33. Last Waltz

Steven held his discolored forearm weakly with his opposite hand, rubbing his electric veins.

Suspended high in the air once again, he suddenly found White Diamond's intimidating gaze a relief – anything, even her terrifying face, was a welcome escape from the crushing disappointment that emanated from within the green prison.

White Diamond was talking at him, her words bouncing around inside his brain, so Steven tried to focus, but it was hard. He couldn't escape the haunting image of the Crystal Gems before he was lifted to face her once again.

It was difficult to decide whose expression caused him the most pain, all of their faces twisted with hurt and disappointment and anger and sadness when he sealed their fate, agreeing to kill them with his own hands. How could they not understand? They had to see he was doing the best he could, trying to give them all a final bit of peace that at least they wouldn't have to suffer. Maybe it was a product of ignorance – not having seen what he's seen, been forced to do what he's done, they couldn't understand, not truly. But the moment he looked down from White Diamond and met their gaze, it had completely destroyed him.

His eyes instinctively searched for the deep, concerned browns that usually shined with life in Connie's face – she understood him better than almost anyone, surely her she would calm his shaking hands. But, he never found her patient frown, couldn't see her hurting eyes; she had turned her back to him, her head down and her posture hard. It was difficult to tell through the green curtains, but he was pretty sure like her fists were clenched and shaking.

Then there was Lapis, whose ocean of heartbreak had finally drowned her. She snapped in a way Steven hadn't seen since they came face-to-face with Jasper on his Dad's boat – she let go of her wings, lowered herself to the surface, and faced him with low eyes. There was something in the way she clutched her arms, the way she squeezed so tightly she might poof herself that dragged hooks through Steven's stomach… A specific, targeted pang of guilt made him suck in a sudden breath, like the wind had been knocked out of him – Lapis had come and gone from Earth and Homeworld, and each time she ended up a prisoner; both times she tried to return here, she was detained, and it was his fault. This time, however, she wasn't going to be used for information – she was going to die, and he was going to be the one to kill her.

Amethyst, too, was facing him, and she was one of the only one who met his gaze. In a lot of ways, he wished she hadn't. The deep purples of her eyes, usually crinkled up, half-way through a joke, or the smile that was always just a moment away from a crafty smirk had been totally drained of life. All of her features looked like they were pulled down by Homeworld's gravity, her characteristic nonchalance deteriorating, turning into total detachment. Her face was engraved in disappointment and, even worse, acceptance. Every line of her expression made it clear that she was about to face her end, and she had been prepared to do that on more than a handful of occasions, but never like this. Never here, never by her lil' man, her Tiger, the other best-worst Crystal Gem.

Behind her was Pearl, and he had never seen her look like this before. There was a sadness in her eyes, finally torn away from White Diamond and looking at him, that made him confused and uneasy. When Pearl became sad, usually, he expected her to have tears in her eyes or her shoulders to be slumped. This Pearl was different – hardened, cold, and yet still very, very hurt. She wasn't just seeing him, but studying him, questioning him with her stare – why, Steven? The devastation in her expression, the closest thing he's ever had to a true mother… it was like she was watching a movie of his youth, eyes absorbing the images and wondering how they got here. He was always her baby, sweet and gentle, kind and compassionate, and she had watched those pieces of him grow from infant to adolescent to young man. But she was looking at him now like she had never seen him before, like he was a stranger in a cold world.

And finally, there was Ruby and Sapphire, huddled together off to one-side, neither of them looking at him. The red gem had not a trace of anger in her, which Steven would have expected from her, her boiling rage instead turning into steaming tears, unable to leave a soothing coolness across her cheeks. She had worried so much about Steven for so long, hoping fiercely that she would be able to protect him, that she might one day see him fully in control of his powers. It had been her tender-hearted half of Garnet that had let him fruitlessly try to heal the corrupted gems in the Bubble Room back at the Temple – Sapphire was already full aware that it would never work – but she wanted him to try, to have the chance to stumble so he might catch himself the next time. This… here… was never what she had in mind.

