Notes:

In this chapter I mention Alex, a nurse from the Hilltop. I haven't read the comics yet but apparently Alex was a lover of Jesus/Paul's in the comic series. I used that for my story to add some drama. Haha.

Chapter 3:

At first, Paul's answer didn't even register properly. He stared dumbly, waiting for the 'yes' to come tumbling out. And when it still didn't come, when the 'no' was finally made clear to his distraught mind, Rick felt anger take hold. His anger soothed the hurt, the feeling of betrayal that his lover's answer gave him.

"No?, he repeated, pulling away and sitting up straight.

Jesus sat up too, his face tense, sensing an impending fight. But his words were soft, at odds with his body. "I can't," he amended, as if that answer would comfort Rick.

"You can't?" Rick parroted, feeling stupid when he had nothing else to say.

His lover still remained calm, even though Rick's tone was steadily growing darker. "Rick, I love you, okay? I really, really do, and I can't believe I've found you and..." Jesus shook his head, realizing he was heading off track. "But that doesn't mean I can just…up and abandon my community."

As the leader of his own people, and as the head of his family, Rick knew that what Jesus was saying was completely logical. But the hurt he harbored in his heart, the longing for his mate to be with him at all times drove out all reason. So he spat out the first insult that came to mind. "You'd rather live under Gregory? He's incompetent."

It was a childish thing to say, and in all honesty, not a very good insult. Jesus shook his head, a smirk pulling at his lips. He was actually amused by this, Rick realized, and it did nothing to calm the swirling anger that was building in his chest. "He may be," Jesus agreed with a shrug. "But he's our leader, like it or not. And our people have lived well for a long time, despite any incompetence on his part."

He could feel his frown deepening, his lips pulled down with the weight of his mounting frustration. "Who there are you so close with? Why do you even want to stay?"

Again, instead of growing angry with his line of questioning, of the accusing nature of his questions, Jesus answered him serenely. "It's not about what I want, Rick. It's about what's right. And you would do the same thing. You wouldn't leave these people. Even for me."

Rick couldn't understand why he was so upset. Everything Paul was saying was true, and he was so calm, so understanding of Rick's emotions. He should have been able to talk it through calmly with his loved one, come to some sort of mutual agreement. He should have seen Paul's side of the argument, realized that he too felt a sense of obligation to his original community. But he couldn't help the way he felt. Rick wanted Jesus to live in Alexandria so much and it was eating him up that Paul just wouldn't say yes.

"I want to be with you, Rick. I want to know Daryl the way you do. I want to hold your children as my own. I want to be in your group – your family. But I can't abandon my people. They need me far more than you do right now."

Rick shook his head, stubbornly denying every word Paul was saying. It all made sense, was all true. The Hilltop community members were not as hardened as his family. While they were slightly better than the Alexandrians, Rick knew Jesus was one of their best fighters. One of the most valuable men they had. Without him and his skills, his guidance, Rick knew the Hilltop would be sorely pressed in many ways. But he couldn't accept it.

"They'll be fine," he argued. "We can help train them."

Jesus nodded, ever the cool headed one, and reached out to clasp Rick's hand. "That's fine. Of course we can help train them. Probably should have been doing that more all along." He smiled softly at Rick, not cowed by the intense frown on the Alexandria leader's face. "But that still doesn't mean I can move right now. Training takes time. Give me a few months, and then I'll be more open to the idea."

Rick knew that was a rational and fair point. He also realized he should have been happy – Paul was willing to move away from everyone he had known for so long to be with him. All he was asking for was a bit of time to ensure his people's wellbeing, to make sure all was well before he made such a life changing switch. But the selfish jealously was there, fueling his irrationality and illogical thinking. He couldn't see past his blind hurt, couldn't agree that Paul wasn't asking too much.

Jesus spoke again before Rick could. "You don't know how badly I want to say yes, Rick. This is hard for me too."

