A/N #1: DON'T HATE ME!
Chapter Sixteen – The Black Hole
Lexa
Lexa was forced to get up and actually go to practice the next morning. Beca had told her she needed to stay home until she got her emotions under control. Lexa hasn't cried since her parents died and Beca knew that and was scared. Lexa only told her that she had to go, it wasn't about herself it was about her team. Once they started playing the only thing that mattered was that they worked together as a unit. Their individual selves didn't matter. She was going to be late though, she didn't sleep well or at all really. She spent the better part of the night sobbing into Beca then forcing herself off of her sister because she was in her own state of unrest with her own break up. It would happen this way, they would have started dating the same night only to break up on the same night as well. Eventually Lexa forced herself into her own bed and watched as Beca finally fell asleep. She stayed awake battling with herself over the things that Raven and Octavia had told her. She fucked up, she knew that, but did they really not believe her?
She strode into the locker room thankful that it was empty, she didn't want to face Monroe who had undoubtable seen Clarke's state last night or Anya who had probably dealt with a distraught Raven all night long. Plus if she ever saw Luna again it would be too soon. She quickly changed into her practice uniform and headed toward the field with her bag. On her way out she caught herself in the mirror, her eyes were rimmed red and rubbed raw, her left cheek was tinted purple near her eye and the line of her jaw, and her green eyes were lacking their luster not even the jersey was helping that. She looked like she felt, broken and worthless.
She made her way to the field hearing her teammates talk excitedly about their upcoming Spring Break plans. She threw her things down in the dugout and took her glove in hand while heading onto the dirt. "Hey Lexa!" Samm shouted over to her, even without looking up Lexa knew she was waving her over to warm up with her. She just kept walking toward the sound knowing most of the girls had stopped and were looking her way (there was distinctively less sounds of balls hitting gloves). She kept going until they all stopped and she knew they were looking toward her. "Lexa? Dude, are you okay?" Samm was closer now, not more than five steps in front of her with nothing but concern in her voice. So Lexa looked up.
There was a collective gasp amongst the team, even the coach gasped. She locked eyes with Samm first who looked about ready to beat the shit out of whoever did that to Lexa, then she caught Monroe who look so scared like she was going to get the wrath because she was at the house, and Anya who was wearing a guilt ridden expression covered in sorrow there was no denying she knew Raven hit her. She locked with each of her teammates seeing most of the same things; shock, anger, empath, worry, and concern. Then at the back of the pack trying to hide behind Kayla (not the best choice seeing as though the girl was only five feet tall) was Luna.
And that was all it took for Lexa to snap completely.
She had held it in all night long, feeling sorry and guilty that she hurt Clarke when in reality it wasn't her fault at all. It was Luna's!
Lexa dropped her glove and started storming over to her, as Samm reached to stop her Lexa shoved her with one arm out of her path and took off in a sprint screaming at the top of her lungs.
"YOU FUCKING BITCH! HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR SORRY FUCKING FACE HERE!" The team was parting for her to storm through, only two of them knowing what had happened.
"Lexa stop!" She didn't know who said it and she didn't care, she could hardly hear them, they could have been miles away. Lexa was gone, she had snapped and she wasn't coming back anytime soon. She threw herself at Luna who had started to run away, slow ass mother fucker! Lexa thought. She flipped Luna onto her back and sat on her so she couldn't move. She fisted her hands into her jersey and lifted her head up off the ground.
"YOU RUINED MY FUCKING LIFE!" She threw a punch and connected with her face. "CLARKE SAW WHAT YOU DID AND NOW SHE THINKS I'VE BEEN CHEATING ON HER!" Another punch this time with the other hand. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU TOOK AWAY THE ONE THING THAT TRULY MADE ME HAPPY! I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!" Lexa released her jersey with a forceful push of her hands sending her head into the ground. Lexa started punching again this time she felt a crunch when she connected with her nose, it was broken. Lexa was screaming and grunting in anger and she couldn't be sure but she thought more tears were now falling down her face.
Two sets of arms circled around her own then and pulled back trying to get her off of Luna. She fought against them and sent one of her teammates tumbling down to the ground, but not hard enough to hurt them. She looked to the other side to see Samm holding fast, she couldn't shake her off. Monroe latched onto her other arm while she was looking at Samm and together they forced her onto her back off of Luna. Anya was instantly sitting on her legs holding her down.
"Lexa calm the fuck down!" Anya had her hands holding either side of her face forcing her to look at her. "Deep breaths, Lexa. Once you calm down and Luna is gone we will let you up." Lexa shook her head free of Anya's grasp and saw Samm and Monroe laying across her arms to keep her on the ground. Their eyes were filled with concern only, they weren't scared of her, only for her. Just like Clarke had been.
Clarke.
She started to cry again and it was just too much, she couldn't do this here. Not in front of these people. She clamped her eyes shut and forced herself not to let the sobs out that rocked her chest. "It's okay Lexa, we won't let them see. Try to breathe deeply." Samm was nothing but soothing in her speech.
"What in the hell is going on here?" Coach was now in the middle of the group. Lexa opened her eyes to look over Anya's shoulder at the remaining members of her team. Luna was now sitting on the ground with her hands covering her face, blood streaking through her fingers. One of the girls threw a towel toward her but didn't go over to help her. Coach was flicking her eyes between Lexa and Luna. "Someone explain before they both get kicked out…"
"Luna kissed Lexa last night and Clarke, Lexa's girlfriend, saw the whole thing." Monroe spoke from beside Lexa.
