Disclaimer: I do not own Attack on Titan.

FIFTY-ONE

-"Hey, Marco."- With my hands soiled in paint, I reached out for Marco and wrapped my stained arm around his neck, staining him in the process. I nudged his shoulder playfully.

-"Hm?"- He mused, eyes locked on the canvas below him.

-"Have you ever thought on getting a girlfriend?"- I asked, a mischievous grin on my lips.

-"Huh?"- He looked up with a light blush on his cheeks and a bit bewildered at my sudden question, -"Where did that came from?"

I snickered, -"Come on, just answer already."- I was making doodles on his cheek with my finger while waiting for his answer.

He chuckled at my touch, -"Um… no, not really."

-"What?"- I exclaimed, gaping my mouth, -"No way! Don't lie! I saw you looking at Sarah just a minute ago!"

Marco smiled, -"I was asking her to lend me her paintbrush, silly,"- He picked up her paintbrush and lifted it as evidence, -"Besides, you're here, so…"

-"Huh? What do you mean?"- I was kind of an airhead, so I stared at Marco stupidly, waiting for him to explain what he just said.

Marco chuckled again, -"Nothing, dummy."- Then he started to spray paint on my face too and I, competitive as always, couldn't stay hit.

-"Boys, behave yourselves,"- Marianne, our drawing class teacher, walked towards us and gasped when she saw our little mess, -"Oh dear, look at you both!"- She placed her hand on her forehead and pointed to the near sink, -"Come now, clean yourselves up."

Marco and I both snickered before cleaning up.

I sat up with a soaring headache, rubbing my temples, -"Oh, Marco…,"- I mused, covering my face with my hands in shame, -"I'm so sorry…,"- The memory I had a few seconds ago was pleasant, stirring up a smile on my lips, albeit temporarily. Marco always saw me more than just a best friend, didn't he? Damn, what I wouldn't give to go back in time… I slumped back on my bed, still covering my face and struggling to hold a tear or two, -"I'm such a jerk."- I muttered to myself as I thought about all the things Marco must think of me now. He might think I'm a rapist, a lust glutton, he might even think I only wanted him as a sex toy. Yet, I knew back there he wanted that as badly as I did –well, not as bad, but close. The way he occasionally kissed me back told me as much.

I shook my head in denial. No, no, no, I'm none of those and I'll prove him! And he isn't my sex toy. To me, he means so much more than that…

But I screwed up back there. Real bad. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse between us, something pops up. Just when I thought I'd totally fix things up, I fuck it all. What was wrong with me? What happened to me? It ripped my mind to think now, but I forced myself: we were just talking when this immense need to… pin him down and kiss him took over me. I didn't even see it coming and Marco certainly didn't either. It was like I was possessed by a lust demon, but no, I was possessed by my own lust, my own selfish need to feel him.

I was terrified too. Our breakup was imminent. It was like the worst thing that could ever happen to me and I didn't want it. I didn't want him to go, I didn't want him to leave me…

You're so selfish, Jean, my rational voice spoke up, Marco can't be with someone like you and you know it.

I shook my head again, faster this time.

You're a satyr. You hurt him most when you claim you protect him.

I bit my lower lip really hard. Damn it…! This fucking headache is gonna-!

No, no, no, I need to calm down and control myself. A bit rushed and limp, I headed to the bathroom and again took a hot bath. With my body exposed, I leaned back on the cold slab and breathed deeply several times consecutively. I could feel the headache slowly soothing and it gave me a chance to think clearly, to rationalize.

I remember a time in school when I had a similar breakdown after Marco and I argued. I was driven by ire and I was desperately in need of something, anything to calm me down, so I went to Diego and asked for a share of his cigarettes. He told me once it helped him calm down so I thought that that was better than nothing at all and it did worked, but at the cost of my health in the future. Now? I miraculously managed to appease it –or, well, myself, my emotions… whatever. I guess breathing deeply and a nice hot bath helps a lot. My head still throbbed, but believe me, it's so much better than when I woke up.

I sighed as I slid down onto the floor, -"Marco…"- I mused under the hot water trailing down my face. God, I couldn't think of anyone else now. I admit my action back there were… lust driven, definitely undue, but I swear, I fucking swear Marco is more to me than tool for my needs. I just… I didn't wanted to keep arguing with him, I didn't wanted to hear 'it's over, Jean' and I didn't wanted him to leave. Yeah, still kind of selfish, but fuck it. After everything we've been through, after everything I've done for him, after what he has done for me and having all that effort thrown away is just… maddening. I can't imagine myself without that freckled bastard; all my actions were literally based on him. All I've ever done was for him and when he's not there anymore, what will I do? Yeah, I'm too attached to him, but how can I not? He's literally the only one I have left…; Dad disappeared and Mom's-

I gasped. Mom!

