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ADDISON'S POV
Three months ago Ruby Eleanor Karev was two pounds six ounces , in an incubator , unable to regulate her body temperature, or even breathe on her own , so tired from fighting for her life that she forgot to breathe when she fell asleep.
Now, she's in the step down unit, four pounds eight ounces , she enjoys snuggling, stuffing her toes in her mouth and screaming the house down when she doesn't get what she wants in five seconds flat.
"Time to send this little madam home, I think. " she murmurs softly, giving the baby an eskimo kiss . " I'm going to miss you. "
" You can visit all you want. " Izzie says, her eyes bright in her pale thin face, her head covered in a cheery silk scarf.
Oh, Izzie.The chemo, the radiation, the pregnancy, the surgeries; they've taken the cancer, most if it , and left a ghost of the vibrant woman she used to be.
But she has Ruby.
She hopes desperately the greed she feels looking at Ruby doesn't show on her face.
She hopes Izzie can't see that she thinks so often how unfair it is that a girl with cancer had a perfect baby while here she is, injecting herself with hormones.
I'm a dried up eggless freak.
A jealous driedup adulterous eggless freak.
" Actually, we were going to ask you to - " Izzie looks up at Karev from her wheelchair.
" - be the godmother. " Alex finishes.
" A...are you sure? " she splutters.
Nice, Addison. Very godmotherly.
" I mean, if you don't mind, of course. ...oh god it was just stupid, you're my teacher, I'm so sorry, I should never have put you in this spot, you've already done so much..." Izzie rushes to explain.
" Are you crazy? Izzie, sweetie, I'd love to, I'd be honored.
You hear that baby? I'm your godmother, yes I am. I'm going to spoil you rotten. " she coos, blowing a raspberry against Ruby's tummy, making her squeal.
" You're so good with her. " Karev says. " I freak out every time I touch her, feel like I'm gonna break her or something. "
" Your daddy's an idiot, yes he is, Auntie Arizona and I taught him better than that. Arizona would be so mad wouldn't she ; you're daddy's not as smart as you. He doesn't know you're a fighter . You tell him, okay. Give him a punch, go on . Punch him !" she moves the tiny fists around , pretending to hit Alex in the face, Ruby shrieking with giggles.
They're going home today. Izzie has been declared tumor free . For now.
God I'm going to miss them.
" Izzie you take care of yourself. Karev has all the time off you need . And if you ever need anything... don't hesitate. We're all here for you, okay ? "
" Addison. " she pulls her into a hug.
" Thank you. For our daughter. For making me fight when I couldn't anymore, because god she's worth it. "
She hugs Izzie back, wincing inwardly at how things she has become, her curves reduced to sharp angles and planes.
She thinks she saw someone at the door just now, but she can't be sure.
DEREK'S POV
That was stupid. Irrational .
But he couldn't do it ; it hurts like a knife twisting in his gut when he sees Addie with Ruby, the ache in her eyes, the way she holds her whenever she can.
She's a natural with babies, or maybe it comes with her job.
She loves babies. She wants his babies.
So why can't she have the one thing she wants ?
Does she want it anymore?
He hates himself for even thinking she doesn't - for gods sake , she's been taking hormone injections for months now.
If that isn't dedication then what is ?
So he makes himself turn around and go back into the nursery, smile at the baby who has stolen his wife's heart, help Karev carry the bags to the car.
They wave goodbye to them among a crowd of their intern friends; Arizona and Richard and Bailey are there too.
Everyone wanders off in their own directions, the attendings leaving for the night and the interns just getting started.
Addison tells him to go get his stuff, she just has one more patient to check up on and she'll join him in the parking lot, before he knows it he's the only one left standing there.
As he heads towards his car he spots a slim figure hunched in the shadows , shuffling her feet and looking away from him.
" Meredith? "
" I ...I was just , uh, leaving . I was just leaving. " she says, like she's convincing herself more than him.
" Everything okay? "
" Yeah !" she chirps.
Meredith does not chirp.
And she's still standing here.
" Meredith. I need to open the car, so if you could just..."
" Oh. Oh, okay." she skitters aside.
He puts his bag and in the car , turns around and she's still there, bouncing on the balls of her feet and looking down.
" Look, Meredith, if there's something you want to say, say it."
She looks up at him with her eyes bright with tears and her mouth open, lips quivering like they're trying to make a word but they can't remember how.
He knows that look. It's her big - declaration, soul baring confession look.
He can't do this , not now .It's over with her, it was wonderful while it lasted, but it wasn't right, wasn't meant to be.
Sugar high, wears off and leaves you feeling worse than before.
He feels horrible about what he did to her, stringing her along and dumping her like that, him and Addison in her face every day, rubbing salt in her wounds unwittingly.
He knows she loved him. He thought he loved her , but he knew he didn't deep down inside. Maybe it was over before Addie set one spiky heel in Seattle.
He's going to tell her this once and for all because it's not fair to Addie to have his teary needy ex mistress clinging to his leg all the time, but before he can she looks at him differently , with rage so strong he can fell her eyes burning holes in him.
