34. Lost and Found

"C-Connie?" He shook her lightly when she fully closed her eyes. It felt like he was drowning again, like someone was forcing ice cold water down his throat and refusing to let up.

N-no, wait, but… I knew I said I could do this, but, Connie… no…

Again, denial, and he jostled her softly. "…Connie?" His voice didn't sound like him at all, turned into nothing but a choking, gasping whisper.

Inside the green box, several of the gems were covering their mouths with their hands, eyes closed and looking away, but they could still hear him. Pearl had sunk to her knees, crying in earnest, and Garnet barely managed to hold herself together. She had seen them dying, but not like this.

Steven continued to cry, holding her, trying to get her to wake up.

She… can't be gone, right? No, this is another of those white Sapphire's kisses, a sick nightmare, a twist of fate, a cruel illusion. She can't, she can't, she can't be…

But as he tried again to rouse her, her soft hair rolled across his arm as her head lolled unresponsively to one side. She wasn't breathing, and she was so, so cold.

He knew it was foolish, but Steven thought about Dr. and Mr. Maheswaran – what would he tell them? Of course, a cynical part of his brain chided him for bothering to think about it.

You'll never go back to Earth, never see them again, never get to explain, or apologize, or die of your own guilt. You're stuck here. This – this is your life now.

White Diamond interrupted Steven's soul-shattering crying, her voice as cold as the girl's body in his arms. "It's done, Steven, per your request. Now, how would you like to proceed with the others? All at once, or one by one?"

Steven did not answer her at first, just breathing hard and looking down into Connie's pretty, empty face. She looked so peaceful like this – at least it really did seem painless. His lips were still tingling from the kiss, a kiss he had envisioned and dreamed about dozens of times, but now it made him feel sick. His healing powers were too weak, like White Diamond said, and now Connie was dead.

"I don't think… I can do this." He didn't turn to face her and did not have the strength to bother with formalities or etiquette, even if he knew he should have. Steven wanted to be punished, to make White Diamond so mad that she might kill him – he deserved it.

Standing up, the supremacy of her presence emanated dangerously over him, over those within her lutetium prison, and over the shards and bodies of those who had died around them. She was displeased but unsurprised by the boy's weakness.

"Don't be like Blue, Steven – ruled by your emotions. With time, you will learn to overcome such petty sentimentality. You waste your tears on one life, yet, you said you wanted this, didn't you?"

Steven cringed as her voice came closer, her footfalls telling him she was only a few feet away. Was that really true? Looking into Connie's mute features, each line drawn peacefully into rest, he could do nothing but use his thumb to rub the cuts on her cheek once again. How could it be that only moments ago she was smiling, giggling, inhaling painfully at the very same sensation?

He knew he wanted to keep them all from suffering, that was true, but… this, this was a different sort of torture, an unspeakable kind of loss.

Out of habit, Steven realized he had interwoven his fingers with Connie's, but there was no return in pressure, no comfortable warmth, nothing. And yet, he could still hear her voice in his mind.

It's okay to think about it. There's nothing else you could've done – you have to be honest about how bad it feels… so you can move on.

Lapis could hear them speaking on the other side of the wall, but the words did not make sense.

Steven… Connie, they… she couldn't even formulate the words, covering her mouth, eyes filled with tears as she thought selfishly about Peridot. It hadn't felt real until she had seen it unravel before her, but the crushing loss of both the human girl she had grown attached to, and, more personally, the loss of Peridot had finally caught up with her. She had been able to push the thoughts away, to the side, hoping the little green gem would be okay and resurface in all of this chaos. But this was the sort of conditions from the war she had seen – senseless killing, death, hopelessness. Why had she been so foolish as to believe Peridot would be alive? Why had she let herself get dragged back into this again?

Unbeknownst to her, she had started to rock back and forth, muttering to herself.

"No… but this… no… Peridot… Connie…" It was private, and the others were too consumed with their own grief to pay her any mind.

