Whoa! This is a long, maybe boring chapter. longest chapter I've written and taken such long time and effort to write. It's because first: a friend of mines let me borrow his Batman Arkham Knight copy for the PS4 and holy shit, that game is amazing! Second: I had to do a bit of research (because I don't want to make another mistake with facts like chapter 10 with reptiles and amphibians XD a stupid, stupid mistake, I know) about medical ailments and treatments. If one of my readers is studying medicine or is already a doctor and if you see I have a ridiculous error, please let me know!
This chapter mainly focuses on Jean and Marco and their health. It's mostly just blah, blah, blah, so if you want some action, you'll have to wait, sorry u.u (just skip it and wait for next chapter XD I'll try to speed things up!)
Disclaimer: I do not own Attack on Titan.
SEVENTY-SIX
-"Jean...,"- I heard soft murmurs somewhere around me and I felt a smooth hand stroke my hair. I hummed sweetly at the touch and decided to open my eyes. When I did, though, I faced with a bugging light that oddly reminded me of that day I woke up getting bitten and burned by the sun after butt-fucking Marco with my fingers. I hissed and looked away, -"Wait, let me close the curtains."- I recognize that giggle and mellow voice anywhere -along with a few groans.
-"Marco...?"- I murmured and opened my eyes. They met with a pair of brown, sweet chestnut eyes and a mess of cute freckles beneath them.
-"You're up,"- He sighed in relief, flitting his palm to his chest, -"I... I knew you'd wake up and they said you were okay, but I was so worried, Jean. I had to see for myself, I had to see you..."
I tilted my head, now confused, -"Wh-what are you talking about?"- I tried to sit up, but an immense pain assaulted both my back and abdomen -hell, every limb of my body. Everything throbbed and hurt. My head dropped onto the soft surface I've been on all this time and even that hurt, -"Fuck!"- I groaned and by impulse, I raised my hand to rub everything that pained me, but -you guessed it- my arms hurt too, -"Dammit!"- I winced and cursed aloud.
Marco gasped and teetered towards me, kind of clumsily and limp, -"Don't move! You're-"
A slammed-opened door interrupted him, making him yelp and totter away, -"Marco! What have I told you?"- Now, I didn't recognize that voice and it made me uneasy -like every stranger nowadays these days. I've gotten really mistrustful...
-"I... I just wanted to see him!"- Marco replied, his voice shaky. He was nervous, kind of like when he's late for class or giving a poor excuse for his delay.
He... wasn't allowed to see me? Why the hell not?
Okay, hold on just a fucking second, where the hell am I? Again, I tried to sit up, but my damn body just begged me not to. Still, I managed to stay up for a few seconds, enough to see Marco in a white robe, leaning against the wall at the end of this... whatever-the-hell-this-place is room. He had gauzes on his cheeks and jaw, along with a creamy substance splattered on his face that almost looked like cum. I noted his nose was really red like when he gets allergies. He was fidgeting with his bandages nervously as the woman lectured him, -"I warned you before, you can't be here and you aren't apt enough to be walking around like this."
-"B-but I'm okay..., really."- Marco insisted, shrinking back onto the wall like a little kid avoiding his parents.
I grew tiresome of their bickering and turned my head around abruptly to see who the hell it was, -"Hey, who the fuck are you?"- I knew by now it was a woman from her voice, -"Don't talk to him like that, you -ow, fuck!"- I cursed at the excruciating pain on my back and turned to my original position, wincing.
Said woman sighed, -"Oh, you must be the so famous Kirshtein. I've heard so much about you and the descriptions are quite accurate, I must add,"- Was she sassing me? Bitch, who the hell does she think she is? -"You shouldn't talk to me like that, boy, you'd be a ball of swell if not for me,"- Finally, the bitch revealed herself and I saw a tall, dark-skinned, curvy woman before me with short, black, curly hair and big, green eyes. She took my hand and I shuddered at her hand's coldness, -"You shouldn't even be up, dearie. I just gave you a cortisone injection so do yourself a favor and rest,"- She was speaking gibberish to me, because I had no idea what she was talking about, -"Marco, that goes for you too, honey. Come."- She gestured him out of the room.
But he shook his head with that adorable pout of his I love to see, -"I want to stay with him."
She placed her hands on her hips, still keeping it cool, -"Marco, you're not allowed to be here and I know you're a good boy. You know your mom won't be-"
-"Hey, stop treating him like a kid,"- I interrupted her and she gazed at me, eyes wide. I couldn't surprise her more, can I? -"He wants to stay, so let him. I want him to stay too so just leave us alone."
She snorted and her body swayed back as she laid the back of her palm on her forehead, -"You're in no position to make demands, Jean."
Damn, she spelled my name. Again, who is she and where am I? Marco seemed to know her, -"And who the hell are you to tell me that, huh?"
