A/N: Hey guys! First off, thanks for all the reviews. Theres a pretty apparent correlation between the story I invest most of my time into and which one gets the most feedback despite my personal interest. (I like all of my stories, but this one is definitely not my favorite. I'm more of an A.U chick myself.)
I'm going to go ahead and apologize in advance for any grammatical mistakes. I'm sure there will be more than a few. I'm going camping for two weeks and I'll probably be hard pressed to write, let alone post, so I wanted to post a chapter for each of my three main stories I'm writing, and I only proofread this once (Yikes.) Hopefully, theres nothing glaring, but if there is, I'll change it whenever I can.
This chapter was really fun to write. It's super dialogue heavy, as you'll find most of my chapters will be in this story. I also have the zanpakuto's in this chapter, which was really fun. I find Ichigo is often depicted as this wonder boy with zero faults in other fictions I read, but even in the manga, he's pretty imperfect. I enjoyed pointing out those imperfections in this chapter.
A little side note, I usually post lyrics with every chapter. I'm not sure if anyone even notices them, but their usually songs that rather inspired the chapter or create an ambiance for it. (When I'm not being a complete loser and wasting my life away with fan fiction, I write music. So I'm pretty inspired by lyrics.) Anyway, point being, I'm going to start posting the actually song as I do below for anyone who cares to listen or just enjoys discovering new music as I do.)
Also, I talk a little bit about how the noble clans come to be and it's inspired by a pretty well known and lovely fan fic author, Spunky0ne. Of course, I put my own twist on it.
Disclaimer: Sadness. Pure, heart wrenching sadness.
Song: "Pasture", by Down like Silver
Good vibes! ~ Ashes.
xXx
I want to lie down, my memory erased.
Upon the soft ground
I can feel it's warm embrace.
Put me out to pasture,
I don't want to live on this battlefield no more.
Put me out to pasture,
I don't want to live on this battlefield.
-Down like Silver.
xXx
In the Places the Light Doesn't Touch, hope grows.
Ichigo had aimlessly walked as far as possible from the healing center. He was vaguely aware that he was somewhere near the outskirts, as if his subconscious just knew he wanted to be alone and directed him to the least populated area.
As soon as it dawned on him that he now had a place at the Kuchiki estate he could retreat too, he overheard some approaching voices, ones he recognized as some unseated members of squad eleven.
"Iwate-san, Chiba-san, wait up," panted a young wiry man.
"Where's the fire, Endo-san? They giving out free sake at the healing center or something?" jested Iwate.
Shoving the exasperated shinigami in the shoulder, Chiba poised brusquely, "Or maybe Arai-san challenged him to a duel again, and he's running like the little pansy he is."
"Will you two idiots shut it!" Endo snarled, now finding his breath once more. "Anyway, I was out near the woods of Sokyoku Hill training, ya know?"
"Training?" Iwate mocked, a shit eating grin on his mug, "now that is a shocker!"
Putting on fraudulent panic, Chiba graped Endo by the fabric of his shihakushÅand shook him furiously. "Training? There's no way your Endo-san! What have you done with our friend?" he barked, shaking him a few more times before pushing Endo off and bellowing with laughter, Iwate following in suit.
At this point, the group and Ichigo were passing by each other on their paths. Luckily, the group seem to enthralled with their antics to give notice to the notorious savior. To Ichigo, there word were a little more than headache inducing and their meaning barely filtered into his scope of awareness. He could have implicated a quick flash step, but he felt to apathetic to exert himself. It was of no matter, the three would be out of earshot soon enough.
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Endo groaned, situating his now disheveled uniform. "I guess I just won't tell you then."
"Oh, don't be like that. We were just poking fun," prodded Chiba.
Feeling eager, it took little goading to prompt his story. "Alright, alright, well I was training out by the woods, and you'll never believe who I saw out there wearing no haori, no fancy hairpiece, down on his dainty little hands and feet gardening."
The vague, yet memorable description just barely meeting Ichigo's ears piqued his interest, making him halt his foot's movements and turn his head just slightly over his shoulder.
"Who?" the other two asked in unison.
"Tachiou Kuchiki, that's who," Endo declared proudly. "Well," he added slyly, "he ain't much of a Tachiou anymore."
"I heard there taking his position away from him," Chiba speculated. "Tachiuo Kenpachi's going to be steamed, I know he loved fighting Kuchiki!"
"Gardening?" Iwate ridiculed, "With his own two hands? How the mighty has fallen!"
"Serves him right, if you ask me." Endo scoffed. "All ways acting so superior with his laws and rules. Baka. Without his vision, I bet he could get bested by an unseated officer. It's what he would deserve, arrogant bastard."
Perking an eyebrow with devious intent, Iwate asked, "What do you say guys, why don't we go show dear old Tachiou Kuchiki what it's like to be helpless? You know what they say, the mightier they are, the harder they fall."
"Uh, I don't think that's a good idea guys. We should just leave the poor gu-," Chiba's words were cut of by a ominously hostile pressure rushing the three, dropping the group to their knees in convulsions immediately. The could barely stand it, desperately clawing at their throats as their mouths floundered for the few breaths they could manage.
"Sorry," Ichigo remarked derisively, walking casually over towards the group, "I'm really bad at controlling my reitsue, so when I get angry, there's little I can do to hold it back." Scowling with deadly intent, Ichigo took deliberately slow steps towards the three writhing around, their eyes pleading for release. as their mouths floundered for the few breaths they could manage
"Sorry," Ichigo remarked derisively, walking casually over towards the group. "I'm really bad at controlling my reiatsu, so when I get angry, there's little I can do to hold it back." Scowling with deadly intent, Ichigo took deliberately slow steps towards the three writhing around, their eyes pleading for release. He scoffed at their pathetic state, feeling disgusted. Not because something as trivial as power difference, but because of their despicably thoughtless comments and animus towards Byakuya. Taking advantage of someone disability was revolting in its lack of virtue and showed a rotten spirit, and making such boldly disparaging statements about Byakuya - a war hero - showed their complete lack of appreciation for how the war really affected people.
It almost stunned him that members of the gotei could be making such callous statements. Had they not lost people too, had they not been swept by the wave of somber mourning that had rolled over the entirety of the gotei? This was a time to be coming together in solidarity, not prodding at everyone's already strained vulnerabilities.