"Now Clarke has it in her head that Lexa has been cheating on her with Luna for some time because she is always at practices late and Luna wouldn't stop hitting on her even when Lexa asked her to." Anya continued. "Clarke won't speak to her and none of Clarke's friends believe Lexa about what happened." Coach was quiet for a moment her eyes still flicking back and forth, Lexa dropped her head back onto the ground and sighed. Now everyone knows and I'm going to lose my spot on the team and my scholarship. Lexa felt the sting behind her eyes again and clamped them shut and started hitting her head against the ground repeatedly. She should have kept her composure, all it will take is for Luna to say she is lying and it is all over.
"Luna is that what happened?" Lexa's eyes flew open, here it comes. "Did you kiss Lexa without her permission?" Coach was eerily calm in this whole thing and one of her players beat another into a bloody mess.
"Yes. I didn't know that Clarke was watching." Luna's answer was muffled and nasally.
"Would that have changed anything?" Damn Coach was good at this.
"No." Luna answered and again the whole team gasped.
"Very well. Go change and leave all of your supplied gear, you are no longer a member of this team. I should have listened to the rest of the girls early on in the season but Lexa was the one who said to keep you on and she would try and help you learn. Don't even think about fighting this, the Dean will hear about it and so will my friends at the police station if you try and sue for assault. Get lost." That was one of the last things that Lexa expected to hear. She stopped banging her head and her breathing evened out, but she needed to leave. It was over and now she was fading fast, the last thing she wanted to do was lose all control right after everyone watched her snap.
"Anya," Lexa whispered from below her, "let me go, please. I can't be here. I need to go." Anya looked to Samm and Monroe who released her arms, instinctively she wrapped them around herself trying to keep her emotions in place for now. Anya rolled off of her and as soon as she did Lexa was up in a flash and running full speed across the field toward her dorm.
She didn't stop when she heard the shout of her team or her coach, she didn't stop when she remembered she left her bag behind, she didn't stop when she looked down and saw she was still in uniform. She just kept running until she was safely in her dorm room (thankfully alone) and she kicked her shoes off and stripped down to her sports bra and threw on a pair of shorts before crawling onto her bed and lying on her side with her knees to her chest. She didn't cry, she couldn't, she just silently slipped into the black hole of nothing that she felt after her parents died. Only this time she didn't know if she could ever be taken out.
Sunday – Clarke is gone. I need to get her back.
Monday – Clarke is gone. I can't get her back.
Tuesday – Clarke is gone. I won't get her back.
Wednesday – Clarke is gone. I might get her back.
Thursday – Clarke is gone. I have to get her back.
Friday – Clarke is gone. I WILL get her back.
Clarke
Clarke had stayed at the SZP house in fear that Lexa would be waiting outside her dorm to talk to her. Also she really didn't want Kimmy Jin's hateful mood at the moment. She would go back tonight after Kimmy Jin had left for her trip with the other Korean kids. She felt like going home but then her mom would ask questions and she really didn't want to think about it anymore. Raven and Octavia had told her about the interaction with Lexa on the porch last night, she didn't know what to believe anymore. She was grateful that her friends defended her like they said they always would, but that small part of her still thought Lexa wasn't the one to be a cheater. Then Niylah's words ran through her head again.
I told you she was cheating on you with that pitcher. Why else do you think she spends so much time at softball practice? Monroe is always saying how she is defending her to their coach. She doesn't deserve you Clarke, you should hold out for someone better. I told you she was cheating on you.
For months Niylah had been sprouting those things off, ever since their first time she met Lexa. It only got worse after they ran into each other in the club. Lexa always gave everyone the benefit of the doubt but even Clarke's first reaction to Luna had been that she wanted nothing more than to take Lexa away from her.
She had woken up before most of the house that next morning, only passing Monroe in the kitchen drinking a cup of coffee with her softball bag sitting on the counter. All of the sorority sisters (and Raven and Maya) stayed together last night to be with Clarke. Upon seeing her enter the kitchen Monroe threw the bag back by the door trying to keep it out of Clarke's sight. Too late.
"It's okay Zoe." Clarke hardly ever used her first name, unless it was something serious. "I know you have to go. I'll be fine, just let me know if she is taking it how she should be." Clarke was desperate to know how Lexa was today. She hated herself for feeling this way but she needed to know the truth. Was Lexa really taken advantage of? Was the whole thing just a big lie? Monroe only nodded and finished off her mug before shooting her a sad smile and slipping out the back door.
Clarke spent the day sitting on the couch protectively between Octavia and Raven. They were watching – correction – attempting to watch movies but every time it came to the big love scene or even remotely close to some couple shit, Clarke started to cry. They instantly changed whatever was on but it was the same go around every single time. Clarke made it through the first movie until they got to the big romantic gesture when the guy wins the girl back and Clarke lost it. Now they couldn't even get close. They even tried horror movies upon Raven's request but of course there was always a couple that tried to die for one another and it always hits you right in the feels no matter what. God DISNEY couldn't even cure her shit!
Eventually they settled on reality game shows (mostly Wipeout because who didn't laugh at people falling into mud in spectacular fashion) and things seemed to even out a little. Then someone would be fucking badass on an obstacle and Clarke would think of how well Lexa would have done that and they started over again. She had thought that by now she wouldn't be able to cry any more but the whole in her chest just kept getting bigger with each thought that Lexa wouldn't be coming back.