Without thinking twice, I stood up and almost fell due to the slippery flagstone. After drying and changing, I headed out, glancing at the clock along the way, damn, 10 o' clock! I rushed into her room after pulling her wheelchair from the depot and picking a glass of water with her pills, -"Hey, Mom, sorry I dozed off this long. Would you like a sandwich or…,"- I gasped when I saw her in bed, completely motionless and stiff. I accidentally dropped the glass of water and her pills as I rushed to her side, -"Mom! What's wrong?"- I knelt beside her bed and observed her.

She was utterly inert and breathing raggedly; then, she turned her gaze to me, her eyelids mildly open, -"Jean…? Oh, thank goodness, I wanted to see you before I go…"

A hard knot was forming on my throat, -"No, just… hold on,"- I said, my voice rickety. I quickly reached for my phone and cursed when I only found air. Shit, I forgot to pick it up. I needed to call the doctor, 911, Dad, or… I dunno, someone! –"Wa-wait here, okay? I'll call the doctor and-"

-"Don't,"- She spoke before I could even stand up, -"It'll be alright…"

I shook my head, my eyes beginning to water.

She smiled warmly and lifted her arm towards my face with difficulty. She caressed my cheek tenderly, -"I love you, you know? And I'm so proud of you,"- I then wondered of what she was proud of. I'm just a young scoundrel, I've given nothing to her but problems since kid –she probably doesn't remember those though, -"I'm happy to have given you birth. I wouldn't exchange the years with you for anything..."

By now, a tear had escaped my eye and she brushed it off with her thumb, -"Mom, I'm sorry for all the trouble I've given you, I'm sorry I didn't took care of you sooner, I'm sorry…"- I dropped my head into her abdomen.

She started caressing my hair, -"You don't have to apologize, Jean. You've done nothing wrong,"- She said lowly, -"And you did took care of me: you woke up early, checked on me, made me food and watched novels with me. These were the best last days I could have asked for; I got to spend time with you, I got to meet the boy you love…,"- Mom sighed in joy and satisfaction, -"Please, tell him to take care and that I will miss him."

It's astonishing listening to her speak; death didn't appalled her at all. She was resolute and firm on her inevitable fate. She accepted it and it… warmed me, really, yet it left a rueful feel over me. I'm massively glad I fulfilled her wishes, but I still couldn't accept her fate like she has. It was… difficult –if not impossible.

At the mention of Marco, a wave of guilt swept me, -"Mom, I… I hurt him yesterday and I don't think I can patch it up. He was really upset with me. It wasn't my intention, I swear. I tried to explain him, but…"

She lifted my head and jointed my hands with hers, -"Listen, Jean,"- She took a deep breath and I noted how she struggled to keep her eyes open, -"Love is more than just kisses and cuddles. There's walls, obstacles and challenges ahead, testing your commitment. If you truly love him, and I know you do, there's no defiance you can't beat."

I squeezed her hands, -"It's just… too much,"- I complained, remembering all the piling issues Marco and I had, -"The people, the Christians, the Bible, the homophobic, the bullies…, I don't know how much I can take. It's taking a toll on me. I might even go crazy and I'm... scared."

Mom smiled tenderly and shook her head slightly, -"Oh, Jean,"- She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, -"There will always be backbiting and there'll always be unkind and impious people who judge, but don't be afraid, don't let them discourage you,"- With her thumb, she caressed my hand, -"Don't let anyone fuck you up, don't let anyone decide who to love, you're free to choose what to do with your life. It's not written in the Bible."

I chuckled at her sudden profanity. I knew she included God there and she said the exact same thing I told Marco yesterday –well, the way I said it was more irreverent, -"T-that's what I told him, but he… got upset with me."

-"He treasures his faith in Him, yet he could still have faith and love whomever he pleases,"- Mom sounded like she was about to start a riot here, -"It's not right, not fair having a restriction on who to love. Love is for all, it has no limits,"- She grabbed my chin tightly as a strong hope and resolution boiled in me, -"Make him see, Jean. Don't change him, just make him understand, help him, because I know he loves you and it pains him to follow those dogmas and leaving you."

Mom was right. Marco was crying yesterday, but not just by my hard kisses, it was more, -"I-I'll do it."- I said and kissed her hand, determined on my answer,

Mom smiled again, -"I know you can, I have faith in you,"- A tear slipped out from her eye, -"Be brave and strong, Jean, no matter what happens."- Her voice was lower and her breathing shabbier.

