Notes:

Rick's speech (and the following dialogue in that scene) in the church is taken straight from the episode! Woohoo. So basically I didn't write that bit. Just the emotions surrounding the words.

Chapter 5:

Jesus did arrive the next morning as Rick had believed, along with a few of his compatriots. He was blatantly ignoring Rick, sidestepping around the Alexandria leader when Rick approached. A snort of frustration escaped him, but he couldn't help the strong sense of adoration and amusement he felt at Paul's antics. His lover was stubborn and strong, two qualities he wouldn't wish away for the world.

He trailed behind Paul as the other man made his rounds. It wasn't as if he hadn't known it, but seeing how popular Jesus was among his people solidified Rick's feelings that he had chosen a perfect partner. His lover was well-liked, favored even, and many of the Alexandrians' faces lit up when he passed by. Like the actual Jesus Christ he thought, a goofy smile finding his face at that.

As they meandered through the center of town, slowly making a path towards the church that their meeting was to be held in, Jesus took a sudden sharp left, heading towards the space between two houses. Rick figured that was his cue to follow, bracing himself for the following interaction.

They were hidden from the street by a prominent bush that had grown lengthy, its shrubby branches trying to touch the building opposite. Dark green leaves cast a cool shadow, shielding them from the summer heat. Rick took another deep breath, watching with trepidation as Jesus turned, staring at him with hard eyes. The two didn't speak for a few seconds, Paul leaning against the structure at his back with arms crossed. Rick shuffled his feet, but didn't break eye contact, forcing himself to be uncomfortable.

It was what he deserved.

"You have something to say to me, Rick?" Of course it would be Paul that would be brave enough to start the conversation. It should have been Rick. His lover's voice was cool, yet he took no offence to the tone.

"I'll never put my hands on you again."

Despite himself, Rick knew, a small smile erupted on Paul's face. "Even when we're in the bedroom?" The tone had lightened, a teasing lilt that comforted Rick immensely.

"Especially then," he joked back, but his voice was strained, his guilt still weighing on him. "Paul, I really am sorry. I should'a never... I can't believe I... I don't deserve you." Tears had started to form, his voice growing rougher and choppier as he spoke. All the words he had practiced in his mind fell away in the face of his lover's calm and loving visage, the shame curling so burningly hot he could hardly stand it.

Paul straightened up, pushing off the wall with a slight arch to his back. He approached slowly and wrapped Rick in a calming hug, the feel of his arms around him so soothing Rick felt as if years of his life had been added in the one touch alone. He didn't deserve this comfort, didn't deserve Paul's forgiveness. The tears started to fall in earnest as his own hands came up, mimicking Paul and grabbing his lover close.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." The mantra became more garbled as he said it, his voice clogging with sorrow.

Jesus rubbed circles into his back, alternating between large and small shapes, all the while cooing to and shushing Rick with gentle words. It was all so unfair. Why was he the one being comforted?

He was talking, not quite realizing what he was saying. Words full of excuses, reasons, justifications. It was insane, but he couldn't stop himself from speaking. "Lori - she was such a good mother - she, she cheated on me with my best friend. I had to kill him. Things were never the same after she slept with him. We never made up before she...she." A hiccup of sobs. Paul already knew all this, had heard the stories in the dead of night as they held one another, every secret laid bare between them. But it felt fresh this time, a catharsis he didn't know he needed. "I don't want to love Daryl. I want to love just you. It's not fair to you. Nothing is fair for you." His hands clenched into the fabric of Paul's shirt tighter, pulling the other man as close as he could get. "He almost died because of me. Because I...I just wouldn't... move." The sobs were still coming, but they were slowing down. Rick managed to choke out, "I don't know how to be good enough for you. I feel so...out of my league. I love you so much." It was the most raw and honest he had ever been. He was so insecure of his relationship with Paul. He feared for it to be over. Yet he couldn't stop making mistakes.

It wasn't until his body had stopped shaking that Paul spoke, his words soft. "We all mess up, Rick. I forgive you. I know Daryl will forgive you. I'm sure Lori forgives you. Your best friend - Shane, right? - he would understand." He ignored Rick's head shaking, his denial of Paul's affirmations. "I love you. More than you know." Paul laughed quietly, kissing Rick gently, a chaste touch that burned in its intensity despite its innocence.

"You're a good man. A strong leader. Brave. Capable." Paul shushed him before he could disagree. "That doesn't excuse your actions, no. But you're sorry - I can tell. Don't do it again. Learn from your mistakes. Move on. It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself." His voice was firmer now, a commanding tone that rivaled Rick's own leader voice.

Rick nodded, pulling away from Jesus and wiping at his eyes. "I really am sorry, Paul. You can stay at the Hilltop as long as you want. I just want you. I mean, I just need you. It doesn't matter where you're at because..." Rick couldn't complete the sappy sentence.