She gaped her mouth to reply, but she was interrupted by quick footsteps, -"Let them be, Sienna, they both deserve it after what they've been through."- Now that's a voice I recognize, mellow like Marco's.
-"But Celine, you know what the doctor said."
-"I know what he said I personally asked him for permission. Fortunately, he complied after I nagged for a few minutes,"- She quickly made way towards me and placed her soft hand on my forehead, -"Jean, how do you feel?"
-"Lost, but I'm glad to see you."- I smiled, finally settling cozily after seeing another familiar face. I just realized I was on a bed, my body covered with comfy, blue sheets. My head rested on a plushy pillow. I was definitely more comfortable now.
-"I figured, you just woke up, but I'm sure Marco can brighten your questions while I get your next medication,"- She tussled my hair and smiled tenderly, -"I'll be right back, okay? Try not to move too much,"- She gestured to Marco, -"Keep an eye on him, please."- She walked out with Sienna, who was still arguing with her about letting us here alone.
When they closed the door, Marco tottered beside my bed again and tied his hands with mines, -"Jean, I'm so relieved you're okay..."
-"Marco... I'm relieved you're alright and safe..."- I squeezed his hands and shut my eyes close as the memories swarmed my mind. I couldn't coerce them, I just... how can I not think about it? My worst fear almost became true...
I just..., oh man, I always thought I wasn't afraid of anything -at least anything big- until recently. When I fell for Marco, I was scared of the rebukes and wretched treatment I'd get from others, I was scared of myself, of the changes I was going through, but I surpassed that, with Marco at my side and support from my friends and family. Last day in school, I... had the worst day I could have in all my years there -and I had bad and horrible days before, but last one beats them all- and I discovered another fear: to see Marco in risk and unprotected, to watch him in the brink of... death, but I guess I always had it. I was just awfully reminded of it. Like I said, I always thought I could cope with any obstacle and anyone, but ever since Marco got into my life again, I...
I don't regret anything, I mean it, but my fears grew because my life is his; he's my light, my love, my kernel, my revs, my... everything (okay, that was really corny but true). If I ever lose Marco... the one person I love and care the most...
Shit...
-"Jean...,"- His mellow voice echoed in my ears and soothed my troubled heart as he whipped my tears off my cheeks, -"I can't stop thinking about it either... I was so scared. I thought they were gonna push me and kill me... but maybe they just weren't aware of the height, they just wanted to tease us..."
I sobbed and tried to gulp down the lump on my throat. I then shook my head, -"Marco, he pushed you... I saw him."- At that, a small wrath sparked within me. That guy... I swear I wanted to push him.
He gasped. Did he really think those guys' motives were just to tease us? No, Marco knew, hence his fear, but he was denying it, -"It can't be, that's just... wrong. You really think they wanted to...?"- He couldn't even spell it out. His eyes welled as he covered his mouth with his hands.
I just looked down to my lap, clutching the sheets firmly, that spark of wrath still lingering as Kuan's serious expression carved on my mind. Yeah, their faces told me that much -or just Kuan's. The other two were just dogs following orders, but I could tell they weren't as keen as Kuan to push us to our deaths. A dreadful and unnerving event but the only thing I could do is learn from it for future, similar incidents, because I'm aware that's not the last one, oh no. It was dumb of me to think they'd let Marco go after I kneeled and begged them, but one thing is for sure: they're not fooling me a second time -or anyone else.
Marco began to cry, still unable to accept the ugly truth. He knows it, he knows I'm right, but it was hard for him to accept it. It's terrifying for him to think someone wanted him dead, that someone was eager to push and kill him. For me, it wasn't so complicated: every jock and Frank fan wanted me beaten and screwed there already -including said guy, wherever he is. For Marco, a sweet, caring guy, was different. I'm used to having people hate me and not minding if I die at all.
That up there is very depressing, I know, but what can I do about it? I'm not crying about it, I sure as hell am not.
-"Marco, I swear on my life,"- I clutched his hand tighter as I stared straight into his eyes, my expression serious, like Kuan's, -"I'm not letting anyone harm you again. I swear to God, I'll save you from certain deaths as many times as I have to, I'll snap anyone's neck if-"- I bit my lips harshly. I had to stop those venenous words because Marco's eyes can't widen anymore. Oh no, not the vindictive, aggressive thoughts again. Marco dislikes em'. I just sighed and tried to calm myself, -"You know what I'd do for you..., right?"
Marco stared at me for a while, confound at the intensity of my aggressive words, but he has heard them before. He nodded, a bit scared like he always gets whenever I go rampage mode against someone to defend him. He was also remembering when I knelt before the enemy so they could let him go.
