Long one today, folks!
Note: This chapter has been edited from it's original form for compliance with the M rating on FanFiction. For the full, MA version of this chapter please visit this same story on Archive of Our Own. The story title and chapter title are the same. The author name is DeepLittleSOB. The link to my Dashboard is in my profile.
In the grungy basement of the Roadhouse, Sam's using a power drill to place brackets on a set of piping that needed replacing across the ceiling boards. He knew when he bought the bar that a lot of work needed to be done to it and when he promised Lou he'd do it all himself so they could afford the place he meant it. Now? Now, well, he misses law books and lectures. Maintenance was never a goal of his.
But here he is, getting dirty and working with his hands. This is not all that unlike the whole hunting occupation he had for years, and still has very part time, but at least he can't recall any instances of people dying from pipe work.
"Dinner!"
He grins. "Be right up!"
Sam finishes up what he's doing, getting the pipes secure enough, and heads upstairs.
When he walks into the main area of the bar, wiping the sweat from his brow, he hears a whistling of appreciation clearly aimed at him.
"Mm-mm, love a dirty man that can fix things," Lou smirks from behind the bar, popping the caps off of three bottles of beer as she enjoys the view. Dirt smudged Sam in a t-shirt was one of her favorite incarnations of her man.
"Yeah, Sammy-boy! Looking hot!"
Sam turns to look behind himself at the three regulars in their usual back corner table, already with their cards out and cribbage board pegged.
"Thanks, Ern," Sam huffs a laugh and heads for the bar. He plops into a stool in front of the take-out Chinese food boxes sitting there.
"Hey, he's mine, Ernie," Lou reminds him, placing the beers on their table as always. "Go find yourself your own dirty man."
"Aw, but I like him," Ern creepily comments before bursting out laughing, Ray and Pete laughing with him. "Just 'cause it makes you pissed."
"You guys suck," Lou rolls her eyes with a grin and heads back for Sam. She sits on a stool next to him and passes the right take-out box to him. "Veggies. Chicken. Steamed. Light sauce."
Sam nods and smiles as he picks up some chopsticks and preps them. "You hear from Mari yet?"
"No," Lou says with concern, opening her own Kung Pao chicken and grabbing a fork. "I have no idea what's taking her so long. She should've called early this morning."
"Maybe she got tied up with something," Sam shrugs.
"Better be important… and not some random dude she picked up like the last three times," Lou gripes, taking a bite.
Sam just laughs, recalling the good old days with Dean. He knows that story. "So, pipes look pretty good now. I replaced a whole section. The sinks should be working better but you might wanna get someone professional to look at it all, make sure I did it right."
"I'm sure you did just fine, Giant," Lou brushes off the idea of spending more money.
"Just saying, I'm not much of a plumber."
"Hey, I'm just saying I'm trying to stay afloat around here," Lou reminds. "We only have a handful regulars and hunters barely stop by since they're all over the country. Keeping the lights on can be hard enough."
"But you're doing a really good thing around here," Sam reminds her, knowing the hassle just trying to keep the place open can be tough at times. He wishes Ellen was still alive to give them some pointers. "Ever since the original burned down there hasn't been a home base for hunters like this. You know how much you've changed the job for the whole community."
"Or at least the section of the community that doesn't hate the name Winchester," Lou reminds, eating more of their take-out dinner. "I had no idea how despised you guys had become."
"Well, according a good chunk of the community we opened a hell gate, we started the Apocalypse, and I have demon powers that are awfully suspicious. Oh, and some have a theory that those un-kill-able creatures with the black goo for blood were out there because of us." Sam huffs a disgusted laugh. "Wouldn't you hate us?"
"No," Lou strongly denies. "I like to think I'd be smarter than those assholes and do some actual recon on the subject before I blackball two of the greatest hunters the fucking Earth has ever seen."
"Kinda like you did with Dean when Lizzy started liking him?" Sam arches an eyebrow, challenging her.
Lou stares at him with a blank, angry face. "That's totally different and you know it."
"How is it different!?" Sam wants to know, mouth filled with veggies.
"He was banging my best friend!" Lou reminds. "This was personal. It's totally different when you're talking about someone's heart, you know?"
Sam considers this for a second. "Okay, I can see that."
"Damn straight," Lou says, still remembering that hatred she harbored for Dean for so damn long. Thank god she was wrong. "Dean's just lucky I'm a forgiving person."
Sam nearly spits his food with his burst of laughter.
"What!?" Lou asks, already offended.
"Forgiving!? You!?" He laughs some more.
"Hey! I can be very forgi…."
Lou stops midsentence when she hears the front door of the bar burst open. When she looks she's shocked to see her friend Mari running into the building.
"Lou!" she shouts and heads her way.
"Mari? What the hell? You were supposed to call me," Lou tells her standing up off her stool to talk to the woman.
"Couldn't," she tells her, skidding to a stop in her rush. "Fucking vamp fight. Phone got crushed."
"So use a fucking payphone!" Lou says with outrage that she's been waiting on Mari's findings, and to know Mari was just plain alive and well, for so long.
"Watch you're tone! And when was the last time you saw a working payphone, mother fucker!?" Mari fights back, already pissed for the greeting she's getting.
"The motels you frequent don't have working phones in the room?" Lou keeps pushing.
