Can I get some reviews, stat.I feel like I'm writing to an empty void.Anyway, Addek wouldn't be as good if there weren't tears and misery along the way , it makes them stronger.
Do you really want Addek babies?
MARK'S POV
"Four. At the same time ?"
" Yeah, Dr. Sloan. She's been here since 3 in the morning. She's done six, actually, in 24 hours. Two before this. "
" Jesus. "
He scrubs in quick and holds a mask over his mouth.
" Addison, why are you doing four surgeries at once? "
" I'm multitasking. "
" You're gonna hurt someone. "
" Of course not. I have it under control. " She's rotating between four ORs at once, supervising and instructing her residents, leaving them to follow her orders while she flits between them.
"Why? "
" They're all electives, Mark, except this one whose uterus I am currently elbows deep in, so can we play twenty questions later, please. "
" Scrub out, whiz kid. Richard's called a meeting. "
" I didn't get paged. " she peers at him over her mask, her headlamp blinding him so that she kind of looks like an otherworldly being, haloed in fluorescent light.
" Richard's coming up here to tell you himself, he wanted to see the surgery fest you've got going. "
" Oh. I'll just finish here - ovarian torsion like I've never seen, it was practically triple knotted - the residents can handle the rest.
Page Bailey in for me, would you ?"
He waits for her in the scrub room, flirting with a cute surgical tech, until Richard comes in.
" I hear our Addie's got four ORs going at once. "
" Yup."
" It's a high, you know, a rush. Knowing you can do this, that you're the best.
I used to do this myself, back when my knees weren't killing me."
" She's the best. " he echoes, then shuts up because she's coming through the doors.
She doesn't need to have her giant head inflated anymore than it is.
You're one to talk.
"Hello, men, why are you waiting for me ?"
" I wanted to see the surgery fest." Richard explains.
" Me too. " says Derek from the doorway. "Hey, I didn't see you at home this morning." he kisses Addison on the cheek.
" I was in surgery. "
He shoots Addie a look. She has a miserable poker face.
Derek rarely looks long enough to notice.
He can sense them falling back into their old patterns, there's been a recent spate of cranky phone calls from Addison.
" Addie? You okay ? " Derek's voice is sharp with concern.
"Yeah. Just tired. I'll see you guys at the meeting." she calls over her shoulder as she leaves, slightly unsteady on her feet.
Derek goes to follow her, but his pager goes off that exact moment, the urgent screech of a 911 page .
" I'll go check on her. " he offers quickly, pretends not to notice the look Derek gives him.
He's halfway to the elevator when Derek jogs up beside him.
" Mark - " he holds up a hand when he tries to open his mouth ." Let me keep my wife. Please. "
He sounds small and scared, like Mark had ever stood a chance.
Like Addison ever sees him standing there, waiting to catch her when she falls .
" You lose her and it won't be to me, Derek. You lose her, it's your own fault. "
He leaves him standing there, a small glow of satisfaction in his heart at having hurt him.
I'm turning into a bitter old man.
He looks everywhere, she's not in the NICU or her office or Callie's office or the coffee cart.
On a hunch he checks the fire escape , she always used to go out there back when she'd had a bad day in New York.
She's sitting leaning against a rusty railing, looking out over the view of the rain drenched parking lot.
" You haven't changed in years , Red. One bad day and here you are, hiding on the fire escape like always ."
" I get to hide today Mark . It's been ... it's been a day . "
" You want to talk? "
" Where's Derek? "
He's not here, I'm here.
" He got paged 911."
" That happens. "
" Addie is there something you want to tell me ? "
" Nothing you want to hear. "
He slides an arm around her, lets her burrow into him for warmth.
" I'll take it. "
" Okay. I need you to be a girl for me .Callie's busy, with Arizona and being Chief Resident , so I need you to be a girl ."
" I'll pretend that doesn't hurt my masculine heart. Spill. "
" Richard asked me to be Chief. "
" Congratulations, you sneaky little talented teacher's pet . "
" He asked me not to tell anyone until he was done with all the formalities. I've been dying to tell you people , but I couldn't. "
He gives her shoulders a squeeze and kisses the top of her head .
" Why so down, Red ? You beat us all out for the job we moved here for - the Addie I know would be at Joe's dancing on tables by now. "
" That's the thing . I can't do this all, the Chief thing and the Neonatal service and the baby. "
The baby ?
He feels suddenly cold. He should be happy, they are his best friends after all.
A baby is finality, the final seal on their marriage keeping them together and locking him out.
" Are more congratulations in order ? " he forces out, because he promised Derek to let him keep his wife and she's very vulnerable and prone to making bad decisions right now. So is he.
" What ? No, no I meant the baby as in...the whole process of it. The drugs. They're giving me these headaches and today when I was scrubbing out I sort of couldn't see the sink, it was blurry. "
" It's never happened before , not in surgery. " she adds quickly, seeing his expression.