-"You were right, you know,"- I began to sit up. Marco gasped and tried to push me down, but I brushed his arms off. I needed to sit up, I just needed to. I groaned at the pain, but ignored it, -"It... was a trap, the whole assault mission, it was a pitfall and we fell in it like fucking morons."- I told him the whole thing about the traitor too.
Marco cringed at my words, -"Don't say that..."- He looked down, saddened, and toyed with the sheets. My statement distressed him, but he also had that look that said 'I told you'.
-"I should've listened to you, I should've known it was a trap, I should've seen it coming, I..."- I rambled, covering my face with my hands. There's that pain again, but I just ignored it. My arms and back throbbed. I'm getting used to it. Still, a few groans escaped my lips as I brooded on the thought that none of that would've happened if I just reflected about the assault more thoroughly. Marco wouldn't be here, he'd be home safe and unharmed...
-"Jean just lay back. You're hurting yourself..."- He murmured, flittling one of his hand on my back and the other on my chest, trying to push me back onto the bed gently.
I didn't budge, -"I'm so sorry, Marco, everything would've gone differently if I..."
Suddenly, he huffed, -"God, can just stop blaming yourself for every mishap? And lay back, it's an order."
-"But, Marco..."- I kept whining like a damn baby, leaning back onto the bed, but shit, I can't help it.
He had his arms crossed and lips pursed. A few months ago, he got sad and concerned with me whenever I brooded and blamed myself for a mishap. Now? It was pissing him off because he has lectured me so many times now, -"How many times have I told you? Stop blaming yourself so much! You're a human being, like me and many others, and we make mistakes because it's a part of life, but we learn from it and grow stronger!"
-"Whoa, Marco, take it easy."- I tried to calm him because his eyes watered and his jaw clenched.
-"Why, Jean, why do you blame yourself so much? Why do you punish yourself? Why mentally hurt yourself?"- He was distressed but still kept his movements calm. A tear escaped his eye as he bit his lip and looked down, struggling to hinder the exit for the rest.
-"I'm sorry, I just can't help it..."- I cogitated again, despite my efforts to keep my mouth shut.
-"You couldn't have known it'd be a trap! You couldn't have known that guy would betray you!"- He raised his voice, now clutching my sheets firmly, -"It wasn't your fault, Jean! None of it!"
I sighed and ran a hand trough my hair. He was right. How could I've known it'd all be a snare? And how did Marco know? He didn't, that was just a hunch. How could I have known his suspicion was on point? Also, I hadn't known that guy, the traitor, so I'm gonna admit I felt a bit better knowing it wasn't my entire fault. Nathaniel is supposed to know his men, he should've been meticulous when recruiting or something. Still, I dunno...
Point is, all in all, I wasn't doing myself any favors. I was wearing my mind and spirit down and I didn't have to -I'm not supposed to. I mean, I don't deserve it, right? All I've done was to defend myself and Marco -Marco mostly- because hey, I don't have to accept the threats of some dick and staying hit. It's me, okay? And I'm positive some people agree with my latter statement.
-"Please, Jean, just don't punish yourself anymore... I don't like it..."- Another handful of tears dripped out of his eyes as his head dropped, -"You treat yourself so badly..."
My whole skirmish with myself affects him too, but before I could reply, the door swung open and Marco stepped away from me.
I gazed at him and sighed again, running yet another hand trough my hair and gripping it. I'm sorry, Marco..., I was hurting him again, wasn't I? Fuck, I hate how all this is playing against us.
Celine propped a small basket of utensils on the night table beside me and dug two pills, -"Okay, Jean, I'm going to pull the bed up so you can swallow these. It's going to hurt a bit, but these pills will manage that afterward."
I just nodded, holding my usual cringing face whenever someone's about to give me pills. I'm getting used to the pain anyways.
She worked on some mechanism below the bed and slowly, the half of it that my back was on went up. I winced and hissed a bit at the pain in my back, -"How are you feeling?"- She asked again after I gulped down the pills and flinched. Yuck.
-"Sore."
She nodded, -"Cortisone can do that, but it's healing your inflamed areas... which are quite a few, Jean. You should rest for a few more minutes. Although I think...,"- She checked the pot of pill she just gave me, -"Yup, these causes sleep anyways."
-"Where are we?"- I asked, looking around the area. A quite narrow, plain white walls surrounded me along with a few medical instruments and an old, small TV before me hanging on the ceiling.
-"In Trost's hospital. We came here after you passed out,"- Marco pulled a chair beside me bed and sat, resting his head on my chest gently, aware every joint in me ached, -"I called mom quickly. Diego and the others had to help me carry you to the car. We called emergency and... here we are."
-"Damn, am I that bad?"- I jibed, because really, I just took a beating like I've gotten since... what? Third grade? I don't even remember, but another pang of pain reminded me of the severity.