Maybe it was what he needed to see, but the final crack in his resolve festered with the blue gem, Garnet's other half. Unlike the others, Sapphire had fully accepted what was going to happen; once they were lifted from the ground, the heavy-hand of White Diamond lifted from much of her future vision. She had seen it, and it was so likely that there was no reason running from her fate. Steven had been tasked with an impossible responsibility, and there was really nothing he could do.

But, that wasn't as satisfying a reaction as Steven had hoped. Her eye was hidden, not bothering to look at him fully, her hands resting in her lap simply while she waited for her execution. Although he didn't know what she saw, it was clear that she was resigned to whatever beheld the future, not torn between a milieu of confusion or hurt; he was not indecisive, and she could see that, and somehow that made it even worse. He wanted the future to have other options, to not be so cut-and-clear as he promised to end their lives, but the finality in her gaze was penetrating.

Why deny the truth, though? He had spoken the words, White Diamond had made it clear that there would be no turning back, so he had to do this. No matter how much his heart hurt, no matter how badly his hands trembled, no matter how deeply he hated himself, he had to do this. He had to.

"And how would you like to do it?"

White Diamond's alarming stare widened marginally as she posed the question to him, loud enough that he came back to the present, but only barely.

This was really not his forte, discussing the best possible way to murder his family and friends right in front of them, but he didn't seem to have much of a choice if she demanded answers. He's seen Blue Diamond crush and Yellow Diamond vaporize; he smashed a Rose Quartz, cracking her until she shattered; he felt the heavy grip of a weapon in their hands when they crushed the Amethyst with a single blow; he knew the disturbing power trip of crushing a gemstone under their feet; and he had watched White Diamond herself be shattered with a sword.

"I guess… can I just do what you did to… Blue Diamond?" Speaking in his current condition still felt like an imposition, a strange annoyance.

Detaching the gem from the body gently seemed like the most… humane approach? Maybe that was just a foolish notion as he remembered the fear in the Amethyst's eyes as the morning star came down or the painful screams of the ghost of his mother in White Diamond's throne room, but, again, this was really not his forte.

After a reflective pause, she agreed. "That will do, except the girl. She lacks a gem."

Steven had not thought of that, biting his lip. His mind was barely trudging along, and he couldn't stomach any ideas that rose to the surface, so he decided to try a different approach.

"Can I… say good-bye, and then decide?"

To his surprise, White Diamond did not hesitate. "Very well."

She had no fears that he might escape or was scheming – he has already been led too far astray. Even with the proper supervision, a light to guide him, a map to steer the course, he would never be able to stumble back onto the path of the rebel's so-called-justice. He was too far gone.

Almost bemused, she recalled a passing thought she had when he had collapsed at her feet in her throne room.

First, he must learn his place, then, his will must be broken, and then his mind would be hers. Each stage of his reconditioning had been a success, and she gazed at her prize with a strange mixture hauteur and conceit.

"Heliodor," White Diamond called over her shoulder indiscriminately. "Bring me a vile of Rose Quartz lachrymal essence."

She continued to study Steven, eyes returned to their usual oppressive glare. "I cannot risk you shattering by mistake. You shall be healed… enough. Enough for you to complete your assignment, but this poses a learning opportunity – there could be valuable insight to be gained about the condition of your own abilities when your body is under extreme stress."

Steven couldn't help but cringe at her words, the innuendo clear as day.

Well, since you're already cracked, might as well see what that does to your powers. Get ready for the rest of your life, Steven! Day one, kill your family, then experiments on you and your gem while it's cracked. Steven had to suppress the urge to roll his eyes at his own thoughts.

Heliodor had already vanished, so he could only assume that the orange gem was near enough to hear the command and go on her way, but he had no indication of how long it might take. Steven released a tiny sigh of relief that he was going to be healed, even if it wasn't fully – he felt like his heart was compressing in his chest slowly, but the relief was immediately extinguished by guilt.

You're only going to feel better so that you can "complete your assignment." To regain enough strength to murder your family. You deserve to feel the way you do, if not worse.

Once again, White Diamond interrupted his inner turmoil. "While we have a moment, Steven, why don't we discuss who should be first? I, for one, am quite partial to watching my old Pearl be the first to die, but I promised it would be your decision." She tilted her head and examined his puzzled face – yes, just as she thought.

