A/N: I'm going to be an asshole. Just gonna give you that warning now. And, for the record, it's ok for guys to cry. Whether they're young boys, teens, or grown ass men, it's ok for them to show emotion. Keep in mind how damaged some of these characters are at this point, ok? And Triple T, I hope you're satisfied by the answer. ;) Enjoy your chapter, darlings.
'I have someone I want you to talk to, kitten.' Varric's words played in her head over and over. Who the hell was it and why did he say it in such a soothing tone? She hadn't slept since she'd gotten to Skyhold, and her nerves were on edge. Almost freezing to death a second time wasn't exactly her favorite thing to do. To top it off, they'd been traveling for a week. Thank god for Solas' guidance, or they'd have been lost! She had the worst sense of direction ever!
She stomped her way up the ramparts to the corner Varric had specified to go to. He'd been very exact with his directions. As if on cue, the Dwarf in question stepped around the corner and held up both of his hands. Her leg roared in pain, scolding her for stomping around. She should've known better. The pain only heated her temper even more.
"Now… I don't want you to get mad at me for this, or punch me… I did this for a reason, Mina. And, I'm sorry," he apologized.
Mina's face went from curious to absolutely livid. There were two people in the entire world that would piss her off so much that Varric would feel the need to apologize to her for bringing without telling her first. Anders and Hawke.
She flew past him and down the stairs, ready to throw some words at whoever the fuck it was! Whichever one of them it was, she was more than ready to kick some ass! She'd been through way too much for them to just show up and-!
A man wearing tattered armor with thick black hair turned around to face her. He had the same blood smear on his face that she remembered. He looked a bit older and more worn out than ever, but he was still the same. Her heart thudded against her chest. The anger didn't subside at all, but it was joined by a deep sorrow that could've shattered her very soul.
He smiled at her like he knew he was in trouble.
Mina couldn't find her voice for a moment. She just stared at him, ignoring Varric watching them from several feet away.
"Do you ever wash your face?" she mumbled. Hawke looked taken aback at her comment. She walked forward, a ball of water in hand and gently washed the blood and dirt from his handsome face. She hated herself for being all gentle and soft with him. It made her even angrier. Damn this man for making her feel this way! The water dissipated from her hand, but she let it hover, just barely not touching his face.
His hand enveloped hers and held it to his face. "Hello, cutie. It's good to see you again," he said happily. Mina's eye twitched as she pulled away. That was it? Her nickname and 'it's good to see you'. That was the Champion's hello. Was that supposed to make everything between them ok again?
She pulled her fist back and his him square in the jaw, anger overtaking her once more.
"Hawke, you bloody, fucking idiot! Four damned years! Four! Not a single fucking word from you! I sent Varric letters and sent some for him to give to you as well! That mother fucking asshat!" She paused to turn to Varric, who was backing away slowly.
"And you! You knew where he was the whole time, didn't you?! You can both sodding fuck of. You bunch of twats!"
She screamed in frustration and stormed off to find somewhere to sleep. She was too tired to try and deal with this, plus all of the wounded, and constant questions from the fucking people! This was enough for one day!
She neared the bottom of the stairs when she saw the ever organized Josephine. A perfect person to ask!
"Josie! Where in the fuck can I sleep?" she snapped. Josephine's eyes widened in surprise as she tried to flip through the pages she held. Apparently she was trying to keep tabs on the rooms that were usable along with every other detail of the old place. Mina kicked herself for being so cross with the sweet woman. It wasn't her fault. Now that Mina thought about it, Leliana knew exactly who Varric had contacted. Cullen and Josephine didn't know, and Mina would bet money that Cassandra didn't know.
She almost wished it had been Anders! She would've killed him on the spot. That damned fool started the whole Templar-Mage war to begin with. That wasn't the exact issue anymore, but it sure didn't help things.
Dorian sauntered over, as dashingly fabulous as always. Mina made a face and rubbed her eyes. Dorian chuckled at her.