"If you want to so bad then just do it!" he snapped, unable to help it. In the back of his mind he realized his argument wasn't based on fact or coherent thinking. Rick just couldn't help how he felt. He wanted – no, he needed – Paul to live in Alexandria with him. He needed to have his lover close where he could protect and care for him. Why couldn't Paul understand that?

The Hilltop messenger released his hands as if burnt. Jesus crossed his arms in front of him, a move that was so defensive to Rick that it made his internal hackles rise further. An old insecurity began to surface in the wake of Paul's denial that there wasn't anyone specific at the Hilltop he was staying for. He tried to fight the suspicion, knew it was completely irrational and would turn this small argument into something big. But the words were out before he could stop them. "Or is this really about something else?"

Jesus narrowed his eyes and Rick felt a lurch in his gut. When the other man gave someone that look…well, it was trouble. But he was in too deep to backtrack now, couldn't stop the hurt from feeding the cruel words sprouting in his mind. "Is this about Alex?"

Rick knew it was wrong – he didn't need to see the incredible hurt in his lover's eyes to realize it. Paul had told Rick about his tryst with the Hilltop nurse (Doctor Carson's assistant) in confidence, had explained that while at one point he had been extremely attracted to the other man, his feelings were nowhere near what he felt for Rick. Paul had let him know because he wanted to be honest with him, especially with the fact that Alex still resided at the Hilltop – and here Rick had barely been able to admit his feelings for Daryl when Jesus had asked him. It was hypocritical on so many levels, but the former lawman refused to feel guilty in that moment. He couldn't, or he would lose and that would mean his lover wouldn't be with him. And he just couldn't have that.

For a few seconds, complete silence ruled the bedroom. Rick remained obstinate, staring sullenly at his lover even as he saw Paul's look grow darker every moment. When Paul spoke, his words were clipped, short, a tone that Rick had never heard directed at him. "No, I'm not staying because of Alex." The Hilltop man closed his eyes for a beat, and when they were reopened Rick saw tears gathering there. "If you don't trust me, I can't do this." And then Jesus was sliding off the bed, making his way towards the bathroom.

"Paul!" Rick called, scrambling off the bed and hustling towards the bathroom door.

He didn't make it in time. Jesus had the door closed and locked before he could get his hand on the handle. "Paul, come on!" Rick pounded his palm against the door in frustration.

"Leave me alone, Rick. I don't want to say something I'll regret." His lover's voice was thick with what Rick was sure was tears.

Hands on his hips, a sigh escaped Rick. "I'm sorry, okay?" His tone, however, did not indicate that he felt that badly. The anger and hurt were still too fresh, too strong, and it was evident in his voice.

The only response he got was the shower spitting out water, effectively drowning out any further words he might have said.

….

Paul remained in the bathroom the rest of the night. No matter how many times Rick pounded on the door, pleaded sweetly, shouted, or apologized, his lover did not open the door. No matter what approach he took, Rick could not get the other man to give in. The former lawman had finally given up around three in the morning and had gotten dressed, retreating to the couch in the living room. He vowed to stay awake enough to hear if Paul tried to slip past, and closed his eyes.

As he lay there, the pain of Paul's denial began to ease and the raging inferno of hurt and fury dwindled into glowing embers. Rick realized he had been a fool, cruel and heinous in a way that Paul absolutely did not deserve. He didn't normally act like this. Even with Lori, Rick hadn't had the energy to fight back with her. She had been able to cut him at the knees every time. He just couldn't get his emotions to match the fervor in which hers burned. But with Jesus…something about this man made everything brighter, more animated. Rick felt like he couldn't think clearly in relation to his new love, made him so irrational that it was dangerous. But how did you put those feelings into words? Did it even make his actions forgivable? He practiced his apology in his mind, clinging to the adoration he had for the man that had given him so much love in such a short time.

When he woke later that morning, the quiet of the home unsettled him. He knew without doubt that his crafty lover had snuck out despite his every effort to stay alert.

