17. Fission

Connie had never seen Pearl like this before. She had, especially in the past two weeks, seen her teacher break down, her very presence becoming the physical manifestation of grief and sorrow, but she had also seen a certain spark return to her eyes, something in the way they trained that Connie imagined could only be Pearl reliving the war. This, the way Pearl stood before her now, was something entirely different – the gem that had taught her to fight, to be strong, to put her spirit into something worth fighting for, now looked completely and utterly defeated. Her eyes, lately shining with tears or a wave of inspiration, were completely vacant, looking at the ground with her brows knit together in a show of pain; her usually perfect posture had become a formless display of imbalance, leaning on Amethyst for support; the meticulousness of her speech had become a babbling mess of incoherent sounds and words. She had been crying, that much was clear, but there was something in her face that was beyond just sadness. This was suffering.

For the horrible state Pearl was in, Amethyst wasn't much better. Usually tough and indifferent, Amethyst still had tears rolling down her face from whatever had happened between them. She looked like she had been punched in the stomach, gasping for breath as the two stood there, arms wrapped around each other. In many ways, the two Crystal Gems standing before her looked like they had just returned from a battle, ravaged by a fight that shook them both to the core. The dawn that had winked through the clouds to greet them had been extinguished, gray cloud coverage and a mild fog taking its place.

The green gem who had shared Connie's space inside the barn (and, who had just shared some unexpected feelings with her, too) was standing beside her as they started to walk outside. Neither of them had expected things to be good this morning, and Connie had been doing her best to put on a tough face in preparation for a difficult conversation, but she hadn't expected this. Just looking at the two of them made her resolve falter, her mask of confidence cracking. They looked like they had already lost, like Steven was…

"What has happened?" a soft voice spoke to their left. Both short gem and human jumped at the sound, not realizing Ruby and Sapphire had returned from the hillside. Ruby had been resting somewhat regularly, but Sapphire still looked as slovenly as the day before. Her mouth was pressed into a hard line, her expression suggesting she already knew the answer.

Ruby dropped Sapphire's hand and ran over to the others, holding Amethyst by the shoulder and grabbing Pearl's other hand. It was a surprisingly effective response on her part, nobody having expected Ruby to fill the role of compassion and support right now.

"You both… what is it? Sapphire said we needed to come quickly, it was Steven?" Her voice was its usual fiery rush of emotion, but she squeezed them in a hug, trying to melt the agony from their faces. Amethyst pulled back and gave them a heartbreaking chuckle, devoid of all her usual brash and mischief.

"Well, if Sapphire already knows, it could be… maybe she should just…" the purple gem said, looking up at Pearl, who moved for the first time since this all started. She looked down at Amethyst and gripped her tighter, weighing on her even harder for support.

Ruby shook her head as the gem in question moved to stand next to Connie and Peridot. "No, Sapphy doesn't. She just said that something was going to happen, something was changing… She couldn't see, too many possibilities." The red gem glanced nervously behind her at her partner, who was tense enough without the added pressure of producing narrative.

Connie couldn't help but admire Ruby at a time like this, headstrong and doing whatever it took to alleviate Sapphire's already weighty burden. However, with her fears confirmed by Ruby's mention of Steven, that something has changed, Connie felt extremely anxious. Pearl's and Amethyst's reactions could not indicate anything positive, and she felt the urge to grab the handle of her sword, wrap her fingers around the comfortable weight that rang with potential: I can make a difference. Instead, the human girl simply stood and waited, holding her breath, vaguely aware that she must have looked horrible, in her pajamas with her hair unbrushed, but no one else seemed to mind. No one reacted for a moment, but Peridot gave a sharp intake of breath. The exhalation was a hiss, barely words, as she lifted a hand to cover her mouth. Every line of her green face was etched in realization and horror. "It was a dream!"

Then, more stillness. The clouds that had blossomed in the sky had grown larger and more threatening, wind disturbing their otherwise peaceful moment. The human girl felt so many things all at once, so much that her head felt dizzy, worried about the forced fusion, what might have happened, what Pearl could have seen, but she couldn't afford to get lost in her thoughts like the swirling clouds. She resigned to clenching her fist and furrowed her brow into a concerned but serious expression.

There needs to be a voice of reason. Focus, Connie. This is too important.

Amethyst looked up at Pearl when Peridot spoke. The tall gem flinched, her eyes narrowing so thinly Connie might have thought they closed altogether and surprised them all when she began to walk away from the others, backwards in the direction of the silo. Amethyst was holding her hand, making sure she was steady, and eventually let her go.

Pearl stopped walking about 20 feet from the barn and the others followed. She turned around, bent down on one knee – a pose Connie had come to associate with her knightly behavior, not her currently dejected presence – and everyone froze. They had all seen Pearl do this before, an image projected from her gem, a memory, a scenario, a thought Pearl wanted to make public. But instead of awe and anticipation gripping the onlookers, they all just stared, nervous, unsure what could come to life before their eyes. And they waited, and waited, and after a minute of no light projection, no memory, no sound, Amethyst gently chimed in.

