Author's Note: I know I crank out chapters at lightning fast speed but I haven't been able to find a job since my semester at college is over and I'm back home. I literally have nothing else better to do with my time during the day and you guys keep me inspired.
I also write as much as I can, when I can because as of Friday, I will have a job (thank god) and I won't be able to update as quickly as I usually do.
But anyway, thank you all for your love and support. It means the world.
Love, Rae.
Two a.m rolls around and neither Kakashi nor Sakura have found in it themselves to sleep. Exhaustion just doesn't seem like a valid emotion to have at a time like this.
But apparently, to Kakashi, silence is his only option. It puts Sakura edge. The man will open his mouth, shut it, open it again and then retire himself to doing something else. He'll pretend to read, concentrating on a page even though Sakura sees that his eyes aren't moving. He'll get a glass of orange juice, wash it for 10 minutes, and then go clean his bedroom for the tenth time.
He hasn't spoken a word in over six hours.
The man threw up at the news that he was going to be a father.
It literally made him sick. Sakura wasn't too happy that that was the only response he could conjur. But they weren't ready to talk about it.
The kunoichi likes to think that she's knows him well enough now to decipher that his silence is not nonchalance. It is not apathy or indifference as his face might suggest.
It is fear. Pure, unadulterated fear that he is trying to shove down with every passing minute so that he can find the courage to say the right thing. Sakura does not blame him.
She doesn't have the energy to argue. She doesn't have the mental capacity to be angry at him for not sitting down and talking to her about this like an adult. All she can do is sit on his couch, sipping at the tea he keeps making her, and wait for him to decide what to do.
This is his child just as much as hers. So she will be patient.
But Sakura would be lying to herself if she said that she didn't appreciate Kakashi's inability to jump straight into parenthood. Silently, behind her own seemingly calm jade eyes, Sakura panics.
There is a life growing inside of her. There is a human being developing in her womb and it is the creation of her and her sensei.
She panics because, in the amount of seconds that it took her to run to the bathroom at clinic, her life flipped completely; it scattered everything that she has ever known until Sakura stares at the foundation of herself and wonders just where the hell to start building again.
The village will talk. The shinobi won't be able to help whispering and glaring behind their backs and Tsunade will look at her with a dissapointment so vast that Sakura is sure their bond will never fully recover.
Naruto is going to want to kill Kakashi. He'll literally try to strangle him with his bare hands.
And her parents.
Sakura puts her head in her hands and rakes her fingers through her pink hair as she thinks about her mom and dad. From somewhere to her right, Kakashi watches her carefully, pretending to read the newspaper in his lap for the eighth time tonight.
Her parents will murder the both of them. Sakura can already see the hate in her father's eyes when he stares at the man who protected his daughter, who taught her how to be a shinobi, all those years ago. She was a child when Kakashi met her. They welcomed him into their home countless times and he sat at their table, only to sever the trust that they built on the labor of Kakashi's back because in the end, her sensei could not protect her from one thing; himself.
Kakashi's reputation is as good as ruined. They will call him a pervert, they will pass judgement on him because he has committed the ultimate taboo between sensei and student. The Copy Ninja of Konoha won't be spared from ridicule, not even his last name and his fame can save him from the ugliness that is to come.
They, the village and the shinobi, do not know that Kakashi has painfully restrained himself for the past year in order to keep the balance of their lives. He won't show the man that stands before her when the mask is off and the disinterest pushed aside. They will not understand that he cared for her once as a child but now that she is a woman, Sakura is not the same person and he is no longer the same man who once despised the brats his team used to be.
He was forced to mold them into soldiers and when they grew, he came to love them.
One in a different way than the others.
Shame will be passed onto the both of them because the others will fail to see that her and Kakashi did not ask for this. That if they could, they would trade anything to make it stop. But they can't.
Fire consumes fire and it can only grow from here.
"I'm so sorry," she finally whispers. Kakashi stills at the sound of her voice, listening to her break the silence that had cast them into shadows of themselves. Sakura pretends not to notice but he clenches his jaw.
"For what?" he says smoothly. It's too casual, too strained. She wants to shout at him that he doesn't have to try so hard to keep it in. There is enough room for them to shatter.
But Sakura knows he won't. He will wait until she leaves.
Kakashi has to wait to break until he is alone so he can sit in his solitude and torture himself with just how wrong it is that he will be a father. How unworthy he is.
"They're going to be so mean to you." She brings her feet up onto the couch and hugs her legs to her chest. "The shinobi." Her heart beats against her knee and somewhere down inside of her, her pulse acts as a lullaby to a tiny, new life.