-"Jean, every joint and limb of your body is swollen. I've never seen such dark bruises before. I think you can barely walk, not until the cortisone makes the effect."- Celine warned and again, I got that impulsive rush of a challenge to stand up and prove her wrong, but I stayed down, because one, she was my boyfriend's mother and second, she had this serious face that made my hair stand on end. She knew of my competitive nature.
Still, -"Just gimme a few hours and I'll be up and jumping around."- I said with a smug look on my face.
She smiled and shook her head, -"No, you're going to need more time than that. I estimate a few days."
-"A few days?"- I repeated, quirking an eyebrow, -"What about school?"- Trust me, I prefer to stay forever in this hospital instead of going there, but I know Marco and his studious nature, so I'm not staying if he's going there, especially not after a certain incident.
She sighed and her expression contorted into distress and dismal, -"You're not going anymore."- She said, flatly, like no one's gonna convince her otherwise.
Then, there's Marco, shaking his head in denial, -"But mom, what about classes? I can't abandon my grades..."- He said, a bit concern and alarmed at her statement (though I think they already discussed it), but I could read Marco exceptionally and I saw relief there. He wanted to go because it's his responsibility to be present in class, do assignments, get goods grades, yadda, yadda. He's a nerd, but he also didn't want to go because he was scared. Life threatening events are not a good experience and he certainly doesn't want to experience it again.
My body shuddered at the memory; how Marco's body shook and sent shockwaves up my arms and into my body, warning me that he was terrified, petrified. I remember his tears, his eyes pleading me to save me, his shouts for succor...
Then I remember how Kuan let go of his arm and pushed him, his wicked and satisfying grin whittle on his ugly face. Again, wrath sparked within me. I clutched my sheets and tried to quench it. Marco, who still laid his head on my abdomen, noted it and placed his hand on top of mines, squeezing me, reassuring me that it's okay. He was still debating with his mother, -"Mom, I … want to help others there too..."
That made my hung head perk up, -"Marco..."- I murmured, stunned by his words. True, he's been aiding us in the hideout by patching peeps up, but does he really want to go after...?
Oh wow, I hadn't even thought about anyone else in there, not even helping them out or anything. I admit I cared little for rest. I just wanted Marco to be at peace in there, to study without watching his back every damn second, so he can concentrate and focus on his grades. What a jerk I am, right?
Celine bit her lower lip. She was actually considering it because no doubt Marco's intention was noble, but she was terrified too, terrified we'd end up like this again and hell, maybe even that next time we won't even be, -"Marco, please, you have to understand. Until the school is truly safe, I can't let you go."- She was extremely worried. A mother's trait, no doubt.
-"But I..."
-"Marco, you're not going. Period," - I was stunned, because, for starters, I've never heard her raised voice and secondarily, she seldom speaks to Marco like that. She always gives Marco his liberty, but I could understand her perfectly: she was unsettled with the idea (for fucks sake, he almost died). She's worried and terrified, because hey, he's her son, -"That goes for you too, Jean."- And she has that motherly tendency on me too.
I just nodded slowly and hung my head, away from Marco's gaze. It pained me to see him discouraged and dejected, but it's necessary. We can't risk setting foot there and getting fucked up again (I wouldn't allow it, but if we're outnumbered again...)
Marco shook his head again, a stubborn guy he is, and gaped his mouth, but before he could even mutter a word, his mom raised her hand, -"That school is dangerous. Neither of you is safe. Until the director does something to control the violence and discrimination, you're not going,"- Again, Marco gaped his mouth, but she didn't let him talk, -"Enough, Marco! No is no! I have to keep you both safe! I know you're both apt enough to defend each other and I know Jean has done it well, but look at him!"- She gestured to me, to my whole body, -"The next time you're attacked, his body won't endure it!"
Marco followed her hand and his eyes watered at my figure. He dropped his head onto my chest again and started sobbing, muttering something I could barely hear.
I reached for his head, -"Hey, Marco..."
Celine sighed again as she rubbed her forehead, -"Marco, let's head back to your room, okay? You still haven't gotten your dose."
That's when fear settled in, -"D-dose? What's wrong with him?"- Yeah, why's Marco here, aside from desiring to see me? I was the one who got beaten, right?
Marco raised his head from my chest and I saw the bandages on his face and the creamy substance splattered around again. He slowly pulled them down, reluctantly, and my heart sank when I saw deep purple blots on his cheek and jaw.
I froze, holding my breath.
No, they... they got... and beat him...
Those fucking bastards!
-"Jean, I'm alright, really..."- He knew how quick I get choleric when anyone lays a hand on him.
-"I got too late..., didn't I?"- There I go again wallowing in guilt.
His brows knitted, -"Jean."
But now I really couldn't help it. I got too late and Marco was harmed.
-"Marco."- His mom called him again, keeping a watch outside. We were running out of time. Marco can't be here, huh? I heard someone outside the room, murmuring something to Celine. Maybe warning her to take Marco away.
