Author's Note: The last scene of this chapter has a very mild mention of sexual assault. If you'd prefer not to read about that, you can skip that scene. You'll know to stop when you start reading about the Tel'tak landing.
Jack looked up wearily when he heard footsteps on the staircase. He didn't have the strength or will to move. Not anymore. He didn't know how long it had been since the first memory of Charlie's death, but since then that was all he'd been put through. The death of his son. Time and again. Sometimes it was exactly the way it really happened, sometimes it was slightly different. Like what if this had happened, or that? Minor changes in the series of events as if his brain was trying to work out how it might have gone down if any one thing were different.
Three women entered his cell, he merely lay on his bed waiting. Whatever fight was in him was gone. If he'd been suicidal before, when he'd only had to live through the vividness once, then whatever he was now was uncharted. He felt hands on his chest, holding him down against the bed as if he were going to put up a fight. Willingly, even, he opened his mouth to accept the Blood of Sokar, knowing that if he did not, they'd merely force it on him and in his weakened state, that was almost worse than the memories.
As the liquid poured into his mouth, he swallowed reflexively. He allowed his eyes to slip closed and he felt himself begin to float away before the small, warm hands had even left his chest. It felt a little like going through the stargate, though warm where the demolecularization was cold. He still felt pulled apart then knitted back together on the other side.
He waited before opening his eyes, wondering if this was the time he'd find himself somewhere other than his and Sara's front yard. Slowly, he opened his eyes and was immediately disheartened to feel buoyancy in his step.
He jogged over to Sara, he leaned down, kissed her, smiled against her lips, kissed her again. It felt so nice. It felt so nice every time. It was strange to know what was coming and not be able to stop it, each and every time.
He looked over Sara's shoulder at Charlie's school picture, smiled again, pressed his lips against her shoulder. He reached for the photographs and-
Sara put the pictures in his hand with a smile. Wait a minute, that was wrong. He frowned in confusion.
"What?" she asked him.
He shook his head at her and waited, tensed, for the bang that would set the whole scenario off, but it never came. He handed the pictures back to Sara and took off towards the house. Sara was behind him, calling out his name but he didn't stop, he didn't explain, he just had to get to his son. Maybe, maybe this time, he could save Charlie.
He ran through the front door, the foyer, up the stairs, down the hall, checking each room as he passed, the guest room, the bathroom, Charlie's room, finally, his and Sara's room. There stood Charlie on the other side of the bed, holding the gun, pointed right as his face. Jack raced around the bed and startled Charlie who tightened his grip on the gun, his little thumb hooked over the trigger. Jack reached for the boy, but Charlie jerked back, sure he was in trouble and not wanting to be touched.
Jack's hands fell to Charlie's and then, with Jack's hands around the gun, with the pressure of his hands on Charlie's, the gun... it went off.
Jack was close enough that blood splattered onto his shirt. He screamed Charlie's name, caught the body on the way down. Could actually feel as the life drained out of his son as he swept him up into his arms and raced out of the room and down the hall. He ran into Sara on the stairs. She halted his forward progress, hands flying immediately to Charlie's bloody face.
He shouldered her out of the way and she was hot on his heels all the way to the truck. She climbed into the backseat and reached for her baby. Jack slid Charlie gently into her lap.
On the drive to the hospital he was in a cold sweat. That was the first time he'd been holding the gun when it went off. It was the first time he could arguably say he shot his own son. He felt bile rise up the back of his throat, thought he was going to have to pull over to throw up, but he swallowed it back down.
He swung his big truck into the circular drive in front of the emergency room and hurriedly scooped his son off his wife's lap and then took off at a run for the sliding doors that led into the hospital. From that point on it looked the same as it always did, the nurse waved them through to triage, the triage nurse tried to take Charlie, Jack carried the boy to a bed, the doctor checked for a pulse, his son was dead.
But this time, when he threw up, it was because of the knowledge that he'd shot his own son. He'd had his hands on the gun when it went off. His larger, stronger hands had forced Charlie's down on the trigger and had caused the bullet to rip through his son's face and into his brain.
