A/N: Hey guys, so this is going to be a rather long author's note but it's something I've wanted to bring up because a few people have questioned me about this and now seemed like the most fitting time to do so. *Takes a whopping breath.* Here we go.
I want to talk about the way I characterize Ichigo in hopes that you guys, the readers, may better understand his actions throughout this story. While yes, it's true that Ichigo is determined and headlong throughout the manga, he's not as linear as that. He's often shown to have doubts in regards to his powers, and when dealing with relationships, he honestly rather not. As shown in the manga, he's typically uncomfortable when the notion of romance is brought up in any form. (This is actually really culturally accurate. Seeing as Japanese men are - these days- more reserved than the woman.) However, I undoubtably believe it goes beyond that. Even with friendships, he's aloof, constantly keeping a soft distance between them while even going as far as the feign unaffected when he's being bothered emotionally( Like when he couldn't see Rukia anymore) A lot of people describe him as brave, and yeah, he most certainly is, but I stand behind my assertion that fear drives Ichigo way more than bravery does.(It's always that memory of his mom's death that pushes him forward) So, what we have here is an eighteen year old boy who is thoughtless(Both because he's fighting some type of war throughout most of the series and because he is - in some ways- emotionally immature/unequipped to deal with relationships.), terrified of losing the people closes to him, and has never been in any type of perceivable romantic relationship. In 'We Do Knot Always Love you'( Which is a post series story that isn't technically cannon, though has gotten Kubo's official seal of approval) it's actually implied that he needs to be pushed/goaded into starting his relationship with Orihime because he's just not emotionally capable of doing so without prompting.
Terms to know
Anata ga hoshii: I want you
Song: Catfish and the Bottlemen's 7
I'd walk through the dark to get home to you.
xXx
"I love you but I need another second to myself
…
I don't think through things, I never get time cause. I don't think things through"
Ichigo focused on the hands clasped between his own, every fleeting interval that separated the light thumping of Byakuya's pulse causing him torturous anticipation. He was sure each one might be Byakuya's last, because for him, death was a gunslinger, slaying his loved ones with a swift and sudden execution.
He was infatuated with Byakuya's bodily impulses. By the rise and fall of his chest. By the way his eyes shifted underneath their lids and by the way his fingers twitched every so often. These little proofs that Byakuya was still here, he harvested them, gathered them up so he'd have some comfort to lean on.
The passing of time was nothing more than the background noise of a ticking clock. People came and they went, but Ichigo stayed, focused, wound up, his jaw in a permeant clench. Orihime came to heal Byakuya's leg and Ichigo's forearm. Rukia stayed for a while before checking on her division members and kindly offering to do the same for Ichigo. No one attempted to pull him away. No one offered platitudes or reassurance on Byakuya's well being. Isane said he would pull through, but they knew that wasn't the point.
He kept replaying the events of the night, picking them apart frame by frame, but little came from his obsessive analysis, just feelings of dread, desperation, hatred, and most prominently, guilt.
Ichigo grew up in a clinic. He knew how to administer C.P.R since the age of ten, and yet, when his hands had the most power, the ability to sway the line of faith of which Byakuya's life teetered on, he did nothing. He couldn't even think to do anything. All he saw was the loss, loss so encompassing that he gave into it before it even became inevitable. He blubbered hopelessly, handed over Byakuya's life to something as intangible as miracles and divine intervention, something he had never done before. That's why he kept replaying his inaction, looking down at the hands of which he cultivated to protect others, trying to understand why they had failed him.
Specks of Byakuya's blood stained the underside of his nails, dug its way into crevices that were not so easily reached. It reminded him of how empty and useless his hands felt even while holding onto Byakuya.
At some point, Ichigo accidentally fell asleep with his head rested in his folded arms and Byakuya's damp hair tickling at his elbow. He woke up to the feeling of his surroundings shifting, and not in a slow squinty way, but in a fast, someone's breaking into your house way. He looked down at Byakuya to make sure he hadn't somehow been stolen away.
He was fine. Safe, if there was such a thing when by Ichigo's side.
Ichigo leaned back in his chair, folded up and empty like a cardboard box, and pressed the bottom of his palms deep against his sockets, trying to counteract the pressure bulging from his eyes.
"Ichigo," said a voice so hushed that it could've been mistaken for the patterning of passing by foot steps or one of the many other ambiguous sounds that resided in the healing center.
He jerked up to see Byakuya's eyes opening and closing like a revolving door. The disheveled noble shimmied as the tingling confusion of awareness found his limbs, and Ichigo sat there as if watching the dead come back to life, all wide open and clogged up with disbelief. It wasn't until Byakuya's hand tightened around his own that Ichigo jumped from his chair.
"You're awake. I'm going to get a healer!"
He looked down at the feeling of fingers wrapped around his wrist. The gesture had the fragile longing of a child clinging to their parent's leg. As if to acknowledge they couldn't keep you from leaving, but that they were still begging you not to go.