-"Jean, please... don't-"
I looked away, biting my lips harshly, struggling with the lump in my throat. God, I want to yell, I want him to stay, but I couldn't... I couldn't face him and watch his bruised face, I just... I felt like I failed, like I...
-"Jean...,"- He called again and planted a soft kiss on my temple, -"I'll... I'll see you soon. Go-goodbye..."- He struggled with those words, like always.
-"Rest, Jean. The medics will check on you periodically. The doctor will also come by."- Said Celine and after they closed the door, all the pent-up tears escaped my eyes.
-"Fuck..."- I cursed and suddenly, every muscle in me ached and cried too.
I wasn't able to protect him... I was too late...
For fucks sake, this is getting old and stupid, said my mediocre and reckless voice.
Remember what he told you, Jean. Think positively, and that's my rational one.
I breathed deeply. Yeah, I still saved him. If I hadn't gotten there at all, Marco would've been dead. I was late because I was ambushed for that same purpose, but I still got in time to save him. I shudder to think about what would've happened if I delayed more. I would've instead seen him on the ground, dead, his neck crooked and-
My body shuddered, my heart pulsing against my chest fast and releasing a slight soreness on my chest. I squeezed that sore area and closed my eyes. No, no, no, no, don't think about that!
I had to breathe slowly and deeply, but it was a bit difficult. That ache still lingered, just below where I think my heart pulses. I pressed the area and it still ached. Breathing slowly and carefully, I tried to brush off and forget... everything, but minutes later, I was still shuddering and it wasn't because of the chill air in here. Fuck...
Just calm down man, it's okay, he's fine -well, alive, at least.
I kept glancing at the near clock, wishing time would just speed up until Marco gets here again. It 's 5:30 and it kinda got stuck there.
I was trying my best to distract my mind with idle thoughts about stupid jokes and movies (and Batman, I was thinking about Batman and how I wished to see one of his amazing movies right now) when I started to get drowsy. Oh man, is it the pill Celine gave me? Boy, it's making me sleepy, despite my unrest over the images of Marco's dead bo-
I shook my head vigorously, just relax. Celine told you to get some sleep. Do it.
And so I did. After long minutes of just staring at the pale wall, my eyelids dropped and I slipped into the very needed slumber.
-"Marco, whatever you do, don't let go of my hand!"- I was yelling to said guy, who was gripping my arm firmly, because his life depended on it, literally.
-"Jean... I-I'm scared."- He said, tears pooling beneath his eyelids and sailing down his cheek.
-"I'm scared too...,"- I said, my tears mixing with the raindrops, -"B-but... I'll get you up, I pro-"
-"Jean!"- Marco screamed as his eyes widened at something behind me... or someone.
In a quick movement, I looked over my shoulder and spotted a dark, somber and spectral figure looming behind me. My eyes widened in terror. Every aspect of it spooked me, but it's face appalled me; it kept shaping into many different faces: Frank's, George's, Trevor's, Trisha's, Kuan's, Rui's, my boss', Marco's bullies, my bullies, the guys at Marco's art classes, the guys laughing at us at the movies, the pair at the cafeteria near my home, Jessica and Hannah's, Gustave's, the girl whose phone I broke, her mother...
I screamed at an abrupt headache that threatened to split my skull. Then, the figure started laughing keenly, shrilling and making me cringe. I heard all those people's guffaw directed at me, mocking and threatening...! They were like bugs crawling across my brain and triturating on it...!
I screamed again because their mirth ringed in my mind, louder than before. I couldn't even hear my own scream! Fuck, just shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Impulsively, I rose both my hands to cover my ears when... -"JEAN!"- A loud and sharp cry pierced my heart. Then... a loud, echoing thud along a few crushing sounds.
Oh no...
God no...
-"Marco...?"- My arms shook, my body quivered and I had a lump in the pit of my throat. I tried gulping it down, but it was futile, -"M-Marco...!"- I didn't even dare stare down the ceiling. I screamed and ran out across the school. The hallways were packed with that same dark figure with shaping faces like before and they were all laughing too, so damn loud I could barely hear my loud footing. I rushed the school's exit, still hearing their shrilling mirth in my mind, and swung open the emergency door that led outside, -"Marco, I'm coming!"- I shouted, running through the yard as fast as I could.
Maybe he's alive, maybe I calculated the height wrong, maybe he's just incapacitated! I'll help him up and carry him all the way to Sina if I have, I'll do any...
I halted my tracks and stared at the rigid body flopped on the ground a few meters away from me, -"Marco... hey...,"- I stammered, treading ever so slowly towards the unmoving figure, fear growing within me, slowly taking possession of my heart, -"... just stand up, you're scaring me."- But he didn't get up and I knew why. I was just denying it.
No, this can't be...
