July 1974
Sirius was sitting lying alone on his bed. The following summer Mrs. Potter had enchanted his bedroom ceiling to look like the night sky. He had always loved it, but he had never looked at it as carefully as he had in the past forty minutes. He had counted the stars now; there were nine hundred and seven of them. He couldn't help but like that it was an odd number. He liked that it wasn't quite uniform. He always tended to like things that didn't even out perfectly.
The counting had helped him calm his guilt as well. A year ago he would have been filled with fear but today fear was not an emotion in his body. A lot had happened in the past year and he knew his place. He knew that he wasn't going to be thrown out. He knew that he wasn't going to be beaten until he was hunched over in pain praying to die. He did know that he was in trouble though. He knew that he had saddened the family that he had grown to love and that hurt more than any punishment he was going to receive.
Sirius wasn't sure how he ended up where he had. The day had started out nicely. He and James had eaten breakfast with James' parents before heading to Diagon Alley with his mum for the day. He didn't know why he did it. He knew that if he had asked for the book she would have bought it for him. It just seemed so easy to slip it under his shirt and walk out of the shop with it.
He hadn't even told James which was especially unusual. Whenever one of them had an idea for an action that was a blatant disregard of the rules, they always discussed it first. They were always united on this misbehavior. They would agree on it beforehand knowing very well what would happen if they were caught but they would go into as one – almost like brothers.
This time was so very different.
Sirius hadn't missed the look of shock and disapproval in James' eyes hours after they had returned home and the book had been discovered. That look had hurt almost as bad the one Mrs. Potter had on her face when she sent him to his room. He had never seen her look so disappointed and it hurt him that he was the one responsible for causing her to look that way.
She had almost sounded sad when she had sent him to his room. James, despite the fact that moments earlier had looked as though he wanted to scold him, had given him a look of sympathy. It hadn't surprised Sirius. It was who James was. Despite the fact that he was shocked that his friend had stolen something, he still didn't want him to be in trouble for it. Sirius was sure that he could murder someone right in front of James and his best mate would still somehow find a way to stick up for him and make it seem like he hadn't done any wrong.
Sirius wasn't completely out of touch with his own feelings. Deep down he knew why he had taken the book, even if he couldn't admit it to himself just yet. He had never disobeyed the Potters without James by his side. He had been a bit cheeky at times and had been lightly scolded. There had also been the one time that he had wandered off on his own in London causing Mrs. Potter to nearly weep in fear. When he had been found he had quickly explained that he had seen something interesting and had just walked off to get a better look. He had received exactly one hard swat to his jean clad backside and the lecture of a lifetime. Somehow he was sure that had it been James that had wandered off the consequences would have been different – worse.
That was why he had stolen the book. He had to see. He had to know what would happen if he did something so completely wrong that there was no excuse for it. He had to know if he really was James' equal. For months now he had cared for Mr. and Mrs. Potter as if they were really his parents; he had to know if they cared for him like a real son.
He wasn't sure what he would do if they didn't. If Mr. Potter excused his actions today and let him off with a stern lecture and an earlier bedtime. He couldn't stay – he knew that much. It would break his heart into a million pieces but if they didn't feel the same way he did he couldn't stay and try to force them to.
He looked up at his ceiling as a comet sped across it.
The soft knock on his bedroom door pulled him from his thoughts and he quickly sat up. He could feel his heart beating loudly in his ears. He felt as though his entire future was resting on the next minutes of his life.
He watched as the door slowly opened to reveal Mr. Potter. His face was somber but kind. Sirius often wondered how the man managed to keep the kind features of his complexion regardless of how he was feeling. He hoped that it was a trait that could be learned and not one that you had to be lucky enough to be born with.
Mr. Potter crossed the room silently.
Sirius watched as he took hold of the desk chair and spun it around to face the bed. He watched as Mr. Potter slowly sat down in the chair and rested his elbows on his knees, leaning forward.
"Thievery?"
The word and the tone in which it was said cut like a knife through Sirius; Mr. Potter's voice was a mixture of sadness and sternness.
Sirius shrugged softly as he looked down at his hands.
"A shrug isn't even close to an acceptable answer," Mr. Potter replied in a stern voice. "Have you any idea how humorless what you have done is? There is absolutely no excuse for taking something that does not belong to you."
"I'm sorry," Sirius offered the words in a small voice. He was sure he had never felt so ashamed of himself.
"If you wanted the book you could have asked for it, surely you know that." Mr. Potter was having a hard time trying to rationalize why exactly the child sitting before him had stolen. Sirius had come a long way since he had come to stay with him. The boy who was once so afraid to ask for anything now understood that asking was not a crime. Sirius was also aware that Mrs. Potter rarely said no to the boys. If they wanted something, they usually got it.
Sirius nodded at the words. He did know it. He was often amazed at how easily Mrs. Potter bought them treats; half the time all he had to do was look at something in a store and moments later it was in her trolley.
