Well, you only need the light when it's burning low,
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow,
Only know you love her when you let her go.
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go...
And you let her go.
Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow, and they go so fast
You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies
Only know you love her when you let her go
Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow, and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
Cause you loved her too much, and you dived too deep
Well you only need the light when it's burning low
And you let her go
And you let her go
Passenger – Let Her Go (edited)
Rick didn't sleep at all on Friday night. At three o'clock on Saturday morning he got out of bed and started pacing around the house. He sat on the couch and picked up the "Chicken Soup for the Soul" book that Jessie gave to him, and flipped through a few pages.
He thought some inspirational passages would help his state of mind.
"The ache of grief is always there, but the emptiness will lift one day. Their life to us the greatest gift, and only by living can it be repaid."
"So it's true, when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love."
"I feel robbed when people die. A sense of "damn, I had a lot more moments planned with this person" and it's in part utterly selfish and in part grief that whoever it was is missing everything. Forever. This only gets worse over the years."
He threw the book on the floor, and climbed up the stairs to the bedroom. He willed himself not to look at the urn while he pulled on a pair of shorts and a tee shirt. He ate a quick breakfast and went out for a jog around his neighborhood. It was a long time since he took care of himself.
After two hours of running, he got back to his house. He took a long, hot shower. Then got dressed into a pair of blue jeans and a white button down shirt. He put off the conversation as long as he could, but his legs took him to his dresser.
"Lori, baby. Please don't hate me for moving on. My life has been pure shit without you and the kids. I don't even know if this is moving on…it's just a lunch date. But I have to live again. I know you wouldn't want me to live like this. Don't ever think for a second that I'll ever stop thinking of you. I love you, I love you Carl, and I love you Judy."
He kissed the tips of the index and middle finger on his right hand, and placed the "kiss" on the side of the urn.
Since Beth had Jo, and no family members or close friends, their "first date" consisted on going to the local Chuck-E-Cheese rather than dinner and a movie. Rick followed her directions and drove about twenty miles out of town. He noticed it was so peaceful and quite. The Atlanta sun was unforgiving, and already making the day uncomfortable.
He stopped his car at the edge of the driveway and got out to get the newspaper that was sitting on the grass. He went down the long driveway, and was amazed at the size of the land. It was a true farm. The heat, combined with a slight breeze, let him know there was fresh fertilizer around.
The cop in him noticed so many things that should be changed; an empty horse stable would be the perfect place for someone to hide out until Beth was off the property. The barn door was open, and he caught a glimpse of some of the farm equipment that could be stolen.
The house was big and old, filled with thin windows that would easily be broken. Rick knocked on the door, and when she opened it he was speechless. Beth looked stunning. She wore a white sundress with yellow flowers on it, her golden hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and she wore minimal cosmetics…she didn't need to cover her face with crap to look good. She smiled as she welcomed him inside, and accepted the bouquet of flowers. Jo came over and took Rick by the hand, and pulled him inside.
Inside the house was like an oven. The home was too old to have central air conditioning, and the one window unit she had in the kitchen barely cooled that room. He could tell that she lived alone, because just like him, she didn't have anyone to clean up for. He could tell she gave up.
She showed him around the house, and Jo wanted to show him her room. She had several toy characters from the movies The Little Mermaid, Frozen and Beauty and the Beast. Beth tried to get her to stop talking, but Rick said it was fine. He tried not to let his mind think of what Judy would have been into. With a smile he listened as she told him all about Elsa, Ariel and Belle.
When she said she was hungry, that was the signal for them to leave. Jo ran over to the kitchen door and put on her shoes. Rick saw that she had trouble tying the laces, and got to his knees to help. Beth hid a smile, and walked out the door after Rick opened it for them.
Beth instinctively walked to her car, Maggie's sixteen year of Chevy. Rick offered to drive, but Beth said Jo's car seat was in her car.
As a cop, Rick helped hundreds of people install car seats. It took seconds for him to unhook the booster seat from his car and install it securely to his car.
Jo, who had little contact with other children outside of school, loved running around and playing with the other kids at the pizza place. It gave Rick and Beth a chance to sit and talk. She said that Jo was named after Josephine, Maggie's mother. She and Maggie were half-sisters. Josephine died of cancer when Maggie was three, and a few years after that Hershel married Annette, her mother.
"What about Jo's daddy?" Rick said, as he took a sip of flat Pepsi and kept one eye on the raven haired child running around.