"And without my phone I don't have your number," Mari reminds. "I don't have that shit memorized."
"You need to start memorizing my number, or at least the number here," Lou scold her like a kid. "You can't just disappear and not contact me. Jesus, I didn't know what happened to you."
"Sorry," Mari says with attitude. "I figured by the age of 31 you'd let me do my thing and just assume I'm fine…."
"The best of us get got sometimes," Lou reminds. "I assume no one's fine."
Mari stays quiet for a second, knowing she's wrong but not wanting to admit it. "You done yelling at me, mom? Or do you wanna know what I found?"
"Spill it," Lou shrugs.
"Dean's at the cabin in Whitefish, just like you thought," Mari lets her know. "I checked in the middle of the night. The Impala's there, car seat and all, so I know he's there with Sammy…." She pauses when her head is filled with confusion. "And… I also saw someone that looks an awful lot like Lizzy."
Lou's face drops immediately, her skin pale. Sam puts his food down and sits taller, turning to face Mari head on.
"Guys, I know," Mari puts her hands out in surrender. "She's gone. And I know you might punch me just for bringing her up…."
"He was with Lizard?" Lou asks, not upset. Just simply shocked.
"Well, no," Mari laughs it off. "I mean, Lizzy's dead. You told me yourself. But the chick he's holed up with looks a hell of a lot like her. Maybe he's just, you know, doing some weird healing thing with a lookalike. People have done stranger, freakier things while mourning loss."
Lou just nods while swallowing the lump in her throat down. Lizzy's out. It has to be her. Her sister found that escape hatch and got out. Holy shit.
"Thanks for checking in on everything, Mari," Lou says. She smiles. "We were really worried about Dean and Sammy. I feel better knowing where they are."
"Yes, thank you," Sam adds in, relief washing over him in so many ways. Dean and Sammy are safe somewhere and Lizzy's out. Lou was right. She found her way.
"No problem," Mari huffs a laugh and sits at Lou's old stool. "Now get me a fucking beer, huh? You owe me for that damn big favor." She drums her hands on the bar top and stares at Lou.
Shit. Lou's dying to jump into the car and head to that cabin now. She's been waiting so long for this information, that Lizzy got out and is safe. She knew her girl would make it. She knew she'd survive.
But Mari's here after helping her in a big way, the bar is open with patrons, two more just now walking in, and she has a couple hunters coming in tonight for the info she dug up for them last week.
Damn it.
"Sure," Lou says and quickly heads behind the bar. She grabs a beer, pops it, and places it in front of Mari. He then nods at Sam to follow her out back. "Be right back, Mari."
"Whatever," Mari shrugs, taking a big swig of beer as she watches some local men, young and cute and blue collar just like she likes them, walk into the bar around eight at night. "I'll be just fine."
"Sure you will," Lou rolls her eyes and heads to the back room, Sam following her. The second they're out of ear shot Lou spins on her heels and stares up at Sam with huge, shocked eyes. "She's fucking out!"
"She has to be," Sam agrees, both their hearts pumping quickly with surprise and excitement. "I mean, we know there's a back exit to Purgatory…."
"And I knew Lizard would find it," Lou tacks on.
Sam exhales hard in a huff while running his hands through his hair, Lou simply looking right back at him. They can't formulate words for a moment as they settle in with the idea that this could be it. Lizzy could be back and the waiting is over. The broken home thing is over.
Lou covers her face with her hands and pushes out a breath, composing herself as she still needs to work. Through her palms she says, "I wanna jump in the car."
"Me too," Sam admits. "But let's finish the night. We can close up after making some much needed money and we can drive through the night."
"Be there by tomorrow night," Lou nods, trying to slow her heart.
"Plus, don't you have the Thompson's coming in for that info you collected for them?"
"Said they'd get in around ten," Lou nods, sighing heavily. "Jesus, she's fucking out."
"And Dean must have known," Sam points out the big, problematic thought he's had since Mari mentioned a Lizzy-a-like.
"That's why he went to Whitefish. Shit, he was waiting for her," Lou figures as she starts to get it. "How the fuck did he know!?"
"I have no idea," Sam admits.
"And how did he know to meet her there!?"
Sam shrugs, having no idea.
"But he definitely knew."
"Clearly."
Lou shakes he head as their brains formulate everything at the same pace. "I'm so confused…."
Lou-Lou! We got some thirsty dudes out here! Come on!
Nodding unhappily, Lou makes a face of anger as she realizes she does in fact have to work tonight, Mari making sure she gets that. "Shit."
"I'll stay and help," Sam tells her. "We close up ASAP, pack up, and drive all night."
"Okay. Yeah," she agrees and smiles small. "I need to see her."
Sam doesn't miss the slight crack in her tone. "We both do. We'll get there as soon as we can."
Lou nods again, composing her anxiety, and heads back out the door, her heart never slowing. Her sister's back and that alone is a miracle, the kind they rarely get.
"Night, dude," Dean says as he tucks Sammy in after story time. He kisses his forehead and hands over the Patriots jersey-wearing teddy bear.
Sammy grabs it tightly and settles in. "Night, daddy."
Lizzy then gets off the bed, putting the book of the night onto the pile on the dresser. She then smiles at Sammy. "Goodnight, sweetie."
