*A/N at the end of this chapter
20. Two Moves Ahead
For Steven, this meant there really was no going back. He should have accepted it the moment he agreed to Blue Diamond's terms, but this, standing here, felt much more binding than just words. It had been difficult, especially after seeing Pearl one last time, not to hear a tiny whisper in his brain that wished everything would somehow all work out. They always saved the day, didn't they? But no, not this time: there would be no rescue, no happy ending, and he would never see them again. As if in response to his thoughts, the door behind them echoed loudly as it latched shut, locking him in – no going back.
The two lone occupants of the hallway stared at each other for a moment. Heliodor was so much taller than him, and this empty stretch of space only exaggerated the difference. Her expression was predictably vacant, something Steven had come to guess was her thinking about something. Steven hadn't realized that his eyes had become downcast, twisted in an expression of pain, but he couldn't go backwards now. He tried to relax the muscles in his face, a conscious effort of resigning to his fate. Then, another moment of staring. Several seconds passed wordlessly as the two utter opposites studied their counterpart, only for his towering escort to suddenly turn and begin down the hall.
Neither spoke, as had become custom between them, but Steven thought there was something softer about the orange gem now compared to their first meeting. Maybe it was just his childish desire to want to trust everyone, but it felt to him like she had slowed her strides, making it easier for him to stay at pace with her. Steven dared not speak on it, but his chest felt a little less pressure, not have to practically run after her.
They stayed on like this for maybe twenty minutes, further and further down the endless hallway, always moving straight. There were no corners, no curves, no imperfections. It was a tomb of absence, a corner of the universe where there was near to nothing. Aside from the auto-illumination of gem technology that provided a natural glow to the room, the only thing remarkable about this place was how little it felt real.
Heliodor spoke after a few more minutes passed, their footsteps the only sound for some time.
"White. Do you understand it, child?"
Steven was surprised for her to address him so suddenly, and for the question to be… well, not exactly passive, but not aggressive, either. His stride began to slow unintentionally, thinking seriously about the question for a moment. He managed not to fall behind her.
"I… think so?" His voice was a bit hoarse from not speaking for so long, so he cleared his throat. "It's the opposite of black. Black is um, nothingness. Empty. Dark where a color should be. White is a combination of everything, all colors, I think?"
Heliodor said nothing, pressing her mouth together tightly, keeping her eyes forward.
Steven wanted to say something else, but that really was all he knew when it came to that. He vaguely remembered the topic coming up on a T.V. show once, but that was a long time ago.
They returned to their private ruminations. He was curious about why she asked him that, his growing anxiety at being brought before White Diamond rising with each step forward. She hadn't been there when they… when he… fused?
Actually, that might not be true. The only voices I heard were Blue and Yellow Diamond… Had she been there, silent, observing their horrible circus show of murder? Had she already seen the way they screamed when Holly Blue forced them back together, did she notice their sickening stance of power when they raised the morning star…
Steven felt a shiver run up his spine, and realized he had stopped walking entirely. He was gripping the sides of his head, breathing heavily and feeling dizzy. He couldn't keep going back there, to that moment, the blood lust, the hatred…
"Augh!" He squeezed his eyes tighter, those feelings that weren't his own rushing up to meet him all over again. This wasn't the same as before, where Dani would come to forcibly calm him down from treatment, or with the world exploding into newness around him, too busy to be alone with his thoughts. It was happening again, his skin blue when he looked down at his arms, only for him to scream and jump back, blinking as they returned to a familiar pale hue. The laughter was in his brain, mocking him, telling him how weak he was on his own, how great they had been together.
"No!" he crumpled onto his knees, crying again. Heliodor paused while he was rocked by the flashes of memory.
How are you ever going to face the her? You can't even handle this, these memories… You are doing this for them, you've got to snap out of it!
Steven tried to force himself to calm down, but it was not an easy task. For several minutes, all he could do was listen to the maddening sound of his pumping heart, thinking it would send him into cardiac arrest before he would ever even make it to White Diamond. Footsteps broke the frantic beating in his ears as Heliodor approached him. She stood just in front of him, only a few inches away, her form looming as he sat pathetically on the ground. Still unsure of how to read her, Steven flinched when she lifted a leg, expecting another swift kick. Instead, she began to tap the floor impatiently with her foot, which Steven almost found funny from such a typically stern presence.
"You were wrong. White is not a combination, but a reflection, of all colors." Steven looked up, her voice hard and her face betraying no emotion. Why was she telling him this?
"When a form rejects all light, it appears to the eye as white. When a form accepts all light, it appears to the eye as black. White is not a product of many becoming one; it is, in fact, the opposite. It exists, white, by the concessions of the many. The most damning of all colors. White is nothingness, emptiness, yet it exists without being seen."
Her eyes narrowed as she spoke, studying the hybrid at her feet. He had stopped crying, but his expression had become forlorn, drawn at the crossroads of confusion and terror. Before he could ask her any follow-up questions, however, she turned away from him and planted her feet firmly.
"We must not waste anymore time."
Steven was lifted from the canyon of misgivings that had become his brain long enough to focus. He took a large breath at her command and shakily rose to his feet, scuffling forward. He had to face this, he had to, he couldn't go back.
For another ten minutes they kept moving, Steven thinking hard about what Heliodor had told him. For a gem who spoke little, save the day they met, he thought there was something off about the way she explained to him the true meaning of white. Of course it has to do with White Diamond, but that wasn't entirely helpful.
The most damning of all colors… It exists without being seen.
