Ianto opened his eyes as he started to pant. He clenched his fist on his chest, trying to make the throbbing pain go away. He drew in a difficult breath as he rolled on his side, and pushed away the arm around his waist. He sat after a while, shaking and freezing even if his skin was burning him. He rubbed his palms against his eyes and sniffed, trying to stop the images from coming to his mind. After a while, he managed to calm down and slowly lay back on the bed. It took him a couple of seconds to roll on his stomach, his back hurting him again. He had dreamed of that damned place, again. More like relived the moment he had gotten the scar than ran down his spine. But far worse, way more painful. Which was saying something. He had heard his sister screaming along with him, and Jack, calling for his lost brother. His parents had been there too, just standing here, judging him with cold eyes. And the pain, the unbearable pain. Was it going to stop one day?
He wiped the sweat from his face with the sheets and sighed. It looked like he wouldn't get more sleep before the next day. Maybe it was better like this, no more nightmares.
But his thoughts. Him, alone with his thoughts, and weren't the nightmares a better solution? He was still processing what Jack had said about his family. Jack knew what it was to lose a sibling. God, he had probably witnessed the slow burning and death of his mother. And he had tried to kill himself. That sounded like a terrible life. He wondered how Jack managed to stay as cocky and smiling as he was, everyday, every single time someone was around. Was he really still not over it?
Of course he wasn't. He would never be. Especially not since he thought it was his fault. He hadn't said much about it, just added that Gray had been under his watch when he had disappeared, so it sure was his fault. Ianto had tried to say otherwise, but Jack had spent years telling himself the same thing over and over, he wouldn't just listen to Ianto. And maybe it was. Maybe it was a bit his fault. But he had never intended it, he had just been young, scrappy and stupid. His mistake had just taken way more from him than any other. God, that was awful.
Ianto closed his eyes when he felt that Jack was awake. He didn't move as Jack kissed his bare shoulder and ran a hand through his hair, but shivered when he put his hand on his back, though carefully avoiding his scar. He froze and Ianto squeezed his eyes shut a bit more.
"I lied," he sighed. He took a deep breath as the hand disappeared from his back. "They didn't know. Not right away. What my power was, I mean. I had one, but they didn't know what. They... experienced... tried things," he eventually said, without turning to look at Jack.
"Ianto..." Jack whispered.
"Please. I... I need to... get this all out," he managed to say, and waited for Jack to say something. He said nothing, so Ianto continued. "They first ran tests with machines but couldn't find anything. Sometimes they were careful, other times they weren't at all. They took all the precautions in the world to try and burn me, see if I could control fire, or freeze me to almost death to see if I could hold the cold," he shivered as he remembered, and hesitated a second before continuing. "This time, they didn't. One of them was old and had become mad with everything he had seen and he was there this day and running the experience," he said way too fast, maybe forgetting to breath. "He put me, face down on a table, and I struggled. The last time I really did try to escape. First, he started to do slow cuts and as I wasn't reacting much, he did deep ones.
"The problem was," Ianto dryly chuckled. "that I was on drugs so I would stop fighting back that much. So of course, I couldn't feel it, not right away. Not with the drugs. When he touched a bone, I felt the pain. It was awful, and everything came all of a sudden, all the pain. He kept going, though I was screaming and crying. He wanted to try. He was persuaded I would heal soon enough. Someone had to pull him away because I was struggling and screaming less and less, because I was slowly dying, bleeding out... That's how I got this one. And that's how they managed to discover my power. They had someone that could heal others. She never got to heal me, because my power was out of control and I was too scared to let anyone approach me. So I kept the scar..."
Ianto eventually turned to look at Jack, who didn't seem to be able to react. He was propped on one elbow, staring down at him, tears running down his cheeks, a look of horror on his face. Ianto put a hand on his right cheek.
"I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I thought I could run away from things. Truth is, I really can't. And I... I need help, Jack. I'm... broken. I don't know how to put it in another way. I'm just... The pain is just awful, and I need... I need you. I'm just trying to survive when all I want to do is live."
"Ianto I... you..."
"I know. I know, I don't have to go through this alone, I am not alone, you're here if I want to talk and... And it's helping, and I... I love you for that, but... But sometimes it's not enough, you see? It's not... you, or anyone, it's just... Too much to bear. I'm not saying I want to... you know. Just... Sometimes you can't do anything, and believe me, you being here is more than enough."
"What are you saying...?"
"Just... Don't blame yourself if you can't help me sometimes, okay? Though you always do manage to make me smile, don't you?"
"Part of my charm, I suppose," Jack smiled, not able to answer something to this.