"Mina, dear, you look awful. You need a warm bath or some tea. In this squalor, though… It might be hard to come by," he teased. Mina smiled a bit and rolled her eyes. He had a way of lightening her mood no matter what. She swore that they could be getting ready to be beheaded and he'd make a joke and make her laugh one last time.
"Dorian, I believe you're right! First thing's first, though! I need some sleep. I have a lot on my mind at the moment, and you wouldn't BELIEVE who just showed up," she said a bit more dramatically than she'd meant to. Dorian ate it up and looped his arm through hers. He was all ears, but he knew better than to stand between her and sleep. Especially since she was already so grouchy.
Josephine piped up, "Oh! Here's a lovely room for you. It's spacious, has a view, and no one will bother you up there, your Worship. It had some work that still needs to be done, but for now, if you will excuse it, there is a bed for you."
Mina thanked the Ambassador graciously and excused herself after Josephine explained where it was. Knowing Josephine, the only thing wrong with it was that it didn't have the finest furnishings in Thedas, and wasn't completely dust free. The one bad thing was that it was up a bunch of stairs. But, if she wasn't so tired, it wouldn't have really been that big a deal.
Mina entered the room and chuckled to herself. She had been right. It had a run-of-the-mill looking bed and no fine carpets decorating it. It had beautiful windows that were a bit dusty, and Mina's favorite thing yet… a fireplace! The Inquisitor plopped down her pack that she'd grabbed from one of the tents and dug out her bed clothes. She was actually one of the last people to get a room. She'd made sure that the soldiers and the other workers had a place to sleep indoors before she did. Not to mention the few villagers that had accompanied them.
After Mina's three hour nap, she woke up hungry, and in pain as usual. It was more dull than usual, and this time it wasn't what woke her up. She'd started having night terrors… Waking up, terrified that what she'd dreamt was still right around the corner or it had come to pass. She was soaked in sweat, didn't want anyone near her, and couldn't get her heart rate to slow. Reality took its sweet time to set in and left her mind in the nightmare she'd just experienced. Most of the time, it was Corypheus killing the ones she promised to protect while she stood there watching helplessly.
She made her way down the stairs to the main hall where several people were eating dinner. She joined Sera, Bull, and Blackwall at a table, not really joining in the conversation, and poking at her food despite how hungry she was. Mina just couldn't get her mind off of her dream. In particular, there was someone in them that she couldn't place. A little girl with curly black hair and big blue eyes stood on the battlements of Skyhold with a wooden sword, almost ready to cry. She stood there bravely with a makeshift red and black cape tied around her neck. Before her was a terribly massive spider looking creature. Mina felt that she had to save this little girl no matter what it took, but she could never get there in time. But, right before the monstrous creature reached the child, Hawke came out of nowhere and swept the girl up in his arms. Mina reached them and took the girl from Hawke. But, Hawke was impaled by one of the monster's claws… No matter what Mina did, she couldn't save them both. She either lost the girl to the monster, or she let Hawke die. That's when she would wake up screaming and thrashing.
"Hey, Quizy, you payin attention?" Sera asked as she threw some bread at Mina's head. The Elf barely dodged it and looked over at her silly friend.
"Uh, no, sorry. I was thinking about some stuff," Mina answered quietly.
"That much is obvious," Sera sassed, "Why are you so frowny?"
"I've had a rough day. And, I think I'm still contemplating murdering Varric," Mina said with a smirk.
Blackwall and Bull chuckled at that while Sera bounced excitedly. She was probably thinking of a prank to pull on the Dwarf on Mina's behalf.
"Lighten up. We've got a strong fortress, good food, and better company," Blackwall commented as he wrapped an arm around her.
Bull took a gulp of ale and held his stein in the air, "Yeah, boss! Listen to the Beard. The drink is great, and you look like you could use one right now." He snatched her a stein of her own and refilled his, insisting they drink together. Mina gladly chugged down the sweet ale and wiped her mouth on her sleeve. She definitely needed that!