Rick made his way upstairs anyway, taking note of the made bed and open bathroom door. He wandered in to the bathroom, feeling dazed and broken. He tried to pinpoint where he had gone wrong, why he had let his insecurities take hold. Why had he lashed out at Paul, when the man had only ever been loving and understanding, kind and thoughtful? He had never given Rick reason to doubt or be cruel.

It took him an embarrassing amount of time to notice the piece of paper on the countertop near the sink. With trembling hands he snatched up the note, bringing it up close in order to read the words that had been elegantly printed there. Rick had no doubt it was Paul's handwriting. Taking a deep breath, Rick began to read the letter.

Rick,

I wasn't lying last night. I really, truly, wholeheartedly love you.

But I can't accept the way you treated me last night either. I have done nothing to cause you to doubt me. I told you about Alex not so you could use him against me, but because I wanted to be closer with you. To have my honesty thrown back at me is disgusting, and I can't explain how hurt I am.

I do want to live with you, and I would have been more receptive if your approach had been different. I understand my answer wasn't what you wanted to hear. But I have to do what's right. We can discuss this further when you have cooled down.

Please don't come after me. I need some time too. We'll talk when I come back again.

I love you.

He sat down on the toilet, head in his hands. He felt like crying, could feel sobs beginning to froth in his chest. How was he going to make this right? Paul was so rational and was such a sympathetic man, but he had really hurt him. Rick wasn't sure if he could be forgiven for what he had said.

….

The words in the letter were fresh in his mind, the no contact request ever present even as he made his way to directly disobey them. He had sulked for a full five minutes before deciding not to listen. In no way did Rick plan to avoid the Hilltop man until he departed. He needed to make this right now. He couldn't wait for another one of Paul's sporadic visits to make sure they were in a good place.

His boots clicked lightly against Alexandria's paved streets, as he tried to keep his gait steady instead of rushed and panicky. Citizens of the town milled about, most greeting him with friendly smiles or waves as he passed. A few he casually asked about Jesus, trying to pinpoint exactly where the wily man was.

Rick knew that if Paul didn't want to be found, there was no way he would be. But perhaps his lover had anticipated him actually obeying a request for once, because Heath was able to point him in the right direction, leading him directly to Jesus. When Rick finally found Paul, he was helping the other Hilltop members load up their van, seemingly unaware of Rick's approach.

There weren't many boxes needing packed away, and from what Rick could view from his position they appeared hardly filled. Some canned goods for the most part, while the fresh vegetables the Hilltop had brought would now be in Alexandria's storeroom. Their trading had slowed down to a trickle, and if Rick had to guess, he figured Gregory sent the convoys more as a constant reminder of their deal to end Negan's threat than to get supplies.

Paul wore his usual dark colors, garbed in his heavy trench coat and woolen hat despite the vicious rays of the sun causing the temperature to steadily climb. Whereas Rick's curls were already dripping with sweat, the front of his shirt dampening with moisture, Paul appeared cool and content in the blistering mugginess, no sign of perspiration on his body. Shaking his head with wonder, Rick leaned against the picket fence he was perched behind. He knew better than to confront Paul in front of others, and decided to wait for the perfect moment to strike.

As a cop, he had people watched all of the time. Sitting in the squad car with Shane, they had discussed why each person might be out and about, coming up with the backdrops of random peoples' lives as a pastime. Rick had learned to read some body language, could interpret small clues others unconsciously gave. But as he gazed at Paul, he realized that the man was a mystery. Rick couldn't pinpoint what sort of vibe Jesus was giving off. He tried to look at it with a detached point of view, knowing he was biased because of his closeness to the other man. But no matter what way he looked at it, Paul was an enigma. The smile he gave to the members of his group was genuine, but closed off in a way that Rick couldn't read. His body wasn't tense, gave no indication that he had fought with the love his life mere hours before, yet his voice was soft and withdrawn. His movements were as fluid and graceful as ever, but there was a disjointedness to it that bothered Rick. Something was off, that was for certain.