Soon enough the front door opened and Monroe came in followed by Anya. Raven had called her last night to relieve some of her anger and give her a heads up before her practice this morning as well. As soon as Clarke's eyes locked with Monroe's she knew they had something important to say. Raven had stood and walked to stand with Anya trying to kiss her but she dodged it.
"Anya what is wrong?" Raven asked as she eyed her girlfriend and Monroe over her shoulder. "What happened?"
"Which one of you hit her?" Anya looked between Raven and Octavia. They avoided the eye contact. "ANSWER ME!" Clarke had never heard Anya get this way, clearly something big happened at that practice.
"Both of us." Raven sounded as scared at Clarke felt. Anya locked her eyes onto Raven's. Clarke's mouth dropped in horror. She had no clue her friends had laid hands on Lexa last night.
"I'm guessing you're the one who gave her the shiner and the black cheek then." Raven staggered backwards from Anya. "I'm guess you went for something more personal." She looked down at Octavia still on the couch next to Clarke. "I'm guessing her ribs from her lacrosse injury?" Octavia instantly dropped her gaze to her hands that were picking at the couch cushion. Clarke was still sitting in shock of what her friends had done. Lexa didn't deserve that, did she? The most they did to Finn for what he had done was screw with his car and make his room smell like ass. They had never physically harmed anyone that she knew of.
"Yeah she looked like utter shit, Clarke." Monroe had been watching her this whole time. "Her eyes were bloodshot and raw, the side of her face was bruised, she was guarding her ribs, and her eyes didn't even look green with her jersey on. Then when she saw Luna all hell broke loose." Monroe set her bag down and closed the door. She and Anya moved into the room and sat on the fireplace hearth directing across from where Clarke was on the couch.
Part of her wanted to hear this, part of her didn't, part of her wanted to kick the shit out of her best friends for being stupid, and the last part wanted to go to Lexa and apologize for everything and beg her to take her back. But Clarke was not that weak.
"Lexa snapped and started beating Luna to a pulp, shouting how she ruined her life and she would never forgive her for what she did." Anya started. "After what you told me Rae I didn't expect anything like that, it was terrifying but you couldn't look away."
"It took four of us just to get her off of Luna and make her stop." Monroe continued the tale. "Anya had to literally sit on her so she would stop fighting back. Three of us were holding her down but she had already broken Luna's nose." Clarke knew what they were talking about when they said Lexa snapped. She had seen that herself when they were at Regionals with the Bellas. The only thing that made her stop was the sound of a cop coming for her.
"Well was it true?" Octavia asked after a long pause. "What she said about Luna. Was it true?" Monroe and Anya shared a look and Monroe nodded for Anya to go ahead.
"Yeah, Luna confessed and was kicked off the team. Lexa was let off and as soon as I was off of her she took off toward her dorm at full speed, and you know no one can keep up with her. Samm went to take her stuff back to her after practice ended." Anya told true and Clarke felt her heart actually break, she hadn't trusted that Lexa was telling the truth. She believed those lies that she was being told, she betrayed the one thing that Lexa had given to her. "We basically spent practice watching the security video of the Complex from the night before and confirmed the whole story that Lexa gave to O and Rae. Luna even stayed there for about twenty-five minutes after she left."
"The times match up and everything too." Monroe added so they wouldn't think that Lexa set the whole thing up. "I'm sorry that I have to be the one to say this but, Octavia what you and Raven did last night was wrong. There was no reason to physically harm her, you could have let her speak her peace and then waited to find out if it was at least true or not." Just then Anya's phone went off.
"That was Samm, Lexa won't open the door to her dorm. She can hear her inside but she won't answer her at all. Not her text, calls, or anything. She is waiting outside until Beca gets back." Anya looked at Clarke then. She knew she saw the look of pure failure that was written on Clarke's face. "What do you know that you aren't telling us Clarke?"
She was caught and there was no way out. "She has done this before, after her parents died." There were more than a few shocked faces, Clarke was forced to recount the tale of Lexa's past and how Beca came to be her sister. "After they died Beca said she went into an almost comatose state. She would do things that were absolutely necessary but she wouldn't speak, didn't really sleep, and spent the majority of the time crying. Lexa referred to it as The Black Hole." Clarke was starting to silently cry again, she couldn't have possibly put Lexa back there could she?
"She started to cry more than once at practice but only us and Samm saw her." Monroe added almost so quiet that they didn't catch it. That was enough to send Clarke over the edge, girls tried to calm her down and get her to breathe right again but she just couldn't.
"You guys don't understand! The last time Lexa actually cried was when she was in the Hole! I put her back there! She will never forgive me for this!" Clarke felt suffocated, she couldn't be around everyone right now, she needed to be alone. She looked at her dad's old watch that was always around her wrist, 1:00 pm. Kimmy was gone now, Clarke took off for her dorm shouting at everyone to leave her alone and let her think for a day. She knew Raven and Octavia followed because as she shut her door and locked it she heard voices on the other side of the door.
"Raven, you and I will be having a talk about what you did to Lexa. I'm not happy about it. I'm sorry but she was my friend before I even knew you." Anya sounded disappointed. "The both of you need to find a way to apologize for what you did as well. I'm shocked Beca hasn't found you both yet, but I'm guessing Lexa took the blows like she deserved them and didn't tell Beca how they came about." There were muttered answers before she heard footstep falling away from her door. "I'll call you later Rae, think about it you guys."
"She is right Rae. We seriously fucked up." Octavia sighed out.