My eyes watered as my lips shook, -"Marco... please..."- I was nearing him and the closer I got, the better I could see him... and he...
Oh God, please help me...
Finally, when he was beneath me, I held my breath and saw his body laying on the ground like an abandoned toy. His neck was crooked and his legs and arms were wry in a painful way...
I fell on my knees.
A trail of blood spilled from his gaped mouth, his eyes and face void of emotion as he stared back at mines...
He's dead...
Marco's dead...
How could I have let this happen to the person I've sworn to protect at all cost? The person I love the most...
How... just how...?
That lump in my throat got out with an acute cry. My eyes watered and released incessant tears. I dropped my head onto Marco body and started screaming, clutching the grass beside me and pulling them out as if I was hauling my hair, -"Marco! No! Don't do this to me! Why? Why...!"
Then, unwanted whispers slipped into my ears: it was your fault. You let his grip go so you could cover your ears because... the cruel voice whispered, snickering, enjoying my sorrow.
No, stop! Don't say it! It's not true! I argued, again covering my ears with force as if to prevent the whisper from getting in.
But it's as if they were deep in my ears and mind already, like the laughs, … you care more about yourself.
-"NO!"- I screamed, again and again, denying the voice's statement, -"It's not true! Shut up!"
Then, laughter ensued again, all around me, telling me it was my fault Marco is dead, that I only care for myself, that I wasn't strong enough to protect him...
It's not true! I do care for him...!
But I let his arm go... it's my fault... I killed him...
I gripped my hair harshly and started tugging it, screaming while tears streamed down my cheeks and pooled on the earth beneath me. I cried and cried, begging and shouting them to stop laughing, to leave me alone, pleading for this to be a nightmare, but they didn't stop.
There's only one way to make this stop. I can't handle the guilt, the headache, the laughs, the faces of my enmities staring down at me with detest and devilry, the sorrow...
I can't handle Marco's absence... I just can't...
I gripped my neck with both hands and constricted, coercing my breath out.
That's right, you don't deserve to live!
Look at what you've done!
You're a murderer!
The whispers cheered and approved of my actions.
I constricted my grip more and started coughing, shocking on my own tears that dripped into my mouth. Maybe... I'll see Marco in whatever place awaits me...
I felt my throat swell up I and coughed again and again. My body writhed and shook, begging me to stop and breathe, but I didn't. Instead, I squeezed harder and impulsively, I screamed, but it was muffled by my own immovable grip. Slowly, I was losing consciousness, and my vision stymied with dark blots. I kept gasping for air, but my hands never faltered, -"Ma... r... co..."- I muttered but choked on the words. I'm sorry... Marco... I hope I can see you soon...
My vision got completely dark as I tumbled onto the earth beside Marco, tears continuously streaming down my cheeks. My eyes burned and my throat ached; I couldn't swallow anymore... and it hurts, it fucking hurts.
I'm sorry...
Marco... I love-
-"Marco!"- With ragged breaths, I sat up abruptly and gripped my hair, -"No, no, no, no, Marco! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!"- I started wafting back and forth, completely ignoring the pain in my back.
A gasp somewhere around my room and quick footsteps echoed, -"Jean,"- Oh, that voice, that sweet voice is just what I needed to subside my quivering, my fear, and sorrow, -"Jean, I'm here, okay? You're not alone, I'm here right beside you,"- I felt my bed bounce. Then, my boyfriend grabbed my hands and tugged them away from my face to cup it in his soft hands. Smoothly, he caressed my cheeks with his thumbs, -"It's okay, it wasn't real. I'll make it go away, I promise. Just look at me."- His eyes narrowed me lovingly and sympathetically, but even in the dim room, I saw fear and tears in his eyes too.
Oh Marco, please...
I'm shaking, I'm literally shaking like a bare, cold dog. I sobbed and placed my hand on tops of his, -"Marco... I'm sorry..."- I sobbed, remembering how I stupidly let go of him and... and...
I killed him...
Marco shook his head, -"You don't have to feel sorry, Jean, it wasn't real. It's just a nightmare..."- I didn't have to wonder why he knew. The answer just popped into my head the minute he called me.
Before he could continue, I lashed towards him and embraced him firmly, needing to feel his heartbeats pound against my chest vividly, to make sure he's... alive... and that this wasn't my trauma's foul game. I kept crying on his shoulder and he clambered his hands to my back and rubbed gently.
Then, he took my both of our hands and placed them on our chests so we could feel our heartbeats, -"I'm okay, Jean, and so are you..."- He glanced at something next to my bed, tears still on his cheek, and sighed in relief. That's when I heard a high beeping sound dimish. I followed his gaze and spotted a cardiac monitor, it's green zig-zag lines bright and stable; my eyes continued through the wires until it reached me. I tugged my robe and looked down to my chest, which was rife with some sticky pads that connected to the machine.