"Ah, I see – you do not know. I am surprised they never told you. This Pearl," she bent down to inspect the inside of the containment cell again, meeting the gaze of the so-named gem threateningly.

"She was originally made to serve me, and serve me she did, until your mother came along."

Steven's eyes went wide at that – peeking over the side of White Diamond's hand to look at Pearl, but he was too far away. His Pearl?

White Diamond was enjoying this sudden revelation, so she continued. "Oh yes, isn't it the image of scandal? Not just any Pearl putting a sword in her hand, but the Pearl of White Diamond. She had created quite a racket during the war…"

Steven knew he should be racking his brain for something to say, or something to do, or to come up with some sort of painless death for Connie, but he was too surprised to do anything but gawk. Was she serious? There's no way, but then, his Pearl's gem placement…

"I'm just surprised she never told you, but then, there's a lot she has done that she's likely not proud of. Serving me, the part she played in the death of my Pink, keeping loyal Homeworld gems captive, like this Lapis Lazuli, and forcing them to serve your mother's cause…" Her voice was musing, contemplative.

Had he any gravity, Steven would have fallen over. What was she saying? Pearl is so kind, so good – his mom had been the one to shatter Pink Diamond, not Pearl, and what happened with Lapis was a misunderstanding, right?

But, then again, no one had ever necessarily said mom acted alone… Just that she was the one to actually do it…

"W-what do you mean, what about, um, Pink, my Diamond?"

But before she could answer, her head snapped up abruptly towards the opening in the cavern.

"That is a tale for another time, I'm afraid. Heliodor has returned," White Diamond turned her head back to him, softening her expression by degrees. "Don't worry, Steven. We'll have plenty of time to catch you up with the truth of your… Crystal Gems." The familiar lethality in her voice returned in full as the orange gem appeared at the ground beneath them.

"My Diamond." She bowed her head and offered a tiny vile. Instead of accepting the offer, however, White Diamond held her other hand down for Heliodor to climb into.

"Stay very still." In one hand, she held the Rose Quartz child, and the other, the Rose Quartz vile, brought together by the Heliodor that had served her so well.

Steven grit his teeth together as the orange gem approached him, once again as he was totally helpless. In fact, this time was even moreso, given that he could twitch at just the right time and die.

Eyeing her warily, Steven watched as Heliodor lifted his bubble higher, cradling it beneath her arms. To no surprise, her face was stoic, as void as the black space of the universe. Then, using a long leg, she kicked up into the base of the bubble to pop it, her arms breaking his fall.

The mercy of the bubble had been greater than Steven realized, and as soon as he landed in the orange gems arms he nearly lost consciousness. His body immediately broke out into a cold sweat, a sudden and violent illness creeping up through his body as his eyes almost rolled back into his head.

Amethyst hadn't been so miserable when she cracked… but then again, her body is different. Pain is different for gems, I guess.

For a half-gem, however, the pain was insurmountable. Steven's organic body was not prepared to process this degree of suffering, stiffening as his muscles fought between constricting and retracing, resulting in horrible convulsions that tried to ease out the aches that pulsated within him.

Thankfully, however, the intensity of the pain was short-lived as a cool trickle played down his stomach. The healing tears had started to work immediately, although they were far fewer than what Amethyst had been exposed to when her gem was healed. Steven drew in a large, sudden breath as his lungs began to rebuild from their collapse, blinking madly as the world started to refocus and change and his brain finally caught up with him. Instinctively, Steven grabbed protectively towards his navel, the cool sensation of the tears on his stomach still crisp against the cold air.

The fissure in the center had disappeared, stretched back to its original shape, but the two thinner cracks that branched out to the left had not been changed. It did not matter right now, though, the feeling returning to his body was so overwhelming that, for a moment, he felt no pain at all.

Thirty seconds passed like this, Steven heaving for air as Heliodor held him in her arms. Even if she was terrifying and hurt him and dragged him here in the first place, all he could manage were fresh, happy tears of relief. It felt like he had been held underwater for hours, finally brought back to the surface, to return to the world. He was alive.