"Don't worry, I ain't going to kill you punks. It would be to much trouble on me," he assured, "and unlike you, I have a fucking moral compass." Smirking in his aloof way, Ichigo poised, "You're lucky though, I'm doing you a favor, really, because sight or no sight, Byakuya could take you all out with the flick of his wrist." Outrage electrified the air and poured out of every pour of the shinigami as he looked on with disgust. "How dare you? Byakuya gave up his vision fighting with everything he had to help save this world. He did it for all the people who were to weak to do it themselves, including you. But hey? Next time the worlds in peril danger, why don't you three hot shots take that on?" Scoffing, Ichigo said, "Just be happy I don't tell your tachiou about this, he'd probably make you backup your words with actions and take on Byakuya, and trust me, it wouldn't go in your favor."
After that, before he did actually kill someone inadvertently, Ichigo flash steped away, releasing the three from his pressure.
Before his mind even registered where he was going, Ichigo's body made up his mind for him. Almost instinctually, Ichigo headed towards Sokyoku Hill. Part of him felt necessitated to check on the nobleman, though he was fully aware the capable man did not need his solicitude. None the less, those invisible tethers pulled on him without question.
Another part of him, one he wasn't to sure of, also just wanted to be in the presence of the other. While usually, Ichigo sought solitude while dealing with inner struggles, he found the other man's company comforting, albeit unintentionally so. For whatever reason, Byakuya just understood, and his companionship felt breezy and unforced. Byakuya didn't bellgard him with questions on how he defeated the quincy king. He didn't pester him about being open about his feelings nor did he treat Ichigo as if he should be a giddy victor. He didn't pressure him into staying with the gotei like many had. He just accepted and understood Ichigo, because they had shared in such an intimate catastrophe, and ironically enough, they both coped with the aftermath in similar ways. Without words, with Byakuya, Ichigo felt 'got' in ways he didn't know how to explain.
Fortunately, Ichigo was never one to question his own impulses all too much and just went with it, not jaundicing that connection they had with overthinking.
'You sure showed them punks, King!'
"You're complimenting me, what do you want, Zangetsu?" Ever since his shinigami/hollow side merged with his quincy side, and he found out that shiro actually was Zangetsu and Old Man Zangetsu was actually a manifestation of his quincy powers, his sword spirit had became considerably more docile. But compliments? Ichigo knew better.
'Ah, come on, king! You insult me, I just wanted to cheer ya' on."
"Sure," Ichigo snorted sardonically.
'And maybe you could let me manifest for a minute, stretch my legs."
Ichigo smirked at Zangetsu actually asking for such a privilege instead of threatening to take him over like before. The respect that had bridged between them was paramount. "Oh, what? You can't do it without my allowance?" Ichigo poked fun.
'Now don't think I won't still kick your smart ass, King. I'm trying to be nice here, geze. Met a guy half way, why dontcha. IT FUCKING STORMING LIKE CRAZY IN HERE!'
"I'm about to go see Byakuya," Ichigo reminded. "I don't know if I should have you out like that while he's around."
'Why not?! I'm your zanpakuto spirit, I just happen to have a little bit of hollow in the mix. It's not like they didn't just have a bunch of visards as taichou.'
As much as it killed him to admit it, his sword spirit was correct. Also, while hollows were natural enemies of quincies, shinigami's had nothing inherently against them, and had became much more accepting after the incident with Aizen became exposed. He'd yet to really explain his merging and the whole story behind his swords to Byakuya, however now was as good a time as any, he supposed.
"Fine, but if you start acting weird, YOU'RE GOING BACK."
Suddenly, a manifested all white copycat version of himself begane flash stepping beside him. "Give me some credit, will you, King?" the spirit bellowed. "And what do you mean weird!? When am I ever weird?"
"Everything you do is weird!" Ichigo spat.
"Yeah, well I'm YOUR spirit, so what does that say about you, huh?"
The two continued with this back and forth until they came to a halt at the wooded circumference of the mountainous overlook, the peculiar yet equally as enchanting sight confirming the three men's words.
Knelt down, the nobleman's hands were labored with soft mounds of cool and lightly moist dirt cupped in his palms. His brow netted in concentration, the raven seemed to be lost to his surroundings, his whole world existing within the sensation of the grain traced grooves of his grasp.
Ichigo too became lost to the trance inducing sight, pulled on by the boldness of Byakuya's ethereal aura. For passing moments, hidden away by the foliage, Ichigo studied his face that was being lavished by rays of light, making the splendid mosaic of prominent and soft features twinkle.
Pulling Ichigo from his reverie, Zangetsu poised, "He's a beauty, ain't he, King?"
With his brow creased thoughtfully and his eye's sharpened in the direction of the young nobleman, Ichigo confirmed, "Yeah, he is."
Byakuya was akin to a vibrantly radiant sakura, one couldn't help but stop and pay attention to him. Only Ichigo had never noticed before. It was similar to a person walking to work day after day, always under the loom of a whimsical wisteria tree, always too engrossed in their inner world to take notice. But one day, a petal fell and tickled their face, and finally, they looked up, halted by the magnificent sight that had been there all along, but they were to distracted to notice.
It wasn't attraction so much as it was admiration. Ichigo could notice and admire beautiful things, he had just always been too preoccupied to stop and smell the roses, so to speak. Too busy saving the world to ever enjoy it. Similarly, he knew Rukia was beautiful, Inoue too, but he never really thought about it. No. It was just a fact that sat idly in the back of his all too often absorbed thoughts.
Somehow, Byakuya had finally made him stop and take notice.
"Yo, Byakuya," Ichigo greeted, finally stepping out from his shaded cover.
Stopping his movements and marginally turning his head, Byakuya asked, "Are you in need of something, Kurosaki Ichigo?"
"Uh, no," Ichigo chuckled dryly, "I was just.. Seeing what you were up too." 'Why does he always ask me that? It's like he only thinks I'd want to see him if I needed something from him.'
There was a short silence on Byakuya's parts and it was confused in it's nature. Finally, he asked, "How did you find me?" before continuing with his work.
Taking a few elongated steps, Ichigo came to stand beside the man, Zangetsu observing a few feet behind him. Quickly, he fibbed, "Ah, I sensed you."
"Hm," Byakuya humed knowingly, "you are as bad at lying as you are at sensing reiatsu."
Scowling lightheartedly, Ichigo jested, "Hey, I'm not that bad at lying."
Turning his head upwards, Byakuya looked slightly past Ichigo, but the affronted way his face creased told Ichigo he demanded the truth.
