In the middle of the night Lizzy wakes without a harsh start for the first time in far too long. Her eyes flutter open easily when something wakes her. There's no sound in the cabin or outside it but she can feel something is just a little off. Not threatening, just off.
Tilting her head up as she lays on her side, she looks at her sleeping husband. She's still curled into him, an arm around his middle as he's on his back and a leg tangled with his. Dean's arm around her shoulders, pulling her close even in his unconscious sleep, is warm and perfect. He has his head leaned down to hers and he looks so serene and content… so happy when relaxed and resting. She always thought he looked most like himself while asleep.
Lizzy smiles softly. This is what all that fighting and scrambling was for. She loves him. With every fiber of her being she loves him. Never more than now. To know he waited, he searched, he never gave up, and he did as she asked, raised their boy better than well and got him out of hunting, makes her feelings stronger.
With the pads of her fingers she very lightly traces the lines of his face, sighing. He's beautiful. She always knew, as well as anyone that ever laid eyes on him, he was exceptionally handsome, the kind of level only the Brad Pitts and David Beckhams of the world got to be placed into. But it's more than that. His heart is beautiful, despite its tarnish. His soul is good, despite its holes and permanent damage. Everything about him is beautiful, not just the shell. She wishes other people could look past the gruff and handsome exterior to see all of him, but at the same time she feels special for being one of the few that has that view.
The shuffling of small feet makes her freeze. Fingers stalling on Dean's chin as she lays there with him, she knows someone or something's in the room.
Deep inhale and Lizzy turns around sharply to look towards the edge of the bed, ready for whatever it might be.
"Sammy?" she whispers out, wanting Dean to stay asleep if he can.
The little boy just stands there, his small form clenched around the teddy bear he brought up with him from his room. His hair is messy again and he's clearly been asleep for a while, lines on his cheek from his pillow case. The moonlight coming through the window blinds lets her see the reflection of two tear trails on his small cheeks.
"Baby, what's wrong?" Lizzy asks him gently, shifting away from Dean when Sammy doesn't answer her.
"Bad dream," Sammy says quietly, his voice a dry sob and it breaks her heart.
"Oh, sweetie," Lizzy starts and reaches for him. She pulls him up under his arms and places him into her lap. He turns towards her as he sits there, her arms around him, and he presses his face into her shoulder. "What happened?"
"I was lost," Sammy says to her in a quiet, still scared voice.
"Sammy?" they both hear Dean say his name as he wakes up with the conversation.
"Daddy," Sammy sobs out and immediately ditches Lizzy. Dean sits up tall next to his wife as Sammy scrambles for his father. He needs his father.
Yes, Lizzy understands why Sammy would prefer his dad right now. He knows him better, can trust him fully, and she's been gone for so long. But it hurts to watch him practically leap off her lap to get to someone he trusts more. The little boy would never mean to hurt her but… he really just did.
"Big guy, what happened?" Dean asks as Sammy's arms come around his neck and he clings tight as he can. The light on the nightstand turns on when Lizzy decides that maybe the dark wasn't great for Sammy right now.
"Can't find you, daddy," Sammy tells him, collapsing in sobs all over again as if it all just happened.
"Couldn't find me where, Sammy?" Dean very calmly questions as he holds his boy tight, feeling his shaking. As he asks he notices the look on Lizzy's face. She's just short of devastated and he gets it. Sammy preferred him when upset. That's not an easy pill to swallow.
"Store," Sammy answers, his face pressed to Dean's neck now as he clings to his dad like a spider monkey.
"Oh, dude," Dean lightly complains and pulls Sammy back a bit to look him in the eye. "We talked about this. That was a while ago."
"It scary," Sammy sobs out, his breath hitching with his crying.
"I found you, didn't I?" Dean reminds him.
Sammy doesn't answer, just hugs his dad again and cries.
Dean sighs and rolls his eyes, making Lizzy understand everything right then. "This isn't a new thing, is it?"
"No," Dean shakes his head, leaning his cheek onto the top of Sammy's head, the dark hair against his face such a contrast. "About two months ago Sam and I took him to the grocery store to grab stuff for dinner. We split up when we got there, I was on meat duty, Sam on veggie duty. We were in such a rush that I thought he was with Sam… Sam though he was with me."
Lizzy's sympathetic face looks back at him and he feels relief.
"You're not pissed?"
"Parents aren't perfect," Lizzy reminds him. "Honest mistake."
"Yeah, well, I felt like crap when I met back up with Sam and didn't see Sammy anywhere," Dean tells her, the memory obviously affecting him as his arms tighten around the small form that continues to cry. "I… I panicked. Completely lost my mind. I started yelling for him and sprinting around the store like a psycho. I swear, L… I've been scared a lot in my life, but that?" Dean just shakes his head and doesn't finish the thought.
Lizzy just reaches out and places her palm on Dean's jaw, his eyes closing as he's grateful for her understanding.
"You're a great dad, but no dad is perfect. Mistakes happen. And you found him, didn't you?" Lizzy reminds.
"He was with some woman in the cereal aisle," he explains. "I could hear him crying from half a store away. When he saw me he nearly sprung out of her arms and onto me. He cried the entire way home and I couldn't put him down for the rest of the day. Even slept in my bed that night."
"Was that for him or for you?" Lizzy asks without accusation or judgment. He shoots her a look. "Come on. Be honest."
"Both," Dean begrudgingly admits before letting out a deep breath. "I mean, all the crap I've gone up against… and that was what put me over the edge."