Steven was brought back to reality when he realized something had started to change. Things were no longer endlessly white and their path had begun to slop downhill. Squinting, he thought he could finally see an exit maybe 50 yards away, a blueish looking spot in an otherwise flawless crypt. His heart was pounding again and his hands felt clammy inside his cuffs, but for whatever reason, Heliodor had said they had been wasting time. Had he known there was some schedule to adhere to, he might have taken longer to enjoy the scenery of Homeworld before becoming trapped in the linear track of fate, but there wasn't anything he could do about that now.
After several more minutes of walking, his legs aching, the boy and the escort broke through into a new place, a room smaller than the first but still huge in comparison to anything he had seen on Blue Diamond's ship.
The walls were all smooth white, flawless as every edge curved seamlessly to create a sort of capsule-like chamber. It didn't feel like an average room for leisure or aesthetics – this was a careful architectural space, precision ringing in every detail. Many screens lined the walls, some floating around high above their heads, most of them too far away for Steven to read and probably in a language he couldn't understand anyways. He noticed a few of them had images of odd places and shapes, but without a context they meant very little to him.
Heliodor finally derived from their endless trek towards his oblivion when she veered left, approaching a door and moving towards the panel. Her slender fingers busily typing away, Steven tried to examine the mystifying room. There were no chairs but long stretches of metal that, he guessed, could only be used for smaller laborer gems of some sort. They were too tall for him, and maybe a little too tall for Pearl, but he could imagine Garnet or Heliodor comfortably being able to stand around the dazzling displays of metal, doing who knows what.
A gentle beeping brought his attention back to the door as Heliodor moved to stand back, so he followed her lead, expecting something frightening to be on the other side. And he wasn't wrong, exactly, but it was more unexpected than scary. The massive frame did not budge as the tall gem and hybrid stood, gazing into the towering white wall. Instead, a smaller carving in the frame, maybe only six feet of the monstrous structure, unsealed and released an audible amount of pressure as the locking mechanism unhinged. A moment later, a Pearl appeared on the other side, separated from them by a yellow glowing light.
Steven shouldn't have been surprised when it had been a Pearl to greet them, as he had been told there were hundreds (or was it thousands?) all over Homeworld, but he gasped all the same. Her form slightly distorted by the crackling light, she looked at them both knowingly, an expression Steven recognized so fondly in his own Pearl.
Standing at attention, this Pearl's gem was obviously visible on her forehead, just like the Pearl he had loved and lost only a night or so ago in his dreams. He guessed she must have been white, but everything about her was discolored by the yellow light, so Steven had to reimagine the rest of her. Her hair was parted down the middle and cut to her shoulders, framing her lovely face in an elegant, simple way. Unlike most other Pearls, however, this one did not adorn typical ballerina-esque garments to complement her thin frame. Instead, her shoulders jutted out to point upwards and outwards, adorning a long cape that went down to her knees, and it clasped around her neck in a martial sort of way. Her outfit underneath was more like a spacesuit than clothing, skin-tight and patterned with tiny white circuit-like enhancements. She had turned her scrutiny from his escort to him for just a passing second, her face curious but not malign, taking in his undoubtedly strange appearance. Then, with a flash in her eyes, she returned her gaze to Heliodor.
"Your Estimable Pursuant." She curtsied low, bowing her head neatly towards the gem in question. Heliodor said nothing, so the Pearl stood back up and spoke again.
"My Diamond instructed that you are to return to the lustrous Blue Diamond upon deliverance of the prisoner. She offers you praise for the service you have done." Again, Pearl bowed, closing her eyes respectfully to show her appreciation.
Heliodor had regained her usually deleterious aura once Pearl resumed her regular posture.
"Yes, enough. Take him." Heliodor stepped to her right, so Steven was completely alone in front of the door.
"At once." Pearl shifted her weight to her right side and lifted an arm out of view. A few moments later the yellow barrier dropped, along with Steven's stomach, straight into the floor.
She was white, and so charming, like all the Pearls he's met, but her eyes made his stomach knot uncomfortably, orbs shining with the same white glow that washed over everything here. In stark contrast were deep black pupils, framed menacingly by white irises. Steven felt like he was like looking into the face of a beautiful apparition, one that was ready to drag him through to the other side.
Involuntarily, he found himself leaning towards his right, having grown used to Heliodor's guidance and shirking away from Pearl as she walked towards him. She crouched to his height and Steven winced at her touch against his arm, only to realize she was going to remove his security monitor. How ironic – the last time it had been put on, it ripped him away from his own Pearl in a dream, and now it was being taken off by another Pearl who was going to drag him towards his nightmare.
She busied her fingers only for a few seconds, but it was enough for Steven to steal a final glance at his orange anathema and chaperon, having grown to find her as both a comfort and a terror. Her eyes were unsurprisingly blank, but she was looking at him, and her mouth was pushed into that thin line once again. Not wanting to speak at risk of consequences, Steven gave her a weak nod of acknowledgement.
Thanks? Goodbye? Something like that.
Her hand twitched ever so slightly in response, but she looked away once his cuffs were unfastened, her gaze returning to the hallway that had brought them here.
Pearl stood as Steven pulled his arms out of their mobile prison, flexing his fingers instinctively at the sudden freedom. She extended a hand to him with a smile on her face, an image so close to his heart he almost cried, remembering how he used to feel safe when Pearl, or Garnet, or Amethyst would lead him somewhere. Even if it was scary mission or to some far off place, that gesture had once meant safety and comfort. Now, it was a representation of captivity, reminding him of Holly Blue Agate and fusion and Blue Diamond's Pearl and Blue Diamond herself and breaking down and now, in one fluid movement, it reminded him of what's to come. White Diamond.