"I know. Griff almost flipped her shit and she had every right too." Raven was finally making sense. "Clarke if you can hear us," her voice was right next to the door now. "Call us if you need anything, we are sorry for what we did and we will fix it. We promise."
Clarke didn't know if she believed them.
Beca
Beca hated this Lexa. Well she never really hated Lexa but she hated that she felt this way. That first day after she came back from her practice and fell into the Hole was the easiest. Beca had gone to get her keys to the radio station from Luke and when she got back she found Samm sitting with her back against their door. Samm recounted the events of their practice and told her why she was there. Beca took Lexa's things and hurried to send Samm away because she knew Lexa would never want to be seen in this state.
She opened the door to find Lexa in the same position she had been when she got released from the hospital when she was fourteen. Beca panicked. Lexa wouldn't speak, wouldn't make eye contact, wouldn't even move no matter what Beca did. Last time it took three months for her to pull her from that Black Hole. By the second day Beca was pissed, she was hurting as well and all she wanted was for Lexa to tell her everything would be okay. She desperately missed Chloe, the texts were still coming frequently but she couldn't bring herself to answer any of them. She had though broken down this morning and read them. They were mostly saying that she was sorry, and she should have defended her, and that she understood why Beca was angry. There were even messages from the others wishing her happy spring break and good luck on her shifts in the station and that they would be listening.
God she missed them! Why the fuck did she miss them? Beca had never needed anyone besides Lexa in her past, she would always have Lexa. Though right now she really didn't, did she? Lexa was broken just as she had been when her parents died. Clarke was so important to Lexa and Beca knew because she had watched her sister cry over and over because of Clarke. Lexa wasn't able to cry since her parents died, nothing made her that sad anymore. Nothing until Clarke that is. The silence was killing their relationship. Beca decided to still speak to Lexa even if she acted as though she heard nothing, for some reason it helped get the thoughts in her head into a straight line.
Though before she left for her shift that night she found herself begging a catatonic Lexa to tell her what Chloe had said after semis. She desperately needed to know. Whatever she said was enough to keep Lexa at bay, so it had to have been honest. She couldn't take it anymore! She needed to know everything, she needed to hear Chloe say she was sorry, she needed to see the tears cling to the corners of sky blue eyes, and she needed to feel her body in her arms again. That was what she was thinking about as she set up for her next playlist to run its course over the campus radio station air waves. After introducing the next set she let the headphones drop around her neck as she slumped back in the chair with a sigh. How did my life get here so fast?
A knock on the window caused her to jump out of her seat. She looked out into the (supposed to be empty) station and saw Jesse standing there with that stupid ass grin holding a Capri-sun pouch in one hand and a bag from Taco Bell in the other. He crossed to open the door and make his way in the booth. "Freshmen aren't allowed…"
"Save it Bec. Luke is not here and your sad sorrowful mixes are ruining my night." Jesse didn't fuck around. He took the headphones from around her neck and checked her line up before pulling her out of the booth and toward the couch that had been carefully hidden on the loft on the station. There was the running joke between the two that it had been bought so Luke didn't have to keep burning desks. He shoved tacos in her face and didn't say another word until she had eaten two at least. "Now spill starting with what the hell happened at semis."
Beca recounted the fight and why she had stormed off, she didn't beat around the bush about Chloe either. Jesse had always been supportive of their relationship and was only slightly disappointed that he had no shot with Beca as long as Chloe existed in the world. He quickly took his role as the male best friend (cough, lesbro, cough) with stride though. She launched right in to what happened with Lexa and how she didn't really know what to do about which thing first. "It is just all too much too fast."
"Sounds to me like you really need to have a talk with Chlo. I know why you are mad but you tend to push people away when they get too close to you Bec. The only one you haven't really pushed away is Lexa and I'm pretty sure that is because she has always been there for you and because you both have been through some of the same shit." Jesse basically hit the nail on the head there. "I know that is why you don't tell me much of anything, hell I was shocked when you actually told me you were secretly dating Chloe behind Aubrey's back."
"Yeah thanks for almost giving that away at semis by the way!" She bumped his shoulder with her own.
"You guys said you were coming out that night anyway! I figured that was when it was happening!"
"Guess it will never happen now." Beca dropped her gaze down to the taco resting in her lap no longer hungry.
"Like I said, Bec. You need to go talk to Chlo, let her explain. She was probably scared that Aubrey would literally blow up if she didn't take her side right then. Shit, I was fucking terrified that she was going to rip my head right of my perfectly broad shoulders when I spoke. You need to give her a chance to explain Beca before just casting her out of your life. I may not have known you for very long but you need people more than you think, and you definitely need that redhead!" Jesse put on his serious face and put his arm around her shoulder and of course she flinched. "See you have never done that when I didn't this before. The lack of her presence is taking its toll."
Damn it all! Why does he have to be right?
"But how do I make this right? I'm not good with people that aren't Lexa, hell right now I'm not even good with Lexa!"
"Start off easy. Make up with someone you should have a long time ago, forgive them, accept what they did, and let them back in." Jesse's eyes glinted with understanding and passion, but Beca's snarky side was out to play tonight. It was probably due to the coffee she had drank, not a good idea in retrospect.
"Did you take that from some cheesy movie?" Damn it Beca you ruined it!
"Actually no I didn't, and stop doing that! Don't deflect with sarcasm or smart ass comments."
"Right, you are right, I'm sorry." Jesse just nodded in understanding and they stayed quiet for a while listening to the mixes fill the air with sound. Beca thought and thought about who she could possible start opening herself up to, then it dawned on her. There were two perfect subject sitting in her own home right now. "Thanks, Jesse. I know what I'm going to do now." She gave him a small smile and let him hug her.