"Um, well," the blond huffed, "I overheard some punks saying they saw you here."
Specks mutated into a deep violet that intensely burnished his eye's. They were as stunning as the hues of purple that would fuse with shade of coral during a sunset and as intoxicatingly sweet as the most ambrosial plum sangria. Busying his hands and hiding his agitation, Byakuya said, "Ah, I must be quite the spectacle."
Once again captured by the bewitchery of those eyes, without even realizing it, Ichigo rasped, "Yeah, you really are." He blushed at the way his words might've been construed as Byakuya's eyes fluctuated to that curious green and an eyebrow perked in question. Before he could amend his blunder, Byakuya stated, "There's someone here with you. Their reiatsu feels similar to your own, only with a slight deviation. Your zanpakuto spirit is manifested, yes?"
"Yeah," Ichigo confirmed with a nod, gauging that Zangetsu had been oddly quiet throughout this whole ordeal.
"And which Zangetsu is it," he asked, "Your shinigami side or your quincy side?"
Gaping slightly at that, Ichigo baffled, "You knew about my two spirits?"
Placing a seed in the ground, Byakuya patted down a layer of dirt before smoothing it over. "The only thing I know for certain is, during your time in the Soul Palace, you fully actualized your powers by understanding you have both a shinigami and quincy side, and that by doing so, you obtained two swords." The nobleman paused thoughtfully before adding, "There has been much gossip flying around, but I do not entertain rumors."
"Oh yeah," Ichigo countered, feeling oddly chafed at the idea that his life was the center of speculation amongst his fellow shinigami, "and what about these rumors?"
"Simply that the spirit you considered your hollow was actually your zanpaktou," he explained, "and that he existed as a fusion of hollow and shinigami."
Grimacing, Ichigo huffed, "Damn, word really does gets around quick here."
"This is a place where not much happens, and being our resident savior makes you quite the hot topic," Byakuya explained matter of factly. Gauging the simmering intensity of Ichigo's reiatsu and the stifling muteness, Byakuya felt compelled to reassure the man. "Do not worry, the novelty will run out soon enough, even for one as yourself." Ichigo found his scowl melting ever so slightly as Byakuya added humorously, "Though, knowing you, surely you'll find a way to shock the masses once more."
Feeling both relieved and thankful with how easily Byakuya could switch the flip on his acrimonious temperament by a simple conversation, Ichigo's comforted smile widened. "No way, after all of this, I think I'm going to be taking it easy for a while. Ya know, just have a boring, regular life."
"Do you even know the meaning of such a thing?" Byakuya huffed in amusement.
"Not really," Ichigo chuckled, "but I'm an easy teach." He paused momentarily, transitioning to a question that had been on his mind. "And to answer your question, it's shinigami Zangetsu. Why didn't you ask me about the rumors yourself?" he questioned, finding it almost peculiar that Byakuya hadn't made any comment on it.
In a manner typical to him, Byakuya folded his hands gracefully over his knees, closed his eyes, and let the zephyr wafted his silken locks from his albastar features. Such aesthetically graceful mannerisms flowed naturally for the nobel, as if his movements were a dance of their own. "If you had wanted me to know, I knew you would tell me in your own time. I understand many people have besieged you with questions, and I did not wish to add to the inspection. It is no one's business but your own."
Again, Byakuya surprised him with how well he could read and respect Ichigo's wants and boundaries. There were no words he could find to express his gratitude, though he knew none were necessary.
His heart thumped just a bit faster as a warmness shrouded his heart. Carefully, he asked "Are you scared of him? Zangetsu, I mean?"
Sniffing hautly, Byakuya chided, "Do not Insult me, Kurosaki Ichigo. I would never be frightened of a zanpakuto spirit, hollow or no hollow."
"Ha," Ichigo scoffed, smirking playfully, "I guess I forgot who I was speaking too."
"I shall let such an insult to my pride slide this once," Byakuya warned, a teasing inflection to his words as his eyes glittered with gold for a transitory moment. Sighing deeply, he add, "It seems fairly obvious that he is pacified, and if he is apart of your soul, I doubt he'd want to bring me harm."
"True," Ichigo said. "I just know how the shinigamis feel about outsiders, especially after the war."
"I'll be the first to admit that I'm reluctant to the presence of newcomers. Their unseen variables that could ultimately harm the world we work to protect." A pause. "However, any being with higher thinking capabilities is not innately bad, but they're much more a product of their environment. This explains quincy's like yourself and espada like that young girl who fought for us during the war. And as I expressed before, I had only been so adamant about your not belonging because I hold fervently to the idea that this is no life for a mere human, but as you've proven time and time again, mere human you are not."
"Careful, Byakuya. I'm might start thinking you actually like humans," Ichigo teased.
"I hold no issues with humans," Byakuya admitted. "Shinigamis have a duty to help them pass and protect our world's balance. Often we protect their world from hollow invasions. Actually.." he confessed, finding it all too natural to speak about himself with the younger man, "I find their history and traditions rather fascinating." Feeling as if he had already said too much, Byakuya stilled his tongue lest more truths started rolling off of it.
Ichigo opened his mouth to speak, but finally, without warning, Zangetsu spoke up, pushing past Ichigo. "Way to talk about a guy like he ain't here," he pouted, strutting over to Byakuya and dropping down on his knees beside the man. "I should have introduced myself anyway. Where are my manners, Moonbeam?" Zangetsu smirked.
Turning his head towards the gravelly voice that rang in his ear, Byakuya perked a brow at the odd nickname. "Being Kurosaki Ichigo's zanpakuto, I assumed you did not have any."
"Ah, cheeky," the spirit chuckled boisterously, "I like that. No wonder king's taken such a liking to you lately. Someone can finally match that smart mouth of his"
To Ichigo's utter surprise and mortification, the spirit grasped Byakuya's hand and pushed the fingertips against his bleach white cheek.
Sputtering, Ichigo reprimanded, "Zangetsu! What the hell are you doing?"
"Ah, chill," the spirit countered flippantly, still holding tightly to the nobleman's wrist, "I'm just saying hello."
"Yeah, well here in the real world most people just shake hands or don't touch at all!" Ichigo felt like a humiliated parent, wanted to declare how his child did not learn that from him.
With a roll of the eyes, the spirit Ignored Ichigo's hysterics and addressed the nobleman. "What an idiot. I'm the brains of this operation, really."