Turning to face them better, she once more smiles sympathetically as Dean continues to let his upset son cling to him. "It was a mistake," Lizzy repeats, her voice loving.
"But look what it did to him," Dean says to her, his eyes showing the pain he holds over this. "He has nightmares about it all the time. Like, once every couple of weeks. And sometimes, like now… it's really bad."
Nodding, Lizzy can see why this has effected them both so much. Sammy keeps dreaming of that frightening moment, the fear of being lost coming back and terrifying him. And every time he's reminded of the fear he had back then, Dean's smacked with guilt for the damage he feels he inflicted on his own boy.
And now there's Lizzy… unable to figure out how she fits into this whole thing. She feels like she's on the outside of a very intimate, very bonded moment between them. And that's what's been hurting the most. Dean and Sammy are best buddies. Lizzy is the new intruder.
While Dean starts to talk Sammy down, quietly reminding him that he'll never lose him again and that it's over, Lizzy moves a bit closer to them, now on top of the covers.
Immediately, Dean reaches for her hand. He takes it and places it on Sammy's back, getting her to rub soothing circles there and making sure she's involved in this. Their child has a fear that won't leave him alone. They need to be there for him, both of them.
"Sammy, sweetie?" Lizzy tries to get his attention. Sammy peeks at her a little, barely lifting his head off of Dean's shoulder. "Daddy would never leave you. He made a mistake but the second he didn't know where you were he came right for you, didn't he?"
Sammy's head nods slightly.
"I know it was scary for a little bit but, Sammy… you have the best daddy there is. He would never leave you. Never. He loves you more than anything."
He makes a little whining sound and buries his head into Dean yet again, curling closer to Dean and further from Lizzy. Dean's face crumbles along with his heart.
Lizzy has to try again. "You want some water, kiddo? Maybe some milk?"
The sound he makes isn't a decipherable sound yet Dean understands him.
"Milk," Dean tells her in translation.
Lizzy nods a little, seeing just how deep their bond is. Dean even speaks Sammy-ese. "Alright, come on, baby."
She reaches for Sammy but he just whines yet again and grips onto Dean even tighter than before, making it clear he needs to be with his father right now.
And now it's Dean's turn to watch Lizzy crumble with heartache. The way Sammy flinched away from her makes it look like someone just shot her in the chest.
"L, it's not that he likes me better or anything," he tries to curb her upset when he sees it. "He's just, you know…."
"It's fine," she lies completely. "I understand. I'll get his milk."
Lizzy leaves the room quickly in order to hide for a moment after the painful realization. This is what she should have expected. This is exactly what she should have assumed would happen. It's been Dean and Sammy for over a year and for all of Sammy's memories. How could she expect her boy to just accept the stranger that suddenly popped into his life claiming to be mom? It's not a light switch. He's just a child. This whole mess will take time to sort out.
But it hurts so much. Nothing has changed for her. She still wants to be there for Sammy just like before she left and she needs to have him depend on her like any mother would. But he doesn't know her. She lost 15 months with him and now, after missing his first steps, first big words, first sentence, haircut, and all the uncountable rest… she needs to find a way to accept that this will be a long process.
The last two days just went so well. She couldn't believe how Sammy opened right up to her, called her mommy, let her read him books and fell asleep on her shoulder. But that wasn't all that counts. When he's scared, in need… it's daddy he needs. There's a clear line there. Lizzy is fine for breakfast making and playing on a playground… but when Sammy needs comfort she isn't that for him.
She's not Dean. She's not daddy. She's absentee mommy. And it's so painful.
Gripping the side of the small counter on the first floor, looking at the already poured sippy cup of milk, she hunches her back and lets out a long sigh. She wants to cry. She doesn't.
Instead she sucks it up and turns back for the stairs. She isn't needed much right now but this is the small offering she can manage so she'll do it.
When she sits back down on the edge of the bed, keeping a distance at first as she's a bit nervous to upset Sammy anymore, she realizes his sobbing has stopped. Now he's just making noises of slight upset as his back hitches now and then. Dean's leaning against the headboard, eyes closed as he rubs Sammy's back, his head still leaning down onto his boy's.
Dean's eyes open when he feels the mattress move. The sad smile he gives her makes the whole situation feel so depressing. Unable to help it, Lizzy leans in and kisses his cheek.
"You didn't do anything wrong," she whispers to him, reminding him to stop beating himself up over one mistake. She already knows with the look in his eyes that he won't stop. Not when Sammy's still affected by it all.
"Come 'ere, kiddo," Dean says lovingly to Sammy as he pulls him away from his shoulder for a second. Sammy whines when he thinks he's being pushed away but he quiets once Dean turns him and pulls him back into his lap, letting him curl up into his chest like he did as a baby. "You okay, big guy?"
Sammy doesn't answer that, just curls into his father and tries to leave as little space between them as possible. Lizzy hands Dean the cup and he takes it.
"Here," Dean offers and Sammy reaches out for the cup. He grabs it and starts to drink it quickly, something soothing about it helping to calm him down.
Lizzy just smiles sweetly at the two of them. Even if she's on the outside she's still included, still right there for all of it. To see them like this, it warms her heart.
"I'm sorry," Dean mutters and Lizzy only assumes it's to Sammy… until she meets his eyes. He's looking right at her.
She shakes her head, not knowing why he's sorry.
"I know it sucks," Dean tells her, having observed her as much as Sammy during all this. "We'll get back there, momma. I promise."
Her face saddens. "I know."
"You don't," Dean speaks the truth he sees. "But I swear, L. He'll figure it out. It'll take time but he will."