"Last night, Steven… he came to Pearl in a dream. It was… I don't know… you all really need to..." It was evident that even Amethyst was struggling struggle to make sense of whatever she had seen, her voice thick with tears, trying and failing to prepare them for what would come.

How did Peridot know it was a dream? It made sense now, but I would never have leaped to that. Why couldn't Sapphire see the details of this, maybe her visions are limited to the physical world? Or maybe she knows and wanted us to see… whatever this is? Not just one message, but now another… It was like two ends of a rope, neatly tied off to resist fraying, parenthesizing her best friend's whole life. One message existed beyond time, his shallow breathing and small gasp representing one end of the space, and whatever this was could only be its foil, framing his entire existence by whatever image was about to come from Pearl's gem.

Everyone's minds swirled with a million questions, fears, demands, and hopes. All of them shared a silent, collective understanding that this could make or break, well, everything. Sapphire and Peridot were both looking at Pearl nervously, their body language clear – well, what happened?! Ruby was visible shaking, although with rage or grief it was not clear, and Connie just stood dumbly in the half-circle of gems that looked down at Pearl, mind considering a million worst-case scenarios, worried that what might appear might not be Steven at all, but something worse.

A sniffle, then another, and Pearl used one hand to squeeze the inner corners of her eyes. It reminded Connie of her mom's habit to pinch her own eyes when she was stressed. Now, it was Connie who was stressed, waiting with baited breath as Pearl tried to compose herself.

"Go on, P. It's… you know it, it's so important."

A few more moments passed, a gust passing through the valley, the grey skies of the morning leering at them as they all waited, tense, wondering. The sky grew brighter as the sun rose, but there was not a single refreshing burst of light that shone through the dark clouds, the overcast greys spiraling silently. An unexpected flash of pink joined their semi-circle, nudging next to Pearl, caressing his head into her side. She released the hand pinching her nose and rested it on Lion's mane, remembering the day she had run from Steven with Rose's sword. Now, she was running from him again, but this time she couldn't escape the image of him in her mind.

Pearl looked forward at the others, seeing no one, her gem flashing to life. It glowed beautifully, washing over them all in a blueish white light, and then there was a frigid stillness for miles.

Materialized in front of them was Steven, but was it really him? Connie had seen him battered and bruised, but this was something else entirely. He was wearing a strange shirt that was almost as long as her nightgown, which only made his own dilapidated appearance look all the more meager. Swollen, bruised, hair a wiry, greasy mess, he stood there beaming at Pearl. Pearl's eyes focused on him and she couldn't help but smile, but it was a hollow sort of smile.

"Oh my gosh, PEARL!"

His voice, so excited and surprised and so him …it made many of them smile involuntarily and made everyone wince. Amethyst had turned away from them all, crossing her arms and face drawn with pain, not wanting to relive the dream again. Connie had started to cry, Peridot was covering her mouth with both hands, and Ruby was holding Sapphire, whose face was buried in the red gems shoulder. Lion simply had his eyes closed, resting protectively near Pearl's side.

Pearl opened her arms as the cheery phantom practically leaped into her arms. Almost instantly, Pearl's sorrow washed away as she immersed herself in the fantasy. She was gripping Steven, but he had none of his warmth like last time.

They hugged and twirled and laughed. The laughter was one of the more horrifying parts of the whole episode, Pearl laughing and crying with this shadow of Steven, disbelief and worry painted plain as day on all of their faces. There was something infectious about Steven's laugh that would have usually brought them all to smiles, but this moment produced nothing but wide eyes filled with dread as they watched the scene unfold. Eventually, Pearl kneeled again, and she placed Steven down onto the grass. He looked nothing like himself, yet it felt like he was right here, like they could just reach out and touch him, grab his hand, never let him go…

"I wonder if it's because the cuffs are gone? Wow this is just, wow, so weird. To think, a dream about breakfast, and then, bam! Wow. I can't believe it's really you, Pearl."

Connie had begun to laugh and cry too despite herself, amazed to hear his giggle. It felt like it had been ages, and though he looked so different, his voice had not changed.

"Geez, and I was dreaming about food? Of all things, I would have expected Amethyst…"

Then, Steven's head turned slightly, away from Pearl, who looked worried. He stopped talking unexpectedly, and they all thought the same thing. Luckily, Pearl voiced their shared concern.

"Steven? What is it?"

"Pearl. Listen to me. I don't know how much time I have."

Everyone was surprised to see how quickly he had gone from his usual, wholesome self… to this fraction, less than even half-gem and half-human. He was… fractured, still Steven underneath, but his being was obscured by layers upon layers of pain and hurt and fear. His voice had dropped to a whisper, his expression going cold and vague, worry weighing down the bags under his eyes. What had caused him to turn so worried so quickly? What was he thinking? His face, his shaking hands, his change in tone… it made it so difficult for them all to watch, like an accident that was terrible yet fascinating. One moment fine and the next, despair. Quick and disastrous.