But, in many ways, Steven wished in vain he did not have to return to this world. The sinewy gem lowered him to the cold hull of White Diamond's palm and swiftly moved away, leaping to a nearby cliff-face, and the focal point of his vision was quickly replaced with White Diamond's features.

Lips pursed, she had raised one eyebrow as he lifted himself meekly onto his elbows, leaning up to meet her gaze. "Welcome back. Now, where were we? Ah, right…"

So quickly that Steven yelped, still not having regained his bearings, White Diamond lowered her hand to the ground once again. He tumbled lightly into the dirt, landing directly in front of the pulsing green cage.

Sitting up automatically, Steven's eyes went wide as he met the faces of the Crystal Gems. Collectively, they actually looked relieved that he was no longer badly hurt, but that just made the knife of guilt twist painfully in his stomach. They had been rightfully angry and hurt before, he had betrayed them, but they still managed to feel compassion for him even after all that's happened? Well, all except Pearl, who had turned away and held her arms across her chest, head bowed shamefully… but he could guess why, after what his Diamond had just said about her past.

Steven's senses caught up with him as deadpanned, looking at the faces behind the veil, and he started to shiver. His breath mixed with the fog once again, but the dance had lost its beauty and grace; now, it was the last waltz, the final twirl before the curtain, but the tempo was changing, too fast, too intense. Steven had to fight to keep himself from hyperventilating.

"So…" His – White Diamond said. She had stepped next to him once again, the pair standing at the front of her captives and his family.

"How should we proceed, Steven?"

It took every one of his nerves not to run to them, to place his hands against the green barrier, to cry and apologize and desperately try to explain how wrong he had been, but he managed to bite his tongue.

Steven opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again, his voice catching in his throat. Who – how?

"Um, maybe, can I…" he thought hard for a moment, his arms crossed to keep in some warmth. It was very, very cold.

"Can I go in the, um, box, my Diamond?" Mentally crossing his fingers, Steven hoped this would be an agreeable next step. She had been amicable to the idea of saying goodbye first, and this way, by willingly going into the box, he was demonstrating that he would not try to run.

Cupping her chin in one hand, White Diamond nodded her head like she was processing the idea. "That is… acceptable. But remember, there is no going back, and this might make your choice harder yet."

Steven nodded his head fervently, just relieved that she didn't refuse.

In a fluid motion, White Diamond lowered herself and offered her palm to him, a gesture that still made him cringe and for his throat to seize up. Her fingers were pale snakes, long and dangerous, and the crevice in her hand was as cold and white as bone, but… he didn't think she would hurt him, not anymore.

Carefully, he stepped upwards, and as soon as he had securely sat down in the middle, she gently closed her fingers around him. He could feel the hardness of her skin brush against his hair, and he felt a jerk of motion sickness as her hand moved upwards and then swiftly downwards again, lowering him straight into the lutetium chamber, her hand phasing through the material effortlessly.

The next thing Steven knew, he was rubbing his hands against his eyes to readjust to the sudden change. He was leaning on his side against a slightly warmer floor, and there were six stunned faces looking down at him, all frozen as they all stared between him and each other.

No one spoke at first, all still overcome with disbelief that they were finally, finally together again. It was Sapphire who first broke the silence.

"Wait… He won't be able to breathe. Give him some space."

And she was right. Steven's chest had seized up and he grabbed at his lungs erroneously, feeling the tearing in his throat amplified by the damage to his gemstone. Instinctively, he had started to back away, the pressure too much as they appraised him.

"Wh-what I, um – I just… this is…" But they were overwhelming him, he couldn't think, he felt like he was about to pass out and he shook his head to try to regain his senses. This was not the time to go unconscious.

Lightly, Sapphire walked forward, only slightly less intimidating than the others – at least she was not nearly as intense.

"Steven… I think it would be best if we do this one at a time, and maybe…" she turned around, scanning the others, eye resting on the human girl.

"Maybe, if it's okay with you, Connie could go first."