He waited around until her shift ended saying he didn't have anything better to do and couldn't sleep with the sad music she was playing. She had recounted her plan to him and he even offered her a ride but she would have to get back to campus somehow so she just took the Jeep. She stopped at the dorm and changed, noticing Lexa had showered and was in different clothes now, she told her she was heading home for a few hours and would be back later if she wanted to join. She didn't move, didn't even blink, Beca was starting to get worried. It was Tuesday morning at about 5:00 am, Lexa more than likely hadn't slept but at least she was still taking care of her physical appearance.
Beca made the short drive back to her childhood home and knocked on the door. She knew at least her dad would be awake, the man's internal clock had been set since before she existed. He opened the door surprised to see her and that she was knocking and not using her key. "Bec, come in here. Is everything alright? Where is your sister?"
"No dad everything is far from alright. I'll explain but I need to talk to you and Shelia about some stuff first. Is she awake yet?" Richard Mitchell looked stunned, that might have been the first time Beca had said her name without rolling her eyes or grimacing in front of him before.
"She is in the shower. I'll tell her you are here and want to talk. There is coffee in the kitchen." He looked so proud at this very moment, and Beca found herself wanting to keep him that way. She did help herself to the coffee and even made up a mug for both her dad and step-mom (yes she knew how she liked her coffee, she had been her step-mom for years now).
Once her parents both came down they decided to take to the living room to be more comfortable. Beca instantly launched into what was going on. She confessed about her relationship with Chloe ('I knew it! I told you Shelia! You two are oddly perfect for each other.), recounted the dictatorship of General Posen, explained why the relationship was a secret, she even told them about Regionals and getting "almost" arrested. When she got to semis and what happened with Chloe she felt the sting of tears behind her eyes but she couldn't let them fall yet, she had a plan and she was sticking to it. She explained about Lexa and Clarke's break up, well what she had gathered between Lexa's sobs (she had yet to figure out who gave her that shiner though), and that was when they understood what she was doing at their house so early on a Tuesday during her Spring Break.
"Don't tell me she is back there." He sounded so defeated, her father hated that Lexa as much as she did. Beca only nodded.
"I want to help her but I can't right now. I need to do this first." She looked between their eyes in hopes that they would stay quiet and listen to her. "After you and mom got divorced I pushed you away because I blamed you. It was easier that way, it was easier if I didn't care about people. Then you started dating again and I won't lie and say that I didn't sabotage a few of them because I did and I'm sorry. Then you met Sheila and you were so happy, happier than I had seen you be in years and I was angry that it wasn't because of me. I couldn't make you happy like that, I couldn't please you, and I thought it was because every time you looked at me you saw mom. The woman you used to love but didn't anymore, I was a reminder of something you did wrong."
"Rebecca Ann Mitchell. You were never thought of like that. I loved your mom, I still do even since she has passed. It just wasn't healthy for us to be living together anymore. We were not in our perfect ending, Beca." Her father looked from her eyes to Shelia who gave him a small smile and a nod. "Your mom and I realized that we were meant to find each other solely so that you could exist in this world! When your mom got sick I was devastated. Sheila took it in stride knowing that it was because I would always hold a place for her in my heart. I tried to talk to you all those years ago Bec but you wouldn't let me. It was Sheila's idea to let you have the mixing equipment you wanted because that was when you were being true to yourself. I felt the same loss as you when she died, kiddo. I love her and I miss her and I'm so sorry that you don't have her here with you physically anymore."
Beca started to cry and she let her father move from his spot on the loveseat with Sheila to wrap his arms around her on the couch. She folded herself into his side and held on for dear life. "I miss her so much dad. Music is the only way I still feel her."
"I know it is Bec. I'm sorry for trying to take that from you." She lost it and threw her arms around him and let him hold her like he did when she was ready for her bedtime story. After a few moments she let him go and wiped her eyes.
"I'm sorry to you too Sheila. You made him so happy and I was nothing but an ungrateful child to you." Beca dropped her gaze to her boots before continuing. "I may have been the reason that your purse and boots were full of flour that one time, and Lexa and I were the reason your car had that weird smell for over a month. We kinda set a stink bomb off in the trunk." Sheila actually laughed at her confession.
"Oh dude, I know! I even knew back then!" Sheila just actually called her 'dude' okay this stepmom may be cooler than she gave her credit for. Maybe this was what Lexa had been hinting at. "The flour thing was priceless! Now the stink bomb was gross but I still can't for the life of me figure out how you got it in there when I had my keys on me." Upon Beca's confession about how they had spent two hours watching YouTube videos on how to pick locks and figuring out Lexa's hidden talent for it, there was more laughter from both her parents. "I know you are sorry Beca but I forgave you instantly because you two were part of the reason I agreed to marry your father." Beca was shocked.
There was more recounting of how and why things had happened between them and how Sheila found it endearing that Beca fought for her father's honor even without knowing it. Then things got back to the topic at hand…Lexa. "I know how to help her but I need to fix my own shit before I get into hers. I need to talk to Chloe but I only want to do it in person." Both of her parents nodded their heads, that was when her phone caught her attention. This was the first message of the day, hoping it was Lexa she snatched at it. It was Chloe.
