FOURTY-SEVEN

Tomorrow was Halloween and every single commercial won't stop talking about it; "Get your Halloween costume for 29.99$ now!" and it was driving me mad.

And gloomy.

It's been a month now and I haven't seen Marco. I was sick worried for him; that school was filled with mad men and bullies wanting to fuck up everyone's lives, especially innocent kids. Supposedly, one student committed suicide from the roof. Sad, but unsurprising. Every staff member, guards, secretary, etc. was corrupted and the principal was worse. The guy rarely went to the school and when he did, it's always for a brief time. He really didn't gave a shit about the school; all he wants from it is money.

I then wondered how Nathaniel and his boyfriend, Axel, were doing. I also wondered about Diego and Zaeed, his cute little boyfriend. Last time I saw him, he was in a bad shape after Trevor beat him up.

I was plowing through my thoughts when the front door beside me opened, -"Good morning, son."

I stopped washing the dishes to greet Dad, something I still found awkward, considering he spent little time with me. After shaking hands, I cleared my throat, -"Uh… you're early."

He smiled, -"I cleared my calendar for today, so I thought I'd come early,"- I smiled and nodded, returning to the dishes, -"So, how is she?"

-"She's…,"- I stopped, considering my response. Dad knew about her suicidal behavior and what led her to it. I had to tell him. Gladly, that was over and she stopped feeling alone at night. What I haven't told him was her growing realization of her illness and how she was changing, -"Well… she's better, but different."

Anything that wasn't good news troubled him, -"What do you mean 'different'?"

-"I dunno. She's not grumpy anymore. She's more… serious."- I spoke, trying to concentrate on the dishes. I was going to continue when I looked over my shoulder and didn't saw him anymore. He was in the living room, sitting beside Mom.

-"Hey, I'm back."- Dad said, wrapping his arm around Mom.

Yet, Mom pushed him away and had this perturbed face like 'who the fuck are you?', -"Excuse me?"- She said, leaning away from him.

Dad froze and stared at her, -"I-It's me…, your husband."- His voice was shaky, frightened at the unavoidable fact that she doesn't remember him.

-"What?"- She sounded perplexed.

And Dad was freaking out. Her amnesia was lasting more than usual. Usually, it lasted 1 minute or so. In this case though, since Dad spent little time with us, she had more trouble recognizing him. Yet I can't blame him, -"Please…"- He begged.

He must feel awful. My chest tightened.

Then, her eyes grew and she embraced him, -"Oh… you're here."- She said, her voice soft, tightening her clutch on him.

I released a profound breath. That little moment was scary, I had to admit.

As I watched them, I could see a small, thin tear escape her eyes. My body went deep cold. I've never seen Mom this sentimental. She's always been strong willed and resilient against, under her judgement, debilitating emotions. What she was feeling now was something far worse than that…

She knew she was slowly forgetting about, well, aside from day-to-day stuff and her own life, she was mostly terrified of forgetting… us. Being aware of that must be…, -I can't even imagine how she must feel now. That tear told me enough.

An impervious coldness shrouded me as if a corpse was giving me a hug. My eyes and head dropped and I had to sustain myself with my hands on the counter or else my whole body will drop along with them. I had a tight, suffocating knot on my throat and a foul pain on my jaw. A bawl wanted to slip out of my mouth. I swallowed like five times, trying to appease this urge to cry.

No, no, no, no…, I can't cry now, I thought stubbornly, it's not time yet. I breathed in and out several times and, God, it was working. I… I couldn't cry yet. I refuse to.

I turned to the dishes again while working on my mind, telling myself that it wasn't time yet, that it was too early to cry and surprisingly, it worked. I was still gloomy, but that pain in my jaw vanished.

I spent the rest of the day with both my parent and after midday, around 5 o' clock, we had a nice dinner –Dad cooked, a relief for me. We chatted as we ate and every weight I had over me was gone. This moment was perfect, I was not only with Mom, but with Dad too and it was nice to share and spent time with family, something we haven't done in years.

-"So,"- Dad cleared his throat, -"You want to celebrate Halloween, son?"

I raised my head from the plate, -"Huh?" –I swallowed the chunk of meat, -"Uh… no, of course not. Who celebrates Halloween?"- I said, shrugging.

