A/N: Hiya everyone! Not getting much feedback except from Dragon (thank you for that btw), so it would be awesome if someone could pipe in. Maybe just say how you like something or dislike something? Despite the ideas I have already, ya'll commenting on certain things helps me decide if I'm going to keep something a certain way or not, or decide whether or not to go down road A or road B. If you're not the reviewing type, I respect that and thank you for reading. Anyway, uh... more interesting things to come!
The introduction of Ceras went well enough. Finally they got the name of Mina's 'twin'. All seemed pretty calm now. Mina stood quietly by Varric's fireplace as everyone talked and laughed. She didn't know why it bothered her so much that Garrett seemed so interested in Ceras. She had Anders, and was happy about that. He gave her much attention and they shared sweet moments. And yet... she felt like he was getting colder toward her. More often lately he'd spent time with his mages and come back to the clinic late. She'd stopped staying there as much and he didn't seem to care. Was he bored with her? Was it because she wouldn't...? No. She shook the thoughts from her head. She refused to think that Anders wanted her for sex. She'd never had someone special to her, nor had she ever been intimate with someone. He didn't seem like the men that the older women in the shelters had told her about. She sat down cross legged and stared at the flames that were slowly engulfing the scorched logs. Anders had left early, seeming somewhat uninterested in the strange development that was Ceras. She wondered why. Was there something bothering him? Was it an emergency? Why didn't he ask her for help? Again she thought she was being paranoid. He was just worried because things were getting worse between Meredith and Orsino.
Those two daft bastards just wouldn't talk nicely. Since Garrett stopped showing his face, they'd had free reign to tear at each other's throats. Grand Cleric Elthina had stopped them a handful of times, but it did nothing to salvage the situation or make peace. Mina sighed for what felt like the hundredth time. Fenris put a hand on her head and ruffled her hair. She looked up at him with a frown and tried to fix her hair that was always in the way. It was time for a haircut. 'Anders likes my hair long,' she thought before pushing the thought away.
"You're sitting here and it's quite depressing," he said, joining her on the carpeted floor. It wasn't often that they got to talk just them anymore. She enjoyed the sense of realism Fenris had about him. He brought her a new perspective when all she could see was the craziness from Varric or Izzy. Merril was no help, and Aveline was always busy. Bethany was understandably hard to see.
"Sorry," she mumbled and bumped shoulders with him. He smiled a little and bumped her back. Her brothers. How could she go on without them? Completely different, but both great men. They sat there in silence, listening to Varric chatting with Aveline, and Merril's endless questions for Ceras while Isabela added a quip and drank everything alcoholic within sight, while keeping it away from Hawke. Hawke joined in with Merril once it was made clear that he wasn't allowed to drink. Mina scowled and looked at her feet.
"I can't help but notice that you seem upset about something. Hawke maybe? Or Anders?" he whispered. He understood the need for privacy more than anyone else in their group. She gave him a look that said she would rather not talk about it where Varric had even the slightest chance to hear them. They both got up and waved goodbye to everyone. Varric raised an eyebrow suspiciously. He saw something in her eyes and knew she was upset as well. She smiled reassuringly then kissed the top of Hawke's head in farewell. He looked up at her and smiled a small smile. Ceras looked alarmed that she was leaving. Mina held no dislike for her. In fact, she felt oddly drawn to her in a way; like there was something important to be explained. To ease the woman's nerves she whispered to her, "Don't worry, I'm sure we'll see each other again. I do live here now. I'm just going to talk to my brother a while. Enjoy the company of the Champion~!"
Trying to hide her nervous heart, she danced over to Fenris and took his arm with a sly smirk. It was her trademark to be trouble. It was hardwired into her brain to act rebellious. Especially when she felt uncomfortable or sad.
The two Elves walked in the brisk early evening air in comfortable silence for a good while. They'd made it to the outskirts of Kirkwall before she decided to talk. Fenris knew she needed time to gather her thoughts.
"So... I know you hate Anders with a passion; any mage for that matter, but I do care for him very much," she began.
He snorted, leading her down a trail to the forest they often visited when they sparred, "That much was obvious, da'assan." She smiled at his nickname for her. He'd coined it the day she'd finally hit the target in the barracks. Aveline had wanted her to train with a weapon instead of just fighting bare handed. She was still pretty awesome at hand-to-hand combat. No one expected it!
"Shut it, you!" she snipped back playfully, "That wasn't what I was going to tell you. I was going to say that I think there's something wrong. He's been acting more... Justice-y. He's been cold to me lately and I don't know why."