Chlo-bear: I know you don't want to hear from me but I need to tell you this, you were the only one I ever talked to about it. I'm having nodes surgery tomorrow. I figured since the season is over it won't really matter if I can't sing anymore. I'm scared still but knowing what you told me about your aunt and stuff is keeping my spirit hopeful. I miss you Bec. I'm so so so sorry, I can never tell you just how much.
That was her chance. She knew what she had to do. At least she had a day to prepare for it. She gave her parents a quick rundown and promised that once she got Lexa back around they would have a family dinner just the four of them (well six if her plan worked out). "Bye dad, I love you." She gave him a bone crushing hug that she had been holding in for way too long now and turned to Sheila. She threw her arms around her middle and rested her head against her chest. It was different than she remembered her mom to be but at the same time it was so familiar. "Thank you for everything, I love you too…" She paused for only a moment knowing it was right. She could hear her mother's voice telling her that is was okay and that Beca's heart really did have room for two. "Mom."
Chloe
"Lo?" Hands were rubbing across her back trying to arouse her from her dreams. "Lo-lo, you need to get up." The pet names he gave his little sister weren't helping her stay in her dreams. Calvin was only two years old when Chloe was born, so he had a hard time getting the 'K' sound out in her name. It always came out 'Lo' or 'Loe'. Eventually he got out the whole name though but when he was trying to be sweet or comforting the old name came out. Chloe groaned into her pillow trying to shrug his hands off her shoulders where they were now gently shaking. "Come on, where is my Loe?" She peaked at him with one eye from under her hair. There he was looking just like a younger version of her father, smiling sadly at her. "There she is! We have to head for the hospital in a little more than an hour. Get ready, there is a surprise for you down stairs when you are done." He gave her a bigger smile and patted her back before leaving the room.
She rolled to her back fully awake now and not all that happy about it. It wasn't Calvin's fault though. Her dreams were the place she wanted to be all the time now, because in her dreams…she still had Beca. Instinctively she reached over for her phone that was plugged in on her nightstand. She knew what she would see but she still checked every day (multiple times). Zero New Messages. It had been three days without any word from her girlfriend (ex-girlfriend?). The other Bellas hadn't heard anything either. At least she still had her read receipts on, that was bittersweet though. Chloe couldn't decide if the pain of not knowing if Beca was reading the messages would be worse than knowing she was reading them and making the decision to not message back. The most recent time stamp was what hurt her most though, Read Tuesday. It was now Wednesday and time for her surgery. Beca had read her message almost instantly after she had sent it and it make Chloe swell knowing he wasn't hesitating with her phone anymore, but it still stung when no reply came.
She threw her phone down on the bed and forced herself to shower (she maybe spending a while in the hospital but she can still be clean). She dried her hair and put it up in a messy bun foregoing the work just to ruin it. She forewent any make up and went to brush her teeth. She hadn't been allowed to eat or drink anything since yesterday do to doctor's orders, twelve hours prior to her procedure to be exact, but she will not go in there to have the surgeon all up in her mouth while she had morning breath. Not happening. She decided yesterday that she would just wear sweatpants and a t-shirt knowing she would have to change into a hospital gown for the procedure. She slipped on some comfy flats and headed downstairs.
As she reached the landing at the top of the staircase, she could hear voices coming from the kitchen. She knew her parents were up and with her brother. They more than likely got up early and had breakfast before she was woken. She could still smell the coffee they had mad this morning, she instantly salivated wanting nothing more than to wrap her hands around a huge mug of it. She checked the clock in the hall as she came off the steps. They had thirty minutes until they needed to be at the hospital. Her heart rate increased slightly but she was ready for this. She would survive this surgery and everything would be fine. What she wasn't ready for was to see her parents sitting at the kitchen table across from Calvin who had his back to her. Next to him was a tiny brunette girl that she would recognize anywhere.
Her eyes widened in shock as she froze in her path, her whole body instantly felt hot. She couldn't possibly be here, could she? Did I really wake up this morning? She just had to know for sure. "Beca?" It was faint but they all heard it. That small stature stiffened and then stood up from the table, pushing the chair in before she turned around. Chloe knew she was trying to collect herself before she looked at her. When she did their eyes instantly locked, desperately trying to reach each other's emotions.
"Yeah umm…hey. I'm here Chlo." She was here and this was real, she called me Chlo! Chloe instantly softened at the nickname and felt a new sense of calm wash over her. Beca was here and looking at her and talking to her. So many things were flying through her head, she didn't know what to do! Did she go to her? Say something? Apologize? Yeah, that last one sounded like a good idea.
"Bec, I'm so sor…"
"No Chlo, don't." She was cut off faster than a riff off. "I need to say somethings first." Chloe watched as Beca took a deep breath and she saw Calvin turn to watch them. Whatever was about to happen her family would be watching. Chloe readied herself to just listen to Beca.
"I said somethings that I shouldn't have, I made choices that weren't exactly my best move, and I'm sorry for the way I reacted. I won't apologize for changing the set list because it needed to be done. I won't apologize for the way I reacted to Aubrey's…explosion. The thing I will apologize for is putting you in the position to choose between us. I know now that you had your reasons for trying to stay neutral to the situation. You have way more knowledge of how Aubrey operates and I figured out that if you had taken my side, if I had asked you instead of Amy, Aubrey would have completely lost it. I should have known then that you had a reason, especially when you did try to defend me. Though at that point I was already too hurt for it to make a difference.
