Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around 'til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
How I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He'd make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I'd play a song that would never, ever end
'Cause I'd love, love, love
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream
Luther Vandross - Dance with my Father (edited)
Tuesday morning found her utterly exhausted. She'd barely slept at all the night before.
She slept fitfully in twenty minute bursts. Asleep, awake, asleep, awake, until finally, at three, she couldn't take anymore and got out of bed to start her day. It was three fifteen in the morning, and she knew what she had to do.
She threw on some jeans and a tee shirt, ate a quick breakfast, then while it was still nighttime she quietly went outside and fed the farm animals. It was dark, and she hated being outside in the dark. She reminded herself to call the guys she knows and have them cut the grass.
Her heart sank every time she looked at the empty horse stable. She sold the horses, the horses she loved, for extra money. Nelly, her father's favorite American Quarter Horse, was sold to a nearby farm. Not only was the sale of the five horses important for more money, but she just couldn't find the time to care for them.
Beth went into the barn and scooped up a fifty pound bag of Sorghum, then carried it over to fill the cow's trough. Another mental note; order some more sorghum. She milked the cows, fed the chickens and the pigs and the two dozen barn cats that were technically strays but she accepted as her own. She cleaned up the shit from the pig pens and took off her father's work gloves before she went into the chicken coop and picked up a dozen fresh eggs.
The sun was just starting to rise, casting a dull yellow haze around the farm. If she had time, Beth would watch as the sky began to be set ablaze of a dozen different colors.
It was almost six o'clock when she peeled off her filthy clothes and took a hot shower, put on her work clothes, having to remind herself that she needed to do laundry and go shopping. Jo hates going to the store, though.
Maybe she could ask her friend Sasha to help. Maybe Sasha could take Jo home from school, just for an hour, so Beth could get some things done.
Jo was rubbing her eyes as she wandered in to kitchen. Beth bend down and gave her little girl a big hug and kiss, before preparing her breakfast of scrambled eggs and pancakes.
The two ate together, Beth smiling and trying to carry the conversation, but they were alone in the large, empty farmhouse.
She got Jo dressed, then locked up the house, a dirty living room catching her eye before she left. She made another mental note to do some cleaning after work. And clean up Jo's room…she wet the bed again.
The rain the night before made the short walk to her old Chevy muddy, and Beth had to tell Jo to be careful and not to get her shoes dirty. She needed new shoes…add it to the list.
Her 2000 Chevy…Maggie's Chevy, stuttered a few times before the engine roared. She exhaled in relief before she pulled out of the driveway. She was singing along with one of Jo's songs, the Laurie Berkner Band, and smiled warmly as she looked in the rear view mirror and saw Jo dancing as much as she could.
The familiar bing sounded, and with one eye on her watch and one eye on the gas tank, she did the mental math and figured she had enough fuel to get to work before she was late, again.
The nerve wracking drive finally ended, and she was at least at work. She could get gas after she was done, but her boss would skin her alive if she was late again. At seven forty five she walked hand in hand into the school, and gave Jo a kiss on the forehead before she walked down the hallway to her preschool room. Beth watched her walk away, kicked herself for not packing Jo a lunch, and remembered that she has to do grocery shopping and get a new lunchbox for her little girl. She then went into the office to sign in for the day.
"Cutting it close, aren't we?" Principal Harrison asked, her voice booming in the small room.
"I'm on time. It's not eight yet." Beth responded meekly
"Don't sass me. Your review is coming up soon, isn't it?"
Beth looked around at the office staff…Jacqui, the school nurse, Amy, the receptionist and Andrea's sister, and Tara, the other secretary. Everyone was looking at the fight that was about to happen, but Beth didn't want to take the bait.
"Yes, ma'am. I'm sorry I was ten minutes early signing in. It won't happen again, Principal Harrison." She sneered, before heading to the stairs and walked up the three flights to wait for her classroom to fill up.