It scares her.
"Maybe. Maybe not." He shrugs and goes back to pretending to read the paper. Beneath the table, Sakura can see his hand fisted in the material of his jonin pants.
"You know they are."
He sighs and folds the newspaper up. He leans an elbow on the table, chin in his palm, and looks at her with faux laziness.
How long does he think that his gray eye can fool her?
"I know some who won't. As for the rest, I don't care. It's not their problem."
He says this easily, giving her an eye crinkling smile but it doesn't change his face like it should. His shoulders remain too tense.
Sakura chews on her bottom lip before speaking, quietly, as if she doesn't even wants the words to be said but she has to ask.
"Do you think it's a problem?"
Kakashi stills and he meets her gaze. There it is. That flicker of panic. But it's gone as soon as it arrives.
"It's...a complication. Do you want more tea?" He stands, going over to take her cup and make her some more.
She shakes her head, a little too vigorously and Kakashi is reminded of the genin she once was, demanding that he not lump her together with that obnoxious Naruto and his antics as she shook her head frantically.
He vanishes the thought quickly when he remembers that he impregnated the woman that that child would grow up to be. He hurriedly hides himself away in the kitchen to avoid looking at her.
Kakashi has to restrain himself from throwing his cup into the sink.
"You never wanted to be a father." Her voice is small, almost nonexistent. But he knows that she knows that his ears will hear her. Kakashi crosses his arms over the counter, leaning against it for a few moments where she can't see so he can lose his face for just a moment.
He drops his head onto his forearms and makes a pained expression.
Kakashi never wanted to be a dad. He knew he would never be good at it.
The copy ninja can't find a response good enough to answer her with so he simply stays there against the counter, closing his eyes and trying not to panic.
Yesterday, Kakashi was just a man trying to keep the woman he couldn't bear to lose.
Today, he's now responsible for a life that has yet to be born.
What would his own dad say? How would the White Fang of Konoha feel if he found out that he was going to have a grandchild at the expense of his son ruining the life and career of his own student?
Kakashi shivers as he thinks about the answer.
Her small feet pad softly into the kitchen. He straightens up immediately and reaches into the fridge, grabbing a beer to cover up his loss of control.
He twists the cap off with his strong hand and leans his back against the granite counter, his eyes not leaving Sakura's face as he takes a long drink. He gives an 'ahh' sound, setting the bottle down beside him gently.
The man rubs the silver stubble along his jaw tiredly.
"I've ruined you," she says sadly.
Kakashi crosses his arms over his chest and gives a disbelieving laugh.
"I'm a grown man, Sakura. Fatherhood is just another part of getting old." He chews his next words over slowly, trying not to see the young genin staring back at him instead of the woman that Sakura is today. "It's you that I have ruined."
"Having a baby is part of being a woman," she says, trying to make a hopeful point. But it doesn't sit right in the air. Kakashi takes a few moments to answer.
"Not at your age. Not when you could do so much more." He leaves some words unsaid but Sakura doesn't have to be a genius like Shikamaru to figure them out.
Not when you could do so much more than settle for me.
"Kakashi, you're going to make a great father. Stop acting like you've already poisoned the kid when he or she isn't even born yet."
He has to turn away from her now. Kakashi acts like he's doing it so he can drain the beer in one gulp. But his stomach churns again when she mentions the gender of his soon to be child. A son or a daughter.
He'll ruin either or.
If it's not by his shitty parenting, it will be by his early death.
Kakashi doesn't have it in him to tell Sakura the news about being Commander for the war that might come.
Maybe this time around you won't be so risky with your own life, Tsunade whispers to him in his head.
Damn you, Lady Hokage.
He leaves the empty bottle to sit on the counter as he grips the ledge of it. His stance looks casual but Sakura can see the stark white of his knuckles as he grips the granite too tightly.
Sakura, although she wants to run from all this, although she wants to close her eyes and wish it all away, she needs him.
She can't face this on her own.
The kunoichi slips over to him and wraps her arms around his middle from behind. His defined stomach tightens a little at her touch, surprised by the sudden contact.
He wants to reject it. He wants to shout that he is not worthy to be held like this.
To be wanted.
The ninja leans his head back and closes his eyes, desperation taking over him as he tries to take it all back.
He should've never accepted that wager. He should've never gotten drunk at Shikamaru's party because then he wouldn't have thought it sly to challenge her. He wouldn't have had to go on that date, he wouldn't have offered to train with her all day, every day for as long as he did, he wouldn't have gotten her to be so close.