"Frightening," the Kuchiki noble deadpanned, his fingers tentatively brushing the bone frigid skin of the creature.
"I figured I know what you look like, so it's only fair if you know what I look like too," the spirit offered.
"Zangetsu, I do-" Ichigo once again went to scold the spirit, only to falter at the sight of green specks gleaming with an enthused inquisitiveness and ivory fingertips circumnavigating the edges of Zangetsu's face. With the prudent interest one explored a priceless painting, Byakuya traced from his chiseled jaw all the way to the dip of the his nose, making his way across the wrinkle of the spirits brow and ending with a gentle tussle of snow white hair. There was a zeal for learning and discovery behind each movement. Byakuya doing this so openly, or at all, was not something Ichigo thought he'd ever see.
Watching on with crimson cheeks, he felt equally flustered as he was envious of his spirits lack of boundaries. True, Ichigo was hot headed and obstinate at best, but he had some shame unlike his filterless companion. He didn't react to every little impulse, and he found himself much to bashful for something as blatant and unabashed. Much like Byakuya, he too had his walls, as he spent year maintaining his cool and detached reputation he'd been know for at school.
Though his envy did beg the question of why he coveted the touch of those fingers on his own face and the ability to act so boldly towards Byakuya. Especially since the thought never crossed his mind until he saw it right in front of him.
"How peculiar," Byakuya marveled just over a whisper, "you look very similar to Kurosaki."
"Only much sexier," Zangetsu jested smugly.
"Yeah, well, that's where the similarities end," Ichigo scoffed.
Resigning the touch and laying his flattened hand against his knee once more, Byakuya bit back a smirk and speculated, "That I'm not sure of. You both seem rather audacious and impedent."
"Now who's insulting who? Tch," Ichigo asked and smacked his gum.
Unable to help himself, Byakuya taunted, "And you both seem to have the childish tendency of pouting."
Whatever snippy Kurosaki comeback Ichigo had got interrupted by the sudden appearance of Senbonzakura. "Master, I finished the other s-". The samurai cut himself off at this sight, looking back and forth between his master and Ichigo. Saying nothing else, the spirit walked right up to Ichigo with a conviction backing his steps.
Ichigo almost backed up instinctively, wondering if that resolute stride meant he should be concerned by the fierce looking warrior. Once standing in front of the young man, much like Zangetsu, Senbonzakura took a knee. Only, the spirit bowed his head in a show of reverence, just making Ichigo more confused. "Kurosaki-sama," his staunchly deep voice called out as he put a hand to his face and removed his mask.
It was not only the title that bewildered the young man, but the surprisingly stunning face revealed from behind the concealment. Ichigo couldn't help but to find the parallels to Byakuya blindingly apparent, a beautiful and prideful warrior who hides behind a mask. Yet Senbonzakura took off his mask for Ichigo of all people. It could only make him ruminate more severely on Rukia's earlier words and about how long the nobleman had been regarding him, noticing him, supporting him silently without expecting a thing.
"I have desired the chance to express to you the magnitude of my gratitude towards you." Also like Zangetsu, the spirit took his hand, only with much more tact and regality. Tenderly, he pressed his rose colored lips onto Ichigo's knuckles for a chaste kiss. "You protected my pride when I was unable. You're a true warrior in my eyes."
Flabbergasted and blushing, Ichigo stammered, "Uh, you- you don't have to thank me. It's what anyone would have done."
Smiling, the spirit rose to his feet and resituated his bearings. "And of course you are humble about your heroic actions, I'd expect no less."
Looking to Byakuya, he was surprised for about the fifth time in this one short occurrence. The specks in his eyes had turned into a saturated magenta, showcasing obvious embarrassment on the young noble's face. Ichigo was stuck between thinking it was somehow adorable and wanting to savor the moment, seeing as Byakuya had no issue with taunting him about his zanpakuto's daring behavior.
"Long time no fight, Senny," Zangetsu sprang up, throwing an unceremonious arm around the samurai. "Who knew you were so pretty underneath that mask of yours? If I had've, I would've come out of those damn skyscrapers a long time ago."
Jolting from beneath the touch, Senbonzakura admonished, "How dare you truncate my name like that, you b-" Pausing, his thoughts became sidetracked. "Wait, what is a skyscraper?"
Ichigo thought he heard the nobleman give an audible sigh, one that said, 'and here we go.'
"Uh, they're really tall buildings that they have in the living world," the spirit said, rubbing at the back of his head in a manner similar to Ichigo.
With a voice full of verve and an affinity for learning, the spirit asked, "Do you know many things about the World of The Living?"
"Yeah," the spirit smirked, "I know whatever King knows and then some. Since he's human, I know enough."
Clutching the all white manifestation by his forearms and shaking him vigorously, the sword spirit demanded, "Zangetsu-san, you must tell me all you know!"
"Sure thing, but you gotta promise to shake me like that a lot more," the sword spirit chuckled and winked.
"I do not understand your implications or your means of payment, but if this is the price, I shall shake you all you want."
"Oh sweet, pure, Sunshine, were going to have a lot of fun. Let's give our masters some privacy, and I'll tell you all you want to know."
Like an energetic child wanting permission to play with his friend, Senbonzakura implored, "Master, may I?"
With a huff, Byakuya waved him off and consented. "Very well, but be on guard. When I'm through, I'll use our mental bond to call out for you, and I'll expect you to return post haste.
"Thank you, Master!" the spirit said, taking the other spirit's hand and dragging him along. As their voices faded, Ichigo heard Senbonzakura inquire, "Now tell me more about these skyscrapers, do these buildings scrape the sky? Does this hurt the sky?"
Once the two were out of sight, Ichigo let out an uncouth groan. "My zonpakuto is a god damn henti."
"And mine talks too much."
"Oh, so that's why you let him go," Ichigo snickered, taking the place beside Byakuya that Zangetsu once preoccupied. "He's nothing like I'd expect. I mean, he seems pretty different than you."
"Really?" Byakuya countered, "and I thought Zangetsu was your mirror image."
Ichigo scoffed. "There you go, always with the compliments."
"I did not say it was a bad thing," he explained.
Putting on an unusually demure smile, Ichigo said, "Heh, I'm pretty straightforward most of the time. I guess that just means you're more than meets the eyes." Byakuya could hear the inflection of a smile in the man's charming voice and found himself wishing he could see it. Such thoughts were making him wonder if this boy was driving him to delirium. He should not want for such things and had never held such useless desires before. Then again, there was never the possibility of not seeing that smile again before.
