Chapter Three

"Elizabeth allows you to keep this thing?" I asked, shocked.

The automobile was red and garish – everything Elizabeth was not. To me, it resembled a dog with its long snout and body. It held two rows of seats of black leather and had its steering wheel poking straight forward towards the first row. I could see the name scrolled on the front engine of the beast – Ford.

"Well, sort of," Teddy replied, placing my luggage in the back row of seats. He stepped up and behind the wheel. "She hates the thing, but she knows how much I adore it."

"I had only read about this company, Ford, in Europe. No one has them over there." I stared at the thing, half afraid to step inside its belly. Of course I had ridden in many horseless carriages but this was an automobile. A fine line between the two – perhaps the same thing to many – but to me, it was a thousand steps apart. Horseless carriages were for every man – poor or rich, it didn't matter. An automobile, on the other hand, was far too exquisite for the poor man. Only the wealthy could ever dream of owning such a piece of work, and even fewer actually had them in their grips.

"It's a Ford Model K. Just came out this year. Do you like it?" He cranked the beast to life, and it let out a loud roar. It shook with excitement.

"It's…" I hesitated for the right word.

Teddy rolled his eyes. "Just get in, Di. I promise it won't hurt you."

I tentatively slid in beside him – since there were no doors to hold you in, and gripped my skirt tightly in my fists.

The automobile was loud. Whenever Teddy tried to talk, I had to ask him to repeat his words. I felt every rock and pebble on the road from the docks. I had to hold my hand over my hat to keep the brim from flying up and falling off my head. It was only held on by a thin ribbon tied under my chin. It took me a few minutes, but I eventually got used to the rocking of the automobile and the loud hum of the engine. Teddy's words came clearer and clearer over the roar.

"You'll stay at our home, obviously," Teddy was saying. "Elizabeth will insist on it."

"Not in Gramercy?" I asked.

I had always pictured myself sleeping in my old room in my old bed, surrounded by the pink wallpaper and white fur rug that Henry had taken my innocence on. The house had many, many horrible memories living in its walls but it was my childhood home nonetheless. No matter what atrocities had occurred in there, they were in my past as a young and naïve girl. I was a grown woman now. The nightmares in the walls could hurt me no longer.

"I should think not," said Teddy. "As you know, your mother is in no state to receive you. It would shock her heart, surely. She is very weak, Diana." His voice was soft, careful, and tender. It made my head snap toward him in unease. Had Edith underplayed the severity of Mother's illness? Was she actually much worse than I had thought?

I had to distract myself from these thoughts. I would get answers soon enough, but my mind did not want them right now. I said the first thing that came to mind, but quickly regretted it.

"When you said the whole city knew of my arrival, did you mean everyone?"

He knew exactly of whom I was speaking of. The one man that made me leave the city in the first place.

Teddy was so silent and focused on the road, I was unsure if he had heard me over the engine. I was about to drop the subject when he finally replied.

"I haven't talked to Henry yet today."

Hearing someone else mention his name was an entirely new feeling – or at least one I had not felt in a very long time. I had spoken and thought Henry's name thousands of times over these last few years but to hear someone else speak it nearly ripped me in half. Half in glee, half in terror.

I wanted to flood Teddy with questions about Henry. For the first time in years, I was in the vicinity of someone who could finally answer them. But I stayed quiet. Perhaps I did not want to know the answers or maybe I wanted to keep my composure and not burst into tears in front of my brother-in-law.

We spent the rest of the ride in silence. By the time we reached his and Elizabeth's home, it was dark. I was thankful for the darkness of night – it meant people on the street had less of a chance of seeing and recognizing me. I was content knowing that, on Monday, there would be no scandalous story in the papers of Mr. Theodore Cutting welcoming a brunette mistress into his home – the exact opposite color of his wife's angelic blonde hair.

Their home was of modest size – certainly larger than many had, but far less ostentatious than what I remembered Penelope's family home to be. The outside of their house was made of grey stone that probably shone white in the summer sun. They had a deep navy blue door slated with glass panes intricately designed. Their home was situated right on 5th Avenue, facing the large Central Park where I was ice skated with a man Mother wanted me to marry. His name was lost to me now, but I distinctly remembered him falling into the ice while I watched and giggled. That was the winter Elizabeth was presumed dead to the rest of the world, but she let me in on hers and Will's secret elopement.

