Chapter 3

Funeral

It wasn't until Thursday that the bodies were released to the O'Neil's (Though really they weren't released to them, of course. To the funeral home.). Friday was when the wake was to be held. Alex and Nathan started to make all of the arrangements, but then Nathan started to really take it hard, so Alex finished doing it all on her own.

Alex had also stayed home from school that whole time, taking off time from April's shop, and closing the dojo for the week, as well as taking a week off from tutoring. It was a full time job making sure her brothers got out of bed and tried to function properly. Kerry would have to go to school, considering she wasn't really their daughter, but she would come over as soon as the final bell rang. She would bring Alex's work for her, and helping her with her brothers.

That morning, Alex had gotten up early to put the boys suits together, seeing as they had no idea where they were. They almost never had to wear them, and Alex had always helped her mom with things like that. She felt obligated to help get everything ready for them, making it easier on them.

A couple hours later, Alex was standing next to her brothers, April and Robyn at the funeral home, in the lineup for the people to talk to them before paying their respects to her parents. Kerry, who had gotten there right before the calling hours began, had been taking up a position behind Alex and her brothers and going to sit down for several minutes when Alex insisted she relax before going back over to her family.

"Hello Alex," a now familiar voice said approaching from the entrance. Esme approached, a somber look on her face as Jax came in, head lowered. The woman was dressed in a simple sweetheart neckline black dress that swirled around her knees, revealing a nude colored prosthetic. It was arched so she could slip a pair of black pumps on. It was amazing she could walk in heels with a prosthetic leg when some women wobbled in 2 inch heels with their own two feet.

"Esme," Alex said, slightly surprised to see her. "Hi, uh, thanks for coming." She bent down, scratching Jax behind his ears. "Hey Buddy. Thanks for coming." She slowly glanced up at the woman, her eyes catching her prosthetic leg before going up to meet her eyes.

Jax seemed to whine a bit, licking her hand and pressing his nose against it. Esme smiled a bit sadly. "I hope it's alright, but I felt a need to be here for you. As well as Kerry," Esme said looking around for the girl. "She said she'd be fine, but you know how much of a tough air she puts up around her self."

Alex nodded her head, standing back up, but still petting the dog. "That she does," she agreed. "And really, thanks for coming. It means a lot to me. And I know it will for Ellie. Even if you're not interested in him."

Esme's cheeks colored. "We might not be dating but Elliot is still a wonderfully kind man. He's suffering just as much as you children are and I think he needs someone close to his age here." Esme nodded and looked the girl over. "...Alex, when was the last time you rested? Or eaten?"

In all honesty, Alex hadn't really eaten in a couple days. She just wasn't hungry at all. And she hadn't slept for that matter. Several times she tried, but every time she closed her eyes, all she saw were the events playing over again in her mind. And the other times, as she stayed awake, she went to her brothers rooms, finding them crying in their sleep. She stayed with them, comforting them.

"I don't know," she answered. "Today's been kind of a blur, you know?"

Esme pursed her lips slightly before reaching into her bag. "I assumed as much, and I suppose there is nothing I can say to get you to eat anything now?" she said knowingly she pulled out a bottle of some kind of juice as if having prepared for this, pressing it into her hands.

"Uh, thanks," Alex muttered. "Why don't you say hi to the rest of the guys?" she suggested, gesturing to her brothers.

"I can't have you sick," Esme said softly giving the girl a quick hug. "You and Kerry worry me." She sighed before nodding. "I will, I'll see you later, Alex," the woman said before walking away, surprisingly graceful. Jax gave her hand one more lick before following his mistress.

Just thinking about drinking the apple juice made her feel sick to her stomach.

Alex turned around and walked out to the hallway. She was going to toss out the box of apple juice. Just as she was about to toss it out, however, Zack walked by, furiously wiping at his eyes as he headed towards the bathroom.

Alex gulped, feeling her throat tighten up. She hated, hated seeing her brother like that. Sweet and innocent Zack was always so happy and trying to make people laugh. It was breaking her heart to see him like that. That was the reason why she followed him down another hallway, around the corner from the bathroom, where she found him sitting against the wall, trying to calm himself down.

She sat down on the ground next to him, simply handing him he juice box and taking his other hand in hers. She knew that Zack was a hugger, but he wasn't really in the mood for a hug. He wanted to be alone. But she knew him better than that. Zack didn't need solitude. He just needed someone to let him know they were there. Not to talk to him, not to tell him everything was alright. She just needed to sit there and silently reassure him that they knew exactly what they were going through.

