Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto.
Edit 6-15-17: I fixed a few minor errors that were bothering me.
A cloud of dread loomed over the present members of the Akatsuki. Come hell or high water, they had persevered, baring their fangs till the bitter ends. Death, it seemed, was the only thing that could ever destroy their wills.
Death and, every so often, Deidara.
"You're a fool, Deidara," Itachi muttered, eyes closed and fingers rubbing his temple. As the insult echoed throughout their hideout, it brought along with it another onslaught of groans and complaints from the distraught criminals.
"I can't believe you," Konan commented, speaking more to them now than she'd ever had during their first try at life. "All those years I've spent reflecting on our deeds, only to have our one chance at correcting our mistakes be screwed over by Deidara."
"Since this is all his doing, can't we just pin everything on him?" Kisame suggested, grinning despite the somber mood.
"You can't just blame me for everything! Besides, the situation isn't even that bad!" Deidara argued, attempting to defend himself, but it fell on deaf ears as it was followed by a pained groan from the source of all their misery. Try as he might, nothing changed the fact that Gaara was still bleeding out on their floor.
"Isn't even that bad?" Sasori repeated, baffled at his partner's willful ignorance to the direness of their situation. "Isn't even that bad? The Kazekage is on the floor of our stereotypically evil-looking lair, and he's squirming in pain because you blew him up. In what world does that not qualify us as screwed, Deidara?"
"It can be fixed?" he offered with a sheepish grin.
"I don't even want to know how you think we can manage that." Sasori could already feel the headache he was going to get from hearing Deidara's solution, and he didn't even have a real head.
"Just hear me out, guys."
Nagato sighed. "Yes, Deidara?"
"Let's just give him back! It'll be no harm, no foul. We might even get on Suna and Konoha's good side if we do." The blond's face looked so smug that the Akatsuki members were nearly swayed by his confidence. Then they actually comprehended what he said.
"Yeah right. As if we can do that," Kisame snorted, then paused. "Wait, why can't we do that?"
"Because there was harm, and there will be foul. I mean, we shot him out of the sky," Sasori offered.
"And two years ago, we attacked Konoha and tried kidnapping Naruto, too," Itachi continued, pausing as he sensed that he forgot something. "I'm also why the Uchiha clan no longer exists in this world."
"Our assassination missions are why half of the collapsed countries in this world are collapsed in the first place," Konan chimed in.
"And the other half collapsed due to my meddling in their economies," Kakuzu confessed.
"And that, Deidara, is why we can't just give him back," Nagato finished.
"But we've changed," Deidara insisted, intent on having his comrades take his suggestion seriously. There was, he swore, logic to his idea, albeit it may have been hard to find.
The other members quieted, and he took that as his cue to take the floor.
"I mean, look around!" He gestured grandly at everyone, then focused in on his red-haired partner first. "Sasori, I no longer get the creeps from just seeing you! Your puppets might send chills down my spine sometimes, but you don't as an individual—at least, not as much as you used to, un!"
Sasori raised an eyebrow at the poorly worded compliment but refrained from commenting further. If Deidara went around the room in this fashion, he'd already get more than enough backlash from everyone else.
"Itachi!" The Uchiha gave the blond a bored stare as his name was called. "You still look as uncaring as ever, but you haven't glanced at any of us as if we're beneath you yet! In fact, if I squint a little, you look kinda approachable, un."
"I only gave you that look," Itachi clarified, but his words went unheard of by the blond.
"Kisame!" He faltered when he was met with a terrifyingly toothy grin, but nevertheless went through with his circle of insults. "I don't fear for my wellbeing everytime you smile anymore, and I no longer think you're a human-shark hybrid either, but man is your mug still hard to look at," he laughed.
The blue man laughed along with him, but his hand suspiciously brushed against Samehada's grip as he reached behind him to 'scratch his back.'
"Konan!" The lavender-haired woman stiffened at the familiar way Deidara was addressing her. "I didn't even know you could feel emotions, un!"
"That wasn't even a compli—"
"Kakuzu." The masked man gave him a small nod of acknowledgement. "You've only mentioned money once this entire time, and—call me crazy for thinking so—but I think you were saying a joke when you brought it up too! I didn't think that was possible for you. You were totally devoid of humor the first time around!"
"Leader, you look totally defenseless! Konoha wouldn't think twice of it if you stayed in their village."
Nagato was a man of peace—at least, he was now, anyways—but it admittedly took a few seconds of calmed breathing for him to not resort to his six-paths. Turning Deidara into a piece of modern art splattered against their wall sounded more and more tempting as he went on.