Staring at her hand, Steven tried to be brave. He grit his teeth together and reached out his own, his mind exploding with one feeling, resistance, in case this was another falsehood, a pretense for fusion, but there was no gimmick. Her hand was hard and cold as stone, and she dragged him through the doorway almost immediately. Once they had passed through the thick width of the door, Steven felt a sudden rush of air as the wall closed behind them.
No going back, he tried to tell himself, swallowing hard on the lump in his throat.
Steven was brought further into the room by Pearl, her grip tight and urgent, nothing like the delicacy of his Pearl's own hand when she would try to explain something new or help him when he's fallen. He shook his head at the memory, trying to push it away as he focused on the strange room around him. It wasn't as bright here, the walls dark gray but glowing, bathing them in a strange light that reminded Steven of a morning fog, and the room wasn't nearly as large as the ones he had gone through to get here, but it was very, very tall. In a way, it felt like he had fallen to the bottom of a well like in an old movie, but there would be no trusty rescue in the nick of time.
Steven grabbed for his leg, releasing Pearl's hand when he accidentally smashed his foot into something, not realizing that his guide had moved upwards onto a platform. He hissed in surprise at the sudden pain, but followed after her quickly, his rising anticipation driving away the sensation. Now that he was on this higher level, maybe three feet off the ground, he realized the raised platform expanded over the whole room, maybe only fifteen feet of clearance separating it from each wall. It didn't feel like the metal, cold floor he had come to expect beneath his toes, and though this was chilled, it was… different. Faultless, the creamy white surface extended out on a perfect plane. He had felt this before, he recognized the feeling against his skin, but he couldn't place it…
Pearl had let him lag behind now that he was with her on the platform, not demanding his hand to which Steven was grateful. Advancing towards the center of the mysterious disk, Steven sharply drew in a breath when the floor came to life beneath them, blinding in the darkened room. It was… yellow? So bright, like looking at the sun, Steven's eyes adjusted and saw Pearl's face had been washed with blue, and the walls to his left shone white…
Blinking slowly, Steven's heart began to pound with renewed panic. They were standing above a giant version of the Diamond Authority, illuminating the perfectly circular platform in the three familiar colors. Pearl moved towards the shining white triangle that divided their island of light into distinct sections and raised a hand, beckoning him to join her. Clenching his shaking hands, Steven made his way towards her, eyes stinging as he went.
He had almost crossed onto the white surface when he hesitated for a brief second, the feeling beneath his toes finally reaching the surface of his memories. This wasn't just an elevated slab in the middle of the room or a mysterious light show – this was a massive warp pad, larger than any he's ever seen before. It must have been the size of the entire island that hosted the galaxy warp back home, if not bigger.
Pearl cleared her throat, subtly trying to bring Steven back to reality. He blinked furiously as he tried to regain his nerve, forcing foot after foot to move forward. It was hard, though – he was so, so scared. He needed to do this, though, for the others. For Dad. For Connie.
Connie… god, I miss her. This would be so much easier with her…
The light of the warp pad made him blink away a wetness in his eyes, which frustrated him – he thought his vision had already fully adjusted. He rubbed an angry hand against his cheek and closed the remaining distance between himself and Pearl. Lowering his gaze, Steven let himself be lifted by a familiar light, his body hurdling into the unknown with Pearl at his side, her hands clasped neatly together. How many times had he shared this same moment with his Pearl back home? His head was angled away from this her, though, trying to focus on nothing, his heart heavy despite the weightlessness. And in an instant, he was back on solid ground.
Had he looked up, Steven would have seen massive Athenian-like columns lining a large, triangular room, immaculate white washing over everything; or noticed the opposite wall was not a wall at all, but glass, looking out into a starry void; or realized the haunting figure seated at a massive geometric throne straight ahead was looking straight at him. He might have noticed Pearl drag him along a clearly defined path marked by the only color in the room, a silvery grey that branched outward into a large engraved diamond shape on the floor before her. Had he been listening, Steven would have heard Pearl greet someone, or noticed his footfalls as he was dragged down the grey path in the otherwise silent room. He hadn't noticed anything, though, too lost at that moment in his sentimentality, a million miles away with his family at home. But this was not his home. This was Homeworld.
Then, someone spoke. "You are dismissed, Pearl."
That voice. That chilling, icy, lethal voice rang in the room as Pearl obediently led herself away, out a door to his left. Steven wasn't looking at her anymore though, his attention now fully dedicated to the gem seated before him.
He had tried to picture what White Diamond might look like a hundred times, drawing on his memories of her mural and the appearance of the other diamonds, but even his deepest fears had not prepared him for the supremacy that saturated the very air around her. She sat cross-legged, each leg at least as tall as Sardonyx, with giant hands folded across her lap. Her clothes were a mixture of snowy whites and menacing silvers, and she had a similar cape to her Pearl that jutted from her shoulders, but it was so long in her sitting position that it spilled over her throne and onto the ground below. Her hair, a soft white, was pointed and drawn backwards from her head, reminding Steven of his Pearl from home. She sported a simple silver gown that contrasted with her icy countenance, making her appear all the more divine and terrifying. Her mouth thin and her nose slightly pointed, Steven noted that her brows were raised dubiously as he stared at her. But it was her eyes… white and permanently suspicious, they were fixed in a piercing glare as she studied him. It felt like she was impaling him with nothing but her vision, looking into and through him at the same time. They extended out to wicked dark points, like eyeliner that he had seen on some women on Earth; this just stood to make her look all the more deadly. Had she not had black pupils, Steven would have thought she was something from his nightmares. Well, even with them, she was.
Neither of them spoke for several minutes, just staring at each other, one terrified and the other amused. How could something so small, so defenseless, have caused her so much trouble?
White Diamond leaned her head thoughtfully to one side, and the boy yelped in surprise as the gray floor beneath him shot up to be level with her torso. The hybrid had fallen to his knees at the sudden movement.