"So why you wanna get at ol' Varric anyway? What's he done that's so bad?" pried Sera. She was always the one to get to know all the good stuff just to know it. She didn't usually spread gossip rampantly like Viv or Dorian. Mina figured that everyone would find out eventually anyway. She was a pseudo-celebrity after all. Being the head of the Inquisition probably wouldn't give her much privacy.
"Uh… Well, long story short, he contacted Champion Hawke, who I used to hang around with in Kirkwall. Actually, I knew them all. Varric is my adopted brother of sorts, and so was Fenris," Mina started, almost making Sera drop some turkey fro, her mouth. Bull looked at Mina smugly and Blackwall narrowed his eyes.
"I worked for Varric and ended up in Clan Lavellan with my sister, got sent to the Conclave and well, you know the rest. Oh! And Hawke and I used to be a thing," she finished in a rush.
"No bloody way! You banged the Champion of Kirkwall?!" Sera exclaimed.
A rich, deep laugh sounded from behind Mina. She almost slunk back to her room right then.
"Actually, there was no banging involved. Between cutie and I," Hawke chimed in. He took a seat to Mina's left, opposite Bull and Sera; Blackwall was to her right. They all sized up the Champion, obviously different things going through their heads. Sera's thoughts probably bordered on pornographic, Bull was thinking of at least 20 different ways to kill him, and Blackwall was trying to determine if he was going to have to protect Mina from this man.
"Garrett Hawke, everyone," Mina introduced him with gritted teeth.
"Cutie? Is that what he calls you? Heeheehee! That's just as bad as 'Herald'!" Sera guffawed.
Hawke chuckled at Sera's comment and glanced over at Mina. She ignored him. He gave up and settled his eyes on Bull, "Haven't seen a Qunari since I took down the Arishok. Your people are doing well then?" His tone was polite, and Mina sensed he was being sincere. After the whole incident, the Qunari dragged away all evidence and told Kirkwall they would never speak of it again. As close to an apology as the Qunari would get, apparently.
"Well enough," Bull answered taking another drink of ale.
Hawke smiled and turned to Blackwall, "A Warden huh? My sister joined the Wardens after the circles disbanded. Her name's Bethany."
Blackwall rubbed his beard in thought a moment, "I can't say I've run into her. I've been off on my own for quite some time now."
Hawke nodded and took a sip of the ale he brought with him, "I have a contact in the Wardens that I think would be of help, Inquisitor."
Mina shut her eyes tight a moment before turning to him. "Ah, being helpful now are you, Champion Hawke? That would've been lovely when Haven was being destroyed," she replied with a menacing smile.
Hawke sighed and shook his head, "I'm sorry, ok? I was taking care of something and didn't get Varric's letter until it was too late. Fenris says hello by the way."
Mina's face softened at the mention of Fenris. She wished he was there. He'd be able to help her figure out what to say to the idiot man that sat next to her. They'd always helped each other figure out what to do. That place beside the river with the rocks was their sanctuary. It had heard more discussions between Mina and Fenris than the world would ever know.
She cleared her throat and tried to ignore the looks she was getting from her friends.
"I hope he's doing well. He sent me a letter a while back when we were still at Haven." Her eyes clouded up and she stared at the wooden table in front of her. Sadness threatened to overwhelm her. She decided to change the subject again.
"So, who's this Warden contact of yours? How can he help?" Mina asked, putting on her professional face.
Hawke looked a little disappointed at her sudden change in demeanor. She hadn't noticed that his hand was slowly getting closer to hers on the table. He quickly moved it away and closed himself off. His voice was purely the Champion in that moment. Garrett was hidden away from Mina again.
"His name is Stroud. He knows a thing or two about where the rest of the Wardens have gone. He might even know something about Corypheus' plans. I'll explain more in detail at the War Meeting tomorrow. If you'll excuse me, Inquisitor." He nodded politely to the others and took his leave. Mina slumped down in her seat and tried to hold down the little bit of food she'd actually eaten.