She swallows hard and slowly makes her way closer to them, sitting right next to Dean against the headboard. Cautiously, she reaches over and places a hand on Sammy's knee. He doesn't flinch or move, just continues drinking from the sippy cup and letting Dean hold him.
"I hope so," Lizzy whispers, head on Dean's shoulder as she rubs Sammy's knee comfortingly. "I just want to help."
"You are," Dean promises, kissing her head and settling in. The three of them don't speak for the rest of the night, just sitting there until Sammy falls asleep in Dean's lap and they all stay in bed together for the night.
"Ugh," Lou complains, finishing off the terrible breakfast sandwich.
Sam laughs at her as he eats his in the passenger seat. "We could have stopped."
"No," Lou refuses, crumpling her wrapper up and dropping it in her lap. Hands on the steering wheel, she tells him, "Would have taken too long."
"It would have taken an hour tops," Sam laughs, mouth full.
"And then it'd be an hour later that we get there," Lou reminds him. He wanted to pop into the truck stop diner they came across when Lou filled the tank to give the road a rest but she just wouldn't do it. She was too anxious. All meals had to be in the car while it was moving its way to Montana. No time to stop.
Sam sighs, lowering his breakfast for a moment to look at her. "I know you're excited to see her."
"Damn straight I am."
"But… she might be pissed," Sam tries to prepare her yet again.
"Maybe… but she'll be happy to see me at the same time so it doesn't matter," Lou tells him with a stone face, sure of it.
Sam shuts up about the topic right then. Not worth upsetting her any more. "So what do you want me to get to first when we get back? Books or the big cooler?"
"Cooler," Lou easily answers. "I need cold beer to sell or else there won't be any money to account for in any of the books."
"Fair enough," Sam laughs at her and keeps eating now that she's distracted. "What did Mari say when you left out of nowhere?"
"Nothing," she shrugs. "She knew we'd go after Dean. She told me I sounded super freaked on the phone when I called asking for help so she knew we were anxious to find him and Sammy."
Sam smiles and looks out the windshield, taking a big bite of sandwich to finish his off. Lou catches it out of the corner of her eye.
"What was that?"
Sam looks at her with big eyes. Busted. "Nothing."
"Bullshit nothing," Lou calls him out. "Your voice goes up every time you lie."
"No it… doesn't," Sam tries to say, his voice elevating and he knows it.
"Oh it doesn't?" she sarcastically challenges, looking at him with a grin.
"Alright, fine," Sam sighs, killing his bite off and putting the wrapper in the paper bag at his feet. "I was just thinking about how nice it is that you and my brother actually get along these days."
"We've gotten along for a while," Lou rebuts.
"Not like you have the past year," Sam tells her. "It's been different and you know it."
Lou thinks quickly on the past year, nodding a little. "Yeah, maybe it's gotten better."
"It has."
"Well, I saw a new side to Dean this past year."
"I think we all did," Sam admits, still surprised by it all. "But it's good to have peace between my wife and brother is all."
"Peace, huh?" Lou laughs, thinking it funny that they've made a peace between them.
"Well…." Sam thinks about it….
He closed up the bar for her. On a Saturday night. What was he thinking?
Every now and then the old timer/hunter watering hole would get slammed by the random younger crowd in town. They get bored drinking in backyards and wooded areas and need to get into a bar. Being that there's only three bars in the entire town they currently live in, sometimes they get hit by a crowd.
Sam's not his best with a crowd. He was doing just fine with Ern, Pete, and Ray in the back corner playing cribbage, Jack and Don drinking at the bar and sharing hunting war stories with him, and a couple other small groups of three or four filtering in and out. But the group of nearly fifteen people in their early twenties that can drink like fish and need constant attention for shots, more beers, and change for the pool table put him on his ass.
But Lou was looking run down. She insists on keeping the bar open seven nights a week, never wanting a hunter coming in from god knows where to be shut out of their refuge. Hell, she even has a couple rooms in the back converted into motel-like rooms she lets hunters use for free when they're in town. She'd rather they buy beer and stay for free then use their cash on a local motel.
She's smart. And she's tired. So Sam made her stay home after a quick bickering moment in which he told her he knew what was best for her and she should learn to listen to him. He then handed over a fifth of Jack and said relax for the night. She easily acquiesced once the Jack Daniels was cracked.
But now Sam is wiped. And he knows he has to go in with her tomorrow morning to check on Jack and Don (they took the rooms for the night thankfully after getting wasted) and clean up the place. And get his pickup truck. He was bought a few too many shots by the young crowd. He walked home.
Walking through the front door, Sam closes and locks it up. He then shrugs out of his jacket with groan and kicks his boots off, placing them in line with the rest by the door.
"Shut up!" he hears Lou giggle out of nowhere and it surprises him. They've been here for over a year and rarely has he heard her sound like that. He then pays more attention to the situation, hearing the Tom Petty playing as a guitar is strummed sloppily from the living room.
When he walks in he finds Dean with Lou's guitar in his hold on the couch, Lou next to him with a massive smile on her face.
"Hey," Sam greets them both with a surprised face.
"Hey, honey!" Lou brightly returns with, her tone too bright.
"You're drunk," Sam says with a smile as he looks at her very happy demeanor. He then peers at Dean and sees the dopey face. "So are you."
"What are you, the drunk police?" Dean asks, reaching for his empty glass and grabbing the half-full Jameson bottle on the coffee table.
"No, Dean. The police are generally the drunk police," he jokes back, sitting into the recliner in the room next to Dean.
His brother pours a hefty glass of Irish whiskey and reaches out to Sam. "Here."