Teddy brought the large automobile around to the back of the house, where a small shed waited to welcome it. He rolled it in slowly and it fit perfectly, allowing just enough space for him and I to hop out. It was much different than the stables and carriage spot I was used to at Gramercy. Smaller. More quaint. Then again, had I expected him and Elizabeth to live in the exact same lifestyle as the one we grew up in? Elizabeth was traditional, but she certainly paved her own path.

We walked out of the shed, Teddy continuing to carry my luggage, and headed toward the back of the house. I looked up at the building, again admiring it. As I said, it was a fairly good size. She and Teddy were obviously more than fine on finances, but less off than what we were when we were children. This was a cozy home. One Elizabeth's children will be happy they grew up in. She would assure they had a better life growing up than either of us had in that stuffy Gramercy home.

"Coming Diana?" Teddy called from the back door. I realized I had been standing and staring at their house for longer than I intended.

I blinked rapidly, drawing myself out of my haze. "Sorry," I mumbled. I quickly caught up to him and he opened the door. Immediately, the smell of something delicious hit my nose. Someone was cooking.

The room we had stepped into was messy – not what I was expecting of the pristine Elizabeth I had remembered. Coats hung haphazardly on hooks and umbrellas lay either littered on the ground or in a stand. Mail was strewn on a table – some envelopes were opened while others were left untouched.

Just as I was about to comment, a figure stepped in ahead of us, poking her head around the corner.

"Oh! Good you're home," she said, wiping her hands on a towel, "I was beginning to wonder–" Her voice came to a halt the moment her eyes locked onto mine. "Diana!"

Tears came to my eyes again that day. It had been seven years since I last saw my sister. Despite our differences growing up and the tussles we got into, we were still sisters by blood. It broke my heart every day being away from her. I realized that must have been how it felt when she went away with Will all those years ago. Only, I got to say my goodbyes. She never did.

"Elizabeth."

We raced together and wrapped our arms around each other. We held tight and I never wanted to let go. I had wondered what this moment would be like over and over again since I decided to return home, but nothing felt quite so right as this moment. I had had my doubts about coming back, but this made those doubts drift away. I was home. I was back with Elizabeth. Things were going to be all right.

When we eventually released each other, we both had to wipe under our eyes to rid of the water that had gathered there.

"You're back," she said, her voice gathering strength again.

"Sorry to disappoint," I joked.

She smiled and laughed. Oh, how I missed that tinkling of a laugh. It was like the smallest, most gracious of bells being rung at a church service.

"Please, come in!" she said, moving away from the entrance. "Step out of that filthy room and let me have a look at you." I entered into a large kitchen. I expected there to be at least three cooks the way the place smelled but there was only one small girl, who seemed too young to be a professional cook. She was busying away over a pot with her back turned to me. Beside her, the only ones in the room were the three of us. "You came just in time," Elizabeth continued without missing a breath. "Supper is almost ready. My, would you look at you! You've grown into a beautiful young lady."

We were only two years apart, but I supposed that everything she had been through compared to me had made her seem older than that.

I could feel her eyes glance down at my hand, looking for a ring.

She expects you to be married, I realized to myself. After all, by my age, she had been married three times and welcomed two children into the world.

I hid my hand behind my skirts. She sighed and said, "You've lost a lot of weight. Are you eating well over there?" A grateful change in subject.

I smiled and laughed it off. "I'm fine, Elizabeth. Like you said, I've grown. You've changed, too!" I noticed the fine lines on her face, similar to Teddy's. Where his were smile lines around his eyes and lips, hers were creased onto her forehead, probably from perpetual fear over her children. I could always tell from her few letters how much she worried over them. She was so used to losing things just as quickly as she was happy – I suppose it takes a while to change that kind of mindset.

Teddy cleared his throat and lifted my luggage in his hand slightly as a signal to Elizabeth. Her face went bright red and her eyes flashed wider.

"Oh, of course! Teddy, be a dear and show Diana to her room so she can change for supper. Anna and I will finish in here." He nodded and began heading away from the room. Elizabeth took a moment to touch my arm gently. "It really is good to have you back, Di." The way her voice softened made my heart break. I had to remind myself after we all ate to tell them the truth – that I planned to stay for only two weeks. Surely they must understand. This city is no longer my home, only theirs.