"Stay," came the request, and Ichigo had to just sit, because Byakuya Kuchiki didn't ask people to stay. He rejected people before they had a chance to leave him with nothing but his raw vulnerability and recurring disappointment. He was too guarded, too prideful, had been through the same repetitious learning experience too many times to convey the heavy sentiment disguised in such a simple word. Only, for Ichigo, he did.
'Stay,' it was so honest in it's neediness, making any further explanation unnecessary. So, without question or hesitation, Ichigo did just that.
Ichigo sat with hands still in Byakuya's, his whole body tight and uninviting like the lock on a door as he let out a controlled, experimental breath. He had to edge his lungs out of their atrophy, because for the first time since he got to the healing center, he could actually breath.
"You seem tense."
"Heh, it's been a tense night."
"Ichigo."
He looked up to see Byakuya's head tilted towards him, his heavy eyelids like window curtains, just barely giving vigil to the colorful world on the other side.
"I'm okay," Byakuya reassured, the blade of his thumb doing laps across the asphalt dense hand of Ichigo's.
The transition from one extreme to the next was hard to digest. While his body wanted to rejoice in Byakuya's wellness, his mind was still kneeling on the ice thawed blades of grass, Byakuya's bloody, stock-still mass dwindling in his arms.
He swallowed, eyes fixed on their clasped hands. "You're okay," he echoed, almost painfully. He shook his head up and down as if verifying the truth in his words before leaning his forehead against the quivering grasp that held onto Byakuya's hands like a shaky promise, and the dame of unshed tear that burned at his eyes with their insistency trickled out in soft, hot streams. "You're okay."
Ichigo kissed Byakuya's hands before connecting their foreheads and cupping his cheek. Byakuya encouraged the touch by placing his hand against the one pressed against his face.
Nature had a cruel manner of marking deadly creatures with the most vibrant colors, colors that enticed you into their lethal proximity. Maybe that's why when Ichigo opened his eyes and saw specks of orange and pink blooming under the coverage of Byakuya's lashes, he felt an immense danger, a danger that held the most comfort and sense of belonging he'd ever experienced in his young adult life.
"Is everyone alright?" Byakuya asked.
"Yeah. There were a few minor injuries, but no one else was seriously hurt." Ichigo sighed, "Thanks to you." His thick breaths added to the humidity of their shared air as he pressed against Byakuya's face more intently. "You sacrificed yourself," Ichigo said, a harshness he couldn't swallow in his voice.
"Are you scolding me?"
Ichigo huffed, almost humorously, as he caressed a lock of hair tucked behind Byakuya's ear. "No, I would've done the same thing… Just, stop almost dying, okay? Are you trying to break a record or something?"
A tired smirk pulled at Byakuya's lips, and Ichigo thought he'd never seen the noble's face so porous. It was soft like the edges of a setting sun. Beautiful like one too.
"Perhaps I'm trying to break yours."
Happiness looked good on Byakuya. So good that Ichigo had to mimic his expression.
"With just this one thing, can you try not to best me?"
Byakuya's fingers drifted along the plains of Ichigo's face like a curious tourist, making pit stops at the bridge of his nose and the crest of his cheeks. "It is not that I do not value my life. I simply did what I had to."
"I can understand that more than anybody," Ichigo whispered.
"And I understand more than anybody how fearful you were," Byakuya said, his tracing fingers lingering as they brushed past Ichigo's lips. "I could feel it inside of me… It was a terrible dread. If at all possible, I will try to spare you from that feeling again. Although, with my position, I can not make promises."
They sat there, their flesh mingling as they exchanging verbal caresses, their words antispeptic, their touches voiceless reminders of what they meant to each other. Nothing existed beyond their mutual immersion. Ichigo could no longer hear the beeping of a heart monitor or smell the chemical fumes of cleaning solution. The only notable things in that moment were Byakuya, himself, and the warmth in his gut.
Ichigo closed his eyes and let out a small, empathetic breath.
"I need to get Isane. She told me to tell her when you woke up."
Byakuya's brow creased in question.
"How long have you been here?"
Ichigo stood with folded arms.
"Look, don't start with me, Byakuya."
A spark of gold surfaced in the black abyss of Byakuya's eyes.
"That long, I see."
"Yeah, that long. You got a problem with that?"
Byakuya sighed and turned his head away from Ichigo.
"My problem is your raucous stomach growling and reprehensible odor."
"It's not my fault that you have superhuman senses!"
"It does not take an extraordinary nose to tell you need to bathe and eat. You are perturbing me. Do not come back until you have alleviated your hunger and foul scent."
Ichigo knew Byakuya too well to be upset by, what many would consider, harsh words. On the surface, they were, but when put into context, there was nothing but concern and affection reflected by his soft reprimands. Byakuya was the type of man who'd usually declare his independence, pridefully deterring Ichigo's guard dog like vigilance, but he, also, knew Ichigo well. He knew how much Ichigo needed to be there, and that it had nothing to do with thinking him incapable or weak. So the words served to let Ichigo know that it was okay for him to be by Byakuya's side, but not at the expensive of his own well being.