" But that's why I did this today, the six surgeries, I just need to feel like I ...could . Like I'm good enough. "
" You are good enough. But you're also stupid, so I'll tell you this - stop the damn drugs before you go blind . "
" I'm an eggless freak. I can't have a baby without the drugs. "
We had one just fine didn't we ?
But he doesn't say it aloud, because she needs one person who doesn't hurt her.
" There are other ways , Addie. You've worked your ass off for this. Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace is not something you turn your nose up at. "
" You think I don't know that ? You think I haven't been thinking about this and thinking about this and thinking for two weeks ?
These are the two things I've wanted the most, and they're happening at the same time.Because that's just what my life is like." she's laughing now, sounding slightly unhinged and dangerously close to tears.
Close , but rarely ever there.
This is what she sounds like when she's overwhelmed and exhausted, pushed to the brink of even her considerable mental reserve.
He knows that now, but he didn't the first time he saw a classic Addison Montgomery flip - out.
" Oh my god Mark what do I do ?"
" Get dressed maybe? "
" That's the problem! What do you wear to meet your boyfriends mother, your boyfriend you've only been with for two months? "
" Not that, that's for sure. " he gestures to her outfit of formaldehyde scented lab scrubs.
" Shut up. " she massages her temples. " I hate him, hate hate him. Who drops an invitation like this three days before Christmas? "
" Derek. "
" You're coming right?"
" Yeah. I always go to the Shepherds for Christmas. "
" You're not going home ?"
" Nah. No one there ."
" Same here. We're the same that way, Mark , you know. Screwed up families with more money than sense. "
She's babbling now, making no sense at all.
" Addison. You'd look good in a sack."
" Don't flirt Mark, not now. "
He's not flirting. He means it, with her he always does.
She doesn't know that, and anyway there's a code for this sort of thing.
You do not hit on your best friends girlfriend, no matter how hot.
But she looks like she's having some kind of nervous breakdown. Over a dress.
" Why are you so freaked?"
" Don't you get it ? This is the first time I'm meeting his mother, Mark , his mother. I'm meeting the mother of the man I love and I'm pretty sure I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, so I need his mother to love me. "
" She's going to hate you. "
He means it as a joke, to lighten her up. He expected a dirty look at most, not for her to burst into tears.
WASP extraordinaire Addison Forbes Montgomery, of the stiff upper lip and cool indifference and trust funds , crying over a pretty boy from Queens.
" Addie? "
" I love him so much Mark, don't you see it? I love him. I can't lose him, he's the only one who gets me. Not all the other boys, not my parents, not Archer .
He understands me, my dreams and ambitions and plans, he doesn't think I should ditch med school and be a trophy wife like all the boys do, or run a freaking charity like Bizzy wants me to or think I'm still seven like Archie does or forget I exist like the Captain does.
He gets me and he wants this me. Not the me they all want me to be."
So he holds her and lets her cry herself out like she didn't just take a scalpel and slash his dreams to shreds.
He does the same now, too, fifteen years later and it's still the same .
" You deserve to be happy, Addison. So do what makes you happy. "
" I wanted a baby, Mark. I had one and I lost it, I got rid of the other. This is probably gods way of telling me I don't deserve kids." she sniffs, wiping away the tears.
Back to normal.
" But right now I don't just want this baby, I need it , as sick as this is going to sound, to hold our marriage together. I promised Derek, and he looked so...happy. He wants one as badly as I do and I owe him this much , after everything. "
Do you ever stop to consider that I might have wanted that baby too? No, it's all about Derek.
"You're Addison. You're a fighter. You got this far, don't let what you think he wants eclipse what you know you want . You wanted to be exactly where you are right now, an extraordinary surgeon, Chief, married to Derek. You have it all. Don't throw it away on something that might or might not happen. "
She takes a deep breath, squares her shoulders.
" I'm stopping the drugs. What happens , happens. Either I get pregnant or I don't. You're right, Mark, this opportunity is now and the baby is ... God knows when.
" And anyway , " she hugs him tight and gets up to leave. " I've pretty much proven I'm not fit to have kids. "
What have I done?
DEREK'S POV
They file into the lobby, crowding around the stairs like they do whenever Richard call a meeting of ... well, everyone.
The attendings are at the front, residents behind them, interns crammed at the back, nurses mixed in everywhere.
" Good evening everyone. " Richard walks in, looking happier than he's seen him in months.
"Today's the day , the day you've all been waiting for, the day when I finally leave and one of you can be Chief. " he says over the murmured protests from him and Mark.
Addie doesn't say anything, just stares into her almost empty coffee cup like she wishes she could dissolve into it.
"I'm finally retiring, people, I'm going to the Bahamas with my wife, I'm going to relax and enjoy myself, so let's not turn this into a thing with you vultures picking my bones. " he says, looking at the attendings clustered at the foot of the stairs.