I quickly followed Teddy out of the large kitchen and through their ornately decorated dining room. Connected to their dining room was then their parlor before finally entering the front of the house where curved stairs led upwards. The house was new, I recalled him saying on the ride in, but somehow retained a warm and comfortable feeling. They had lived in this place since they got married and had certainly made it their own. Portraits hung on walls of Elizabeth and her children, even one of Mother hung above a fireplace in their parlor. Occasional children's toys were strewn about different rooms, probably to be picked up by Elizabeth later that night.

The stairs at Gramercy had a familiar creak to each step. So familiar, in fact, that you could always tell which step someone was on whenever they travelled up the stairs. That house was old and been through many generations of Hollands. This home, however, was silent on the stairs. It probably should have felt eerie to me, but instead hardly made me think of anything.

Once we got to the top, the hallway split into two directions. Teddy took me to the left where he opened the door at the end. It opened to a large room with many windows draped in white lace. He turned a switch to his left on and slowly, light began to fill the room. There was an odd buzz in the air that I realized must have been electricity.

I guess that's one way to know you're back in a wealthy city.

For so long, I had been living with gaslight and firelight. I had forgotten all about electricity.

"I'll let you make yourself comfortable. Anna will be up shortly to get you for supper. Will you be alright?" Teddy asked, placing my luggage on top of a trunk at the end of the four-poster bed.

I nodded and he left the room. As the lights in the room became brighter and brighter, I began to look around at everything. This was quite obviously an extra bedroom used for guests. I wasn't sure how often Elizabeth had guests, though. From what I could tell from Edith's letters, the Holland family was cast out of much of the spotlight shortly after I left. With Elizabeth welcoming a new child and new life, she had kept out of society for so long that I guess they forgot about her until it was announced she was pregnant again. When she had Evelyn, it was announced in the papers as tradition and then she quietly stepped back out of society again.

I wondered for a brief moment how the children would react to meeting me. Evelyn was only four, but surely Elizabeth had told her about me? And Keller… well, he was almost ten. It was weird to think he has grown so fast. Everyone had grown so fast, me included.

I unlatched the locks on my bag and opened it. I pulled out my few dresses I had and laid them on the bed. I would store them properly soon, but for now I just stared at them in the stark contrast of the room. The dresses were plain, in neutral earth tones. I could never dream of being able to afford the beautiful gowns I had once adorned myself with begrudgingly. While in Europe I worked at many taverns and pubs, often at the mercy of men's gropes and roving eyes to get my wages. I never stayed in one country too long, but the men in London were the least brutish so I stayed there for the last two years at a place called McNally's. The staff was kind and honest with the work being easy and dull. Had my younger self met my current self, I feel like she would be let down by who I had become.

When I was seventeen, I planned on living a life full of great adventure. I planned to travel and never stop. I never once thought of money as an object I needed. I had lived such a luxurious life without ever knowing it. When it came down to it, I had no idea how to live poorly. I had to learn a completely new lifestyle.

And now, looking at the sheets on Elizabeth's bed, I had forgotten my previous life. The thick blanket had an overlay of yellow silk embroidered with golden thread. This was the nicest bedding I had seen in years, and it nearly brought tears to my eyes when I compared it against my dresses laid out on the bed. What I had thought were appropriate evening wear was nothing more than a maid's dress, probably something similar to their Anna wore.

I wouldn't dare ask Elizabeth for any of her clothing. I couldn't face the shame. So instead I picked the very nicest thing I owned – it was an all white gown with a tulle underlay to give it a fuller skirt. The skirt itself was dappled with green flowers and their petals drifting as if falling to the floor. I pulled an olive-colored ribbon from my bag and tied it around my small waist, giving it just a little more of an emphasis.

I nearly leapt out of my skin when I heard someone opening the door. I turned around, startled, only to be met by the small frame of the girl who must have been Anna.

"Miss Diana, supper is finished. Do you need any help with your dress?" she asked. Her voice was small, like I remembered Claire's. Claire was Lina's sister – they were both our maids growing up but now lived a far superior life as socialites.

Looking at the girl, I realized she was no older than fifteen.

"It's Anna, right?" I asked. She nodded. "I would love some help tying this ribbon behind me, if you don't mind."

She smiled politely and stepped into the room. She tied it within seconds. I eyed myself in the mirror one last time, fixing the stray hairs that had fallen out throughout the long day. To be honest, I wasn't even particularly hungry. I was more exhausted than anything.

"Anything else, Miss?" Anna asked.

I shook my head. "No, I don't believe so. How do I look?" I took a turn for her.