Ichigo grinned, allowing his arms to dangle by his side. Sometimes decoding Byakuya's words was like answering a riddle he'd already heard a dozen times before. Nonetheless, if Byakuya could give up a modicum of his pride, it was only right that he returned the gesture.
He bent down and swiped a few tousled, misplaced strands from Byakuya's forehead before gently kissing the hollow between his eyes. His hovering lips moved to Byakuya's ear where he said, "Okay, I'll use the shower in the barracks and get something to eat." He pulled back to see Byakuya's lips marginally parted and his eyes rounded, making his habitually netted brows separate like driftwood floating aimlessly in a sea of contentment. Ichigo smiled at the unusually bare expression and added, "Try not to have any near death experiences while I'm gone."
"Well now you are just asking too much," Byakuya jested, feigning irritation.
Ichigo smirked and forced himself to pull back, resisting the urge to surprise the noble further with a more intimately placed kiss. He had no right to that. When he kissed Byakuya, it shouldn't be with such a grand uncertainty. He wouldn't taint the noble's lips with his fear and apprehension. He wouldn't start something he wasn't yet in the right mind to see through.
But they both knew the silent truth. They both knew it had already begun. It sat between them like a game of chicken where the last one to acknowledge it lost, and Ichigo was certain of his defeat, because he was nowhere near ready to budge.
"I'll be back soon."
Byakuya just nodded, and Ichigo left, a stampede of thoughts galloping through his head.
xXx
Ichigo showered, ate, delegated division duties to Nel, and, unwilling to sacrifice his post by Byakuya's side, brought the daily heap of paperwork back to the healing center. When he returned, he asked Isane for an update before walking to Byakuya's room.
Upon entry, he saw that the noble was resting, much to his pleasure. He didn't want Byakuya to worry about anything, but he knew that if he was awake, he'd push himself to fill out paperwork despite knowing he needed sleep to fully recuperate from his concussion.
He sat with his extended legs resting on the foot of Byakuya's bed. Between the humdrum legality of division bureaucracy, Ichigo's eyes deviated from their task, and instead, landed on the noble. Despite finding the duty tedious, Ichigo was rather efficient at dealing with the paperwork. He was good at it in the same way he way good at school, proficient yet detached. However, the chaotic arrival of newly presented issues caused his thoughts to outgrow his capacity for concentration. Who planted the bomb that hurt Byakuya? Where could he safely dispose their body at when he found them? How would the attack effect the peace treaty and tomorrow's gala? How could he get answers to these questions while not leaving Byakuya's side? Why did Byakuya look so fucking beautiful when his slack, sleep riddled features were being saturated by the rays of a rising sun?
Ichigo slumped deeper into his chair and chewed on his pen. As much as he wanted to stay by Byakuya's side, he was, admittedly, a man of action. He just didn't know how to sit still amongst chaos.
He looked down at the paperwork and then back up to Byakuya.
No, this is where he belonged.
"Well, well, look who it is, our resident Savior."
Ichigo looked up to see Urahara standing in the doorway and Yoruichi leaning against the framing. Their poses and matching smirks looked almost choreographed, but that was probably what a century of companionship did to a pair. It made playing off of each other a natural step sequence.
"Don't call me that."
"How presumptuous, Kurosaki-san. I wasn't talking about you," Urahara said, and Yoruichi let out something akin to a witches cackle.
"Will you two pipe the hell down?" Ichigo hissed. "Byakuya's trying to rest."
Yoruichi sauntered in and ruffled Ichigo's hair. Ichigo swatted her hand away. "We only need to steal a moment of your boyfriend's time."
"Come back later!"
"It is of no use," Byakuya said, adjusting himself into an upright position, "They have already disturbed me."
Yoruichi flopped down on Byakuya's bed and leaned her head against his shoulder.
"Sweet dreams, Bya-kun?"
Byakuya's posture stiffened and a purple screamed in his eyes.
"More like a grizzly nightmare."
"I see someone still hasn't forgiven me for leaving them to play flash tag all by themselves," Yoruichi said right in Byakuya's ear. "You really shouldn't hold grudges, Bya-kun. It's bad for your health."
The purple slowly morphed into a red, but he managed to keep (most of) the anger out of his voice.
"Why are you both here?"
Urahara put up his hands as if being held by gunpoint.
"We come in peace," he said, "and with information."
"Information about what?" Byakuya asked.
"Well the stealth squads been investigating the bombing, and Kisuke and I've been helping them."
"And it looks like we finally got a solid lead," Urahara said.
Ichigo stood immediately, hands fisted by his side.
"Who did this?"
"Woe there, Kurosaki-san," Urahara said. "I like the enthusiasm, but we haven't gotten that far yet."
"Well how far have you gotten?"
Urahara extended his arm and opened his hand. A chain hitched cross came tumbling from the exposed palm, dangling on Urahara's middle finger
"We found this at the site of the detonation."
Ichigo looked at it intently, his glare as fixed on the cross as the cross was fixed on the chain. He lifted his obstinate glare to Urahara.
"Are you saying it was one of the Quincy?"
