort of. It's designed for Aquitian DNA, not human. Transporting me takes a lot more energy. Not to mention the fact that it's interplanetary travel, and without the Command Center there's no grid on Earth for them to connect to so they have to power the teleportation entirely on their own. By eliminating all recreational teleportation on Aquitar the kathos—transportation department—was able to find enough energy to send me to Earth and back and allow the Aquitian Rangers and Cestria to come in for a short while on Saturday, the same as we did for Jason and Trini's wedding. If I extend my vacation long enough, there may still be enough energy to do so, but if the Rangers are forced to engage the teleportation device repeatedly to handle conflict in the Aquitian solar system, there's a chance that they'll exhaust the reserves necessary for my return and I'll be forced to remain on Earth until the components are strengthened. Given the numerous and complicated duties I perform for the Aquitian government, we're mildly concerned that I won't be able to employ near-instant travel to return in an emergency. Ordinarily, the Aquitians utilize spacecraft to travel between worlds, but most ships have to be held in reserve given the dangerous nature of the individuals who escaped and joined Gruumm, and the security status has been upgraded so that every Aquitian has access to the teleportation system in case of emergency. A lot of Aquitians are abusing it, which is very problematic given all the interplanetary travel the Rangers have to do without available ships. However, Cestria did say that the Lost Galaxy Rangers plan to come; apparently they contacted Aquitar to ask if the Aquitians were coming."

"Shouldn't they be helping the Aquitians?" Trini asked.

"Well, Mirinoi and Aquitar aren't very close, and the Lost Galaxy Rangers are already en route to Earth. Besides, the Aquitians do have the situation under control at the moment. It's only the matter of my return trip that's troubling."

"So… let me get this straight," Ethan said slowly. "There's a chance you're going to be stranded on Earth because some guy's starting an interplanetary war in your other galaxy?"

"Oh, I won't be stranded. I'll hitch a ride with the Lost Galaxy Rangers, or I'll ask Andros for a lift. It'll take a much longer time to get me to Aquitar without teleporting, but I'll still get there."

"Knowing Billy, he could make the RADBUG space-worthy in a month," Jason remarked. Trini and Billy's heads whipped around to look at each other with identical feverish gleams in their eyes.

"Look what you did," Zack joked.

"It's too impractical," Billy said reluctantly. "I'd have to make it completely airtight, and it is an extremely old car… I would have to replace half of its parts with homemade inventions…"

"Still, it's something to think about," Trini said. "A project for a rainy day."

"Can I help?" Ethan asked eagerly.

"If we go forward, I'd value your input greatly," Billy told him. Ethan grinned so broadly that he didn't even bother admonishing Conner when Mr. Mongolian Gerbil started nibbling on the remains of Ethan's burger.

"So the Lost Galaxy Rangers… who are they?" Kira asked.

"They were onboard Terra Venture when it left Earth," Jason said. "They settled on Mirinoi and they've rarely returned—only diehard Power Ranger fans know much about them. Karone, Andros's sister—"

"The one who used to be Astronema, the evil villainess?" Ethan interrupted.

"Yeah, her, she took over as their Pink Ranger for a while, but Kendrix returned to the team and Karone came back to Earth."

"Who's the Red on that team?" Conner asked.

"Leo Corbett. His brother Mike was on the team as the Magna Defender—not quite sure what that means," Jason replied. "Blue was Kai Chen, Green was Damon Henderson, Yellow was Maya—not sure if she has a last name—and Pink was Kendrix Morgan."

"Who else?" Kira asked.

"Cole said he was coming, but I haven't talked to anyone else from Wild Force," Jason said.

"Taylor's coming with Eric and Wes," Trini said. "I assume the rest of Time Force won't make it."

"Why not?" Ethan asked, disappointed.

"They're in the year 3000," Trini explained. "Or… whatever year they went back to. They were from 3000."

"Of course, Rocky, Adam, Aisha and Tanya are coming," Kimberly said.

Tommy cleared his throat. "Has anyone heard from Kat?"

The tension and reluctance to discuss Kat was as clear as if everyone had spit at Tommy for mentioning her. Tommy winced inwardly. He assumed everyone thought he'd brought her up to try to mess with Kimberly, but in reality he was just curious. He and Kat weren't best pals, but she was still a friend and a former teammate and not only did he loathe avoiding the subject but he wasn't used to doing so—until he and Kimberly had gotten back within earshot of each other, they'd talked about Kat as readily as they'd talked about any other former Ranger.

