Twelve becomes eleven once again. It shatters them all back into shadows of themselves.
They are all thirteen years old again. Shouldering the loss of a friend in the only way they know how.
In silence. But not in solitude.
This is different. Ino is much more now than just gone.
Sakura and her friends have a hard time looking each other in the eye for too long. It's been two weeks and Ino's absence is so profound, it's taken the 12th seat at their table, eager to stay.
A pain demanding to be felt.
Her death burns like a cheap sake down their throats and tt sneaks up on them in the middle of the night until they're gasping for air, unable to cry.
Unable to grieve.
This is war and shinobi are meant to die in war.
The Hokage has said it, over and over again, amongst the bodies of their fallen. Except this time, one of their one was amongst the dead.
Her mother wailed as the sun broke against the top of Hokage tower and Inoichi said nothing. He didn't move, he didn't speak. His wife crushed his hand in hers and he let her.
But he was a ninja. And he would act like one.
Yamato tells Sakura as they share some dango and tea that losing a child is the worst kind of a pain a person can endure. That it's quite literally like being lost at sea. There is no refuge.
There is no sunrise when all you wish to do is drown.
Sai and Naruto looks down at their untouched plates. The jinchuuriki makes a fist on his knee.
And Sakura suddenly can't taste the food in her mouth.
She wants to tell him that she almost understands. Better than he does. But Sakura swallows the words down and simply stares at her half eaten dango stick and then his dark worried eyes. She sweeps her arm across the table swiftly, clearing the tea cups and plates off the surface and letting them break against the floor of the dango shop.
Civilians watch, apprehension crossing their eyes while shinobi stare with an understanding too great.
It makes her feel naked.
"Stop looking at me like I'm going to break if you say her name!"
Yamato reaches for her hand from across the table, his face pleading for her to sit down. She wrenches it away.
But she is still unable to move away from them. The need to flee and the need to stay burn inside of her until she is not sure which one is winning. Yamato's almond eyes plead, again and again.
"Sakura-" he breathes.
"Say her name," she demands. Her viridian eyes tremble beneath his gaze but she slams her hand back down onto the table in front of her. He doesn't flinch. "Say her name!"
"Ino Yamanaka is dead," he says steadily. "And it's time you let her be."
Sakura takes a step back from him as if he slapped her. He immediately gets up and tries to follow her, slowly.
Lately she's like a wounded animal. Any sudden move, any wrong look and she shoots out of the door to who knows where as if sympathy is the worst thing someone could give her.
"She's gone, Sakura," Yamato says softly. He reaches out to grasp her by the shoulders but she flinches away. "There was nothing you could've done."
She shoves him. Yamato lets her. They've drifted outside of the dango shop now and into the afternoon light of midday. But Sakura can't feel it's warmth. She can smell the sandalwood scent of the taichou as he wraps her up tightly in his arms before she can pull away.
Sakura feels nothing.
The sadness eats at her every second of every day until she feels like she is only bones, crooked and brittle beneath the weight of Ino's death.
"There are a million things I could have done." Her hands curl into the sleeves of his shirt. She takes a ragged breath against his shoulder and Yamato holds her tighter. "Ino is gone."
She twists away from him and the loss of her against him plays too easily on his face. Sakura shakes her head and backs away.
"I'm sorry," she whispers. Her hands shake as she runs them through her pink hair. "I'm sorry," she says again. But Yamato gets the feeling that the last one isn't for him.
It's for Ino.
Sakura turns on her heels and is gone before he can blink. She sprints over Konoha's rooftops, not really going anywhere at all, until her feet drive her home without her consent. But as she watches her mother and father embrace outside the front door from the ledge of the roof, Sakura realizes she doesn't have the strength to endure her mother's questions or her father's kind stares.
Ino lingers far too much in her own home.
The kunoichi's sandals turn against the gravel of the rooftop and she flees to the eastern district, listening to the sounds of hammers and drills as pockets of destruction in the village are rebuilt.
Lady Hokage paces around the site where they are reconstructing the hospital. She barks orders, hands on her hips, at anyone she can. They need to move faster, they need to make it stronger than before.
But Sakura can't deal with her either right now. Her shishou doesn't talk about Ino. Doesn't seem to feel the crushing loss that racks the pinkette every time she takes a breath. Lady Tsunade puts too much faith in Sakura's ability to heal, choosing not to baby her apprentice in her time of loss because Sakura can manage. Sakura can endure.
But this is one wound that she can't heal with her hands.
Her feet carry her off once again and Sakura finds herself standing at the foot of the stairs of Kakashi's apartment complex. She can't bring herself to climb them. Not just yet.
They sleep together still, coming back together at night because there is really no other place to go. But it's a cold, thick silence between them. Kakashi battles his own demons in the dead of night and doesn't know what to say to Sakura when she sobs Ino's name out into the dark of their bedroom.
There's longing there. A desire for him to open his mouth and say all the right things but Kakashi has never been that type of man. He sees Moegi in his sleep. He watches Yamato carry Sakura's body from the wreckage in his dreams. There is nothing he can say that will hold any weight.
All he can do is stroke her hair and hold her until the whimpering stops. And it is not enough.
But as she feels his chakra presence inside, leaning against where the kitchen sink should be, Sakura can't face him right now either. Her sandals grind against the gravel on the road and she goes to the only place that will seem to have her as of recently.
So much guilt curls up in her fingers. So much shame tucking away the corners of her mouth.
And yet no one knows what to say. No one has the right words. Because everyone has lost someone and as ninja, this is a road a shinobi must travel alone.
It is a fate that they cannot escape.
Her feet take her to the cemetery and he's already there. He lays against the fresh grass of Ino's grave, spiky head leaning against the headstone, arms tucked in behind it, and he watches the clouds. Sakura, as she approaches, watches the slow rise and fall of his chest. She witnesses the hitch in every breath as he teaches himself, slowly, painfully, how to breathe again.
They've learned how to live under the same suffocating sky. But just barely.