"I'm saying someone wants us to believe it was one of the Quincy."
Ichigo bit his lip and his eyebrows narrowed in confusion.
"They're being framed by a Shinigami," Byakuya asserted.
"Bingo," Yoruichi said as she hopped from the bed and walked over to stand beside Urahara. "You were always smarter than I gave you credit for."
"Wait," Ichigo interrupted, "How do you know that?"
"Well," Urahara explained, drawing the chain back into his grasp. "After some examination, we were able to discern that this is a replica. It's nearly perfect, but not perfect enough."
"It also doesn't have any trace of a reiatsu signature."
"So we're dealing with Shinigami inciters again," Ichigo surmised.
Urahara nodded. "Yes, but that's not the worst of it."
"What do you mean?" Ichigo asked.
Urahara and Yoruichi exchanged meaningful looks, once again displaying their dynamic by the way they had a whole conversation with simple eye contact.
"We found the bomb in the underground tunnels. Or what was left of it anyway. Overall, it was pretty simple, something any moron could put together, but there was something special about it."
Ichigo shifted in his spot. He suddenly felt very uncomfortable.
"It had a reiatsu tracker on it. Meaning it wouldn't detonate until it found a specific reiatsu signature." She paused and looked at the noble. "Byakuya's signature."
Ichigo's teeth cupped his bottom lip and his narrowed eyes jutted back and forth between Urahara and Yoruichi.
"What, but- I don't understand." He closed his eyes and shook his head side to side. "Why would anyone want to hurt Byakuya?"
Urahara's hat shadowed eyes cut past Ichigo to look at Byakuya as he said, "We have a theory, but from the look on Kuchiki Taichou face, I'd say he's came to the same conclusion."
"Byakuya?" Ichigo said as he turned to look at the closed eyed, razor straight noble. "What's going on?"
When he said nothing, just took a deep, contemplative breath, Yoruichi spoke up.
"Do you remember how the Quincy took away our bankai?"
"Of course, bu-"
"Well this is kind've the same thing. Whoever did this wanted to take away your strongest power."
Ichigo's face went slack as he mouth the words to himself. The manner of which the syllabus rounded out on his tongue felt wrong, as if he were spewing curse words in front of his mother.
"Kuchiki Taichou has been helping you every step of the way," Urahara explained. "He stood up to Central 46, took Nel into his division, helped you deal with the Quincy nobility. Not to mention the gala tomorrow. Without him, there's a good chance you wouldn't have gotten so far."
"Speaking of the gala," Yoruichi joined in, "hopefully the bombing will play well with the Grand Noble Council. Yuushirou told me they turned your disobedience into a council affair, and depending on if Ichigo's peace keeping laws succeed or not, you'll have to stand before them to receive punishment. You need to watch your back, Byakuya."
"What?" Ichigo asked, voice breathless and blood blazing, finally looking up from the floor of which his gaze had been cemented. He turned to the nobleman, and there were little hints of frustration that his face couldn't conceal "I knew your elders wouldn't be happy, but you didn't tell me you could actually get punished."
"Because, that was of no concern of yours."
"Bullshit!" Ichigo declared. "What kind've of trouble have I gotten you into, and don't you dare lie to me."
Byakuya gave a resigned sigh.
"Urahara-san, Yoruichi-"
"Yeah," Urahara said, tucking an arm around Yoruichi's shoulder and pulling her towards the door, "We'll leave you two to talk."
Once they left, Ichigo turned back towards Byakuya expectantly.
"Well?" he said.
Byakuya scooted over slightly and patted the side of the bed.
"Sit."
Ichigo swallowed hard, but did as requested. He sat on the edge, face dipped towards the floor.
"When I decided to support you, I did not do so through the appropriate channels. While it's acceptable, though frowned upon, to veto the elders dictums, it is criminal to speak on their behalf without first addressing them."
"What could happen to you if Central doesn't pass the peace keeping laws?" Ichigo asked in a hushed tone.
"That depends. Ceremonial lashings, the removal of my executive decision making for an allotted amount of time." Ichigo heard Byakuya sigh and fidget slightly against the scruffy blanket, understanding the trepidation in these slight movements. "This is why I could not get out of my arranged marriage so easily."
Ichigo's clasped hands tightened into a vacuum seal. Even the tears that dripped onto them had no crevices to seep into. An oxygen stealing vice griped his neck, and he was hot all over, the kind've hot that made you want to undress from your own skin.
"They're grandstanding, Ichigo," Byakuya reassured, shifting closer. "They want this to disappear as much as I do. In fact, my elders desired for this to stay within the clan, so I presume that my indiscretion somehow got out, and they had no choice but to take this to the council."
When Ichigo felt a hand on his knee, he looked up to see a blatant concern in the noble's features, making it hard to keep Byakuya's eyes. He didn't deserve his worry.
"Nothing will come of this."
"Is you having to get married nothing?" Ichigo challenged, trying to keep the tears out of his voice. "Is you almost dying nothing?!" A tiny sob cracked his words, and he turned his face away only to have it caught by Byakuya's nimble fingers. His eyes grew as small as he felt, and Byakuya morphed into a beautiful blur through the filter of their oozing.