"Anyway," Ichigo changed the subject, "What are you doing out here anyway. I mean, I know what you're doing, but why, why out here?"
Byakuya seemed to directed his unseeing gaze into the unblemished ivory of his hands, as if asking them their purpose. "I'm planting red tsubaki trees around the circumference of this hill to show my solace for the lives lost in the war. Thirteen in all." Ichigo gaped marginally as Byakuya continued. "In these times when death surrounds us, creating life, creating anything, seems to validate your existence. It shows that not everything is withered," he hesitated with his next words, "that you may have been brought to your knees, but standing is as simple as getting to your feet." For just a meteoric moment, Byakuya had been diverted from his woeful pondering, distracted by the revitalizing company of Ichigo. It was no bombshell, the reality behind Renji's words. Just from his force of will alone, Ichigo had moved something within Byakuya, stimulated his roots so they could extend once again. He reminded Byakuya of things he once believed and inspired him to combat anything that stood in the way of his pride, even if those things were the laws of which he lived by. By being perfectly Kurosaki Ichigo, he made him believe in such a thing as hope and that it was worth fighting for.
There was no denying that Byakuya had developed deep reverence for the man, and through that, he also developed a certain amount of care. Yet just as he did with Rukia, just as he did with all those he held in his heart, he treasured Ichigo from a distance, keeping himself detached while also protecting his own heart. Like always though, Ichigo pushed himself in, and Byakuya found it arduous if not useless to resist his stubbornness. More troubling, he found himself not wanting to, as if a friendship between the two was just as natural as the plum trees that canvassed the plains.
Deep within, two latent parts seemed to rage against each other. A need to keep Ichigo at bay and a need to keep him close. It was of no matter, for if everything went as planned, he'd be leaving soon.
The thoughtfulness of the gesture and the truth of those words stole Ichigo's breath for a passing moment. He'd never thought of things like that, considering all he seemed to know was destruction. His hands, his uncontrollable powers, they brought chaos. Perhaps a needed chaos, but chaos none the less. Seeing things through Byakuya's eyes, understanding his motives and thoughts, it was like seeing things with a whole new perspective. He felt as if he grew in the wise and radiant light of the older man.
"Why red tsubaki?" Ichigo rasped.
With closed eyes and soft mounds of warm breath, Byakuya said, "You know of hanakotoba, the Japanese language of flowers, yes? Red tsubaki's mean to perish with grace, and more so, they symbolize love."
"Love?" Ichigo asked, glaring towards the man dubiously. "I get the perish with grace part, but I'm not following why you wanted something that symbolized love."
"That's rather simple, actually," the nobleman elucidated, "The essence of being alive, of growing, is to be loved." At the perplexed silence that followed, Byakuya clarified his somewhat cryptic words. "A child whom is never given the affection or care of a parent will never learn to function normally or interact with others healthily. Likewise, animals who are abandoned by their parents will not thrive, flowers who are not given the proper attention by a tender horticulturist will wither, and even as adults, people who know nothing of the love of other people, who are completely solitude, will always stay stagnant." With a wistful almost regretful breath, Byakuya concluded, "To be loved is to grow, to be alive."
Yes. Byakuya knew this as fact, yet he chose to live within the confines of fear, keeping him languished, but safe within those walls.
Such amorous yet astute words coming from the mouth of one of the most isolated men Ichigo knew seemed to equally sadden him as they did resonate with him. 'Are you trying to tell me you've stayed stagnant, Byakuya?' he thought, his gut churning at the unsettled notion. An urge to know Byakuya better and experience his world if only a little bit surged through Ichigo, prompting his next question. "Can I help?"
Opening his eyes, Byakuya seemed to consider the offer. "This was the last seed to be sewed, however, there is something you can do."
"Yeah, anything."
"Souls are able to concentrate their reiatsu in the palms of their hands and send the energy flowing into the seeds. This will stimulate and aid the growth process." He explained, "In this regard, everyone in the Gotei can be apart of the growth of these trees, one merely needs to stop and gently pulse their energy into the dirt."
"Wow," Ichigo marveled, "I didn't know souls were capable of something like that."
Nodding, Byakuya confirmed, "Yes, though Kuchiki's have an especially high aptitude in this."
"Really," Ichigo asked, "why?"
"I'm assuming you do not know the history behind the noble families?" Byakuya pondered.
"Nah, just that my dad's family use to be apart of it. Ya know," he snorted, "before he got them kicked out."
"Before there were shinigami or the academy, the soul king created four powerful souls to be his disciples, each with an imperative purpose. The Shihouin clan were to protect and cultivated the TenshiheisÅ, the kings heavenly weapons. The Shodaclan were created to protect the balance of souls by performing konso. The Shiba's were entrusted as the protector of the people, slaying the hollows who at one point ran ramped in this land. As for my clan, the Kuchiki's, we were given two task, protecting our world's history and our world's land. With such strong reiatsu flooding this world, our landscape was volatile and unbalanced. Therefore, Kuchiki's are born with a specific type of reiatsu, one that naturally revitalized plant life and stabilizes the geography. Because of this, just by existing, we keep famin and drought from the land."
"That's really cool, Byakuya," Ichigo complemented with a smile. "And it explains your frilly zanpakuto," he taunted with a chuckled. "You give things life, whereas all I seem to do is destroy things."
Pausing in contemplation, Byakuya gave a definitive shake of the head. "On the contrary, you destroy boundaries so life can thrive. Much in the way one must replot a plant once it's outgrown its perimeters," the nobleman rationalized. Considerably softer, Byakuya added, "Decay gives way to new life, it is all in the balance."
Each word seemed to chain together, creating an invisible rope that strangled Ichigo's heart and lungs. He was almost certain he was blushing, though he didn't understand why. This man, he did unexplainable things to him.
"Maybe I shouldn't add my energy," Ichigo suggested with an out of place chuckle. "You said gentle, and that's one word I wouldn't use to describe my reiatsu."
"Here," he gestured, hovering a hand flat above the dirt, "place your hand atop of mine, I will filter your reiatsu."
Hesitating, he looked at a patiently awaiting Byakuya, not understanding his own apprehension. The two were friends, comrades, and usually, the nobleman made Ichigo feel calm, not flustered. "Uh, sure," he mumbled, trembling slightly at the feeling of his callused palm pressed against the nobleman's hand.