When he thought he was done throwing up, his body showed him he had more to give. Sara was off to the side, crying. He was glad she hadn't seen what had happened or she'd be railing at him. But then he thought of the moment when he'd have to tell her what happened, in detail because she was a detail person, and how she'd unleash on him then. Because he'd killed their son. Their precious baby boy.
When it was all over, after the medical professionals had shepherded them out of the room, after social services had done their thing, after the police had been attended to, he lived it again and again, always the same, always being the one to shoot his son.
And then, when his brain was apparently on overload. It was just him standing in front of his team and his family, the people who meant the most to him, with him putting a bullet in between each one's eyes. Teal'c, Daniel, Sara, Carter, Charlie. Teal'c, Daniel, Sara, Carter, Charlie. He watched as the blood splattered against the wall behind each head but he couldn't seem to stop it. One shot after the other. Teal'c, Daniel, Sara, Carter, Charlie.
As Jack began to drift up out of the dreamstate the Blood of Sokar put him in, he felt himself retch with the overwhelming feelings of what he'd been doing inside his mind. He managed to roll over just in time to vomit over the edge of his bed. Oh, his carers weren't going to like that, he thought as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He wished he was in control of his own water supply because he could sure use a glass right now.
He flopped back onto his back and threw an arm over his eyes, even the dim lights of the room too much for his sensitive head to manage. He thought he'd finally cracked up, his brain showing him exactly what he did to everyone who mattered to him. He'd already succeeded in killing Charlie. It was only a matter of time until he succeeded with everyone else. He was just as likely to get his team killed as he was to keep them safe and Sara... well, one day the bitterness of what had happened to their son would eat her alive and that would be his fault, too.
He laid there for what must have been hours, too tired, too beaten to move, the foul stench of his sick clogging up his nose and burning the back of his throat.
It was then that Astarte swept into the room. He hadn't seen her since he couldn't remember when. Behind her were the girls that tended to him. He rolled over and pushed himself into a standing position.
"It stinks of your mind down here," Astarte said with a scowl on her face. "Are you ready to admit you are worthless without my benevolence?"
He hadn't realized that was the lesson he was supposed to be learning, but he would admit to feeling worthless. He couldn't stop any of it from happening, couldn't stop his mind from conjuring up the worst it had to offer, couldn't stop the weakness. He met her eyes, nodded. If it meant he didn't have to live through any of it anymore, he was willing to do whatever she wanted. He just couldn't kill his son again, couldn't kill his team, couldn't stand one more beating, just couldn't do it anymore.
"Good. Then it is time you were removed to my service." She turned towards the girls and gestured to his cell. "Clean him up. I do not want him like this."
The girls murmured their assent and stepped around Astarte to open his cell. Two of them took his hands and led him gently out of the cell. When his bare feet hit the plush carpet outside the cell, his toes grabbed onto the soft, silky pile. They led him across the room and to the steps. He looked at them dubiously, uncertain as to whether or not he had the strength to climb them. But the girls helped him, slowly, one foot after the other, he hauled his body up the staircase.
They led him to a gilded bathroom. One of the girls peeled his shirt over his head while the other tugged the loose pants down his legs. He felt more exposed in the bright lights of the bathroom than he ever had in his cell but when he reached to cover himself he was admonished with a shake of one pretty head. His gaze bounced around the room until it stopped on Astarte. She stood in a corner watching. Apparently sizing up her newest acquisition.
Suddenly, as if he'd forgotten, his planned usage hit him like a ton of bricks. Even if he'd felt inclined to harden for use, he knew his body was too weak to perform in the ways she must expect. In his mind he came up with one scathing retort after another but the words just wouldn't come out of his mouth.
Eventually, the third woman reappeared with a glass of a milky yellow substance. She waited until the two women who had undressed him had led him to and helped him sink into a warm tub of water. The third woman handed him the glass. "Drink," she implored him.
He looked at her dubiously. The last things she given him to drink had sent him spiraling down into the abyss that was his memory. But she smiled at him reassuringly. It was then he decided he didn't care what the drink did. If it was more of the same then he could simply sink down into the tub and drown with it for all he was concerned. So, he sipped.
It tasted like milk and honey.