Steven support himself weakly with one hand, his chest falling forcefully as he and Connie faced each other for the first time in… how long? He had no idea. She was heartbreakingly beautiful, and he regretted every chance he missed telling her when they were on Earth. There was something different, too – her eyes were a little less caring, her hair had been cut short, and she sported some nasty looking cuts along her right cheek, but they had scabbed over and she didn't seem to mind. The important thing was she was alive, the sight of her making his heart swell with feeling.

The human girl looked down at him and gently kneeled, lowering Rose's sword to her right and smiling very, very softly so as not to startle him. Steven just watched her, eyes wide, unsure of what to do. She crawled lightly on her hands and knees, trying to suppress her own pain as her gaze lingered on his arms… they were both torn and damaged in very different but very real ways. It had only been a little over two-weeks, and yet, it feels like the universe had divided them for a millennia.

Once she was only a few inches away, Connie extended a hand, both of them still silent. She wanted to make sure this is what Steven wanted, the hurt and confusion all too evident across his face. He looked at it and one of his eyes twitched uncomfortably, so she gently lowered it to rest on one of his knees. He tensed, but did not move to pull away, so Connie gingerly moved her free hand to his other knee and came another inch closer so that their legs were just barely touching.

They sat like this for several minutes, just searching each other's eyes for words that were beyond them. What could he say? I love you? I can't believe I let this happen? You deserve better? I'm sorry? I'm so, so, so sorry?

Incidentally, she was asking herself the same series of questions: How did I let you get so hurt? You deserve someone better, someone stronger who could have protected you. I love you, and I'm so sorry…

Steven was vaguely aware that White Diamond was watching them, which only added to the pressure to do something, to say something, so eventually he let out a weak mumble.

"…H-hi, Connie." He bit his lip, nervous, but she smiled and squeezed her hands very lightly against his knees.

"Hey, Steven."

"I, um, I l-like your hair. It looks…" then he placed a hand against his cheek as it flushed red, embarrassed.

Seriously, Steven? You have to say good-bye, and then literally kill her, and that's the best you can come up with?

He spoke softly, covering one of his eyes with his hand in embarrassment. "Sorry. I don't… really know how this works."

Maybe it was how tightly her nerves had been wound, maybe it was the butterflies in her stomach when he blushed, or maybe it was just too crazy of a situation, but Connie laughed so suddenly that he flinched away, squeezing his eyes shut in shame. The girl quickly realized her mistake so she stopped abruptly and scooted forward, not allowing him to hide from her again.

"I-I'm sorry Steven, heh, it's just – I don't know how this works, either. I don't think anyone knows how this works." She beamed at him, and her heart fluttered lightly when he smiled back. It was the first time he smiled like that since Pearl's dream, and those circumstances were very different. This felt like just another day at the Beach House, playing a video game or talking about a book or making snacks. They were here, together, and it was all they could have asked for.

Steven's smile flickered, though, his eyes focusing on the many faces beyond Connie's own.

His words started to pour out in a rush. "I… Connie, I'm so sorry. I never wanted you, or any of you," he re-positioned himself a bit so the others could see him, hopefully hear the truth in his voice.

"I never wanted you to come. This, everything, it's so messed up. I've done… bad things, Connie. Really, really bad things." He couldn't help himself, taking her hands and looking between her at the others, heart pumping furiously.

"I've hurt so many people, I never wanted to hurt you. You never had to be a part of this, it was my fault from the beginning, and I could have stopped it. Gar- I mean, Ruby and Sapphire, you were both right." He released Connie's hands and stood up, trying to hide his discolored arm as he faced them. Everything he's kept within started to explode in a tidal wave of emotion.

"I never should have looked into the stupid palanquin, or gone to Korea, or yelled at you. It, I was so stubborn, and then the zoo and Dad and the Famethyst and…" he was about to say Holly Blue Agate, but the name caused him to almost choke. He covered his mouth with a hand, his eyes flickering involuntarily over Amethyst who was crossing her arms and looking down, trying to fight back her own tears.

"Amethyst…" Steven whispered, dropping to his hands and knees, head hung low.

A million thoughts bubbled to his mind, trying so hard to find the words, to manifest an apology great enough to wash away everything he's done.