She takes her place next to him silently and lays down atop Ino's grave. They say nothing. Her eyes watch the white commulus cloud float through the bright expanse of blue and it's sickening. How can a day so beautiful be a world without Ino?
How can they stand living under a sky that looks too much like the color of her eyes?
Sakura suddenly can't breathe. She takes in ragged gasps of air and tears at the grass beneath her until her fingernails are caked with dirt. The balloon in her chest, which has been expanding hour by hour, day by day, suddenly bursts inside of her and Sakura shoots up with a scream.
She curls into a ball of pink and red and heaves into her knees.
Ino's hair is there, tickling her shoulder. Ino's laugh is there, tinkling in her ear, along with the loud shrill sound of her voice. Her touch, her breath against Sakura's shoulder the last time they hugged, her bright smile and the goddamn look on her face everytime she looked at Shikamaru, it's all there and blinding.
Sakura howls into herself and Shikamaru rises up to sit next to her.
"Cherry…" he whispers. It's the first word he's said in days and Sakura turns her head to look at him.
"I'm so sorry, Shikamaru." A heavy cry rips through her. "I should've pushed her out of the way, I should've done something, anything but all I could do was-"
She stops herself, the words lodging in her throat until they sit there like a heavy weight.
All I could do was think about my family.
Her hands come around herself, holding the child growing silently within her and she lets out another sob.
Kakashi asked her why she hasn't cried for Ino yet. He told her to let it out before it kills her.
And he was right. Sakura tears leak down onto the earth beneath her and it reminds that she is indeed sitting upon the grave of her best friend.
Of the girl who gave Sakura her own identity with a stupid red ribbon and a smile.
Shikamaru wraps his arm around his companion and pulls her into his side. He drops his head down onto hers and gives a shaky sigh as if it's the only spare breath his lungs can give. His ribs push against hers and it reminds her that they're both still alive.
And how small parts of them wish they weren't.
"She died a shinobi, Sakura."
"Don't you dare!" she spits at him, snapping her gaze to look at him. Sad dark eyes stare back but her words crawl their way up into her mouth like bile. "Don't you dare reduce her to nothing but a pawn in this fucking game we call the Will of Fire like everyone else does!"
His eyes churn and tilt dangerously. Shikaku stares back at her now and Sakura grows quiet.
"I am not reducing her to anything less than what she is." Shikamaru swallows hard. "What she was." He takes her face in his hands and makes her look at him. His almost tan skin pulls down at the corners of his mouth. "She died a shinobi. She died with honor and valor and you will give that meaning after her death."
His features soften and he looks like Asuma. Shikamaru leans his head against hers in a sign of resignation. Of that heavy yet weightless state of grief.
"What greater gift can we give her now than a purpose, Sakura? She died so you and I-" he grips the back of her pink hair gently and holds her forehead there against his as if he could send his thoughts to her through his skin, "could live. If we don't grant her that, she will have nothing in death."
Tears stream over his knuckles and Sakura tries to breathe.
"I loved her too," he says after a long pause. His voice shakes and he shuts his dark eyes. It hurts to say it. "I loved her too."
Sakura throws her arms around Shikamaru and they stay like that. They teach each other how to breathe again and until he stops his trembling. Their shadows shift and break against the fresh grass of Ino's grave and she can't help but feel as if they all lean towards Shikamaru. Like he calls for them in the back of his mind.
She can feel the press of Asuma's lighter clutched in his hand as he crushes it against her back.
They settle down against Ino's grave and watch the sky turn from the color of Ino's eyes to the dark dusty color of sunset. But even then they do not leave. They stay. They talk, they chuckle, and they miss her long into the night when it's a little cold and the stars blink back at them. Soon enough, the two of them, curled up like two children together, fall asleep against the cemetery dirt.
But only after promising Ino that tomorrow they will get up and live. Or at least try to.
His breath stirs the pink locks on her face and it's late before Shikaku and Kakashi find them.
The Nara patriarch hauls his son up slowly, carefully, and the boy opens his eyes as he settles against his father's back. Shikaku wraps his arms beneath Shikamaru's legs to support his weight.
"Time to go, son."
The boy looks at his father and he nods. Tomorrow he will be a man again. But right now, as his father gives Kakashi one last long look before turning on his heels to carry his son home, Shikamaru remains a child.
"Does it ever stop, Dad?"
The older man sighs and turns to look at his boy. Moonlight illuminates the three deep angry lines of scratches that Ino left on Shikamaru. He's going to allow them to scar, the last mark Ino will ever leave on him, and Shikaku can't help but notice that he looks too much like himself now.
With the same kind of grief in his eyes.
"Would you believe me if I said yes?"
Kakashi watches them go and he clenches his jaw as he turns back to Sakura. Her baby bump peeks out of the hem of her shirt and the thought of one day having to carry his own son or daughter from the grave of their lover is terrifying.
That is, if Kakashi lives long enough to see that day.
He leans down and picks Sakura up in his arms. She reacts instinctually, curling up into his chest with her arms around his neck. Masked lips brush against her forehead and she stirs, only slightly.
"Kakashi…" she mumbles and then shivers. He pulls her close and takes off in an easy sprint towards the apartment, across the rooftops where they can't be seen.
They arrive within a few minutes and he carries her inside. Kakashi sets her down on the bed and gets to work on taking off her sandals. He expertly unzips her skirt and tugs it down, along with all her ninja gear and her headband. Sakura opens her eyes at the sound of his sigh and watches sleepily as he puts away her things into the one drawer she has claimed as her own.
He strips down to his pants only, turns out the light, and crawls in next to her. But before she can say anything, his back turns on her and Sakura is left to stare at the contraction of his shoulder blades. She traces his spine with the tip of her index finger.
"Why won't you talk to me?" she asks in a whisper. Kakashi's back stiffens for just a moment.
"I talk to you."
"Only enough to get you by."
