Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto
When prospects are low, go with the flow.
Ignoring the incredulous cries of some of their would-be killers from a past life, the Akatsuki walked back towards their hideout with utmost ease. If you were to overlook the damp walls, the raging river, and the eerie echo, it'd be easy to mistake their casual stroll for a walk through the park.
"Are they… Are they trying to escape?" Neji asked, at a loss for words.
"They aren't exactly… running," Kakashi commented, not sure if it was morally right to attack men with their backs turned. Would that, too, make him trash? Would it make him worse than trash?
"What are you idiots doing? Go after them!" Tenten snapped, but she, too, was wavering. Was that even the Akatsuki? Surely, if it had been the notorious group, they would've attacked, right? Clearly they had the advantage if they were all together, right?
Gaara remained in place. It was true that the Akatsuki were unguarded and could've easily been taken out in that moment, but he'd be damned before he'd step another inch towards what seemed to be an infectious bout of stupidity.
Naruto seethed at his comrades. "Look what you've done! You guys have gone and scared them off!"
"What are you talking about, Naruto? With that many of them here, we should've been the ones to have been scared off by them," Kakashi cried incredulous, not understanding why his former student was so outraged at the Akatsuki's exit. "Didn't we just save you from them anyhow?
"No." Tears began to flow. As if he were the emotional, angsty teen protagonist of a cliche novel about one breaking out of their parents' clutches, Naruto spoke the next line with utmost in his tone. "They saved me from you."
Before anyone could comment on just how absurd the accusation was, Naruto was long gone, having decided to chase after his new found friends.
In the cave, the Akatsuki, too, were lost in another moment of absurdity.
"Shouldn't we go back and try to sell the whole Seidara thing to them, un?"
"Perhaps if we all pretend that our strange method of retreating is a normality, the Kazekage's rescue team will come to believe that they're the ones who've lost their minds," Itachi hummed thoughtfully, earning an annoyed side glance from his comrades for his subtle insinuation that the Akatsuki were the ones who had gone crazy. Had he missed the part where Konoha ordered the mass execution of an entire founding clan? Or when one of its highest ranked nin implanted fuckin' eyes into his arm?
"Hey! We might've once been a group of indisputably criminally insane assholes, but we've turned over a new leaf, goddamn it!" Deidara snapped, shooting daggers at his foe-turned-somewhat-of-a-friend. "If anyone here could be considered remotely off of their rockers, it'd be the goddamned Konoha nin behind us! There's Hidan too, but he's a little busy being a literal piece of shit and fertilizing Konoha's forests, so he doesn't count."
"Hidan wasn't that bad. Without his killings, we'd have gone bankrupt ages ago," Kakuzu pointed out.
"To hell with money. Maybe if we had been bankrupt, we wouldn't have had the means to walk into our deaths in the way that we did," Konan muttered to herself.
"I'm starting to think death would be a privilege if it means getting away from you idiots," Kisame snorted, being the pot that was calling his fellow kettles, pans, and other varying kitchen appliances black.
The bickering might've evolved into another round of unintentional warfare between the Akatsuki members had they not been interrupted by the same blond who had led them to their graves decades ago.
"Oi, Akatsuki guys! Hold up!" The sound of sandals slapping against the dampened ground resounded throughout the cave.
They sped up.
Collectively, they braced themselves for what looked to be imminent death. They were certain that the killing blow would be dealt in just a few seconds—a swift end to their brief lives. There was no use fighting back, though. They had forsaken their resolve to spite the world long, long ago—the whole dying and spending a decade or so meditating thing could do that to a person.
In truth, all they wanted was to live somewhat peaceful lives, but it was being proven to have been a silly dream from the very start. Shinobi whose hands had been sullied with the blood of so many innocents had no right to have their sins washed away.
And their sins weren't washed away.
In the end, what ended up being washed away was the Akatsuki themselves.
In his hurry to catch up with his newfound friends, Naruto had recklessly created fifty or so shadow clones, overcrowding the cave and sending the group tumbling into the waters. By the time it registered in their heads, they'd already gotten caught up in the current—they were rusty at this ninja bullshit, goddamnit!
Shinobi weren't supposed to be underwater. They did fine and dandy when they were walking on it, but being stuck in it? That was a whole other story.
The Akatsuki were, if they weren't already before, screwed.
Without full control over their chakra reserves and how much they released in a single jutsu, one wrong move from any of them could spell out a third death for all of them. Acting rashly wasn't an option, and so, the Akatuski found themselves pulled under the water, sputtering and coughing and making a goddamn fool out of themselves.
If someone were to tell Nagato that one day he'd be rescued from drowning by Konoha's forces, he would've called them crazier than him—a feat rather hard to accomplish considering he was once delusional enough to try to become God—but as it had proven time and time again, Fate was, if anything, unpredictable.
What little distance they had created between themselves and the Konoha nin diminished as the river brought them right back to where they started. Clearly able to discern that the Akatsuki were struggling to find a way out of the waters without killing themselves in the process, the Konoha nin—with their ever-so-eager-to-help hearts—dove in after them.
"Don't give up on me yet, guys!" Naruto's clones chorused as they entered the river.
"Naruto…" Kakashi trailed off, used to his disciples reckless behavior. The silver haired man sighed before kicking off his sandals—if the student's role was to careless, then the sensei's job was to aid in whatever mess was created through that carelessness.
As the splash made by Kakashi's entrance into the water was seen, Gai piped up. "If my rival will jump into these waters, then as will I!"