Steven was shaking horribly now, but unsure what she was going to do to him, he thought it best to remain on his feet. Carefully picking himself off the ground, Steven tried not to meet her eyes. Her stare was so intense it made him feel like she was only inches, rather than feet, away. His mind had gone blank in his panic, rendering him unable to speak or move from his frozen spot in the middle of the grey platform that suspended him high in the air.
Finally, after an eternity of silence, White Diamond opened her mouth to speak. Her head was still tilted to one side.
"Tell me, how should I address you?"
Steven felt like he had been hit upside the head. That was it? No fusion, no shattering, no torture or bone-chilling experiments? She had really brought him all the way here to talk? She had to already know his name, his story… well, everything by now, so why was she questioning him?
He cleared his throat, and held his hands in front of himself timidly. "I'm, um, Steven."
White Diamond tilted her head the opposite way at his response, bringing a hand to her chin.
"Very well. Steven it is, then." The way she said his name shot tremors up and down his spine.
"That is within your rights here, to be addressed appropriately. But I'm afraid that is as far as they go." Her tone dripped with contempt and Steven dared not challenge her. After another brief stretch of stillness, she dropped the hand that held her chin and pushed against her throne, standing up.
Whatever fraction of her already impressive authority that had been muted by the informality of her sitting position vanished the moment she stood to her full height. Steven was in total awe as she looked down at him – she was not like the other Diamonds, that was clear to him now. Unmatched in her ubiquity, White Diamond was an idol, the degree of her preeminence befitting a god. Towering over him in her sudden change, Steven felt even smaller than he ever had. What could they, she, possibly want with him?
White Diamond raised a hand and turned around, drifting towards the window that opened her view out onto the universe, studying the nothingness of space. Her gesture caused Steven's platform to shrink to a more befitting size for his comparatively tiny body, maybe ten feet wide in each direction, and lifted him higher into the air so she could more easily speak to him. Steven must be fifty feet in the air at least, but he preferred this to her staring at him. He felt some the tension in his muscles relax when she turned away from him, making him marginally less ill.
Favoring a more stable posture while suspended in the air, Steven opted to sit down carefully against his airbound prison and hugged his knees to his chest, something he tried to do whenever he felt dizzy. Nothing else to do, he tried to take an inventory of the room while he had the chance. It was colder here, and the ceilings were incredibly tall, even relative to White Diamond's impressive form. From above, it was difficult to make out many details below (and he hesitated to look down at the risk of becoming nauseous) So he tried his best to stick to things at or around his level – most obvious was the throne. It was the only thing in the room that was jagged, making it hard not to look at, a choppy wave in an otherwise still see. There was no apparent rhyme or reason to the sharp edges, as cutting and menacing as the gem who owned it. The image made his skin feel prickly just by looking at the sharpened points, and the chill in the air mixed with his fear, sending him into shivers.
His host finally turned her head in his general direction, just enough that she could peer at him with one chilling eye. "And, by my rights, you shall refer to me as 'My Diamond', and nothing else. On any occasion in which you address me directly, you are expected to salute. Do you understand?" The last sentence was not truly a question, an invisible dagger held threateningly to his neck.
Steven managed a weak nod; his voice had gone dead in his throat.
She turned a bit more, but not completely, around, just enough so that both of her eyes were fixed on him again. Then, she closed both piercing orbs and shook her head.
"Ah, but you do not understand. Let's try again. You will refer to me as 'My Diamond', and you will salute when you do so." Her eyes flashed opened, locking with his own. His brain felt fuzzy as she stared at him, and his body began to respond despite his mind's inability to keep up. His attention was drawn to the marking on his wrist, glowing threateningly yellow once White Diamond had finished the command.
Steven gasped, but he wasn't able to react fast enough, and his arm began to burn, singing as electrical fires ignited in his bloodstream, causing him to cringe painfully and grip his arm. So that's how it was going to be – do as he was told, or suffer the consequences.
And suffer he did. This was not like the times before – those had been brief, an obvious solution just within reach: his cuffs. He knew that Pearl had taken them away, but he couldn't help madly searching for them, a sanctuary against the agony. His wrist began to flare hotter as his whole body began to tense and twist from the sensation, his arm growing brighter with each passing moment.
This was almost as terrible as when he tried to separate from Opalite… but that had been internal, a conflict of the mind. It was a special sort of misery in which he had some say in the matter, however small it was. He had two options: continue to be Opalite, or to try force himself away from their horrible creation, a lesser-of-two evils battle that was impossible, yet predictable. This was different – now, he had to accept the punishment for as long as White Diamond chose to entertain it.
Steven felt like his nerve-endings were coming apart, almost passing out from the intensity. The pain reached a peak when it stopped feeling like a burn altogether, changing to a kind of consumption. His whole arm had begun to turn yellow, and he was crying. It felt like his blood was boiling, his cells turning on him and eating each other alive. His cries were lost on deaf ears, however, echoing sickeningly around the hall as he twitched horribly on the ground. He was vaguely aware that if he was not careful, he could fall to his death at any moment, but the thought that disappeared in a flash once the sensation spread to his navel. Everything that had been up was down, nothing felt real and his vision turned white the moment the moment the burning had reached his gem. Steven began to cough violently, like someone had kicked all the air from his lungs, only to kick twice as hard the moment he gasped for renewed air.
Then, in an instant, it was over. Pouring sweat and eyes blinking madly, Steven heaved for breath as he laid in a crumpled mass on his private island of tortured ground. He felt like he wanted to fall asleep and never wake up again, the life drained from his body, but he was soon taken over by another fit of coughing. He was surprised as his lungs throbbed when he had coughed up blood, his mouth sticky as he felt the phlegm and blood stuck to his teeth. He was shaking, badly, worse than he ever had in his whole life.