The bed creaks beneath the shift of his weight and he turns over to face her. His one gray eye studies her sullen face while the sharingan remains shut. She reaches out and traces the scar over it.
"What am I supposed to say, Sakura?"
She frowns.
"That Ino's death is meaningful. That one day the ache will dull and I won't feel guilty for living." Her voice cracks but Kakashi doesn't reach for her. His eyes search her face for the answer to her own question but he can't find it. He rubs his jaw tiredly.
"None of those things are true."
Sakura retracts her hand from his face. He can't stand the hurt playing at the edges of her eyes.
"Ino died too young," he says slowly. "There is no honor in losing something that wasn't even fully grown."
"Stop it, Kakashi."
But he doesn't. His voice raises little by little until Sakura shrinks back from him. The ghosts from under his bed, the faces swirling in the click of the sharingan, they cover him like a film and Sakura feels exposed to them.
She feels what he feels and it hurts.
"The ache doesn't go away. The guilt doesn't dull like the edge of a blade, Sakura."
"Maybe we're not all like you, Kakashi," she hisses back. "Maybe not all of us tear ourselves apart at the seams every time someone we love dies."
"Is that not what you're doing right now?"
"And what about you? You call for Moegi in your sleep."
His jaw clenches.
"I told you. There is no honor when someone so young dies."
"You feel responsible, don't you?"
He narrows his one stormy eye.
"Don't you?"
The words hit her square in the chest and Sakura bites her lip, holding in the breath she's about to lose.
"We're supposed to be a family," she says quietly. "I need you to tell me how to survive." Sakura reaches for him but Kakashi doesn't reach back.
"And then what? We go on living. We have our baby and then what?" He waits for an answer but there is none. "I do not want to become Inoichi Yamanaka and mourn the death of my child, Sakura."
She pulls back, the force in his voice making it hard to get closer. His silver brow is furrowed and he frowns, his handsome mouth curved down at the corners while his hand clutches the pillow beneath him too tightly.
"Is that what this is about?"
Kakashi gives a soft chuckle.
"I'm a father now. That's all it will ever be about."
"Don't you think I feel that way?" she snaps. "This is my-"
"No, you don't," he interjects harshly. "You ran off to war and it was reckless."
"I saved lives today!" she says loudly. "And I will do it again. Ino did not die for me to sit on the sidelines."
"She did not die for you to get yourself killed." His voice raises another level and he swings his legs over the edge of the bed. His back is to her once more and he buries his face in his hands tiredly. The moonlight shimmers across his silver hair and the raises and bumps of scars along his back. His softens into the callused skin of his hands. "Why won't you listen to me?"
Silence stretches on until a canyon stands between them. All he has to do is reach for her.
To call her back to the chasm she's about to dive into.
But as he sits there and breathes, unable to even look at her, Sakura knows that he won't.
Not tonight.
"I don't have long before people start to notice." Sakura sits upright slowly. "But until then, I will not allow any more of my friends to die in this war."
He stands and turns to her, whipping around on his bare heels until he faces her. Anger drives his hands into his hair.
Fear trembles his voice.
"Did you ever learn anything from me? It is unavoidable, Sakura. Shinobi die and as I tell Naruto, almost every day, you can't save everyone."
Her lower lip trembles and she wipes her wet viridian eyes. Her next words are bitter.
"Just because you couldn't, doesn't mean I won't try."
He grinds his teeth together as familiar faces flash before the whirling pupil of the sharingan.
But one face in particular lingers.
"Why did you go to Yamato?"
Her face suddenly goes blank. Confusion ripples her features.
"What?"
He doesn't repeat himself. Sakura scoffs and she shakes her pink head.
"This isn't the time to be jealous, Kakashi."
"Why," he demands again. An ugly feeling crawls up from his gut and makes a nest in his ribcage. His right hand curls into a fist.
"He was there. When she died."
"So was the Hokage. So was Shizune."
She stares at him, a little dumbfounded. Her cheeks flush with anger.
"Why does it matter?"
"Because I thought you were dead." His voice shakes.
"Are you forgetting I love him too?!" she shouts, getting to her feet. "Are you forgetting that I was once perfectly happy with him before you came along and got me pregnant? Those things don't just go away overnight, Kakashi."
He flinches back as if she struck him.
This time, an ocean fills the space between them.
And Kakashi suddenly forgets how to swim.
He turns away from her and picks up a shirt from the floor. His mask goes over his face and he grabs his headband off the nightstand with a too eager hand.
Sakura bites her lip. The anger in her swells down to a regret.
"Kakashi…I didn't mean that."
He leans with his hands against the dresser as he stares at himself in the mirror. His one gray eye follows her anxious gaze through the glass and he hangs his head. A sigh falls from his masked lips.
"I know."
Her stomach tightens with dread.
"Then why are you leaving?"
He turns back to her and gives an eye crinkling smile. The ingenuity of it drips off him like sweat but it's the only way he can express himself.
It's the only mask he has left to hide behind.
"Because love and loved are two very different things."
Sakura realizes her mistake but before she can scramble out of bed, Kakashi drops out of his still open window and he's gone before she can even peer out of it.
The kunoichi, with tears in her eyes, slams it shut when his chakra signature fades into a thin pulse. She crushes her fingers in the hurriedness of her actions and they throb with rivulets of pain. Her free hand captures it to her chest and she holds it there, unable to move.
Unable to cry.
Sakura thinks of Ino in this moment.
Ino and Shikamaru, Ino and Choji, Ino and Naruto, Ino and Sai.
She sweeps over Inoichi's once happy face and watches it crumple into the hollow shell it is today.
Yamato's almond eyes snap before her and she sinks down to the floor, hugging her knees.
"We're supposed to be a family." She reaches for him from across the bed. "Tell me how to survive."
Sakura drops her pink head into her hands and gives another low, dry sob.
Her hand curled in Yamato's sleeve. The I love you she screamed at Kakashi over the noise of war.
Shikamaru's dark eyes stare back at her as he peers up from their game of shogi. The sunset plays on his face and it stings to remember how full his cheeks were then.