Fenris stopped and grabbed her by the shoulders. His face was a storm of emotions for just a second, then just angry like usual. "Did you give him your body? I swear if he took that from you and then..." He growled with a primal tone. "I swear I will rip his lungs out so he suffocates. A slow death like he deserves."
Mina's eyes widened in horror. Fenris was really upset by this. Even more than she was, which was odd to her. Shouldn't she be distraught over it? She didn't think too much about it.
"Fenris, no. Maker, no. I'm still pure, if that's what you're worried about." Her cheeks were aflame. He'd thought the same thing she did earlier and she felt guilty about it. Satisfied, Fenris let her go and they continued to walk. The trees began to get thicker around them. It instantly became darker, but they knew the way well. There was a clearing with a river and a miniature waterfall not far ahead. Mina could already hear the water flowing. It made her feel a small semblance of calm in her somersaulting heart. Nature in this world seemed so much more enchanting. It seemed more alive than she'd ever felt. It might've been because she was an Elf, but she didn't feel very Elf-y.
They sat above the waterfall on the far side of the river. The rocks were grey and covered in moss and dirt, but proved good enough seats for them on multiple occasions. Birds sang overhead, saying goodnight as the sun sank down below the horizon. It wouldn't be dark for another hour or so. Mina hated the dark. At least having Fenris with her made it not so bad.
"You're worried that he's become uninterested in you because the spirit is overwhelming him? He's been an abomination for a while now. He's not been just Anders as long as you've known him. As long as any of us have known him. I don't want to hurt you, da'assan, but..." he trailed off and looked at her sadly, letting his feet dangle in the cold, clear water. Mina could feel the tears welling up in her eyes. She tried to force them away by watching the little fish swimming. It did not work.
"Fenris... I can feel it starting to hurt. I... I don't like this feeling. It did matter so much before, but..." she stopped when her voice broke. Tears started to fall. He nodded. He understood what was going on in her head.
"You have hidden feelings for Hawke. I know. But, you feel he's interested in Ceras, so you're pushing them away. Your heart is focused on Anders... and it's breaking." She nodded, unable to speak. He hugged her with one arm. She knew too much contact with another person hurt him, so she was glad for the small comfort he offered.
"I would... not let it bother you too much. He has not broken it off. You are worrying over something that has not yet come to pass. It may not come to pass." Even as he said it, she knew he didn't believe it. He had no faith in the mage, and only wanted her to feel better. She didn't. She knew deep in her heart, her breaking heart, that she'd be without him before long. It hurt her more than she expected it to. The feelings she'd had for Hawke made her longing for Anders a dull ache. But by burying those futile feelings, she'd uncovered the pain of being alone again. Though, it wasn't so bad as before. She had friends; her own mismatched family. But, no one to call hers. She hated her mutinous mind so much. Why did she have to think about Garrett like she did? Couldn't she just forget those stupid feelings? She could try to get Anders to open up a little more about the mages. They seemed to be taking over his life anymore. She didn't dislike them, just the affect they had on him.
"We should get back, Fen," she sniffled, "It's getting dark..." He gave her a look for the nickname but helped her up. She hardly ever called him by anything except his name.
On the way back, she was surprised to hear him ask her to do her 'sound trick'. He still thought it magic, but she hadn't showed any other signs of magic, so he didn't think it evil at the very least. She happily obliged, as music was something she often took comfort in. She decided to 'play' something she thought he'd like. Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata and Fur Elise.
It was late when she walked into her room at the Hanged Man. She was tired from crying and walking. She didn't notice the figure sitting on her bed and turned to go to it when she jumped, seeing Anders sitting there.
"Oh, jeeze! Anders you scared the shit out of me!" she shrieked walking over to him. He just looked at her with a deep frown on his face. A knot formed in her stomach.
'No... no, please. Not yet,' she begged whoever was out there. It was a silent prayer to the Maker or the Creators, or whatever was watching over them. She sat down beside him and put her hand in his. He squeezed it gently and looked at her with those sad eyes of his. They were more glowy than usual. Justice. Mina swallowed hard.
"A-are you ok?" she asked quietly. She knew the answer and dreaded what he would say.
"Mina, I needed to talk to you. I wasn't sure where you were, so..." he took a breath and took her face in his hands. He looked so sad. That was all Mina kept thinking. Just plain sad and defeated. She couldn't muster up a reply, so she waited for him continue to those terrible words. Those awful words she never wanted to hear.
"I can't... I can't do this to you anymore. You are important to me, yes, but things are dangerous. I can't drag you into that... There cannot be an us anymore. I-I'm sorry." He trembled as he said it. It wasn't fair. He wasn't supposed to be upset about it! He was supposed to be ok with it and be a jerk so she could hate him easier!