"Just, there's something I need to tell you. All of you – tell the others."

"Steven, what's going on? Do you know where you are? Are… are you hurt?"

"That doesn't matter. Just, please Pearl, tell the others. Don't come after me. Don't try to find me. It's… I'm not worth it."

Steven had frozen in Pearl's memory, but not the same way he had when he had gone tense in Pearl's grasp moments ago. No, this was like hitting pause on a movie, and everyone realized Pearl had begun to sob again.

Connie spoke, her voice sharper than she intended. "Pearl…"

Amethyst had turned back to her, placed a hand on her shoulder, but she shrugged away from the comfort, an angry gesture. A moment later, still crying, Pearl resumed.

"What? Steven, don't be ridiculous. Of course we'll come after you, why would you even say that?"

"No! Please, Pearl. I don't know what Garnet can see with future vision, but don't come. There's… a lot has happened."

Connie winced at that. She knew what he was going to say, thinking about Lapis' reaction and Sapphire's broken voice. The forced fusion… Ruby deadpanned, and Sapphire was freezing in her grasp.

Pearl continued. "Steven… what did they do to you?" He winced when she spoke.

"Did Garnet… do you know… Opalite?"

"Opalite? No, Steven, it's Opal. You remember, a giant woman." Pearl hummed the melody to a song Connie had heard him play on ukulele a dozen times. Connie didn't know what Opalite was, exactly, but given the pain and fear in Steven's voice, she could easily guess.

"R-right. Never mind. Just, promise me, Pearl. I don't think I'll get this chance again. Promise me you won't come after me."

Pearl moved her hand to his, resting on her shoulder, aghast and confused and hurt by his words.

"Steven… I…"They just stood there for a moment, but Steven gasped before she could say anything. He continued, his words coming like rapid fire, so fast Connie was struggling to keep up.

"And Lapis… Pearl, tell Lapis I'm sorry. I never understood or appreciated what she did for me. She… I can't even imagine. Just, tell her."

"Lapis? We can't find her, she flew off when..."

"You can, I know you can. If anyone can bring her back, it's Peridot. Let her help. And, tell Peri I'm happy she stayed. The last time we talked, she said she wasn't important – tell her that wasn't true, and that I'm sorry I laughed. She is so important: to me, to Lapis, to Pumpkin."

Involuntarily, the others glanced at Peridot, the green gems eyes overflowing with her own tears now. Whatever they had expected, it wasn't a message like this. How could he be saying good-bye? How could he give up?

"And Garnet. Tell her how much care about her. I got her note – in the cereal bowl. Tell her I love her too, and thank her for me, for everything."

At this point, Ruby was crying and holding Sapphire, both broken at their shared message, sad at the realization that he hadn't seen them since Garnet had split. Whatever force of nature brought the heat to Ruby's heart, the flame was snuffed out; whatever calming forbearance Sapphire usually provided was locked away in her icebox heart.

"And Dad… Tell him I'm sorry, maybe he can take care of Lion, or go back on the road or something. I love them all. Please, tell them. And Amethyst…Tell her I'm so, so sorry. She'll understand someday. I just… can't…"

The misery in his voice was ubiquitous with the feeling that had spread over all of them. Connie's stomach responded by knotting painfully and her hands were shaking – with anger or grief she was not sure. Why was he doing this? Did he not believe in them? They could save him, she knew they could. Pearl and Steven were both crying now, hurting and hugging as Steven leaned into her shoulder.

"And Connie… there's so much I wanted to say to her that I never did. Tell her I'm sorry that I wasted her time. I… love her, Pearl, I wish I could have told her. But I don't want to hurt her anymore. Please, keep training and let her go on missions and stuff if she wants to, or let her move on. I'll miss her so much..."

How long had she wanted to hear him say that? She had waited, worried that he wouldn't feel the same way, maybe since the day they met, to hear those words. She dreamed about them, drew embarrassing doodles in her school notebooks, thinking about them, wondering what would happen if she said it first, too scared he would be freaked out. They had been so close, he was her biscuit, and she was his jam. They created Stevonnie. She could feel his feelings in the fusion, the bond they shared and the love that gave them their power, but how could she have known it wasn't her own thoughts in her head, since she had always known all along that she loved him. Why hadn't she said something? Why hadn't she done something while he was here?

Connie was aware that the others were looking at her, save Pearl, who was still staring at Steven.

"Steven, why are you doing this? We can come find you… we can save the day, like we always do." Pearl went to hold him closer, but she drew her hand back when she touched him. Instead, he drew back from her arms, and held her at a distance. His voice had a decisiveness to it that stung almost as much as the words themselves.

"No, Pearl, this is it. It's over, Homeworld… they won."