"I thought you guys would be drinking the Jack I bought," Sam mentions and grabs the glass, unsure he wants to drink anyways.
"Did," Lou tells him. "And now it's gone."
"So, on to… this," Dean tells him, pointing at the bottle. Dean always had a bottle of Jameson around. It's been one of the little things he's done to keep Lizzy around.
"Jesus," Sam shakes his head, placing the glass on the coffee table. "I was hoping you'd be sober."
Dean wrinkles his face. "Why?"
"I knew she'd be drunk," Sam smiles at Lou, she grins back. "And a young crowd came by tonight and bought me about a million shots."
"Oh no," Lou says to him, feeling bad instantly. "The same group I told you about?"
"They missed you," Sam tells them. "I guess you pour a heftier shot."
"They drink so much! Are you tanked?" she worries.
"Not tanked… but I walked home," Sam tells her. "I'll go in with you tomorrow and clean the place up. I didn't even bother."
Lou shrugs, never mad at delaying responsibility for drinking purposes.
"So… all three of us are drunk?" Dean worries aloud, concerned that if anything happens with Sammy that no one would be sober enough to deal with it.
"I'm tipsy," Sam assures. "I'm good if anything happens."
"Good," Dean accepts that and looks back down at the guitar in his hands. He strums a few cords, having actually had time to practice in the last year.
"So, what have you two been doing?" Sam sits back, gets comfortable and looks at the two of them. "Besides drinking."
"We planned something for Sammy's birthday," Lou lights up. "Since it's in a couple weeks."
"Oh yeah?" Sam asks with hope, glad to hear positive things coming from Sammy's birthday, even if he knows Dean with have an exceptionally rough day.
"Yep," Lou tells him, propping her bare feet onto the coffee table. "We were thinking of meeting up at the park, doing a whole picnic thing."
Sam nods, liking the idea.
"'Cept that we got no one to invite," Dean comments, still just farting around on the guitar and not looking up.
"I can call Mari, see if she's near," Lou offers.
"And that officer that's got a thing for you," Dean offers, laughing. He looks at Lou. "We got a police guy on our side."
"So fucking weird," she laughs right along.
"What about the neighbor kids?" Sam suggests. "There's, like, six kids on this street alone."
"We barely know them," Dean points out.
"Only one way to get to though," Sam offers up. "Why not?"
There's a pause as the three contemplate actually ingraining themselves into the neighborhood… into the world, really. The idea is frightening but exciting… and uncomfortable.
"Fuck it!" Lou suddenly burst out with. "Let's fucking be a part of society! Let's have a real birthday party for Sammy!"
Dean just places the guitar on the side of the couch and shrugs. "Whatever. The kid deserves a big day so what the hell?"
Sam just smiles, liking that they're all agreeing to this idea. "And it should be fun. I mean, when was the last time we had fun?"
"Dean had fun last weekend," Lou mentions, looking at the man and trying to catch his reaction. He's already ditched them twice, leaving Sammy with them for the night to disappear. She and Sam assume he's finally blowing off steam and possibly going out drinking and finding some girl to get some frustrations out with. She wants to know if they're right.
In his seat, Dean grows quiet. His sights lower as his face falls. He knows they just figure he's hooking up with randoms but he hasn't been. Not at all. "Yeah," he sighs, not really giving them a confirmation or denial. He stands up and shakes his head. "I'm drunk. I better hit it before Sammy wakes me at seven."
"Or earlier," Sam huffs a laugh.
"Yep. Night," Dean says, the sullen mood he's now in taking over as he shuffles his feet to the stairs, looking forward to his room and quiet… and no assumptions.
"Night, Dean," Lou says back pleasantly as she sits back in her seat and closes her eyes. She sighs when she hears the door upstairs close and the house grow quiet. "I made him sad."
"That's not exactly hard to do these days," Sam gives her an excuse as he stands up from his chair.
"I know… I just wanted to know what he's been up to," Lou tells him. Her hand gets grabbed and she opens her eyes to see Sam pulling her to her feet.
"Me too. But don't push it, huh?" Sam tells her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and pulling her in. "It's his thing. He's been doing alright. Let's just let it go."
"Okay," Lou nods, listening to his suggestions. "I'm just worried about him."
"Me too," Sam nods, smiling slightly at that. He loves how they've finally come together and seen eye to eye.
Lou sighs and moves on once she gives Sam a good look. She's concerned with how tipsy he got at work. "How did it really go tonight?"
"Busy. Made some money. No one got arrested."
Lou's eyes widen. "Perfect."
"The bills will get paid," he smiles, leaning down to kiss her. She kisses him back easily, her hand reaching up into his hair and pulling his head down closer to her.
"Mm," Lou enjoys, kissing him more. "Come on. Let's go."
"Yeah?" Sam delights, knowing she's in the mood that quickly. How lucky did he get?
"Oh yeah," she nods. "When was the last time we had stupid, sloppy, drunk sex?" She grins and starts for the stairs.
Sam just smirks a moment, ideas already churning in his head, and he rushes for her. He scoops her up easily and runs up the stairs, Lou giggling the entire way.
"Yeah," Sam confirms his thought. "You guys are practically friends. You teach him to play guitar, you work on cars together… you planned Sammy's birthday together. That's pretty huge considering where you two once stood."
Lou stares at the pavement for a minute. "I just don't think we ever had the opportunity to really get to know each other until… Dick friggin' Roman got ganked."
"That's probably true," Sam agrees easily. "I mean, you get to know people when you work a hunt with them but it's not like you get a lot of bonding time while chopping heads."