"I'm always here," Jesus finished, digging a pointer finger into Rick's chest, directly where his heart was. A smirk lifted the right side of Paul's mouth.

Rick returned the look before continuing. "I know you would never cheat on me. I don't know why I said it. I guess I thought Lori never would, and then she did and... It's no excuse. I don't understand myself." He hung his head, his teeth grit together with discomfort.

"I know you didn't mean it," Paul assured, though he nodded, accepting the apology. "But thank you. I appreciate it."

"Paul... I... I want you to know I mean it." He raised his gaze so he was looking into his lover's eyes. "I'm going to tell the family about us. They need to know we're together. I want them to know I love you."

He hadn't expected a reaction from the other man. Paul was expressive, but he was skilled in schooling his face in order to hide his feelings when he wanted. But after Rick's words, the happiest of smiles found its way to his lover's mouth. He rushed forward, grabbing Rick's face and smashing their lips together. He pulled away before the kiss could deepen. "That's all that matters, Rick. That you're willing to tell them. You don't have to though."

Rick pulled them back together, deepening the kiss that Jesus had been trying not to. They lingered in that state for several minutes, their tongue tangling together in a familiar dance, their hands mapping each other as if they hadn't in years. When they parted, Paul's cheeks were flushed and Rick's breath was coming out in harsh pants. "I'm going to," he promised, quiet in a conspiratorial way. A devilish smile greeted Paul's grin of delight.

"And we can work with the Hilltop. Maggie hammered out a deal. We're getting food – eggs, butter, fresh vegetables."

His people, his family, stared up at him as he faced them at the head of the church. Serious faces one and all, each filled with a different set of emotions behind it. Rick knew his family was ready for what he was about to say. Would the Alexandrians agree?

"But they're not just giving it away. These Saviors, they almost killed Sasha, Daryl, and Abraham on the road."

The thought brought bile to the back of his throat, at the idea that Daryl could have been taken from him. That some of his family might have been killed. It was panic inducing how many ways there were for a person to meet their end in the new world. Why did people like the Saviors have to exist? Predators that preyed on others when they should have all united together. It was disgusting.

He forced himself to continue like he hadn't been having such morbid thoughts. "Now, sooner or later, they woulda found us, just like those Wolves did, just like Jesus did." His lover's name brought a whole new wave of emotion he couldn't quite decipher. His insecurities hadn't been completely laid to rest despite their most recent heart to heart. But his love for the other man was strong, making it hard to concentrate on anything else. Rick's blood was thrumming with the knowledge that Paul still cared for him, wasn't willing to end their relationship even though Rick had been so stupid. It made him feel drunk with power, and the feeling seeped into his words as he spoke aloud to the group in the church.

"They woulda killed someone or some of us. And then they would try to own us. And we would try to stop them. But by then, in that kind of fight, low on food, we could lose." Terror was a necessary tactic Rick felt no guilt using. It was a fearful reality that he wholeheartedly believed in, and he wasn't going to sugarcoat it for the Alexandrians. They needed to see that his upcoming proposed course of action was the best one.

"This is the only way to be sure, as sure as we can get, that we win. And we have to win. We do this for the Hilltop, it's how we keep this place. It's how we feed this place."

A few in the audience shifted, the pews groaning under their weight. Were they stirring from his words, ready to fight? Or were they uncomfortable, fidgeting with unease? He knew where he stood on the issue, but he wasn't running a dictatorship. So he continued with, "This needs to be a group decision. If anybody objects, here's your chance to say your piece."

For a moment it seemed like no one would object. Rick's eyes scanned the crowd, looking for any that disagreed with his attack plan. The one person he didn't look at should have been the first. A pew in the back moaned as Morgan stood, and Rick didn't miss the way that Daryl turned around, a look of scorn on his face.

"You're sure we can do it? We can beat 'em?"

His friend's tone wasn't necessarily argumentative. More like he was probing, testing. But Rick couldn't risk others siding with Morgan's passive point of view. Gently, but sternly, he answered with, "What this group has done, what we've learned, what we've become, all of us – yes, I'm sure."

"Then all we have to do is just tell em that." Morgan said it like it was so simple, like it would actually work.

He couldn't stop the slight huff of disbelief that escaped, and chided himself for it. He tried not to let his derision seep into his words. "Well they, they don't compromise."

"This isn't a compromise. It's a choice you give em. It's a way out for them and for us."

"We try and talk to the Saviors, we give up our advantage, our safety." Rick was starting to get irritated, once more couldn't help the way his emotions colored his words. "No, we have to come for them before they come for us. We can't leave them alive."

"Where there's life, there's possibility."

Oh for the love of... "Of them hitting us."

"We're not trapped in this. None of you are trapped in this."