Foot steps sounded approaching them and Alex looked up to see a down cast Kerry looking down at them, her face pale and eyes drawn. She sat down on the other side of Zack and shifted against the boy's side so his arm draped over her slightly and just laid there with them, staring at the ground with him.

"Look at me," Zack muttered with a small huff that resembled a lifeless chuckle. Alex glanced up to see a small smirk on his lips. "I'm the ladies man now. I've got girls hanging all over me."

Alex snorted, rolling her eyes as she laid her head on his shoulder. "One of which is your sister," she told him.

"You're not your type," Kerry joked softly head resting against his chest.

"Nah, you two aren't my type either," he said, resting his head on Alex's while taking Kerry's hand in his free one. "I don't think my girlfriend would like that either. But all the same, you two are two great girls."

"Thanks, Zacky," Kerry mumbled softly.

"How is Amy, by the way?" Alex asked.

Amy Sanders was Zack's girlfriend that went to college upstate. They had been together since his senior year of high school, and they decided to stay together and be in a long distance relationship. They were doing very well too. Every month Zack would go up and visit her, sometimes even a week at a time.

"She's great," he told her. "She wanted to come down, but I told her not to. She has a big test this week. It counts for a third of her grade. She's going to come down this weekend though."

"That sounds good, being able to see her might help," Kerry said squeezing his hand, her brothers hand.

"She never got to meet mom and dad," he muttered, head falling forward slightly.

"It's okay," Aled told him. "You know they loved her. You talked about her enough for them to know her."

"You think so?" Zack asked.

"I know so," Alex assured her.

"Yeah, I know," he sighed. "I'm just glad they got to meet Raph. I mean, They've met so many girls because of us boys, but you? They never meet anybody that you took an interest in until Raph. I know that made them happy. They were so happy to know their little girl had someone to take care of you. And they'd be happy to know he's here for you now."

"They liked him," Kerry mumbled.

Alex glanced over at Kerry, giving her that, "but the whole thing is a lie" look. She hated that she lied to her parents and that she never got to tell them the truth. Kerry knew that but they did like Raph, no matter if they were really dating or not.

"Oh, hey, here they are!" a familiar boyish voice sounded from the entrance of the hallway.

Alex glanced up to see Mikey standing there, looking over at the three. He headed towards them, followed by his brothers. Alex stood up, pulling Zack with her. She then turned to Mikey and wrapped her arms around his neck, giving him a hug.

"Hey," she greeted softly. "Thanks for coming, Mikey."

Mikey nodded his head gently. Alex could feel it against her head. She sighed, pulling back from his sweet hug.

"We couldn't just not come. Your parents were amazing to us," Leo said moving in to hug her as well as Mikey moved on to hug Kerry, even giving a side hug to Zack. Leo wrapped his arms around her neck, pulling her in.

"Of course they would be," Alex said, kissing him on the cheek before pulling back. You guys are the best. Leo kissed her forehead before moving on after his brother, bringing Kerry into an embrace, chin resting on her head for a second.

Don approached Alex, hugging her tightly before she could say anything. "Are you okay?" Don asked for the millionth time.

"Mm," she hummed against his chest, resting her head there as she wrapped her arms around him tightly. "You should check on Kerry," she whispered to him. "She's taking this hard, but she's trying not to show it so it doesn't affect anybody else." She pulled back slightly before moving to his ear, where she whispered, "She needs you right now more than ever."

Don looked at her as he pulled away, his genius eyes analyzing her. "Are you sure you're not the same?" he mumbled but he did look to Kerry, worry more present than ever on his face now that she told him that.

Alex didn't answer that. Instead, she let go and softly said, "Go to your girl, Casanova. She needs her Knight in Purple Armor."

Don bit his lip before nodding and heading over to the dark haired girl. She stood there, eyes glued to the floor refusing to look at him. "Hey," he said gently, reaching out to take her hands in his. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm okay," Kerry said quickly taking a step back, eyes squeezing shut. If she looked at him she might not be able to keep it together.

Don didn't let go of her hands though. "Are you sure?" he asked her, giving her hand slight pull, trying to bring her to him into a hug.

Kerry trembled slightly as she stumbled into him. "...I have to be," was all she said, forehead resting on his chest.

"No, you don't," he told her, holding her tightly. One hand gently smoothed out her hair.. "You're allowed to feel pain and let it out."