"And we hardly hunted together," she reminds him. "Dean was just the guy my sister married. I didn't mind him after a while… I just never really knew him. Or gave him much of a chance." The last part she says with guilt.
"Which was a shame because you two are the same fucking person," Sam partially gripes.
Lou makes a disgusted face.
"What!? You are!" Sam says to her when she wants to deny it.
"We're only kind of alike," Lou says.
"The denial is strong in this one," Sam comments seriously from the passenger seat, a moment later Lou's crumpled wrapper hitting him in the cheek. He laughs. "You're in denial, Lou. Admit it."
"Fuck that," she grumps, gripping the wheel tighter.
"The next thing you're gonna do is tell me to shut my cakehole and turn up the music so we can't talk about it anymore," Sam makes fun, unable to stop. Her white knuckle grip and sour face is a perfect mirror of what Dean's reaction would be to this very conversation.
Lou's deadpan face turns to look at him for a short beat. "You think you're downright hilarious, don't you?"
Sam considers it, making a face. "A little funny, yeah."
Lou shakes her head and watches the road as she very begrudgingly admits, "Alright, fine. So… maybe Dean and I have… similar personalities. Sometimes."
"And likes."
"Fine. And Likes…."
"And dislikes," Sam keeps going, earning one pissed of expression. "Sorry." He holds his hands out in surrender. "Why is it so bad that you're like my brother?"
Lou sits there, driving and ignoring.
"Lou, he's not a bad guy. You know that now," Sam reminds. "And you both give a shit about each other nowadays, which is quite the miracle if you ask me, but you still get weird about being like him. Why?"
Lou thinks hard before answering, knowing she doesn't want to badmouth Dean and upset Sam. "I just… Dean's able to do things that scare me. I don't want to think that I'm so much like him that… given the situation… I would act like he has."
Wrinkled brow, Sam's confused. "What're you talking about?"
"He ditched Lizzy, for one," Lou explains herself. "He just left her hurt and heartbroken. No explanation. No nothing. I don't want to think that I could ever do that to someone I love."
"You couldn't," Sam simply tells her.
"But Dean could," Lou keeps going. "He could also hunt down Leviathan and let his family crumble despite Lizzy begging him to come home. He also…." She stops for a moment, unsure if she should even bring it up. Screw it. She's been working on her honesty, hasn't she? "He went to Hell and became the very thing we hate. He tortured people. He… fuck, I just don't want to be lumped in with that."
When the car grows very quiet aside from the Mumford and Sons playing in the background, Lou knows she may have been a touch too honest. An entire year to try and smooth her sharp edges and here she is, returning to the quick-to-bite personality she always had ever since entering the whole hunting world.
"I'm sorry if that was really harsh," Lou apologizes to Sam. She understands the bond he and his brother have and if someone just spewed that crap about Lizzy she's be super pissed off herself.
"You're just being honest," Sam tells her, his tone suddenly smaller as he looks down in his lap, fingers fiddling with the wrapper she threw at him. "And I know my brother's not perfect. I know he's fucked up in the past. Royally."
Lou doesn't respond, knowing she already said enough. No need to add to it.
"But he's also a really good person, despite it all," Sam tells her. "I know that when you look at Dean you see what you see. I know that. But you don't see it all. You didn't see him giving up everything growing up, everything, to make sure I had just the bare minimum to get by. You didn't see him kick the crap out of some kid that bullied me at school when I was a four foot nerd that loved Star Wars too much and then got himself expelled for it and had to tell dad… or when he got arrested for stealing peanut butter and bread because we didn't have money to buy more food."
Glancing at Sam, seeing the slight smile on his face at the memory, she just listens as he speaks.
"You never saw him check my homework over before going to bed or the way he stood up to dad and stuck up for me days before dad died… especially when that was probably the scariest thing he'd ever done up to that point. And you didn't see the depressed, guilty mess he became when he left your sister without a word." Sam looks at her for this one. "He was a disaster. And he did it for her. He just wanted her to find a way to move on from him without having to know he was stuck in Hell. Even back then, when they were new, he knew she'd never recover from that so he couldn't tell her… for her own sake."
That guilt creeps back into Lou's heart with that.
"Same thing when the Leviathan were around. He just couldn't bare being the one to stick around and hurt his family more. He'll always do what's right for someone else over his own self. He hurts himself constantly just to be sure others are good. He's been doing that since dad shoved me in his arms and told him to run out of our burning house. That's who he is. I don't think it's fair you fault him for that. You should be flattered that I think that highly of you, to say you're like him."
Lou can't speak. How could she? He's always tried his hardest to get Lou to understand that Dean's a good guy, one that she shouldn't look to with any kind of disdain despite his mistakes in life. But he never was this articulate about it. She knew their childhood was rough, she knew Dean always thought he was doing what was right… but she still thought he was selfish to a degree.
Maybe she's been wrong about him completely. She did see a completely new side to him once he crawled out of the bottle this past year. He's been loving, real, and he's smiled a lot recently. Dean's been through so much… and he still does everything for others.
"And don't ever judge a person by what they do under extreme circumstances," Sam tacks on, his voice going dangerous a touch. When Lou looks at him he has a stern look on his face, eyes hard on her. "You've never seen Hell. Trust me… everyone breaks. Everyone becomes something else there. No one can fight it."
And there it is. Lou feels about two foot tall at best. This reality check is a long time coming. Lou's stubborn, she knows that and has had to reluctantly accept that about herself through the years, but right now she'd give anything to ditch that side of her.