Dad smiled, -"Kids do."

-"Well, we don't and I don't want to."- I said flatly, avoiding eye contact with him.

He chuckled, -"I'll get you a costume tomorrow."

I sighed, -"Dad, no, I don't want to. I just…,"- I gulped, feeling my cheeks flare up, -"Uh… never mind. Just don't."

-"I'll call Mrs. Bodt then."

-"What?"- I almost choked, -"W-what for?"

-"Come on, son. It's nice to go out once in a while, and believe me, you deserve it."- He said, a sincere smile on his face.

I sighed and then though about it. I really shouldn't complain, I mean, I've been indoors for a month and a half and yeah, I wanted to go out, hang out with somebody –and by somebody I meant Marco, the rest can jump off a cliff for all I care, -"Fine, but let me talk to her."- Then again, his family was religious, so Halloween might be out of the question. I could still go out with him to the movies or something.

Dad dialed the number on his phone and then gave it to me. I began to tap my foot nervously as it started ringing. I swore these were the longest seconds in my life, -"Hello?"- I finally heard Marco's mom's voice.

-"Hey, uh… it's me, Jean."- I always answered in the same way, I don't know why.

-"Jean! How good to hear you again,"- She sounded relieved, -"Is everything alright?"

-"Yeah, yeah, I'm alright."

-"That's good news. I was about to call you right now."

-"Really? What for?"- I tried to hide my shock from both my parents and Marco's mom.

-"Tomorrow's Halloween and even though I don't celebrate it, I always prepare sweets and dress up, so I thought maybe you'd like to come by, but I know you have to take care of your mom. Maybe some other time?"- She spoke and I heard ruffling on the other side, as if she was searching for something.

I almost squealed. Almost, -"Well, Dad's here so…"- I glanced at him. He still had that same smile as before.

-"Oh, that's great then! Ask him if you can come and I'll pick you up around midday."- She sounded excited.

I lowered the phone and when I opened my mouth to ask Dad, he was already nodding. I smiled at him and raised his phone again, -"Yeah, I can go."

She chuckled, -"Perfect! Oh, Marco will love to hear this!"- At the mention of his name, I quickly opened my mouth to ask how he was, but she continued, -"Okay, be ready then. I'll pick you up."- And with that, she hung up.

I gave Dad his phone back and continued to eat with a broad smile on my face. Both of them noticed, -"Aw, Johnny wants to celebrate spooky day."- Mom commented, a sudden smile on her face. She was often serious, but I noticed how happy she was and often smiled around us –or tried to. I… I can't tell anymore.

After that, we watched a funny movie and laughed a lot. Yet, my attention was on Mom. She was desperately trying to smile just as we were, but something held her back, something prevented her to do so. She often tried to hide her face from us, but I knew she was silently crying and I couldn't bear to see her like this.

We all went to sleep early and this time, Dad slept with Mom and I slept in my room. As I waited for slumber, I kept thinking about Mom and what was going through her mind. I'm terrified that she'll try to kill herself again. Tonight, she looked dreary, like she couldn't get something off her mind and was making her depressed again. I never stopped giving her the medicines and it seemed they stopped working again.

Next day, I was waving at her and Dad while mounting Mrs. Bodt's car. She had this grieving face as if I wouldn't return. She was attached to me, but she kept quiet and didn't beg me to stay or anything.

-"Good morning!"- Marco's mom spoke when I was about to feel guilty and I snapped from my thoughts. I quickly noticed Marco wasn't here, -"How are you doing?"

I tried my best smile, -"All good."

-"And your mother?"

-"She's… good too."

Her smile dropped a bit. She looked at me through the mirror, -"It'll be okay, Jean. Just believe."

I just nodded, unsure how to respond. I kept quiet and so was the ride to her house.

Once there, Sky, her husky, "greeted" me. Why the fuck does he hates me so much? He was practically wrestling with the chain, which was imminent to break. Marco's mom managed to soothe him so I could pass and when I did, I swear he was giving me the death glare.

Inside, the familiar smell of sweet vanilla wrapped me… and something else. She was baking something.

She noticed and chuckled, -"I'm baking brownie cupcakes and cookies. Want some? When they're ready, of course."