"I… never wanted you all to have to deal with my mistakes. I wanted the truth, and I finally got it. But, it wasn't worth this… It was my fault, I'm what brought you here. I…" he looked at his hands, eyes hard and voice almost inaudible. "I s-shattered gems. Three of them… and I hurt so many more, all of the trials…" He raised his head, but his gaze was far away, looking past them all, back to that horrible white room, but he couldn't waste any more time.

"Then I hurt you, Lapis, and you Pearl… I don't expect you to forgive me, and even if you did I wouldn't deserve it. Just… I didn't – I don't have any choice, I have to…" weakly, Steven glanced to his side and saw his mom's sword that Connie had left behind. He crawled towards it and looked at his reflection in the blade – he looked like a ghost of himself, pale and thin and haunting.

There was a tense silence as Steven stared at himself, his tears finally betraying him. He had gone on as long as he could, but now that he started he couldn't stop. There was so much pain, so much regret, so much fear and anger and shame bottled up and he had finally lost his nerve, and everything blurred together like a vindictive tempest, threatening to wipe him away with his feelings.

"I… should be the one to die. Not you…"

Squeezing his eyes shut, Steven seriously thought about taking the sword and using it against himself, but White Diamond would stop him, and it couldn't shatter him anyways. It was just another painful reminder of his mother and her legacy, and he was following right in her footsteps. Betrayl, shattering, abandoning the ones who mattered most…

Steven wanted to look up at them, to continue to apologize, to try to iterate how badly this hurt him, but all he could do was continue to clench his eyes and let the waves of guilt crash over him – he didn't even mind the numbing pain that exuded from his cracked gemstone anymore. Involuntarily, the thought triggered the devious words of White Diamond in his brain.

Sometimes, emotional pain is just as effective as physical pain. Did she want this?

Had he not been so consumed in grief, Steven might have noticed the tears being pulled from his cheeks by invisible hands, or the flash of a fusion in front of him, or a hand moving the sword away from him. Then there were arms, mostly cold but a few warm, lifting him off the ground, propping him up, and then there was the smell of strawberries and salt that swam through his brain, and when he finally opened his eyes he was surrounded by all of them. Pearl and Lapis and Garnet and Amethyst and Connie were all holding him gently, trying to weather the storm with him, letting him calm down and come to an understanding in his own way. They were silent for a moment as Steven just sat there, not bothering to try to hide his arm, nearly collapsing from exhaustion as they squeezed him lovingly.

For just a brief moment, it felt like home.

Finally, Pearl pulled back, and the others started to withdraw along with her. Steven tried to meet her eyes but his shame was still too raw to bear to look at her. She placed a gentle hand on his cheek, though, and pulled his face up to look at her. He was amazed, so struck that he almost cried, to find that she was smiling. Her eyes were sad and hair was tousled, but somehow, she still looked happy beneath it all.

"Steven… we love you. Of course we don't blame you for this, for any of this. You've done so well, fought so hard… We – I…" she sniffled meekly and hugged him again, and after a pause she was interrupted by Garnet who lifted him fully into the air from beneath from beneath his arms. Holding him out in front of her, Steven looked at all three of her eyes (her visor having been removed at some point) and was fondly reminded of the lighthearted way they would play when he was smaller. His arms dangled childlishly over her hold on him, and her eyes moved involuntarily to his shaking fists.

Tiny hands… my only weakness.

Resisting the urge to cry herself, Garnet smiled lightly at her little boy. "What Pearl is trying to say, we all wish it didn't have to be this way. We should have been able to protect you, so things never got to be like this. We were the ones to fail you, Steven. You never should have had to face this alone." Steven blinked at her several times, her words not fully processing. They weren't… mad at him? Disappointed?

Before he could respond, she gently set him down on his feet again, and he found himself face-to-face with Amethyst. They were staring at each other uncomfortably, not sure how to broach all of the unspoken reality between them, until finally Amethyst sighed dramatically and rolled her eyes.

"Just, get over here." She hugged him fiercely, holding him in a way that spoke more than words could. It's okay. You don't have to be sorry. You never did anything wrong. We missed you. I missed you.

