When Arthur woke, they were still in the cave. He lay on a blanket, mostly naked except for the barest of clothes covering him, salve smeared on reddened skin, blisters and ridges of semi-healed flesh. There was more damage than he'd thought, but at least he survived.
Surprisingly, nothing hurt. But he put that down to Gaius's medicines, rather than Merlin's. Merlin had always been rubbish at healing.
He didn't try to get up, though. Arthur knew from other times that the flesh had to heal on its own, be gently cared-for and manipulated so that there wouldn't be any lasting damage other than scars. If he ruined his sword arm, it would be worse than a few scars. Still, his skin began to itch a little and he went to scratch.
"Don't you dare. You'll make things worse." With that, Merlin came into view, sat down next to Arthur, scowled as only Merlin could, and began to add more salve to the burns. At least with the cool relief, the itching went away.
As he lay there, Arthur looked at the man he'd nearly died for. Most of Merlin's black hair was gone although stubble was beginning to appear. One eyebrow burned away, and there were scars around an ear and part of his skull. When he applied more ointment to Arthur's skin, Arthur could see that the back of Merlin's hand was peeling and raw. He looked like he'd nearly been burned alive. It made Arthur sick to think that he'd been unable to protect him from his father's wrath or the fire he had to go through a second time to return.
"You unbelievably stupid arse. What were you thinking?!" Merlin said, scowling down at him as if he wanted to punch Arthur or give him a swift kick up the backside. He looked furious, as furious as Arthur had ever seen him, but his touch was gentle.
Arthur reached out, held onto Merlin's thankfully-unburned wrist, shaking him a little. "Gaius said you would be trapped there forever. I couldn't allow it."
Merlin didn't pull away. Instead he blinked rapidly, shaking his head, looking down and away. In the dim light, Arthur could see the beginnings of tears, too, but he didn't dare call Merlin a girl's petticoat, not yet anyway. They'd been through too much together for insults.
Staring at the wall, Merlin said, "Gaius doesn't know everything. You could have been killed and it would have been my fault." He sounded almost defeated.
Arthur's grip tightened and Merlin looked back at him. When Arthur was sure Merlin would listen, he said, "I couldn't leave you there."
"I was perfectly fine."
Indignant, lying Merlin, telling Arthur what he thought Arthur wanted to hear when all Arthur really wanted was Merlin honest. "No, you weren't, you idiot. "
"Yes, I was." Merlin was sputtering, pulling at his wrist a little, rubbing it when Arthur let go. He took a deep breath, let it out again, then put his good hand on Arthur's uninjured shoulder. "Alright, no I wasn't, but Arthur, I… please don't ever do that again. If you had died, I would have died, too. I…."
Arthur covered Merlin's hand with his own. "Don't be ridiculous. I didn't die."
"Not for want of trying." Merlin seemed closer to crying but then must have thought better of it. "You cabbage-head, I thought I was going to lose you."
"And I you." Arthur pressed his hand, enjoying the warmth and closeness. So often, they skirted the bond between them. Perhaps it did take almost dying to see what was right in front of them and he didn't want to lose it, not just yet.
"Merlin, we've rescued each other a dozen times or more. At some point, there will be loss. It is inevitable. If I could sacrifice my life for yours, I would and gladly. You are my best friend and dearer to me than any other – although if you tell anyone, I will have to kill you."
That made Merlin smile a little, a soft shy grin. But it was becoming too personal, too emotional, and Arthur couldn't handle it just now. He let Merlin go, gestured down at his burns. "So, how bad is it?"
"You may not want a mirror just yet." Merlin said, clinical now and acting more the part of physician's apprentice rather than Arthur's fool. "Hair's mostly gone for the moment. It will grow back as will your eyebrows. The skin is still tender on your scalp, neck, and hands so scratching is out of the question. The leather jacket you wore helped a lot. One block of wood fell onto your leg, burning through the cloth so there will be a scar there. Same with your right arm but you'll be able to use it again to fight with time." Merlin looked down at him and said, as severely as he could, "Lots of salve, lots of magic, and don't even think about objecting to it."
"Can I have some clothing at least?" It was getting cold and Arthur felt a little exposed in front of Merlin. Never mind that they'd both been naked dozens of times around each other.
Merlin got up, limping over to a pile of clothing, then pulling a tunic out, helped Arthur into it. One sleeve had been cut away. Then as he picked up a blanket and laid it gently over the non-burned areas, he said, "Gaius is getting clean bandages for the burns. You will have to move your arm and leg normally to keep them from seizing up."
"Yes, oh mighty physician. Although I might note that you need to heal yourself as well." Merlin shrugged as if his health was of no importance. Arthur wanted to roll his eyes and give the idiot a shake. "Can't you use, you know, magic?"