"I have to be...I just have to be," Kerry said shaking her head but finally hugging him back hiding away in his arms, face hidden in his chest as Leo reached out and also stroke her hair. and Don held her tightly, hushing her comfortingly.

Alex sighed, watching the two for a moment. She knew exactly how Kerry was because it was the same thing she was doing. She was trying to make everybody else feel better, completely shoving down her own pain to make sure everybody else would be okay. It was easier to deal with them instead of herself. She held them to a higher regard than she did herself. Which was why she knew exactly why Kerry needed Don there. She needed to look at him and break down, to let all of the pain out.

And that was why Alex wasn't looking towards Raph. She moved to her brother, moving under his arm in order to prevent Raph from going over to her and hugging her, which would eventually lead her to breaking down. She couldn't do that. Not now. Not there. Not when everybody else was so vulnerable and needed to see someone else that was strong to help them be stronger. She needed to be that person.

Raph obviously wasn't having it as he reached out and took her hand, tugging at it like Don had done with Kerry. He pulled her completely away from the group, down the hallway with her trying to pull herself out of his grasp, almost swearing up a storm as she was dragged outside through an emergency exit and into the back alley.

"Let go!" she nearly screamed, only looking at his hand in her's as she tried to slip out of it. "Raph, I have to go back inside! Let go!"

"You're avoiding me, and I know why. That's not how things work with us. We talk, we express how we feel," Raph said shortly his her, gripping her hand tightly. "I know you're trying to be strong for your family, and it's understandable, but your getting sick! Your face is pale, and you have bags under your eyes. When was the last time you ate?!" he snapped.

Alex believed it to be several days, but she wasn't going to tell him that. "I made breakfast this morning," she told him, hoping he'd take it and believe it.

"Okay so you made it, but did you eat it? You've lost weight," Raph said. Did he pay that much attention that he could tell that about her?

Alex bit her lip, looking over to the door to try and hold back the tears that were starting to well up in her eyes. "Let me go," she muttered. "I can't do this right now. Not with all those people in there. It's disrespectful for me to just leave."

"No," Raph said. "They get it. They know you need time to grieve. They were your parents, Alex," he said darkly to her. "If Don dragged Kerry out here would you be offended?"

"She's technically not related," Alex muttered, trying to justify it, though knowing it wasn't going to work. Kerry was family. "I'm supposed to be in there, for my brothers, for our friends, for my parents. Not out here in the cold with you!" She turned and tried to pull herself out of his hand. She knew it wouldn't work, but she had to turn away from him. The tears were starting to pool out of her eyes and she couldn't let him see that.

"Who does that leave to be there for you, huh?" Raph said only pulling her back, he was stronger than her by far and was going to use that to his advantage.

She shook her head, a shiver running through her body from the cold. He bit her lip, trying not to cry. She squeezed her eyes shut, breathing deeply before begging, "Let go."

"I told you, I'm never letting you go. Not when you need me." Raph said darkly to her taking her face in his other hand, moving her head to finally look up at him.

His green eyes looked into her's, and Alex couldn't hold it back anymore. All week she had been holding everything in. Not once did she cry. At first it was because how angry she was at The Shredder, and the people who did it, as well as herself. Then it was to make sure she was strong for her brothers and Kerry and April and Robyn. But Raph wasn't letting her be the strong one. He was forcing her to step back to breathe and cry, despite how much she didn't want to. She crumpled, clasping onto his black button down shirt, shaking as she sobbed. Raph was so warm, and being close to him like that, knowing that he wanted to make her feel better, made her extremely happy as well as extremely angry. She didn't deserve to feel good. Her parents were dead. Her father was dead. Because of her!

"I-I-I'm supposed to be dead. Not him," she sobbed. "It's my fault he's dead. He's dead because of me, Raph." She shook her head, making herself dizzy from how hungry she truly was, her legs giving out from under her. "I killed my Dad."

Raph caught the girl, bringing her close and holding her hip, acting as her strength. She flinched slightly when his arm hit her graze wound though. "You're father loved you, Alex. He was your father. Of course he's going to protect you. He'd want you to know you did not kill him. It was those damn punks. He'd be upset to see what you were doing to yourself."

She shook her head again, much slower this time. "I can't let the boys see me like this," she muttered. "Th-they need someone there for them. They need to know someone is strong. Th-they can't do it on their own. I know them. I know how mom and dad were with them. I-I couldn't just leave them and not try and help like they did."