Garnet was ensorcelled by her inner Ruby, too furious to be sad right now. Gritting her teeth together, she was turned away from Steven, Connie, and White Diamond as she clenched her shaking fist. There were so many things wrong with this, she didn't even know where to begin. They were children, not gems, not fighters, not warriors – and yet, Homeworld had dragged them both here, one to die and the other to live a life worse than death. Naturally, her hands had started to twitch as she thought about her failures as a guardian and a leader, as a friend and a companion, as a Crystal Gem.

The heedful part of her mind wandered abstractly as she squeezed her hands harder – why does life exist only for it to end? Had she really been foolish enough to think she might live forever? Maybe it was the helplessness of love, Ruby and Sapphire intertwined in a sort of nebulous bliss that wasn't comprehensible in the mortal world, but she was not immortal. Once they are torn apart, once one of them is struck down (Garnet clutched for where her heart might be, thinking of Stevonnie), her existence would cease to be. A life as long as theirs – as long as her – must someday come to an end, and for the happiness of her two-halves to have value, there must be darkness alongside the light. And someday, it was inevitable, the darkness would catch up to them, the only thing that could eclipse a love as bright as her.

On her knees, Pearl cried bitter tears. She could only wish now that she was overcome with the numbness from before, because this pain was very real, very present, and it ran very deep. Connie, her student, her friend, so much like her… They were so alike, in fact, she could not help but draw parallels between the girl and Steven, and Rose and herself – but this time, everything was backwards. It was the life that would have been, had she died during the war, and she could not have wanted Rose to feel the pain that she saw in Steven's face, heard in his voice. He – she – they were all too interwoven, close and the same, but different and far away. Now, Steven had lost his Rose, and Pearl could feel her brain swirl like a bottomless void. In a way, she had never understood the two of them more, but she felt like a stranger in her own skin, so how could that be?

Amethyst was restless, anxious, angry, and desperate – she was so much, and yet, she felt like nothing. Everything made sense when she had a whip in her hand, when she could take on her enemies head on, or even rely on the others to help her confront her inner-demons. But she was as trapped in her mind as they all were in this green prison, her emotions incomprehensible as the world moved beyond the green veil. In a way, it felt like they had been the ones to die, specters haunting Steven and Connie and White Diamond just beyond, nothing moving or changing within, while everything changed and was thrown into ruin across the void. How do you transverse the rivers of hell, return from the world of the living to the dead, when everything felt like nothing? How do you put into words the kind of defeat, the kind of emptiness, the kind of bitterness that made her eyes water and her hands shake?

You don't – you can't. There's no explanation bad or wrong enough. There's no happy ending that ties up the story, no moral lesson, because that's not life. Life is hard, and life is ruthless, and now, your life is about to end.

And though it felt like a year had passed in the air between them, only a minute had as they all sank deeper into defeat.

There was a clang that made them all jump, however, loud and ringing as they looked around with dead eyes. Lapis saw it first, and let out a frustrated scream as the robonoid crawled along the walls and fell from the ceiling, too stupid to realize its own weight would make it fall once it reached the top.

"Just stop!" She leapt and grabbed it easily as it tried to reach the ceiling again. Putting pressure between her blue fingers, Lapis began to crush the stupid, hapless robot between her hands. It felt good to destroy something – it was the reason she had come here, not to watch Steven be destroyed.

Steven knew he should release Connie, set her down and face the truth, but it hurt too much to let her go. Shivering, Steven tucked a lock of her short hair behind her ear as if she was just asleep, like the tickle on her face might wake her. But nothing would wake her… nothing.

White Diamond had moved around to the other side, standing between the lutetium cage and the boy, prepared to move ahead even if she had to drag him along when there was a sudden sound. It was nearby, with them in the Kindergarten, and it came from behind the palanquin. Eyes narrowed into slits, White waved her hand and sent the yellow garrison crashing into a wall, wanting to isolate the source and destroy it; likely an unaccounted for gem that had followed Blue and Yellow into the Kindergarten.

And she had been correct. She would have expected one of their Pearls, but to her surprise, it was an Agate. A familiar Agate, at that.

Steven had jumped in response to the sudden crash, but he still refused to turn around. It wasn't until he heard the voice that his heart cracked, and his head jerked upright in horror.