"Night, mommy," Sammy says to her as she walks for the doorway. As she closes it halfway she hears him yell to her, "No bed bugs bite!"
She quietly laughs, her heart bursting yet again with his cute words.
When she walks away from the room she finds Dean already in the kitchen with two glasses out. He turns and shakes a bottle of Jameson at her, smirking with a cocked eyebrow as he knows she'll want some.
"You waited until now to let me know that bottle was in the house?" she says with disappointment. Shaking her head at him, she plops down onto the couch and waits.
When Dean reaches her, two fingers of whiskey per glass, he sits right next to her. Leg pressed to hers, he hands over a glass and they clink theirs together silently. He watches her take a sip, eyes closing in pure bliss as she lowers her glass.
"Oh my god, I missed you," she sighs, looking down at the liquid gold in her grasp. "My Jameson."
Dean just quietly laughs at her and lets her settle in. She leans against him, her head on his shoulder, and he can feel her form relaxing muscle by muscle. He lets it happen. She deserves to try and find a way to unwind after being on edge for so long.
"How you doing?" Dean asks, propping his boots up onto the coffee table.
"Good."
"Liar."
"I'm a liar?" Lizzy challenges, picking her head up off his shoulder.
"Oh yeah. Big one," he emphasizes his last words, making sure she gets it. She's been pegged.
Lizzy's eyes dart around the room. "So? Did you expect me to good?"
"Hell no," Dean tells her, angling towards her more. "I just don't want you to lie about it."
"But Sammy…."
"I ain't Sammy. I can handle it. And how the hell can I help you if you're just gonna stow it away and make it eat at you?"
When she gives him a look to say that he does the very thing he's mad at he for, he rolls his eyes.
"Yeah, I know," Dean tells her. "But you're not me. You're L. You don't suppress. You let it out."
"This is… different," Lizzy explains vaguely.
"How so?" Dean wonders. He knows this is bigger than anything she's been through before but he wants her to explain it.
"It's just… there's no way I can explain it. Lou tried and even if what she said was terrible… being there, it's worse."
"I can understand that kinda thing," Dean reminds her. "Hell and all."
"I'm not saying you can't. And I'm definitely not dismissing Hell," Lizzy explains to him. "But just like you can't do Hell justice in words… I can't do Purgatory justice. So why bother?"
Dean nods at this, her way of seeing it making complete sense to him. So he leaves the whole Purgatory experience be. Instead, there's one thing he has to know and she's yet to really tell her about. After a pause, Dean clears his throat. He grabs her free hand in his and gives it a try. "L, what happened to Cass?"
And all her relaxation disappears. He can feel her entire form go ridged with stress immediately.
"I know this isn't an easy thing for you, but I gotta know," Dean says, pain already in his eyes as he's scared of what he might be told. But she knows the importance Castiel had in his life too. He has to know.
Lizzy nods, her chin already trembling a touch. She opens her mouth and closes it again before words are formed, her hand gripping tighter to his.
"Is he alive?" Dean asks her, a spark of hope in his tone.
"I… I don't know," is all she can get out before she blinks and forces the tears to fall.
"What do you mean you don't know?" Dean quietly asks, his tone filled with nothing but concern.
"I mean… I don't fucking know what happened to him," Lizzy admits, voice getting angry easily, her face falling.
"Don't get mad," Dean calmly shakes his head as he looks at her, telling her to relax.
She looks away, sighing with how fast she got pissed off when Dean asked her a question he deserves an answer to. She knows she has to tell him. "We were right there, we were so close…."
Climbing the cliff, the wind picking up as the portal opens further with her proximity, they struggle. It's steep, the dirt and rocks are loose, and the wind becomes stronger and more unbearable as they go. But Lizzy makes it to the top.
Turning around, she looks down at Castiel barely holding on. "Grab my hand!" she leans down and reaches for him.
"Get in first!" Castiel shouts back to her, still clawing his way upwards.
She listens. Lizzy steps into the portal and reaches over the edge again on her hands and knees. One hand still gripping her weapon, she managed to grasp his hand as hard as she can. She starts to pull. "Hurry! Cass, it's closing!"
"Elizabeth!" he yells her name, trying harder but still failing.
"Cassie, please!" she starts to fear as their grip loosen. She's losing him.
"No! Elizabeth!" he yells her name again and their hands slide out of each other's hold. "Elizabeth!"
Castiel falls some feet down the cliff as the portal closes and takes her with it, the terror in his eyes the last Lizzy sees of her guardian angel.
By the time she gets through the story her head is in her hands as she cries, back hunched. Dean's placing their glasses on the coffee table and bringing his arms around her shaking form. He pulls her tightly to himself as she finally shows some actual emotion over everything that happened to her, the last bit of the entire experience clearly the worst part for her.
"I couldn't save him," Lizzy sobs, her face turned into his neck as she cries hard. "We were right there… right there…."
"Hey. Hey, it's okay," Dean tries to calm her with arms around her sobbing form.
"No it's not!" Lizzy yells right in his face as she looks up at him with red eyes, pushing him away from her. "Dean! I should have held on, I should have gotten him out!"
"And you tried…."
Lizzy won't listen as she stands up out of her seat. "Not hard enough!"
"Easy…" Dean puts his hands out to her.