"Why? Why did you put yourself out like that with your clan?"
"You ask why? Why did you risk your life to fight a war that you had no place being apart of? Why did you give up your life as a human to aid me in my recovery and keep me from throwing myself away? You have given more to both the Gotei 13 and myself than can ever be repaid, while I have done so little in return." Byakuya tutted with a sternly netted brow. "And you ask why I chose to support you."
"Done so little?!" Ichigo snapped. "You've done everything!"
Byakuya flinched, and Ichigo shook his head at the noble's confusion.
"You've given me so much," he said, bracing against his knees and dropping his head so he could talk to his feet. "You've taught me so much...You've gave me a home, Byakuya, and I put you in danger. It's my fault. I-"
"Do not insult my volition," Byakuya scolded, only to tenderly run a thumb over Ichigo's flushed, moist cheek and lower his voice to a soft lull. "I chose this, fully aware of the possible repercussions. I understand how you take the pain and death of all those close to you as a personal failure. I do also, but-"
"No, you don't know," Ichigo said, wrapping his hand around Byakuya's nape and pulling him closer. "This has nothing to do with wanting to protect everyone. It's because it's you! It's because I can't lose you!"
A tint of red rushed to Byakuya's cheeks and his lips drooped like succulent hanging fruit. He looked swept, and Ichigo couldn't take it. He was so close, close enough to taste Byakuya's breath. How could he deny himself something so sweet?
Maybe it was the pent up yearning. Maybe it was the emotional triathlon that had been the past couple of days. Or maybe it was just because it was Byakuya, but Ichigo couldn't think to stop himself. He didn't want to stop himself. A heat destroyed him from the inside. It outgrew him, spilt from his ears and filled up his mouth, and somehow, without knowing how he got there, his lips were on Byakuya's.
It was by no means the thing of romance novels. Ichigo sat half off the bed, awkwardly pivoted towards the noble. In his sloppy urgency, their teeth clanked in joining, and like an exuberant yet novice dancer who just couldn't find the beat, his lips moved out of rhythm with Byakuya's.
However, if there was one word he'd use to describe the feeling of their bumbling, bout of impromptu kisses, it was this: Alleviating. It was as if all of his frantic thoughts and prevailing uncertainty were lost to the sensation. They were no longer just belonging to him. As he pressed his lips against Byakuya's, he could feel all of his fraught emotions seep into their kiss. Byakuya carried the weight of Ichigo's heart in his mouth, and it was a catharsis like no other.
Ichigo felt Byakuya's lips twitch against his own, followed by a low, affectionate chuckle that echoed in his mouth. Both of Byakuya's hands moved to sit tentatively against Ichigo's cheeks, and his lips slowed as he took the lead, guiding Ichigo with the sway of his more experienced applications. It was a dance that Ichigo was more than inclined to follow in.
Somehow his bottom lip ended up between Byakuya's attentive mouth. It was being lavished with sensual suckles and pleasurable nips, and Ichigo was fascinated by the gesture, feeling similar to a doe eyed child looking upon a wild new world with rapt intrigue. He didn't know lips could do things like that, nor did he know he could make sounds like the one he just released into Byakuya mouth - something between a moan and a grunt, lusty and piqued.
Then they weren't kissing, and the mere taunting breath that separated their lips felt more like a chasm, a whole expedition in need of undertaking. Their foreheads joined instead, fingers laced, Byakuya's ivory skin acting as the perfect canvas for the blushed hues that contrasted his flinty, aloof features.
He didn't need any visual expression to understand Byakuya's feelings. It was in his actions. It was in his ginger scented kiss and gracious touches. It was in all the words he didn't say, each punctuated by these silent feats of devotions, and they were feats, because Byakuya was a prudent man in both combat and in love. He wouldn't fall unless it was damn well worth the risk of the jump. So, yes, it was easy to understand what Byakuya felt.
How he felt, well, that wasn't so simple.
It was exhilarating, freeing, the type of heart palpitating danger one might seek in the form of base jumping or skydiving. Only, the thrill didn't fit right. It conflicted with what he knew and how he felt about Byakuya.
The noble certainly wasn't a bad boy. He was the graceful aristocratic, the man brimming with charming insecurities and abandoned romanticism behind his fluid mannerism and taciturn manner of speech. At the most, he was Ichigo's home. At the least, he was Ichigo's sanctuary. He was perfect, everything Ichigo never knew he wanted until it was sitting beside him, drinking tea and swapping snippy, taunt intended insults, but maybe that was the problem. Maybe the risks were too high and the potential loses too great.
"I shouldn't of done that," Ichigo muttered.
By the way their bodies circled each others like binary stars, it was obvious he was at war with the flight signals rapid firing in his head. He had never been one for good sense.
"But you did."
Ichigo's eyes violated the noble's face with their debauched dissection. There was nothing pure about his scrutiny.