"W-White Diamond, your Grand Omnipotence, how unexpected to see you here! I was just trying to aid m-my Diamond in a request, when I seemed to have taken some damage. I retreated to my gemstone, but I h-have returned!" Holly Blue Agate stood tall, trying to sound confident and proud, ready to return to her assignment, but the fear and confusion in her voice clear as day. White Diamond stood alone, both the Diamonds she arrived with gone, the hybrid child and the infuriating human girl at her feet, and the intruders were trapped in a lutetium prism.

Automatically, Steven threw up his pink bubble, too unnerved right now to do much else. With Connie in his arms, his only instinct was to defend, even if he couldn't protect her anymore.

Her expression sharp and her voice dripping with malice, White Diamond appraised the trembling subject. She let her gaze flicker between the sudden Rose Quartz bubble at her feet and the unexpected company.

"You… you are the Agate who fused with Steven, are you not?" White Diamond already knew the answer, but measuring reactions can be as useful a tool as raw information.

Holly Blue bowed low, her voice even more nervous than before. "Y-Yes, that is correct! Under strict orders of Y-Yellow Diamond, of course. And y-you had summoned me to y-your, throne room…once…" her voice trailed off when she glanced up, White Diamond's expression not inviting added explanation.

"A simple 'Yes' or 'No' will suffice, Agate. Come closer." White beckoned her with spindly fingers, curling them towards her threateningly. Holly Blue dare not defy her, so she hurriedly marched towards the group.

Steven's whole body had started to shake, between the cold and the voices playing in his head.

How could this be happening – now, her, here? The last thing he could stand to think about right was the way Holly Blue Agate whispered ours when he was in White Diamond's throne room, or the weight of her arm slung across his shoulder. But the voices came, Holly Blue Agate and Connie and Opalite and White Diamond and everyone, all wrapped around his brain, the tremors growing worse as he spiraled.

Steven breathing had become labored, and he realized he was probably very close to passing out, but he didn't bother to calm himself. Right now, really, that would be a welcome change.

Once Holly Blue had come just a few feet from the human children, White Diamond lowered herself almost all the way to the ground, so her face was only a foot away from the pink bubble that sealed them in.

"You should realize by now," White Diamond said. "I am not needlessly cruel. You may think so, but that is untrue. I simply have tasks I must complete, and I have ways of getting what I want. Everything I do is for the good of my people, even if you fail to see that."

Steven looked up at her, her eyes especially treacherous beyond the shining orb that separated them. Before he could try to think of a response, she continued.

"And I always get what I want, Steven, even if it is by any means necessary…" She raised an eyebrow, daring him to challenge her.

Oh.

With some difficulty, Steven managed to find his voice, weak though it was. "I… you… " But he couldn't continue, and he didn't need to. The threat was already there, verifying it verbally wouldn't make it less real.

Kill them and let us move on, or I'll make you. And with Holly Blue so conveniently close…

All he could do was release a few more heavy tears, but he lowered his head and spoke again.

"Okay. Okay – just – all at once, please. Just let them all out and I'll d-do it, just, please…"

White Diamond raised herself back to her full height, smiling malevolently. "Very good, Steven. I knew you had it in you. I think you'll do just fine on Homeworld after all."

Had Pearl not been in the cage with the others to see it happen, she would never have believed it. What sort of twisted, messed up universe was this? That something like this could happen, but only too late?

Was it too late? Did she dare let a tiny seed of hope take form in her heart?

For the first time ever, the Crystal Gems were unanimously glad to see Holly Blue Agate, because she was just the distraction they needed when Lapis had crushed the robonoid out of frustration. They knew they had been reunited when they were first trapped here by Heliodor, but none of them had suspected the passing thought to be so literal.

Lapis had fallen over backwards, hitting her head into the green wall as a light glow of the same color emitted from the pile of goop on the ground. There was a soft glow that filled the small space, so sudden in the darkness that many of them shielded their eyes. Then, as quickly as it started, it was over – there was a light tap against the ground, and they all lowered their hands in search of the source.

Small and green as the box they were trapped in stood Peridot, arms crossed proudly.

"I, but – wah? You? I, but – "Amethyst was the first to speak, but her words were as jumbled and confused as the others.