-"I'd love to."- I said, smiling widely, a drool almost escaping my mouth. God, it smelled so good…

She chuckled again and turned to the kitchen, putting on those puffy gloves, -"Well, go check on Marco. He's upstairs."

I nodded and started walking away, not until I took in the house; there were Halloween decorations whatsoever and yet, she prepared the house for today. The dining table was neatly organized with a white, silky mantle and a glass urn-shaped vase with a bouquet of roses in it. The curtains on the windows and doors were also silky white. It was all neatly cleaned, every corner of the house, no stains on the carpet, etc. I knew she spent hard work preparing for today and I was thankful.

I also wondered if she invited anyone else.

I relegated all thoughts from my mind as I walked upstairs. I was kind of surprised when I felt a twist in my stomach. For fucks sakes, I can't be nervous, can I? I've been here before, so what the fuck? Maybe it's because I haven't seen him in a while and considering how things were between us last time…

A wave of questions overflowed my mind. Could I solve our problems today? Does he even want me here after all this time? After how I treated him last time? Will he finally break up with me?

The twist on my stomach was tensing as I stood in front of his door. I sighed. I'm a coward, aren't I? Yet, I can't turn around and leave. I came here because I want to see him and spend time with him too. Maybe he can clear my mind about Mom and that stuff –no, I'm positive he can. And not only that, I knew I also needed a distraction, a breather and a good time with who I wanted to see for a long time.

I took a deep, deep breath and knocked lowly. I heard a sharp noise on the other side, like a chair was just pushed aside and then footsteps, -"Coming, mom!"- When the door knock turned, I was sure I'd chicken out, but instead I stayed put and braced myself for whatever would happen.

The door opened fully to reveal Marco. His eyes widen and we both stood there, staring and taking in each other. He had a blue shirt with Superman's logo, blue jeans and Superman themed converse. His hair was nicely combed. Was he… going out or something? He was too good to stay home.

I unsurprisingly found him more attractive than last time we talked. Maybe it's because we haven't seen each other in a while. My body flared up immediately; I felt hot all around, it was a normal reaction I had, yet now, it was more… intense –and the fact that he was looking at me equally made it worse. I was having trouble coercing my usual urge to pin him down and… and…

He suddenly gasped and lunged towards me into a tight hug, -"Jean!"- And I finally had that closeness I wanted from him.

He crawled his hands up my back and clutched, tightening the hug. I then realized he was serious when he planted his face in my chest. I tough I heard sobs, but I wasn't sure. I was speechless, but I forced myself to say something, -"H-hey… I'm alright, really."- I hugged him back. I had to.

After a few seconds, he parted from my chest and looked up at me, his eyes glistening, -"It's… been a while."

I bit my lip and looked away, -"Y-yeah…"- I know it was stupid to feel even the slightest of guilt, but I couldn't help it. I left Marco alone in that hell of a school.

Marco, who was still clutched on me, parted from me, cleared his throat and pointed inside his room, -"Um… come in."- He blushed and smiled as I walked inside, just as red.

I had that small impulse of closing the door behind me, but I ceased.

-"Do you want to play something?"- He quickly asked once I was inside. He was excited about my arrival, that much was obvious. He was also surprised to see me. Maybe his mom didn't told him anything –that might have been her intention in first place, to surprise him.

I smiled, scratching the back of my neck. The air was… tense and warm between us. We both missed each other, but we were both nervous. It was also awkward, -"Uh… sure, why not?"- I answered, shrugging.

We sat on the same spot last time I came here –which reminded me: that day was the first time I confessed to him, -"Tekken 6 or…"- He asked, searching around his games.

-"Tekken's fine."

We started playing and at first, it was awkward. We sat far from each other, I mean… not as close as we've always been. We talked little during the first matches. Then, it got better and we started talking like we used to. The tense air we previously had was nearly gone –there was still a little, considering our last chat was unfinished. I was relieved he never brought it up. Honestly, I didn't want to talk about that. I knew I had to, but not now. My nerves twisted just thinking about it.

-"So, how're things in school?"- I asked once out of curiosity.

Marco hesitated on the answer, -"It's…, I dunno."

I paused the game to look at him, -"What do you mean?"

He had this troubled expression he was struggling to hide from me, -"It's the same… really."