"Yeah, I did," Ichigo agreed before he merged their lips once again. This time it was kinder, patient, more for the sake of heedful exploration than some animalistic impulse, but like most good things, it ended much too soon.
Ichigo shifted away, back to his safe, touch-less, kiss-less edge of the bed. He needed to breath, and he couldn't think with Byakuya's lips on his like that. He couldn't think at all.
"Sorry," Ichigo said, unsure of why he was apologizing. It just felt necessary. Maybe he was apologizing for being a clueless teenager who had never been in love. Or perhaps it was for not being able to fit into the shoes of the doubtlessly intrepid Savior that everyone attempted to place him in.
"I'm not," Byakuya said, and Ichigo steadied his glare, finding it impossible to look at the noble. "Do you regret kissing me?"
"No! Yes! I mean-" Ichigo sighed, raking a hand through his hair compulsively. "It's complicated."
"You..." His words faltered, and even though he tried to hide it, Ichigo could see he was flustered. Maybe it was wrong, but he liked knowing that Byakuya's tongue only twisted for him.
"You can confide in me."
"Even if it's about you?"
"Especially if it is about me."
Ichigo blinked, looking up as his fingers took turns pressing into his knees, distracting themselves from their want to touch Byakuya. When he did, his head grew an anchor and everything went quiet, but he knew better than to think he could reach out for the noble as freely as he always had.
"First and foremost, I am your friend. While I am, admittedly, biased, I can put aside my emotions easily for your sake."
"Well maybe you shouldn't have to." When Byakuya's mouth went slightly ajar and his head tilted, Ichigo added, "You're always putting others before yourself. Don't you think you deserve someone who, for just once, puts you first... I do."
"I've never thought much on what I deserve. I am more concerned on what I want."
"Yeah, and what do you want, Byakuya?"
Byakuya placed his index finger on Ichigo's shoulder, and like honey, it glided slowly down his arm, leaving a sticky warmth in its wake.
"I want your peace of mind."
Ichigo inhaled roughly at the heady touch.
"Is that all?"
Byakuya sighed.
"What is it that you want, Ichigo? I believe one truth deserves another."
He wasn't sure what to say. After all they had shared in, the last thing he wanted to do was insult their bond by shutting Byakuya out, but the truth felt like cement on his tongue, it was just too heavy to deliver.
'Anata ga hoshii.'
It was such a plain phrase, humble and earnest, and all it would take to express it was the employment of basic articulation, but his vocal chord couldn't find the courage to say words with such lofty consequence.
"I want everything to slow down so I can have sometime to think."
"...I see," Byakuya said, hiding his eyes. "This makes sense. Not only are you young and adapting to a new world, but turmoil seems to follow you. It's reasonable that you'd need time to understand your own emotions."
His words were embellished by hints of disappointment that Ichigo could only identify because he spoke fluent Byakuya. It made his fisted hands strain in frustration. Why couldn't he just say what he meant? Why was he always hurting the person he loved the most?
"Don't misunderstand me," Ichigo said. "I do... have feelings for you, romantic ones, but...I don't know what to do with them." His nervous hands bunched up his uniform and he gnawed at his lip. In a raspy, hushed voice, he managed, "They scare me..."
Byakuya's features went alert, touched by a brisk surge of air, and Ichigo thought he might get sick if nothing was said soon.
"You are not alone in that," Byakuya said, squeezing Ichigo's hand. "I, too, fear my own feelings."
Ichigo squeezed back, and he felt lighter, but only for a moment.
"And now you're getting married, and I don't know what to do with that either. I couldn't ask you to go against your family, not after all the danger I put you in."
"You wouldn't have to ask," Byakuya said, making Ichigo jerk his head up.
"What are you saying, Byakuya?"
"Let me be clear," Byakuya said, visibly swallowing down his hesitation. "I desire you, and I do so with more vigor than I thought myself still capable of. While having an heir is unavoidable, I am willing to fight the elders on the marriage, but," he added, jaw squaring and eyes tapering, "only if you are willing to do the same. When you are determined, you never allow your doubt to overcome you. If I am to go against my family again, I can not accept less than your determination to see this through."
"...Byakuya, I-"
"I am not pushing you. I still have some time before I am expected to pick a wife, and until then, for you, I am willing to be patient. But, Ichigo," Byakuya said with a tenderness in his voice, "no matter the outcome, it will not change our friendship if you do not wish it to."
Ichigo's lips curled upwards and his eyes crinkled at the bravery Byakuya displayed and the compassionate understanding he gave. It felt like he was watching Byakuya bloom in front of him, flourishing from the withering wrath of winter. The once frozen man was willing to give the sun another chance, and what a wonderfully inspiring thing that was, to see his hope overcome his fear.
He was proud and giddy with affection, but he needed to look past the emotions of one moment and give this the thoughtfulness it demanded. The noble's love was like a shattered vase that had reconfigured itself piece by piece. It couldn't be handled with fickle hands.
He arched himself towards Byakuya until their noses were brushing.
"Thanks," he said.
"For what?"
"Just... for everything. You," waving a hand between them, he said, "This, whatever we are, it's meant a lot."
