Chapter Two

Hours ached by. It took all morning to get off the boat, and another half of the day to get through the immigration building. Despite being a legal citizen, I stayed in line with the others coming from foreign countries. One way to stick out in this crowd was to skip the many lines and get straight through the building, which was one thing I did not want to do. I knew out of personal experience how many eyes Mr. Barnard, writer of the "Gamesome Gallant," had in the city. He would have them scouting this location almost endlessly and no doubt they would do whatever he asked just to get the money. I kept the brim of my hat low on my eyes and my head turned down to the ground. I could not risk being seen by anyone, whether I knew them or not. For all I knew, the woman with her three children ahead of me who looked about the same age as I knew exactly who I was.

I clasped my papers tightly in my hand, careful to not expose too much information on the outside for fear of my name showing. I didn't even think of creating a false name for the trip here. I found myself fidgeting with the papers as I neared the man who would check them. I looked down at my left hand and saw the empty ring finger. I kept remembering Henry presenting me with the most spectacular sapphire and diamond ring. I replayed that moment in my head for months on end, second after second, day after day. Eventually, I was able to push it away from my mind. Sometimes though, it managed to creep to the forefront of my mind and my heart would flutter immensely at the memory. But just as fast as the happiness swept over my body, immeasurable sadness and guilt overcame it.

I left him, I told myself. At his most vulnerable, I left him.

I had to keep reminding myself that, should I somehow be able to go back in time, I would still do the same thing over again. Henry belonged in New York. As much as he said he would travel the world with me and leave that very second, I knew he wouldn't be as happy as he was in the city. It was his home – it was never mine.

"Next," I heard the man abruptly yell, ripping me from my thoughts. "Ma'am, next."

I lifted my luggage from the ground and stepped toward him. His hand was outstretched for my papers and I reluctantly placed them in his hand. I did not recognize him. Then again, even if I did know him, it had been seven years since I've stepped foot in this country. No one would look the same. I only prayed that my name had been out of the papers for long enough for the world to forget it.

"Holland," he said to me, looking at my name. "Sounds familiar."

My heart was beating so fast it felt as though it was ripping itself from my chest.

"It's pretty common in Northern Europe," I hastily said.

"Holland…" he said again, trailing off as if trying to recall something. I peered at his name. Smithson was imprinted on his badge, with only the initial R for his first name. The name rang no bells in my mind, so I only hoped it would be the same for him.

"I think a distant cousin married a Holland, years ago." His voice was abnormally high, I realized. He spoke as if only through his small nose. "Delores, I think her name was. Any relation?"

I shook my head as my breath came out in a relieved sigh. "No," I replied, "I'm sorry."

"Coming back home, Miss Holland?" he asked, looking back down at the papers.

"Yes," I answered. "Visiting family."

Please just let me go.

He glanced up and I felt his eyes rake over my body. I knew he was just comparing me to my photo and description – petite, brown hair, brown eyes, white skin, thin frame – but the eyes made me uncomfortable. At any moment, he could recall my name from an old column and soon the whole world would know where I was. Henry would know where I was. I feared what he would do when he heard my name mentioned, after all these years, and that I was in the same city as him. Would he walk away and shrug it off, because he had fallen out of love with me long ago? Before I could think of any other possibilities, R. Smithson was handing me back my papers, welcoming me home, and wishing me a safe journey.

I grabbed the papers back quicker than I would have liked. I thanked him and walked away quickly before anyone else could get the chance to see me. I had never been this wary while I lived in Europe, but now – here – I was going positively mad about it.

I finished walking through the rest of the lines quickly. After R. Smithson, it was relatively fast leaving the immigration building. My next task was to get on the ferry that would finally take me ashore. I followed the masses, making sure to stay in the thick of the crowd with my head bowed low enough to block my eyes from anyone peering at me. The sun was beginning to lower in the sky, and the heat of the summer was unrelenting. The wool of my skirt and the stiffness of my collar felt as though they were suffocating me. Sweat appeared on my brow quickly. My gloved hand was drenched and sore from carrying my luggage the whole day. I quickened my pace, ready to be on the ferry and inland already.

The ride was short and uneventful. Children screamed and hollered, running up and down the seats in unending energy. I watched them, smiles on their faces and innocent laughter escaping their throats. I longed to return to that age, before all the heartache with Henry and Elizabeth, before I knew what it was to know the love of a man or the hatred of another. Before I knew the horrors of Elizabeth's life – how her second husband (though known as the first to the public) Snowden Cairns was the man responsible for not only our own father's death but for the death of her first husband, Will Keller. After she found it out, Mr. Cairns began sedating her while she was pregnant with hers and Will's child. From what Elizabeth managed to tell me shortly after, she awoke one night from the haze and managed to knock him off his feet enough to cause him to spill down the stairs to his fateful death. I left for Paris shortly thereafter. I hated leaving her, especially in the state in which she was, but I trusted Teddy with her. I had always had a funny feeling about Snowden and his odd interest in our family the moment we fell into financial woes. Teddy, though, was a friend of our family for… well, as long as I could remember. He and Elizabeth grew up together. I watched the joyful laughter as he looked at her turn into something more. He held a quiet love in his heart for Elizabeth, even proposing to her multiple times. I did not originally know why she refused him, but after learning of her and Will's love, I understood. I wasn't at their eventual wedding six months later. By then, Keller would have only been just born. From what I read in Aunt Edith's card, it was the most romantic ceremony she had ever seen, second only to the small intimate one between her and Will only a year prior.