"Do try to hold back though. I am already blind, so I would much enjoy keeping my hand," the nobleman deadpanned, earning him a dulcet laugh from the younger man.
"No promises," Ichigo rebutted, allowing a bit of his energy to pass through Byakuya's encumbering hand. As he slowly saw a bud begin to sprout, Ichigo's features widened in mesmerization. Removing his hand, he exalted, his breathing heavy and fluttering, "That's amazing, thanks for showing me this, Byakuya, and for..being my friend."
Hiding the effects Ichigo's words had on him, he turned his face in the direction of the other man, noting how close they were from the feeling of Ichigo's tepid breath dancing across his skin. The nobleman felt throttled by the sentiments, regretful by how foolish he had been. How could he had allowed himself to desire this companionship? Why was he trying to torture himself? Byakuya Kuchiki did not have friends, because friends could be lost and torn away. Rather he left for isolation or Ichigo left for the world of the living, he'd never have this. This comfort, this closeness, he'd long ago learned that the circumstances of his existence meant that such things would always be out of reach.
Ichigo should be with his true friends, not some broken man with no use to anyone. He gave nothing to Ichigo, was no use to him. Surely Ichigo would see that eventually. The man was just too headstrong to give up on anyone, even if it was for his own good. Byakuya knew that was just his way, that the young man could befriend anyone, but eventually, he'd leave and Byakuya would be one out of a myriad of soul who was touched by the alleviating yet expeditious winds of Ichigo's affections. He'd be simply another admirer.
He could not handle being toyed with by such fanatical ideas of friendship. It was torturous.
Calling Senbonzakura through his mind, he got to his feet and wiped the dirt off his garment. Meanwhile, Ichigo looked at those grey blue eyes shimmering like constellations, wondering if he said something wrong. "I am no such thing," Byakuya asserted, his voice as thick and cold as the surface of a frozen lake. He turned and took a few careful steps, frustrated that he could not simply flash step away.
Mystified, Ichigo shot up and grabbed the man's wrist without thought. "Byakuya, I don't understand. I thought-"
"You thought what?" he ridiculed, his back taunted towards the man's face. "That because we shared a few moments, this somehow constitutes friendship? I am not your friend, but a means of distraction for you. But I will be no one's project, Kurosaki Ichigo."
Stunned, Ichigo's voice was somewhere between offended and hurt. "Do you really think that's what I think of this? That's not it at all-"
Once again cutting the man off, Byakuya reasoned, "Besides, it do you more good to spend your time with your actual friends, not some handicapped man as myself."
At this point, Zangetsu and Senbonzakura had flashed into view, but Ichigo payed them no mind and only tightened his grasp on Byakuya's wrist. "Is that what this is about!? Don't even think about calling yourself that!"
"Fool," Byakuya chided, "always with your blind optimism. This is exactly what I am. You have no use to be around me as I have no use to be around you."
"Byakuya.." he called, his voice almost pleading, "stop being so damn stubborn, will you?! You can talk to me, because we our friends, and I can help you, because I never give up on my friends."
All of his patience, all of his control, it was slipping. This man made him relinquish it all, and he could not understand why.
"Talk to me, Bya-"
"And tell you what?" The nobleman snapped, turning around abruptly to show a crimson sea of specks lighting up the greys of his eyes with a godly wrath. "Would you like to hear of how I am stuck in this amaranthine darkness with no means of escape? Would it make you feel useful if I explained how all of the things I once found beautiful and soothing, my calligraphy, reading, moon gazing, that I can do none of these things without my sight? What if I told you that I am stuck in this incessant darkness without so much as a means of distraction, left alone only with my thoughts, would this make you feel better?"
Rendered speechless by the outburst, Ichigo's mouth sat opened but feckless, grappling pitifully for words that did not come. Byakuya, realizing that he so tempestuously lost his all enduring leveled headed temperament, cleared his throat, straightened his posture, and preened himself back into his usual unfazed nature as Senbonzakura took his place at his master's side. "Now, If I have succeeded in placating your worries, I'll be taking my leave."
Seeing the way Byakuya's eyes waned from a fiery red to a melancholy grey blue, much in the way a sunset blazes for an instance before it falls to the stillness of darkness, Ichigo was knocked from his stupor. He went to reach out for a now retreating Byakuya, only to have a thwarting hand grasp his shoulder.
Turning to see the menacing yellow eyes of Zangetsu, Ichigo all but hissed, "What's the big idea, Zangetsu?"
Smirking, the creature speculated, "Don't you think you should let him go, King?"
"Tch," he denounced and shook the spirit off, "I don't have time for this." Only, the next words his always enigmatic spirit spoke hooked him, reeling him back in. "Don't you think he has a point? You're just using him."
In a flash, Ichigo had a fist full of white fabric, snarling at the spirit with a deathly animus in his sharp, honey eyes. "Like hell I am!" he denied. "What crazy shit are you talking about? I would never use Byakuya." He emphasized the word used, spitting it out as if it had sat bitterly on his tongue.
Still with that cocky curl of the lips in place, the spirit gave a nonchalant shrug of the shoulder. "You can beat me up if you think that will make ya' feel better, King, but it won't change much and it sure won't help Byakuya." As their eyes met in a deadlock, as if both searching for some deeper realization in the other's determined glares, Ichigo's torridity dwindled to a manageable flam and his tight grasp abated. Flinging the spirit from his vicinity and scoffing, Zangetsu knew his master really wanted to help Byakuya, really cared for him, enough to dampen that irrational hostility.
Although, just as Ichigo was unable to tap into his full power until the veracity of his heritage was fully realized, his zanpakuto understood that he needed to fully understand the tendencies of his essences, good and bad, to overcome his shortcomings.
"What the hell are you talking about," Ichigo growled, "since you seem to know so much more about me than I do?"
"Think about it, King. Didn't you approach Byakuya in the first place because you felt like you needed to not feel so useless. Wasn't he just a way to preoccupy your mind?"
"No!" Ichigo immediately denied, cringing and looking off to the side, hiding the glimmer of shame that cascaded over his face.
"Are you sure?" The spirit challenged.
Clenching his fist as if he was trying to hold on to the repudiation of his flaws, Ichigo huffed, not knowing what to say exactly. "I-I...can't it be both?!" he barked. "I..care about him. I enjoy being around him.." he admitted, his voice ladled with a meekness. "Maybe at first it was partially like that, but..not anymore." Looking up with more confidence, Ichigo declared, "It's like Byakuya said, there's a difference between protecting someone and being there for someone. I want to be there for him!"