"I promised him! I swore I'd get him out or die trying… and neither of those things happened! What… I mean, what the hell? He was always there for me…." She falls into sobs again at the very idea. "The second I was born Cass was there. And I… I failed… and he's, I don't know what he is." Lizzy walks back a few steps to get away from his confused look. She trips on a Hot Wheels and she huffs in pure frustration. "Fuck!"
Dean's wide eyes watch as she scoops up the car and heaves it across the cabin, it hitting the wall by the refrigerator with force that probably broke the toy.
"I don't even know if he's alive! He could be dead! I killed him!"
She covers her face again and cries even harder this time. Her body shakes with utter sadness, the loss of Castiel still raw and the memories terrible. She can't get past it. All she can see are a pair of pained, scared blue eyes pleading her for help as she lets the angel down so terribly.
Without warning there are strong arms around her form that holds her tightly. The confinement freaks her out at first and she shoves him in the chest, putting a couple feet between them.
Dean's hurt face looks at her with confusion and pain, not knowing at all what to do for her. And it's then that her brain catches up with her actions. She didn't mean to do that. She just went on pure instinct.
"I'm sorry," Lizzy apologizes immediately. "Shit, I'm sorry." She shakes her head, hoping he understands that she didn't mean to do any of that.
Dean just nods once and walks back up to her, hugging her close once more in a way she trusts and knows well. Dean didn't have any words for her in the moment because what does one say to that story? It's horrible and there's no changing that. And seeing her struggle like this, when she tries to do what's right… his heart is shattering for her.
"I miss him," Lizzy admits, her face now pressed to the front of his t-shirt as she pulls her arms around his back. "He tried to do right by me. He did… and I… god, I can't believe I let him down."
"You know Cass even better than me," Dean reminds her. "Do you really think he sees it as you let him down?"
"Doesn't matter. I do," Lizzy admits as she steps away from him to wipe her face down. She takes a deep breath and settles herself, shaking her body out. This is something she learned how to do in Purgatory. It took a lot for her to not break down once a day with the fear and longing she felt. When she finally did have her breaks she needed to gather herself quickly before she became the next target of whatever might be passing by. As a human, she was a favored target… especially with how many monsters she put there personally. She had to be able to control herself when needed. "Okay, I'm okay."
Dean's concerned eyes stare at her with confused shock. "How are you just okay? Just like that?"
"I, uh… I didn't have time to cry in Purgatory. I know how to get past it quickly now. I didn't have time to dwell," Lizzy explains, wiping down her face.
"Well, you do now," Dean reminds her, hands on her shoulders. "If you gotta let it out you know I'm never against that."
"But I am," she shrugs, wiping the stray tears. "And maybe that's a bad thing but for now… this is how I deal."
Add it to the list of things concerning Dean right now. He assumed she'd be a never ending string of outbursts and sobbing… but she's rarely cried for more than a few minutes. This is very much unlike her.
"Stop looking at me like that," Lizzy asks of him, crossing her arms over her chest when she gets self-conscious.
"I'm just worried about you. Like always," Dean admits to her, staying back to give her a second.
"I don't like when you dissect me like that," Lizzy tells him. "I know I'm different and just… please don't make me feel bad about that." She looks at her shoes and wipes her eyes one last time.
"I would never," Dean says to her, hurt that she feels this way. "I'm adjusting to it all just like you." He steps closer to her out of necessity. "L, I would never judge you. Or try to make you feel uncomfortable."
"But you keep looking at me like some charity case…"
"Which one of us ain't a fucking charity case?" Dean rebuts her. "You know how I feel about you. All I did this past year is wait for you and constantly worry about you. I knew you weren't dead. Deep down I always knew you were out there clawing to get back to us… and now that you have…." He sighs and his arms drops to his sides heavily. "I just want to do everything I can to help you when you need it. You've always been there for me. You've always been understanding beyond what I've deserved. I came back from Hell and you were everything I needed. Just, you know, let me do that for you."
Lizzy lets his words seep into her soul before she nods, accepting his explanation. Still hurts but she understands why he's been giving her those looks now. It isn't sympathy or anything patronizing. It's purely honest and it's from a place of extremely strong, very true love. Maybe she does need to give in and let him help.
She just doesn't know how to handle that. She's never been one to ask for help.
"I'm used to being the one helping," Lizzy says with her eyes closed, shamed that she's such a mess.
"I know that," Dean breezily says. "You're married to me, aren't you?"
This makes Lizzy crack a small smile. "I see what's wrong with me, honestly. I know I twitch at every noise. I know I'm… faking so much of my day just to keep Sammy and you, I guess, fooled… although clearly I'm not fooling you."
"You could never," Dean cockily states.
"And I know that… I shouldn't have even tried. You know who I am." She pauses, clearing her throat before mentioning something somewhat embarrassing. "And last night was… not me."
Dean's shoulders drop a full inch as his whole form relaxes a touch. "Thank god. I didn't want to have to say it."
"I was… too much," Lizzy cautiously says. "And if I freaked you out, I'm sorry."
"You did. Well… not when it was happening. I was fine when it was happening, but after… I was a little freaked."
"I took it all too far," Lizzy spits it all out. "I just missed you so much but I'm not used to being gentle anymore. That's a whole speed I haven't moved in for… so damn long." She covers her eyes with a hand, embarrassed.
"I mean, we've never exactly been gentle with each other…" Dean quips quickly, anything to lighten this up.