"Ummm, I have been using it." When Arthur gave him a disbelieving look, Merlin sputtered a bit with indignation. "I may be rubbish at healing but I'm great with magic and Gaius has a few books that might help. When I return to Camelot, I can help you with your burns as well."
He didn't want to have this conversation, never wanted it, but sometimes it was best just to plough through, and let the hurt heal in time. With Merlin staring down at him, with Merlin's trusting blue eyes and tentative smile tearing at Arthur's heart, he said, "Merlin, you aren't coming back to Camelot."
Sometimes shockingly easy to read, Merlin's thoughts were as clear as glass on his face. Arthur watched hope turning into despair. "What? Why? Don't you…don't you want me there?" Shrinking into himself, curling away from Arthur as if already apart and dying because of it, Merlin said, "Why would you? I'm just a lying sorcerer. Of course, you wouldn't."
Arthur struggled to sit up, burns pulling at him, but he wanted to face Merlin fully, not lying down like some invalid. "Don't be an idiot. Would I have gone through all this if I didn't want you to come back with me? Look at me, Merlin. I don't have hair right now. Do you think I'd lose it for just anyone?"
Nodding, Merlin said, "It's not a good look on you. Uther, on the other hand…."
His father's bald head had been pretty funny, especially with Gaius's or rather the goblin's treatments, but Arthur couldn't let Merlin know that. "We swore never to speak of it again."
Merlin shrugged, then lifting his one unburnt eyebrow, he gave a little grin. "Can we speak of your donkey ears then? Because those certainly improved your pratly face."
Knowing what Merlin was doing, knowing that he was trying to divert Arthur from his resolve, didn't make things any easier. But Arthur wasn't going to let Merlin die again just because he was too soft-hearted.
"I don't want this either. I've a stock that needs a Merlin to fill it, and cesspits and stables and boots that need cleaning." Arthur watched as Merlin turned solemn. "But my father would never allow it, especially when you are supposed to be dead. Next time he'll just run you through and be done with it."
"But I can use magic…,"Merlin said.
And that was exactly the point. Arthur knew that Merlin would be back to using magic willy-nilly as soon as he could. So instead, he knew he'd have to be strong for both their sakes.
"Exactly. I can't risk it. There is too much danger in Camelot for you and I won't lose you all over again."
Merlin scowled at that, then grinned as if Arthur hadn't said anything at all. "I can hide. I'm good at that."
"Merlin…." It took all Arthur's courage to stare down a hopeful Merlin, to watch him finally realise that Arthur wasn't changing his mind.
When Merlin did, he stood up, shaking and furious. "So that's it then. Bonds and friendship and love mean nothing to you?"
Just like Merlin to think Arthur was being selfish, when it was the farthest thing from the truth. Arthur wanted Merlin to come back, more than anything. He'd have sacrificed honour and duty and his place at the court, but it wouldn't have made any difference. Uther would never accept Merlin back, would kill him as soon as he set foot in Camelot. And Arthur couldn't let Merlin die, not again.
"Merlin, please don't make it any harder than it already is."
"Then I won't." Merlin stood there a moment, perhaps expecting Arthur to change his mind, but when nothing came, he said, "Good-bye, Arthur." Then he turned and walked away.
"Merlin… stop." Arthur called after him, but Merlin just ignored him, brushed past Gaius, and hurried up the stairs towards the cave entrance.
Gaius frowned, looking startled as he watched Merlin disappear around the corner, then turned back to Arthur. "Where is Merlin going?"
"He didn't take it well when I told him he wasn't allowed to come back to Camelot," Arthur said. He knew Gaius would understand. He'd seen what Uther could do and had lived with the consequences for years.
"Ah." Gaius paused a moment, watching the entrance to see if Merlin were coming back, but when he didn't, Gaius said, "I can try and talk to him."
Laying back down, Arthur stared up into the crystals in the ceiling, his thoughts following the cracked lines of those that had been damaged in the fire. The smoke still lingered, too, a clear sign of what they'd been through together, fire and near destruction and loss.
"It doesn't matter. He can't come back and that's the end of it." Arthur's heart broke at the thought of maybe never seeing Merlin again but it couldn't be helped. But as Gaius knelt and began to bandage his wounds, Arthur said, "Gaius, when I've gone back to Camelot, could you stay behind a bit, make him see reason? I can't… my father would just kill him on sight. Merlin must understand that if it were up to me…."
Gaius nodded, tying up one bandage and patting it down, gentle and physician-deft, and starting on another. "I will. Merlin will come around, I'm sure of it."
"Tell him, tell him that when I become king, he is welcome back in Camelot." Arthur's throat tightened, swallowing down the grief that threatened to burst out. The thought of long years without his best friend, his only real friend, was tearing at his chest, the thought that Merlin would never come back, that he'd never forgive Arthur for sending him away ever-present.
Gaius seemed to understand. "I think he knows that deep down inside."
"Tell him anyway. Just in case."