"Do you understand, now?" Her tone was void of sympathy, flat and cold as it settled into the emptiness of the room.
Steven wrenched himself into a sitting position and tried to swirl around his tongue in his mouth, desperate to make it wet enough to speak. He flinched at the prospect of bending to her, a literal tyrant, but he would do just about anything to never, ever feel that again.
The last time he spoke those words had been against his will, triggered by their mind, not his… but they came to him all the same.
"Y- Yes, My Diamond." His voice was very weak and his arms were too short to adequately form a crossed diamond, but she seemed satisfied, turning back to the celestial scape that was her dark, endless vista.
"That's better. So then, Steven, tell me. What do you know about the war?"
Their conversation had only just started, he had already made a mistake, and he really did not like the direction she was taking, but he thought it his best to answer honestly. He tried to remind himself that this was his life now, Homeworld's prisoner, until he died. What reason did he have to lie? She would force the truth from him if that's what she wanted.
He coughed a bit roughly when he opened his mouth to speak, his throat aching from the earlier episode, but he managed. "I, uh, don't know very many details. Sort of just the bigger moments. I know that…" he had been about to say 'my mom', but decided that was not the best choice of words.
"I know that Rose Quartz had started the fight against Homeworld, and it started on Earth, because of Earth. She… um, wanted to protect the planet, and a lot of gems were…shattered," he struggled with the word, squeezing his eyes shut at the memory of his own mistakes, and continued. "She, Rose Quartz, had started the revolution because she… didn't think Homeworld treated gems fairly and didn't want the Earth to be destroyed." Steven peeked through his closed eyes, hoping he hadn't spoken out of turn, but the Diamond was not looking at him, her gaze still fixed upon the stars.
"So, things kept on for a while, the fighting, mostly on Earth, and it all sort of… stopped, I think. After she was shattered…" He gripped his knees a little closer to his chest instinctively, hoping he wasn't going to have to say her name. Every time she came up, Steven was worried he would be crushed just by the weight of his own guilt, and that was when he wasn't in the presence of colossal, murderous Diamonds.
She said nothing for a moment, engaged in a private discourse with her magnificent reflection in the glass that overlooked so many stars, planets, galaxies. They all pined in potential as she looked across the cosmos.
Steven was thankful to have a moment to himself, not ready to continue the interrogation. He tried to steady himself, breathing hard, the sweat and chill of the room only making his shaking worse. His arm was cramped from being tensed unnaturally for so long, and his eyes moved to examine the damage. His wrist still shined yellow, not fading like it had before, like a fresh branding had been placed over his arm, a reminder of his subjugation. The veins that snaked like rivers up through his body were visibly brighter as they branched out from his wrist, not true yellow but tinted enough so that he could see them through his skin. He wanted to vomit, but he had not eaten, sustained by whatever medical procedures Dani had used to tend to him.
White Diamond broke from her reprieve and turned to face him, expression blank, eyes wicked.
"Steven, do you think your mother was a hero?"
Ugh – he hated the way his name sounded coming from her lips, like a compounded iteration of all the things he hated about himself, a hallmark of why everything he thought, did, and said was wrong. And how was he supposed to answer a question like that when he wasn't even sure how he felt about it? About her? His mother, Rose Quartz… she was liar, a shatterer, but so was he. She fought to protect the Earth, the ones she loved, and she had given her own life for his.
Honestly, they didn't seem so different anymore. Except she got away, in a sense – he didn't.
He opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again, thinking about how to answer, not meeting her penetrating stare. He tried again after a few more steadying seconds.
"I… don't know how to feel about her, My Diamond." He grimaced, but continued. "I never met her, but, I think the Earth is worth protecting, so I… know why she did what she did." He wiped his sweaty hands against his jeans nervously. "I wish she hadn't done it, though. So, I… guess not. I don't think she's a… hero. Just someone who had to make a hard decision."
"Is that so?" It was phrased like a question, but Steven was pretty sure she was not expecting him to answer. Her head had turned to look at something away from them both, her lips pursued, her mind elsewhere.
Steven fidgeted uneasily while White Diamond was lost in thought, hoping that answer was sufficient, unsure of why she wanted to know these things. He reflected instinctively on his comparatively civil conversation with Blue Diamond: My Agate says you're, what, fourteen? Ugh… that made his brain ache, remembering the dazzling floor and the pain and Opalite and all of it, all over again. He hated not knowing what was his own mind and what she had taken from him. How much did she know? Maybe the Diamond's didn't know as much as he feared, and that's why there's all the questions? He shook his head when he felt his skin crawled as the feelings of violation and regret threatened to drown him.
For her part, White Diamond cared very little about any of the hybrid's current actions or feelings. She was already miles ahead of their conversation, thinking about her next move, and the one after. En passant.
She returned to her seat and lowered the boy to the ground, a frown at her lips, but she was not sad. No, she was only disappointed that the game had been this easy – thousands of years without a worthy opponent. White Diamond tilted her head again and raised a hand out to her side. The gesture was confusing to Steven, the best he could compare it to the way waiters would prop up trays carrying food, but that was a silly thought given the gravity of the situation. He eyed her hand cautiously, waiting for something to happen, instinctively reaching for his wrist.
"If that is the case," she paused, a pink bubble appearing in her open hand. Steven squinted at it from the ground, only to shout in fear and surprise when the Diamond hurled it at the floor in front of him.
"Then kill her, Steven."
The bubble popped and the gem inside slid across the floor with the force of impact, but stopped when it began to glow as it was lifted into the air before him. Steven watched in horror as the shape began to solidify its form around the gemstone, backing up in revulsion as Rose Quartz landed softly on the ground in front of him.