"You know what I mean," Lizzy cuts off his comments. "I'm sorry."
"Accepted," Dean tells her with a grin, happy to know she's still in there and still his girl. They just need to dig her back out over time. "And, you know… we could always try again, see if we can soften your edges a little." He makes a face to show his very eager willingness to try again.
Lizzy rolls her eyes and smiles, a genuine smile, and Dean's heart rate finally slows. "I'm sure you'd love that."
"Just please, be honest with me," Dean requests as heartfelt as he can while stepping back up to her. He grabs both her hands and looks right at her. "I can't help if you won't let me in."
She nods, easily wanting to open up like that and let him give her the aid she needs despite the difficulty of it. She then presses up on her toes like old times. Dean grins when he sees the move before leaning down to kiss her lips. She used to do that all the time, the move her way of asking for a kiss. He never knew how much he actually enjoyed the corny move until he hadn't seen her do it in so long.
"You wanna hang out for a little bit?" Dean tries to get them back on track. "Drink some whiskey, watch a movie?" He walks over to the stack of movies on the old TV set. "It's not all Sesame Street, Thomas, and SpongeBob. I brought some actual movies too."
"Like?" Lizzy wonders, sitting down on the couch again to retry.
"Uh… Unforgiven. Dirty Harry…."
"So, basically, you have the box set of Clint Eastwood movies I got you," Lizzy understands.
"Pretty much," Dean admits with a smile. "You pick?"
"Never got through Unforgiven the last time you put it on," she shrugs, remembering falling asleep.
"Unforgiven it is," Dean gets giddy and pops it into the cheap, small DVD player he rigged up to the TV that shouldn't be able to handle the technology.
They settle in, Dean once more sitting right up against Lizzy. He grabs their glasses, take a sip, and try again to make the night easier and relaxing instead of filled with fear, memories, and apologies.
By the time the opening credits roll, Dean's arm is already slung around her shoulders and Lizzy's already leaning her weight into him with her head on his shoulder. Not much about all this has been easy but this part of it… well, this part is the easiest of them all.
It's been silent for the first couple hours of the trip. They're only halfway there, hitting slight traffic for a while, and Lou hasn't wanted to do anything but stare ahead at the asphalt and drive.
Sam's uncomfortable with it, especially now that he's finished research on the three cases Lou had open. He sent all the information off that he'd found on his phone during the ride but now, with nothing to distract him, he's concerned about her.
"So."
Sam's usual opening tactic. One word. Short and simple.
"You gonna keep talking or just do the usual Sam thing and just say 'so'?" Lou bites immediately, hating when he does that. Have something to say? Just fucking say it.
"I'm just wondering where your head's at right now," Sam explains himself.
"My head's… everywhere," Lou explains and sighs. "I don't know."
"I'm personally just preparing for the fist to the face I'm assuming I'll get when we arrive." Sam glances at her with that and catches Lou cracking an actual small smile at that.
"Yeah, Dean was super pissed when he left. He's probably been waiting to sock you."
Sam huffs a laugh. "The good old fashion Winchester heart-to-heart."
Lou actually laughs at that joke. Sam feels a little better to hear the sound.
"What are you gonna say to her?" Sam asks once his nerves settle back in. He looks over at her as she watches the road, her face serious with the question.
Shaking her head a little, Lou says, "I have no idea."
"You think she knows that we knew where she was?" Sam wonders aloud.
"Probably. I mean, I went to Purgatory. I knew about the place firsthand and what it takes to get there. I should have known that's where she was."
"And you did. You knew right away," Sam reminds.
"Exactly. And I won't lie to her about that," Lou says, tone sad. "I won't. I just… I have to hope she understands why I didn't do anything."
"How could she not?"
"I don't know," Lou worries. "Dean was incredibly pissed when he figured out that we knew. I just hope she isn't the same."
"I think you know who the levelheaded one of the two of them is," Sam smirks a little and Lou lightens up.
"Someone does need to keep Dean in line," she jokes right back. "And I'm tired of doing it myself. Thank god she's back."
Sam looks down at his lap, thinking. "Should we have told him?"
"Are you kidding me!?" Lou asks loudly, whipping her head to him.
"No, I'm not…."
"He would have popped Purgatory for her!"
"Maybe… maybe not…." Sam tries to defend his brother even though he thinks Lou's probably right.
"Definitely!" Lou shouts. "We made an agreement to not tell him for a reason."
"I get that. But we never gave him the benefit of the doubt…."
"Dean is not a rational person when it comes to Lizzy," Lou keeps going. "He's short-sighted at best and he'll do anything to get to her. You know all the crap he tried when he thought she was dead."
"Oh yeah, I remember," Sam assures her, recalling the talking boards and prayers to Heaven to speak with her, the plan they stopped in which he tried to contact a crossroads demon… and that was what they knew about.
"Now compound that with Dean knowing she's in Purgatory," Lou says strongly. "We all would have been screwed." She sighs. "I know he would've opened a door to that place and the whole world… just monsterville all around." He voice is quieted by the time she finishes her thought.
Sam says nothing, knowing she's more likely than not right about this. Dean's irrational when it comes to his family. Hell, the guy sold his own soul to Hell for him. He makes stupid decisions based on whatever it takes to save his family and he's so selfless it's dangerous. Lou's right.