"N- no! It doesn't have to be this way, Steven. Let us – s"The others jumped back, not expecting Pearl to be cut off, for her eyes to go wide with fear as Steven leapt away from her. He was grabbing his wrist, a symbol glowing brightly in the light of the hologram. It was hard to make out at first – had it been there the whole time? – but as Connie squinted at his shaking wrist, trying to make out the shape, it glowed and flashed with alarming intensity. It almost looked, but no, it couldn't be… a diamond? The others must have already came to the same realization, because there was a wave of angry gasps that passed over many of them, some followed by clenching fists and even a few tears.

Steven was crying again, holding his wrist, the pain in his voice evident. He dropped his hold on his hand for just a moment and flung himself into Pearl's arms once more.

"Good-bye, Pearl... I don't think I'll… ever see you again. I love you."

And just like that, the projection ended, and they all stood in a numbing silence that was broken only by Pearl's tears.

Somehow, Connie's legs carried her back to the barn. She thought about screaming, punching something, unsheathing her sword and ravaging something, anything that would feed her current instinct to destroy.

The message was swelling painfully in her brain, replaying again and again, wondering what had happened. What cuffs was he talking about? Why hadn't she been there for him? Why didn't he want to be saved? What happened at the end, the pain, the diamond? Overwhelmed with anger, she slammed her fist into the wall, tears streaming down her face.
I love her, Pearl, but I don't want to hurt her anymore.

I love her, Pearl.

I love her.

She couldn't escape the maddening thoughts of Opalite on top of all the emotions, unable to even fathom how tortured he must feel. Was it anything like Stevonnie? It felt like Stevonnie had died, burned alive by the misery that emblazoned his voice. Then there was his broken spirit, the way his voice cracked, and he was thinner and so, so sad… How could they hurt him like this? Why would Homeworld do this, to him, her best friend?

I love you too, Steven…

Not daring to speak the words aloud, Connie cried harder, struggling to accept that she might never tell him how she felt.

/

Amethyst had become angry. Very, very angry. The first time she watched it hurt, but the second time it enraged her like she's never felt before. She couldn't stand to watch her friends and family come undone like this, for Steven to just give up, to say good-bye. How could Homeworld win if there hadn't even been a fight? It wasn't going to end like this. No, she wouldn't let it.

Connie walked back towards the barn once the playback had ended, leaving the others just standing there. Amethyst might have made to stop her, to tell her that it wasn't worth being sad since we were going to get him back, but she let her go. What Steven said about her… she deserved a moment alone.

But the others? This was unforgivable, and Amethyst wasn't about to stand there and let them act this way.

"What is the matter with you? Even you, Ruby? We can't just sit here like sad sacks and give up!" Amethyst's hair was even messier than usual, her eyes flaring with fury behind her bangs.

Ruby had not expected the hostility, and in typical Ruby fashion, responded with anger.

"What are you talking about Amethyst? How can we go get him… he doesn't…" She was fuming now, melting the ice that had formed around her feet, shaking as she raised her voice.

"Do not give me that, Ruby. You fought a freakin' war. Don't tell me you didn't want to quit a million times, but here you are, quitting on Steven. And you." Amethyst had turned accusingly to Sapphire, who looked neither calm nor collected.

"You knew? You knew what was happening to him and you didn't tell us? What else don't we know? We could have been there and back by now – I don't care what future vision says, he needs us and we're just sitting here doing nothing!"

Sapphire said nothing, but Ruby stepped in front of her protectively.

"Don't yell at her! Can't you see she's doing her best?" The two were getting madder and madder, their voices filling the field. All organic life had become quiet, all the tell-tale signs of a storm forming in the clouds.

Amethyst knew she was crossing a line, but she didn't care. She was too furious, forcing all of her anger and sadness in her words and spitting them out at Ruby. "Well her best is really showing us how to do a whole lot of nothing. Her best is Steven crying, alone, in space. What kind of plan is that? What are we even doing here?"

The red gem had reached her breaking point. Executing patience and respect all while trying to handle her own guilt, her own sadness, while worrying about Sapphire, missing being Garnet… the dam had broken, and she was flooding with rage. Raising a hand and stepping towards the purple gem, she summoned a gauntlet and was breathing heavily.

"Oh yeah, you wanna go? Fine, bring it," The purple gem had reached into her gem and retrieved her whip, prepared to fight sense into Ruby if she had to.

They've got to snap out of this. He needs us more than ever right now – just because he gave up doesn't mean we have to.

Things quickly escalated out of control. Amethyst wasn't sure what had become of Peridot and Pearl, but they were both nowhere to be seen. Sapphire was standing a ways behind Ruby, breathing heavily as her grasp on both present and future was swept out from under her. Ruby was huffing in her effort to tame Amethyst, who had whirled herself into a spinning ball and was flying viciously at Ruby. The grass had become torn up, dirt flying everywhere, and the red gem tried to stop her head on with her mighty fist. It worked, sort of – Amethyst's momentum pushed Ruby into the mud, down and down as they struggled, but ultimately Amethyst was flung to her side and zoomed towards the lake outside the barn.