He walks around the village looking like a starved man as of lately.
"Two flames at the same time, hmm?" He moves the two generals side by side. "Most people think love is a straight line. From point A," he slaps a piece down, "To point B," she slaps another, "And then the long stretch home."
"You don't think so?" She stares at the board. Shikamaru captures her silver general smoothly.
"Nothing is ever a straight line, Cherry."
Her shoulders quake beneath the weight of the memory and she aches for Ino. She aches for her warmth and her sharp tongue. It burns hotter than her grief and Sakura can't help but cave into herself, trembling all over like the shake of her bottom lip.
From inside her, as if called awake but the distress of it's mother, Kakashi's baby kicks for the first time.
It startles Sakura right out of her sadness and she presses her hands to belly as she sits in the dark of his bedroom, amazed at the movement within her. The kunoichi smiles through her splotched cheeks.
"Hey," she says quietly to her bump, "Hi." Sakura wipes the tears away with the back of her hand hurriedly. She moves them slowly over her tummy, cradling the child still growing in her womb. "Don't worry about me. I'll be just fine." Sakura attempts a smile. "Mommy loves you so much."
The baby kicks again and the pinkette laughs. A mixture of an excited and sad breath of amazement. She wraps her arms around herself when her smiles start to tremble out of place.
She thinks of Kakashi and his mismatched eyes. And the baby kicks one more time.
Her voice cracks.
"He loves you too." Her arms tighten around her and she holds in a sob. "So much."
Yamato kneels on the dirt, panting heavily. His shoulder blades contract beneath a sheen of sweat as the sun covers his bare back in a warm, overwhelming light.
He wipes the salty wetness from his temples and gets back to his feet, uneasily.
The world is a little dizzy and he might just have to meet the ground once more. But a hand is there, guiding him upright.
And he would know her touch out of thousands.
The taichou's eyes swivel to his right and Sakura is there. She attempts a smile. And he takes it gratefully.
"Hey," he rumbles with a small grin. "Nice to see you."
Sakura shifts her shoulders. The corner of her mouth turns up.
"Likewise."
She turns to the apartment complex he just finished rebuilding, the wood slick and strong. From beside her, he follows her eyes and tries not to breathe so heavily. He's nearly out of chakra.
"You've been working too hard, I see."
Yamato chuckles and reaches for his shirt resting on the newly grown tree adorning the front garden. He tugs it on quickly and with a sideways glance at Sakura, checks to see that he doesn't smell too bad. She notices and tries not to smile.
The gesture feels too foriegn on her mouth and it instantly flits away. He does his best not to frown.
Sakura's eyes still carry dark circles beneath them. And her cheeks look hollower than before.
His fingers reach for her face before he can stop them. He strokes them along the skinny bone, wishing his fingertips could summon a blush like they once were able to. Yamato attempts a smile.
"Is Kakashi not feeding you enough? Might need to give him a piece of my mind soon."
The joke is lost on Sakura. She blinks up at him as if he hardly said anything at all. The name of her current lover seems to cut and he instantly regrets it.
Must be trouble in paradise.
But then Ino's pale blue eyes flash before him and he's ashamed.
War is hard on lovers. Especially shinobi who come home carrying the weight of all that goes on in the battlefield like dirt on their gear.
Except the stain of blood goes farther than the red on your hands.
"I could eat," she suddenly says. He turns back to her, one dark eyebrow raised. The sun glints off of his helmet and she's not sure if it's the metal or his smile that blinds her. "If you'd like."
The shinobi looks up at the position of the sun in the sky. Then back at Sakura. She waits, impatience rimming the corners of her too empty eyes, and he knows he should decline. The War Council is meeting in little less than an hour and both of them are required to be there. Conversations with her, as of lately, seem to stretch on. There is too much silence in between her half finished thoughts. Too many things left unsaid.
But he can't turn down her offer.
The same grief is there. Curled up in the sharp turn of her cheekbones. The fragility in her limbs like a bird whose wings have just been broken. She holds them to her like an old song she used to remember.
Ino's absence writes itself onto her skin until he can swear there isn't an inch left of her untouched.
Is this how he looked? After Genma and Akira died. Hungry for something that only death can give back. The thought terrifies him.
He fakes a smile as he shrugs on his flak jacket.
"Where to?"
Sakura's viridian eyes watch him strap on his helmet. The corner of her mouth turns up at the familiarity of his movements.
But Ino's touch lingers on her shoulder and Sakura's blood runs cold. She doesn't answer.
Yamato, pretending not to notice, bends down to fake an adjustment to his sandals. He gives her some time to recompose her expression after it had crested and she gulps it down gratefully.
When he gets back up, their foot move together in a single bound towards an unspoken direction. But there is no need for words. He already knows what her lips won't speak.
They head to the Ryou's, a street food vendor famous for his gyoza in Konohagakure, and already Yamato can smell the dumplings frying in their batter as they turn the corner. His stomach growls expectantly and from beside him, Sakura chuckles.
The sound surprises him and he tries not to grin too widely.
"It's been awhile," she says offhandedly as they wait in line behind a civilian and her young child. Sakura can't help but to smile down at the baby in the woman's arms. He smiles back and gurgles happily. "Kakashi doesn't really care for fried foods."
Yamato's smile drops and he rubs the back of his head.
"The occasional tempura though, he can't resist." He tries to keep his voice friendly.
Sakura realizes her mistake and instantly wishes she could take Kakashi's name right back and hide it away where it belongs. But the damage is done and she sees Yamato's right hand tremor, once.
"If it's not eggplant, he won't even try," she adds quietly. Half-heartedly. He gives a polite smile and takes a step forward. Ryou, a rickety old man, sees the two of them at the window and points his bamboo cane to the back where his granddaughter prepares the dumplings.
"Kyoko," he rasps, "They're back! Two daily specials, on the double!"