"I know you feel like shit, Sam… but stop it," Lou tries some more. "We did the right thing and even if they don't see it at first… well, I have faith that they will eventually. That have to. They aren't stupid."
"Well, Lizzy isn't," Sam jests slightly.
"I just hope they let us in when we get there." Lou sighs.
"Are you kidding me?" Sam huffs. "Lizzy'll be so happy to see you. Even if she's pissed."
"That's true," Lou nods. "Fuck, I'm so ready to see her. I hope she's alright. That place… I just hope it didn't do to her what it did to me."
"You're okay now though," Sam reminds. "You recovered. She will too."
"Yeah…" Lou trails off. She recovered… mostly. She hasn't totally. It's just that a place like Purgatory will never let its grip on you go fully. Never. It sticks with you, the feeling of being there and the alertness and constant fear. It's hard to ditch that.
And she doesn't want that for Lizzy.
"Let's just get there and see how she is before we worry too much about it," Sam suggests. "And… it's kinda lame but I'm ready see Sammy."
"Ugh, me too!" Lou relaxes, happy to not be alone on this. "I missed that little shit way more than I thought I would."
"We haven't been away from him for this long since we moved to Kansas," Sam reminds her. "That's a long time. I'm used to being around him."
"It'll be good to get back to him," Lou nods, ready for her little nephew to be in her life again. "Didn't realize how attached I got to him until now."
"Honestly, me neither," Sam admits to her. "It just kind of happened."
"I know," Lou nods. "I got used to being like a parent to the stinker."
"I know. You're really good with him."
"Surprisingly," Lou scoffs.
"No, really. You're pretty good with kids," Sam reminds her yet again.
"Nah. Just my own… or, like, my own family," Lou says, tripping over her words.
Sam smirks, ready to point out what she just said. He opens his mouth to mention it but she stops him.
"I know what I said and you can just shove it, okay?" she stops him before he can start.
"Just saying, Sammy's like your own but…."
"I know what you're saying, so drop it," Lou demands from him.
And Sam just sits in silence, letting them drop it for her sake but his point is made without having to say it. Sam has brought up kids a few times already but Lou always says no, claiming the life will just suck them back in at any second. Sam's comfortable in their current situation. He's confident in it even and once he figured out what his next step career-wise would be he wanted to hopefully start a family since Lou's come around ever so slightly in the past year to the idea. They've talked, Lou's admitted it wouldn't be the worst thing ever, and Sam's pushed her here and there as he knows he has to. They certainly aren't getting any younger at this point and Sammy deserves another kid to hang around, like Dean had Sam.
But for now, baby steps. Literally.
"L?" Dean whispers to the sleeping woman on his shoulder. She doesn't move, her breathing still even and deep. He tries again, reaching a hand to palm her cheek. "L? Wake up."
"Hm?" she asks, eyes opening wide and fast. The second she sees Dean's kind eyes looking down at her she relaxes back into him, avoiding any form of shocking wake up with fear and uncertainty. "What's up?"
"You passed out mid-Unforgiven again." Dean smiles, knowing she's done this repeatedly in the past. Some things haven't changed.
"Can't do it, man," she yawns out and sits up, stretching. Her shoulder pops and Dean winces.
"You're joints make more noise than mine these days," he tells her.
"Probably," Lizzy nods. "Purgatory wasn't exactly cushy and easy."
And there it is. His heart hurts every time she makes comments like that. It makes him feel so… sorry? Horrible? Confused? Angry? Probably all of the above. He can't keep his mouth shut every time these feelings attack him. "L, I'm… I'm sorry all that crap happened to you."
She shakes her head with annoyance. "Did you hurl my ass into Purgatory?"
"No…."
"Then shut up, Hot Shot," she says to him, slight smile. "You have nothing to apologize for. Plus, I only did about a year there. You did forty in Hell. Makes me look like a pussy."
"Not a competition," he assures her.
"I know but still… I'm a lightweight at best," she smiles at him, meaning it.
Dean just smiles right back, getting these genuine glimpses of her in there. Fresh from sleep, she hasn't had time to put her mask on or let the past year's effects seep into her brain. "You called me Hot Shot."
Lizzy narrows her eyes in question.
"Just… been a while," Dean points out.
"You grew a vagina while I was gone." Lizzy laughs a little.
"Watch it," Dean points at her. "I won't take that from you just because you're my wife and went through some recent trauma."
Lizzy just leans a shoulder into him playfully.
"Hey, are you tired?" Dean asks calmly, keeping things even and easy when possible. "You need to head to bed?"
"Um…." Lizzy peeks at the wall clock in the kitchen. "Still kinda early."
"If you need to catch up on sleep it's fine with me."
"I'm okay," Lizzy assures him, still a touch overwhelmed with his attentiveness and need to check on her constantly.
Dean nods slowly once before grabbing her hand in his. "Can we try something?"
Her brow furrows in question. "Like?"
"Like… we go upstairs and this time you follow my lead?" Dean tries, having had time to think while the movie was on and she was asleep. He's seen Unforgiven so many times. It's easy for his mind to wander. And when it wandered it went straight to the last time they were alone. Their night was not what he'd hoped to see from her and he wants to fix that.
"You trying to get in my pants, Winchester?" Lizzy asks with suspiciousness, eyeing him over. He grins.