And almost instantly his head began to clear. He didn't feel as weak as he'd felt before. But, he noticed, his state of mind didn't improve. He still felt beaten. The drink might be the antidote to the Blood of Sokar but it failed where the Blood succeeded – he was, he knew, a shadow of the man who had been incarcerated. But he couldn't seem to care. He was death to the people he loved and he might as well be dead but for the pleasure Astarte would take from him. And he wondered if that would be enough, if the others found it to be enough.
When he'd drank his fill and when the four small hands were done bathing him, he was dried and dressed then led to an ornate bedroom. He knew instantly it wasn't his and knew exactly what he'd been brought for. The milk and honey drink that made him feel stronger suddenly made much sense.
Astarte sat in a chair in the corner. The women who had led him into the room backed out reverently.
"Now," Astarte said in a voice that brooked no argument, "you may undress."
Jack sighed internally. This was it. This is what he'd been broken for. He reached for the ties that held his pants up around his hips and pulled.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-
Sam stood on the flight deck shifting her weight antsily from one foot to the other as her father landed the Tel'tak near the stargate. "We should look around the gate to see if he's made camp," she said authoritatively as her father rose out of the pilot's seat.
"There aren't any good places to make camp," Daniel reminded her. "At least, not that we saw when we were here."
"We weren't exactly looking for places either," she snapped.
She watched as Daniel and her father exchanged glances and she took a deep, calming breath in an attempt to rein in her emotions.
"We'll take a look," her father said reassuringly.
"I do not believe O'Neill would have sought shelter near the gate," Teal'c said. "The town is near enough. He would have returned."
Daniel grabbed the big man's arm and attempted to haul him towards the door while whispering something that Sam couldn't overhear. Just as well, she figured. She probably wouldn't have wanted to hear what, exactly, Daniel had to say about her short temper.
Two weeks on the Tel'tak hadn't mellowed her out any. If anything, she'd grown more and more on edge the longer they were in space. It didn't help that her father continued to try to suss her out. It concerned her that she was unable to conceal her feelings. It made her feel weak and childish. So she overcompensated by attempting to be a strong, hardened leader. She hoped it made it appear that she was taking the colonel's disappearance hard in a professional sense rather than a personal one. But if the looks she was catching between her father and the remaining members of her team were to be believed then she wasn't doing a very good job.
The foursome exited the tel'tak and each took a quadrant around the stargate to check to see if the colonel had made a camp. Sam didn't believe he'd be hiding so close to the gate, as Teal'c had pointed out the city wasn't far and they'd had no reason to believe there was anything bad about the city. He'd have gone back. But she had to check. When after an hour it became clear that their search was going to be fruitless, they all convened back at the stargate.
"We'll hike into town, he must be there."
"I agree, Major Carter," Teal'c said. Though he'd participated in the search for the colonel near the stargate it had been evident the entire time that he'd thought the exercise to be a waste of time. He did, however, exactly as he was ordered without saying another word about it. But she could tell by the look fixed on his face that he'd been skeptical.
Sam wasn't really in the mood to talk so she was pleased when they set off on the four hour journey silently. It lasted almost two hours. Her father caught up to her and said, "We should talk about what's going to happen when we get there. We should have talked about it on the tel'tak." She could hear the censure in his voice. He'd tried to talk to her about it but she was having a tough time hearing what it was he was saying.
"What are the chances everything is fine and he's just biding his time in town?"
"Not bad," Daniel said from behind her, "but knowing what we know now, I'd say it's probably more likely that he's been compromised and drafted into Astarte's service."
"Astarte was... interested... in O'Neill," Teal'c said, obviously choosing a roundabout word for in deference to Sam.
"We'll have to assume he's been drugged and will be unable to make the trip back to the tel'tak without assistance."
"I will assist O'Neill."
"Thanks, Teal'c," Sam said sincerely. She hadn't actually thought about how they were going to get him out if he was drugged. "Do you think they'd still be giving him the Blood of Sokar after a month?"
"It depends on what it was being used for," Daniel said. "If the purpose of the drug was to alter his state of mind to make him susceptible to reprogramming as a slave then it's possible that he would have been given the drug for some time. It would probably take a while to break a man like Jack," he said thoughtfully.