The young woman gives a furious bow to the shinobi and goes about her work. Yamato chuckles at the old man's enthusiasm and fishes some cash out of his pocket. Ryou's eyes wander over Sakura with a sad smile.
"I heard about your friend, Sakura-san. The blondie."
From beside him, Sakura stiffens. Yamato's hand instinctively goes out to capture hers.
She holds on for dear life.
"She and her teammates, the chubby one with the long hair and that Nara boy, brought good business to me. Her death is truly a tragedy." He gives a deep bow after he hands Yamato two pairs of chopsticks and a bowl of dumplings to share. Sakura, rigidly, returns it.
"Thank you, Ryou-san. We appreciate it."
The pinkette gives her best attempt a smile and turns away hurriedly, without letting Yamato get in another word as he stumbles after her, both hands preoccupied.
Her fingernails dig into his palm and he lets her. They take a seat at the wooden benches nearby in silence. Sakura's shoulders quake beneath the weight of her name.
Her pink lips move with the whisp of numbers. Counting.
They tremble beneath the stare of a sky painted like Ino's eyes. Yamato watches as she clutches his fingers, feeling for the trace of her skin on his where he carried her out of the rubble. But there is nothing. Only the scent of sandalwood and the callused pads of his fingertips.
Ino is gone and it wells up inside of her like a flood.
It leaks from the corners of her eyes and he wraps his fingers around hers in return.
Jade meets rich earthy brown and Yamato presses her chopsticks into her free hand.
They say nothing. Sakura takes a few more gasping breaths before her lungs calm back down to a smooth rhythm. She takes a dumpling between the ends of her utensils and pops it into her mouth while he does the same.
Neither of them let go.
And Sakura is sure that neither of them want to.
They finish the bowl of vegetable and chicken dumplings leisurely. The sun ticks on by and the village grows crowded. Carpenters head out to the eastern district to finish up repairs. Mothers go grocery shopping, tugging their children by the hand while shinobi take their lunch breaks. Some have their gear strapped on and head in packs to the main gate where they will undoubtedly do what shinobi always do.
The congestion in the streets grows thicker and Yamato recognizes the signs of the War Council beginning to gather. He can tell by the shuffle of certain sandaled feet, the same expression on every face as they head to Hokage Tower.
Thirst. Grief.
The ticking in their disturbed natural balances grows louder. A call for war.
A call for justice.
"I wanted to apologize for the other day," she begins. Sakura rubs her thumb along the curve of his knuckle. "Shoving you was inappropriate."
Yamato lets out a sigh. His eyes catch Gai and Kurenai as they pass by, heading to Hokage Tower. Their sight lingers on their intertwined hands and there's a twitch in Gai's mouth that makes the taichou unfurl his fingers from hers.
She tries not to be bothered by it.
"You're grieving, Sakura." He rubs the back of his brown hair until his fellow jonin are long gone. "People do things in the face of death that can only be explained by mourning." Something stains his voice as it runs a little deeper than usual. She looks at him and his almond eyes stare out into the street. Heavily. Unseeing. He mumbles back to her quietly,
"I know I did."
She remembers her screams in the dark of their bedroom. The scratch of his wood release against her throat.
How her lungs burned for air beneath the dark empty stare of her favorite pair of eyes.
The thought jolts Sakura upright and she's instantly flooded with a wave of guilt.
Mismatched, red and gray against a pale face are her favorite. Should be.
Not the almond ones staring back at her right now.
"What's wrong with you and Kakashi, Sakura?"
The question startles her and her hands fidget up to her hair.
"Nothing. We're fine."
Yamato watches her fingers try to comb out nonexistent tangles from her pink locks. His gaze darkens with worry, the gesture of her fingers playing with her hair a familiar one.
"It takes," he lets in a deep, settling breath, "a large amount of courage for me to talk about this. So please," Yamato tugs her hand away from her face so he can look at her. He tucks a long strand of blossom pink behind her ear. "Don't lie to me."
She stares into him for a few moments, trying to dissect his motives and his intentions from that absurdly kind expression in his eyes. But there is only concern.
Her lip trembles and she turns her eyes to the sky, trying to force away the wetness brimming there. Large, soft clouds pass by overhead and Sakura suddenly wishes sorely for Shikamaru.
"I'm drowning, Yamato." Her voice lowers to an almost inaudible whisper. "I can't breathe." She turns back to the taichou. Her voice breaks. "And once again, he has no idea how to help me."
He pretends that it isn't killing him. That he could do better than him.
Yamato forces back the thought like a pill. He swallows hard.
"When Sasuke defected," she whips her head back to his and there's a glimpse of a hurt that has nothing to do with Ino or this war. He has the urge to look away but doesn't. "Where was Kakashi? Where was my sensei?" Her voice shakes and he puts a comforting hand on her knee. But she doesn't seem to notice it.
"Naruto had Jiraiya," she says this with a bitter chuckle and it burns it's way up her throat. "I had a sensei who avoided me at all costs and a shishou who wouldn't come along until half a year later."
"Sakura, you have to realize that Kakashi bl-"
"Blames himself for Sasuke," she interjects sharply. "That he shoulders the guilt for not being able to give him what he needed. That if only Kakashi had noticed it sooner, he could have saved Sasuke. He could've helped the boy that was too much like himself. I know the story, Yamato."
He drops his eyes to his sandals.
"But that doesn't change the fact that he chose his guilt and his blame over his student. I needed him. Naruto was gone and Kakashi was the only person who could've possibly understood and he couldn't even look at me." She takes a rattling breath and angrily wipes a tear spilling over the edge of her sharp cheek.
"I see the glassy eyes of shinobi in my sleep. I wash my hands over fifty times a day because they still smell like the enemy's blood. And Ino-" Sakura swallows hard and she blinks back her tears once again. "Ino is gone." She wraps her arms around herself. "She's dead and I don't know how to be in a world without her." Her eyes find his and he stares sadly back. He watches her crumble. "I'm drowning, Yamato." The quietest of sobs falls from her lips.