"I'm sorry, Sam," she tells him, voice tiny.
"I get why you feel the way you do," Sam reminds her. "Dean's tough and if you aren't looking at him from the inside… he's a pain in the ass. And a jerk. But I like to think you're better than that. That you care enough to see the real Dean. He's a good guy." Sam looks out the side window before adding, "A great guy."
Waiting a few second, Lou smiles slightly. "I'll never tell him you said any of that."
"Thanks," Sam huffs a laugh and smiles a little. He peeks back over at her and throws the wrapper ball back at her, getting her in the head.
"Hey! Driving here!" Lou complains, grabbing and throwing it right back. Sam bats it away, the wrapper landing in the back seat.
"You sound like Dean," Sam quickly smirks out.
"Shut up," Lou laughs hard at that after the tense conversation. "And I am sorry, Sam. You know I'm still working on… everything."
"I know," Sam says fondly to her. She's been trying so hard this past year to take the harshness out of her personality. He's been proud of her, seeing her grow so much as a person. He's always loved her but now… hell, he now really likes her too. She's not only fun to be around but she's easy to be around. He likes to think marriage did that to her but he knows it's more like she's had time away from the hunting world, the world in which a difficult personality comes in handy. She's had time to relax and be the Lou that she once was. "Don't worry. I still like you."
"Fucking better," Lou smiles, reaching out blindly for his hand. He takes it and Lou weaver her fingers into his tightly. "You're stuck with me now, hubby."
"Great," Sam jokingly says with sarcasm and they smile at one another. Yeah, this year was very good for them.
All morning it felt like Lizzy was watching a movie. It's staring Dean and Sammy Winchester and she was the spectator. She got to observe them cuddling in the morning when Sammy first woke them up. They then made breakfast together, Sammy held sitting on Dean's hip the whole time. Then it was followed by SpongeBob on the couch, Dean's arm around Sammy's shoulders as they watched, and playing with the many toy cars lying about the cabin flood, Dean quizzing him on make and model from time to time.
Again, it was heartwarming to see for Lizzy. They get along beautifully and when Sammy's had a moment of uncertainty he can be sure to get comfort from his father. The two look-alikes are best friends through and through and they very clearly need each other.
But Lizzy is once more left out. She's forced to watch the whole lovely morning play out from her place at the breakfast table across from the pair… or from the couch… just anywhere not too close to Sammy. Every time she comes near she sees him visibly lean closer to Dean, making it clear there is only one person he needs right now.
When naptime comes around she stays away, having given up on trying. It's too painful to get rejected by your own son to keep letting it happen.
After Dean puts him down, waiting in bed with Sammy until he falls asleep, he walks out into the living room and starts to clean up a little. He grabs an empty sippy cup from the coffee table and looks at Lizzy whose eyes are glued to the barely coming in television. "You didn't want to put him down with me?"
"Why bother?" she says without looking at him, concentrating on the local midday news.
"Well, you put him down with me yesterday," Dean points out. "Figured we could make that the norm since you're back now." He walks to the sink and drops the cup in.
"He doesn't want me today," Lizzy tells him, never looking at him. "He needs you. Only you."
Leaning back into the sink edge, he looks at her. Stiff posture, wrinkled brow… she's ignoring him. Lizzy's upset.
"I told you this wasn't about not wanting you."
"Bullshit, Dean," Lizzy says, glancing at him. "I come near him and he flinches. Apparently I'm fine for cupcake runs and reading books. But when shit gets real…?" She just shrugs and looks back at the TV.
Dean sighs at that. He's deflated and exhausted. All morning Sammy was a stage five clinger. He wouldn't leave his dad's side after a reminder for that scary day. But in the process of trying to keep Sammy happy and remind him that he's perfectly safe and his father isn't going to leave him ever, he's left Lizzy out of everything.
Head hung for just a moment, he pushes off the sink edge and makes his way over to her. He sits down silently, looking at the local forecast of sunshine and moderate temperatures, and places a hand on her knee. "It doesn't have anything to do with you, L."
"And that's exactly the problem," she tells him, voice slightly choked. "I have nothing to do with his life. I lost a damn a year with him and now? I'm like a fun family friend at best." She drops the remote on the coffee table a little too loudly. "He doesn't need me." Her hand presses over her mouth for a second before her eyes spill over. She then drops her hand onto his as she tells him, "And I still need him so much."
Dean pulls her into him with a hand on the side of her head, resting it on his shoulder. He then wraps his arm around her, seeing how much help she is going to need from him through this transition from monster hell to real world. It's not going to be overnight.
"He needs you," Dean corrects her kindly enough. "L, he needs his mother. Every kid does, trust me."
And he would know.
"He doesn't know it," Lizzy cries a bit, the tears seemingly always just a second away, leaning her weight into him for the comfort he gives.
"But I do," Dean assures. "Every kid needs their mom. Just because he doesn't see it after a couple days doesn't make it untrue. He's two. And he absolute will be looking to you for help in no time. You just have to be patient."
"It's so hard to be patient when I've been dying to see him again for so fucking long," Lizzy tells him, her own heart heavy.
"And I get that. But please, try and be patient. Don't beat yourself up over crap you can't help," Dean tries to get her to understand. "I mean, the kid already let you cook breakfast with him and read his bedtime story twice. That's pretty huge with him."
She takes a deep inhale and nods. "That's true."
"That's very true. He barely lets anyone outside of me, Sam, and Lou do anything for him. Hell, half the time he won't let us do anything either." Dean then mockingly, in Sammy's tone, says, "He big guy now. He do it."