Lapis looked like she had seen a ghost, which, she sort of had.

"P-P… Peridot? Is that really you?" But it was a useless question – it was obviously their Peridot.

Without limb enhancers, she was only about as tall as Amethyst, but her hair still made up for a few inches. Pointed less rigidly, her blonde tresses no longer formed a perfect triangle. Instead, her hair extended into three longer tips in the same directions, but with new additions – two shorter tails of hair down just below her neck. It was like her whole head was framed by a pale, soft star that made her look less… unnatural? A star was still pretty unnatural, but it was a marked improvement from her triangle by all accounts.

Then there was her green skin, still modified by a military-grade uniform – black crossing stripes around the collar, but a bright yellow star was plastered across almost her entire midsection. A wide black strip lined the top of her leggings, the color extending all the way to her knees which were accessorized with matching yellow stars. Her small feet had more of a boot-like appearance now, rather than her exposed toes, and were half yellow and half black.

If there was still doubt lingering in the tense silence as they all stared at her, she furrowed her brow in exasperation and spoke. "What? Now's not the time to look at me like a bunch'a clods. We've got a Steven to save!"

Pearl and Amethyst moved their gaze from Peridot to Lapis, eyes wide and mouths hanging open in shock. They had, for just a moment, all but forgotten about the madness outside. Lapis was still leaning up, her back against one wall, her face the manifestation of disbelief.

The blue gem couldn't decide if she was relieved or furious. She opted for both.

"You… you were in there… the WHOLETIME?!" Peridot flinched and put her hands up defensively, backing away and running into Garnet by mistake. She was still having trouble adjusting to her being back on just two legs.

"Hey, hey, it's not my fault!" The green gem said as Lapis rose to her feet, shoulders heaving in her rage.

"W-wait! Let me explain! I, uh, had landed in a pile of junk metal, and I reformed around it. Actually, I was lucky, because I was close enough to R&D that I could find some trashed robonoids. But anyways, I, the great and quick-thinking Peridot, was able drag my way towards the defect repository. Then, um, I kept crawling and jumping off things until my gem popped out. It took… several attempts to land in a robonoid…" she placed a hand to her temple, reliving the failed attempts in her memory.

She let out a low breath, looking at the blue gem with a face of understanding."I get what you mean now Lapis, being stuck in a mirror must have been awful! At least I had legs."

Incidentally, that was not the right thing to say, so she hid behind one of Garnet's legs as two blue hands clenched into fists and water wings filled the space dangerously, nearly hitting Pearl and Amethyst.

"Eep! Okay, okay – I'm sorry! Once I was in the robonoid, I could at least move around, but I…" she turned a dark green color, flushing with embarrassment.

"It may not have been my bestplan, because once I was in it… I couldn't get out."

The white and purple gem were still just utterly shocked, unable to form words, and Garnet's mind was somewhere else entirely. The future was changing, with Peridot back there were more options, but that meant more confusion to sort through.

Lapis had stopped her hostile advance for a moment, eyes hard and hands still shaking in fury. She wanted nothing more than to summon a watery fist and smash her green little face in right now, watching as Peridot tried to make eye contact with the others, silently pleading for help.

Peridot knew could see that this was not the explanation that Lapis needed to hear right now, so she tried a different approach.

"I, um, missed…you?" She offered her a small smile, and she reached out a hand carefully behind Garnet's leg.

Staring at her, Lapis was ready to scream and cry and kick her for leaving her alone for so long, but her stupid little smile had been too much. Defeated, Lapis rolled her eyes.

"Ugh… you're the clod, I swear."

Steven softly lowered Connie to the ground, his head hung low as he closed his eyes and looked away. This was it – he had to let go. He had to, just like he had to finish what he started.

The colossal, dominating presence of White Diamond had cupped her cheek in a palm once again, a habit he had started to associate strictly with bad things. Her face would turn thoughtful and lethal at the same time – like she was trying to figure out a riddle, but any possible answer was wicked and more troubling than the riddle itself. It made Steven shutter as he tried to work up his nerve, raising his hands to lower the pink barrier.