I moved closer to him. Immediately, my serious and overprotective attitude flared up, -"What happened? Is somebody hurting you?"- I had a clear knowledge of who wanted Marco broken.

-"No one, I'm fine, it's just…,"- He sighed, giving up on whatever lie he was going to make up, -"I think it's worse, the bullying and racism I mean. Nathaniel thinks so too. Ever since you left, they've gotten careless. Now they harass everyone and they don't listen to anyone, not even teachers. The student rate has dropped. It's a mess…"

-"That's unsurprising…"

-"It's been… horrible without you…"- He said lowly, looking away, like if it was a though, but instead, it slipped out unintentionally.

-"Marco… I'm so-"

I was about to apologize until he interrupted me, as if he read my mind, -"You don't have to apologize,"- He smiled back at me, -"You have to take care of your mom. How has she been?"

After that, a handful of minutes passed. I told him everything; how she tried to kill herself, how she was changing, how she knew she was dying and forgetting people, etc. Marco, as sentimental as he was, found it all sad –too sad. He tried to cheer me up, saying I shouldn't give up yet and that there was still time, but honestly, this little moment we had was enough for me.

I ended up cheering him too, considering how compassionate he was. I wanted to make him laugh and smile, so I told every joke I could come up with –which were all lame, to be honest. He did laughed at least and my soul warmed up. That's all I needed for strength; to see him smile.

-"Hey, you're cheating!"- Marco shouted. We were playing Mario Kart.

-"What? No, I'm not."- I said, a grin on my face as I teasingly pushed his kart towards a cliff with mines.

-"Jean, stop! I'm gonna fall!"- Even though he sounded pissed, I saw a wide smile on his face. He was enjoying this as much as I was.

I kept at it and when he finally fell and I won the race –after 5 loses, I stood up and raised my arms, -"Hell yeah!"

I was glad he wasn't the type of guy who gets pissed off by losing or by someone's cheering. We had another race after that and Marco was fifth place and I was first. I was jumping by the final lap, finally winning two times sequentially, but when Marco received one of those fucking blue shells at the final minutes, -"Oh, no. Don't you dare."

He just laughed and threw the fucking thing.

-"No, no, no!"- I swore my finger would swollen up by how hard I was pressing the damn button and yet, the thing smashed down on me and I did a back flip. That's when Marco raced past me. And won.

Unlike me, he stayed down, but he was covering his mouth, preventing himself to laugh out loud. His face turned red, -"Come here, you little…"- I lashed at him and wrapped my arms around him while tickling him under the arm. He laughed out loud, as ticklish as he ever was, and I loved it. I kept tickling him, a bit faster and when he pulled away, I reached for him and fell over him.

If his face was red before, it was redder now. The laughing stopped, our faces were only inches apart and our eyes widen before each other. I could feel his ragged breath on my face. Shit, I could feel my whole body heat up…

I wanted… I wanted to be closer to him, to feel his lips after so long. I could feel how easily I was turned on by just looking down at him. Unable to coerce myself, I lowered my head closer to his and when our lips rose, he turned his head aside abruptly. I raised my head, a bit surprised. I gaped my mouth to speak, but shut it close. He was still… touchy with me from last time we spoke. Was he still considering break up?

The though itself was horrid for me. I didn't meant to push him like that, I was just…

I stood up reluctantly and helped him up. None of us said anything afterwards.

Until his mom called us, -"Jean! Marco! Dinner is ready!"

Marco glanced at me and headed downstairs. I sighed and followed suit.

Damn, the smell of sweet baking was overpowering. Wait… she was cooking and baking too? Damn. She placed plates full of pasta on the table for all of us. They all had shredded cheese melted on them. I was practically drooling over the banquet when Marco's mom spoke again, -"Eat up. Then, it's horror movies and sweets."- She smiled excitedly.

I quickly sat down after my stomach growled. Marco sat in front of me and his mom sat beside him, so they were both facing me and I felt as if I was going to be interrogated. I quickly began to eat, but Marco and his mom prayed silently –or, well… Marco tried to. I noted how his hands trembled a little. Was he… afraid to say thanks to Him just because He dictated that homosexuality was a sin?