"And he won't save me."
Sakura's shoulders shake and she begins to curse herself for not being able to hold it together. Her throat becomes thick with crying and tears spill their way down her face until she can taste them on her lips. The sun beats down on them and Yamato sweats beneath the collar of his shirt but his blood has run cold as he watches Sakura gasp for air.
Shinobi pass by them and avert their eyes respectfully. Knowingly. Civilians try not to stare but they can't help it. Ninja crying is a rare sight indeed and it makes Yamato's insides clench.
He gathers Sakura up in his arms and cradles her pink head into his shoulder. She holds onto him so tightly, he's afraid he'll never be able to let her go again.
And he doesn't want to.
"He never wanted this for you, Sakura." Yamato strokes her short locks and stares painfully at nothing over her shoulder. "You have to realize that while you carry the weight of Ino's death. Of the enemy's blood." She sniffles against his flak jacket and he tries to slow his heart beat, knowing she can hear it.
"He carries the weight of not only your grief. " His lips graze against her ear and he whispers, "But all of Konoha's."
Kakashi gets the urge to pinch the bridge of his nose between his two fingers.
Konohamaru's name falls off of Moegi's pale lips once again and it echoes loudly in his skull until the lights become too bright and his blood begins to churn and prick beneath his skin. Until it's all he can hear beneath the layers of the hospital crumbling down into shatters, burying civilian and shinobi alike beneath the rubble.
Long blonde hair spills over the edge of Yamato's arm. Shikamaru wails back at him like thunder.
'You told me to go back to the front lines! Now look at this! LOOK AT IT.'
His jaw clenches beneath his mask and he tries to sit a little straighter in his seat.
Sakura's jade eyes stare back at him as he narrows his gaze at a spot on the floor.
'We're supposed to be a family.'
"Kakashi-" someone seems to whisper. But all he can hear is the tremble in her voice.
All he can think about is the curve of her growing belly pressed against his own.
"Kakashi!"
The jonin snaps his eyes back to Tsunade. Her mouth twitches into a hard line.
"Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated," the Hokage says through her teeth, pointedly darting her eyes to the War Council who all stare at him too closely.
Too observantly.
He does what he always does. His eye crinkles in a smile and he says rather cheerfully,
"I think it's a disastrous plan."
A collective murmur rips through the Council and he finds Sakura's bright hair shaking from side to side, her gaze casted downwards to her hands on her knees.
From beside him, Yamato crosses his arms.
"What do you propose we do then? Wait until they march back up to our doorstep?" calls the Inuzuka matriach, her canines leering in an unfriendly manner. Her ninken beside her gives a low growl. "I didn't take you for a coward, Hatake."
"Attacking Jōmae directly is suicide." Yamato's voice rings out into every corner of the room. Kakashi tries not to notice Sakura's attention snap back to the front at the sound of it. "The alliance between us and Suna is still pending, we alone cannot infiltrate the Lock."
Inoichi slams his fist down onto the table in front of him. Everyone jumps and no one, not a soul, meets his eye.
"I want justice for my daughter." He tightens his grief stricken mouth into a hard line. "And I want it now."
There's an agreement floating through the air and it makes Kakashi's skin crawl. Shikaku, from beside his lieutenant, enters the conversation with his usual low rumble. From the other side of Inoichi, Choza puts a large hand on his shoulder. The Yamanaka takes a rattling breath and leans back in his chair.
Kakashi can't help but notice how dull his eyes have become.
"Rock soldiers are being fed directly into Waterfall country which in turn sets up a defensive barrier in front of us and Jōmae," the copy ninja explains slowly. He points to the map behind him without looking. "We'd have to go through the two enemy camps along the border before we can even begin to trek to the Lock." He leans uneasily back in his chair. "And right now we just don't have that kind of manpower. Not without Suna."
"So what's your big plan, Commander," sneers Takeru Yuuta from his seat. The Hokage holds back the urge to roll her eyes while the old veteran leans back in his seat, hand over his paunch of a belly. "I can see the cogs turning in your little silver head, Hatake."
All eyes return to Kakashi. He doesn't even bristle from his slouch. He simply looks up at them.
His one gray orb churns like the center of a hurricane.
"We eliminate the Sound."
The Hokage swipes her forearm over the top of her desk. Scrolls, papers, roster sheets, and her tea glass, all scatter to the floor in a loud clatter. Tea spills at Sakura's feet as the sun sets on Konoha behind her and she takes a polite step back, weary. Shizune, nervously, goes to fetch a towel.
Tsunade sucks in frustrated breaths, one by one. She clamps her hands together in front of her mouth anxiously.
Danger pools in her gold eyes.
"How did I not see them coming?" Her fingers travel up into her blonde hairline. "How did I not know of the malice growing in the Lock right under our noses?"
Kakashi doesn't take his eyes off of his book as he leans into the corner of the room, one hand in his pocket.
"Their entire lifestyle is based on secrecy." He turns a page. "No one was supposed to know."
Tsunade pinches the bridge of her nose, shutting her hazel eyes tightly. She feels Sakura shift beside her.
"What're you fidgeting about?" she snaps to her apprentice. "Don't you have somewhere to be, Haruno? I know for a fact that there is still more work to be done at the medical tents." The Hokage raises a dangerous glare to her pink haired student but the girl doesn't flinch.
"Lady Tsunade…"
The Hokage doesn't look up from the glare she tries to drill into the wood of her desk.
Silence stretches on, almost to the point of being uncomfortable, and Kakashi finally looks up from his book. Sakura stands, nervously, at the edge of the Hokage's desk. He raises a silver eyebrow.
When she still doesn't speak, Tsunade finally raises her eyes. She frowns.
"What is it, Sakura?" Her voice has dropped to something low and concerned.
Green meets gray from across the room and Kakashi's heart skips a beat. He tucks his book away into his pocket and stands a little straighter.
