AN: I intended to update Dream before this fic, but the response I got from my last chapter was amazing and motivated me to write more. All of you rock! I am glad to see how invested you all are in the psyche of Santana. I will respond to everyone I can on individually as soon as I can. To my guest reviewers, y'all are awesome. Keep them coming!
Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or Adele, just borrowing for a bit.
Insecurity has plagued Brittany for her entire life. She was constantly tormented by the thought of not being good enough. Ever since she was a young girl, she thought, spoke and acted differently than other children her age. Rainbows, unicorns and butterflies weren't just things she liked, they were her friends. Numbers and words danced on pages, just like she danced on stages. All her friends with reading chapter books and she was still struggling through picture books. All her friends were onto long division and she was still counting on her fingers. Brittany fell below expectations and was constantly reminded of that by her teachers, by her peers and even by her parents. The only time she didn't feel insecure was when she danced, until she stopped dancing.
Brittany pretended she never had an issue with who she was, she loved openly, she spoke freely and hid behind her cheerleader, popular persona to deal with the torment. She internalized the "too stupid to understand" label she was given by her peers. The words stupid, ditzy, dim, easy, slutty were the most common things associated with Brittany Pierce's tenure at William McKinley High School. In reality, these words tore Brittany down they made her unsure, unstable and vulnerable. They brought back all the feelings of failure and manipulated them.
Only one person had ever told Brittany she was beautiful instead of hot, a genius instead of an idiot and that was Santana, however Brittany's insecurities haunted her relationship with Santana since the first time they kissed freshman year.
Flashback
The sound of the bass filled the house and shook the floor the two cheerleaders stood on. The bathroom door was being pounded on by some jock needing to pee. "Fuck off" Santana yelled out "Rush us and we will just take longer, you under sexed ogre. Go pee out a window."
The blonde giggles at the Latina's harsh words. Her words were poisonous when she was sober, but when she got drunk she could really get going. The two girls found themselves locked in a bathroom as they did at most parties, fixing their makeup, taking extra shots and finalizing their targets for the night. Being a cheerio and being a freshman meant two things 1. Every girl wanted to be you and 2. Every guy wanted you. Since Quinn was too much of a prude, and too into Finn Hudson to mark her bedpost, Santana and Brittany made up for it themselves and then some.
"I don't know, San" Brittany whined, "Karovsky is so gross. He always smells like Burger King and dip, and his hands are all callousy and his lips are all chapped and he is very tonguey."
The Latina shudders at the thought of Karovsky being tonguey with Brittany. She actually hated the fact that Brittany had been with so many people. She hated the fact that she had been with so many people, instead of just being with the one person she truly wanted.
"Britt, what do you expect? He is a 15 year old boy." She looks in the mirror and runs a finger under her eye to remove stray mascara, attempting to avoid the eyes of her friend. The blonde is staring at the brunette in admiration, cherishing the small moments they can just be themselves "At least you don't have to pretend to like Azimio, whenever I kiss him I think a little part of me dies."
"So why are we doing this? Why can't we just kiss people we actually want to kiss?" Brittany walks behind the brunette and runs a hand down her back. "Take you for example, unlike Karovsky your hands are incredibly smooth, your lips are incredibly soft, you smell like" the blonde leans closer to smell Santana's neck and butterflies explode in the brunette's stomach "vanilla and mocha. Why can't I just kiss you?" Santana's heart starts racing and she begins to get a nervous sweat under her boobs.
Without a second of hesitation the blonde spins the brunette her in arms and attaches her mouth to the other girl's. Santana, though shocked, responds almost immediately. Parting Brittany's lips with her tongue before deepening the kiss. They girls back up until Santana's back is pressed against the door. Pale hands find their way into dark locks, as caramel hands find purchase on slender hips.
For weeks the girls have been getting closer and closer. At every party, the more the alcohol flows, the closer they dance, the more their touches linger, the more meaningful glances they share. They wanted nothing but to be together. Every pinky hold between classes, and Friday movie night held deep meaning to the girls, as they both slowly, but surely fell for their best friend.