"Only if you can handle not mauling me again," he responds with a smirk.
"I don't know… looking so good these days, not having being near you for so long… it's hard to keep myself in check." She winks.
"Stop stealing my lines," Dean huffs a laugh at her and stands up, pulling her along. "Let's go."
"Can I just check on Sammy first?" Lizzy asks.
He knows it's unnecessary. Sammy sleeps like a log. But she needs this so he lets her go for it. "I'll meet you up there."
She kisses his cheek and she watches him take the stairs two at a time as usual. Damn it, she loves that man. He's trying so hard and being more patient than she's ever before seen him be. He's something these days.
Creeping quietly to the bedroom door, Lizzy peeks in. Just as expected, Sammy's passed out and his messy dark hair is sticking up over the covers. He looks peaceful and content… everything she's ever wanted for him. She smiles, swallowing the lump in her throat. He's turning out to be a very sweet, very smart little man. Her pride is on overdrive almost every waking moment.
Closing the door a little more, Lizzy then heads up to their bedroom to meet her husband as requested.
When she walks through the door Dean's sitting there at the end of the bed, hands clasps between open knees and his face light and smiling. "He okay?"
"Just as you assumed he was," Lizzy answers, walking over to him. She places her hands on his shoulders and skims over the flannel of his shirt, hands weaving into his hair when she reaches the back of his head. She presses her front to his, leaning in close. She grins at him. "Hi."
Dean doesn't respond to her greeting. Instead, he brings a hand up to her face, cupping her jaw as he looks over her entire face. His eyes land everywhere, from the deep dark brown of her beautiful eyes to the very fine lines that are just starting to form during her last year or so of her twenties. Everything about her…. "My god, you're gorgeous."
Lizzy's face lightens in surprise for the comment.
"You are," Dean repeats, making sure she gets it. He's gotten the distinct feeling that the toll Purgatory took on her has made her confidence in some areas wane. He's concerned that she doesn't see herself in the mirror anymore… and he would know how that feels. He would never want her to have to deal with that. "You're just… you're beautiful."
"Sucking up to me?" she asks, trying to break the tension he created.
"No," he tells her, pure honesty radiating from him as his free hand comes gently to her hip. He slides it down to her thigh and pulls until she gets the hint. Lizzy gets onto his lap, knee to either side of him, and he gets her at eye level. "You just should know how I see you."
Lizzy looks away.
"And you should believe me," he tells her, taking her face in both palms this time and making her look at him again. "Since, you know… I'm always right."
"Oh, you're always right?" Lizzy sarcastically asks, a warm smile on her lips.
"Always, baby," Dean smirks, giving her the lightness she needed just then before slowly pulling her into an unrushed kiss. He doesn't let her move fast, he doesn't let her take over, he just directs their pace and keeps it loving and real. She clearly needs the reminder of how good, how pure their connection can be. Sure, they loved to get down and have fun like the next couple… but, and he'd never admit it out loud, Dean sometimes finds that the whole 'making love' thing is far better than the hair pulling or the role playing. She used to also. Dean knows, deep down, that she needs to remember that.
When he hears her moan softly, something deep and needy, he knows he needs to keep her on this same path. Last night was aggressive and it was her release. He let her have that. But this time it's all about them. It's about recalling what their connection is.
"I missed this," Dean tells her truthfully, kissing her some more. "I missed this side of you."
Lizzy doesn't answer to that. She just keeps kissing him, getting completely lost in the feel of her man. This warm, sweet, somehow perfectly honest feeling is creeping back into her chest, this whole experience having been lost on her after the past year. The ease, the comfort, the knowing. All of it. The night before she had so much tension and anger and fear built up in her and she let it out all wrong, using the one man she loves so strongly in a terrible way. She knows she ruined their first night back together. But now, with Dean moving the languid way he is, his heart clearly wide open to her, she's remembering.
Without warning, Dean's standing up. He holds onto her, a hand on her thigh and the other arm wrapped around her back, and he turns around. He lays her down on her back onto the mattress with total care, treating her like she's fragile.
"I'm not gonna break," she smiles warmly up at him as he hovers above her, crawling over her form until he finds that perfect spot. He kneels between her legs, hips pressed to hers as he looks down at her. This is right where he belongs.
Elbows to either side of her head, he gets closer to her. His fingertips brushing the hair from her face as he grins back. "Oh, I know that. I've tested you before."
"Yes you have," Lizzy nearly growls as she leans up and kisses his jaw a couples times.
"But that's not what we're doing this time," Dean explains to her.
"We could," Lizzy reminds, laying back to cock an eyebrow at him. To drive the point home she roams her hands down his back and gives his ass a playful squeeze.
"No, no, no," Dean smirks as he sits back on his heels and pulls her hands away. He holds them tight, kissing her right hand before telling her, "Not this time."
She doesn't press him and ask what that means. She knows what that means.
When he continues to look at her with those ever expressive eyes, his fierce love for her clearer than ever, she grips his fingers tighter within hers. "Dean… I meant it," she starts slowly, hesitantly. "I-I'm sorry. About last night. I don't know why I…."
"Hey, no," Dean shakes his head slightly. He pulls her hands until he's got her sitting up. He then grabs her face and presses a quick kiss to her lips. "No more apologies." He kisses her again. "We're just gonna make up for that."