Sakura, if he had avoided all these things, would've never needed to feel obligated to check on him after Genma's death. She would've stayed away from him and he would still be brooding in his solidarity like he deserves.
He should've been stronger.
Yamato's almond eyes suddenly flash before him and Kakashi slams his fist down onto the counter, angrily, before he can stop himself.
The noise makes Sakura jump away from him.
Kakashi is going to hate himself for this. He is going to loathe himself for what he is about to do.
He turns and Sakura nearly flinches at the coldness in his charcoal gaze.
"I am not not the right man to be the father of your baby, Sakura."
She looks at him, confused. Her hands go limp at her sides.
"Our baby," she corrects him, almost inaudibly.
His heart breaks beneath his ribs but he forces himself to look at her.
"As far as I'm concerned, that's Yamato's child growing inside of you. Not mine."
She visibly flinches. But Sakura takes the bait and anger flashes in her jade eyes.
"What the hell are you talking about, this baby is yours!"
Kakashi gives an uncaring shrug. Sakura's knees tremble beneath her as her hands ball into tight fists.
God forgive me, he pleads. Forgive me for being so weak.
"Does it matter? I don't want it, Sakura. You're right, I never wanted to be a father. Ever. So save yourself the trouble and go back to Yamato. Go back to the man that will actually want the thing."
Sakura takes a step back like she has just been slapped.
Over the past few months, Sakura has seen many sides of Kakashi. His usual cool, indifferent demeanor that she has known since she was a child. The fierce, unforgiving man of battle when he is trying to protect his comrades. The exceptional, intelligent soldier and leader.
And when they're alone, she's the Kakashi that holds her hair back when she pukes. The man who prefers to read by the window because for some reason, sunlight and moonlight are easier on his eyes. He's an early bird, can't make a single dinner dish but he can make breakfast as well as her mother. Kakashi has always preferred beer over sake. He brings Sakura soup when she's sick and he calls her love when she's upset. Guy sensei is his best friend, even though he doesn't like to admit it, and the man hates to do laundry. He makes love in bed, he doesn't fuck, and needs to be held afterwards because he says the absence of her skin feels like a withdrawal.
That is the passionate, loving Kakashi that Sakura doesn't think anyone else has ever seen.
But this man standing in front of her? He's a stranger. Cold, harsh, and unfeeling.
Forget his words, his eyes tell her all she needs to know.
The kunoichi shoves him. Hard. His back hits the ledge of the counter and she knows it hurts but he doesn't flinch. He doesn't even blink.
"You're a goddamn coward," she spits at him. Tears well up in her eyes but she refuses to cry, wiping them away with her forearm.
She raises her hand to slap him. Kakashi doesn't ever take his eyes off of her.
And for a second, just for a split sliver in time, Sakura thinks his one gray orb pleads for her to hit him.
But it's gone as soon as it appears.
She lowers her hand and storms into the living room. When she comes back, she's shrugging on her jacket, angrily.
"I thought you were a man, Kakashi." She hurriedly zips her coat up. "But you're nothing but a pathetic little boy trapped in a man's body."
Kakashi finally blinks. And when he opens his eyes again, Sakura is slamming his front door shut.
He stands there for a long time, ignoring the ache in his lower back where she pushed him into the counter.
He runs both his hands into his silver hair, hunching over slightly so that his back curves, and he breathes out shakily,
"God forgive me."
Sakura jams her key into the front door of her childhood home quickly.
The exhaustion has finally caught up with her. She wants to curl up into her bed and just go to sleep. The kunoichi wants to dream and forget that all of this is happening.
Even if it's only for a few hours, she wants to erase this day from her memory.
But as Sakura swings the door open, shutting it back softly, she knows that it will be useless.
Kakashi and his spiteful words will follow her into sleep and make her sweat through the night, a nightmare disguised underneath the beautiful exterior of her sensei.
It makes her a kind of nauseous that has nothing to do with the baby.
Sakura hangs her coat up in the hall and is about to turn the corner to go up the stairs to her room when the light in the kitchen goes on. The kunoichi freezes, her foot caught in mid-air, about to climb the first step.
She thinks of the time. It's past 3 am.
"Sakura-chan?" calls her father.
What the hell is he doing up so late?
But Sakura has been caught and can't do anything but follow the sound of his voice, trying not to drag her feet. She puts on a tired smile as she enters into the kitchen. Her father sits at the table, drinking tea, his dull-pink hair still spiked up into it's usual style.
"Hey dad," she says with a sigh, sinking down to the floor in front of him. "What's up?"
She can't do this right. Sakura hasn't had time to figure out how to face her parents.