The girls world was broken apart at another bang on the door. Santana's eyes flew open and she shoved Brittany off her, and she started to get worked up. Brittany reached back out to comfort her friend,
"Don't touch me, Brittany" the Latina snaps, "Are you so fucking desperate and easy that you make a move on your best friend? Jesus. Don't say a word about this to anyone? Comprende? I am going to find Azimio."
Before Brittany could respond, the Latina ripped the door open and stormed out. Tears filled Brittany's eyes, Santana had never spoken to her like that. Santana protected her against people that used words against Brittany, but now Santana was just one of them. Maybe Brittany really was just a dumb slut.
Mercedes was driving down the 405, previewing an artists' most recent demo, when her car phone interrupted the song,
"Well, well, well" the diva answered the call "As I live and breathe, could this be the ever elusive Attorney Quinn Fabray?"
A bright laugh fills the car, "And, am I speaking to the multi-platinum recording artist slash producer extraordinaire Mercedes Jones?"
"Guilty! What's the good word, Q? How are things in the Big Apple? Given anymore thought to my offer?"
The blonde scoffs "Maybe I have, maybe I haven't. I am calling about our two favorite girls who still can't seem to figure themselves or each other out." Mercedes hums in response.
"I heard you texted Tina for Brittany's number. What are you planning?"
"Who told you that?"
"Rachel" Quinn replies "Does Santana know about this Cedes? I feel like this could just blow up in our face."
"Our face? I am the one planning it."
"Please, Cedes. You know that all of us are in. Whenever I talk to you about S or Rachel about B, it just makes me depressed. They were my best friends, it's hard to hear about them like this."
"Key word: were." The diva mumbles just loud enough for Quinn to pick up.
"Cedes, look, I messed up with Santana I know that. But I still care about her, okay? I want her to be happy. We all know she is only truly happy when she is with Brittany. How is she? This promotional tour must be hard."
Mercedes shook her head and tried to move on in the conversation with the blonde, "It's not great, Q. The other day, she came out of her room clearly shooken up and threw out her Brittany box. I immediately pulled it out and saved it. I mean, she has a pretty revisionist history on their relationship. Sure, Brittany made some mistakes, and picked Sam over her…"
"And, Artie.."
"Right, and Artie. But, San was no princess. And did Brittany really pick Sam or did she pick Santana's happiness and future? All Brittany ever wanted was for Santana to realize how special she truly is."
Quinn doesn't respond, so Mercedes continues, "We need to stop talking about helping them and actually start helping. So, yeah, I texted Tina for Britt's number. I am going to offer to fly her out here for a while. Maybe get her a dancing job, just to see if we can't pull these girls heads out of their asses."
"Santana hates meddling."
"Yeah, well this is for Santana's own good."
Brittany sits at home after a long day at work and an equally exhausting dinner with Tina and Mike. Brittany is glad that two of her closest friends live in the same city she does, but sometimes Tina gets a little too involved.
"I don't understand why you won't just call her, Brittany." Tina says for what feels like the one millionth time during their dinner.
"Tina, honey, if Britt wanted to call Santana, she would. It's really not your…um I mean our place to tell her what to do." Mike said while wrapping his arm around his wife's chair.
Brittany gave Mike a small smile. The two dancers always had an unspoken closeness because of their craft. They were always almost overlooked in Glee club because they couldn't sing nearly as well as their teammates, well except Sugar Motta, but they both knew that without them the Glee club wouldn't be what it was. Brittany would never admit it, but Mike always intimidated Brittany. Before Mike, she was the "it" dancer at WMHS. But, when he showed up pop, locking and dropping like no one's business, again Brittany felt inferior. She pretended that she wanted to sing and get solos, to detract attention away from her dancing.
"I can't just call her, Tina. We haven't spoken in two years. How do I even start that conversation? Hi, Santana, long time , no talk. Heard the song you wrote about me on the radio. I've never stopped loving you. K bye?"
The silence fills the table, "You still love her?" Tina asks.
"Never stopped."
"What about Sam? You followed him to college, when you didn't follow Santana to New York City."