The calm was a facade. She was numb for the moment and had to get him out of there before she lost control. She simply nodded and walked to the door. She felt nothing. Not the cold of her hand as she gripped it too tightly, nor the pain in her chest as she held her breath; not the warmth of the fires coming from the other rooms that drifted in. She just looked at Anders with empty eyes.
"Ok," she said. It was monotone and lifeless. Her voice was flat and dead. "Anders, I would like you to leave now. I'm tired and need to sleep. You... you need to go back to the clinic just in case someone needs you."
He walked over to her and gave her one last hug which she didn't return. He sighed and left her standing there, not yet broken, but not fully herself. She closed the door softly and went back to her bed. It was only then did she fall apart. She curled up on her bed, shaking with rage. That was all he had to say?! There was nothing more? Just the lame excuse that he wanted to protect her? From what?! Mina cried for hours, but that just made her angrier. She ended up putting on some makeshift boxing gloves she'd made and punching the stone wall of her room. It hurt like hell for the first twenty minutes but after that, she could hardly feel a thing. She was just angry. She was angry at herself for falling for him; she was angry at him for hurting her like he did; angry at the mages for taking him away, and angry at the world for making her stay there. She wanted to go back to Texas more than she ever had before. She wanted to go home. She could get on her feet. All she needed was to get a job at the library and save her money. She knew they'd let her work there. Or maybe she could join the military. She'd never shot a gun, but by all that she was, she'd learn how. She wanted anything to fill the emptiness she was trying to avoid. Something to keep her mind distracted. Hazy. As she punched the wall over and over, she let her mind wander to maybe becoming a Templar. That would piss Anders off. At least she'd be able to see Bethany more often. Not that she cared for Meredith much. Or many of the other Templars. There were a few she didn't mind. Like Thrask, Emeric, and... the Knight-Commander's second in command. Cullen, if she remembered right. He was decent enough. Maybe if Meredith was dealt with he'd be the head of the Templars in Kirkwall. She'd be willing enough then.
She finally felt the ache in her arms around the time she heard people starting to stir in the main room of the tavern. Another sleepless night. She hadn't had one of those in a while. Not since she'd talked to Varric. She felt the weariness not only in her arms, but in her leg that was still tender and weak. Another reminder of Anders. He'd saved her leg and they'd become even closer after that. She felt to the ground and sobbed, only there were no tears. She just let out pathetic whimpers.
It was Isabela, not Varric that found her this time. Izzy had taken one look at the blood splatters on the wall and knew what had happened. She herded the broken Elf into Varric's room and sent for a non-mage healer. In the meantime she gently and silently washed Mina's shredded hands. It almost went down to the bone. Varric paced behind them, not sure what to say. None of them were, really. It was not a situation they'd encountered before. Merril and Isabela hadn't broken up and no one else in their group was with another of their friends. It was strange knowing that they'd still talk with Anders after this. He was still their friend after all. Mina didn't feel like talking. Her throat was dry and scratchy from so much crying and silent screaming.
"Kitten, what exactly happened?" Isabela prompted. Mina shut her eyes tightly and shook her head. She didn't want to talk about it. She knew if she didn't, Isabela would forcefully get it out of Anders.
"He just... broke it off," she said, voice hoarse and rough like she hadn't had water in days. She was so thirsty. As if he read her mind, Varric walked over with a cup of water and handed it to her. She took a long drink, feeling it run into the cracks in her throat.
"Just like that?" Isabela asked, clearly pissed.
"Yeah. He just said he couldn't do 'this' anymore and I told him to leave," she explained boredly.
Varric sat in his usual spot at the head of his table, furiously cleaning Bianca. Everyone would know within a matter of hours. It would add to the awkwardness, which she didn't want. She had an idea to get away for a while.
"Varric, I haven't had any missions from you in a while. You must have something for me by now," she said, trying desperately to get him to send her away. He looked up and shook his head, apologetically.
"No, sorry Kitten. I don't have anything just yet. It's been unusually quiet. I might have something soon. One of my contacts in Markham said he'd have something for me soon. I might send you to meet him in Ostwick if I get a letter soon," he said, trying to give her something to hope for. She absently nodded and kept staring at the small fire that would soon be burning enough to warm the whole room. Isabela stood and hurried an older woman into the room. Mina assumed it was the healer that was sent for. She did her work rather quickly, assuring them that Mina's hands would heal within a week and to keep them clean.
