CHAPTER 2

Sometimes, the best way to stay close to someone you love is by being just a friend.

I wish falling in love have traffic lights too, so that I would know if I should go, slow down, or just stop. Because I think I've been loving so much a lot lately, and not just with random people, but with three of my best friends.

I thought after we graduated high school, I'd graduate from the feelings she gives me too. It took me a year to realize that I'm wrong. I thought I was sure that what I felt for her was purely platonic. And the summer after graduation was enough time to brush these feelings off. But lately, I've been feeling the same feelings again. I look at her, and I see a dream that I can't have. And everytime I use the word 'friend' to describe her, I die a little inside.

It took a year took a year to prove myself I was wrong. I thought the feelings were reversible, but I guess my love for Spencer was only temporarily suspended.

I don't know how it happened; it just did. It was senior year and I just woke up one day and I never looked at her the same. One day I looked at her and I see something more than I did the night before; like a switch has been flicked somewhere. Since then, I've never stopped caring for her.

I thought last year that I'm done with loving her as something more. I thought what I felt before was something that just seemed like love. But some weeks ago the feelings came rushing back, because I remembered why I tried to stop them in the first place.

"Hey Em, are you okay? You don't seem yourself lately." Spencer said with a concerned look.

"I'm just-" I stopped when I felt her hand in my forehead. She was checking my temperature.

"You have a fever, Em. Why didn't you say so?" She said an authoritative tone. "Come on, let's get you to the clinic." She dragged me to the clinic.

I can only smile, one, because she was holding my hand, and two, because she's panicking; I find it cute when she panics, 'cause when she panics it means that she cares.

After my check up, the nurse told me that I just needed some rest, so she advised me to take a nap there.

"But, we have a quiz later. Can I take up that first?" I asked the nurse.

"No. Even if you take the quiz there's a chance that you'll fail because of your condition. I'm sure Mrs. Calvin will give you a special quiz." Spencer butts in.

"You're friend has a point. I'm sure she'll be able to explain it to your professor." The nurse agreed to Spence.

Spencer smiled in victory. "Now," she placed her hands on my shoulders then walked me towards the bed. "Why don't you sleep here and take a rest."

I lied in the clinic bed. "Why are you still here anyways, we have a quiz, don't we? The Spencer Hastings I knew would've buried her face in her notes right this moment." I teased, but I meant it too.

She sat in the bed. "Well, maybe you don't know me well." She stated.

I just raised my brow. That can't be true. I know her well. "Yeah right. After God and your family, your studies is your top priority, tell me I'm wrong." I said surely.

"There are things that are more important to me than studying, you know?" she smiled. "Besides my religion and my family."

And I can't help but smile too. She just practically told me that I'm more important than her studies. I didn't know

"Will you stop staring at the curtains now?" Spencer demanded. I didn't realize that I was drowned by my thoughts again. When I looked at her she kept talking. "I almost got jealous of the curtains."

I know that even though Spencer is a really smart person mostly she talks about things that are far from related to the topic, but that statement really confused me.

"Why are you looking to them for an escape when I'm right here beside you?" she questioned seriously.

My eyes widened. I didn't know what to say to that. Of course I can't tell her that I'm thinking about her, like, all the time. "I was just thinking about the quiz. I really reviewed for it, you know?" I lied.

"Aw. Sorry, Em. But you're smart, I'm sure you're going to pass any test." She encouraged me. I'm not so sure if I should be thankful that she didn't notice that I'm lying, because if it were Aria, she would've easily known that I'm not telling the truth.

"Look, Emily. Take a good rest. I don't want you to be absent tomorrow. No one will defend me from Sam and Santana's teasing." She said while smiling. It's her saying 'I'll miss you if you'd be absent tomorrow, so don't be. Okay?'

"Okay. But, Spence, aren't you used to those two by now?" I whined.

"I just like it better when you defend me." She said with a beaming smile. What the heck? Does she really have to say these things; it's making my heart pound twice as fast.

I was scared. Because I cared too much. I cared so much that I don't know if I can tell her without it seeming to be worthless compared to how I feel. It really scared the hell out of me. I tried to stop loving her, because even though I knew that I love her, I can't make her love me back.

But the thing is, I'm still stuck here, being in love with my best friend more and more each day. And I'm still scared.

Spencer wasn't my first love though.

My first love is Aria.

I could not tell if I loved her the first moment I saw her, or if it was the second or third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at her walking towards me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with her.