Ichigo leaned in for Byakuya's lips again, frowning to find nothing there.
"Don't," Byakuya whispered. "You should not kiss me like this. I've had enough false hope to last a lifetime."
Ichigo held the hand pressed against his chest and said, "You're right. I'm sorry. That's something I have to earn the right to do." Byakuya cleared his throat with a nod and created some distance between them.
"You should leave."
"Why? Did I do something wrong?"
"No, but you can not stay here like some glorified babysitter." Before Ichigo could protest, Byakuya said, "We both know you are a man who can not stand to sit still. Being here will do neither of us any good."
"I'm not just going to leave you when there's some psycho out there who wants you dead."
"Whoever this person or people are made an indirect attempt at my life. Meaning they do not possess the power to come for me directly, especially while I'm in a heavily guarded division." Perking a brow, he added, "Besides, if you truly find yourself culpable for my current situation, you will prepare for tomorrow's gala. You would not want my punishment to be on your hands because you were ill prepared, would you?"
"That's a low blow, Byakuya. I know you don't really believe that."
"Perhaps, but you do. Now, go make yourself of some use."
Ichigo scoffed and picked up the paper work. "Fine, but I'm taking this with me. I don't want you trying to do it while I'm away."
"The paperwork is not in braille, so I couldn't without your assistance."
Ichigo tucked a strand of hair behind the noble's ear and let his fingers lazily round the noble's face until they reached his chin. "I'm glad there are some things you still need me for."
Byakuya's eyes fluttered only to settle on Ichigo, rooted and burning, like the charred remains of a tree trunk.
"You are something I want, Ichigo, not need."
Ichigo didn't respond. He didn't think there was anything he could say other than goodbye. So with paperwork in hand, he left Byakuya alone.
xXx
He felt the drizzle of rain before he opened his eyes. For a while, he just listened to the sound, noting the way it pattered against the buildings like an erratic heartbeat, but when he felt the greeting of an uncharacteristic breeze, his eyes opened to a world he'd never seen.
It wasn't a world that exist within a vacuum, rebelling against the laws of nature. It was a world that belonged to something other than a void. It was grounded.
He was standing in what looked like a park. There was cement paths lined by trees, still rivers, and in the distance, he saw what looked like skyscrapers sprouting from the earth. Up above, there were topsy turvy building as there had always been, but from where he stood, they looked far away and otherworldly.
"Hello, Kurosaki-sama."
Ichigo jumped, turning wided eyed to see the bare face of Senbonzakura standing behind him.
"What the hell?! You scared me."
The sword spirit crossed his arms and turned up his nose.
"That is not my fault. Perhaps you should be better at sensing reiatsu."
"Yeah, well maybe you shouldn't sneak up on people. I was a little distracted, ya know?" He paused and looked sharply at the spirit. "Why are you here? How?"
"That should be obvious."
"Well, it's not. No one else has ever been in my inner world." His gaze drifted across the new and unexplored landscape. "Am I even in my inner world?"
"Does it feel like your inner world?"
"Yes… and no. It's weird. Like, I know it's mine, but... it feels different somehow. It's changed. I didn't know they could do that."
One side of Senbonzakura's lips flickered upwards, much like Byakuya's did from time to time. "If people can change, doesn't it make sense that their worlds can too? Didn't you ever get the sense that your inner world, as it was before, was incomplete?"
Ichigo turned towards the river. He watched as the wind cause the surface to wrinkle.
"Especially for those as young as yourself. Your chaotic, senseless world was a manifestation of your journey to know yourself." He laughed nostalgically, smiling. "My master's started out as just patches of soil."
Ichigo snorted, decidedly sitting down in a shady grass covered area. "I know myself then?" he asked, almost finding the idea humorous.
Senbonzakura sat on his haunches beside Ichigo. "Many people let fear stand in the way of the things they know they want," he said offhandedly, looking off into the distance. Ichigo looked at him hard, but when the spirit looked back, so earnest and knowing, his gaze wavered in its confidence, and he simply nodded.
"Do Byakuya and I share a world now? Is that why you're here?"
"It's more complicated than that. More so, you have a mental link to each others worlds. If you wanted to see my masters, all you'd have to do is think it."
There was something enticing in the idea of exploring the crux of Byakuya's soul, but even if the door was opened, Ichigo felt he had little right to walk through it.
"Wheres Zangetsu?"
"Off somewhere bothering the Quincy spirit who lives here too." He touched his face as if he'd forgotten something. "My apologies, Kurosaki-sama. I do not have on my barrings. Zan stole both my mask and my back up mask."
"Uhh-"
"He is goading me," he explained, teething at his lip in genuine frustration. "I can't decide if he is aiming for a fight or for us to make love."
"We- Wait, what?!"
"Which, mind you, I need no provoking to do either of these activities. Nonetheless," the spirit continued unperturbed, flipping a hand casually, "When I figure which it is he wants, I will do the other."
The sword spirit turned to see Ichigo, his features stretched and blood rushed.
"Did I say something wrong?"
"Uh,well, I just... I just didn't know you two, well..."