I became suddenly jealous of my older sister. Through all the horrors she endured, she still managed to come out on top with only the best man for her. I, on the other hand, was only left with the crushing weight of leaving the one man I truly loved. It was better for both of us, I knew, but I wished for nothing more at that moment than to have ended up in the fairytale-like bliss Elizabeth had.

I was stuck inside my own thoughts for so long I hadn't even realized people had begun to stand from their seats to exit the ferry. It was nearly half empty before I noticed what was happening. I quickly grabbed my luggage and stood, making my way in the crowd. Mothers clutched tightly to their toddlers and fathers carried the large bags for the family. I, however, was quite possibly the only passenger who was utterly alone. Normally I wouldn't mind – after all, I had been alone for seven years and was quite content with the fact. But now I was back in the town I had grown up in and old thoughts and memories came flooding back. I suddenly felt the same way I had for seventeen years of my life. I felt vulnerable walking alone. Mother would have insisted on a chaperone and that I change out of my dreadfully plain clothes. I felt as though I must represent my family better.

No one knows your family, I reminded myself. I had gotten this far with no one knowing who I was. Or at least, I had hoped so.

Upon exiting the ferry, the sun was setting on the horizon highlighting the sky a bright orange. It was nothing like the sunsets off the southern coast of France, but it was a comfortable glow of being back home. A night breeze was coming in now, cooling the sweat that had pooled during the day. I fixed my high collar of my shirtwaist and moved a few stray hairs from my face. A gentleman at the edge of the dock held my hand as I stepped ungracefully off the ferry and back onto solid ground. It was hard and unyielding, unlike the swaying floors of the boat I had grown accustomed to these last few days. I smoothed my wool skirt back down, even though it was already smooth. Honestly, I was just biding time before knowing I needed to go home.

17 Gramercy.

It had been a while since I had thought of the address of my childhood home. Sure, I had written to it multiple times but it was almost unconsciously written. I remembered the dark brick of the home and old feel of the floors. Generations of Hollands had lived in that house. I was only one of the many inhabitants and it was only within this decade that ruin began the fall on the house. Beginning with our father's untimely death that Elizabeth had uncovered was actually a murder, one bad thing after another seemed to occur inside those walls.

I wondered how my mother would react to seeing me again. I knew she was unwell from the letters, but I couldn't imagine a strong woman like Louisa Holland being too unwell as to shout and hiss as I entered the doorway. I was her shamed, disgraced daughter. At the same time though, it had been seven years since we had each seen each other. Surely the pain would have eased.

"My god, Diana – is that really you?" I heard a man's voice calling me from my thoughts. I had reached the end of the dock where it met the cobbled street.

At first, I was terrified that it was Henry, but the voice was too high to have come from the deep tone I remembered Henry's to be. I looked up, taking the brim of my large hat with me, and met the man's eyes. My head had snapped up so quickly my neck almost hurt. I hadn't held my head up all day. I knew those deep, gray eyes and disheveled blonde hair anywhere. There were new lines on his face. I could feel tears instantly well in my eyes.

"Teddy," I said, but it came out in no more than a cracked whisper.

I dropped my bag immediately and ran to him, wrapping my thin arms around his neck. I could feel his warm arms wrap around my waist in return.

"Oh, Di," he whispered into my hair. We clutched each other tightly. When we let go, he looked me up and down. "I don't remember you being quite so… small!"

I cracked a smile. "I don't remember you looking quite so old, either. Has a crow stepped on your face?" I retorted, noticing the creased lines beside his eyes.

He chuckled and grabbed my bag. "Elizabeth notices them every morning. Always has to mention them. You two are more alike than either of you are willing to admit."

He began walking away from the docks, toward the street. I came to a screeching halt when I realized something. I hadn't written to anyone – anyone – that I was coming. Yet here Teddy was, waiting.

"Teddy," I called, making him stop and turn to look at me again, a smile still on his face.

"Yes, Diana?"

"How did you know?"

"Know what?"

"That I would be here. That I was coming back."

His jaw tightened. He took the couple steps toward me so when he spoke, I was the only one who heard him.

"It was in the papers this morning. Your name was on the ship's documented travelers – someone must have gotten hold of the list before the ship docked and told the papers. The whole city is buzzing, Di." His voice sounded excited, but my heart immediately sank. He thought I was home for good, which only meant that everyone else thought so, too.

I shook my head quickly. "Teddy, I must confess–"

He continued on without missing a beat. "Elizabeth is going to be so happy to know it wasn't false – you know how the papers are. Rumors abound everywhere. Half the city thinks it's a ruse and the other half… well, they still aren't thrilled about your return based on…" He trailed off.

Based on how you left, I finished for him in my mind.

"Yes, well," I said after we both fell silent for a moment too long. "Best not keep everyone waiting, then."

I had lost the will to tell him how long I was actually staying for. I couldn't stand to ruin his happiness such a short time after arriving. I resolved to tell everyone tonight when things had died down.

Though I should have known, after living in that city for so long, things never turn out quite like you plan.