Tears started to line his lids again and he gratefully returned the hug, saying nothing, but gasped suddenly when the wetness around his eyes floated away. Blinking at the odd sensation, Lapis was smiling a small, sad smile just behind Amethyst, so the purple gem released him and let them have their moment.

She knelt down and placed a hands on each of Steven's shoulders, holding him at arm's length. He needed to hear this from her.

Softly, she looked straight into his eyes. "Steven… I, we all know about… Opalite." He winced in her grasp, automatically trying to cringe away, but she held him firm. The blue gem had expected him to resist, but she needed to give him this peace.

"Steven, stop. Listen to me. I can't image what that was like, but you don't have to carry it with you anymore. You're more than they were – just like, I'm… more than I was with Jasper. You were the one to teach me that, that I could be more than Malachite." The others had all become tense, a heavy cloud settling over them. This was one of the conversations they had all dreaded the most, too private and too painful, but Lapis had no choice but to talk in front of the others. This would be the last time she would have this chance.

Steven opened his mouth to speak, but Lapis shook her head.

"No, listen, Steven. What you did… how you must have felt… It's horrible. There aren't words… but that doesn't mean it's your fault. It feels like it's still you in your mind, but at the same time, it doesn't. Right?" Mutely, Steven nodded. Even if their situations had been different, there was something about the look in her eyes that told him that she really did understand. She had been the Holly Blue Agate, and he had been the Jasper, but still…

Steven spoke this time before he could stop her, his voice cracking through the painful memory. "F-fusion, like that… it… it…"

She finished for him. "Changes you."

Hanging his head, Steven couldn't help but feel his stomach lurch, guilt swelling inside of him again. He shouldn't feel relieved, but he did – he was supposed to be apologizing, telling them how much he didn't mean to hurt them, and they were the ones comforting him.

The blue gem pulled Steven into an understanding embrace, letting him melt into her arms. He didn't know how much he needed this until she had said the words out loud, and he wouldn't trade this moment for anything.

But, despite himself, Steven started to laugh as he felt a tickle on his toes. Lapis pulled back and looked confused, and they both glanced down at his feet to see the robonoid that had become captive with the others pushing up against him. Connie had been standing behind them, so she lightly kicked it away, rolling her eyes.

"That thing was unlucky enough to get stuck with us. It's kind of nice company, though," her voice was as light as a cloud, her presence at his shoulder making his lungs suddenly work a little harder. He realized the smell of strawberries from earlier had been her, something he failed to appreciate when they were on Earth.

Wordlessly, Steven untangled himself from Lapis and faced Connie properly this time. Very carefully, he grazed his thumb across the cuts on her cheek, and she sucked in a sharp breath.

"Connie…" His heart hurt, but she took his hand in hers and lowered it to the side, smiling again.

"It's fine, Steven. I promise." She looked down shyly at first but her features became tense, so Steven followed her gaze and realized she was looking at the colorful scars that spread up and down his left arm. He sighed and lifted it up between them, not letting go of her other hand.

"I know. It's pretty… bad." He finished lamely. Words like horrific, disturbing, and terrifying came to mind, but he didn't want to ruin this moment.

She lightly placed her hand against the glowing skin and pushed his arm down so neither of them were looking at it anymore, and their eyes met again. Steven felt himself redden; they were standing very close.

"I, um, well…" he started awkwardly, and the heat and radiance coming off of her made him stop. He had to pause and take a steadying breath, starting again.

"Connie, I'm sorry you came all of this way for things to end up like this. But, I… I want you to know, I should have told you a long time ago, and now I wish we had more time…"

The girl raised her brows curiously as Steven struggled, feigning ignorance. Steven didn't know whether or not she had heard what he said in Pearl's dream.

"Connie Maheswaran." His tone was stiff, only making him feel more awkward. Steven cleared his throat, the back of his neck feeling hot, forgetting about everything and everyone else for just a brief moment.

"S-sorry. This is still a lot. Just, Connie I…"

Deep breath.

"I love you."