"Come to think of it, I'm not even sure she knows," Jason said, his tone expressing a desire to smack Tommy upside the head. "I'll call her later."

The conversation dead-ended. Everyone sat in silence, darting little glances at each other but none of them speaking. Tommy sighed inwardly, wishing—not for the first time—that there wasn't so much awkwardness and implied rules and that he could say whatever the hell he wanted without fearing gasps, blushes or people saying "Shut up, you idiot!"

"Um, I really need to go get a water bottle," Conner said finally. "They're not drinking much."

"Are we splitting up again?" Ethan asked.

"Probably," Kimberly replied, "because it's time for me to go get Billy new clothes."

Billy grimaced. "Do we have to?"

"Yes. Coming, Trini?"

"Okay, but we need to stop by Picture Perfect on the way. I took some great photos last night that I want to get developed." Kira suppressed a laugh.

"Why don't you come with us, Kira?" Kimberly asked. "So I won't have to listen to stuff about computers and spaceships that I won't understand all day?"

"Sure."

"I'm with you guys," Ethan said.

"No!" Conner exclaimed. "You said you'd go into the pet store for me and Trent!"

"But… but… spaceship cars and…"

"I'm sure most of our conversations will revolve around clothing anyway," Trini told him.

"You also said you wanted to check out the arcade with us, Ethan," Trent pointed out.

"Don't worry; I was convinced back at 'revolve around clothing,'" Ethan said.

"I don't think you three should go wandering off alone anymore," Tommy said dryly.

Conner, Ethan and Trent began protesting simultaneously.

"We'll be fine—"

"I need food pellets—"

"We've done all the damage we can for one day—"

"I'll watch out for them—"

"And a water bottle—"

"Clothes shopping isn't my—"

"Fine, fine," Tommy interrupted wearily. "But if you have one more freak accident, I'm putting you on the first bus out of Angel Grove, and I don't care whether it's headed to Reefside or Chicago. Meet back here at seven."

"Thank you!" they chorused, hastily standing up and preparing to bolt before Tommy could change his mind. Then Trent paused. "Hey, Kimberly? Can I have a pair of those handcuffs after all?" Everyone stared at him. "What? I've been hanging out with Conner all day. It'd be nice to have a backup plan for once."

Kimberly fished in the bag and produced a box of fuzzy red handcuffs for him. Trent took them out of the box and stuffed them into his hoody as he left with Conner and Ethan.

"Please don't let them get caught by security with hamsters and handcuffs," Tommy prayed aloud. The others laughed. Tommy sighed and stood up. "Let's make another run to the cars," he said to Jason and Zack. "Put this stuff away."

"If it will fit," Zack said. "See you, guys. Good luck, Billy."

"Thanks," Billy said glumly as they left.

"Well, let's get going, Billy," Kimberly said. "It's time to make you the most fashionable human Aquitar has ever seen."

"Figures," Billy joked dryly. "I finally move to a planet that places brains above looks, and I still need a makeover."

"Devin," Cassidy said slowly, "I think we need a plan."

Devin sighed inwardly. This was the fourth time she'd interrupted Miscellaneous Power Ranger Footage Salvaged from the Viewing Globe Archives, Part I, which Hayley had let them borrow, under the conditions that they didn't leave it lying around and watched it behind locked doors when they could be assured of their privacy. Devin wanted to get through it quickly, before his mom came home (and before Hayley's liver processed the copious amounts of Jack Daniels that had influenced her decision and she came looking for them), but Cassidy wasn't as interested as he was and kept talking over some of the best parts.

"A plan for what, Cassidy?" he asked wearily, hitting pause on the VCR.

"A plan to get our jobs back."

"Cassidy, we've talked about this. You said we should just give up and look for new ones and since we're going off to college in the fall anyway—"

"I know, I know. I was just thinking. About Hayley and Dr. Mercer and Principal Randall."

"Yeah, and?"

"Well, what if we did a documentary on the villains who fought against the Dino Thunder Rangers, including an interview with Elsa and Mesogog?"

Devin's face lit up. "Do you think Randall would give us one?"

"Maybe. I mean, we did a really good thing for them," Cassidy said. "But I was actually thinking about Dr. Mercer."

"How? No one knows he was Mesogog, except us, and Randall and Hayley and Dr. Oliver and Conner, Kira, Ethan and Trent."

"I know, I know. He probably won't want to go on camera, but Randall might, so we could disguise his identity and interview her to give us credibility. Maybe we could even use Hayley as 'an anonymous source close to the Power Rangers!'"

