Chapter 14

I paced back and forth around the house, into my bedroom and back to the kitchen, into Grace's room and to the living room. I must have walked nearly a mile by the time I collapsed onto the couch, tired of walking. It was a cold, rainy February day and I started the day curled up on the couch under a blanket with a hot cup of tea. But I quickly got bored and distracted, until I was pacing the floor.

Grace had sent a letter two days previous, telling me all about how Sirius broke into the castle and made it as far as the dormitory. I still wasn't one hundred percent on his side, and the thought of him so close was, to say the least, unnerving. The more I thought about it, the more I leaned toward believing him, but… still. After twelve years of thinking he was guilty, it was hard to change.

In her letter, she wrote about how scared she was of him. My heart ached as I read those words, wishing I knew how to tell her about him. She needed to know soon, but how? How did I tell my daughter her father was a convicted murderer escaped from prison? That her father was the one who kept breaking into the school. Why hadn't someone written a help book on that topic? There were others on a variety of topics (I had looked), but none on this. Why not?

I paced, back and forth, not knowing what to do; unsure of what to say to Grace. Finally, I settled down at my desk with a piece of paper.

Dear Grace,

Oh my! That must have been frightening!

I trust that Professor Dumbledore knows what he is doing and will see to it that Sirius Black doesn't get into the castle again. If you are scared or worried, go see Professor Lupin. He is the closest thing we have to a friend up there and I'm sure he'd be willing to talk to you.

No matter what happens, always remember that I love you, Grace. Take care and see you soon.

~Mum

I read over the words, knowing I needed to tell her more but unable to write the words. I would tell her over the summer, once she was home. If Sirius succeeded, he was going to want to see her and I couldn't stop him. She would need to know.

After folding the letter, I placed it on the side table. Sending it would have to wait until I figured out how to get an owl. Maybe I should just buy one, that way, when I needed to send letters, I would be able to.

The clock ticked on the wall, echoing through the near-silent house. The radio was on, but soft, and the room was quiet. My socks brushed the floor as I walk, causing a brushing sound.

Suddenly, I missed Grace more than I had since she got on the Hogwarts Express and left in September. Days like this, Grace and I would go to the shopping centre and wander around, having lunch and window-shopping. I wasn't about ready to go alone; I wasn't quite that desperate. Instead, I wandered through the house and into my bedroom, opening my closet door. Inside were piles of boxes from my first flat and the one I shared with Sirius. I hadn't touched them in years, and had forgotten much of what was in them.

I pulled out the last box in the back, simply labelled Sirius. Slicing the tape with an old pair of scissors, I pulled back the flaps and bent them down so I could peer into the box. I hadn't planned on opening this or if I did, it was because I had told Grace who her father was and we were looking in here together.

Mum had packed everything of Sirius' and Kate had taped up the boxes before my move. She wanted to donate everything to the homeless shelter, but I wouldn't let her. For some reason I wanted to keep everything. Maybe it was because all these things reminded me of when we were happy, before I discovered what he was.

Every since I had gotten my memories back, he was all that I could think about. I thought of every kiss, every embrace, every time we spent together. Any time someone mentioned being serious, I thought of his cheesy pun. Any time I heard someone laugh in the same bark-like manner as him, I glanced around wildly hoping to catch a glimpse. It was pathetic and stupid, but I couldn't help it.

At the top of the box were a few of his tee shirts. I picked one up and held it to my face, inhaling the remnants of his cologne and his scent. I missed this. I missed his smell, how comforting it was. After the escapade with Michael, I loved coming home and curling up next to him on the couch. It was so comforting to sit next to him and just relax. It was like he was home.

'Damn it, Krista, let go of the past!'

After pulling out the tee shirts and an extra pair of jeans and placing them aside, I pulled out a small pile of envelopes. There wasn't much in them, a few scraps of paper with notes written on them. I placed them aside and reached for the next pile. These held pictures, a few from parties I had attended when Sirius and a few from before Sirius.

I pulled out a few, smiling at the faces looking up at me. There were pictures from New Years and Halloween, birthday parties and random shots. We were all so happy, so friendly. Sure, there was a war going on and I never knew if Sirius would come home. But the times we spent together were so happy.