There is a child growing inside of her, his grandchild, and the father of said baby wants nothing to do with it.
How do you face your own father with this kind of secret? How do you keep from falling apart when his blue eyes look at you with a love so bountiful that it makes Sakura want to curl up and cry?
"Why're you coming home so late, Sakura-chan? I would've thought you were staying at your Captain's place tonight as usual."
Sakura freezes. How did they-? Oh. That's right. Sakura had made their relationship rather public for half the shinobi force to see. It's only natural that her parents know by now.
She thanks them silently for being the kind of parents to not pry or scold Sakura ever since she reached adulthood. They trusted her.
And it's that trust that makes Sakura's insides wilt.
"He was summoned an hour ago. Urgent matter. I couldn't sleep once he left," she lies.
Kizashi nods, stroking his dull pink beard softly. "Yes, I know those days quite well."
Sakura gives a small smile. Oddly, her father reaches across the table, palm open. It's a gesture she knows quite well.
The girl puts her hand in his and he takes it, holding it gently as he draws cherry blossoms against the back of her hand.
Sakura seriously wants to cry now.
She does not deserve this kind of love from him. She's a disappointment. A scandal.
"Why did Mom retire from being a shinobi?" she asks softly, watching his fingers draw the familiar pattern against her skin. Kizashi gives a warm smile and squeezes her fingers before letting go.
The absence of his warmth is painful.
"Because we had you, Sakura-chan. Being around to watch you grow was...more important to her than the Will of Fire."
Sakura has to stop herself from holding onto her still flat tummy.
The kunoichi gives a sad, bitter kind of chuckle. Her father looks at her, confused for a moment.
"I feel like I am made of nothing but the Will of Fire."
"But what's wrong with that?" he asks seriously.
"What about when I have my own family, Dad? I don't know if I could give up being a shinobi." She treads carefully. She doesn't want to give him any hints.
Thankfully, her father thinks that the tired circles under her eyes and the strange questions have to do with being the stress a ninja. He doesn't get suspicious.
"You need to realize, Sakura-chan, that being a ninja and having a family is it's own kind of Will of Fire. You don't need to give up one for the other."
Her jade eyes widen a little.
"I don't understand. It seems more..responsible. Because of the fact that shinobi keep having children, we get ninja likes Naruto, Neji Hyuuga and...Sasuke. I don't want to have a child when I could quite possibly never come home to see their face again."
"Oh Sakura-chan. You have so much to learn," he says with a quiet laugh. "The children of shinobi are the most important part of the village. Do you know why?" He lowers his voice to a whisper, feigning secrecy. "Because they will carry on the Will of Fire passed down to them by their parents. The shinobi who decide to have children are patrons of their country because they will provide us with the next generation of ninja. But-" he points his finger at her, almost like he's giving a lecture, "they are even greater parents because from their very birth, they give their children something to live for. To carry on the will of their parents. To carry Konoha proudly on their backs."
He takes a sip of his tea and holds his hands out. Sakura lets him claps both of hers in his.
"What greater gift can a shinobi leave their child, even if they pass, than something to keep them going through the pain?"
He brings both of her hands up to his lips and he kisses her knuckles.
"These are the hands of my Will of Fire."
Sakura can't help it now. She sheds a tear, her vision blinded, and smiles at her father.
"You will be a great mother one day, my cherry blossom."
With that he gets up, putting his empty tea cup in the sink, and heads off to bed. On his way, he pats Sakura on the head and takes his leave.
She stares at her hands and then brings them both to cradle her still unrevealing belly.
"You are my Will of Fire," she says in a barely audible whisper to her unborn child.
Tears stream down her face and Sakura promises herself that this is the last time she will cry for what has happened. This is the last time she will let herself regret the life growing within her.
After tonight, as she sits at the kitchen table of her parents and silently sobs for the difficulty of the road ahead, Sakura promises to give this child all that she has to offer if not more.
She is a shinobi. She is the apprentice of the 5th Hokage. And she will step up to the challenge.
Even if she has to do it by herself.
"Dude, what the hell is up with you today?"
Kotetsu glares at Kakashi who has not been listening to a word he has been saying for the past five minutes. Izumo, eating his weight in dumplings, finally stops to notice that his best friend is right.
The silver haired man hasn't said a word, let alone moved, longer than usual.
His one gray eye looks up at the bandaged face of his friend and gives an apologetic smile.
"Sorry, what were you saying?"
The ninja throws his hands up in defeat and goes back to drinking his tea, muttering over the top of his cup.