"That would be the most awesome documentary ever!" Devin exclaimed, awed.

"Tell me about it! Forget Mr. Cormier, it could make us famous!"

"You think?" Devin asked hopefully.

"Only one way to find out," Cassidy said determinedly, standing up. "Come on, Devin. Let's go see a couple of evildoers."

"Shopping is an art."

"Yes, Kim."

"An art, Billy."

"I'm a man of science, Kim."

"Oh, please. You have to be creative, or you wouldn't be able to come up with all those inventions."

"Kim—"

"You see, Billy, shopping is a lot like building an invention."

"Somehow I cannot fathom that there might possibly be a connection."

"See, that's because you think you just put on a shirt and a pair of pants and go on about your business. You don't."

"Why not?"

"Because every article of clothing has to work together in order to form an outfit, the same way an engine has to work together with a… a fuel pump and a… wiper blade—"

"Can't I just go wait in the dressing room while you bring me stuff?"

"No, Billy, you can't. I am going to teach you how to do this for yourself."

"Kim, I don't really need to learn! Aquitar doesn't have clothing stores. They don't even have stores. They have guilds that produce wares which are in turn distributed to the people as per the people's needs without exchanging any form of currency. Each member of Aquitar belongs to a guild and does their part to feed, clothe, shelter and serve the population as a whole."

"Billy… I think you just described a communist regime."

"What I described was an alien culture that never got around to inventing the concept of money! They do not have clothes shopping, the same way they don't have marriage or the concept of fame or animals trained for manual labor or telephones and I really don't need to look fashionable when—"

"Oh, yes you do. I mean it, Billy, this is long overdue. It's not like you're incapable of memorizing the rules of fashion. You've memorized every cultural and technological aspect found on not only Earth but a whole other planet; surely you can figure out why it's not a good idea to wear brown with black!"

"Yes, because that will help me locate an alternate energy source for interplanetary travel and allow me to devise a strategy to end the feud between Xybria and Inquiris without committing the entirety of the Aquitian armed forces to keeping the peace on other planets and leaving our own vulnerable to attack."

"Billy?"

"Hmm?"
"Do you prefer tan or beige?"

"Tan or… what?"

"Beige."

"Tan or beige?"

"Yeah. Which one?"

"Aren't they the same thing?"

"…This is going to take a while."

"Tan. Tan. Honest. Tan. I prefer tan."

"Come on, guys—is this really necessary?"

"You've been outvoted. Ethan goes into the pet store to buy supplies, I keep lookout, you wait here."

"But we're nowhere near the pet store. We're on the first floor!"

"Exactly. According to the trigonometry equation, we can't get any farther from the pet store without going inside a store or out of the mall."

"Come on, guys, it's not like I'm going to—"

"To what? To vandalize a fountain? To release hundreds of rodents? To enrage me until I snap and go completely psycho?"

"What if there's an emergency, and I can't escape because I'm handcuffed to a bench?"

"Take the bench with you."

"And remember that in any other circumstances, running off with the bench is considered stealing and it's not like the mall's going to be very forgiving on a day like today."

"Guys, seriously, this is completely unnecessary."

"Conner, put your wrist on the bench."

"No, seriously. I'm saying—"

"It won't work."

"Yes it will! We'll put Kimberly on Billy's lap, and Trini on Jason's lap, and Ethan on Conner's lap—"

"Doubling everyone up means we need six places to sit. We can only fit four people in both cars."

"What if we tie Kimberly's stuff to the luggage rack?"

"And risk it getting stolen and Kimberly making new clothes out of our skin?"

"I hear wearing the skin of your enemies is in right now."

"What if we tie the Spencer's crap to the luggage rack?"

"And risk leaving a trail of handcuffs from here to the hotel?"

"You know what the sad part is?"

"There's something sadder than two vehicles with twelve seats and ample trunk space being packed tighter than a can of sardines with enough junk to open up a very bizarre shop and leaving us unable to get home?"

"Yeah. The sad part is we're not even done shopping."

End Notes: Running dry on titles; it was the best I could do. And you know, I had fully intended to write Anton as disturbed and worried by the news of Tommy's purchases, but it just didn't work. I tell myself that it's because Anton knew Tommy and surely understood Tommy's penchant for chaos, but I can't help but blame Latham Gaines for being incredibly cool and funny when I met him at PMC. Oh, did some minor editing to the last chapter, just a couple lines here and there and some grammar changes. Almost done editing a few chapters involving a mistake I made regarding the RADBUG's trunk; will be updating with the improved version soon.