I was shocked when I felt something wet slide down my cheek; I hadn't realized I was crying. My heart ached and I hadn't realized how much I missed them until now. Lily was my first girlfriend since Rebecca and I loved how quickly we connected. And James was so nice to me, happily welcoming me into his best mate's life even though I was completely different from them. He helped rescue me not once, but twice. He picked on me and made me feel so comfortable with them.

And Harry. Harry was such an adorable baby, so sweet and happy. What was he like now? How had the death of his family affected him?

'I'm sorry,' I whispered, wiping my eyes with the back of my hands. 'I'm so sorry. I wish you two were here. I wish things had ended different.'

I continued reaching into the box, pulling out more photos and letters, some I read and some I just put aside. At the bottom of the box, was a thick, heavy leather journal. It was exactly like the journal Sirius gave me for Christmas that year, which I got back this Christmas and like the one I found in Sirius' flat before I moved in. I opened it, seeing his signature written on the inside cover, Sirius O. Black and began flipping through pages.

At the time, I didn't read it. I simply tossed it in the box and went about my business. I hadn't even realized it was still here. Why hadn't he taken it with him?

When I woke up the day after Halloween, I noticed immediately that the majority of his things were gone. He had removed pictures, books and letters, and at the time I didn't know why. Of course, now that I remember everything, I know. He didn't want me to find anything that would trace back to magic. He wanted me completely ignorant of everything.

While I am still very angry for taking my memories, I do understand why he did it. How could I not?

I looked back down at the notebook and smiled. Most of his writing was illegible, like he didn't want anyone but him to read it, which was understandable. I was able to read a few pages and his writing brought back memories of little notes tucked into my lunch bag for work. I should have felt guilty reading what was so obviously his journal, but I didn't. Maybe because I felt like I needed to know some things, even if he didn't want me to.

I managed to decipher a few of his entries.

Dear Journal,

Krista was in danger. One of her co-workers was a Death Eater and I didn't know it. He kidnapped her, tied her up and locked her in a basement. If Prongs and I hadn't gotten there at that moment, he might have killed her. I could have lost her forever and the thought makes me sick to my stomach.

I love her, I know I do. And she loves me too; she told me in the hospital. I want to marry her; I know she's the one for me, but… I don't dare. Not now, not when every time I leave the house, I might not come home. I can't do that to her.

Maybe once this war is over and things have calmed down. I want to have a family with her… to be a better parent than mine were to me.

I stared down at the paper. I knew he wanted to marry me, I found the ring in his drawer when I moved out. Would he have proposed? Would we have been married? Could we have had a family? Maybe have had more children and been happy. We could have bought a house near James and Lily and been happy. Grace and Harry could have grown up together, maybe been best friends.

Flipping through some more pages, I settled in on the last entry in the journal. It was written a couple days before Halloween, the last time he was at the flat for longer than a few hours.

I don't know what to do. Voldemort is after us. He's coming after Prongs, Lily and Harry, and maybe me, too. I don't know what to do.

I have to keep her safe, but I don't even know how to keep myself safe. She keeps asking me… wants me to tell her what's going on, but I can't do it. I can't worry her like that. I can't tell her that we might not make it through, that I might not make it through.

Writing this down doesn't help. I thought it would, but all it's doing is upsetting me more. I love her, but I can't hurt her…

The entry ended there, though I knew what happened after. A few days later, he showed up on our doorstep, his eyes red and bloodshot with tears. Our best friends had been murdered. He didn't tell me; I had to find out the next day on the news.

Did I want to keep this out and show Grace? She'd be home again in a few weeks for the Easter holidays. Should I tell her then? Or wait until the end of the year?

I spent the night debating, going over both choices in my mind. Even the next day, I wasn't sure what conclusion I came to, if any.

AN: I know it's short and I'm sorry. But thank you to: LadyStrider17, HI, nothing-inmyway, Olga and Elias, and AllenPitt for reviewing the previous chapter! If you're in America, have a Happy Thanksgiving!