'Spoiled but not brats' was how she would rationalize her actions.
"Then why did you steal it?" Mr. Potter asked.
Sirius could hear the urgency in the man's voice. It was as if he was looking for any reasonable excuse for his actions.
"I guess I just wanted it and I didn't want to ask," Sirius tried to explain his actions. He knew that it was a pitiful excuse but he didn't have another one. He couldn't tell him that he did it to see if he would care enough to correct him. He couldn't say that he had stolen to see if he was really part of the family or just James' friend that stayed with them. He wanted to but he couldn't. He was sure that if he did he would just die from embarrassment.
"I want to explain something to you about stealing," Mr. Potter said in a somber voice. He waited until Sirius nodded in agreement before he continued. "Stealing is easily the root of any crime you can commit. If you cheat on a test you are stealing someone's good mark, if you lie you are stealing someone's right to the truth, and if you kill someone, you are stealing their life. Stealing is never acceptable and is an especially severe offense in this house."
Sirius digested these words before he softly cleared his throat. "I'm sorry."
"Being sorry for your actions is wonderful however it is not enough in this case," Mr. Potter replied sadly. "I care for you deeply and I would not be a doing my job as a father if you were not punished for what you have done." He paused for a moment as he sat up straighter. He waved a hand beckoning Sirius off the bed. "Come here please."
Instantly Sirius obeyed sliding off the side of the bed and taking the two steps to Mr. Potter's side. His insides had swelled at the man's use of the title of father. Maybe he had been silly to ever doubt his place.
As he always did when he had to punish one of the boys, he quickly waved his hand casting a silencing spell on the room. Despite the fact that he was sure James knew exactly what was taking place behind the closed door he didn't feel that allowing James to hear it was fair.
Mr. Potter reached out and quickly undid the button on Sirius' jeans before pushing them down to the boy's knees. He didn't miss the look of sorrow on Sirius' face as he did so. He had never punished Sirius quite exactly as he did James, but if there was ever a time to make sure the child knew exactly how wrong what he had done was this was it.
Mr. Potter leaned forward as he reached around into his back pocket and retrieved an old worn leather slipper. He hadn't slipped it onto his foot in years, these days it had a different use in the Potter household.
Before the boy could panic too much about his fate Mr. Potter quickly and gently guided Sirius over his lap. His fingers hooked the waistband of Sirius' briefs and he swiftly peeled them down as far as they needed to go.
"I want you to know that I love you Sirius but today you've disappointed me."
The words were like a punch in the gut to Sirius. He didn't bother to stop the tears that started falling from his eyes instead he hid his face in the nook of his elbow.
Mr. Potter raised the slipper above his head and brought it down smartly on the small backside. He watched as a pink splotch appeared.
He was not a man that enjoyed disciplining his boys. He would have much rather to share a few soft words with Sirius about the wrongs of stealing and then taken him out for some ice cream. He knew that doing so could likely be disastrous though. He would not be around forever. There would come a time when he would not be there to pick up the pieces when they made mistakes and he wanted to make sure that he instilled in them the correct morals. He wanted to make sure he was raising two upstanding citizens, not spoiled brats that thought that they could act however they pleased without any consequences.
When the slipper fell for the tenth time Sirius cried out loudly promising to behave. Mr. Potter brought his arm down twice more before he tossed the slipper onto the bed and gently began rubbing the boy's back.
Unlike James who would stay sprawled out across his lap for ages after being punished Sirius was on his feet in seconds.
Mr. Potter almost expected to get the cold shoulder. After all it had been the hardest punishment he had doled out to the boy yet. He almost expected Sirius to refuse a hug or to give him the silent treatment for a while.
He was pleased to find that he couldn't have been more wrong.
The moment Sirius was on his feet he reached down and quickly pulled his briefs and jeans back up where they belonged before falling into Mr. Potter's arms.
"I'm sorry," he sobbed. His bum was aching, but the feeling that he had disappointed the man that he had grown to love like a father hurt much more.
"Alright Love," Mr. Potter said softly as he enclosed the child in his embrace. "It's over now."
Sirius could feel Mr. Potter's heart beating against his cheek. Never in his life had he felt more like he was where he belonged. He was so pleased to find that he had been wrong. The Potters did care for him as if he were their own.
"I have to tell you something," Sirius practically whispered. He almost wished that Mr. Potter wouldn't hear him. That he could have another moment to think before he confessed to being so utterly stupid.
"What's that?" Mr. Potter asked kindly as he gently rubbed the boy's back.
Sirius closed his eyes tightly. His face was still buried in Mr. Potter's white work shirt but he was sure that with his eyes open his embarrassment would be somehow worse.
"I took the book to see if you would care," Sirius confessed softly. He slowly opened his eyes as the last syllable left his mouth.
Mr. Potter gently pulled the child away from him looking into his eyes. "To see if I would care?" He questioned. "Why on Earth wouldn't I care?"