"And Hidan! You've changed the most, un! You're so quiet I don't think you've even talked once—" Deidara froze in place as he turned to face the spot where Hidan usually stood. The area was unmistakably devoid of their local crude maniac. "Uh, where's our satanist?"
"He's a Jashinist," Kakuzu corrected, "and that's what I was trying to explain to everyone before you dragged the Kazekage in. Hidan's missing. In fact, a lot of people are missing. Hidan. Zetsu. Tob—nevermind the last one. That may be a blessing in disguise. "
Now everyone had snapped their heads to catch a glimpse of the vacant spots their comrades had once occupied. As the emptiness registered in everyone's mind, the horrified reactions rolled in.
"Hidan's missing?" Konan gasped, looking as if she were one more piece of bad news away from sprouting her paper wings and flying back up to the heavens of her own accord. Her voice rose a pitch higher as she repeated the name. "Hidan?"
"Yes," Kakuzu needlessly confirmed. "Hidan's missing."
"And why, pray tell, weren't we informed of this earlier?" Nagato asked, looking a little queasy.
Kakuzu shrugged. "I figured someone would notice after we went a couple hours without him screaming obscenities."
"Great. We're the perpetrators of an elaborate terrorist plot that involved kidnapping the Kazekage, and we've set an immortal spree killer on the loose. Absolutely fantastic. I'm sure the hidden villages will welcome us with open arms now. Don't you agree, Deidara?"
"Sasori, I liked it better when you didn't talk so much, un."
"Quiet, you two. Before we end up being the cause of our own undoing, let's try to figure out where Hidan could be," Nagato commanded, effectively shutting up the two bickering artists. (He might have momentarily neared the state of Nirvana, but that didn't mean he was any less terrifying.)
"Perhaps… he wasn't brought back with us?" Konan suggested.
"Why would the idiot not be brought—"
Kisame's dismissal of her idea was cut short by Itachi. "He was immortal. He never died." He paused to factor in everything else. "It's not to say that he wasn't brought back, though. If we're to go off of the assumption that souls exist, then it's safe to say that our souls were transported back in time. His soul never left his body—"
"So he's probably wherever he was when he was last alive," Nagato completed Itachi's sentence for him, sighing as he nodded in confirmation. "It looks like Deidara's idea may be our only viable option after all."
"In what world?" Sasori dubiously asked.
"Hah! I knew you would come around, Leader-sama!" Deidara snickered. Then the gloating came to an end as he cocked his head to the side. "Wait, why are you coming around to my idea, Leader-sama?"
Nagato appeared to be genuinely disturbed with having to voice his begrudging agreeance to Deidara's plan. "Giving back the Kazekage and getting on Konoha's good side is probably the only way to get to Hidan."
"Eh? Why, un?"
"Because the last place any of us saw him was in—"
"The Nara clan's forest," Kakuzu finished grimly, looking more dejected than he would've been if he had lost the entirety of his slowly amassed fortune.
For a moment, Sasori seemed to be frozen in place—utterly baffled by how unfortunate transcending death could be. At this point, their time travel fiasco seemed more like a punishment rather than a second chance. As he mulled over his likely fate this time around, he promptly began to walk towards the exit of their den.
"Sasori," Nagato began, his voice dangerously low. "Where do you think you're going?"
"Oh, I was just going to go dig us proper graves this time. Maybe purchase some flowers for all of us? How do white lilies sound to you guys?" he snapped, giving the Akatsuki's residential airhead-blond a look of disdain. "The second the Kazekage wakes up and points out the fact that that imbecile over there is the one who kidnapped him, we're all as good as dead anyways, so why not prepare in advance?"
As if on cue, Gaara stirred, and he began to awake.
It was a scene fit for the big screen; a slight breeze gently blew his cardinal locks to the side, revealing a hopeful glimmer in his slowly opening, dazzling, emerald-green eyes. If one had strained their ears, a soft melody could almost be heard playing in the background as Suna's savior regained consciousness. He looked so tender—so benevolent—that the Akatsuki almost believed he would bestow upon them a second chance. Surely such a serene boy could not bare a grudge—not even against the most wicked of beings.
And then Nagato raised his hand, and Gaara was swiftly smashed against the cave wall.
"Leader!" the room—even the ever so unperturbed Itachi—chorused, watching the boy, once again, become as limp as a ragdoll.
Nagato looked at them in annoyance.
"Y-Yahiko? Is that you? Finally, I've joined you on the other side. How sad that our team may only be reunited by death. Perhaps we can have one more meal with Jiraiya-sensei now, Yahiko. Truth be told, I've always yearned to return to those simple days," Konan mumbled to the blank wall beside her, delirious from the shock of seeing their last hope crumble.