Brittany's heart clenches at Tina's words. Brittany tried to live life without a lot of regrets, because she truly thought everything happened for a reason, but she did have a few regrets. 1. Not graduating the first time around and avoiding all of this misery 2. Letting Santana think that she loved Sam more than she loved her.
Brittany heard Santana lost it when she found out Brittany had followed Sam. Drunken rages, drunken hook ups, drunken tears. She field many a phone call from Kurt and Rachel, asking how to bring her down.
"It wasn't about loving Sam. Santana focused her entire life on me for too long. I was holding her back. I wasn't ready for New York City, she would have had to take care of me again, instead of being able to find herself. I couldn't be the reason she settled anymore."
Tina looked at you with sympathy and Mike reached out to rub your hand, "Santana might have settled on a few things in her life, but you were never one of them."
Now, Brittany found herself on her couch, Prince Whiskerton purring next to her, glass of wine in her hand aimlessly flipping through the channels. On Friday, the blonde likes to decompress and fall asleep on the couch in front of the TV. Though it may seem uncomfortable, it's Brittany's happy place.
She has been stuck on marathon of Chopped, and didn't even realize it was past midnight before her phone lights up with a text message. She reaches forward and swipes across her screen,
Tina: Turn on Jimmy Kimmel!
The blonde was used to getting these texts from her friend when one of their mutual favorites was on late night TV. She assumed that she was about to be presented with an interview of Kristen Wiig or perhaps a performance by Coldplay.
"Welcome back! We have a special surprise for our studio audience this evening. Before our interview with Mercedes Jones, we have a performance from rising superstar, Santana Lopez!"
The clicker slips from the blonde's hand as her ex lover's face fills the screen, and for the second time in the same week, the girl's heart stopping voice invades Brittany's soul.
With your loving, there ain't nothing
That I can't adore
The way I'm running, with you, honey
Is we can break every low
I find it funny that you're the only
One I never looked for
There is something in your loving
That tears down my walls
I wasn't ready then; I'm ready now
I'm heading straight for you
You will only be eternally
The one that I belong to
The sweetest devotion
Hit me like an explosion
All of my life
I've been frozen
The sweetest devotion I've known
Brittany's heart is pounding through her chest. She has made it her mission to avoid pictures or updates about the brunette because it hurt her so much. Watching her perform live on stage, fulfilling her dream made her feel an unknown array of feelings. She was proud that Santana was living her dream, but devastated that she wasn't apart of it. The brunette looked as beautiful as ever, with her long raven longs falling in soft waves on her shoulders. Brittany had vivid memories of running her fingers through that hair in a heated tryst or twisting it's ends into ringlets during movie nights.
Santana's emotion while singing got to Brittany the most. She stands on stage with her band, in a simple black dress and signature high heels. Her hands moving across her body emphatically and her eyes shut as she belts out her lyrics, coming straight from her heart.
I've been looking for you, baby
In every face that I've known
And there is something in the way you love me
That finally feels like home
You're my life, you're my darkness
You're the right kind of madness
And you're my hope, you're my despair
You're my scope, everything, everywhere
The sweetest devotion
Hitting me like an explosion
All my life, I've been frozen
The sweetest devotion
The crowd explodes in applause at the lights rise up after Santana's song. The Latina beams at the crowd and the camera zooms in on her mouthing thank you. Brittany is slowing coming back to reality and trying to balance her emotions when something on the screen catches her eye. She snaps into action and grabs the clicker to pause the show. After slowing rewinding, she freezes on a still on Santana's hand waving out the crowd. There, almost unnoticeable on the side of her hand running up her pinky, is a small tattoo of an infinity sign entwined in an arrow. A design Brittany hand drawn on Santana's body countless times.
The blonde surges forward and grabs her phone to send out a text.
Outgoing to Tina: I need to go to LA.
Tina: FINALLY!
AN2: I know, I know! Not much Santana, but I promise there will be more of her on the next update. Seems like Britt is on her way to LA? Think she can win back the girl? Think the girl should even let her try to win her back?
Songs Used: The Sweetest Devotion by Adele