Ianto nodded and rose up enough to kiss Jack. A chaste but long kiss that Jack only responded to after a while, cupping Ianto's face in his hands. As the kiss deepened, Ianto sighed against his lips and lay back against the bed, not letting go of Jack's lips. He smiled as he brushed his fingers across Jack's ribs, knowing exactly how ticklish Jack was, especially there. Soon enough, Jack grunted, trying to keep himself from reacting, but he pulled back from the kiss to laugh, burying his head in Ianto's neck.
"That's cheating," Jack whispered in his neck, kissing the skin he found there.
Ianto silently laughed and put his arms around Jack, without tickling him, sighing at the light kisses Jack would occasionally give him. He stopped after a while and just lay there, in Ianto's arms.
When Ianto thought he had drifted back to sleep, Jack started to draw a pattern on his chest, something that looked like an eight. He did it for a long time and Ianto didn't ask what he wasn't saying, knowing he was inwardly struggling.
"Did you... Have you ever thought of ending the pain?"
Ianto was going to shake his head, but took his time to think. He shrugged after reflection. "Yeah," he finally said.
"Wh- What happened?" Jack whispered, and Ianto shivered because he could feel his breath against his chest.
"I don't know. I'm a coward, I guess. I almost did, plenty of times, but never truly gathered the courage to do it."
"It doesn't take courage."
"I think it does. I'm not saying it's a good solution, but it takes courage. Once, I knocked myself out by hitting my head against the wall," he scoffed. "It really was stupid, I looked like an idiot. They didn't even have to watch me after that, I was too embarrassed to do anything else. I mean I did get a big bump on the forehead."
Jack silently laughed on him and Ianto smiled, reassured by the shaking body, liking the feeling. Then Jack was back at drawing the same pattern with his finger, and Ianto put a hand on his. Jack looked up, surprised.
"But to answer you, yes. I did, once. I... You know they put people with powers in my cell so I would suppress their powers? I've never controlled it, not before you. Anyway... One was really, really pissed off. He ignored me. I mean, I was just some useless teen, right? I told him the truth. It's not really killing myself, but putting every chances on my side. I told him his only way out was to kill me as... As I asked you. Unlike you, he tried. I was going to die, but they came in, shoot him so he would stop strangling me, and took me away. They didn't even realise I had been the one asking for this... I gave up after a while... I couldn't bring myself to do it again, I still wanted to see my family again, or even the world..."
"I'm glad you couldn't," Jack whispered against his neck, as he had looked away at some point, not able to look Ianto in the eye as he was saying those things.
"I'm glad too," he said, kissing his hair.
"Is your back okay...?"
"Yeah. It's bearable, don't worry," Ianto nodded, tightening his grip on Jack, not wanting him to move away. "Jack... What about you?"
Jack stilled against him and for a moment, Ianto thought he would ignore him or stand up and leave. But he sighed and shook his head.
"Tosh told me to stop. I did."
"I don't understand?"
"I've tried. Oh God I can't even begin to count them... Tosh was a good friend already, and one time I woke up and she was here. And yeah I didn't just wake up, I came back to life. She was just standing there, in shock. She asked me to never do this to myself again. I haven't since."
"Why? I mean if you don't want to talk about it..."
"She was just trying to help, and even if I thought about it a couple more times... I will never forget the look on her face, the worry, disappointment, disgust, bitterness, sadness, contrariety, fear... She was scared of me, and not only what I had just done. You know Tosh, she's the kindest person I've ever met, and it just... broke me to see her like this. Especially because it was my fault. I just..." he took a moment to think, not knowing what word would best fit. "stopped," he finally said, even though it wasn't enough to express what he felt.
"I always thought you were like a father to her."
"Oh I clearly ain't. She's like a sister to me. A big sister. I can't physically die so I can protect her if needed. But she's got all the brain and the... the love I needed. Wow, she really did save me, from everything, even myself, I've never thought about it that way."
"It's kinda cute."
"She's the sweetest."
"Yeah, she is..." Ianto nodded. It probably was the thing they best agreed on. Everyone agreed on this point.
They remained silent for a while, just enjoying each other's presences. Until Jack laughed.
"Sorry I didn't mean to..."
"What's so funny?"
"For a couple that doesn't talk a lot, we do have some pretty deep conversations lately..."
Ianto didn't answer, taking his time to consider the statement. "True," he admitted with a smile.
"Anything else you want to talk about? Now is the time."
"I think that's enough for now."
Jack laughed and nodded against Ianto's bare chest. He ran his hand down his body, carefully avoiding the too recent injury and smiling when Ianto shivered and tried not to react to the touch, to rest it on his waist. He kissed his shoulder and cuddled closer, if possible.
"It feels good. Talking to you," he said in a whisper. "I really do love you, you know? ... Oh you bastard."
Jack sighed as he noticed that Ianto had already fallen asleep. He needed to rest, and Jack was glad he eventually did it, but he could have waited until he was done talking at least!