" This is a decision I've made carefully, with great deliberation and the consent of the board, based not only on how flashy your OR board has been recently, but also on your leadership and management skills.
Which most of you lack." a ripple of laughter .
" Dr's Hunt and Altman have declined to be considered as candidates as they are both considering a tour of duty. So the new Chief's first job, it looks like , will be to find a new Head of Trauma and Cardio, so my sympathies lie with the winner. "
He had no idea Hunt and Altman had backed out. Its his now Mark was never a serious competitor, and Addie's got other things in her mind right now.
He smirks at Mark above Addie's head, stops short when he sees the way he's looking at her, concern in his eyes.
She's looking at her shoes, fiddling with the sleeve of her white coat.
" So I'd like to introduce to you all your new Chief of Surgery - Dr. Addison Montgomery - Shepherd. "
The applause, the hugs and back slapping and air kissing and Addison's tired smile go over his head until he sees Mark hug her so hard he lifts her off her feet.
" Good girl, Red. Live for what's now, and all that. "
" Wait. " he points at Richard. Everyone falls silent, confused.
I know what they're thinking. Selfish arrogant bastard, hasn't congratulated his wife yet.
But this isn't right. He came out here to he Chief. Addie is focusing on other tings now, namely their baby. She can't do this all, be Chief and head of Neonatal and have a baby.
Something will have to give .
" Richard. What the hell. It was mine, you said it was mine. "
" I said there would be a race. She won. "
" She's ... she doesn't want to be Chief ! Do you, Addie? "
" Derek, why wouldn't I? "
" You. ..you said you wanted to slow down, you wanted a family. We're trying, Addison, you can't back out. "
" I'm not backing out, but this opportunity is right here, right now, and it's is my dream, you know that, I can't pass it up for a baby that might or might not ever exist. " he sees her glance at Mark and he knows.
He whirls on his friend " You put this in her head didn't you? "
" Excuse me Derek, this is my decision to make. Mine. I've thought about it for two weeks, I'm taking this job. What happens , happens, it'll be a miracle and I'll be happy, but I'm not putting my whole life on hold , because what if it doesn't ? "
" You knew? "People are starting to slink away, muttering under their breaths.
" I told her two weeks ago, so she could get her department in order. Derek, come on, this isn't you. Give it up, she won. " Richard says, shaking his head in disappointment.
" You knew, for two whole weeks, you knew and you didn't say a thing, you let me believe we were going to have a baby and everything was going to be fine, Addison, did you really think you could do that and everything would be fine ?" he yells, the lobby is totally empty now except for him, Richard, Mark and Addison.
The rest are probably eavesdropping somewhere.
" Derek I couldn't tell you, you know that. It was classified until now, until Richard was down with the formalities.
And we are, we are having a baby, just I'm not sitting around waiting for it to happen. This is my dream. Its happening, so can't you just once stop whining about how it's not fair and be happy for me ? "
" You stole it right out from under me! This is my dream too, you knew that. And you took it anyway, after you lied to me about what you and Mark are, because he's always in your head isn't he, just not in your bed.
Or maybe he is. "
He's being unbelievably selfish and hurting her, he can see that, but he can't believe Ricardo just betrayed him like this, Addie betrayed him by saying she wanted a baby and deciding she wanted his dream job instead.
He knows she wanted the job too but she would've been a great mother, she was so happy just thinking about it and he really thought that was what she wanted most.
He let himself believe that the Chief position would be his, not Addie's , because of that.
Mark did this.
" You do it on purpose, don't you, screw with her head just when she's got it on straight , when she's happy and knows what she wants. " he spits, his blood boiling when Mark wraps an arm around Addison's shoulders to calm her down.
She brushes him off , rakes her fingers through her hair. In the bright hospital lights he can just see the tiny scar at her hairline from all those months ago, when he'd met a new, low side of himself.
The side that surfaces constantly these days whenever he sees them together.
"Don't talk about me like I'm not even here ! Derek, how dare you assume that I wanted to be a stay at home mommy while you swanned around this hospital, I'm just as capable a surgeon as you are, and I deserved this job .
I want a baby, I also want this job. I don't see you offering to stay home, but it doesn't matter right now because there is no baby.
We'll figure it out when there actually is one to think about. If you even want one anymore. Until then,I intend to be Chief. " ,her voice getting softer and colder with every word .
He looks around at all of them , staring at him with anger and disappointment in their eyes.
" You know what? Do whatever you want. I don't care, I'm done with this indecision and never knowing where we're going, I can't take it anymore . Just... do whatever makes you happy. "
And he turns around and leaves, pretending not to hear the muffled Derek stop and Mark's soothing voice , Richard placating her, because if he stays he'll undo the miracle Mark has somehow worked - he hasn't seen Addie this sure and confident for a long time, and she needs that more than she needs him dragging her down with visions of babies and forever .
Review, please. Please please please.