"Absolutely stunning, Miss," she said, her eyes lighting up. I recognized that look – envy. It was the same look Lina gave Elizabeth every day. They used to be best friends, her, Lina, and Will. But Will fell in love with Elizabeth instead of Lina, and so Lina felt betrayed. Their friendship became so distant that it was hard to remember that they had once been so close. Anna's envy was different though. It did not come from a place of malice but instead of wonder. She had never owned anything like this in her life and she had never even dreamt of owning such fine material in her life, even though it was mundane to me.

"We shouldn't keep them waiting, then, shall we?" I said, taking her small hand in mine and leading out of the bedroom, leaving the cheap dresses on the fine bedding.

As we headed down the curling stairs, I could hear children's laughter emanating from the dining room. I quickened my steps, eager to meet my little niece and nephew for the first time.

They were just as perfect as I imagined. Keller had Will's dark hair and deep blue eyes, but had Elizabeth's ivory complexion and smile. Evelyn had both Elizabeth's and Teddy's blonde hair but the Holland brown eyes. Keller immediately knew who I was and shouted, "Auntie Di!" the moment I reached the last step. He raced through the parlor and I greeted him half way, his arms wrapped around my skirts.

I knelt down to be at his level. "You can't be Keller, can you?" I asked.

He giggled and replied, "Of course I am!"

I shook my head, mocking seriousness. "No, you can't be. The Keller I heard of is much cuter."

"But I am Keller!" his little voice screeched. He couldn't fully pronounce his "R"s, so he said his name more like "Kelluh."

Little Evelyn came racing in, a smile lighting up her face as well. "Evie!" I called, holding my arms out to her. She leapt into them, squealing as she did.

"Di!" she laughed as I tickled her stomach.

Keller was pulling on my skirts, leading me toward to another room. I held Evelyn in my arms as we all walked into the dining room. There, Elizabeth and Teddy were already waiting along with another woman – much older this time, probably closer to Aunt Edith's age. She held her white hair in a tight bun on the back of her head and had the brightest blue eyes I had ever seen. Though she had stern lines on her face, she looked to be happy to see all four of us walk into the room.

"I'll begin serving," Anna said, leaving my side and exiting into the kitchen.

The older woman stepped forward and took Evelyn from my hands. Keller followed her and his sister to the other side of the table.

"Shall we sit?" Teddy said, opening a chair for me. I smiled and took it, with everyone following suit soon after me.

The ceramic plates glittered white in front of me, with a simple gold lining around the edge. As Anna brought out food, I kept glancing over at the older woman, wondering if I had known her from somewhere. She looked so familiar, but so different at the same time. My mind could not place her.

Elizabeth must have seen me eyeing her. Between a spoonful of her soup, she said to me, "Diana, I'd like you to meet Delores. She's been helping out with the children. They can be quite a handful, can't they Delores?"

Delores let out a short chuckle. "They can, Miss."

She's a helper, I realized. I tried to shake the confusion off my face, but it was so odd to me that Elizabeth was letting the woman eat in the dining room with us. Mother would have never allowed it. Maids and cooks and the like were never allowed to sit and eat in the dining room, let alone with the main household.

"Do you recognize her, Di?" Elizabeth continued.

I swallowed my soup before answering. "She looks familiar, that's all."

Elizabeth smiled. "Well, she should. Mother hired her when you were born to take care of you."

I blinked rapidly. "Oh?"

Delores broke in, saying, "Mrs. Louisa was seeking out my service shortly after you entered the world. She had said you were quite the problem child – oh, you were always so fussy, crying and screeching all the time." She was smiling at the memory, but my face was flushed red. I had never heard any of this before. Mother had always said I was a terrible child, but I never knew to what extent. "It took me ages to figure out what you wanted. I tried feeding you, changing you, taking you outside for strolls – nothing pleased you."

"So what was it?" I asked.

"You wanted me to read to you in your father's library."

I vaguely remembered, then, a memory of sitting in a woman's lap while she held a book in front of both of us and read the words on the page with such fervor. Whether the memory was real or conjured, I didn't know. What I did know was that I had always found solace in Father's library, even after he died.

We all finished our soups and Anna brought out the next rotation of food. While it was being served, Elizabeth had her head turned to Teddy about to tell him something, but I could feel her looking at me as she said it.

"Henry came and visited today."

I dropped my fork and it fell heavily to the floor, leaving a clattering noise on the wood in its wake.