"Kakashi, you really hurt his feelings this time," Izumo says disapprovingly with a sarcastic tsk, tsk.
The copy ninja sighs. He is really not in the mood for this today.
Kotetsu studies Kakashi for a long time, still pretending to be upset as he brattily crosses his arms over his chest. But once his friend refuses to snarkily comment on the immaturity that Kotetsu has yet to outgrow, the chunin knows that something really is bothering Kakashi. He looks at Izumo who shrugs.
The jonin has already started staring at the crowds of the village pass by in the cold afternoon sun, not bothering to join his friends in conversation yet again.
A child, a little girl no older than 4, drops her dango stick and begins to cry. Her father, a burly civilian with short red hair, stops walking ahead of her and turns back on his heels abruptly. He goes over to his daughter, gives her a pat on the head, telling her he would buy her another one tomorrow. But to no avail, this does not console the child. She continues to wail.
Kakashi watches with a sinking heart as the man lifts her up into his arms and holds her close to his broad chest. The girl sniffles into the collar of his shirt and huddles herself closer to him to get away from the bite of the wind.
He watches them go until they're completely out of sight.
His sharingan spins behind his closed eyelid and makes him relive last night. He was cruel to Sakura. He was indeed cowardly.
But what he did was best for that child and for her.
Yamato would forgive her for her transgressions. The loss of his friendship was just the price that he would have to pay to ensure that Sakura was taken care of.
That his child would grow up with a father that wouldn't ruin him or her right from the start.
It pained Kakashi to breath knowing that he had lost his battle for her. That he had not been a man and taken the responsibility for the life growing inside of her like he should have.
He is a warrior. He is a shinobi above all else.
There is just no room in his heavy heart to be anything more.
She was right. He is nothing but a pathetic little boy hiding in the skin of a man.
He has no business raising a child.
"Kakashi, you're not listening again," whines Kotetsu.
The copy ninja gives a blank stare, feigning cluelessness and rubs the back of his head nervously.
"I apologize, I keep getting lost in thought."
Izumo mutters something that sounds along the lines of, 'Oh really, asshole?'
Kakashi can't help but smirk. "I've just remembered, I have to go take care of something. You guys enjoy the rest of your day. See ya."
"Wait, stop, I didn't even get to the good part of my story yet!" cries Kotetsu, reaching out a hand to hopefully keep his friend from going.
But Kakashi quickly gives a wave and poofs away in a cloud of smoke, his smile aloof and disinterested as always.
The two best friend stares at the spot where Kakashi had just been sitting. Kotetsu's playful scowl quickly turns into a serious, worried expression. Izumo nods in agreement, not needing words to pass between them to understand what that face means.
"Whatever it is that's bothering him," Kotetsu mumbles quietly, "He isn't handling it well."
Sakura waits patiently on the bench in front of Training Field 10.
She didn't have to ask Yamato which area he meant, she knew automatically. Just as well as she knew the time without it needing to be specified. They've never trained on any other field. When Team Kakashi, under Yamato's watchful eye first formed, this is where the Captain kicked them into shape.
Fond memories surround this place and it almost lightens her mood.
She's traded out her tight black shorts for form fitting black leggings beneath her usual uniform skirt. And she wears a light jacket the color of Konoha's flak vests, the weather no longer permitting her to bare her shoulders and arms.
Sakura absently puts a hand over her tummy as she closes her eyes and listens to the soft whisper of the December wind. She almost swears that Naruto's laughter is carried on the current as well as her own tinkling giggle. By memory, Yamato's smooth rumbling laugh echoes back at her.
Those were simpler times that this training field holds. Nothing crossed into the boundaries of these grounds except for sweat, the labor of one's back, and the iron bond of teammates. Yamato never allowed anything more to cross into their training, even after they started dated. On this field, there was no Sakura and Yamato. There was only Sakura fighting hand to hand with the Captain.
And once Kakashi had rejoined his team, it became the place where Kakashi's gaze, although she refused to acknowledge it, had started to linger too long on Sakura to mean what he tried to play it off as.
Sakura remembers watching him study Sai. And she would catch glimmers of it every once awhile; the look of regret that a foreign face is on his team in the place of someone else. It didn't occur to Sakura until much later that Sasuke's betrayal cut just as deep for him that it did for her and Naruto.
He could not save him. He tried to pull the dark out of the Uchiha's heart with his own bare hands. But Sasuke's hatred has always been much bigger than Kakashi's desire to help the boy that reminded him so much of himself.
Sakura bites back the bitterness of having him once again invade her thoughts.