When the last of the supplies and crates had been loaded, Jesus leaned against the side of the van, watching as the Hilltop members said their goodbyes to the Alexandrians that had gathered. And that was when Rick struck. He ambled over slowly, his hands in his pockets and his body loose and relaxed. Jesus turned as the lawman approached, his eyes narrowing just as they had the night before. Refusing to back down, he got close, putting his arm up on the hood of the vehicle and leaning on it. "Hey," he said softly, ignoring the potent ire in his lover's eyes.

Jesus had his arms crossed, hands under his armpits, but Rick could see the other man's wrists flexing. Realizing his lover was clenching his fists in anger, he decided to speed up his apology. "I know ya said not to come, but I didn't want ya to leave without us talkin'. Never go to bed angry and all that, you know." Paul continued not to speak, but Rick forged ahead, figuring silence was better than arguing or walking away. "I'm sorry about last night. I said what I did for the sake of hurtin' you and nothin' else. I don't doubt ya and never have."

Eyes downcast, Rick straightened up, sliding his arm off the hood and instead clasping his hands in front of him. "An' I know you can't leave right away. I want you here is all, and it hurt when you-"

"Stop."

Rick looked up in surprise. Paul's eyes were stormy, but with what emotion he wasn't sure. "I appreciate the apology, Rick. I really do. But you- I-…I asked you not to come."

Confusion struck, and with it, the embers of his anger were stoked. He tried to keep his voice even, he really did. But Rick could hear the exasperation when he said, "If I hadn't come, then you wouldn't have gotten the apology today."

The look on Paul's face could have curdled milk. He closed his eyes for a moment, letting out a huff, before reopening and turning his angry gaze back on the Alexandria leader. "Yes, Rick. That's why I'm in a bit of a bind." Rick was certain he wasn't imagining the condescending tone. "I appreciate that you want to make things right, and that you're owning up to your mistakes. But I asked you to do one thing, and you blatantly disregarded it. Do you even respect me?"

Aaaaaaaand the rage was back. Why was it that those you loved most were the ones who made you the angriest fastest? Rick hadn't come up with the answer yet, but he had certainly asked it enough times during his marriage with Lori. Hands on his hips in frustration, Rick stared down at Paul, disbelief etched on his face. "'Course I do! Are you even serious?"

"Right, because I'm supposed to believe that." Paul was hissing under his breath, trying not to draw attention. But Rick could see the other man's matching fury just below the surface. "You respected me enough last night to accuse me of cheating. You respected me enough to do exactly the opposite of what I asked you." He opened his mouth to continue, but bit it off, throwing his hands up in the air and beginning to stalk away.

Grabbing at Paul's shoulder, Rick pulled him back and up against the van. His lover resisted, tried to get out of Rick's grip. By now some of the Hilltop members and Alexandria citizens had noticed that their conversation wasn't friendly, but no one stepped up to intervene, uncertain murmuring evident. Rick dug his fingers into Paul's wrists to get his attention, but he made sure his grip wasn't too painful. "Say what you were gonna say."

Looking up at him, Paul's eyes danced with a wrath Rick had never seen. "I told you, Rick. I'd prefer not to say something I'll regret," he answered with a deathly calm voice, still in control despite the tempest of emotions that crackled between them.

"Rick?"

That was Michone's voice, questioning, but not timid. She was coming closer by the sound of it. He had to hurry this up. "Say it," he spat.

It took a few precious moments, but Paul finally took a breath and whispered, "You don't respect me enough to tell your family about us. So maybe I will go back to Alex. He never hid how he felt and he never treated me this way."

Paul didn't have to struggle to get away this time. His words had made Rick's grip go slack. The smaller man escaped, putting up his hands and smiling, assuring the gathering crowd all was well. All Rick could do was stand dumbly, a cold numbness seeping into his body. It wasn't until Michone clasped his elbow gently and tugged that he began to move, not even registering when the Hilltop van started up and drove away.