The purple gem had been working on her reaction time, however, and flew across the water rather than down into it. She stopped herself against the side of the barn, splintering some wood, and pushed her weight against the barn wall, back towards the red gem. Her whip ready, she grabbed Ruby by the ankle and came at her fast, knocking her to the ground and shoving her elbow into her stomach. Ruby, her rage just growing with each passing moment, began to burn the ground beneath them and, consequently, singed Amethyst's arm. She flinched away, not expecting the sudden flash of pain, and Ruby used her chance to punch Amethyst plainly in the face. The purple gem went flying backwards, skidding into the ground, groaning while she pushed herself up.

"Ruby! Stop!" It was Sapphire. She had run between them, standing with her arms outstretched in front of Amethyst. Both gems were annoyed by this, each mud-covered and cross, feeling angry and betrayed for different reasons.

The red gem was fuming, her face reddened with chagrin and by Sapphire's sudden interruption, but she couldn't raise a hand to her. Instead, Ruby lowered her gauntlet but did not withdraw her weapon and approached them, slowly, scorching the Earth as she paved a path of emotion.

"Why, Sapphy? Why would you protect her? She yelled at you, she – "

Amethyst wondered the same thing herself.

"No Ruby, she's right. We have to move, we have to act. Something's changed."

/

Given what had happened in the past 12 or so hours, Pearl would never, ever have guessed she would be here, with this company.

After the group had begun to disperse, Amethyst getting angry and Connie disappearing, Pearl simply remained on her knees, thinking about everything and nothing all at once.

Why, Steven? Why would you want me to promise that? Was it wrong to show them? Was that supposed to be private, just you and me? I wish you were here, and now the others are falling apart. Garnet may be our leader, but you're what keeps us together… What would Rose think of me, seeing her fail not only the Crystal Gems but her own son?

Lost in every sense of the word, Pearl did not even realize that she was being dragged away by the wrist, into the hills. Lion was walking on her left, and Peridot guiding her by the right. She could hear the din of arguing, Ruby now shouting back at Amethyst, but gave it little mind.

"Do you know how this thing works?" The green gem was pulling on her wrist again, but they had come to a stop. Pearl wanted to ignore her, ignore the tugging that reminded her so much of when Steven would reach up and grab her when he was little, ignore everything and everyone. But Peridot's grip was firm, determined – not like his, tender and warm. In fact, this was almost painful.

Pearl's voice was raw, weak, and she was confused. Where was Peridot taking her?

"What? Let me go…"

The unlikely trio had walked farther than Pearl realized, the echoing of a battle ringing in her ears. Or was that another memory, betraying her consciousness, the war resurfacing in her brain? How many times she had those same shouts and grunts and undeniable sounds of battle? How many people did she have to lose before her life was over?

"No, Pearl. I need you. Please, please, Pearl. This is for Steven." She looked down at the green gem who returned her stare, hard and fierce. What was she talking about? What was for Steven?

"How does what work? You're not… making sense." Against her better instincts, Pearl was curious and wanted Peridot to continue. Was there really a chance that she could do something for him?

The force behind Peridot's voice was surprising, her constitution practically radiating with commitment and her face keen with the look strategy.

"This. How does it work?" A small hand rested hesitantly against Lion, who absolutely dwarfed Peridot in stature and muscle.

"The lion? He doesn't do anything. It's… he's the one who tamed him." She felt his name automatically rise up to her lips, but she bit her tongue. She couldn't – not yet.

"It has to! I know what to do – it can find Lapis. We need to find Lapis!"

Pearl snatched her hand away from Peridot's grip, disgusted and annoyed with the selfishness and manipulative motives behind her actions. How could she even think about Lapis right now, safely on Earth, when her baby was out there? How could she lure Pearl away, tempt her with a glimmer of hope that this had anything to do with Steven, just to betray her trust.

Pearl had to bury every urge to punch Peridot in the face for the second time since they've known each other. "What are you – "

"Hear me out! Please," Peridot had flinched at Pearl's sudden aggression. The taller gem hesitated, but only because she knew Steven would not have wanted this. He had given Peridot a second chance.

She explained herself, slowly, nervously watching Pearl's shaking fist. "He – he said in the message. Why did he list Lapis first of anyone? He wanted her to know something. We need to find her, we need to show her the message. He said it himself – we can find her. It's what he wanted. It must be important."

There was a long silence, the gust of this dark day passing between them as Pearl stood and thought to herself. Had she cared enough, Pearl might have thought it beautiful, the peaceful quiet of the country as the wind played in Peridot's hair and majestically flowed through Lion's mane. It bordered on the sublime, but her mind was too busy, swimming with possibilities.