The kunoichi, as she sits on the bench waiting for Yamato to show up, has to remind herself that Kakashi has made it abundantly clear that her and her child are not wanted. That he has no intention of taking responsibility for what he helped create.
But that's okay. Because Sakura, as she watches the shivering figure of Yamato approach from a little ways away, knows that she needs no man to give the child growing inside her, growing with her, everything that he or she needs in life.
The lean, tall stature of her Captain, and lover, jogs up to her. He smiles lightly, his hands in his pockets as he strolls to a stop in front of Sakura. His nose is red and she can see his arms shivering beneath his jonin shirt. He must've forgotten to put an his mesh armor underneath.
"Hi," he says quietly. "May I sit?"
Sakura gives a quick nod and scoots over to make room for him. Yamato gratefully accepts the space and kinda huddles into himself as another gush of cold wind passes them by. The kunoichi tries to keep her hair from wreaking havoc as she tries to look at him.
He smiles endearingly at the untameable pink locks before flickering his gaze back up to her jade eyes.
It hurts so much to look at him.
"I hope I didn't keep you waiting too long," he begins apologetically, "Lady Tsunade wouldn't stop talking."
Sakura can't help but chuckle at this. She knows just how much the Hokage likes to ramble.
"How're you?" he asks kindly when they slip into a silence. It wasn't awkward. But they came here to talk so talk they shall.
Pregnant. How about you?
Sakura bites the inside of her cheek to keep herself from being inappropriate. She forces a half smile.
"Could be better. And yourself?"
Her gives her a chuckle, a half lidded close of his eyes as his lips turn up the way they always do.
"Could be better," he responds as he leans back against the bench, cold hands still stuffed in his pockets.
They stare at training field 10 and Sakura knows that they're both thinking about the same thing. Her and Yamato had their first kiss on those grounds. He asked her to stay behind after Sai and a suspicious Naruto left, feigning important news that he needed to share with her.
All he did once they were gone was wrap her up in his sweaty arms and kissed her. Then he apologized profusely afterwards, embarrassed.
Sakura gives a sad smile as she remembers how happy she had been that he finally plucked up the courage to do it.
"Yamato-"
"Sakura-" they both begin at the same time. He nervously chuckles and, being the gentleman he always has been, he rubs the back of his head with one hand and offers for her to go first.
But looking at him now, nose red from the chill, kind almond eyes relaxed at their proximity, Sakura can't bring herself to poison him.
Not just yet.
"You go. I'll wait," she offers with a reassuring smile. He's about to protest but knows that if he doesn't get out what he needs to say, he never will.
"Well," he starts, nervously smoothing down the material of his dark jonin pants with his stiff hands, "I wanted to start off with an apology." His eyes slide to hers, anxiously. "For what happened."
Sakura swallows down the acid that that memory leaves her with. It is drenched in fear and the ruins of the life that she thought she would have until she died; dancing in the living room with no music, just the beating of their hearts and the softness of his soul.
How foolish she had been.
That life was over the minute that she sat atop Kakashi on a different training ground than this, victorious in her match against him, and stared her wild eyes into his one unmoving charcoal orb.
She didn't realize it until now. But even then, as she shone with sweat and sweet victory, his one uncovered eye quivered with all the things that he could not say. And Sakura was a goner from that moment on.
It makes her unbearably bitter.
"You don't have to apologize, Yamato." She looks back at him and she wants to reach out to touch him. But that will only make things worse. "I was selfish. I knew that you were suffering. You would moan and sweat in your nights at the hospital and wake up with the most terrified look in your eye." She hangs her head. "I pretended to be asleep but I knew. And I did nothing."
"Sakura," he says, a little sternly. It's the tone of her Captain when he tries to make her understand something when she doesn't want to. "How could you have known that it would go as far as it did? I'm sure you've had your fair share of nightmares."
Sasuke's cold sharingan eyes snap into her vision. She pushes it away.
As well as the silver haired ninja burning to death amidst hot flames. She swallows that down as well.
Yamato takes her hand and she shivers at the coldness of his skin. But she holds on to his fingers, relishing in them the only way that she can. He squeezes her hand back before holding it in both his palms.
"Please. Do not try to excuse what happened with something as silly as it being your fault."
Sakura brings his hands up to her lips and she kisses his fingertips softly. Sadly.
"You were my stability. You were the enduring tree in the hurricane that I am. And I let you bend. How could I not blame myself?"
How can I not take responsibility for ruining you, she asks herself.
Yamato sighs and reaches out to touch her face. Sakura didn't know she had started crying. His rough sandalwood scented fingers brush her cheek and send away the wetness from her eyes.