A bit pissed with an odd clutch on my chest, I sighed, stood up and sat beside him. I placed my hand over his and squeezed it, -"Don't be afraid, Marco. You're just thanking Him. He can't deprive you of that."- I spoke lowly, not wanting to interrupt his mom. Then, after squeezing his hand one more time, I stood up and sat where I once was.

I watched them pray silently. Marco looked at me once, smiled and resumed. I let out a sigh of relief as that clutch on my chest faded. Man…

I figured it was usual of them to thank Him before dinner. Me? I thanked Mom –or Dad, or myself. I thought I'd have a wider faith in Him after Mom was out of the hospital –you know, for that chance to redeem myself with her, but… I wasn't so sure. Doctors were behind that –Zackly, too. I thank them, but I thanked Marco the most; for being there when I needed him, for helping me stand up whenever I fell, for making me a better person, for staying with me… for everything.

We had a decent conversation while we ate and laughed about each's anecdotes. I told that one time I ran into the wall in school. Marco's laughter was the loudest –heck, he was there. His mom was having trouble believe it. She still laughed though. She narrated us one time she went with her soon-to-be husband to buy the wedding dress. She said that the moment they entered, he was the first one to try on dresses. I guessed he was the humorous one between the two of them.

I felt the air tense a bit when she began talking about him. She seemed peaceful and whenever she mentioned him, she said: "God bless him in Heaven." Marco… wasn't as peaceful as she was, but he was firm about it.

After eating, we played a few card and board games. Then, around 5 o' clock, we started watching horror movies –classic ones. They weren't those movies that had exorcism and stuff, they were good horror movies. They also weren't so scary, they were moderate. Some were also funny.

-"Oh, don't forget these!"- Marco's mom came to the living with a bag on her hand. She started pulling something from it, -"Here, just for you. It was his idea."- She handed me a Batman mask while pointing to Marco, who was smiling.

I started at it in awe, -"Y-you… bought this for me?"

She nodded and smiled, -"What's Halloween without costumes?"- She walked towards Marco and handed him a Superman cape.

-"I… I don't know what to say."- I was in the brink of tears, to be honest. I wasn't expecting this.

After putting angel wings, she placed her hand on my head, -"Just say 'I'm Batman'."

I laughed, -"Thanks…, really."

We all dressed up and continued watching the movies while eating all the sweets she made.

I learned Marco wasn't the horror type of guy. He often looked away and shrank back on the sofa. I chuckled and teased him about it, -"I didn't know you were afraid of horror movies, Clark."- I tried to stay cool and sound like the actual Batman.

Marco chuckled, -"I'm not. What makes you say that?"- He had glasses on to look more like Clark Kent and God, he looked so cute.

-"This."- I suddenly yelled, sticking my tongue out and Marco jumped a bit. I laughed out loud.

-"Hey! I was paying attention to the movie!"

-"Yeah, sure, scaredy cat."- I said smugly, returning to the movie.

Afterwards, Marco spent the rest of the evening trying to scare me, but I saw it all coming. I managed to scare three times in a row. When the movie got really tense, I lost all notion of whatever was happening around me. I admit, it was getting scary, but nothing I couldn't handle.

-"Oh no! Bruce, watch out! You have a spider on you shoulder!"

-"Ah! What? What the fuck?!"- I shouted and literally jumped off the sofa while brushing off whatever was on my shoulder. I started moving around like crazy, shaking all my body.

Marco and his mom were laughing really hard and that's when it hit me.

-"Oh, very funny. Thanks for the warning,"- I sat down, wrapped my arm around him and started messing with his hair, -"You got me, yeah, yeah,"- I then covered my mouth after realizing the swearing word I spat earlier, -"I-I'm so sorry…"

His mom chuckled, -"It's okay, Jean, don't worry,"- She glanced at the nearby clock on the wall, -"Oh, it's getting late. We should get going."

I glanced at the clock too and damn, it was 8:30 already. We watched like three movies straight. My chest tightened.

She stood up, -"I'm going to change. Be right back."- And hurried upstairs.

I was left alone with Marco. He sighed and stood up. I quickly stood up and grabbed his hand. Before I could say anything though, he spoke, his back on me, -"T-thanks… for coming."

-"Yeah, well… it was great. The cake was awesome."- I said, scratching the back of my head. Damn, why was it so hard to say goodbye? It was hard for both of us, considering we won't see each other in another while.