"Relax, Konan. All has not been lost yet," Nagato assured her, but the rest of the people present begged to differ.
"Have you gone mad, Nagato?" Itachi asked, completely serious with his inquiry.
"And you guys thought I had fucked the whole situation up!" Deidara cackled, but he seemed more hysterical than amused.
"You're all overreacting," their leader snapped, but no one cared to listen.
"Overreacting, he says. Did you all hear that? Leader says we're overreacting about our second assault on the Kazekage," Sasori said to no one in particular, simply reiterating the events to test whether or not he had accidentally consumed a hallucinogen. He, evidently, hadn't. "Overreacting."
"The Kazekage can't be conscious for this," Nagato justified.
"We can't exactly keep him unconscious forever though, and when he does wake up…" Deidara winced at just the thought of the imminent repercussions.
"Well… what if he just doesn't wake up?" Kisame asked, pulling the wrap off of Samehada.
"If you want to avoid Konoha's wrath, be quiet," Nagato demanded, finally at his wit's end.
Konan stopped speaking to Yahiko's spirit, Itachi stopped giving Nagato the same look he often gave Deidara, Sasori stopped mocking Nagato's words, Deidara stopped his maniacal laughter, and Kisame put away his sword. (Kakuzu was still handling things rather well.)
Nagato gave his twentieth exhausted sigh. "Thank you."
"So… what are we going to do, un?"
"Give back the Kazekage when Konoha's reinforcements show up," he replied matter-of-factly as if it were the simplest thing in the world.
"But we just… knocked him out… again…" Deidara trailed off, not sure if his leader had actually lost his mind, or if he was just slow. (In reality, most of the Akatsuki were just as lost as their pyromaniac, but no one wanted to admit to being just as confused as him.)
"Deidara, it was dark out when your twin brother kidnapped the Kazekage, correct?" Nagato asked, and now the Akatsuki members were really sure he had gone off his rocker.
"I don't… have a twin brother."
"You do now."
"Un?" Deidara was so bewildered that he had forgotten to put a sentence before his signature grunt. "I mean, 'what?'"
The rest of the criminals were beginning to catch on.
"Incredible… it's so stupid that it just might work." Sasori shook his head.
"I suppose we should at least give it a try," Itachi conceded.
"I can't believe we're doing this," Konan grumbled, but she looked significantly more composed now that they had a semi-solid plan.
"But the similarities between Deidara and his brother are too uncanny," Kakuzu pointed out.
"It's uncanny because I don't have a brother, and I'm the one who kidnapped the Kazekage, un. What are you all going on about? Have you guys gone nuts?"
"It was dark when we infiltrated Suna, Leader," Sasori answered Nagato, ignoring Deidara's dumbfounded questions. "I'm sure no one remembers his appearance all that well."
"Excellent. So his long-haired brother—" Nagato faltered, not sure of what name to give their make-believe scapegoat.
"Seidara?" Konan proposed.
"...Yes, his long-haired brother, Seidara, had conspired against Suna. Deidara, being the good samaritan that he is, valiantly fought against his brother in order to rescue the Kazekage, and we, his fellow good samaritan comrades, aided him." Nagato turned to their new last hope, his eyes glittering. "How does that sound, Deidara?"
The keystone piece to their plot had finally caught on. "Do you really think the hidden villages are that stupid? How would we even sell the fact that I'm not Seidara?"
"Well Deidara, being the law-abiding citizen that he is, obviously has short hair. Only hoodlums like Seidara have long hair. Isn't that right, Deidara?" Konan looked at Deidara with—were those scissors?—in her eyes.
"You guys… can't possibly… think this will work?" His voice got weaker as he found no ally in the room. He attempted to back away from his newfound enemies, only to find he had trapped himself against a wall.
"This is the least you can do, Deidara," Sasori spoke coldly.
More unified than they had ever been, the Akatsuki stepped towards him in unison, closing him in. With malicious glints in their eyes, they looked even eviler than they had seemed the first time around.
Deidara's shrill scream was drowned out by the abnormally loud snipping of make-shift scissors.
I giggled an absurd amount of times while writing this chapter. If you guys haven't noticed, this isn't supposed to be a super serious fic (though there will be a plot and there will be serious moments sprinkled in).
Did you guys like the chapter? :D If you did, please, please leave a review. As an author it's a bit shameful to admit, but honestly whenever I don't feel like writing, reading your guys' reviews is what gives me the motivation to do so anyways.
As always, have a great day!~