"I still am. I still want to be that for you."
The guilt of Sakura's actions. The shame of falling in love with Kakashi nearly doubles her over. She nearly wants to heed the advice of the shinobi who refuses to be the father of her child. She nearly wants to confess to Yamato, get on her knees and beg that he forgive her for her all that she has done, and not make her go through this alone.
But it would be wrong of Sakura. It would be the worst kind of wrong that she will ever commit against him. So she swallows her fear at raising a child alone. She swallows the last, small remaining part of her childhood that tries to convince her to continue to lie to him through her teeth.
Sakura is to become a mother. It is time to leave her childishness behind and be a woman.
"Yamato, I-"
"Sakura, listen to me," he suddenly blurts, grabbing her face gently in his hands. "I did something terrible. Profoundly and unchangeably terrible. And maybe I have become a little bent. And maybe I am weaker than I thought because I brought the blood on my conscience home to you. But it was you who saved me during my capture, not me."
Stop, Yamato, please don't, she wants to beg of him. Sakura cannot stand to hear more.
She is not worthy.
"It was you that told me to wait it out, to keep pushing through because for once in my lonely life, I had someone to come home to. I had something to live for beyond dying for my country. And when I am old and wrinkly, barely able to walk but insist on doing D-Rank missions for the Hokage that Naruto will turn out to be, I want to still be the enduring tree in your hurricane. I love you, Sakura Haruno."
Sakura begins to cry profusely now, her tears running over the knuckles of her wood user's hands and onto the sidewalk.
"I am a simple shinobi. I am an even simpler man. But I can take care of you. I can provide for you anything that you want or need, I can give it to you, I can be it for you. Just let me."
Yamato brings her to him and kisses her adoringly slow. His hands curl around her small waist, trying to touch as much of her as he can. Sakura cries what he thinks to be happy tears. He can taste their saltiness on his lips.
She kisses him back but it is not a commitment kiss. It is not a beg for forgiveness kiss like Yamato conveys as he whispers I love you, over and over again against her mouth.
Sakura does not want to do this. She does not want to completely surrender the idea of a life of dancing in living rooms with no music.
But Sakura has made her bed. Now she must lie in it.
"I can't, Yamato."
His lips stop moving. She knows he heard her. She knows that they are sinking down into his insides. Maybe now he might be able to understand the sadness that has been filling her up every time she looks at him.
His fingers just curl a little tighter into her hair.
"Tell me why. At least give me that."
His voice quivers as he leans his forehead against hers, waiting for an answer. And it's in this moment that Sakura knows why she decided to love him all those months ago.
He is the calm before the storm. He is the soothing rumble of the earth as it spins. Yamato still tries to be that, even now as she knows that his heart is smashing in his chest.
His eyes are still kind as they look into hers.
Sakura is so ungrateful.
"You are not a simple man, Yamato." Her fingers slide down to the front of his flak jacket, holding him close one more time before she has to let go. She tugs on it, gently, to emphasize her words. They hold so much weight and she wants him to hear them.
"You are a great shinobi. And an ever greater man." Her voice cracks and she curses her weakness when it comes to emotions, wishing that just for one day, the strength in her body could lend her some help.
"But I cannot provide you with anything that is worthy of such a man."
Her fingers slip down from him and Sakura can already feel his absence winding at her as she takes a step back. She's about to turn to leave but he grabs onto her wrist, gently.
Always gently.
"Tell me who it is, Sakura. Just do me this one favor and I will let it go."
He does not demand it. He does not raise his voice.
It is an honest request, a part of him that needs answering so he can be the gentleman that he is and let her do what she sees fit.
She closes her eyes. He knew all this time and he never even asked.
How typical of Yamato. All he wanted to do was keep her. Even if it meant pretending he didn't smell the scent of another man's skin on hers.
"I am so sorry for what I have done to you," is all she can muster before she walks away.
She refuses to bow her head and cry. She refuses to show the ache of letting such a beautiful tree burn inside of her.
But Sakura is to be a mother. And she must push aside childish things.
So she walks back to the village, head high, and lip unquivering.
She did this to herself. This is the price that must be paid.
Yamato watches her go, unsure of what to do with his hands. He waits, standing in the cold, until he can no longer see the pink of her lovely hair.
His fingers curl into fists and he shoves down the need to call after her.
He is not that kind of man.
Yamato turns on his heels and walks in the opposite direction, the Hokage's words ringing in his ears.
Lady Tsunade looks right through him. Down to the marrow of his bones.