-"I'm… going up."- He said and began walking again.

And again, I stopped him, -"Marco… wait. Please, just look at me."- I said as I turned him around to face me.

And when he did, reluctantly, I saw a saddened expression.

-"Marco…,"- He was the one having trouble to say goodbye. Either he disliked it or wasn't accustomed. I then realized he really did missed me and had an awful time in school without me, -"I… need to go. Mom needs me,"- I don't know why I'm saying what he already knew, -"I'll let you know when Dad comes so we can hang out, ok?"

He just nodded with the same expression. He looked like a little kid who was just dropped in school the first day.

-"Listen… I…,"- Oh God, how do I put this? –"I know we need to talk seriously and I'm not avoiding it or anything, but today… I just wanted to spend time with you. I… wanted to see you and I'm glad I had the chance."- To be honest, I think he was the one avoiding it.

-"I know…"

-"Just… don't give it much thought. Or anything else. It'll drive you mad, believe me,"- I smiled bitterly, recognizing the truth in my own words, -"And… I love you. I really do…"

He nodded again.

I wanted him to say something, anything, but I was already closing the space between us. Holding his head with one hand, I drew my mouth into his, without hesitation and this time, he didn't turned away. We kissed in synch, slow and steady. Both my hands moved to his back and pushed him closer to me until my tongue touched beyond his. Our tongues danced as I slowly pushed him into the sofa, -"Jean…,"- He managed to whisper among the kisses. I couldn't figure out if it was a warning or a sign of pleasure. Either way, I didn't stop. I lowered my head to his neck and sucked in softly but deep. He moaned and-"Jean… stop."- He was pushing me away.

Unlike other situations, I reluctantly stopped and raised my head, -"Wh-what is it?"

-"I… can't…"- He breathed out, turning his head away from mines. Yet, I noted how he kept glancing at a near cross.

Again, I felt a little bothered, but this time, I breathed deeply and dropped it. I didn't wanted to start another discussion with him. I sighed, -"I…, goodnight."

I walked out of the house to wait for his mom with a heaviness in me. Then, she came out with another bag, -"I brought you some sweet so you could give to your mother and father if they want,"- She did a double take before opening her car, -"Oh, you still have the mask. I thought you'd leave it behind. It's yours after all."

I reached for it and pulled it off. Huh, I didn't even realized I had it on…

We drove off and when we reached home, -"Hey, Jean."- She called when I dropped off with the bag.

-"Hm?"

-"Thanks for coming. Marco really needed company –well, your company."

-"Yeah, it… was nothing."- Again with that heaviness whenever I thought about him…

And it showed, -"I know what's between you two."

I knew that, -"Yeah, he told me."- I wasn't even embarrassed. I just wanted to get inside.

-"Look,"- I braced myself for her critic, -"It's hard, I know, but what's it worth if it's not? Nothing else matters but what's in here."- She pointed to her chest, where her heart throbbed.

Shit, I wanted ask her something, but I didn't know if it was right. Fuck it, -"I'm aware you're Christian and all and trust me, I don't want to show any disrespect, but shouldn't you… like, be against homosexuality? I honestly don't care about all that, but he does and… I feel like He doesn't want us together, with all that's happened."- Yup, I meant everything that's happened. It just felt like His doing.

Her face softened, not insulted at all, -"I know. It should be like that, but no, Jean, I'm not. Love is love and I want Marco to be happy and he's happy with you. I can't cut his wings because of that."

I'm so relieved to hear her say that, -"But he said…"

-"Others in the family objected, yes. He and I both tried to avoid trouble, but they somehow found out and that has Marco… sad."

-"Yeah, I noticed…"

-"His faith in Him is staggering and he feels like he committed the gravest crime ever. He doesn't want to accompany me to church anymore,"- She sighed, placing her hand on her forehead. All this has her stressed and sad, -"Jean, I'd like for you to come to church with us at least once. Maybe he'll feel better if you're there."

Or maybe not, I though. Maybe… it'll make it worse. I still nodded, -"Yeah, of course."- It's been a hell of a lot of time since I went to church, but for Marco, I'd do anything.

-"Thank you,"- She smiled, -"Don't give up, ok?"

I nodded and headed inside.

Yeah… don't give up, she said.