-"I… I will."- I sobbed as I squeezed her hand tighter and looked down. Any second now… she'll be dead. Again, question of what happens in the afterlife stuffed me, but I didn't dwelled on it. Now's what matter, this little time I had with her.

-"Tell your father… that I love him and… that I'm sorry."

I gasped and lifted my head a bit. She… she remembered. If only he could be here and listen to her himself…, -"I will tell him… I promise,"- That's only if he ever shows his face around, -"Mom… I…, Mom?"

Her grip on my hand weakened and her eyes closed slowly, -"I love you and… thank you…"- She whispered before her eyes finally closed… before she parted.

-"I love you too…"- I dropped my head into her belly and started crying, eventually damping her clothes. She left, she finally parted. A potent sadness wanted to possess me, but when I saw Mom's smiling and peaceful expression, it was shoved out. Mom died happily. She died in peace.

That only draw more tears out of me, but not of sadness, of success, of immense relief and joy.

After a few more minutes of crying my heart out, I called the doctor and attempted to contact Dad, which was in vain. He didn't answer my calls nor my messages and it was worrying me. In a few minutes, the doctor and a few other medics arrived, -"So, her brain finally withered."- Zackly mused as he watched the medics taking Mom away.

I didn't mutter a word though and just watched the medics as he did. I can't deny feeling a bit sad and lonely, but overall, I was in peace, just like Mom was. I was also proud of her. She didn't feared death in the end. I wasn't entirely happy, it's definitely not a happy day, but I sure as hell am not falling into depression. I told myself I'd make her final days her best days, that I'd reconcile with her and I did it.

-"I shall make preparation for her burial immediately,"- Zackly looked around, -"Where is your father?"

I shrugged and sighed, -"I… don't know. He disappeared after Mom stopped recognizing him."

-"That does not bode well,"- The doctor sighed and lifted his glasses, -"I will see that he is contacted as soon as possible."

-"Alright."- I said and started heading upstairs.

-"Have you… managed on your own all this time?"- For the first time ever, he sounded surprised and not disappointed.

-"Yeah."- I said, stopping on my tracks and looking over my shoulder.

-"Whatever will you do now? You cannot be left alone."

-"I can take care of myself, doctor,"- And with that, I headed up and laid on my bed. With my head resting on my hands, I stared at ceiling, lost in thought. The old Jean wouldn't have minded Mom's absence, but this one… is already missing her. I then wondered what would happen next, including myself. I'm on my own now. Dad hasn't shown his face and by the looks of it, he doesn't plan to. Where are you Dad? I took out my phone and called him one last time. When he didn't answered, I left a voice message: -"Hey, Dad. It's, um, been a while. I wonder how you've been. I hope you're okay. Mom is…,"- I sighed, still finding it hard to just say it, -"… dead. She died this morning. I don't know when the funeral is, but I'm sure you'll find out sooner than me. I… need to tell you something, but I prefer to say it person. Bye."

I slumped back on my bed again and took a nap. When I woke up, I started pacing around my room, pondering on whether or not call Marco. I should let him know, but I bet he won't answer me. He's probably still upset with me. I reached for the cell phone several times, but ended up pulling my hand away. I sighed. I guess I also needed to talk with someone, to vent off. I picked my cellphone again and even though he didn't answer, I left a voice message, -"Marco, hey, um...,"- I scratched the back of my neck, suddenly a bit nervous, -"I know you're still upset with me, but I wanted to tell you that, um..., well, Mom died this morning and I don't know when the funeral will be, but I'll let you know,"- I was about to hung up, but decided against it. I wasn't done speaking, -"I'm sorry, really sorry. I... I hope you can give me another chance, I didn't want it to end like that,"- I paused, about to hung up this time, but held myself, come on, Jean, -"I wonder how you're doing and I'd like to hear from you. I'm... worried, you know,"- I sighed, without anything else to add, -"Well... goodbye."

After a few barren calls at Dad, I decided to go for a walk, to distract myself. I stopped by a near cafe and ordered a hot chocolate. I paid with what my father delivered weekly and sat on a bench. I remembered when Marco and I came here to buy some sweets; that's when we –or I, spotted a couple laughing at us and I swore to God they were mocking us, thinking Marco and I were lovers. Marco wasn't so bothered by them, but me? Ha, I had one of those mental breakdown and ran off home like a pussy. Then Marco came in with a box of donuts and cheered me up. That's when we... almost fucked for the first time.

I started playing with my cell phone until, -"Oh, this must be a miracle," - Wait, I knew that accent, -"Jean?"

Startled, I looked over my shoulder and my eyes widened at none other than Diego, -"Diego?"