Since when did I had this? And why do I have it? I'm not in that much of a critical condition...
Marco, perceptive as always, answered my inquiry, -"They came while you slept,"- Marco breathed deeply and concern flashed his eyes, -"It was really loud when I came in. I was really scared, I thought you were..."
In spite of myself, I chortled lowly, -"I'm... alive, at least."
-"You were panicking,"- He stated, shifting on the borders of my bed more comfortably, -"Nightmare?"
I nodded and sighed, running a hand through my hair, -"Yeah,"- I shut my eyes close and avoided remembering it, -"You?"
He nodded too, -"It was horrible..."- While stroking my knee gently, he too slammed his eyes shut and bit his lips, holding a few other tears.
-"Marco...,"- I placed my hand over his, noting he was also shaking and scared from his nightmare and that that's why he came to me, so I could comfort him and to verify I was alive too, that the nightmare was just that, -"It's okay, I'm here for you too, you know?"- I ended up telling him the same thing he told me: that it wasn't real.
He leaned closer to me and rested his head on my chest, -"I want to stay like this forever... with you."
-"What's stopping you?"- I asked, but really, if I just thought about the answer more, I'd ace it.
-"I can't be here, it's so unfair,"- He pouted and sighed, sitting up and dismounting my bed, -"Jean, I... I have to hide. The doctors are coming."
-"What?"- I asked, now confused, -"Why?"
-"I'll tell you later, just don't tell them I'm here,"- He glanced a few times at the door before stepping close to my bed and planting a soft kiss on my cheeks, -"I love you."
-"Love you too."- I replied, wishing he kept kissing me.
He gave me a weak smile before hiding in one of the lockers. He was still walking kinda limp...
I kept staring at it until the door swung open, -"Kirshtein, how do you fare?"- Wait a sec, I know that voice...
-"Old man?"- I crooned my neck and sure enough, I saw ol' doctor Zackly walking towards my bed in his usual cool manner, -"Am I glad to see you. What're you doing here?"- A bit of sarcasm there, but I'm glad to see familiar faces. He was Mom's doctor.
-"I am here to verify your condition, considering I am your doctor for these few weeks."
And apparently mines too.
-"Whoa, for real?"- I then winced and laid back onto my pillow, unable to bear my back and abdomen's pain anymore, -"That's cool, I guess."
-"I expected to see you soon enough within these halls, considering how much trouble you cause."- He sneered and shook his head.
-"Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, grandpa. You psychic too?"- I mocked and mimicked his sneers.
-"My, my, aren't you talkative after suffering a panic episode,"- He gestured to someone behind him, -"Turn the light on, if you would,"- He tread closer to me and examined me thoroughly, -"Something you would like to share, maybe?"
Yeah, Jean, why are you talking so much after having a fucking horrible nightmare? You woke up panicked and all, Marco's doing, no doubt. Still, it's not like I'm all roses about it now, but I'm calmer now after seeing Marco -and hey, Zackly's appearance was surprising, -"Nope, sir."- Maybe I'm acting too cool that it's making it obvious I'm hiding something... or someone?
He quirked an eyebrow, -"Are you suggesting you conquered it by sheer will?"
I sighed and shrugged, -"I just had a nightmare, chill out. Yeah, I got panicked, but I just thought a lot about my boyfriend and... yeah."
He snorted, clearly finding my statement amusing and ridiculous, -"You expect me to believe that?"
I shrugged again, indifferently, -"I dunno, your choice, old man."
He was unconvinced and wanted to investigate further, but he dropped it. He probably had other patients waiting for him, -"Allow me to operate a few tests on you."
-"Sure,"- I said and started wondering why Marco couldn't be here -and how he managed to get here in the first place, but I'll have to ask him later, -"Hey, uh... where am I? I mean, why can't other people be here?"
-"Not again with the boy,"- He sighed while rolling my robe up from my legs to inspect my knee, -"I made it clear that he cannot be here. Today was an exception, no more."
-"I was just asking, geez. I'm worried, you know?"
He sighed again. I was probably vexing him again like during the times he came home for Mom, -"Kirshtein, you are in the tier for patients under critical condition and young Bodt's presence here can risk his health because of numerous reasons I rather spare you. I am positive you understand."- He spoke slowly, aware of my mediocre language. That last part, though, I noted sarcasm.
-"It's fine, I mean, he is. He can take care of himself and-"
-"Kirshtein."- That was a warning to stop nagging him about it. That means Marco and his mom have already pestered him enough.
-"Fine, Jesus,"- I gave up and while I watched him inspecting my knee, I wondered about Marco's condition, -"If I'm here and my boyfriend can't be here, that means he's okay, right? Not as critical as me?"
-"Correct,"- He started prodding his finger against my hard knee and I winced, hissing a bit, -"He suffered minor concussions, contusions, and lesions, nothing to fret about."