Steven loved Lapis… but Steven loves everyone. It was just a coincidence. There's no way… but, then again, Peridot may actually have a point. His message to everyone else had been so clear, so precise. Connie, that he wanted her to train and continue on; Garnet, the note in the cereal bowl; Peridot, the last conversation they had; his Dad, with Lion and his music… All of them had been so specific, but Lapis and Amethyst. She listened to his voice, so close in her mind but so far in reality, again and again. There's… something off. She's right. She has to be right, there has to be something… What had made him so upset about Lapis, and why did he flinch when he said Amethyst's name?

Finally, Pearl spoke, her voice quiet. "What can I do?"

Peridot smiled up at her, glad to have Pearl on her side on this. She was going to need her help.

"Do you know how it, er, he, works? We rode him to the moon, and Steven just kind of…" she threw up her hands in a grand gesture, not really expressing at all what Steven had done.

"Can he help us find Lapis?" she finished.

The taller gem bit her lip and crossed her arms, genuinely unsure. "I… don't know. It really only listens to him," she furrowed her brow, thinking. "And sometimes, it doesn't even really do that."

They both stood there, more theoreticians than practitioners, trying to think of what Steven used to do to get Lion to listen. In response, the pink beast just looked at them both, expressionless, stoic in the grassy hills.

After some thought, Pearl spoke (partially for Peridot's benefit) by addressing the concern pointedly towards Lion. She stared him straight in the eyes, and he returned her gaze with an equal intensity.

"It's, uh, Lion, right? You… brought him to me once, do you remember? The Strawberry fields, the site of the war? Do you remember? He went in your mane, he brought out Rose's flag." Her voice was desperate, still muddled from all the sobbing, but she was trying to speak deliberately to see if he understood. If he did, he made no move to acknowledge the memory. Instead, Lion just continued to sit perfectly still, staring at her.

Peridot was watching them, hopeful and on edge – she needed for this to work. There was no other way to catch up with her, but Peridot had only experienced a ride on Steven's Lion twice, and it had been less than pleasant on both occasions.

Prepared to give up, she turned to Peridot who urged her on, waving an encouraging hand.

"Uh, right. If you do, we want to find Lapis. Lapis Lazuli. Do you think you can find her? It's… it's very important that we find her." Again, Lion made no attempt to move in anyway. For all he seemed to care, he might as well have been alone in the countryside, waiting for the storm to begin.

Frustrated, her nerves shot from all of these ups and downs, Pearl stood up, turned away from Lion and threw up her hands. If her appearance wasn't clear enough, her voice was the embodiment of exasperation. "This was pointless. Lapis won't be able to help us anyways. She'll come back, but Steven won't." Pearl pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to compose herself as the hurt and loss rushed back to inundate her.

As quickly as she spoke the words, Lion stood up abruptly. His sudden change had caused them both to jump, staring at him as he narrowed his eyes dangerously. Pearl wanted to smack herself for not considering that the beast might be violent if Steven was not present…

To their relief and surprise, however, Lion turned his head and released a deafening roar. A few birds flew out of some nearby trees who had retreated to the forest for coverage from the coming tempest. Peridot and Pearl exchanged a nervous glance, both less than excited by the prospect of riding into a mysterious warp hole with an untamed, magical Lion, but they had asked for this.

This is for Lapis. For Steven.

Before they lost their courage, the two mounted the creature's back and hugged the him tightly, hoping beyond hope they could at least do this for Steven, at least deliver this message. Lion broke into a sprint, hurling them all forward towards the warp, and Pearl had noticed just the slightest touch of rain had begun to fall before they disappeared. If nothing else, she wanted to see his requests through. She had shown everyone, delivered his heartbreaking message as requested, but it had not yet reached the ocean gem. Pearl had been unable to agree to his promise, but she could at least do this.

/

The air was the only place she could feel free anymore, and even that was limited. Lapis had been flying for nearly three days now, anger and frustration melting with the passing hours, only to be replaced by disappointment, sadness, regret, and loneliness.

It was stupid, she knew, to fly away from the others. By now, the fusion had to be done. Her sweet little Steven, the best beach summer fun buddy she could ask for, the first one to treat her with respect, the one who healed her despite all the wrong she had done, was dead. Maybe not physically – or maybe he was, she never felt like she could trust Sapphire again – but his life had extinguished the moment that Holly Blue Agate had taken him.

A thousand piercing little visions pricked at her brain painfully, at which she would try to fly higher to escape the sensation. The clouds were often warm from the sun and wet with Earth's water, so they provided some small exoneration from the ache she was feeling. It wasn't an entirely effective method, though, because after a while the thoughts would reach her again, the idea of the Homeworld gem catching him from above, forced to fall into her outstretched arms, or maybe she would twirl him, like she had once been, or maybe the Diamonds had found another way to force it, something far worse… something she couldn't bear to imagine.

Lapis had considered flying away completely, into space and maybe even after Steven more than a dozen times, but each time she came back to a weighty guilt. The damage was done, and she had been useless. She of all people could have been the one to stop this, to warn Steven not to let his guard down, of how fusion like that twists your mind, contorts your will into something far greater and far worse than yourself.