"Okay but guess what, that isn't supposed to be your job," Raph said to her. "You're a teen, Alex. You're not supposed to take care of people as much as you do. Neither one of you are,"supposed

"They're my brothers," she told him. "And I love them. I'd do anything for them. You can't tell me you wouldn't do the same thing for your family."

"Exactly! Your family! That means you take care of each other in equal exchange!" Raph said.

She shook her head again. "I don't want them to ever see me like this," she admitted, her hands loosening up on her hold of his shirt. They gently and slowly smoothed the material back into place, as if trying to iron out the creases she had put in it. "They need this from me right now. And I can take it. I could've taken it," she corrected. She buried her head into the crook of his neck. "Until you came," she added. "You had to ruin everything, coming here and making me cry." She sighed, easing into his warm hold. He was so much warmer than the air around them as they stood outside. "Stubborn Pumpkin."

"I can handle being the bad guy here," Raph mumbled a bit hugging her tighter.

Alex's stomach flipped. She moved and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Mm," she hummed. "Not bad guy. Caring."

"Can't I be both?" he chuckled.

Alex shook her head slightly, which resulted in herself nuzzling her nose into his neck. "You can try, but you're not the bad guy. You never will be. Your heart's too good for that. That's why you're my guy." She blinked, realizing exactly what she had said. She just hoped he didn't take it the way she truly meant it.

"Yeah yeah, and you're my girl," Raph said affectionately. "You ready to head in?"

Alex shook her head again. "Let's stay out here for a couple more minutes." Raph was just so warm, and she wanted to enjoy being helped by him like that as long as she could.

"As long as you want," Raph promised softly, stroking her hair gently.

"Thanks for coming, Raph," Alex told him, pulling back ever so slightly just to look up into his eyes, She was still pressed firmly against his chest, her arms around his neck. "It means everything to me."

"The guys and I wouldn't miss it. I mean, we're all family right? We're all worried about you and the hick," Raph mumbled.

"We'll be okay, eventually," she said. "Right? I mean, the pain will go away, right?"

"Well, I think if I ever lost my dad the pain would always be there, but after time it would get easier to handle. I'd remember the good memories more than the pain of loss, you know?"

"I don't sleep," she told him.

"You really should Alex, that not healthy," Raph mumbled softly looking down at her. "I'll call you tonight and talk with you until you fall asleep if it would help."

"You would?" she asked, biting her lip.

"Of course," Raph said nodding his head. "You'd obviously do the same for us if we lost Master Splinter."

"It's just, falling asleep isn't the problem," she admitted, feeling rather embarrassed. "E-Everytime I fall asleep, all I see is it happening all over again. I hear my dad yell, and I see him go down. I can still feel the blood on my hands."

"I'm not one to normally suggest this, but maybe you should look into some sleep aid medication. A deep enough sleep would keep the nightmares away." Raph suggested.

"I don't like that," she told him. "They make me foggy."

"That's because you're supposed to sleep after taking them, not fight against them." Raph rolled his eyes. "And Prescription ones are supposed to work better than over the counter."

Alex, in turn, rolled her own green eyes. "I do sleep after them, sometimes," she told him. "And they don't help."

"Have you tried any meditation techniques. That can help you clear your mind. Mikey falls right to sleep after meditation." He rolled his eyes. "And during meditation."

"Of course he does," Alex muttered, resting her head against his chest. "Mikey could fall asleep anywhere doing anything." She sighed, her hand gently running down his back before shifting to his hips, gently rubbing circles into his side with her thumbs. "I wish I could do that."

"It's some talent, let me tell you," Raph scoffed slightly.

"I can't remember the last time I felt rested," she admitted with a sigh. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, catching the smell of what she recognised as cinnamon. The smell was Raph, and it comforted her a great deal. She sighed once more before opening her eyes and pulling back. "We need to go back in." She said that, but didn't movie. "I don't want to go back in."

"Yeah, but your brothers probably need you." Raph sighed. "Come on, let's get this done okay?"

"Can't we just sneak off like normal teenagers and make out or something?" she joked, taking his hand as she opened the door with the other.

"No can do, Firecracker. I think that'd be a tad inappropriate," Raph joked back at her.

"But far more enjoyable," she muttered, leaning her head against his arm as they walked.

"Got that right." He chuckled.

"Raph?" Alex asked, glancing up at him through her lashes.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks," she told him. "You know, for everything."

"Anytime, I told you that before." He smiled. "Anytime."