I look as sookie [My younger sister] leaves again too be with her vampire guys Eric Northman and bill Compton. I feel the familiar pain in my chest. We were suppose to talk. I was finally gonna tell her. Tell her about everything the cutting, the depression, the attempted suicide, the bad thoughts in my head. I was going to tell her everything and she left. No even remembering I was there. I look at the plate of grease and fat in front of me. My stomach growls in hunger. I want it but I remind myself that ill never be loved if I stay this fat. I instead get up and head to the bar to drink away my pain. After I drink a lot more than I thought I would I start to feel the familiar itch. I know what it means. I stand and head out to my car smiling the whole way knowing my relief is coming soon. The drive home feels so long but I finally make it. I step out of my truck and feel the weakness in my legs. I stumble my way inside. I head to my room to grab a pair of sleep clothes and a my new razor I keep hiding under the lamp by my bed. I walk to the bathroom and shut and lock the door. I step in front of the large mirror and undress slowly. I stare at the bones sticking out and the cuts covering my body. I run my fingers along the deepest cut I've ever done. Its at the top part of my arm. I had cut to the bone hoping to finally end it. Instead I woke up in my bed the next morning. The cut stitched up and bandaged. I felt the pain for a very long time because I cut through nerves and all the pain killers I had were just Tylenol and ibuprofen. I force myself out of my memories and finish undressing. I step into the shower and turn the water on full heat. I sit at the bottom of the tub feeling the water burn my more recent cuts. I let my eyes wander over to the razor at the side of the tub. I will myself to pick it up. I set the sharp edge against my thigh. I repeat my mantra Push down pull back over and over again. When I finally stop I made Eight new cuts. I watch the blood bead up and watch as the water pulls it away. I cant tell if I'm crying or if its just the shower water. I watch the blood swirl around the drain and disappear with this confusing fascination. all I can think is this wouldn't have happened again if I could have told her.