"I've come to realize a few things the past couple days. I guess it started with my parents and their divorce but I still do it now without realizing. When things don't work out how I want or cause my any type of pain or discomfort, I drop it. I push away anything and anyone that had to do with it. I push them away so they can't hurt me anymore. It had worked out great in the past…well not great but enough to keep me sane. Lexa has been the only one I wanted to keep close. Yet this time when I pushed things, people, away it hurt worse than what started the pain. Chloe," she had dropped her gaze back when she mentioned the damage that had been done. They looked back at each other and Chloe saw more honestly and emotion than she ever had before. "I don't want to push you away, I can't! It hurts too much to not have you there. Yes, I miss the Bellas too but I need you Chlo. I know you know I read all of my messages, I wanted to reply I really did but you deserved for this to happen in person.
"When you sent me that text about your surgery today I knew I had to come. I told you back then that I would support your decision no matter what and that I would be there for you. I'm here for you Chloe but if you want me to go then I will. But I will stay if you will have me." She didn't know what to say, the tears were threatening to fall down both of their faces. Chloe was scared that if she said the wrong thing she would leave again. Her silence must have been too much. "I'm sorry I hurt you Chloe I never wanted to do that. Before you say anything just know that I know you are sorry but you don't have to be anymore. I forgive you, I did a long time ago." Beca gave her a tight lipped smile and looked right into her soul. That was all it took for Chloe to let the tears run free down her face and set herself in motion.
She strode across the space between them and acted out what her heart was begging for. Her hands flew up to cup her face and she pulled her in for a long overdue kiss. She felt Beca's body react instantly, faster than she ever had before, as there were small hands gripping into her hips. They kissed again and again, Chloe could taste salty tears but when they pulled apart and rested their foreheads together she didn't know if she was tasting her own or Beca's. They both let out a happy sob and pulled into a hug neither of them ever wanted out of.
"I missed you so much, Bex. I'm so sorry." Chloe whispered between sobs into the studded ear next to her lips.
"I forgive you and I'm sorry too." Beca's breath was the warmest thing she could think of at the moment. "I missed you too Chlo-bear."
"I KNEW IT!" Calvin's voice startled them apart but they kept in contact, their arms wrapped around each other. "I knew they were crazy for each other! Pay up, parents!" Cal was standing proud by the table holding his hands out to his parents seemingly waiting for cash.
"You did not bet on us did you?" Chloe asked trying to hide her face in Beca's neck.
"I'm sorry Chlo-pop but we did. So now we need some details and we have just enough time to get them, so sit!" Her dad used his 'dad voice' for those last two words and Chloe felt Beca flinch in her arms. Chloe threaded their fingers together and headed toward the table. Beca sat down in a seat and instantly pulled Chloe into her lap. No one seemed to care. Arms wormed their way around her waist and she felt a kiss be pressed into the back of her shoulder, she sighed and leaned back in her embrace.
"Okay, so when exactly did this start?" Her mother started of the round of questions and they both answered as truthfully as possible, even when asked why they felt the need to keep it a secret. This whole ordeal took them until it was time to go, Calvin made fifty bucks in bets and couldn't be more proud of himself.
Beca had left during her surgery saying she needed to check on Lexa. Chloe asked her what was wrong but was only told that Beca would explain later. Chloe couldn't remember anything after they gave her a sedative and knocked her out for her procedure. When she woke up her throat was dry and her brother sat protectively next to her holding her hand. Her parents were seated on the couch behind him against the wall. Beca was on her other side holding her other hand, she was the first to notice that she had woken.
"Hey babe. Remember don't talk and no sounds at all okay?" She gave her a smile and a nod in answer, but she just wanted to kiss her.
"Hey Lo-lo, you hurting little sis?" She thought for a moment knowing her nose scrunched up and shook her head slightly.
"Honey do you need anything before we get the doctor back in here?" Her mother and father had now stood and were at the foot of her bed. Chloe nodded again. This whole no noises thing was going to suck.
"Calvin and I went to the store and got you this." Beca pulled a whiteboard out of a small bag and handed it to her, followed by a cloth, and an array of colored markers. "I knew you wouldn't want just black and we couldn't decide on one particular color so we got them all." Chloe smiled at the small blush showing on Beca's cheeks and looked over at Cal who wore a matching shade. Aww!
She scribbled out quickly 'I'm thirsty' (in light blue) and flipped the board. Her parents told her they would have to ask the doctor. They set the nurse light off and waited until they were helped. Beca sunk back into a corner when all the staff came in to help her. The doctor cleared her for warm fluids and soft foods like applesauce and pudding. He would be back in a few hours to check her progress of healing. He did make sure to tell them that she would more than likely be staying the night tonight. After that she was brought a mug of honey tea and given some applesauce to hold her over for a while in hopes that she will be able to eat something more filling soon (Beca was pulling for ice cream).
Her parents had run off to the cafeteria to get some lunch and Chloe was left with Beca and Cal, this is going to be fun.
She pulled out her markers and picked up the purple one (she liked this whole multiple colors thing she thought about using them to express her mood. You know red for angry, blue for sad, orange for happy, and purple for mischievous.) and wrote out her message before tapping on the board and poking Beca.
So you bonded? When Beca gave her a confused look he pointed at Calvin. Beca's eyes blew wide and she looked terrified. So Chloe stuck with the meaning of her color and poked Cal and showed him the same message. He took one look at Beca and laughed a little.
"If you can call me giving her the big brother speech and her telling me that she was waiting to get her ass kicked because she already hurt you bonding then yes we did." He answered and Beca blushed. Chloe spent a while longer teasing them until they fessed up that they had a great day and had talked through some things with each other. Beca came out with the "Big Brother Seal Of Approval" that no one else had ever been given.