"You sound like Tarzan," Lizzy laughs.
"Sammy sounds like Tarzan," he corrects.
Lizzy laughs a little more. "God, he's really independent, isn't he?"
"Just like his uncle was," Dean says with fear. "Sam was a pain in the ass."
"He was a rebel against your father's plan," Lizzy rebuts.
"If our Sammy tries to run away… I'll kill him."
"He won't," Lizzy denies. "He'll like his life. He won't want to ditch it."
She catches the small smile Dean has over that very thought. He's broken the trend. He's nothing like John was in the big picture and he's starting to see it.
"Plus, Sammy loves his idol too much to not be around him," Lizzy says while sitting up and wiping her face. "Trust me, he'll never leave us until he's old and ready for college."
Dean huffs a little, disbelieving laugh. "College. Who woulda guessed, huh? That I'd someday have a college kid maybe?"
Lizzy face falls. "Why wouldn't you?"
Dean full laughs at that. "Are you kidding me?"
"Dean, you're really smart. You know that… right?"
"Smart in a tight spot ain't the same as college smarts," Dean denies far too easily.
She shakes her head and rolls her eyes. She then grabs his face and kisses his lips. "Someday you'll see the truth."
"L, I was never a student."
"No… but you were never dumb. If you tried you'd have gotten great grades. You just didn't have the motivation to. Or the parent to push you. That's all."
Dean doesn't answer but he doesn't believe her either.
"You're impossible," Lizzy says, standing up and wiping her face one more time with her long sleeves. "Clean this place up before the tornado wakes up again?"
"Let's do it," Dean responds, getting off the couch to help.
"No! Daddy do it!" Sammy screams for the third time as he sits in the tub filled with water and bubbles, his little hands clutching at his wet hair as Lizzy plops down onto the closed toilet seat with a sad sigh.
Bath time had gone well up until now once the kid was in the tub. He was playing with his toys, laughing with her, even letting her soap up a wash cloth for him so he can wash himself. Dean left once Sammy was in the water. All went well.
Until it came to washing Sammy's hair.
Now he's a mess of panic and yelling. Apparently washing his hair is a Dean-only job.
"Sammy…." Lizzy's worn voice gets cut off right there before she can even say anything else.
"Daddy!" Sammy screams at the top of his lungs, legs splashing the water as he prepares for an all-out fit.
"Hey!" an angry voice booms out as the bathroom door opens and Dean marches in, already mad about the way his son seems to be speaking to his mother. "What are you yelling about?"
"Daddy!" Sammy says his name with full alarm as he moves to stand up in the full tub. "You do it, daddy!"
"Whoa, Sammy! Don't," Lizzy tries to warm him and reaches out for his hand to help steady him in the slippery tub. When Sammy yanks his arms into himself to avoid her she can feel the dark, already deep pit in her heart grow deeper.
The moment Sammy pulls his arms in his foot slips and he starts to fall, just like Lizzy had wanted to prevent.
"Jesus!" Dean panics a bit as he lunges for him, catching Sammy on his way down and preventing him from getting hurt. He has Sammy's upper arms in his grip and he uses the hold to plop him back onto his little butt in the tub water. "What is going on with you!?"
"I want you do it, daddy!" Sammy cries out, tears forming through the dramatic moment while Sammy grasps onto Dean's forearms with his much smaller hands.
"Do what!?" Dean gets loud right back.
"Dean?" Lizzy calls out meekly behind him. He turns and sees her once more sitting by on the closed toilet, her back hunched and eyes sad. "I tried to wash his hair. He didn't like the idea."
Dean's face falls, head bowing with exhaustion after the difficult day they've had with Sammy. One thing after another. "I'm sorry."
"You didn't do anything wrong," Lizzy reminds him once more.
Turning back to his son, tears dripping down Sammy's face, Dean sighs heavily. "Sammy, mommy is completely capable of washing your hair."
"I want you!" Sammy yells back, voice still too high as he death-grips Dean's arms.
"I can't do everything," Dean tells him. "Mommy can do some things. She can help."
"No!" Sammy panics, leaning into Dean but his father won't let him. He keeps him at arm's distance so that he makes sure they speak face to face.
"Why not?"
Sammy doesn't answer, just cries.
"You need to tell me why mommy can't wash your hair," Dean demands from his crying son.
"You do it," Sammy simply cries, unable to further articulate his scared, disorganized thoughts.
"Dean, it's fine," Lizzy says and stands up, heading for the door. "I get it."
"No. This is anything but fine," Dean tells her. He eyes Sammy hard in the way that tells his boy he'd better listen up. "Sammy, you need to relax. And you need to listen."
Sammy's breathing shudders a bit but he tries his best to control his crying. Dean knows that a lot of times he'll speak to his son in a way that many dads might not. He doesn't always dumb his words down or have child-level expectations. But hell, this is what Dean knows. And so far his son has responded well enough.
Once Sammy's in a better state Dean keeps going. "I know it's been tough for a few days. And I know you don't know mommy all that well yet, okay?"
Sammy nods, knowing when it's best to not verbally answer even at his young age.
"But she's your mom, kid. She's your mom and she would never hurt you or do anything bad to you."
"But you…."
"No, no," Dean stops him before he can speak. "Buddy, you gotta relax. We spent all day together. You've been glued to my side, right?"
Sammy nods again.
"Well, daddy needs a break." He sighs quietly, tired as hell. "And mommy want to help you. It's what mommies do. They help."
"I get soap in eyes?" Sammy asks, his shoulder slumping as he calms down little by little.