As if her own mind had been mocking her, she felt a twinge of Jasper's audacity flicker in her stream of consciousness, telling her running from her problems was pointless.

But if I don't keep moving, I'll be trapped again. Trapped with these thoughts, these feelings…

And in a moment she was back there again, under the ocean, tied to Jasper and holding on with all her might. They struggled endlessly, for months and months, so connected that Lapis wasn't sure where her own mind ended and Jasper began. Was the voice in her mind now even the same as the one she had left behind, in her prison cell on the Hand Ship? She couldn't even remember what she sounded like before. Forcing Jasper down with her like that… she had felt so powerful, so much bigger than she could imagine. It was the presence of Malachite herself that had been the one to break their bondage, her own will bridged the gap that separated gem from gem. There was a deep, seething hatred that overwhelmed everything else as they grew closer, the bulk of consciousness being slowly overtaken by what they had become.

The tears she had been shedding took Lapis unawares. She lowered herself to just above the sea, her feet grazing the top of the water and terrifying the aquatic life below. This ocean, this world that had become her unintentional home, where Lapis Lazuli had died and emerged from the sea rose Malachite and whatever fragments of her original essence that remained. Looking up into the star of this galaxy, the sun that gave Steven, her crops, and Pumpkin life, she thought it ironic now how they had switched placed. Now, Steven had been the one to die out there, in the place she had once longed to call home again, his only remains to be whatever their fusion left behind.

To her surprise, a comforting image of Peridot entered her mind, giving her pause. Lapis stopped her flight, hovered above the sea for an extended moment, thinking of her companion. This whole thing was devastating in a way she could never explain to Peridot, her once-enemy that had quickly become one of the most valuable people in her life. How could Lapis ever let Peridot in when her heart was lost in the waves below and her purpose lost in the stars above? She should go back, Lapis finally decided, and give Peridot the peace of mind that she could have all of the barn back for herself. Earth had no appeal for her anymore, not ever fully aligned with the Crystal Gems and Steven being gone. She could find a new world out there, uninhabited, where the oceans did not remind her of everything she could never be again.

As if in a dream, the very green gem she had resolved to return to (if just to say goodbye) appeared in a commotion of light and sound a dozen yards away. She was accompanied by Pearl, who Lapis had a particularly difficult time with, and Steven's odd pink pet.

"Oh my stars, ah, that was…" Peridot had begun to say, her voice shaking but she sounded accomplished. She shook her head, trying to take in her surroundings but struggling under the sudden brightness of the day. The place she and Pearl had just escaped from had been dark for miles, though she had seen the sun break the dawn, the skies threatening to scour them with rain any moment. She blinked and looked around, nervous that the lion had failed to take her to her desired location, absently making a mental note that lions could walk on water, and gasped when she saw her.

Lapis returned her surprise with a mostly blank expression, with the exception of her mouth which had opened into a comically round "o." For a moment, the ocean gem was convinced she had gone delusional, wondering if the tendrils of her what remained in her mind had finally weathered away to nothing. She was wrong, though, as Peridot quickly confirmed her physical actuality.

"Lapis, I'm so gl – " was all she had managed to shout out before she vaulted herself into the water. Pearl stared down at her, thinking she should do something, but she was still reeling with too many turbulent emotions for her reaction time to be worth anything. Instead, Lapis slowly drew in her fingers to a half fist while raising her arm, and in a moment, the green gem broke through the surface.

And to her amusement, Peridot acted like she had not just embarrassingly flung herself into the ocean. She just continued to speak with the same enthusiasm as Lapis held her above the ocean.

"Lapis! Yes! I knew I could find you. I… uh, can you put me down?"

Saying nothing, Lapis created a smooth plane of impregnable water below Peridot, and then released her inelegantly from the water bubble with a pop. She dropped to the surface, landed on her backside, and Lapis had to keep herself from laughing.

She opened her mouth to speak again, but Lapis raised a hand, vaguely aware that Pearl was watching them while still astride Steven's creature. Though she felt a bit lighter with her company, Lapis had already made up her mind. The blue gem set her face seriously and looked down at the green one.

"Don't, Peridot. I'm not coming back. I was actually coming to see you, to say good-bye."

The small gem had not prepared for this, thinking Lapis would be as excited to see her as she was, but her dismissal did little to phase her.

"You can't, well, not yet. I know you must hate it, here, everything, Lapis, but I… I wanted, no. Let me, uh" Peridot was flushing green now, her mind returning to the conversation she had with Connie only hours earlier.

When you love someone, you just try to put the pain to the side. Use it as fuel rather than dead weight. It's not that it's gone, but it's not as important as the way you feel about them.

In response to her stuttering, Lapis raised another hand to silence her. She spoke softly, not wanting to hurt Peridot for trying.