After about another hour Chloe's doctor came back in to check on her. He liked the way that things were healing and gave her the go ahead on cold and hot fluids and softer foods. Beca insisted that there be ice cream. Calvin had volunteered to go and buy some at the store and bring it back for them all. Her parents went back home to get a few things for Chloe to say the night at the hospital, she was finally alone with Beca. She pulled out her green marker (calm) and wrote to her.
So are we good?
"Yes Chloe, we are perfect. I'm ready to forget that it even happened. I don't think I can go any longer without you being my girlfriend so can we go back to that?"
Already did! (She wrote that one in pink which was excited. Beca had already been run through the meanings by now)
"Good, so the doctor didn't say anything about not kissing right?" Chloe shook her head with a smile and crooked her finger beckoning her in closer. They kissed softly a few times before Chloe got down to business. She started off with easy things (in green).
Can you stay tonight? "Yeah, I convinced Jesse to cover my shift for me tonight, he is still playing my stuff but he was more than willing when I told him why I needed him to do it."
Good. Now what happened with Lexa? Beca launched into the story about her sister and Chloe had a death grip on her red marker scribbling out angry words whenever she got the chance. After Beca explained the situation fully Chloe felt a little better but didn't understand what Clarke was thinking.
What are you going to do? (blue) "I have an idea but I needed to fix this," She laced their fingers together and kissed the back of her hand. "First. Now I need to try and talk to Clarke, or her friends, and find out what is going on in her head. But that will wait until tomorrow because I will be here for you. I kinda already made and bag up just in case and it's in the jeep." Chloe kissed her again and Calvin walked in the door with ice cream for all. They spent the afternoon listening to Calvin exaggerate stories about Chloe's childhood and playing 'Hangman' on Chloe's whiteboard.
Beca started to get tired after that because she hadn't really slept much while trying to get her plan in motion to win back Chloe's heart (like she ever lost it). She was sitting in a chair by Chloe's bed resting her head in Chloe's lap while she trailed her fingers through her hair. Chloe had resorted to listening to some music and trying to rest but sleep just wasn't coming. Her throat had stopped hurting long ago and they had held off on pain medication to make sure she really didn't feel any pain. Calvin and her parents were currently back at home resting as well (a rather stubborn DJ was refusing to leave her side for more than to go to the bathroom, not that she cared one bit). Her doctor walked in for his last checkup of the night before he left for the day. As she pulled her headphones out her phone went off with a message from Aubrey.
Breezy: Footnotes had a high schooler for their front man. Bellas have been reinstated into Nationals! Practice Thursday. 2:00 pm. DON'T BE LATE!
Chloe was shocked, so shocked he almost gasped and made a sound. Her flinching was enough to wake up Beca in her lap and she sprang into action. "Chlo, babe, what is wrong?" Chloe just repeatedly smacked her hand on her little table that was across her bed and had a huge smile on her face. "Chloe what is going on? Use the board." Beca was grumpy when she was woken up. Chloe smiled sadly at her and handed her the phone while she pulled out her whiteboard to talk with the doctor. "Holy shit! No fucking way!" Beca and Chloe shared a look and then Beca's eyes widened and she turned to the doctor and apologized. He just laughed but asked about the message. He examined Chloe again and told her that she was fine to eat solid foods now but if anything caused her too much pain then to stop with that and work her way up to it. Spices and temperature shouldn't have any negative effects at this point. Once he was done Chloe pulled out her black marker (only for when talking to the doctor, it was her serious marker).
When can I sing again? "We will start you talking tomorrow morning, work your way through humming and then you will start singing again. But I do have some news." Beca instantly took her hand before she pulled it away to write her next message before putting it right back.
Give it to me straight Doc. "You may not be able to sing above a G sharp…ever. It is hard to say and I know you are a soprano but there is always a chance. Sometimes you can even train yourself to get your range back, it will take time Chloe." She nodded sadly and he left saying he would be back in the morning. She started to cry and then felt Beca climb into her hospital bed with her and wrap her in her arms.
"You will sing again Chloe, the world can't turn without that beautiful sound." Similar things came from Beca until she calmed down enough to think rationally. She asked Beca again what happened with her aunt's surgery in the past. "She lost her high range for a bit but was able to work it back slowly. It took about a solid month of vocal training. However she did gain a lower range that could put any man to shame! She instantly could sing lower than possible for a woman, they found it during her warm up scales one time." Chloe smiled and sighed (earning a look from Beca about it being a noise) and cuddled into her side.
They stayed like that until the nurse told them it wasn't exactly allowed and Beca moved back to her own chair. She wanted to sleep in the chair so she could hold Chloe's hand but she told her…wrote her…that she needed to sleep on the couch so her muscles wouldn't be sore for Bellas rehearsal. "Chlo, you and I both know that Aubrey will not let me back in." For a moment Chloe knew she was right, but then she thought again, she thought about what Beca had said she was going to say to Lexa.
Fight for what you want.
A/N #2: So the ending of Lexa's section was basically so you know what is happening while she is in The Hole. She thinks of only that over and over. She doesn't do anything really for a whole week. I know I hate it too. But this is the last angst chapter in this story...that means things get better next chapter. Who else thought the thing with Chloe's markers was totally her because I did that on a whim and was like 'yep totes a Chloe move'. Thanks to all who read it really warms my heart to read the comments! Let's see if we can hit 150 kudos just so I can say I did! S.C.