"No way," Dean assures him. "She's good, that mom of yours. She knows all the tricks. Even ones I don't by now."
When Sammy is still unsure, the day having been ruled by his nightmare of being abandoned and lost still running through him, he curls up a little in the water, arms hugging his knees in.
"How about this?" Lizzy jumps in there, walking to crouch to the floor next to where Dean's kneeling. She doesn't want to push him but she wants him to understand she loves him and wants to be a bigger part of Sammy's life. "Tonight only, daddy will wash your hair. But for the next week it's all me, dude. And trust me, I have a very good record. I've never gotten soap in anyone's eyes."
"Never?" Sammy asks in a quiet, meek tone.
"Never, baby," she swears as she places a hand on Dean's shoulder. "Do we have a deal?"
Sammy just looks to Dean for answers.
"Don't look at me," his dad tells him. "She asked you the question."
Sammy then peeks back at his mom. "Okay."
Lizzy smiles and nods. "Okay then. You two finish up. I'll get some milk and cookies read and then we brush our teeth."
Catching Dean's eyes before she stands up, she smiles. She's hoping she's making headway as much as she can.
"Told you he isn't as easy as he seemed at first," he gloats a little, having told her he isn't always smiles and sweetness. Sammy can be difficult.
"You did. But I'm handling it," she winks, feeling better about how this went down.
"Nice work, momma." Dean then leans in and quickly kisses her lips, adoring her in the moment. She's damn good at this parenting thing still. Damn good.
Lizzy cups a hand to his cheek and grins before getting up and leaving the room.
"Alright you little pain," Dean jokes a bit, grabbing the shampoo. "Let's get this over with."
"You kiss mommy?" Sammy asks him, big wet eyes looking up at him with pure curiosity.
Stopping mid-reach for a second, Dean answers. "Uh, yeah. I do that sometimes."
"Why?"
Why… he hates that word these days. "Because… mommy's pretty. Why wouldn't I want to kiss her?"
"Uncle Sam kiss Auntie Lou?" Sammy asks, trying to make sense of it all in his young mind.
"Yeah, he does that."
"Why?"
Dean lathers up Sammy's dark hair and thinks. "Well… because he loves her. When you love someone, you kiss them."
"You love mommy?"
"A whole lot."
Sammy thinks as Dean washes his hair. "You kiss me?"
"Sometimes," Dean nods, picking up the plastic cup on the tub edge and dunking it in the water to fill it.
"You love me?" Sammy asks, letting Dean tip his head back and pour water over his sudsy hair to rinse it out.
"Of course I do."
The conversation stops there. When they finish up, hair washed and tub drained, Dean dries his boy off with a big thick towel and wraps him up in it.
"You got it?" Dean asks, letting Sammy grab the towel edges and bundle himself up.
"Yeah," Sammy happily says.
"Let's go," Dean tells him and opens the bathroom door. Sammy flies out and runs through the first floor of the cabin, towel flapping. "Hey! It's cold! You need clothes, you hedonist!"
His calling out doesn't matter because Sammy's on a mission. He needs to find his mommy. His daddy was making some sense to him once it was just the two of them in the bathroom and now he needs to find her.
"What are you doing, naked man!?" Lizzy laughs heartily as he comes into sight. He's adorable with his damp, wily hair and huge towel cocooning him.
Sammy doesn't answer, just runs for her and plows right into her legs as she sits on the couch. She smiles with the change in his attitude before she picks him up and pulls him into her lap just in time for Dean to catch up and watch on.
Lizzy grabs his little face and kisses his cheek in a silly manor, all kissy sounds and over-the-top movements. Sammy laughs a lot at that and she couldn't be happier to see this side of him again. All day it's been daddy-is-everything. She just wants in and he's letting her in right now.
"You kiss me?" Sammy asks, sitting facing her on her legs and grinning wide.
"Of course I kiss you!" she tells him happily. "How can I not!?" Lizzy grabs his face again and this time kisses him right on the lips.
"You love me, mommy?" Sammy asks, just trying to straighten it all out in his head.
Lizzy just looks down at the little miracle in her lap with filling eyes, her chest exploding with love for this one little man. "More than you know, sweetie."
"Daddy kiss you 'cause he love you," Sammy tells her, pointing to her lips.
Grinning wide, she tells him, "That's right. We're family and we love each other. So we kiss each other."
Thinking for a moment, something Lizzy has found Sammy does a lot which makes her realize just how intelligent he is, Sammy leans forward and presses one quick, very sweet kiss to his mommy's lips.
When he sits back in her lap Lizzy grins as she chin quivers a bit, so touched by his actions. She runs her hands through his wet hair as she assures him, "I love you too, kiddo. So, so much."
Sammy just smiles wide up at her, proud that he put it all together. Sometimes adults are weird and they do weird things Sammy doesn't understand. But this whole love thing? Piece of cake. He gets that one.
"Alright, birthday suit. Let's get clothes on you before you catch cold or something," Dean jumps in when he can see Lizzy struggling.
"Okay," Sammy answers easily and gets down from Lizzy's lap. He runs around the corner to his room and disappears.
Dean looks at his wife with a smile. "Figured you'd need a minute."
When he walks away, Lizzy wipes her eyes and tries to gather herself together. After the very rough day she really needed that. Leave it to her sweet, smart boy to figure out even at such a young age what the people around him need.
He's an amazing kid.
Sorry for the delay! I was killing myself to get my revamping of The Definition of Family done. I have submitted it to be read and judged. Wish me luck! And if you're interested, The Definition of Family is now completely redone!