He inhaled deeply with his eyes closed, vaguely aware of the weight of the bags that lined his lids from exhaustion. With a heavy exhale, Steven dropped the bubble.

Then, things had started to change very quickly – too quickly for his worn reflexes and torn mind to keep up. First, there was a sickening creaking sound that reverberated around the canyon and caused the ground to shake and rumble. Stumbling forward, Steven yelped as he almost landed on top of Connie, barely able to catch himself in time. Before he could steady himself fully, a sudden force of wind picked up and tossed him backwards through the mist; there had been a massive change in the pressure of the fog as White Diamond whipped around, her cape swirling dangerously at her ankles.

As he landed, Steven felt another tearing pain ravage his body when the partial cracks spread across the surface of his gem. The Rose Quartz was growing weaker as the damage started to double-down once again, the thin tendrils of growing longer and splintering into a dozen tiny threads of shallow cracks.

The pain was different this way, too, although it came on with the same intensity. Steven curled inwards and his body turned hot, his blood boiling as the dull pink face of the gem caused his vision to flicker. Blinking madly at the sudden sensation behind his retina, Steven was relieved to discover he could still see, but everything had turned pink and splotchy.

Breathing felt wrong, too. This was not just strenuous gasping like before, but the action itself felt invasive in a bizarre way. The air entering his body crawled within his lungs like tiny trailing nails against a chalkboard, making his body feel abrasive from the inside-out. Every exhale was also unpleasant, the sulfuric taste along his tongue intensifying as his mouth turned very dry.

Steven tried to pull himself up to see what had happened – had he angered White Diamond? He squinted around, having to close and re-open his eyes deliberately, the veil of pink making his brain process things a little slower. But… where was White Diamond?

He might not be able to see very well, but it was obvious that she was not towering in the middle of the valley anymore – she was very hard to miss, after all. With a shaking hand, Steven rubbed some of the sweat from around his eyes and tried to focus on what was happening.

The vale had come alive with energy, shouts and roars and ferocious tearing and scratching filling the darkness with disturbing echoes, every new sound that entered the din swirling disagreeably in the growing cacophony. White Diamond had spun around at the sudden modulation, her nerves already being tested by the boy's pettiness.

Once she turned around, the image at the end of her vision sent her a series of enraged tremors through her, her fist closing automatically as a shockwave radiated outwards with her as the epicenter. So angered, she did not even notice as the girl, the hybrid, or the Agate were thrown backwards from the sudden burst of energy; her fury too abrupt and intoxicating for her to bother.

Her lutetium chamber had been twisted into molten metal, oscillating like plasma in the air. Nearby a… fusion of the Lapis Lazuli, and what could only be the missing Peridot, fluttered in the air. White barred her teeth and raised a hand, fog creeping up to form disembodied hands, ready to smash the abomination that dared to form before her.

As it so happened, one of Blue Prehnite's favorite things about her was her impressive speed – she had seen this tactic once already and knew it was coming. Flying high and zooming quickly through and around the ghostly fingers, she raised her own hands and the lutetium twisted into a one-sided sarcophagus of dangerous glowing metal, crashing into White Diamond and pinning most of her body against one side of the canyon walls, making the ground quake violently.

"Uhh… whoops. Wait – does this beat me out for calling Yellow Diamond a clod?" She rubbed her chin thoughtfully, her voice sounding a bit more like Peridot at that moment as she watched rocks rain down upon the valley. Four eyes scanning – two blue and two green – she spotted the outline of something in the northwestern corner, so she glided effortlessly down as it came closer. It was…

"Connie!" She was still unmoving, and Prehnite cringed as she took the girl in her aegean arms, feeling the lifelessness of her human body in her supple grasp.

What do we… should we take her?

Yes we should take her! Don't be a clod!

But, where? I didn't, we hadn't…

Um…

Now was the time for acting, not for thinking, so they were resigned to scoop her up into the air and flew towards the farthest cliff-face they could find and enclosed her in a shimmery turquoise bubble, unsure of what else to do. There were more urgent concerns, anyways – she turned her attention back to the cavern below. With neither much metal nor water to work with, Prehnite was forced to be creative, but she did not falter. In fact, she was smirking; she could do this.