Lizzy takes a deep breath and nods a few times, eyes still on his.
"You tell me if you need to stop or whatever?" Dean asks, still a touch nervous about starting anything with her after her wild animal attack the night before. He gives her a serious look as he lets her hands go and runs his palms up and down her denim-covered thighs, making sure she takes that question seriously.
She smiles at him, only a small amount of nervousness still in her tone. "I think I'll be more than fine… but yes, I'll let you know."
Dean's face transitions from a small smile to something else very quickly with that answer. He wants her to know so much about what's happening right now. How he doesn't see a broken woman like she does… because he sees a strong, insanely resilient woman instead. How he can look past the new scars and remember exactly who she was. How he still loves her, even if the last version of her he knew a year ago is not the same as the version she is today. How no matter what she does, what she becomes, what she goes through or what happens to her….
"I still love you," Dean blurts out, the words rushed. He watches her expression soften and he leans down over her, once more on his elbows as she gets onto her back. He presses a loving, sweet kiss to her lips. "I mean it. I will always love you, L."
She full blown smiles with his face just inches from hers, her eyes suddenly looking a little glossier. "It's so good to hear you say that." Lizzy lets out a somewhat shaky laugh as she cups his face with both hands. "I just… for a long time I didn't really know what I'd come back to."
Dean's face screws up in confusion. "What do you mean?"
"I didn't know if time was different there, like Hell or something… and…." She struggles to get the true words out. "What if you… what if it had been years that I was gone? What if Sammy was ten and you were… in your forties… but I was still like this? What if you couldn't wait for me anymore and Sammy needed a mom in his life? What if you had found someone else…?"
Dean cuts her rambling fears off by kissing her. He then scoops an arm under her head and one around her back and holds her tightly like that for a moment. With his cheek pressed to hers, he can feel her chest shaking as he hugs her in. She's telling the truth and it isn't easy. She lived in the nightmare of Purgatory… while living in a personal nightmare of these totally terrifying thoughts for that entire time.
"How could you think there would ever be anyone else?" Dean asks her, kissing her cheek before once more looking down into her eyes. "Whether you're here or not… you're it for me."
"But I want you to be happy…."
"And I'll never be happy without you," Dean gruffly tells her, almost offended at the idea of finding a new woman. "There's no replacing you, L. There's no other woman out there worth bothering with."
Lizzy gives him a slightly skeptical look. "You… didn't? Bother with another girl?"
"No," he easily answers.
"For a whole year?"
"Never even thought of it as an option," Dean admits truthfully, kissing her cheek. Yes, fifteen months of celibacy. "Longest I've ever gone since I lost my V-card."
"Why?" Lizzy has to wonder. "Weren't you lonely?"
"Of course," he explains, kissing the corner of her mouth before staring into her eyes again. "But some other girl wasn't gonna fix that. It would have made it worse, actually. Plus, it didn't take long for me to realize you weren't dead. I knew you were out there. I just had to find you and get you back."
She exhales roughly. "You really would do anything for me… wouldn't you?"
Dean's face remains serious at that. "Yes."
Lizzy reaches a point in which she has to make one of two choices; either cry with love for her husband and his kindness, or kiss him and get their night going, showing him exactly how she feels in return.
Wisely, she grabs Dean's face and chooses option two.
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
And when they're both just a mess of harsh breaths and tangled, lax limbs, the afterglow washing over them quietly, everything is okay. Everything is better. They're still them, even during this, and that's all the comfort either could ask for in life at this point.
Dean rolls to his side when he's sure he must be crushing her under him, his whole form tired and blissed out. Instantly he has a body pressed into his side, a hand on his chest, and a set of lips kissing his neck. He quickly pulls an arm around her shoulders and yanks her in sharply, Lizzy giggling in his ear a bit.
"Okay, you were right… that was way better," Lizzy admits, her hand on his torso roaming randomly as her leg hooks over one of his.
"Damn straight I was," Dean cockily comments back, blowing out another large breath. "Son of a bitch, that was…." He huffs a laugh, never finishing that sentence.
"I know," Lizzy smiles, eyes heavy with tiredness. She's worn out physically and emotionally from the day and the night. "Mm, fucking missed having that."
"Well, you know where I am if you ever want it again," Dean lightly comments, looking to his side and seeing her already looking up at him.
"We're never leaving each other again." She says it without question. They won't leave each other, no matter what now.
"Fuck no," Dean answers back, kissing her forehead and leaning his head back into the pillow under him with closed eyes. He looks ready to crash.
"We better put clothes on before we pass out," Lizzy suggests. "We don't want Sammy getting an anatomy lesson first thing tomorrow morning."
"Shit, good point," Dean says, immediately sitting up and getting out of bed. He pulls on some boxers and a t-shirt, Lizzy grabbing some shorts and a tank, before they meet back in bed. They cuddle up like they always used to, Dean on his back with Lizzy curled into his side.
He hears her sigh with such contentment by his side that Dean's pretty sure he's never felt this level of contentment before now. And thankfulness.
"Everything's gonna be good, L," Dean tells her as he feels an arm wrap around his waist. He pulls the covers over them and they settle for the night, Dean again kissing her forehead. "You're gonna be fine."
And for the first time since she got into that portal Lizzy actually believes that might be true.