She squeezed his fingers, fitting so perfectly between her own, and raised her free hand to her face, pressing the cool skin against the sudden warmth of her cheek bashfully. "Steven, I…"

But she was cut off, a deafening voice compared to their whispers bouncing around the small green space. Steven was grabbed suddenly, and lifted up through the ceiling. It felt like he had been thrown into a cold pool of water after a warm dip in the ocean, his body being thrown into a fit of shivers as he was dropped unceremoniously into White Diamond's palm. Her voice was sharp, her gaze harsh as he started coughing; the wear on his body was starting to catch up, the strain of lack of sleep, lack of food, and the constant exposure of the cold made worse by the sudden change.

"That should be sufficient. What is your decision on the girl?"

He was panting hard, feeling a stabbing in his joints as his gemstone continued to pulse painfully. Still, it was nowhere near as bad as it had been, so he shook his head and tried to look up.

"I…" but his mouth had gone dry – she had been right. All of his will to go through with the plan, to save them from the suffering he had been made to endure had vanished once they were hugging him, forgiving him… It should have made it easier, but it only made it much, much worse.

He peered down between White Diamond's fingers, hoping an answer would somehow drift up to meet him. What could he do? Something painless, think, Steven, think…

His Diamond was frowning at him now, wanting to be over and done with this nonsense, but she was also enjoying herself. He always acted just as expected – his will would falter, and it would only make it all the more painful when he had to actualize his promise.

After the hybrid stared blankly downwards for perhaps a minute, she raised her hand to her face, tilting her head and resting it in her massive palm.

"You best choose soon, Steven, or else I'll have to decide for you."

Cringing at the prospect, Steven flung out the first option he could think of, wanting to throw out anything but whatever White Diamond might suggest.

Without skipping a beat, she reached her long fingers into the lutetium prison once again, pulling the human girl out and dropping her into the dirt.

"Connie! Wait, no, I – " but it was too late. Before he could even breathe, Steven was dropped onto the ground himself, next to Connie as she struggled to pull herself up into a push-up position. White Diamond had finally come to a stop, finished pacing and lecturing, now fully enjoying herself. An ethereal creamy throne had emerged from nothing, and she sat like a malevolent idol before them, watching one and a-half human children struggle at her feet.

Steven struggled to stand, but stand he did, breathing hard but stopping when a tremor run up and down his spine.

The Rose Quartz had cracked a tiny bit further from the jerking movements, and he fell forward uselessly onto his knees again. He was sucking in a hard breath, but forced himself to focus, even if it felt like the neurons in his brain were on fire.

"W-wait, my Diamond! P-please…" he was breathing hard, struggling as his vision swam with tears. "Let me, just… I just want it… to be painless."

White Diamond folded her hands together as she watched him struggle, pleased they were making progress.

"Painless? Well, why didn't you just say so? That's easy."

As easily as if she was summoning a bubble, White Diamond flicked her wrist lightly as the fog started to thicken and swirl, a private cyclone of suffocating miasma swirling violently around the human girl before she even had realize what was happening. The light was totally opaque around her, and Steven tried to get up but winced as a stabbing shot through his midsection.

No, no no, no no no, NO –

As quickly as it had started, the swirling mist had grown still, and Connie laid on the ground, unmoving. Steven clenched his teeth and dragged himself over to her, tilting her head to face upwards.

"C-Connie, no, no, please…" And his heart stopped when he realized she was awake, alive, but only just. Her eyes were drooping heavily as if she was just falling asleep – whatever had happened, the mist had gone inside her and it was streaming lightly from her mouth. Steven was crying in earnest now, shocked and horrified and holding her – she was as cold as the air around them, and his wracking sobs twirled in a playful way with the mist.

"C-Connie, can you hear me?"

Lazily, she blinked her eyes open again. "Steven?" He laughed and nodded.

"Yes, Connie, it's me. It's o-okay, I'm here. Let me try to… um, heal you." Now was not the time to try to be bashful, so he lowered himself to try to kiss her.

And he did, lightly letting his lips linger on hers, hoping it was enough, but she didn't really kiss back. His heart was hammering against his ribs, eyes brimming with tears as he looked down, trying to look into her own; they were barely open, but she was smiling.

"Oh… yeah… me, too. Love you, too."

And then, the last of the white mist trailed from her lips, and Connie closed her eyes.

She was gone.