The thought of the colonel being broken at all made her stomach turn. She'd been wondering for the past two weeks exactly what man they'd be bringing home, whether or not he'd be recognizable. But she'd always assumed, in the back of her mind, that the colonel would be stronger than whatever they threw at him. But she considered some of the memories he would have had to relive and they were awful. And those were just the ones she knew about. What about the things he'd merely alluded to over the past few years?
"Sokar had more than one substance at his disposal," her father told them. "There were drugs that counteracted the Blood of Sokar, others that made minds pliable. There's any number of things that Jack could have been given. He might be able to walk out under his own steam."
"The question is, will he want to?" Daniel asked.
"Why wouldn't he want to come home?" Sam asked.
"In a month he could have been brainwashed," her father supplied.
"This just keeps getting better and better," she muttered.
"We have to hope for the best," Daniel said.
"We have to prepare for the worse," she countered.
"I have to say, I agree with Sam."
"As do I, Jacob Carter."
Sam sighed and trudged ahead, ready to be by herself for a while, alone with her thoughts. She began to formulate her plan.
By the time they reached the city they were all hot, sweaty and tired, but there was no time to rest, no time to take advantage of the hospitality that was immediately offered when the townspeople recognized the rest of SG-1. As a matter of fact, they didn't even make it inside the dining hall before Sam said to the woman authoritatively, "We're looking for Colonel O'Neill."
The young woman looked suddenly nervous and that made the back of Sam's neck tingle with awareness. "He is with Astarte." Sam was instantly both worried and irritated. Chances were the woman had done something to him, but suppose she hadn't and he'd merely succumbed to her obvious interest?
"Where can we find them?"
"Astarte is not to be disturbed right now."
"I'm afraid I have to insist," Sam said, politely but firmly.
"Wait here," the woman said, then hurried off in the direction of a large, ornate house that SG-1 hadn't been invited into during the duration of their stay. They'd all assumed it was Astarte's home and now that theory had been confirmed.
The young woman knocked and then disappeared inside the house for long minutes.
"What do you want to bet that neither Astarte nor Jack are coming out of that house?" Jacob asked quietly.
"Then we're going in," Sam reassured them, reminding them of the plan she'd outlined for them on their walk from the stargate. "If the colonel hasn't been compromised, he'll come to us immediately. If he doesn't, we'll know that we have to extract him."
Sam looked at her comrades as her father squared his shoulders, Daniel took a deep breath, and Teal'c tightened his grip on his staff weapon. Sam internally prepared herself for battle, she hoped it wouldn't come to that, but she was ready if it did. She clutched her P-90 a little closer.
After many minutes the young woman came back out of the house with an apologetic look on her face. "I'm sorry, but Astarte will not be disturbed."
"You've said that already," Sam reminded the girl, "but it's important that we speak with Colonel O'Neill."
"He is... unavailable."
"Oh like h-" Sam started.
But Daniel cut her off and diplomatically asked, "Where is he?"
"He is with Astarte."
"And..." he led.
"They are..." the girl trailed off, clearly uncomfortable saying exactly what they were doing.
That reluctance made Sam's stomach drop. Without any further thought for diplomacy, she stepped around the young woman and made off towards the house. SG-1 and her father hurried to keep up.
"But, you can't!" the girl called out.
Sam didn't care. She was preparing herself, mentally, to shoot herself into the building if it was locked, but she found the handle turned easily when she approached the front door. She pushed through the door and found herself in a foyer that was well appointed and surprisingly free of people. Apparently they didn't believe SG-1 would be so bold as to walk right through the front door.
"Teal'c, you and Daniel check this floor, dad and I will take the second floor," she nodded her head at the stairs.
Sam and her father mounted the stairs. As she did she heard the sound of a zat blast and knew Teal'c and Daniel had encountered at least one person.
On the landing of the second floor Sam and her father were faced with having to choose a direction: left or right. Sam looked at her father; he merely shrugged. "Left," she said barely above a whisper and they headed off down the hall. She was faced with one closed door after another and she wondered what she might encounter behind one of those doors. A colonel who was more than a little peeved to be interrupted? Or a colonel who needed rescuing?