"Sorry," I mumbled, dropping to pick it up. Anna had put the plate in front of me before reaching down to help as well.

"It's alright, Miss," she said, not knowing what had caused my sudden outburst. "I'll go fetch you another one."

"He did?" Teddy replied to Elizabeth, obviously unaware of the commotion over on my end of the table.

"Yes. He was looking for you, but I told him you were out for the day. I told him to return tomorrow for visiting hour."

"Does he know?" I interjected without thinking. I tried telling myself that I didn't care. It was a lie.

"Well, it was in every major paper this morning. I would assume so," Elizabeth answered. My appetite was suddenly gone. My head began to pound and I closed my eyes. "Diana, are you alright? You've gone quite white."

I put my napkin on the table next to my plate and scooted my chair away from the table. "I'm suddenly not feeling so well. I must be… tired. From my travels. I think I'll just go to bed."

"Diana, I didn't mean any offense–" Elizabeth began.

I just shook my head and stood from the table. "Of course you didn't. It's quite alright. I shall see you in the morning, sister."

I kissed Keller and Evelyn on their foreheads and wished Anna and Delores a goodnight before leaving the room. The moment I was out of their sites, I released the water that had been building behind my eyes.

My feet felt like lead walking up those stairs, each step heavier than the last. Henry knew – he knew I was back. The whole city knew I was back. The quiet in-and-out I had hoped for became a shattered dream. I was stupid to think I could come back unnoticed.

When I got into my room, I closed the door and stripped myself out of my dress and into my sheer white nightgown. I remembered the fine materials I used to sleep in – silk with lace embellishments – but this was plain white cotton cloth. Nothing special, just like me.

Tomorrow, I told myself, I would convince Teddy to drive me to Gramercy to finally see Mother and her condition. I had heard little to nothing about what she was actually suffering from, and Teddy's earlier talk made me more worried.

A knock at my door broke me from my thoughts. Without waiting to hear whether the knocker could come in or not, the door opened. Elizabeth's face popped in holding a plate in her hand.

"Diana, I'm so sorry for what I said at the table. I just… I assumed… It's been seven years. I didn't know you still held Henry so highly," Elizabeth said, stepping in with trepidation.

"You still love Will, don't you?" I asked.

She wasn't expecting a question like that. She stepped in closer and shut the door behind her. The plate was placed on the table next to my bed and Elizabeth sat down next to me on the mattress.

"Why do you ask?" Elizabeth answered.

I sighed, wiping the tears from my cheeks. It was pointless – more fell shortly after. "You loved him. With everything you had, you loved him. You gave up everything for him – you left the city and created a beautiful life for the both of you. And all too soon, that happiness was ripped from you." A pain I hadn't seen in years crossed her face then. I quickly continued, "When I told you about Henry, do you remember what you said to me?"

She furrowed her brows. "No, I do not."

"You told me to leave. You said that Henry and I needed to leave New York – that we would never find true happiness here. We were going to leave, Elizabeth, before Henry's father died. He couldn't leave; he had too much responsibility to leave. He tried to convince me that everything was going to be fine now that his father had died. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't stay. Not without knowing that every corner I turned, women would be whispering and talking about the mistress who tore his and Penelope's marriage apart. I couldn't bear it. So I left."

"Diana, I still don't know why–"

"You never stopped loving Will, even though he's been gone for years. You never will stop loving him – he's become a part of you. That's Henry to me. He's like… a dandelion. A beautiful flower, but a weed. I tried ripping him off of me every day for years, but I never had the courage to rip out the roots. He still grows on me, beautifully and terribly at the same time."

Elizabeth shook her head. "I'm so sorry, Diana. It was wrong of me to assume."

I pursed my lips, feeling my salty tears between them. "It's not your fault. Any sane person would have fallen out of love with a man they hadn't seen or spoken to in almost a decade."

That made Elizabeth laugh. "You know what the papers say – the Holland girls were never really sane to begin with."

She began to get up and leave the room but I stopped her by saying, "Thank you."

"For?"

"Letting me stay here." I shrugged. "Giving me a home, warm food. And… letting me rant about everything. I haven't had anyone to talk to for so long."

"You've always had me, Diana," she said. "Eat your food. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

She left the room just as quietly as she had come. I finished my dinner, though I still felt no appetite. I pulled back the covers on the bed and lay there, for what seemed like hours, with a million thoughts running through my head. Eventually, I was able to close my eyes and drift off into a dreamless sleep.