Garrett hid in the corner of the Main hall, watching everyone. He didn't know what to do. He'd lost everything. His family, his friends, and now Mina. He was tired of fighting, tired of losing, and tired of being 'the Champion'. He was just tired. Everything he'd wanted went to shit. All of his plans were ruined. Each time he tried to pick himself back up, something knocked him back down. This time, it seemed to be holding him there. As the hours passed, he watched her. He watched his Mina laugh with new people, tell stories, and drink as if all was right. He knew that being the leader of a newly formed cause was a heavy weight on her, but she didn't show it. Her silver hair glowed in the firelight, and her deep red eyes seemed almost like an inviting fire.
She had no idea how much he ached for her to be in his arms. He regretted never saying how he felt. He regretted letting her go off to that damned Clan. He tried to drown himself in booze. He tried to forget his misery.
Varric interrupted his brooding.
"You going to stare at her all night, Hawke?" his best friend asked.
Garrett snorted and shrugged, "Tried talking to the Inquisitor, but she doesn't want anything to do with me."
Varric shook his head, "So, don't talk to the Inquisitor. Talk to Mina. Explain to her why you were gone for so long. She'll listen to you. I know she will."
Garrett leaned his head back against the cold stone wall. He wasn't so sure about that. The woman before him was different than before. She was more hardened and, if he was honest, she was terrifying. The look in her eyes when she flipped that switch from Mina to Inquisitor was astounding. She held more power than she knew. Maker, she was intimidating. In his heart, he knew he still wouldn't give up so easily.
After dinner, Mina walked around Skyhold, inspecting what still had to be done, and enjoying the wind on her face. She happened to glance up and see a figure standing on the ramparts. It looked like Hawke… She shook her head and made her way towards the practice dummies where Cassandra spent most of her days. Much to her surprise, Mina heard shouting from a building close by. She rushed in, not sure what to expect.
Cassandra was grilling Varric, almost chasing him around a table. Mina was still mad at him, but she didn't want him to be skinned alive by the Seeker.
"You lied to us! We needed a leader! He could've been exactly what we needed!" she shouted. Mina watched them a moment. They didn't seem to notice she was there yet.
"You didn't need him! You've got a leader, and a damned good one too. Mina's more than enough for the Inquisition, Seeker!"
"That may be, but it doesn't change the fact that you withheld information from us! You didn't mention that she knew the Champion. If we would've known—"
"You wouldn't have treated her any different. You would've interrogated her more and demanded to know where Hawke was. She didn't know. I didn't tell her for that reason; to keep her safe from you. I failed, apparently, but she's done well for herself."
Cassandra snorted in disgust, "No one can trust you, you arrogant—"
"Enough!" yelled Mina. She caught both of them by surprise.
"You are defending him?" accused Cassandra.
Mina shot a look at Varric and sighed, "No, I'm not. He should've said something, but you don't need to persecute him. Hawke is here now, and that's what matters."
"Thank you!" Varric said.
"I'm still very angry at you, brother," Mina hissed.
He threw his hands in the air and began to walk away. Cassandra had one more thing to hurl his way.
"If he would've been at the Conclave, he could've saved so many lives."
Varric stopped in his tracks and looked at them both, "If he would've been there, he would've died too. You people… you've taken enough from him."
That was a slap in the face to Mina. She'd never, never, taken anything from Hawke. She'd tried her best to be there for him when he needed it.
Cassandra stomped about and turned to Mina expectantly. "Inquisitor, you cannot trust him. He is a snake, and a—"
"I said enough, Cassandra. Watch what you say about my brother. He had his reasons. I will never doubt him or his motives. Varric doesn't turn his back on family, and Hawke and I are his family," Mina snapped.
Mina hurriedly hunted Varric down to try and salve what damage had been done. She wanted him to know that no matter how angry at him she was, she still trusted him. He was still her big brother and a very important part of her life. Without him, she would've been so lost in Kirkwall, and in Haven.