Unknowingly, she thought me how to love, and move on from love. She was my first love and my first heartbreak. I've never told her that I love her; I was a coward. I'm afraid of what people would say, but the thing is, I'm more afraid of what I'd think of myself. I grew up thinking that being homosexuality is wrong. That's why, every time I give advice to Santana, I feel like I'm stabbing my own heart, because those advices should've been my advice to myself.

My entire high school, I've been in love with her, and I haven't told a single person yet because I'm still unsure. Or maybe it's because I don't want to admit just yet, that I'm attracted to girls too. I don't want to admit just yet that my first love was a girl.

But it's all in the past now. I've moved on, or at least that's what I tried to do, not because I fell in love with Spencer but just because I have to. I'm not planning on figuring out how to stop loving her, I'm just trying to learn how to live without her, 'cause I think that's much more possible.

It hurts to let go. Sometimes it seems the harder I try to hold on to something or someone the more it wants to get away. I feel like some kind of criminal for having felt,or for having wanted to be wanted. And it confuse me, because I think that these feelings were wrong and it makes me feel so small because it's so hard to keep it inside. And it scares me when I finally let it out and it doesn't come back. I feel like I'm left so alone that I can't even explain.

"Do you think first love never dies?" I asked her in a serious tone.

She looked at me before she answered. "No. I don't think so."

I waited for a further explanation but there was none. "That's it? You just don't think so?"

"Yeah. Why?" she asked me nonchalantly. I sighed in relief; I thought she's going to ask me if I ever had a first love.

"Nothing." I said, avoiding leading our conversation to a complicated one. But then, my curiosity gets to me sometimes. "Have you ever been in love?"

She looked at me again, and then smiled. She hesitated at first but then she continued. "Yeah, with a girl actually." I froze. There was a part of me that had hope, but I didn't want to get my expectations that high.

She noticed that I'm in deep thoughts. "You think I'm serious?" My head turned to her immediately.

"Are you joking?" I inquired.

"No." she simply answered. She was smiling but I know that she's serious.

"Is she someone I know?" I tried to get something from her, but knowing Aria, she knows how to answer just.

"Yeah. Sure." My head was spinning at that time. Is it me? If it were me, what am I supposed to do? Do I tell her now? I'm still not sure yet, but this is my chance isn't it. So many questions, so little time. But in the end, I decided not to take the risks. I can't fight for her anyways. I don't want to admit to myself that I really am in love with her, how much more with other people?

"It's getting late." I knew right there and then, I've made my choice; if the only way I could be around her is to be her best friend, then I'd settle for that.

It was a choice I made a year ago, before we graduate from high school. I felt that it was okay since we'd still be classmates because we have the same course; we still get to be together all the time. But this year, she actually left. She shifted course. Of course I still didn't tell her how I feel; I'm still me; the same Emily I was a year before; a wimp; a sacredly cat.

Maybe the reason why I want to help Santana so bad to confess to Quinn how she really feels is because I know how much it hurts to love someone so much, and not be able to tell them.

I can't help her get her happy ending, but at least I can help her have a peace of mind and heart. I love Santana, and I don't want her to feel the constant pain I'm dealing with. I just can't stand that. I don't want her regretting the chances of telling Quinn how she really felt about her. And having her 'what ifs' haunt her.

I admire Santana, and she doesn't even know it. She took the risk; one thing that I wasn't able to do.

"Are you really leaving us too?" Santana asked Aria while we were eating in 7/11.

"Yeah. My dad finally agreed to let me take journalism." She said enthusiastically.

"Why can't you just continue engineering? I mean, one year is a big deal." Sam said.

"It is, and so are the years to come." Aria said. She has a point there. It's been her dream to become a reporter someday. And we personally think that she's going to be good at it. Before the gossips explode, Aria and I are done talking about it already. We're great at observing things.

"So we can't really stop you from shifting, huh?" Santana said sadly. Quinn's departure is depressing enough. "But what about us? What about Emily? You guys are partners in crime, who's going to be her partner now?"

"Yeah, she's going to be a loner. Right, Em?" Sam supported Santana.

"No, actually. Aren't you guys going to be there for me?" I frowned. It was my defense mechanism. I don't want to let Aria see how devastated I am.

"Way to go, Em." Santana said sarcastically.

"What? It's not like Aria is a big of a deal." I said harshly. Well, it wasn't really that harsh. They know I was just kidding.

"You're such a meanie" Aria said, slapping my arm.

"Ouch." I rubbed my arm. "What? I'm just saying." I laughed.

"You're so dramatic with Quinn's departure, but when it comes to me, you talk so casual." I heard her murmur.