Steven clutched automatically for his own gem on his navel, relieved when he felt the hardness press through his oversized shirt, but he continued to back away. It was Rose Quartz, certainly, and if not for her gem placement and unusual attire, he would have thought it was his mother back from the dead. Her gem was on her right upper leg, visible through an opening in her pant leg in the shape of a diamond. Her clothes were white, but not in the flowery, flowing gown his mother wore. No, this gem was equipped in relatively standard Homeworld attire for Quartz soldiers that he had seen on Amethysts, Jaspers and Carnelians at this point. Her hair was massive and bright pink, spilling over her shoulders and down her back in beautiful ringlets, lips pink to match, and eyes fluttering open as she reformed around them.
Rose Quartz arched an eyebrow at him curiously, looking at his absolutely horrified face, wondering why she had reformed in front of a human child. She recognized she was in a Homeworld gem room, probably somewhere within White Diamond's military district, and she scanned around to study where she was, rubbing her chin with a giant hand thoughtfully.
Then, she shouted in surprise when white manacles flew forward from the ground below her, securing her hands and feet before she could complete the turn, making it maybe halfway before she was bound.
"What, what is this?" That comforting, kindly voice that he had heard on only a handful of occasions was uncharacteristically fearful… But it was her's. It was her, right here, standing maybe five feet from him. He heard the melodic tone of Blue Diamond in his mind again.
You aren't the Rose Quartz, are you? No more than any other cut of the same gemstone.
This wasn't her, but it felt so much like it was, and Steven covered his mouth in horror as she started to struggle, realizing she was standing at the feet of White Diamond.
"M-my Diamond? I swear I had nothing to do with what the rebel Quartz did, I was not aligned with her, or any of the traitors, please… spare me, please. I'll prove my loyalty, I'll – I'll," but she did not have the opportunity to finish, a flash of white shooting from her shackles to cover her mouth. Her eyes went wide as she looked between human child and White Diamond, utterly confused and horrified by whatever circus she had reformed into.
Steven had gone completely numb, watching his mother – no, just, Rose Quartz – struggle desperately in confusion and fear as White Diamond looked down at them, saying nothing. The half-human felt tears well up in his eyes, the magnitude of what White Diamond was asking him sinking in.
White Diamond watched them, the smallest smile on her lips. "Well? If she was no hero, then she was just someone with a hard choice to make." Her voice was pure ice.
All he could manage was to stare at the two of them, wide-eyed. How, what, why was she asking him to do this? What could this possibly accomplish, just murdering blindly, and this Rose Quartz really was innocent, her shouting and crying muffled behind the bit White Diamond had forced into her mouth.
Utterly broken, Steven had no choice but to beg. "P-please… I can't do this. Please…"
This was just too much, his mind spinning out of control. His head hurt, his arm and wrist hurt, his entire body hurt, and now it felt like she had planted a dangerous white heel directly over his heart and had begun to slowly execute the pressure. Now he cried mercy, but the pressure did not stop.
"Oh, but I think you can." At that, White Diamond lifted a thin panel from her pointed throne, typing swiftly into the screen.
As soon as she returned the glowing tableau to its proper place, the door that Pearl had exited out of opened again, and someone entered the room.
It was, but, no… No…
Clapping her hands together arrogantly and sweetly tilting her head to one side, Holly Blue Agate marched the length of the room until she reached Steven, who had become absolutely appalled and disturbed and panicked as she closed the distance between them. He hadn't seen her since… and, now, here? No, no no no, he can't do this again. He can't, they can't, no, not here, not again.
Then kill her, Steven.
"N-no…" it was all he could choke out, hyperventilating as the blue gem got nearer, face sneering down at him, her presence familiar in a nauseating way.
She leaned down be at his level, and Steven immediately recoiled away, hating her, hating this, the look on her face, but she easily caught up with him. Desperate, he sat on his hands, realizing it was childish – she could easily wrestle his arms out from under him – but he didn't care. He thought he might pass out, his heart hammering against his ribs.
Holly Blue Agate secured an arm around his shoulder, holding him close in a sort of playful show of companionship, and Steven clenched his teeth, repeating the same word in his mind:
Resist resist resist resist resist resist resist resist resist. He said it again and again, no matter how sickened he was by her cold blue arm around his neck, he focused everything he had into the word, trembling as he thought about Opalite all over again.
Holly Blue Agate spoke in that same condescension that rang in his ears occasionally, the voice he tried to snuff out. "You're having trouble with a task, I see?" She looked at him and nodded her head in the direction of Rose Quartz, still struggling and perplexed as she watched the two interact. White Diamond, meanwhile, simply looked on, her eyes narrowed and observant.
"Don't be so afraid, I'm not going to hurt you." Steven just responded by shutting his eyes tightly, angling his head away from her. She was so close, he never wanted to see her again, and now she had her hands on him again. The urge to vomit came once more, but Steven just coughed so hard his body shook.
"Didn't that Danburite patch you up? Tsk. Orderlies. You're not looking so good, Steven."
No, don't let her get to you Steven, she's trying to get under your skin. He shuddered, the word "literally" coming to mind. Focus. Resist, resist, resist…
White Diamond stood up, all of them falling silent. Holly Blue Agate flew upwards and assumed the diamond salute, and Steven scrambled to twist his arms into the same shape but making no attempt to stand.
"Agate." Her voice was a command, any clarification unspoken, the order already existing before it was vocalized.
Holly Blue nodded seriously and spoke with her head bowed. "Yes, of course, My Diamond."
Then, she turned back to Steven and got down on one knee, both of them facing the desperately scared Rose Quartz.