This time, Rick's voice came out softer than he intended. "Morgan, they always come back." Why couldn't he understand why they had to do this?

"Come back when they're dead, too." Morgan's own irritation with the situation was finally showing, and Rick felt that was some sort of win for himself. His friend could see that his argument wasn't gaining any traction.

"Yeah, we'll stop them. We have before."

"I'm not talking about the walkers." Morgan's stare would have been intimidating to a lesser man, but instead Rick felt his internal hackles rise at the challenge.

He needed to continue being democratic though. It wouldn't do to be aggressive and make a decision on his own. "Morgan wants to talk to them first. I think that would be a mistake, but it's not up to me. I'll talk to the people still at home. I'll discuss it with the people on guard now, too, but who else wants to approach the Saviors, talk to them first?"

Aaron stood up, almost immediately. "What happened here, we won't let that happen again." He pointedly looked at Morgan. "I won't."

Morgan nodded, sensing his defeat even then.

Aaron nodded at Rick and sat back down. No one else said anything, but Aaron's words seemed to have resonated with the rest of the group.

"Looks like it's settled. We know exactly what this is. We don't shy from it, we live. We kill them all." Morgan had a look on his face that rubbed Rick the wrong way, and he couldn't help it. He just couldn't. He had to add the jab, even though he didn't want to. "We don't all have to kill. But if people are gonna stay here-" he began to walk out of church as he spoke, "they do have to accept it."

Evening fell without further incident. Morgan disappeared, probably to go pout, Rick figured. He tried to ignore the niggling guilt that was hunkered down in the back of his mind. It wasn't like he wanted to kill people. He didn't hanker for blood. But when it came to keeping good people safe, came to keeping his family safe, he would do anything. Why was Morgan so against that?

Andy, a Hilltop scout that Jesus only had praise for, was giving the layout of the compound they planned to attack. Daryl, Glenn, and Maggie were also there, giving opinions and options as they poured over the outline. Rick tried to keep his focus on the strategizing, but he couldn't help but bask in the love he felt for the group that surrounded him. From Glenn, the boy (now man) that had saved his life when he could have just as easily let him die, to Maggie, the farm girl that had turned out to be one of the most strong, passionate, and confident women he had ever had the pleasure to interact with, and Daryl, the rough and rumble hillbilly with a soft and gentle heart at the core. How had he been so lucky? So many had been reduced to nothing during the end of the world. And here he had a better life than before.

He had to do everything in his power to keep these people safe. Shaking his head, he willed his mushy thoughts back. He needed his focus on this. His people needed him.

Finding a walker that looked enough like Gregory to obtain a severed head wasn't actually all that hard. After scavenging, struggling to stay alive, and facing numerous enemies, the task had seemed relatively easy. When Rick had broken the walker's nose to make it look as if there had been a struggle, Andy had made a comment that stuck with Rick. And while he didn't show his pleasure at the words, they mulled over and over in his mind. 'The Saviors are scary but they've got nothing on you'. That was just fine with Rick, to be honest. He needed to be the biggest and the baddest man out there. He didn't want anyone to mess with them anymore.

The waiting game for the coming night did little to settle Rick's nerves. He wasn't necessarily nervous about taking on the compound. His people had succeeded during much more perilous ventures. But there was always the chance a stray bullet could fly. A lone walker could sneak up on them amid the melee. The whole facility could explode for all they knew. Rick knew he was being ridiculous with his fears, but he couldn't help it.

If he were being honest, a part of him was nervous about telling his family about his relationship with Jesus. Rick knew they wouldn't shun him. Sexuality seemed such a trivial issue now that the dead roamed amongst the living. But the societal stigmas from before still remained in his mind, and he felt uncertain, wondering if somehow they would find a way to disapprove of his new mate.

Unlike his former Alexandria romance… His tryst with Jessie had been known to his family but not talked about, and Rick hadn't felt that his choice had been well received. It wasn't that she hadn't been a good person. But Jessie had been weak, and her children equally so. From what he had gathered, his family just hadn't seen the connection between them. Rick figured if anything it was his rebound relationship after Lori. His first girlfriend since his wife had died. Jessie hadn't been that bad considering. She had been gentle and kind, and she had loved her children. She was a good woman. Her death still brought him a fair bit of guilt whenever he remembered her soft eyes and secret smiles. But just like his family had figured before he had, he had realized she wasn't the person for him. Perhaps her death had been a blessing in disguise, for several reasons, morbid as that thought was.

He planned to tell the members of his family in shifts, just in case there was a moment of awkwardness. Or if they decided to blow up and disown him. A grim chuckle escaped, and Rick fidgeted with the handle of his Colt. Tonight was Maggie and Glenn – the first of his family to be told. Rick was fairly certain their reaction would be positive, if not outright happy for him. Jesus was an invaluable ally, a compassionate man, and a very skilled fighter. They balanced each other out, he believed. Especially with the way his hard edges were softened by Jesus. And Maggie especially seemed to have a soft spot for the Hilltop man.