"Thank you, Peridot, I appreciate the friendship you gave me. But it's time for me to go, there's nothing left here for me." Lapis again felt uncomfortable with Pearl sitting only a few feet away as they said goodbye, but there wasn't anything she could do to get rid of her.

It's better this way, now that I think about. Since she's here, I don't have to go back, again. I don't have to think about this place any longer. I can finally be free.

Peridot's brain was in a flurry as Lapis looked down at her sadly, her tone leaving no room for discussion. Fuel, not dead weight, Peridot. Just, say something! "That's – no! You're wrong. This is your life, and I, Steven, or anyone can't make you stay Lapis, if you don't want to. But you don't have to go, you don't have to give up what we've… all made here. You still have the barn. You still have Pumpkin and corn and... you still have me. And Steven – he's not back, but, well actually, it's complicated." She took a breath, focusing herself. Just put the pain to the side. "Just, Pearl, could you?"

Lapis' head shot back and forth between them at this exchange. Everything Peridot was saying was sweet, enough even to make her face feel warm, but the mention of Steven had made those feelings go dead immediately. She reached one arm across her chest, grabbing the other, half-hugging herself in anxiety.

"What is it? Has something happened?" Why are you acting like this? There's nothing you can do for him now…

Pearl shifted her sitting posture, favoring two legs on one side rather than straddling the pink lion, took a deep breath, and lowered her head. Lapis just looked at her, confused, unsure what she was getting at. Was it another trick, her gem, the fortress of her prison for so long being brandished in her face, a taunt of some kind? That made Lapis tense in anger, the waves around them becoming more violent.

After a moment, though, a light appeared from Pearl's gem and was stationed above the water. It was… Steven? Lapis flew forward towards him, reached her hands out, only for them to phase through his light-constructed form.

Of course… an illusion. The Steven you knew is dead. We've – I've already accepted that.

Peridot spoke up when she watched Lapis fall to the water on her knees, longingly searching her hands that were unable to hold him, devastated by the sudden hope that was dashed as quickly as it came. She looked up from her hands, searching his loving face for something she couldn't explain, crushed by the misery of being unable to reach him. They watched beside each other as he flew forward into Pearl's arms, the two of them exchanging hugs and cries. The projection made her Peridot's throat tighten, but she had to stay focused.

"He came to Pearl in a dream last night. He's… alive. But he's hurting so much, Lapis. Keep watching." Peridot had walked carefully across the plane of water that stretched across the sea, now standing at the blue gem's side. Peridot did not reach out to touch her, despite wanting to be comforting, knowing her aversion to physical contact.

So the barnmates were at an equal height as they watched Pearl experience her dream turn quickly to a nightmare. Lapis had remained on her knees, her eyes affixed to Steven's face, her own heart breaking as she watched his expression change from that smile she loved to a blankness, then turning to fear, void of all the innocence and kindness that she loved about him. The hologram was traumatizing in a way Peridot could never have expected, but it was like Lapis was feeling mind be torn apart all over again, but somehow even worse. This wasn't just her own self-inflicted torture, done for what she deemed a good cause no matter what it cost her, but now it had been passed to Steven. Steven, who was so well-natured, broken in an irreparable way, a change she recognized immediately. Pearl and Peridot made no acknowledgement besides confusion when he mentioned Opalite, indicating to Lapis that they still didn't know.

Beside herself, Lapis cried out in agony, slamming her fists onto the water that supported her. How could they do this to him? Why hadn't she been there to stop it?

"Please… stop, enough. I can't watch anymore." Lapis had been reduced to sitting on all fours, her fists clenched painfully as she remembered it all and saw everything flashing through his own eyes. The tearing, the connection, the hatred, the power, the regret and impotence of your own will… it all swirled in her mind as she felt the sting of tears in her eyes.

Pearl had paused, and Peridot felt horribly guilty. The white gem was obviously doing this at a great personal expense, the green gem watching as she tried to hold her Steven, fingers just perfect resting on the image without disturbing the projection. Peridot was second guessing her plan as she returned her attention to the blue gem, knowing they hadn't gotten to the important part yet – his message to Lapis – but she was hesitant to continue. She hadn't expected this kind of desperate reaction, hearing the pain in her voice as she let out a cry.

Nervously rubbing her hands together, Peridot decided she had to continue. If they could just reach the next part, they could stop. She had prepared what to say to her blue friend once the memory had ended, once they reached her part of the message.

"Lapis, just a bit more, there's…"

"I don't CARE!" Lapis slammed her fist down again and the ocean exploded into crashing waves, sending Lion and Pearl hurling in one direction and throwing Peridot back into the water. The vision of Steven, the horrible, horrible vision, had ended, but Lapis felt like all progress she had made since agreeing to call Earth home had vanished with along with the projection of her friend. She couldn't even mind Peridot yelling her name as she sank below the surface, appropriately plummeting down to join the ocean gem's heart at the bottom of the sea.