"Hm," the impish spirit hummed in amusement, "but don't you remember what you said in return? That you've never been good at the latter?"
"Yeah, but I-"
"It's like with your poor sisters," the spirit reminded, "They always wanted you to be around, to be their big brother, but you were always off. Yeah, you were protecting them, but to do so, you gave up all that time spent being there for them. Same with your friends too. Think of it like a parent who spends all their time working to provide for their brat, but then they can never spend time with them."
"That's not fair!" Ichigo cried out.
"I didn't say it was, King, but life ain't fair and the truth ain't pretty." Aloofly, the spirit sighed, walking towards Ichigo in a lackadaisical manner, much to the shinigamis chagrin. "But ya know, I never said it was a bad thing. You can't gain something without giving something up, you can't be the hero off fighting the battles while also being the brother of the year. That need to protect, it's a double sided coin."
"So what?" Ichigo mocked, "You're saying I should just give up, accept things like that? Maybe I don't always have to be just one. The war's over now, so maybe It can be different."
Snorting, the spirit said, "Of course not. If you gave up, I'd kick your ass. I was just making sure you were aware of what you were up against. You have to know yourself to change yourself."
At his spirit's support and affirmation, Ichigo gave a crooked grin. "Okay Buddha, no need to get all philosophical on me."
"That's basic common sense, King. You're just dense as all get out," the spirit insulted.
Ichigo turned towards the direction of which Byakuya fled with the help of Senbonzakura before closing his eyes against the wind, feeling remnants of the nobleman's energy swirling around him. He inhaled deeply, as if looking for the solution to these hurdles in the feeling of the man's essence. Remembering those heart wrenchingly sad eyes that burrowed into him like a silent plea for help, Ichigo opened his, feeling somewhat lost and without direction. Turning his head slightly, he asked, "What should I do?"
"What do I look like, a magic eight ball?!" the spirit bellowed. "I can't fix your problem for you."
"I don't understand why he pushed me away," Ichigo pondered out loud, his voice betraying his hurt. "I thought.." ringing his hand through his haphazard locks, "..I don't know what I thought."
"I'm not sunshine or moonbeam, so I can't tell you that. But I will say this," the spirit rebutted, coming to stand beside the man, "You two are more alike than I think either of you realize. Maybe if you look at yourself, you'll start to find the answers. Part of 'em anyway."
"Always with the damn riddles," Ichigo growled, "I thought we were passed that."
"Ah, I just like making you work for it," the spirit smirked. "You're not going to figure out why he pushed you away without pushing yourself in, so I wouldn't even waste your energy thinking about it right now. Instead, worry about pushing yourself back in."
"And how do I do that!?"
"Do I have to come up with everything!? You're about as useful as a can of bug spray." Sighing in frustrated disappointment, he advised, "Showing him that you really care is a start, that you listened to his words. Think about it, think about what he said before he left."
With those words of counsel, Ichigo thought about Byakuya's rare outburst, about the things he confessed in a moment of emotionally driven vulnerability. Ichigo couldn't give him his sight back, however that didn't mean he couldn't help him find different ways to see the same things..
"I got it!" Ichigo exclaimed, breaking the silence.
"I knew there wasn't just hot air in between those ears of your," the spirit quipped, patting his master on the back. Giving him a queer look, the spirit inquired, "I gotta ask, King, why are you trying so hard for this guy? Why do you care so much?"
Taken by the question, Ichigo put up a defensive glare. "What kind've question is that? I don't need a reason to care about a friend," he justified. "It's just who I am."
'But isn't this different, King?' the spirit thought to himself. "If you say so. Do you need any help with your plan?"
Ichigo took no time to shake his head no. "Go back to your inner world, this is something I can do on my own."
xXx
After meeting with the elders, a frustrated Byakuya was making his way back to his quarters with the aid of an attendant.
Much to his disappointment, the elders were being tenaciously resolute that they did not want Byakuya to slink away into isolation. It was their belief that just because his sight had been taken and his actions limited, that his savvy for leadership and his political know how would be integral to the months to come after the war.
This was just the senile obstinance of old men, Byakuya thought. He needed assistance to move from one room to the next. No matter how shrewd of a mind he may have, how would anyone take him seriously? In that regard, how would anyone take his clan seriously? He refused to be the reason his family's legacy was reduced to a laughing stock.
He flowed through the labyrinth of hallways at a torpid pace, allowing his movements to be guided by the attendant at his side.
A clan leader should not need a babysitter just to keep himself from running into walls.
Much to his dismay, Byakuya's thoughts lingered on Ichigo and the hints of sorrow Byakuya seemed to have left him with. Perhaps he had been too harsh, but as always, his draconian manner was not without cause. Therefore, he could not bring himself to regret it.
If Ichigo proved to hard headed to be sensible and leave him be, then Byakuya had no choice but to create that distance on his behalf.
Out of obligation and an almost compulsive desire to help everyone, Ichigo had developed some kind've misplaced care for the nobleman. One that would surely degrade into pity and disgrace once Ichigo realized the extent of the nobleman's impotency. Like always, the young man was acting without thought, not considering the consequences of his words or actions. With such a honorable heart, Ichigo would get stuck in this makeshift, fraudulent friendship, miserable in the forced company of Byakuya.
And even if a genuine care backed the headless actions of Ichigo's, than this was an even better impetus to build up these boundaries between the two. Friendship, affection, these were desires he'd long ago left to the wind, allowing them to be carried far away, sacrificed for the sake of his greater well being.
Even now, he'd lost the one person that he would've even consider a friend, the person who stood loyally by his side and he could not push away. The pain was undefinable and threatened to swallow him whole, once again reminding him of why he kept so few bonds. Not that he feared Ichigo dying, for that man was the only person he trusted not to die when all else did, but either way, all things beautiful were plucked away from Byakuya sooner than later.
His mother, father, grandfather, Hisana, quite a few friends from his younger days, and now Renji, it was as if to love Byakuya Kuchiki was to become cursed to death. It was as if this was his true essence. Sakura blossoms, the manifestation of his powers, symbolized the hopefulness of new life and the humbleness of death. So did this mean that the terms of his existence hinged on a perpetual cycle of hope and expectant death? Was the purpose of his life to simply endure death as the ones he cared for came and went like the seasons. Even sakura's, they bloomed suddenly and conceded to their mortality swiftly. Like people, their hopeful vivacity was short lived compared to the inevitable summation of their duration.