She found him sitting in front of the fireplace in the Main Hall. He had a similar set up to his suite in the Hanged Man. Mina smiled at it sadly. She put a hand on his shoulder gently, not sure what to say.
"Varric… I'm sorry. Cassandra was wrong. I still trust you. You know that right? I trust you with my life, and you're my family. You never give up on family. I-I just… I wanted to know that he was ok so badly. I didn't understand…" She trailed off and stared at the same dying fire.
"I know, kitten. You never give up on family. I did have my reasons for not telling you. I promise. If it were possible that I could've told you I would have," he said quietly.
They stood there in silence for a few minutes before he spoke up again.
"I think I'm going to avoid the Seeker for a while. I don't want to risk getting cut in half," he chuckled, "It's getting late. I think I'm going to turn in."
Mina kissed his forehead and wandered back out to Skyhold's grounds. She knew she wouldn't be able to sleep that night. At least, not for very long. She found herself on the ramparts close to where she'd seen the figure standing earlier. It wasn't there anymore, but Mina wished it was. She had no doubt that it had been Hawke. Instead of going back to her quarters, she decided to stay out there and watch the stars. The world was so peaceful out in the mountains. One could almost forget about the overwhelming evil that lurked out there. Almost.
Arms wrapped around Mina's waist, making her jump and tense up. She knew without looking that it was him. The only reason she hadn't tried to burn the person into a pile of ashes was because she knew, just by his touch—by his scent—that it was Hawke. She didn't try to push him away or scold him. She welcomed the unexpected embrace. He buried his face in her hair and breathed deeply. He was trying so hard to keep himself in check. His breathing was ragged, almost as if he were on the verge of tears. Mina couldn't get herself to say anything. What was there to say?
His voice came as almost a whisper. It was deep and just as nice to listen to as she remembered. It was a different voice than he'd used at dinner. It was more tender.
"Mina, please just listen to what I have to say. If you're still mad after that, I can't fault you. I just want a chance to explain myself. First and foremost, I wanted to say that I am truly, deeply sorry for leaving you for so long…" he stopped and silence filled the air once again. Mina knew it was hard for him to say, given how emotional she knew he was at the moment. Instead of talking, she let him find the words and say them at his own pace.
"It was worse than any hell I could imagine, being away from you. Do you even know what happened when Varric told me he thought you were dead?! I… I was already on my way when I got his other letter. Fenris threatened to knock me out. He knew what would happen if the Chantry got their hands on me. They blame me for what Anders did, Mina! But, I wasn't running just because of that. What I was working on," he stopped and sighed, "Meeting Stroud will clear a few things up."
Mina turned around, not breaking the embrace. She didn't know if she could look him in the eyes. She felt guilty about being mad at him. She didn't know. That was the thing. That's exactly why she'd been mad. She hadn't a clue of what was going on, and she just wanted… something! After four years of feeling like she was forgotten, she didn't know if it would be so easy to pick up where they'd left off. She didn't know if she even wanted to. With the mess the world was in, it was the worst time to be thinking of things like that. She couldn't afford to be so selfish. But, she wanted him around. She'd never stopped wanting him.
She buried her face in his chest and held him closer to her. Oh, how she loved the feeling of his strong body shielding her. He'd always made her feel small and fragile. In a good way. With him around, she felt that there was nothing that could touch her; nothing that could harm her. But, she had to be the one to do the shielding. She had hundreds of people, and more every day, that were counting on her leadership. She'd just gotten the title that day, and already it weighed her down.
Finally, she found something to say to him. It wasn't exactly what she wanted to say, but it was enough for the time being.
"I… don't know if I can be the same, but I don't want you to go. I'm the Inquisitor, and that comes first until Corypheus is defeated." An unintended whimper escaped her mouth. She was terrified that he would clam up again. It was hard to see his face, so she couldn't tell what his facial expression was.
"Please… please stay with me," she whispered.