"So you're jealous?" I raised an eyebrow and anticipated her response.

"NO!" she pouts and crossed her arms.

"Good. It won't matter to us anyways." I smiled at her with a smug look on my face.

"Have I ever told you that I hate you?" she tried to look fierce and mad, but she just looked like a pouting angel to me.

"Have I ever told you that I have fishes as my pets?" I retorted.

Sam, Santana and Aria gave me a confused look.

"What does that have to do with anything?" Sam found it obscure.

"Oh, sorry. I thought we were talking about the things that doesn't matter." I smirked.

Sam and Santana laughed as usual.

"You're such a cruel person. I hate you!" she slapped my arm again, but this time, harder.

I laughed. "I love you." I wish someday, I could tell her that in a different circumstance. But I guess I could only wish.

"I'm going to miss seeing this view." Sam sighed, looking at us with adoration.

"True." Santana stated. "Me too."

I'm going to miss this too; being with her; teasing her. It was part of our daily routine. Actually, all of us like teasing Aria. Her reactions are so cute. But I like teasing her best; I get to talk to her all the time. And despite that, we were the closest. When we're together, we can laugh at everything. It's like we have our own little world. Just like when Santana is with Quinn. We're a little louder and crazier though.

Then, there's Hanna. Unlike with Aria and Spencer, it wasn't like something just clicked. It wasn't like a switch was just flicked somewhere. It is an on-going process.

Hanna and I don't really talk much before. I mean we talk to each other a lot, but there weren't any real conversation between us. But since Quinn and Aria left, we had more time to talk to each other. We began to have deep conversations, until the next thing I know, I began to care so much.

"Hanna, you know I'd go to the end of the world for you, right?" Rachel delivered flirting with Hanna. It has been our hobby; pretending that were a love triangle. It was Rachel's crazy idea actually; Hanna and I was both crazy to ride on. Currently, I'm Hanna's 'girlfriend'.

"Really? Would you stay there though?" I joked. Rachel glared at me. Hanna laughed. "That is the reason why Hanna chose me over you, Rach. You're so corny." I smirked.

"Oh yeah? Why don't you show me what you've got." Rachel challenged.

"Sure." I walked towards Hanna who was sitting across me. I sat between them. "I've got two words for you, my love"

"What?" Hanna replied. Rachel was anticipating my response.

"I love you." I said sweetly while looking at Hanna seductively. They both laughed.

"But that's three words, Em." She whispered, as if she didn't want Rachel to hear it.

"Isn't it that you and I are one?" I asked feigning confusion.

Hanna just placed her palm on her face while smiling. Rachel smiled too while rolling her eyes.

"You liked that didn't you?" I bragged. "Come on, you liked it, right?" I placed my arm over Hanna's shoulders. These little things aren't new to us; the hand holds, or the kisses on the cheeks. We're used to this; we all are best friends after all.

Actually, it used to be nothing. But now, I feel like I'm taking advantage 'cause it means something to me; all the little things.

"I love all the things that you do, mylove" She said, flirting back. For a second I thought she mean it.

I was about to say something but Sam interrupted us. "Sometimes you really give me chills." he said walking towards the bench across us. Santana and Spencer was behind him.

"Yeah, sometimes it gives me chills too." I said. That would be true if I said that, weeks ago.

Hanna pushed me gently. "Really?" she raised her brow. "Could you leave some space so Rachel could sit beside me? Since I give you chills." She's playing her role consistently.

I laughed. "I was just kidding. Besides, I'm referring about the good chills" Normally I would've let her pretend that she's mad at me. But I'm enjoying 'us' now. I enjoy being able to act like I'm her girlfriend. And when she's being sweet with other people, especially Rachel, I get really jealous.

"You heard her, Em." Rachel chuckled. "Now, if you'll excuse me." She stood up from her spot and signaled me to move. But of course I didn't.

"Make me." I declared. Then Hanna stood up and sat at the other side with Rachel.

Rachel winked at me. I felt annoyed. Not with Rach but with myself. I shouldn't be pissed that Hanna chose to sit with Rachel over me because Rachel didn't even really like her that way. It was just a silly act. All of this is just a silly act. This used to be fun for me, but it isn't anymore.

I know it isn't fair. Whenever I hold her hand, or hug her, or rest my head on her shoulder and vice versa. I feel those feelings that people describe on those sappy romantic movies. And I feel really bad because it's always different when you think something more into something.

"Guys, where do you want to eat lunch?" Spencer asked.

"In our mouths." We all roll our eyes at Sam. That's always his answer when someone asks that.