….

Michone brought him back to their family home, silent as the lawman she escorted. She continued to say nothing as she sat him at the kitchen table and busied herself getting him a cup of coffee. She kept his black, just how he liked it, but he watched distantly as she added a packet of sugar and a dash of creamer to her mug. Sitting down next to him, she slid his cup towards him and with a nod took a sip of her steaming drink, gazing at him questioningly. Rick copied her movements and took a long drink, ignoring the fiery burn as it slid down.

Gazing at her over the rim of his drink, he took note of her relaxed posture. Her hands gripped the mug loosely, and she leaned back in her chair. For all intents and purposes Michone looked at ease. However, her lips were set in a serious line that Rick had grown to recognize as a signature sign of Michone's when she felt anxious. She sure was making a show at nonchalance, and she was doing a damned good job. But it was obvious to Rick that she desperately wanted to question him. And she was hoping he'd open up on his own terms.

She'd be waiting a while if she expected that.

This time he took a slower sip and kept his eyes on the dark liquid, trying his best to ignore Michone's inquisitive gaze. It was easy to recede into his own thoughts, thinking back on what he had said to Jesus and what had been said to him. Rick felt sick. The fight had been so reminiscent of his relationship with Lori. Cruel barbs meant to hurt, quick words meant to cut deep. Jesus had been the exact opposite when it came to arguing so far. He had kept a cool head, never quick to anger. But this…it was as if Lori had taken possession of Jesus and spoken for him. The thought made Rick's heart ache. He must have really hurt Jesus, pushed him into a state of fury that wasn't normally felt.

However, even through the incredible rage, Paul had been true to himself. His lover's face hadn't flashed with triumph at the vicious threat, and Rick was almost certain Jesus hadn't even really meant it. He had done what he had to get away, end the fight before it could get out of hand. Paul had been thinking of him, probably, realizing Rick wasn't ready to reveal their relationship and had seen the growing crowd that were bound to ask questions.

Yet… Jesus had brought up the fact Rick hadn't revealed the nature of their relationship. Maybe it was something that bothered Jesus. But the other man had never told him that. With a groan, Rick lowered his cup and slumped in his seat. And here he had thought women were difficult to understand. Perhaps he wasn't suited for any sort of relationship. He just wasn't capable of wading through all this emotional mumbo jumbo.

"Are we really doing this again?"

He almost smiled. Rick figured it would be Michone to crack first. "Do what?" he asked, and he noticed the tired quality of his voice. And it was barely eight in the morning.

The taught lines of her lips deepened and pulled downward, an obvious sign of her displeasure. "You know we care about you, Rick. You need to talk to us when something 's wrong."

A soft chuckle escaped. "Are you talkin' about our conversation after the run with Daryl?"

Michone sighed, closing her eyes for a moment and then opening them slowly. Psyching herself up for dealing with such a difficult man, Rick figured. "Yes."

He shook his head and smiled, making sure he made direct eye contact with her when he said, "Michone, trust me. There's nothin' going on. Jesus and I just had a very small disagreement."

An eyebrow arched in disbelief. "You pinned him against the van, Rick."

"It was nothing."

If she noticed the hard note enter his voice, she didn't show it. She took another drink, though her eyes never left his face.

Sighing, he rubbed at his face. He could feel a headache coming on. "I promise, I would tell you if there was a problem."

"Would you?" Her tone was anything but innocent.

So many emotions were at play in his heart, he couldn't quite settle on how he felt about her accusation. Why had his emotional circuit board been rewired so drastically? What had Jesus done to him?

He looked at Michone closer, taking note that she looked utterly exhausted. Worry deepened lines around her eyes, and when he looked down at her hands Rick could see that her fingers were now clutching her mug with a fierce grip. She really cared about him. He knew that. And she would listen with an unjudging ear. She would give good advice.

But it was so much easier to lie.

"I would."