I sighed in relief, so deeply, and looked up, warmth settling on me as I was reassured that Marco's condition was stable, not critical, -"That's a relief."
-"Of course, I talk about physically,"- He paused and I gasped deeply, my heart skipped a beat, and a slight pain soared through my chest, like last time, -"Mentally... well, that is something entirely different and unknown for me. That is Celine's specialty."
-"Wh-what do you mean? What does he have?"- I kept asking, hand pressed against my chest.
-"You should ask his mother. She has been conduction tests on him,"- He continued to examine my legs and arms, which I was paying no attention whatsoever, -"Do you even wonder about your condition?"
-"No -I mean, yeah, of course, but Marco-"
-"You suffer grave and dim contusions on both your limbs and joints. In addition, severe lesions and bone fracture, my guess. The tests result should be ready for tomorrow."- He said, as a matter of factly. Now, he was working with some tools hooked on a tall rack with wheels.
My eyes widened, -"Shit, what? You're kidding, aren't you?"
-"I am not."- He said, seriously, now staring at me intensively. So... I am in a critical condition, huh.
Okay, now I'm getting worried and scared for myself, -"Wh-which bones?"
The doctor started to pack his stuff and stood up, -"We will answer all your inquiries tomorrow. For now, rest some more. You just woke up after two days of utter slumber."
-"Two days?!"
-"Yes and please, do yourself a favor and avoid making abrupt movements,"- He walked towards the door until he looked back over his shoulder, -"I will rather much to see you alive tomorrow and conclude my job."
-"W-wait, I-"- I swallowed my words when he closed the door behind him and muttered under my breath. After a few seconds, -"Hey, Marco, you there?"
He stepped out of the locker slowly, gently pushing aside all the bags and clothes there from his way. I recognized those stuff -they're mine, actually. There was a huge bag where Mom and I packed clothes and towels whenever we went to the beach, the rainforests or waterparks (yeah, that was a long time ago. I was actually little, when I wasn't a victim of bullying and my relation with her was sparkling). I also saw a small Batman sack I used in school to carry my books whenever we had sports day and classes were only during the morning. Something like that. By the way, I also had a Batman lunchbox, but I don't see it in the locker. Marco and his mom must have gotten home to pack my stuff before coming here, or maybe they went after.
-"That was close,"- He said and settled on the fringes of my bed again, -"I thought he'd find me."
-"Yeah, I thought so too."- I hurled by body sideways, making space for him. I struggled, because my arms and abdomen hurt, and groaned. I patted the free area beside me, gesturing him to lay down with me.
-"Jean, you're not supposed to be moving like that..."- He said, laying comfortably beside me nevertheless.
-"It's fine,"- I rested my head on my pillow and scurried closer to him, -"Marco, he... said something about your... mental health, what did he mean?"
-"I... don't know,"- Marco's body shook, not only at the coldness, -"I'm not sure. Mom has been checking me, asking me some questions, but she's not certain either. I mean, we both... you know, experienced that and it affected us... in some way, it traumatized us, but I don't think it's severe. What do you think?"
I sighed and gazed at the dim ceiling, -"I definitely think it traumatized us. I sure as hell can't forget that, no matter how hard I try. Now it's worse with the fucking nightmare...,"- My body shook too and I again tried to ignore remembering the nightmare, -"... but what do you feel? You were... on the other, worse side of the coin, know what I'm saying?"
He nodded, understanding me, -"I know what you mean, but I... I'm not sure..."- He babbled, trying to organize his thoughts and emotions, but this time, they were jumbled, messed and he couldn't unravel it. He tried, but failed.
-"It's okay, Marco, I'm sure we'll... figure it out. We both will."
We laid close to each other and snuggled, none of us able to talk about anything else than today's events and since we didn't want to enter that topic anymore, we stayed quiet and just held each other close.
-"Jean, I... have to leave before the doctors or mom check up on me,"- He said, scurrying away from me reluctantly. He dismounted the bed, -"I'll come tomorrow, okay? I promise."
I pouted, already missing his warmth, -"Just stay for a little longer..."
His expression saddened, -"I wish, but I can't risk getting caught..."
Now worried plastered within me, -"Be careful, please."- I held his hand firmly.
He nodded and tottered close to me to plant a soft, careful kiss on my lips. He parted, but I hitched my body up to kiss him again. He descended his head and deepened the kiss. Our lips clashed with each other like waves against the shore, smooth and passionate, steady but hot. Beside me, the heart monitor beeped louder from my swift pounding heart -like it always gets whenever my boyfriend kisses or entices me like this- and Marco parted again. He smiled and chuckled, -"Goodnight, Jean. I love you."
-"Yeah, love you too."- We waved goodbyes and I was once again alone until I fell asleep.
Horrible, I know u.u