The pinkette opens her mouth but nothing comes out. Her wide viridian eyes stare at the Hokage with fear and it makes Tsunade restless. She turns in her seat to fully face Sakura who takes a step back.
"Spit it out, Haruno!"
Sakura flinches this time. Her teeth clamp down onto her lip and Kakashi can't believe this is happening.
She's going to tell her.
Sakura is going to tell Tsunade that they're having a baby.
The room grows hot and Kakashi can't breathe. But he remains passive and still, afraid that the Hokage will hear his pulse from across the room.
But by the glance in his direction, he thinks she already has.
"Lady Tsunade," the pinkette begins. Her arms protectively curl around herself. "I have something to tell you."
The Hokage impatiently rolls her eyes.
"I figured as much. Now please," she crosses her legs and gives a sarcastic gesture of her hand. Her smile is apprehensive and Kakashi has the urge to flee. "Share."
Sakura's eyes dart between her shishou and Kakashi. Tsunade follows her anxious glances and she narrows her gold eyes at her Commander suspiciously. He doesn't move. He hardly breathes.
The jonin fixes his face into a half intrigued, half bored expression.
Inside his pocket, his fist clenches around the tattered ultrasound picture of his unborn child.
"I'm requesting…" the kunoichi swallows hard. Her forehead sweats and Kakashi really, really has the urge to flee.
Tsunade will scream. She will shout and break things and she will damn him into oblivion.
Sakura's eyes search for his and he nods reassuringly even though his palms have become clammy beneath his gloves.
This is it.
He watches Tsunade's impatience grow with every passing minute.
Sakura gathers her courage in the moment that her gaze locks with Kakashi's. She turns to face the Hokage and with the curl of her fists, she speaks as if for the first time in ten years. Her voice rasps.
"I'm requesting a-"
"Ma'am, may I enter?"
Kakashi's entire being nearly deflates at the interruption. His head snaps to the door as it creaks open and he glares at the intruder.
But it's gone as soon as it arrives.
"Lady Hokage," says Inoichi slowly. He pointedly tries not to look at Sakura.
Kakashi watches in horror as the pinkette starts to retreat back into herself. All the resolve to tell the Hokage is gone. All the desire to do the right thing has curled into ash in her gut and he suddenly has the urge to sit down. Or to leave.
Because he's about to steal the words right out of her mouth.
"Intelligence has gathered the approval for infiltration in exactly seven days time." The Yamanaka's eyes quiver over to Kakashi. "Their battalions in the field will return to the Sound on this day, tired and worn while their freshest troops will head out to link with their allies."
He has trouble looking at Inoichi for too long.
"We will strike when they are weak."
Lady Tsunade, her eyes still glued to a now too quiet and frightened Sakura, nods her head slowly before peeling her gaze from the kunoichi. She nods to Inoichi.
Kakashi can feel Sakura trembling at the sight of Ino's father from across the room.
And from the way Inoichi grips the door knob, his knuckles turning white with the effort, he knows that the grieving father feels the same at the sight of his daughter's best friend.
At all the memories her striking green gaze holds.
"Thank you, Inoichi. You're dismissed."
The Hokage watches the shinobi turn on his heels like the wrath of Kami is upon him. Sakura lets out a breath that no one knew she had been holding. Her eyes follow Inoichi out the door and they linger on the spot he had just been standing on.
Kakashi sees the rapid rise and fall of her chest. He can feel the ice in her blood as the patriach leaves behind a frail scent of fresh wet earth.
The smell of Ino after a day's work in the flower shop.
It rattles Sakura and tears threaten her viridian glass orbs.
Ino's hair spilling over the edge of Yamato's arm.
Ino and Shikamaru walking down the street, hand in hand, scowl against scowl.
Her fingertip pressed to Sakura's forehead with an all too familiar sneer.
It chips away at her resolve, at her will to tell Tsunade, brick by brick.
Kakashi can't watch any longer. He takes a step forward.
"Lady Tsunade, we-"
"Would like to travel to Suna in order to delegate with the Kazekage about our pending alliance." Sakura's words fly out of her mouth before she even realizes what she's saying. But the damage is done and Tsunade thinks it over, pressing her mouth into a thin hard line once again.
She doesn't believe them. Not quite yet.
Kakashi feels some hope still glimmer in the pit of his stomach.
"Why?" the Hokage drawls. She leans back in her chair.
Sakura doesn't miss a beat. Her spine straightens a little.
And Kakashi accepts his defeat. Angrily, as he clenches his jaw.
"If presented with a team of friendly faces that gently, but urgently, plead with him to create an alliance, Gaara is much more likely to agree. Kakashi sensei said that we have no chance of winning this war without Suna."
Tsunade leans farther back in her chair. She waits for Sakura to say more but she doesn't.
The back of Kakashi's neck breaks out in a sweat.
"The elders were prepared to take the journey on themselves." The Hokage gives a wry smile. "But I like this idea so much better. Very well. Team Kakashi, minus the Commander himself, will head to Suna tomorrow. Meet back here for a debriefing first thing in the morning."
Sakura tries not to smile. She bows her pink head and lets herself out of the Hokage's office.
The kunoichi tries not to brush up against Kakashi's shoulder as she passes by.
Once the door closes behind her, the copy ninja clears his throat. Tsunade peers up at him with tired eyes.
"Do you think it's wise to send our jinchuuriki, our wood style user and one of our best medical ninja out into the open like that?"
The Hokage furrows her brow.
"They're perfectly capable of taking care of themselves, Kakashi. You know this." She turns her chair around to face the open windows of her office. Dark orange and the beginnings of black night creep across the valley of Konoha.
Tsunade can't help but feel restless.
"We need Suna. Desperately." She pinches the bridge of her nose. "They will be more than fine."
He doesn't have an answer for her so he simply stands with his hands clamped behind his back, patiently waiting to be dismissed. But she holds him there for awhile longer, watching the lights of the village blink on like colored stars.