"He's a deadbeat. He delivers pizza for a local place, and dumped Maggie when she wanted him to get a better paying job to support the two of them. He left, and didn't even go to the funerals."
"Sorry." Rick said, softly.
"S'alright. It's busy, but I wouldn't trade her for anything."
"So you haveta take care of the animals, farm, house, Jo and work? When do you sleep?" Rick chuckled.
"Yep, and I don't. I love the house because it's the home I grew up in, but it's too much sometimes. I usually wake up around three, and get to bed at ten or so." Beth said, with a half-hearted smile.
Rick was stunned. "What about farmhands? That's way too much. Full time job and taking care of everything by yourself."
The conversation flowed easily, and when Jo said she was ready to go, Rick suggested the three take a walk around an attached mall.
Jo walked in the middle, holding both Beth and Rick's hand. They were walking peacefully, until they turned the corner and bumped into Andrea.
"Well, isn't this cute." She sneered, looking at the three, before turning her attention to Beth and staring her down.
"You having a good weekend, Andrea?" Rick asked, as he pulled Jo closer and put his arm around Beth.
"Aren't you two cozy." She said, ignoring Rick's question and was trying to intimidate Beth, who wasn't taking the bait. She wasn't even looking at her boss.
"Have a good day, Andrea." Rick said, as he pulled Beth away from his former friend.
Andrea started to say something, but Beth turned her head and walked away with Rick.
Beth was giggling on the way back to her house. Rick told her that he went to school with Andrea, and for a while it was the four of them…Shane, Andrea, him and Lori. Shane and Andrea were like oil and water. The only chemistry between them was explosive.
"So that's why you two called her Andrea. She was so mad!" Beth gloated.
"Oh yeah…don't let her intimidate you. She puts up a tough exterior, but under that she's nothing."
They soon got back to the Greene farm, and Beth got out of the car while Rick got Jo out of her seat.
Jo ran to play in the long grass, while Beth, who still had to milk the cows again before starting dinner, looked for her house keys. She tore through her purse, as Jo came running up the front steps with a kitten from one of the barn cats.
"We'll see, Jojo," Beth said, flustered, as she searched her pockets, then looked through the kitchen window and saw the keys on the kitchen counter.
She sighed, and Rick asked if she has a spare. Beth nodded and lifted up the dirt filled flower pot that was next to the door, pulled out the extra key, and opened the door.
"You're kidding, right?" Rick asked.
"No, that was where mama always kept it." Beth said, defensively.
"You don't use the deadbolt?" He asked, as he stepped into the sweltering kitchen. He immediately turned the window unit on, then watched as it sputtered and stopped. "Shit."
"Gonna be another long night." Beth said.
"Do you at least have fans?"
"No."
"Beth, I don't think it's healthy to sleep like this."
"We open the windows and sometimes catch a breeze. It's not so bad."
"Cows mama." Jojo added to the conversation.
"In a little bit, honey."
"I'm hungry." The child said.
"Okay. Alright. Rick, would you like to stick around for dinner? On nights like this, when it's really busy I usually order a pizza. I still haveta milk the cows, feed the chickens and pigs."
Rick waited in the house with Jo while Beth did her chores outside. He looked around the home and saw dozens of family pictures. Beth with a brown haired girl, whom Rick assumed was Maggie, Beth smiling as she held her arms up in the "victory" stance as she was holding her college diploma. She was pictured with her parents, and weeks later, everything changed.
He opened a few windows in the hopes of cooling the place off. A distant rumble of thunder told him that they may get a break when the rain started.
The house was huge, and old. The décor was what he assumed was her mother's. Beth mentioned that the land has been in her family for over one hundred and sixty years. He wondered how old the house was. He saw dozens of security and safety flaws. Flimsy locks on the windows downstairs, and they were close enough to the ground that it would be easy to break in. The glass on the doors was thin, and there were no deadbolts. The house was probably built during a time when they didn't have to worry about the level of crime they have now. Back in a more peaceful time when you didn't have to worry about locking your doors.
He looked at the electrical outlets in the kitchen. Regular outlets were everywhere, no GFCI. That makes the house a firetrap.
He watched Beth run around and finally run into the house, her clothes filthy and she was sweating profusely.
"I'm gonna take a real quick shower." She pulled a twenty out of her wallet and put it on the counter. "That should take care of the pizza. I'll be right back."