They checked each door as they made their way down the long hallway, but the rooms were empty, one after the other. Sam glanced down to the end of the hall and focused on the door there. Somehow, she just knew that she'd find the colonel behind that door. But, she dutifully continued to check each door along the way.
Finally they made it to the last door. Sam exchanged a glance with her father and they both readied their zat guns. Sam turned the knob and swung the door open slowly and quietly. The first thing she saw was the colonel lying in the bed. The second thing she noticed was the woman sat astride him. It took her brain a few moments to realize what she was seeing. Her eyes flickered back to the colonel's face. It looked determined, but not happy. And that was all she needed to know. She thumbed her comm unit twice, a signal for Teal'c and Daniel to come upstairs and find her, she had a feeling she was going to need Teal'c sooner rather than later.
Sam took one step into the room which drew the colonel's attention. She watched as his eyes widened in recognition and then shuttered into something cool and detached. She tried not to let that hurt, but she wasn't entirely successful. He did not, however, give her position away to the woman above him. From her new vantage point, Sam was able to confirm that it was Astarte he was in bed with. And he didn't seem all that happy about it.
Rage took over her. She consciously kept her eyes off her father as she raised her zat. The colonel never broke his gaze from her. Sam took aim. The colonel's hands shifted to grasp Astarte's sides over her ribs. Sam fired. Astarte's body jerked in the blue light that wrapped around her and the colonel eased her down and off to the side so she lay in the bed.
Sam tried not to notice how that left him exposed to her gaze, but it was a hard sight not to see – even if it was in the wake of him being taken advantage of. She felt a bolt of awareness shoot through her and she immediately berated herself for thinking anything about him while he was so vulnerable.
Behind her, she heard Teal'c enter the room. She turned her back on the sight of the naked colonel in the bed. "Get him dressed and let's get him out of here," Sam ordered quietly. "We'll zat anyone who gets in our way."
Daniel had already moved around the room to locate clothing for the colonel and he spoke up. "We already took care of three downstairs."
"And we haven't run into anyone else up here," her father told the other men.
"Jack," Daniel said, "can you get up?"
There was a moment of hesitation before the colonel's scratchy voice said, "Yeah. Give me some pants." There was a rustling behind her and soon enough he'd cleared his throat, the universal signal telling her it was safe to turn around. Her eyes flickered over his body, he looked no worse for the wear, though it was obvious in the thin pants he wore that his body and his mind were on different wavelengths as his body was still prepared for Astarte. It must be a drug, she thought.
Her eyes met his. His eyes were small and empty, he seemed to look through her more than at her.
"We're going to get you out of here, Jack." Daniel said, putting a hand on the older man's shoulder.
"You don't want to take me with you."
"Yes, we do," Daniel countered.
"This is all I'm good for now," the colonel objected.
"That's not true, sir. And we've got to get out of here. Now."
"Astarte... she wanted me to be her... I didn't ask her to..." the colonel couldn't seem to finish a thought.
Sam's stomach turned as she realized that what had been happening there had been nothing more than rape. She was blinded by rage again. As the colonel stepped towards the door he opened a direct line of sight between Sam and Astarte. The woman was still out cold. With barely a moment's hesitation, Sam raised her zat once again and fired off one shot. She watched as Astarte's body was enveloped once more by the blue light. And this time, when the light dissipated, Astarte was no longer breathing.
She shot a glance at the colonel. He looked between her and Astarte. It was clear he wasn't sure how to feel about the death of his captor. She thought it was probably true that between the drugs and whatever had been done to him, he wasn't sure about anything.
"We're taking you home, sir."
"Can you make the walk to the stargate, Jack?" her father asked.
It took him a moment, but he finally nodded. "How long has it been?"
"A month," Daniel said after it became clear that Sam wasn't going to answer the question.
"Just a month?"
Her heart broke a little at the anguish in his voice and she wondered what, exactly, had been done to him. "You're going home now," she reiterated.
"Right," he said, sounding less than enthusiastic. But he turned and followed Teal'c and Daniel out of the bedroom.
Sam watched his bare back as he walked down the long hall, her feet frozen to the floor in the bedroom. "We'll get him home. He'll be fine," her father tried to reassure her.
From the hollow look in the colonel's usually expressive eyes, Sam was afraid that wasn't true at all.