This is it – concentrate!

I got it, we got it.

Steven, Connie, Stevonnie… For them. We do it for them.

Alexandrite stretched herself to her full height, still a few degrees shorter than White Diamond, but what she lacked in height she made up for in brutality. Well, if Pearl wouldn't reproach her, Amethyst had a few more colorful words she would have used to describe how they felt, but now was not really the time.

The radiating waves of White Diamond's anger alone was still nearly enough to send them toppling over once she forced off the green entrapment turned against her. Her eyes glowed in the darkness, the air turning to a hot, stinging gas that made their skin prickle uncomfortably.

We're counting on you, Pree…

It was hard for some of her to focus with so much future vision made newly available to her collective mind, but they were resolved to one goal at a time.

"White Diamond!" She screamed from her lower mouth, her snake-like tongue extending dangerously, menacingly.

For her part, the so-named Diamond looked more annoyed than anything.

"How you continue to disappointment me, Pearl." Clenching a fist dangerously, the air around Alexandrite started to constrict and swirl into a giant opaque typhoon, much like the one that had taken Connie. Trying to force her way out with her many arms, Alexandrite grunted in frustration when the atmosphere continued to compress relentlessly, unable to forcefully phase her way through, eventually forcing her arms down to her sides, locked together as if in invisible bonds.

"No!" Her voice roared loudly through the valley, a deadly flame bursting from her lips. It exploded into the gaseous air like a nitrous bomb, sending her and White Diamond both flying backwards as the atmosphere ignited like a fireworks display gone wrong. It was as beautiful as it was dangerous, red flames licking through the fog and triggering a thousand mini explosions all around them. The caves started to shake in earnest at that, specks of dirt and rock falling from above as the earth below began to come apart.

A sickening laugh filled the shaking ruins as White Diamond threw both her arms out to her sides, the air and fog parting like the sea. Her eyes were alive with impassioned fury, marching valley towards the fusion with malcontent, her stride steady and threatening.

Internally, Alexandrite felt a quiver of fear run up the back of her neck, but she needed to dispel the sensation.

Do something, think of something, come on…

With a small gasp, she smirked and summoned four whips, snapping them all towards White Diamond who easily flicked her wrist, limbs materializing and grabbing the erroneous assault without breaking her stride, but that was exactly what Alexandrite had wanted.

Pulling forward with a sudden force, she used the unbreakable grip of the ethereal hands to fling herself to intercept White Diamond's stalking approach, vaulting her body downwards and aiming for the tyrant's legs, using her two free hands to summon Opal's bow.

Although White Diamond was barely harmed by the arrows, they had been enough to cause her to lose her focus as Alexandrite's long legs smashed into her, both of them falling into the crackling floors.

But even with the effective hit, White Diamond was too fast for them. With nothing but a push against a nearby crumbling wall, she lunged forward in a flash and squeezed a large hand around Alexandrite's throat, lifting her clear off the ground with a single hand.

The air was growing hotter still, boiling to match White Diamond's rage, and the fusion felt all of their arms restrained by fiery, ghostly hands that materialized through the scorching miasma.

Thank goodness for Ruby…

"You rebels, always the spontaneous ones. It really is a shame the boy won't be the one to kill you, I would have liked to see that."

She started to crush their throat with her hand, all of the incorporeal bonds matching her pressure along her arms. Weakly, Alexandrite coughed up a flame and felt her body start to come undone, about to unfuse when the force suddenly stopped – they might not need air, but the pain from the grip had been unbearable.

With a hand, she grabbed her head. "We're okay. I'm okay…" Turning instinctively, she realized Prehnite had appeared at her shoulder.

"T-thank you, Pr – " but the look on the small blue face silenced her. It was an expression of terror, eyes wide and filled with fear, squinting through their visor as the Kindergarten started to fall apart around them.

"Wh- what is it?! What's happened?" Alexandrite asked, her mind searching the future desperately.

Prehnite had to fight against the urge to cry, yelling through the crumbling rocks.

"It's Steven – I can't find him anywhere!"