"You have a week to prepare the troops for the assault on Sound." Her eyes drift to the empty pockets of rubble and earth where construction has ceased for the night. And then they painfully slip over to the ghostly frame of the new hospital. Sadness pools like a cold sake in the pit of her stomach. "Make sure they pay for what they've done."
The Commander nods his head and takes this as his opportunity to leave. He turns on his heels and reaches for the door knob, desperate to get out of that suffocating room and go...where?
Home? His house is not a home when Sakura isn't there.
The thought leaves a bad taste in his mouth.
"Kakashi?"
The copy ninja turns his silver head to glance over his shoulder. His fingers linger on the cold brass of the knob.
"M'lady?"
Tsunade doesn't bother looking at him.
"What happened to the hospital," she says slowly, "what happened to Ino was not your fault."
He grips the handle too tightly in his gloved hand. Kakashi says nothing.
"Don't blame yourself for her grief."
The jonin shuts his eyes and tries to force down the gnawing at his core.
Still, he says nothing.
Naruto Uzumaki snores with his mouth wide open. His legs tangle in the bed sheets and his night cap has slipped down over his closed eyes. He scratches at his taut stomach and turns over, cradling his pillow closer to himself until his lips curve up in a smile.
"Oh Hina-chan…" he mumbles to no one, "You smell so good."
He gives a goofy chuckle and then starts snoring once again.
But the opening of his window has him up on his feet before he can even take another breath.
He lowers the kunai pointed at the intruder, his chest rising and falling with the sudden spike in adrenaline and he shakes the sleepiness from his whirpool eyes.
Pink and red perches on his windowsill like a certain sensei they share and she gives a smile.
Which ends up becoming more like grimace.
He sees it, plain across her face like it had been written there.
His own grief crawls up into his limbs but he keeps his face steady. Unchanging.
The jinchuuriki slips his weapon back under his pillow and holds out a hand to help her in. Without a word, Sakura takes it and sits on the edge of the bed. Her fingers shakily grasp at the zipper of her boots and she tries not to look at him as tears threaten her jade eyes.
Naruto pretends not to notice and slips into bed beside her once she settles down onto his sheets.
The scene is an all too familiar one for him as they lay side by side in the dark, watching his ceiling fan twirl above their heads.
It seems like a lifetime ago since the last time Sakura crawled into his bed in the middle of the night.
He turns on his side and touches the sharp line of her cheekbone. She shifts in order to face him and he remembers her looking exactly like this, just beneath the open window as the moonlight strikes her face. They laid together and whispered to each other cracked words about lost teammates and broken bonds.
About a love so powerful it could move mountains. Or at least, that's what she had thought back then.
He remembers seeing the reflection of bright sharingans spin in her watery gaze.
But a different kind of grief has drawn the dark circles under her eyes and he traces them gingerly with a fingertip.
It makes him ache.
"You miss her that much, huh?" he says in a whisper. Sakura traces the whiskers on his face and tries not to let him see her lip tremble.
"We have to get him on our side, Naruto." The kunoichi's voice cracks. "Gaara has to help us win this war."
He furrows his pale brow in thought.
"It isn't his war to fight," he replies after a long moment. Sakura angrily wipes tears away from her cheek.
"If Jōmae isn't stopped, it will soon be everybody's war."
Naruto sighs. He rubs his cheek tiredly and tries not to see Ino's face when he closes his eyes.
"Sakura, he has to think about his own village. His own people above all-"
"Ino did not die for us to lose," she whispers back fiercely. Her jade eyes search his blue ones for a spark, a glimmer of his Will of Fire so she can grab onto it and feed it with her own.
With Ino's as it simmers down in the pit of her belly.
Her voice cracks again.
"She didn't die for us to not to try."
Naruto thinks about this for a long time as well. With every long moment of silence stretching between them, he can feel Sakura start to sink into herself from right beside him. Her eyes start to fade back into a blank slate and it reminds him too much of the last time she had climbed through his window.
Of the suffering that Sasuke had left behind.
The jinchuuriki acts impulsively and crushes Sakura to him.
His skin is warm across her pale cheek and he can feel the wetness of her eyes spilling down onto his chest.
Sakura cries. She grips onto him and hiccups and sobs like they're both thirteen again and the worst thing that could have ever happened to them had happened.
This grief is far greater than that a friend who does not wish to come home.
Naruto swallows the lump in his throat as he hears Ino's annoying screech of a voice call out for
Shikamaru inside his head.
The Nara boy's sunken cheeks and dark empty eyes make an appearance inside his brain and Naruto holds Sakura closer to him.
There is too much sadness in his friends. Too much suffering in just the way they breathe.
He tries not to stiffen at the thought of, who's next?
Who else are they going to have to mourn?
Whose death is going to perch Sakura onto his windowsill once again?
He shuts his eyes tightly and mumbles against the top of her head.
"No one else is going to die, Sakura-chan. I'll make Gaara understand." The words come out before he can stop himself. "I promise."
She tips her forehead to his and she tries another smile. Her lips just can't seem to get it right.
Sakura shifts on the bed, turning her back to Naruto so she can stare up at the moon
eavesdropping on their conversation. Naruto turns to lay on his stomach, her spine pressed up against his side, and he tries to go back to sleep.
His breathing gets deeper after a few moments, lingering on a snore. She counts the exhales.
Kakashi's mismatched eyes are the last thing she sees before she slips off into the first deep sleep she's had in weeks.
Her dreams smell of ink and the salt of fresh ramen. Rain water and the crisp curl of sandalwood.
A fire yawns between them all and the ground of an unknown country has never felt so comfortable. They settle down in their sleeping bags, Sai, as always, taking the first watch.
Naruto talks loudly from beside her to Kakashi from across the space. He only 'hmms' in response, the turning of his page a ripple of sound.
Yamato smiles at her knowingly between the flames and it's like nothing ever changed.
'We're supposed to be a family.' She watches Sai paint smooth strokes onto his notebook.
Kakashi turns another page and Naruto has already begun to snore.
'Tell me how to survive.'