Thank you all the reviewers; you make my day.IZZIE'S POV

Not again. I can't do this again. It wasn't supposed to be like this , this time it was supposed to be perfect."

"- scans, see the extent of the metastasis...chemo, radiation, Izzie , you can do this - " Addison is saying, in that tone she uses with shellshocked patients, soothing and comforting.

" I can. " she says softly, running her hand over her belly. "This time I can."

"I'm so sorry it had to be like this , Izzie , but you'll have others, you have time -"

" No."

"What ?"

" I'm keeping the baby. "

"Izzie you have a brain tumor that may or may not be cancer, if you have chemo you'll lose the baby. If you have surgery , the baby can't take it. And going by the hallucinations you described to me, this tumor is dangerous - we need to do something now before it gets worse.

Izzie this is your life we are talking about here. "

" I said, I'm keeping this baby. Nine months .Give me nine months and then I'll kick this tumours ass."

"And pray how are you going to manage a baby, your own surgeries and chemo , radiation, if you go ahead like this ?"

" I - I'll work it out , I'll. ...move back home or something, my mom will help. ...I don't know the details but what I do know is that I am keeping the baby . "

" Izzie there will be other - "

" No. No, don't give me that 'you'll have more' crap , Dr. Montgomery - Shepherd, because this is my second chance, and I'm doing it right this time, I'm in a better place, I can take care of my baby the way I wanted to, it's going to work this time -"

"What do you mean, this time? "

She looks at her mentor, tears blurring in her eyes.

"Eleven years ago, Dr . Montgomery, I had a baby girl. I was sixteen years old, the father was - out of the question and that hasn't changed , and I couldn't give my baby the life I wanted her to have, I couldn't give her a childhood that wasn't like mine, living in a trailer park with a single mom and getting knocked up in high school , working shifts at the truck stop diner, so I gave away my little girl, to someone who could.

A few months ago my baby - her name is Hannah, now, but I named her Sarah - she came in for a bone marrow transplant, and I was a perfect match for her, I saved her life one more time , but she doesn't want to see me.

I have a daughter, and she doesn't want to see me." her voice cracks.

"But this time, it's different, its my chance to do it right this time. I'm a doctor for gods sake, I don't live in a trailer park anymore, I can do this.So yes, I'm keeping it."

"Izzie, sweetie, I'm so sorry. I never knew.

I can understand how you feel , but - "

"You can't. You can't , so don't pretend to. This is my chance and I won't let you take it fro me or talk me out of it, because you can't possibly know what I am feeling right now, because you have no children, and I do not want to look back on this day ten years down the line as a dried up adulterous childless woman and wish that I hadn't let you talk me out of this, so for gods sake, Dr. Montgomery - Shepherd , leave me alone."

Shit.

" Three years ago I had a miscarriage and I lost the baby I had wanted for years, with the man I loved, and it tore us apart.

And if that's not enough, I got pregnant with Mark's baby and I ... aborted it.

So I can pretty safely say I do know what you're feeling right now."

She stares at the woman in front of her, stunned .

She opens her mouth , but before she can say anything Addison stops her with a raised hand .

"So believe me when I say there is no worse decision to have to make than to ...to snuff out a little life that's growing inside of you, but just so you know , what you're doing is very very dangerous.

I know you already love this baby with your heart and soul but Izzie, you said you want to do it right this time - so give your baby the chance to know its mother.

At least do the scans, the treatments that aren't going to hurt your baby, please, because I can't sit here and watch a brilliant promising future go down the drain because two things happened together at the wrong time. Please. "

" I'm s - "

" Never mind." .

Distant and cool.

She wonders what else the beautiful redhead hides under that unwaveringly cool sophistication of hers that seems to be turning out to be a mask.

She gets up to leave, a weary sigh escaping her lips.

"Izzie - "

"I won't tell. "

" Thank you. "

She's almost out the door when she turns back and says

" Let Karev know. I think he'll surprise you. "

BURKE ' S POV

Is this normal, this uncertainty? This was his idea, from the beginning; moving in , getting married.