Sirius shrugged as he brushed the tears off of his cheek with the back of his right hand. "I thought you wouldn't because I'm not your son."
"Oh Sirius," Mr. Potter said sadly. Gently he pulled the boy up onto his lap, careful to be kind as to where he positioned his bum. "We love you, you know that don't you?"
Sirius nodded softly as he worked to get his tears under control. He absolutely hated crying but perhaps more than that he hated that when he did so it always took him ages to stop.
"You are so very important to us - you are our son in every way aside from the one that does not really matter," Mr. Potter said gently. "If that wasn't true we wouldn't be sitting here right now. I certainly wouldn't waste my time and energy punishing and correcting a child that I did not care deeply for."
Sirius nodded as he digested these words. "I'll never steal again," he finally replied.
"See to it that you don't," Mr. Potter nodded as he held the boy's gaze. "More importantly than that see to it that you don't doubt the feelings we have for you. I do consider you my son Sirius, as does my wife and I know James considers you a brother. Never forget that okay?"
Sirius had just gotten his tears under control as his eyes quickly filled up once more. "Okay," he replied in a hoarse voice.
"Tomorrow we will take the book back to the store and you will apologize to the store's owner," Mr. Potter instructed.
Sirius looked up at him with a worried face. He was sure that doing so would be disastrous. What if the man decided to call the Ministry? What if he ended up in even more trouble?
"It will be fine," Mr. Potter promised. "They will be pleased that you are doing the right thing. You will see."
"Okay," Sirius agreed in a small voice.
"A rest before supper?" Mr. Potter asked. Sirius knew his tone though it was not a question but rather a request. It was the normal act after a punishment. Sirius quite liked it; his own parents would have thrown him into a wall making him stand in a corner for hours or ordered him to scrub something clean.
Sirius nodded in agreement as he allowed Mr. Potter to help him into his bed and under the covers.
"Can you send James in?" Sirius asked. He had never asked for anything so soon after being punished and he hoped that he wasn't crossing a line.
Mr. Potter leaned over and placed a gentle kiss on the boy's forehead. "I can do that," he said in a kind voice.
Sirius watched as Mr. Potter picked up the slipper and shoved it back into his back pocket. In one quick movement he returned the desk chair to its rightful place.
"Mr. Potter?" Sirius said before he could stop himself.
Mr. Potter turned around. "Hmmm?"
"I really am sorry for what I did and I'm sorry I disappointed you."
Mr. Potter smiled softly at the words. "You are so very forgiven Love, as you always will be."
Sirius breathed a sigh of relief at the words.
With a wave of his hand, the silencing charm was removed before Mr. Potter exited the room.
Sirius heard the door down the hall close loudly and then the footsteps thunder down the hallway.
His own bedroom door flew open to reveal James; his face a sea of concern.
He closed the bedroom door behind him and hurried across the room and onto Sirius' bed.
James frowned deeply at Sirius' tear stained face. "He was angry huh?" James asked the obvious.
"Yeah," Sirius nodded, "very."
"It wasn't even that big of a deal," James said. "So you stole a book? It didn't even cost that much."
"It was a big deal," Sirius argued. It was just like James to stick up for his actions despite how wrong they were. "You know it was. Stop acting like it wasn't."
"Okay it was," James agreed. "It was real stupid actually."
Sirius chuckled softly at these words. "You're a git."
James rolled his eyes playfully before growing somber once more. "Did you get walloped?"
Sirius felt his cheeks grow warm at the embarrassment of James' question. He knew his friend knew the answer. He nodded slowly, "Yeah I did."
"Why'd you even do it?" James asked in a curious voice. "You had to know you'd get in trouble if you got caught."
Sirius shrugged and then quickly thought better of it. James was as good as a brother to him. He trusted him in ways that he had never trusted anyone else in his life. If there was anyone he could be honest with it was James. "I wanted to see if I would get punished."
James eyes nearly bugged out of his head. "You're barmy!"
"I guess I wanted to see if they would treat me like I'm their real kid and not just your friend," Sirius tried to explain his actions better.
A look of concern swept over James' face. "Of course they love you like their real kid Siri. Dad looked like he hated punishing you and mum is already making your favorite dessert to cheer you up. They love you a lot."
"I had to be sure," Sirius tried to justify his actions.
"Are you sure now?" James couldn't help but ask.
Sirius nodded quietly.
"Good because I don't like you getting into trouble without me. It was no fun sitting around alone waiting."
Sirius rolled his eyes at the words. It was just like James to come up with the most ridiculous reason to stay out of trouble.
"Do you have to rest before dinner?" James asked. He was sure he already knew the answer. It wasn't part of the punishment necessarily, but it was definitely something his parents preferred them to do.
Sirius nodded. "Yeah."
James sighed softly as he lay down in the bed next to Sirius. "I'll rest with you for a bit, I don't mind.
Sirius smiled widely to himself as James made himself comfortable. It was just like James to make him feel a million times better with the littlest action.
TBC...