She held out a hand in front of him, not in an offering gesture, but Steven still gazed at it suspiciously; he was just glad she was no longer touching him. A moment later, a blue bubble materialized in front of them, floating gently in front of them. Then another, and another, and within the span of only seconds there was at least a dozen blue bubbles decorating the air around them. It would have been beautiful, like a Christmas scene casting a blue light across a beautiful white room, if not for what was contained inside. There were shards in all of them, and it was difficult to tell at first, the blue tint making them all look more-or-less gray or brown, but they were, in fact, orange and yellows and purples.
He shouted and started backing further and further away, his lungs struggling for oxygen as the weight of reality thrusted him deeper into a dark, rumbling cloud. How could he feel so awful and not be dead? The physical pain, the emotional trauma rising up to his vision, White Diamond's stare and Holly Blue Agate's voice, Rose Quartz, his mom, the chains, the burning, Heliodor, White Pearl, his Pearl, Dani's message… he felt like he was collapsing in on himself, what little remained of the twigs that supported the roses in the garden of his mind snapping under the pressure. He wished it didn't hurt so much, wanting to pass out, at least feel numb for some short time, but they were unrelenting.
Holly Blue Agate had stood up and retrieved two bubbles, bringing them to him, Steven deadpanning as the egregious truth came closer and closer. She was right in front of him now, and she popped the bubbles lightly with her hands, shards clinking at his feet. Orange and purple.
"Most of this I have to take credit for," Holly Blue Agate turned proudly at the display and returned her gaze to him. "But these – these are ours."
Clutching his head in his hands, Steven tried to shut out the world around him, refusing to look at the display glittering at his feet. It was one thing to think about what he's done, but to be forced to look at the crushed remains of all of these gems, the very ones that had risked their lives to help him escape… And for what? He escaped the first time with their help, only to be brought back, and for their sacrifice to have been wasted.
Self-sacrifice is not noble…
Now they were all gone, dead… and many of them by their – his own hands.
No no no – don't slip into that again – you're Steven, not them, not Opalite.
Could his heart have managed, it would have spilled out onto the floor along with the remains of the gems he had shattered. It was pounding against his chest so loudly he could feel it in his skull. It was like the metronome beeping in his hospital room all over again, but the rhythm was unsteady and no air mask came, no escape from his thoughts, no comfort and warmth. He was sitting at the cusp of the those he shattered, had fused with, had given him life, and the puppeteer behind all the madness.
"That will be all, Agate. Leave them," White Diamond's voice was somehow even more terrifying, but maybe it was just Steven spinning out of control. She had tacked on the last part when Holly Blue bent down to re-bubble the damaged shards of the Amethyst and Jasper that he had destroyed.
"You see, Steven, you say you can't. But it looks to me like you already did."
He was furiously trying to blink away tears and regain some small amount of composure. He could hear Holly Blue Agate's footfalls receding away, his insides untwisting somewhat without her looming nearby, her arm touching him, her haughty voice, the way she said ours…
White Diamond seemed pleased with her quick work, the tiny being trembling and his body unraveling from the pressure. She glanced down at the Rose Quartz who had stopped struggling but still looked between the two in utter confusion, imagining the reaction of her fellow Diamonds at a later discussion. Oh how the idea charmed her.
The terrifying leader tilted her head to one side again, piercing invisible javelins through the boy with nothing but her eyes. It felt like he had been sitting there for an eternity, refusing to look up at the anything around him, denying the reality that shined inches away from his toes. The Jasper had been crushed under those same feet…
White Diamond shook her head in fake disappointment. "I really don't like to have to repeat myself, Steven, so I will only ask this once more. Kill her."
What was he supposed to do, what was he supposed to say? He didn't even have a weapon, she was massive, and he was so weak… Steven raised his head slightly, a naïve voice in his mind hoping it was all a nightmare, that he would be back in the clinic, or even his blue cell again, away from the insanity that had become his life.
Rose Quartz now looked terrified at White Diamond, her struggling renewed in full. She didn't want to die, she didn't even know what was happening to her, and yet a human boy was being told to shatter her?
The boy in question screamed out in pain once more, his wrist searing under the Diamond's command. He couldn't do this, he would die, his heart would surely stop before White Diamond could make him do this. He was already a murderer, but he couldn't do this, not here, to her, just anything else…
Steven opened his eyes when the burning in his wrist leveled out, the pain not disappearing but changing. His mark was radiating, this was new – it was glowing again and it tensed his muscles in a dull ache, but it was white. Not yellow – but a shimmering paleness that matched the room around him, and he was aghast when his arm started to move on his own, pushing himself to a kneeling position. He had stood up, but, he didn't, want… to?
Against his will, Steven was being literally dragged towards Rose Quartz, skidding gem shards in every direction as his feet were wrenched through the pile of death. His head was spinning, body tensing madly in resistance – it was just like Opalite all over again, but he was in his own skin, his mind was not twisted, but his arm was pulling him like a magnet. He was practically tripping over his own feet, failing to keep up, but he was already right in front of Rose Quartz, the towering ghost of his mother locking eyes with him.
The ringmaster had settled back into her throne comfortably, enjoying the show. The boy was brought to face the Rose Quartz gemstone embedded in the captive's leg. He was staring at it apprehensively, struggling and muttering in resistance, but it all stopped the moment he raised his shield.
It all felt so wrong and foreign, Steven usually summoning his shield against his right arm and using his left to guide him; now, his shield was drawn purposely in front of his left arm, his feet pushing against the metal floor.
No, no, no, stop it, STOP IT, STOP IT STEVEN.