Rick nodded, and thought how awkward the date was. However, he was becoming more concerned about her safety in the house, and the large property would make it easy for someone to do something to her without anyone hearing. It was just her and a four year old. She had to take care of the animals and be outside, alone, early in the morning and late at night. He was become very fond of her, and he started to have feelings for her that he hadn't had since Lori.
He snapped back to reality when he saw a car speeding down the driveway. From the triangle shaped sign sign on the roof, he assumed it was the pizza. He left Beth's money where it was, and paid for it himself.
She ran to the table just as he was putting Jo's plate in front of her, and thanked him for paying for the dinner.
There was lingering awkwardness you would normally have on a first date, but they were becoming comfortable with each other. He tiptoes around the subject, but eventually asked her if she ever thought of selling the house and getting into a condo. Downsize. She has more than one hundred acres she needs to tend to, plus animals, plus a child and a full time job.
She said that she sells the milk to a local dairy, but never thought about selling the cows. She likes the pigs and chickens, but even though she grew up on a farm, she doesn't want to run one. This was her childhood home, and she wants to hold onto it. Her only mistake was selling Nelly, but at the time she was strapped for cash and had to do it. She explained that although the house was paid for, and she has the life insurance money from her parents and sister, plus the settlement from the car wreck, she feels as though she'd be letting her parents down if she dipped into the money.
"I never thought about selling the cows. My dad always took care of them, and he made it look easy. He was retired, and had all day long to do that stuff. My mom took care of me and the house. I have to do everything, and it's too much sometimes." She said, her voice cracking just a little.
Jo finished with her dinner, so Beth smiled at her daughter and let her get down and go play.
"I haven't slept past three am in years. Every day is the same. It's like when I have to do something I think of a million other things I have to do, but I never get to them. And running the house by myself. I haven't watched TV in months. I always pictured decorating my home for Christmas morning with my kids, but I don't have the time. Jo's getting older now, but I haven't put up a tree yet. I barely have time to go to the store. Sasha, she's the eighth grade teacher, will cover for me if I need to run out at lunch to get something, but…it's just that my mom was one of those coupon ladies. She could buy bags and bags of stuff and pay less than a dollar. In three years I just now ran out of laundry and dish soap. Jo hates going to the store. Her teacher talked to me a while ago. She thinks she's autistic. It would make sense because whenever we go to a noisy place she flips out. I have to schedule a doctor appointment for her, but then I have to take a day off, and Principal Harrison never approves me for taking a personal day. I have three years' worth of personal and vacation time, but she always says no. Patricia, that's the lady who lived down the road, she babysat Jo when she was a baby, but she died a few months ago. There are so many things I want to do with Jo, like tonight would be a perfect night for her to play in one of those little plastic pools, but I don't have time to do anything. I'm sorry." She said, as she covered her face with her hands and quietly sobbed.
Rick moved his chair to sit right next to her, and enveloped her in a tight hug. When her forehead landed on his shoulder, and she felt his hand rub her back, she emotionally broke and started sobbing uncontrollably.
A few hours later, after Jo was asleep and Beth had calmed down, and Rick switched the little girl's car seat back to the old Chevy, he went back to where Beth was sitting on the front porch. For a few minutes they just sat in silence, listening to the rain. The heat was broken, at least for the moment. Rick looked over at Beth, and thought she looked beautiful. The only light was coming from inside, and Beth thanked him for listening while at the same time apologizing for a disastrous first date.
Rick chuckled, and said that he didn't think it was a disaster. He'd like to get to know her a little better.
Beth felt the exhaustion deep with in her. Every breath was tiring. She looked down at Rick's hand and let him guide her. The gentleness in his touch was surprising, and strangely comforting. Rick looked at the petite young woman standing just in front of him. Her fear was evident in the tight lines around her mouth and unnaturally pale skin. Her hands rested on his chest, and he could feel her body tremble.
"Rick, I've never…"
"I know. It's alright. I care about you, Beth. Think about what we talked about. Do whatever it takes to make your life easier. You're so young, it shouldn't have to be this way."
Beth nodded her head as she locked eyes with Rick. She felt at home in his arms. She knew he was still grieving his family, just as she was mourning hers. After he held her when she cried earlier, she felt as though he knew. He knew and didn't have to say anything.
He kissed her forehead gently, and asked to see her again soon.
"Absolutely." She said with a smile.
He smiled as he squeezed her hand, then walked down the steps in the rain and got into his car, the small rocks in the driveway pelting the underside of his vehicle as he pulled away.