Only it was not death that brought about the greatest of pain, but hope. Death was honest, blatant in its ruthless lethality, while hope manipulated, flirted with the parts of your soul that still yearned for something more tangible. Hope was sly, convincing you that perhaps things would be different this time, even after you've experienced the same dismal pattern time and time again. Hope was the contender of good sense, the hay bringer of pain, the weapon of choice for masochist who wanted nothing but to want nothing. Despite his attempts to forgo hope, the cruel seductress always slithered it's way back in, finding the one crumb of his humanity that survived and fed off of it. Hope was like an infestation of vermin, finding a way into your house through a hidden hole in the ceiling. Hope was the only thing that never died.
Everyone lost people, but for very few did losing make up the fiber of their existence, and frankly, Byakuya was tired. The nobleman wished for the comforting embrace of death in the way a crying child wished for the embrace of their mother. It felt like a home he had never been too, a safety he would never know.
What a fantasy, a paradisiacal bliss, to slowly feel himself slip away. The numb prickling of his skin, the shallow thrum of his heartbeat, the vanishing of every painful memory, and lastly, the harmonic silence that rang loud and clear, these were steps to becoming nothing. Oh, and how wonderful did being nothing sound, what unobtainable peaceful. There was a reason Buddha preached that nothingness was where true tranquility lied, because personal sorrow knew no enemy like death.
He thought of this more frequently. Thoughts of the reshi that tethered together his entirety dispersing and creating new life that he would never be burdened to see crept upon him in his constant thoughts. Ichigo said he gave things life, but perhaps that was only because he was trying to drain himself of it, create something much more beautiful than himself.
However, he had too much pride and honor to fall on his own sword without a truly virtuous cause. Death was easy while living was hard, and he would not be a coward. More so, he was selfless to a fault, and his last act would not be one that was completely self serving.
Instead, he distanced himself from all those intimate connections that made life worth living, killing as much of himself as possible.
As he neared his quarters, the soft harmonies of music reached his ears, growing clearer with each step. When he reached the enclosure, Fujita switched out with the current attendant and took a place at her lord's side.
"Lord Kuchiki," she addressed, making her presence known.
Narrowing his brow in confusion, he asked, "Fujita-san, why is there music playing? Is this your doing?"
"Ah, I would never be so presumptuous, my Lord. No. This is the work of your house guest, Kurosaki-san." Sounding pleased, she recalled, "He asked me if we had a record player, and I told him that I believed we had one stored away with all the other items that never see the light of day. He went rummaging for it for quite sometime. When I asked him why, he said he wanted you to realize you can see beautiful things even without your vision."
Staggered he was at the gesture, Byakuya stood quietly considering his words. "Fool," he proclaimed, trying to ignore the way his heart seemed to thrum over the music, filling his whole cavity.
Smiling, Fujita nodded.. "Quite. But sometimes it takes a fool to do the impossible." Gesturing a hand out, she suggested, "Now come my Lord, sit and I shall prepare you some tea."
Doing so, he soon found himself knelt down in the company of himself and the melodic tune. He closed his eyes and allowed the sound to fill him, a beautiful requiem packed with calming wind pipes and the songs of nature, like free falling water and the rustling of leaves. In his mind, he painted a picture of scenic waterfalls gushing over quaint landscapes and striking trees swaying in a flurry of sweet smelling air. For a moment, his mind's troubled inclination was distracted, breached by pleasurable images. Ichigo had given him an escape from this maddening darkness, from himself and the truth of his reality. More importantly, he'd given him beauty while also trying to bestow the man with a new perspective. There was also one more thing that Ichigo gifted to him.
Sighing, he thought, 'Why must you make me hope for things, Ichigo?'
xXx
Anonymous Crew: Oh you'll defiantly get plenty of juicy Byaichi banter in this story. It's my favorite part to write about them. Yeah, I'm evil and I like making the readers wait a really long time for the good stuff. So strap in tight, my loves. Ichigo will have his breaking points, but it wouldn't be too fun if I told ya'll how Byakuya handles it, now would it? ;) Thanks for the review! ~ Ashes.
LustfulAvarices: Thanks for always reviewing. It keeps my spirits up. Yeahhhh, I'd consider keeping a box of tissues on you for this one. My stories are always pretty sad to a point, but this one takes the cake. I'm glad I can make you cry though, and I mean that in a totally not evil, sweet way. lol. ~Ashes.
Dust-of-Moon: I'm glad to hear you like Byakuya's and Ichigo's character and find them believable. Ichigo is pretty hard to write for because, one, he has such a dynamic personality, that you could take his character so many ways, and two, since he's the main character, I think people just expect more of him. But I'm pretty happy about the way he comes across. Thanks for the review! ~Ashes.
Tifanny91: As always, I really look forward to your comments. Us fangirls love anyone who's into their story enough to take the time to write anything at all, so getting something more detailed is always a great feeling. You're totally right, it would have caused a love triangle, and honestly, I'm not the type to pit characters like these against each other like that. It just doesn't fit their characterization. I see stories all the time that involve one of the three being jealous and vindictive towards the other, and I just don't buy it. Like, Ichigo and Renji are bros and would probably both ignore their feelings or try to deny them if they knew the other was in love with Byakuya too. Plus, I just didn't want this story to be about that. I'm sure the fan girls would've loved a little bit of drama, but it would've just made me sad. Ichigo will support Byakuya's freedoms more than anyone else in this story, because he just gets it, and honestly, it's who Ichigo is. Byakuya is pretty stubborn towards it, because come on, Bya is just as stubborn as Ichigo is, but it does mean a lot to him. The best way I can describe their relationship is Ichigo becomes Byakuya's storm(force of nature) and Byakuya becomes Ichigo's shelter. Their both exactly what the other needs and wants in a romantic partner, though it takes a while to figure it out. There are many small moments in this story that will bring them closer and closer to each other and to realizing how they fell, but geez, I'm the writer, and I already think it's going to be too long.(I'm also an impatient fan girl who's out of good ByaIchi fics to read) Thanks as always, love. ~ Ashes.
Hakuteiken: Thank's love, I'm glad you've enjoyed it and I hope to see you review again! ~ Ashes.