"Ah, I see! We're going to save the Akatsuki? Redeeming the villains is certainly a youthful thing to do!" Lee exclaimed before he followed his sensei in.
Neji and Tenten exchanged a sidelong glance as they resolved to do as their odd sensei did. It was, after all, the duty of a student to make sure that their ever so comically moronic counterparts remained alive.
Gaara took a half second to stare at them, then began walking in the general direction of Suna. He was the goddamned Kazekage for Kami's sake, he didn't have time for their shenanigans.
Only then, as the Akatsuki were dragged out of the waters by nin who they had once sworn to destroy, did they realize just how insanely their situation was being skewed.
Screw ruining the universe. At the level of absurdity that they were heading towards, they might as well have gone and raged a war against God himself.
When the sheepish criminals were finally all fished out of the river, embarrassed thank-yous chorused from the drenched group. They might not have been raised the best of times, but they sure as hell were raised somewhat right. At the very least, they knew when a thank you was well overdue. After all, the people in front of them—as long as the Akatsuki's new hero role didn't screw things up too badly—would eventually end up saving the world.
For a brief moment—though it was a stretch if they'd ever seen one—the two groups seemed almost at peace with one another. Perhaps it was due to a sense of comradery from their rescue effort, or even partially influenced by Naruto's naivety. It was a miracle; it was beautiful, truly. It was, in fact, plenty of things.
It was also—once they realized they were missing two very important people—short lived.
"Has anyone seen Hinata-sama?"
"Where the hell did Sasori go, un?"
The two questions were asked at the exact same time as the circles regrouped among themselves.
"Didn't Hinata-chan say something about going ahead of all of us to find Naruto-kun?"
"Didn't Sasori say something shady about staying behind to put an end to some unfinished business of some sort?"
Questions that came in response, too, were voiced at the same time.
Collectively, horror dawned on both parties.
They replied to their respective questions together. "We need to go to the hideout."
Faster than they had run after their driftwood of a Kazekage, and faster than they had sped walked away from Konoha's greatest idiots, the Akatsuki made their way back through the caves. Behind them, Konoha's nin followed closely, looking just as distraught over the idea of their motherfuckin' Hyuuga Heiress occupying the same room as a man who made dolls out of corpses.
What they saw as they neared the lair was even more horrific than anything that their feeble imaginations could possibly conjure. In terms of things that came as a surprise to the Akatsuki, getting rescued by Konoha's forces paled in comparison to what they walked in on.
"So you're telling me," Sasori started, already sounding incredulous before his sentence was even said, "that you've been fawning over the kid for what—a decade? And that brat hasn't acknowledged you in the slightest? He sounds like a complete moron. And your cousin, sheesh. Now there's a hardass if I've ever seen one."
"I know! Isn't it just awful, Sasori-san?" Hinata's delicate voiced sounded more enthusiastic than they had ever heard it. "Ah, but your situation sounds even more strenuous on the mind. A reckless man who just blows things up on a whim? An edgy man who could put even Sasuke-san to shame with his mysterious aura and a burden that weighs down on him more than anything such humble people as we could ever dream of? No wonder you've learned which brand of green tea is best for soothing one's soul!"
The two sat at a comfortable distance from each other, holding warmed cans of green tea in their hands and leaning in to show interest as the other spoke. If any passerby who just so happened to be in the base of a nation-toppling criminal organization saw them, they'd surely mistake them for a pair of lifelong friends.
"They really are stupid, aren't they?" Sasori hummed thoughtfully as he took a sip.
"They really are!" Hinata nodded fervently to show her agreeance.
The rest of the Akatsuki, and their accompanying Konoha nin, were shellshocked as they stared at the friendly duo. Never, in all three of their lives, had the Akatsuki seen their local puppeteer look so okay with socializing with someone, and the Konoha shinobi were just as surprised to see their ever so docile heiress act so unreserved.
"Aren't they just insulting us, un?" Deidara asked.
"They indeed are, Deidara-san," Neji replied, suddenly on good terms with the boisterous blond.
"I wonder who Hinata-chan is talking about! Whoever the guy is that she has a crush on is a dumbass," Naruto laughed.
Gai and Kakashi exchanged looks, their two decade-long friendship having given them the ability to practically read each other's minds. Without saying a word, they backtracked in the pathway that the odd group had originally come from.
Team Gai's telepathic communication abilities were a little less refined than their sensei's. Though the ideas they had were more often the same than not, they had to voice them aloud just to be extra sure.
"They're heading back towards Suna, right?" Tenten asked Neji, the only teammate of hers that was still present due to Lee not giving a damn as to where he was as long as Gai-sensei was there with him.
"Yep."
The two started in the direction that the rest of their team had gone.
The Akatsuki, too, began their own psychic chat. Reaching the same conclusion, they called after the strange lot whose company they had decided was much more preferable to the strange shittalking show they were being forced to watch.
"Oi, Konoha! You have room for a half a dozen more on the way back?"
I seriously have so much writing this fanfic lmao. I truly believe that if the Akatsuki and Konoha nin were born in a different time, they wold've gotten along just fine. Sasori and Hinata being the iconic gossiping duo that they are made me giggle while writing it lol.
Did you guys like the chapter? Did it make you laugh? Don't worry, there will be a plot that'll slowly unravel. Just be patient and enjoy the comedy right now, my dear readers! Also, hooray, we're so close to 100 followers!
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