The seventh graders filled up the room, and Beth started to teach them how to conjugate a sentence before moving on to talk about the works of Shakespeare. She looked around and felt as though she was talking to a brick wall. One of the girls had her skirt raised up and was flirting with the guy sitting next to her, another kid was texting, and one in the back was sleeping.
When Beth got assigned to Valley View grade school, she hoped to work with little kids. Maybe no older than third grade. She KNEW how to work with little kids. The principal had the final say. After a brief meeting, Andrea wanted her to work with the big kids "to toughen her up." It was weeks after the funeral for her parents and her sister, but Andrea didn't care. She used her position as principal to place a friend of hers with the third graders. Beth didn't know, nor did she feel comfortable, with kids younger than she was but stood taller and intimidated her.
Andrea Harrison. The bane of her existence. She picked on Beth relentlessly, she would often walk into the room while Beth was teaching, and stand in the front row. She always had the same condescending smirk on her face. She stood with her arms folded across her chest, and would interrupt her often to input needless information, just to make Beth feel incompetent.
The bell finally rang, signaling the end of the class's allotted time. The students bolted for the door, and Andrea just watched as Beth cleaned up, erased the chalkboard, and gathered the papers the students handed in.
Beth felt Andrea's eyes on her, burrowing through to her should. She finally turned and made eye contact with her boss, who said only "what?" then chuckled and walked out of the room.
The hours passed, Beth had a short lunch as she joined the seventh and eighth grade in the cafeteria. She tried to ignore Andrea's glare, and while she escorted the seventh grade class out of the room she passed the preschool class, who was heading in. She gently touched Jo's shoulder as they walked by each other. Beth had to pull some strings, and Dale Hovarth, the superintendent of the school system took pity on her as he approved the four year old's day long preschool, rather than Jo's dismissal at noon. Jo would have no place to go. It was just her and Beth.
The final dismissal bell rang, and Beth walked her class out of the school, then went back to retrieve Jo, who was sitting on her usual spot on the same chair in the office. As she did every day, Beth cleaned her classroom just so she would avoid any more confrontation with Andrea. She had her purse and jacket with her when she held Jo's hand and went out to the Chevy. Beth watched with pride as Jo climbed in and buckled her own seatbelt, then she crossed her fingers that the car would start. After a few tries it did, and after a quick stop at the gas station, she drove home.
Beth went into the house with Jo, and each changed into "play" clothes, as Beth called them. Jo played in the field while Beth milked the cows again, cleaned out the pig pen and chicken coop, and called Jo in for dinner. She gave the girl a bath before taking her second shower of the day, started dinner for the two of them, and after Jo's half hour of cartoon time, during which Beth tried to start a load of laundry but soon realized she was out of detergent, she gave up on the clothes and loaded the dishwasher, but that had to wait since she didn't have any soap. She stripped Jo's bed, but didn't have another set of Frozen sheets, so she threw a few towels down in place of the waterproof sheet, and threw an older set of plain white sheets on the bed.
She thought of her friends from college. Some of the other twenty four year old young women were going to night clubs, two were planning their wedding, and others were celebrating new found freedom when they moved into their own apartment.
Then, as much as she shouldn't, she compared her life to theirs. She's alone. Twenty four years old, she lives in an old farm house with her four year old niece, works full time, and has to do the farm work and a full time job. She makes money by selling the cow milk to a local dairy, and she has a boatload of money from her parents' life insurance, but feels as though she's disappointing them all over again if she uses any of it. The house was paid for generations ago, so she doesn't have a mortgage, she drives Maggie's sixteen year old car purely for sentimental reasons, but doesn't have a clue about really living. She goes to sleep every night bone tired, and wakes up maybe five hours later, if she's lucky.
She's never dated, and as much as she loves her niece, and wouldn't trade her for the world, she wonders if she'll ever have a family of her own. Every day is the same. She never felt more alone. If it wasn't for her actions that one foolish night, her parents and her sister would still be alive.
She told Jo it was time to go to bed, and after she tucked the girl into what was Maggie's old room, Beth locked the front door and crawled into her own bed, and was asleep within minutes.