Every circuit in his brain had turned to ash, however, failing to reestablish the connections that controlled the movement to his glowing arm. White and deadly, it bent inwards into his torso before smacking out at full force, making direct contact with the shining pink gemstone in his mother's – no, Rose Quartz's – leg. She cringe in pain and let out a shriek, but it was lost behind the fabric that silenced her. The noise was not necessary as her suffering was obvious, the brilliant pink stone cracked against the impenetrable strength of her own shield smashing against her. Steven was revolted, and his stomach finally betrayed him as he started to cough up bile, disturbed and disgusted as his arm repeated the action a second time, then a third, but he was able to firmly plant his feet before the final blow made contact, using his other arm and sheer force of will to hold himself back.
White Diamond raised an eyebrow; she had not expected this. Steven continued to struggle with his own arm until he was thrown on his back in an explosion of pain as the glow in his arm and his shield disappeared. He was panting and shaking all over again, but this was different. Now it was not his body that had been ravaged but his will. He tried to look up at the badly damaged gem before him, flickering madly as the ties of her corporeal form glitched from the damage to her gemstone, tears streaming down his face madly. Without thinking, Steven automatically licked his hand and went to wipe his healing spit against the Rose Quartz gemstone, only for ghostly chains of his own to reach out and grab his arms. Adrenaline spun him to face the Diamond, her eyes narrowed into slits as he tried to defy her. She had raised a hand to summon his shackles, but she turned her palm upside down and squeezed her hand, the bonds upon Rose Quartz pulling her body downwards as the ground itself looked like it wanted to consume her. Steven could do nothing but watch in shock as her physical form was pulled apart as the scene ended in a puff of pink smoke, her chains clambering against the metal floor, a badly damaged gem of clinking gently to the ground. The moment the pink stone touched the hard floor, however, the small bonds of tension keeping her together had snapped, and fresh shards sat at Steven's feet.
The boy collapsed weakly to his knees, his spit drying against his shaking hand, his arm flaring as the room became silent. Gazing into a pile of pink shards, he reached for his own gemstone, utterly horrified by what he had just done. He was a shatterer, and across White Diamond's throne room were the dust and minerals of all of his victims, once innocent gems who had done nothing wrong, killed by his hand.
Turning his blurred vision towards his arm, Steven gasped: the diamond insignia was still stained yellow from the earlier assault, but now there was branching lines of white that extended down to his fingertips and mixed with his yellow veins. He hardly noticed White Diamond lean forward, not bothering to stand, extending a single finger to bubble all of the shards and send them away.
She folded her hands together under her chin as she watched him fall apart, the spirit her favorite part to shatter. It was much more satisfying a venture than simply crushing the body. No, with this, the essence of a gemstone's crystalline structure ached to resist in way their physical bodies never could. With brute force, she could easily destroy anyone; but ripping her enemies into shreds of themselves? That was something worth savoring.
She spoke, her voice feigning comfort. "Was it hard, Steven, to watch her die? She was not your mother, but it must have hurt, to be so close, only to watch her shatter right before your eyes. Did it hurt, knowing there was nothing you could do to stop it?" Her false words of consolation made him seize up, unable to accept what had just transpired. White Diamond was speaking again before he could even process her words.
"But I wonder, what is harder, a mother losing their child, or a child losing their mother? Ah but she wasn't your mother, not truly, so it is not the same."
She leaned dangerously forward, his heart an idle plaything for her own amusement.
"That was one Rose Quartz. I wonder how many more it would take for you to understand how it felt for me to lose her." Pink Diamond's name went unspoken, but the message was clear.
With a lazy wave of her hand, the room began to populate with pink bubbles – so, so many bubbles – and he had seen them before. These were the same ones that had been at Pink Diamond's base, the room of Rose Quartz gemstones… He gazed up at them, unable to breath, feeling like he was about to pass out if he was not shoved towards consciousness with another fit of coughing.
Unable to help himself, a complete mess of sweat and tears, Steven had no choice but to stall. "W-wait! Please, My Diamond," he did not bother with the salute, his eyes trying to focus on her but much of the path was obscured by pink bubbles. Before she had the chance to exact her will, Steven used this moment of pause to make his case through heavy breaths. "I … I'm sorry for what… happened to her… to Pink. My mom, she, I – " the rest of his sentence was silenced as he coughed again, genuinely thinking any breath might be his last.
White Diamond opened her mouth to silence him, only to stop when the hybrid collapsed onto the ground completely. This came as an unexpected surprise to White Diamond; she had expected more from the prisoner, but his half-human body was obviously more frail than she had guessed. A thoughtful expression came over her features, considering the next move, and two moves ahead.
Castling.
Well, for the time being, it would be best if he did not die, so unfortunately she concluded the meeting by summoning her Pearl to take him away.
She stood again and pulled a screen out of her throne a second time, searching for just the right file, ah, there it was. She enlarged the surface, studying the images of shards and dust. So much to do, to accomplish, and yet she would have to be patient. He must not die. Not yet. She still had need of him, and Blue and Yellow were both right, there is much potential there. But White had a way with things she liked to follow – first, he must learn his place, then, his will must be broken, and then his mind would be hers. Respect, authority, and obedience – all as ubiquitous to Homeworld as the colors Blue, Yellow, and White.
**Author's Note:
Wow! Can't believe we hit Chapter 20 and almost 100,000 words! We've officially passed the first two Harry Potter books as far as word count (77,000 and 85,000 respectively). I really appreciate all of my loyal readers, those of you who comment and who just follow along. A special shoutout to Dawn, rosewitchx, Dredd, Agent66, The Phantasm, Talltree-san and KimDWil71! Your comments keep me writing as fast as I can.
Coming up soon, we will spend some more time in Beach City, visit a Kindergarten, and, of course, check-in on Steven.