"Where do you want to eat lunch?" I asked, directed at Hanna.

"Me?" she asked in confusion. Then it hit me. She always eats lunch with Caleb every Friday. I always forget that fact. More like I try not to remember.

"Oh yeah. I almost forgot." I tried to sound indifferent. I hate Fridays.

"She's gonna eat lunch with his 'suitor'" Spencer emphasized the last word. She really didn't have to remind me that.

"He is still my suitor, Spence." Hanna catches on. Rachel and Spencer always whine about how Hanna and Caleb are not supposed to be acting like a couple since they aren't yet. That's the thing I don't get really. Why doesn't Hanna just make them official since they act like couples anyway.

Although, I like the fact that they are not officially together, I just don't get it. I mean, dating and holding hands while walking, and being too close for comfort really removes the essence of not being officially together. So I don't know what the logic in there is.

I was drowned in my thoughts that I didn't even notice that Hanna left already.

"Where do you want to eat?" Rachel asked me, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Anywhere is fine with me." I said nonchalantly. It doesn't matter, Hanna won't be there anyway.

"Can we eat at McDonalds? I'm craving for Chicken fillet." Spencer suggested.

"McDonald's it is." I declared.

"McDonald's again? Seriously, Em?" Santana said with distaste.

I rested my arm on Santana's shoulders, "Come on; oblige to Spencer's suggestion sometimes, San."

"Fine." She said warily.

Spencer smiled at me. I smiled back; I just realized that her happiness is essential to my own. Now I'm confused; still feeling these feelings makes me feel like I'm cheating with Hanna, even though I know that we're not really together and I know that she's freaking dating with Caleb right now.

We were sitting in our usual place. We call it 'The Circle'. Its formation is actually an octagon shaped seat, though. It was a puzzle for me why we call it that.

"Hey guys" Hanna called out as she approached us. And of all the people, she sat beside me.

"Em." She seemed to notice that I didn't tried to acknowledge her presence.

"Hey. How's Mr. Friday?" I pretended that I'm enthusiastic about it.

She raised her eyebrow. "Mr. Friday?" she said smiling. "He's fine." I hate this view; not seeing her smile, but seeing her smile because of someone else.

"You seem happy." I said it more to myself.

"I am, Em." she tilted her head to look at me. "You know what, you seem strange."

"If ever I ask you to have lunch with me next Friday, would you come?" Right after I said that, I wanted to put it back in my mouth. I seem to catch her attention. Luckily, the others don't seem to hear us because they're busy with their own conversations.

She looked at me to see if I am serious. "I would want to." she frowned. "But I already promised my Fridays to Mr. Friday."

"Shame." I looked down smiling. I don't know if it's just my imagination, but I saw a glimpse of disappointment in her too.

Then I looked at her, "Then I'd be your Ms. Monday, Ms. Tuesday, Ms. Wednesday, Ms. Thursday, Ms. Saturday and Ms. Sunday." I looked at reaction first, before continuing. She was smiling genuinely, which is a good sign, so I continued. "Until one Friday, you'll wish that you are with me instead, and then I'll be your Ms. Everyday." I wrapped my speech with a smile.

I didn't know if she thought that it was part of our act. For me it was very real; it's what I feel. It's what I want to say to her. She looked at me with adoration. That can't be that part of the act. We aren't good actresses.

She pressed her lips together then a smile was formed. I was suddenly nervous. Hanna isn't usually silent. She should be talking right now of whether how sweet or how corny I am.

"Don't tell me that was just a joke, Em. Because that's the sweetest thing I've ever heard." She said it hesitantly; shyly rather. It was rare to see her shy.

Does she think it's a friendly statement? I don't think I still cared. "I'm serious. You're special to me, you know."

"Since when did I become special? When Aria shifted course? When Quinn transferred school? Or when Rachel had this crazy idea of acting like the three of us are in love with each other?" She was looking at me observantly, like she's trying to read my mind.

"No." I mouthed as I was shaking my head. "When we were in the powder room, and you and Rachel are pretending to be together. When you hugged her tightly pretending to make me jealous. When Caleb teased you that he'll draw you that dream house you always wanted in trade for a kiss, and I realized…I minded. I resented the idea actually." I confessed.

I didn't know if she had catch on by now. I don't know what her next reaction would be. All I know is that I can't let her go. Not her. I can't let her go without telling her how much I love her. This time I'm going to choose her; not just our friendship, but her.

I can't really describe the Circle that well. I don't think it's big of a deal though.

But I might post a picture of it on my dash.

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