Despite the outcome he anticipated, Rick couldn't stop the roiling in his gut.

Rick found the married pair helping each other suit up, Maggie handing a gun to Glenn with a grim but determined expression. Her husband's expression was strained, holding it together far worse than his wife was. Rick felt nagging guilt tiptoe through his mind. Was he asking too much of Glenn?

"Got a minute?" Rick asked, his voice coming out raspier than he intended.

He didn't startle them, even though their moment had appeared to be private. The pair was far too alert to be caught unawares like that. Maggie turned to him, holstering a knife at her hip as she pivoted. A small smile greeted him, and Rick was thankful for it. Glenn too smiled, but the look was so tense Rick doubted its authenticity.

"Sure honey," Maggie said, absently twining her fingers with Glenn's.

He didn't even realize he was running his hand through his hair in his nervous tick until his hand was returning to his side. "Uh… It ain't a big deal. Just thought you should know is all." He went for nonchalant, but he could feel their interest piquing at his words. They knew Rick didn't just speak to fill the silence. Whatever he had to say would be something to pay attention to.

Glenn shared a sidelong gaze with Maggie. "Yeah sure. What is it, Rick?" his friend asked, also playing at indifference. Rick's heart swelled for the two in front of him. They could sense his unease, were trying their darndest to calm him down, while also obviously so very curious. He knew they wouldn't press him though. It almost made it easier to spit it out somehow.

"I just wanted you to know that Jesus and I… Well, Paul and I are together." He chanced a look at them, but their faces had remained impassive. So he clarified with, "As in…dating."

Maggie was the first to react, and her smile was anything but forced. She untangled her fingers from Glenn and approached him, enveloping Rick in an easy hug. "Kinda figured somethin' was up with ya. You've been acting nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs," she whispered, holding him tight. He chuckled at the expression, and returned the hug, seeking the comfort she was so willing to offer.

His eyes had closed as he enjoyed the embrace and he was startled when a hand settled on his shoulder. Rick looked to his right and there stood Glenn, a true smile greeting him when he looked. The tension was still there, but in the face of his admission the easygoing expression that was usually there was back. "Good for you, Rick," he said lowly, squeezing his shoulder as he said it.

"How'd it happen?" Maggie asked as she finally released him from her embrace. A mischievous grin lit up her face, and when she shared a look with Glenn it was full of conspiratorial glee. Rick tried to ignore the implications of that.

His hand was back in his hair again. "Well uh… He approached me about it. Just sorta happened." He could feel his face heating up. It wasn't that he was embarrassed of their relationship, but it felt so odd to be interrogated about it.

"So Jesus initiated," she asked, but it didn't truly seem like there was a question behind it.

"Well Rick could have been putting out vibes," Glenn groused, crossing his arms. The anger was more of a pout than any temper behind the words.

His face could not possibly be getting any more red. "We had a conversation or two and it just kind of got brought up," Rick blurted. "I mean, I never knew that I could be with a man until…" Realizing his almost slip-up, Rick stopped himself. "Well it just had never crossed my mind before Paul and I talked. He uh…opened up my horizons I guess."

Maggie's eyes glittered dangerously. "You sure it was just Paul that-" but she got cut off with an 'oomph' when Glenn elbowed her somewhat forcefully in the side.

"Maggie," he hissed, eyes wide.

Rick glanced between the two, not sure whether he was more mortified by Maggie's gleeful smile or Glenn's humiliated grimace. "I just thought you should know," he finished lamely. "I haven't told anyone else yet," he added.

In an instant, all of Maggie's joking was gone. She was serious once more, and her hand leapt out to grab onto his. "Thank you for telling us, Rick. We really are happy for you. He's a great man." Glenn nodded, obviously of the same opinion.

Eyes glistening, Rick felt his heart begin to beat faster with the contentment. This was unconditional love. They were happy for him and only wished him the best. Why hadn't he told them sooner?

"Thank you," he murmured, surreptitiously wiping at his eyes.

"So uh…when are you going to tell Daryl?" Glenn asked after a moment. The younger man shuffled his feet, clearly uncomfortable with the question.

Rick felt confusion flare up. Why Daryl specifically? And right after the misunderstanding came nausea. Oh Daryl. How could he ever tell Daryl? "I don't know," he admitted slowly, uncertain what Glenn was getting at. "Not sure how well he'll take it."

Maggie was staring at Glenn with an annoyed pout, but at Rick's words she turned to the lawman. "Don't worry about it at all. He'll take it just fine. Tell him. You'll feel better when you do."

He seriously doubted that, but he couldn't say that to her. So instead, he answered with a lame, "I hope so."