"There is more to Sakura than you will ever be able to understand, Yamato." His right hand restrains itself from tremoring nervously. "You're more than capable of providing for her."
Her eyes know something that he does not.
"But is she capable of providing for you?"
Sakura kneels before Asuma Sarutobi's grave, a bundle of fresh shion flowers in her arms. Ino said that they stand for remembrance.
She lays them gently to the side where the longest petal barely touches the characters of his name. Kurenai's latest batch of lotuses are still in bloom, waving their hellos to Sakura in the December air.
The kunoichi leans respectfully on her knees, her hands clasped in front of her. She shoves her sadness down, pushing away thoughts of Yamato's lovely almond eyes, and prays. The sun sets on Konoha behind her.
"Asuma sensei. I know you and I were never very close. Sometimes I feel like you looked at me as a rival just as much as Ino does because you wanted for her to win. I want to thank you for understanding her so well. Team 10 was the best thing that could've ever happened to that girl."
Sakura smiles, her eyes still closed, at the thought of her blonde friend.
"But Kakashi," she tries not to trip over the name, "told me not too long ago that you confessed to him that one day, I would be a kunoichi even more powerful than Lady Hokage. And for that, I thank you deeply." Sakura gives a bow, her pink hair falling over her cheeks, before rising up again.
It's okay to cry to Asuma. He will understand.
"And he also told me that when you were children, and being the prodigy that he is, he graduated at just five years old. No one wanted to be his friend because he was cold, indifferent and well...frightening." Sakura gives a weak smile, wiping the wetness as it stings against her cheek, the cold wind lashing at her face.
"Besides Guy sensei, he told me that you and Genma were the only ones that would talk to him. You were not afraid of him or the legacy of his name. And even though he didn't show it then, even though he tried to push you all away, he cares so much about you because you made him a little less lonely back then."
Sakura's bottom lip quivers now, intertwining her fingers as her prayer becomes more painful to say.
"It's because of that I ask you to forgive him. I know that you, Genma, Yondaime, and his father are watching over him. Watching over all of us. And I know that you know that I am-" Sakura holds down the sob, letting it rattle in her chest, "I am pregnant with his child."
Her hand immediately goes to clench her shirt right over the spot where Kakashi's baby is growing.
"I know that you saw what we did. How shameful our actions were. So I beg all of you to forgive me for doing this to him. And I beg, with all my heart, that you forgive him for the things he said to me yesterday. He is simply not ready to be a father. For that I do not blame him."
Sakura lets out a sob and she leans forward, unable to sit up straight any longer as the crushing weight of her love for that damn Kakashi Hatake makes her cave into herself. Her hands go out to catch herself and she finds herself in a bow, staring down at Asuma's name. Tears splatter his headstone.
"Please help him not be so lost. Please help him see reason that he is not the coward that I claimed him to be."
She leans her forehead down to touch the gravestone, once, before she straightens back up.
Sakura wipes her face clean with the sleeve of her jacket and takes a deep breath.
Mothers do not cry for they do not wish to show weakness to their children.
She takes a deep breath and resumes her previous prayer stance, clasping her fingers before her tightly.
"And I ask, Asuma sensei, that you give me the strength to be the kind of father to my child that I know you would have been to your own."
Sakura takes a long time to open her eyes.
"Amen."
Familiar footsteps trail into the shinobi graveyard as she lets her hands swing back to her sides. When they finally reach her, she looks up at her new companion from the slight turn of her head over her shoulder.
"You're in my spot, cherry," claims the lazy voice of none other than Asuma sensei's favorite genius. One hand, as always, is shoved nonchalantly in his pockets as he tries to scowl down her. He racks his brain to figure out why Sakura of all people would be praying to Asuma.
But then he sees the redness of her eyes.
The ninja sighs, mumbles a 'how troublesome' and sits, with his legs stretched out and his back to Sakura.
He waits a few moments and then it clicks.
The kunoichi sits down slowly, pressing her back against his, and stares out at the sky as it turns shades of deeper oranges and pinks. Sakura watches the sunset clouds with him.
Shikamaru gives comfort in the only way he can. Silence and his unmoving presence.
He doesn't pry. He doesn't even look at her.
He simply sits and talks to Asuma as he normally would, letting Sakura take the strength that she needs from him with just her back pressed up against his.
They sit like that, well into the night, until it gets too cold.
"Shikamaru?" she says as they walk back to the village.
"Mmm?"
"Thank you."
The ninja glances sideways at her and gives her a light shove.
"Shut up, cherry."
He waits until they get far enough into the village to give his quiet reply.
"You're welcome, Sakura."