" No. There's nothing left to say , Derek so don't you open your mouth. There's nothing left for you to say, what's left is me and my daddy issues and the boys and the bars that I thought were over when I met you. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you, have babies maybe , get all gray together and all that Hallmark perfectness but it won't happen because you have to be the good guy.
You have to go back to her, Mark says you always do and he's right.
He knows because he's been hoping you'll leave so he can have her and praying you won't because it would kill her. He loves her Derek - and I love you.
I know I'm making a fool of myself, I'm standing here screaming at my married ex boyfriend who is my boss in this rainy parking lot with snot running down my face and I don't care anymore Derek, all I care about anymore no matter how hard I try not to is you. You're my one.
I can't stay here any longer, I can't be near you without feeling like I'm burning and I can't hear your voice without wanting to talk to you and I can't look at you without wanting to kiss you and I hate myself for it.
So I'm leaving.
All I wanted to say was - give me a reason Derek, give me a reason to stay and I'll do it.
Everything you wanted, the white wedding and the kids and the picket fence and the dog and the whole flipping zoo if you want , just please Derek give me a reason , please. "
Her last words slur into her sobs and the rain mixes with her tears until he can barely hear her but she's whispering please please please please.
Never has he been more ashamed of himself.
" Meredith I don't - not anymore, I don't have a reason to give you. "
and she's standing there with her arms slightly outstretched, like she's planning to wrap them around him.
She lets then fall.
" I know. " she whispers and then she's gone, running across the parking lot through the rain.
" Ready to go? " Addie says behind him, a plastic folder balanced atop her head against the rain.
They cook dinner , eat on the couch. Addie drinks water, because of the fertility treatments.
Addie, who has a glass of wine in hand more often than not and who can drink anyone under the table, drinks water , so he does too , in solidarity.
It's silent, he knows she heard what happened but not how much, she knows that he knows .
They sit stiffly on the couch, a standoff as old as their marriage; neither has the grace to ever back down first.
But today Addie surprises him by taking a deep breath, tightening her hand momentarily around her water glass like she wishes it were something stronger .
" Is it over ?"
He could pretend to not know what she's talking about.
But this is Addison, whip - smart and practically psychic when it comes to him, so he doesn't.
"It's over for me. It has been for a while ; before you came here, I was having doubts ."
" You're still having doubts. "
" No, Addie. I won't lie to you , not about this. "
" What made you change your mind ? About her . "
"I'm not going to lie to you. I needed what she had to give. She idolised me, she was wide eyed and naive and it felt good, for once , to be with someone who doesn't know your every flaw and failing.
I wanted stability and certainty but she was too young and inexperienced for that. And she wanted me to be her everything, but I couldn't do that.
I couldn't be her everything, Addison, because every time I'd look at her I compared her to you . And she can't be you ; no one can.
You're my everything. Even when I hated you the most, it was only because I loved you so much I couldn't get you out of my head no matter how I hard I tried. "
"We're stuck with each other. " she says slowly, swirling her glass so that the ice cubes clink one way, then another .
" Pretty much. "
" You know, I don't hate her. Meredith. She's gotten hurt in this ... thing, of ours, it isn't fair to her . She didn't know you were married. "
" I didn't tell her. "
" We both hurt each other and then some , Derek. I think we're even now."
" Yeah."
"So let's stop. No more scores. Start fresh, be us . I know I've said this a lot lately, but I'm ready to be really us again. Not this fake touchy feely couple thing where we act like we barely know each other and think twice before we say anything.
I mean, I love you, but I'd don't always like you. And you don't always have to like me, but you do have to love me.
I want the old us back, we were ...fun. We bantered, Derek, we cracked jokes and we were competitive and cutthroat and we supported each other but not like an obligation. We were spontaneous and now we're a stodgy old polite couple ."
" You want to be us again ? You want to banter and be competitive and spontaneous? Bring it babe. "
" Don't say bring it ,you sound like a middle aged man trying to sound younger. "
" Ah, I've missed your honesty. "
" I've missed you ." she whispers, and suddenly it's like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders.
He had no idea she was still so bothered by his relationship with Meredith.
" You want to be spontaneous right now ?" he murmurs against her hair.
" Mm hmm." she replies, kissing him and leaning forward until she has him lying on the couch on his back.
" Addie? "
" Yeah? "
"I'm going to beat you for Chief. "
"Wh...oh my god, you really want to get competitive while I'm sitting on top of you taking your clothes off ? " she laughs incredulously.
" I'm just doing everything you said."
" Aw. "
" Anyway, my clothes are off , why are yours still on ? " he asks, sliding one strap of the silky white thing she's wearing down her shoulder.
They end up on the floor , clothes strewn across the couch .He kisses her slowly, taking his time with each inch of skin, ignoring her protests and attempts to hurry him along.
He needs to feel this, drink her in, make sure she's really his, forever and to keep.
His, not Mark's .
He's been hoping you'll leave so he can have her and praying you won't because it would kill her. He loves her Derek .
Mark loves her enough to accept that she would be devastated if he left her, enough to watch her with me every day and still be happy just because she is .
He's a better man than you and you know it, but here you are married to the girl you've both loved for fifteen years while he's out there making sure you don't leave and smash her heart to pieces, because he's the one to pick them up again.What am I going to do with him?