Mina heard Isabela and Varric talking in the background, pointedly leaving her alone. They weren't quite sure what to do. But... Mina felt selfish. Her heartbreak wasn't anything compared to that of Garrett's. She didn't deserve to be treated so fragily. And, honestly she didn't want to be treated any different. She was a grown woman, almost twenty-one now, and she could take care of herself fairly well. Still, she couldn't quite push down her feeling of sorrow. She kept hoping that maybe it would go away and she could go back to angry. Or, if anything she could settle for empty. She could deal with emptiness. It was something she'd done before back when she was a little girl wailing about her parents leaving her. She was pissed and wanted to know why. One of the older girls at the shelter she'd gone to talked to her and helped her through it. She'd felt strangely hollow for a while, but she got over it. Since then it had become just a distant thought, and every once in a while a mild sore spot.
The point was, she hated hurting and feeling apathetic towards the subject was the way she coped with it. She wouldn't be grouchy or short tempered to anyone who asked. She'd simply give them an answer and move on. She turned to ask her friends to order her a drink when Garrett swaggered in the door. He didn't look like his old self, but he looked less broken. More like he was letting his mother's memory stay in his heart but letting her spirit rest easier. And by the frown on his face when he saw her, she figured Varric told him. How he'd managed to sneak a letter or send a messenger without Mina noticing, she didn't know. And that's why he was the spymaster, and not her.
Without warning, Hawke walked over to her and wrapped her in his strong arms. He maneuvered himself to where he was in the chair and she was cradled in his lap. Safe like a child. She hesitantly returned the embrace. He probably needed it as much as she did. Varric and Izzy kept talking, though they were obviously shocked at the display and watching happily. Mina ignored them and clung to her best friend for several long minutes.
He wasn't wearing his armor like he sometimes did when strolling through town. He was actually wearing regular clothing. His white shirt was soft on her face. She was purposely avoiding the part where it opened up to reveal his chest. It wasn't nearly as low as Varric's, but it gave anyone who looked at him a glimpse of his well muscled and slightly scarred chest. She sniffled and pulled away from him, taking a glimpse at what all he was wearing.
He looked at her with concern etched on his handsome face, "You alright, cutie?" He never gave up on that damned nickname.
She couldn't help but giggle at him, "You look like a pirate from one of the fairytales I was told when I was a child!" It was true. He was in dark brown leather pants and equally dark leather brown knee-high boots. He was certainly dashing. Her comment earned a look that said 'really?! you really just called me a pirate?' She felt a little better seeing his incredulous and playfully annoyed look.
The other two in the room laughed and excused themselves. Isabela was going to hustle some sorry bastards out of some coin and Varric had a Merchant's Guild meeting. The two still tangled in the chair waved goodbye.
"So... you and Anders..." Hawke said trying to be sensitive. She snorted and shook her head before leaning against his shoulder.
"What about us? There isn't an 'us' anymore if that's what you're referring to. That's all there is to it. No point in being sad. Life goes on," she paused and drew circles on the back of his hand, "... Are you ok? I mean you seem like you're doing a bit better."
His body stiffened a moment and he took a deep breath. No one could ever be fine after losing their mother. Especially in such a terrible way. She wished she could've been there to help him.
"I... I kept thinking that if I'd just pulled my head out of my own ass and payed attention to the signs... He'd sent the same white fucking lilies to the other women!" he sighed and leaned his head on hers, "I thought about it for a while and... she wouldn't want me to mope about as I have. She'd say 'Garrett, you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and get back out there! You need to act like the champion you've been named!' And she'd be right." A sad, humorless smile danced on his lips. She wanted that smile to go away. She hated that smile. It was one that seemed helpless. One that screamed of pain and loss.
She ran her index finger down each of his and made a spiral on his now upturned palm. She wondered if there was a way to make his heartache lessened. She'd wondered about it time and time again and never came up with anything. Time was all he needed. Time and his friends. She decided to try to lighten the mood with sarcastic humor.
"I've heard that Orsino and Meredith almost made up before they began another spat. I'm expecting wedding bells before the month's end," she said with a smirk. That got him laughing. They both thought those two were the most ridiculous in the entire Free Marches. Not as ridiculous as Orlesian hats, but still pretty idiotic.
As if he read her thoughts, he said, "Whatever happened to that Orlesian cult of yours? I could go for a vacation right about now. And some cake."
"Yes, cake makes everything better!" she agreed, "We should go get some. I think I wanna walk around some today too." She hopped out of the Champions lap and looked at him. Of course he was pouting. He'd lost the woman who was warming his lap. Typical Hawke. She rolled her eyes and offered him a hand. "C'mon. Venhedis, Garrett, you're such a child!" He grabbed her hand and stood up, refusing to let it go.
"So I am. What about it?" he teased, pulling her through the tavern, "Off to get cake! I hope they have the kind with the little strawberries on top."