It was all his idea. She goes along with him; holds out at first, but she relents because she knows it'll make him happy.

She relents, she rarely accepts.

That's exactly what he doesn't want for her,because she is not an "Ok, honey" woman.

She is strong, brilliant, ambitious and driven.

She has the potential to be an extraordinary surgeon, she has greatness in her ; it's why he was attracted to her in the first place.

She has an edge, and he's afraid that by loving her , he's dulling it.

But it's too late for that , here they are on the morning of their wedding day, with their mothers camped in the living room, a fluffy white dress hanging like an accusation on the closet door and Cristina curled against his chest, everything he wants is his now so why would he give it up?

MEREDITH ' S POV

It's like a bad soap opera.

Derek left her. She still loves him . She's with Finn, who loves her.

Derek loves Addison.

Mark loves Addison.

She can see it in his slate grey eyes when he looks at her; recognises it because it's the look in her own eyes when she looks at Derek.

George loves her but she can't love him back.

Alex and Izzie are together. And they're happy.

Evil Spawn and Sunshine, really?

Cristina is getting married. To Burke.

And Izzie is pregnant. And Izzie might have cancer.

So what she really wants to do is drink herself numb and cry until she vomits it back up but here she is , with an eyebrowless Cristina , sitting on Izzie's hospital bed.

Alex is missing.

No surprises there.

" I told him...I told him I was pregnant and I'm keeping it, I told him about the tumor because I'm done hiding things, and he just...left.

He slammed the door in my face and he freaking left , and I might have brain cancer and I'm having his baby , not to mention the very minor fact that I'm in the middle of my surgical internship and I might be ruining my career with this decision, and I yelled at my mentor yesterday so I might as well kiss my favorite specialty goodbye anyway and he .Freakin. Left."

"What'd you expect ? He's evil spawn ! "

" Cristina. Sorry , Izzie, she's pissed because Momma took her eyebrows and she hasn't seen Burke since this morning , and they're getting married in twelve hours."

" You are refreshingly selfish." Izzie tells Cristina.

" Glad to be of service. "

" So...how long are we gonna pretend it's all okay before we lie on the bathroom floor and drink tequila? "

" George. I can't even drink, so I'm gonna pretend it's okay till its not and I'm hallucinating all over the place and my fatherless baby is born and might just become motherless. "

" Oh. Okay."

There's a crash and Alex stumbles into the room, sweaty and red faced.

" Ass." Izzie mutters.

" Isobel Stevens." he says, and oh my god he's getting down on one knee and everything -

" Izzie. I'm sorry for the way I reacted but now I'm here. I'm here and I wanna be here as long as you'll let me, forever even, because you make me a better person. You hold me accountable, and you make we want to do things for others instead of myself for a change .

I want to be here for you, and our baby. I want to be with you while you get better.

I want to be with you if you're angry , if you're happy, if you're sad or .. or pissed or whatever.

So, Iz - marry me ?"

And then they're both sitting on the bed , Izzie is crying and so is Alex ( who would have thought ?) and he's sliding a tiny band on her finger, and there's cheering from the door so they break apart, and Bailey and the Chief and Addison and Derek , Burke, Mark a gaggle of nurses are all standing there, a few misty eyes in the crowd.

She pretends to be happy, hugs Izzie and then Alex , but she's really watching Derek lean in and whisper something in Addison's ear, she nods and smiles and he kisses her on her cheek, wraps an arm around her waist and breaks her heart with the love in his eyes when he looks at his wife.

Love to which she never had any claim but she wants it so bad it makes the hole where her heart used to be hurt so that she finds tears in her eyes, not for her friends who are moving on with their lives but for herself, because she's stuck here forever, loving a man who looks at his wife like she puts the stars in the sky.

Losing love is like organ damage . It's like dying. The only difference is , death ends. This? It could go on forever.

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