"That we are in love?"
His face was pinched, innocently curious and as blunt as his words. Byakuya was not an easily abashed man, and he always knew what he wanted. He always had to in order to control those wants, so this must've been what he was like when not constricted by a jaded heart and years of ingrained tact.
"You love him...?" Those words were moss on his heart. Each beat was a struggle for air.
Senbonzakura smiled. It was simple and small, but the meaning stretched on for miles.
"He makes my world bigger."
Ichigo blinked, his face unable to settle between a melting happiness or a wrecked dread.
"And you love my Master."
"...Yeah, I do."
"But that's frightening."
Ichigo nodded sheepishly. After a moment, he chuckled grimly, "I was up against the end of the world, and I didn't have any problem doing that. I'm pathetic."
"Well, to be fair, that was different. Your fear of losing your friends prompted you to fight. Whereas your fear now prompts your apprehension." When Ichigo gave him a suspicious look, the spirit said, "Zangetsu tells me many things."
"I guess you're right, but still," he muttered, "I can't help but think I'm letting Byakuya down. He thinks of me as this determined guy who can stand up to anything."
"That's not true," Senbonzakura said with an admonishing shake of the head. "He thinks of you as human, vast and whole. He appreciates both the best and worst of you, finds that those parts are often one in the same. You should know this."
Ichigo looked upwards, feeling the sky's song against his face and remembering when Byakuya told him that the rain made him who he was.
"Perhaps you're projecting. Perhaps you're disappointed with yourself."
Ichigo cupped his nape and rubbed the irritated skin.
"Yeah, well, I should be. I can't really explain it, because I don't understand it myself. All I know is, I want to be with him, but the closer I get to him, the closer I feel to losing him. I mean, just look at what happened last night. Just being there for me almost got him killed..."
Senbonzakura glared at Ichigo, as if studying him for inconsistencies. "You fear losing your closes things." It wasn't a question, but not quite a statement either, and Ichigo stared back, blinking, until a smile crept it's way onto the spirit's face. "You and Master are so very much alike. You know, Kurosaki-sama, you'd be wise to remember that fear means you have something to lose."
"I have everything to lose," Ichigo said unwittingly, shocking himself. "I've never wanted something like I wanted him, not just for myself anyway. He's..." He swallowed hard. "I didn't see him coming. He completely side swiped me."
"He feels very much the same about you."
"It didn't seem like it. He seemed so ready to give us a chance, go against his family. I was surprised."
"He's felt overcame by you since the day you broke me, but for him, you were like a storm he could not keep out. You reminded him that the inevitable death of something should not negate the hope of growth. So he thinks it is an insult to ignore all that you have rekindled in him by avoiding his feelings."
"That is not to say he does not have reservations. He has one hand on the door himself, already expecting the worst. He can not help this part of him, but he's choosing to ignore it, for now. " He paused, shocking Ichigo by running a thumb across his jaw. "But it's different for you, yes? For you, he is like a home that you yearn for, though don't know if you can return to."
He lifted his fingers to brush the soft skin of Senbonzakura's wrist. It felt so much like Byakuya's. He sighed, homesick for his touch.
"Yeah," he said, his voice as unsteady as a set of patchwork pipes.
"You already know what you're going to do," Senbonzakura said, stroking the skin one more time before removing his hand. "You just have to find the courage to go home."
Those words spun in his ears like a lingering whisper until his eyes opened upon Byakuya's desk where he sat doing paperwork.
Ichigo dragged a hand over his face before he looked at the clock. He stood, leaving to check on Byakuya.
….
Up Next: The gala, unworthy and unlovable, I want let them take you.
xXx
A/N: A small note on Ichigo's inner world. I was curious on it's deeper meaning, so I did some research. It represents the idea of "The Hero's Journey." A very common theme found in literature. Basically, it lacks gravity and order to represent Ichigo's youth and how he still doesn't know him self. Whereas Zangetsu represents his "shadow," another common archetype found in literature that's based off of Carl Jung's theory of archetypes. So, to me, it makes complete sense that, the more Ichigo grew, the more his inner world would change.
Tifanny91: I know. He's such a lush. And of course he can't die, but I'm pretty evil when it comes to these two, so you know, I had to put them through a bit of hell. Thanks for your comment love.
siwon611: You have sufficiently ruined me. I now listen to that song at least once a day. They remind me of Florence and the Machine or Daughter. Very good. I'm glad the drain payed off. I've been burnt out lately, but I'm trying not to let it effect my quality of work.
Anonymous Crew: Thank you for sticking with this story. Sometimes it feels like a jumbled mess, so I really appreciate it.
Guest: I think my fics need to come with complimentary packs of tissues. lol
Dust-of-Moon: I'm glad you liked it, love. Enjoy!
Engkantada1905: As always, I appreciate your feed back. I hope you thoroughly enjoy this chapter.
fem-nova: Thank you, love!
Emilytaylor5999: *Blushes* I appreciate you saying so. Sometimes I feel as if I'm laking. So It means a lot. Enjoy! :)