And now, a break from the many emotional moments and action for a bit of fluff.
As lost as the group was, they decided that the first and foremost was to really get to know each other. And since the diamonds were easily the smaller of the two sides, they went first. Much to the surprise of many, Yellow and Blue did have hobbies and interests. For Blue, she seemed legitimately interested in the arts and even allowed her pearl to draw on her holo-screen during slower court sessions.
Yellow, on the other hand, actually found saunas as a prime way of relaxing after handling the loads of bureaucracy that came with military operations. She did spare an annoyed glance at Steven and Connie since their fusion ended up destroying her personal steam room when they leveled her palace.
And it soon became apparent, once she was done trying to dodge the question, that White had no concept of fun whatsoever.
"Seriously?!" Everyone asked her.
"Will you all stop making this even more awkward than it already is?! Yes, I'm a workaholic to the nth degree! If any of you have suggestions on what is 'fun' then I'll take it!"
Seeing as how no one in particular wanted to spend hours going through every leisure activity they could think of, the Crystal Gems came up with a solution: get to the library, rent as many books as they could manage and then let the Diamonds pick what they wanted. Connie, being the most frequent visitor of the public library, was worried about how the librarians would feel about checking out dozens of books at a time only for Amethyst to answer.
"Dude, would you argue against someone more than three times your height if you could help it?"
The young lady had no answer to that and thus had to resist speaking up when the group was assembled outside the parking lot as the gems came out with carts full of literature. The group was worried about how the diamonds were supposed to handle the texts considering their size even now, but it turns out they did at one point have print and thus were familiar (if incredibly rusty) with how books worked.
At the very least, it was the most civil conversation the newly made alliance had yet as the diamonds perused through books large at small at downright ludicrous speeds considering they had to flip the pages with their fingers and use the minimal force possible so as to not squash the tomes' binding as easily as popping a bubble. The Crystal Gems, meanwhile, answered the myriad of questions as best as they could.
Everything from various foreign cultures, events in American history, the basics of various sciences the diamonds were not intimately familiar with such as psychology and sociology and pastimes ranging from baseball to taxidermy were brought up and discussed. Even Pink Diamond stepped to assist using her knowledge of Earth from her original colonization attempt although she quickly found herself getting distracted by adventure novels and picture books.
Then, just as the sun began to set that evening, White Diamond happened to pick up a college-grade medical textbook. Halfway through reading it, which took her hyper intellectual mind only a few minutes, she looked as lost as could be.
"What's got your sparkles in a twist?" Cinnabar asked.
"There's this one chapter that makes absolutely no sense to me… The tenth one. It's just too bizarre to comprehend."
The red gem, now curious, picked up the impressive book herself and flipped through to see that it was the chapter entirely focused on reproductive organs for both men and women.
"Oh, I get it! You're totally confused about what's different between boys and girls, right?"
"No, that concept it incredibly simple to grasp. What has me lost is the… nature of your biology and this apparent method of creating new humans. For example, what is this about ovals specifically in the female body? And something about a professional state in males?"
Two different reactions came from this. The other diamonds, and the other Crystal Gems who were relatively new to Earth, looked just as confused. The humans and the gems more familiar with experience with people became somewhere between amused and suddenly very interested in staring at the ground.
"What?" Yellow pried, "What's gotten into some of you?"
"This was awkward enough to do with my own daughter," Priyanka cringed, "I'm having the talk with four immortal alien women!"
"Oh come on!" Pink snapped impatiently, "What are you all so flustered about?"
Nobody had an idea for an easy answer. They could barely speak let alone blurt out just how deep the elements of human anatomy the diamonds or even the gems who were far more casual with them. It eventually fell to Amethyst who had an idea that left a grin so troubling that it only made everyone uneasy.
"I know something… Hey Topaz, you mind letting me use the DVD player in your ship?"
Steven and Connie tried to keep their eyes on their respective books but they both knew it was only a matter of time. Both of them sat on the Crystal Beacon's bridge while the rest of the group was outside watching a film being projected onto a massive holo-screen to the crowd watching outside. They also had double-duty on playing music to block out any ambient noises from the very particular video Amethyst recommended.
As for the gaggle of gems in question? Priyanka and Greg were somewhere between flustered and finding this incredibly funny as the assembled aliens had a very wide array of expressions. Through it all, Greg was grateful for doing all of this in a desert since the last thing he needed was to get in legal trouble for broadcasting something this family-unfriendly within hearing distance of Beach City.
And that left the gems themselves who had very different opinions. Amethyst was far more interested in watching the looks on everyone's faces as the old DVD she pulled out of her room played. Her favorite by far had to be Pearl, scowling furiously as her entire face threatened to turn blue as she tried to pointedly not look at the film.
Peridot, for her part, was intensely confused. When the video started and showed adults at a summer camp, she first wondered if this was some sort of spin-off from Camp Pining Hearts. Her nose wrinkled soon after as the characters seemed woefully dull, and the plot seemed entirely focused on getting the men and women in situations where they could do what she could only interpret as a mix of intense physical exercise and mind games that seemed enjoyable to them but left her disappointed at the lack of story in this "film." She had to give credit to the acting, though, since all of this seemed very convincing.
A few others like Rutile and Padparadscha had similarly nonplussed reactions to the film, but the rest of the group were anything but disinterested. Fluorite, Garnet, Rhodonite and Topaz, as the only fusions present, were semi-interested in how humans how expressed physical intimacy but had no reason to do it for themselves. Garnet was also waiting to see if the children had overheard anything. If Peridot had overestimated the soundproofing of the Beacon and accidentally exposed the two minors to this, she'd seriously regret it.
The most interested by far were Lapis and Adamite, taking in the entire video with enraptured attention. It was obvious that they were planning on trying a few of these acts later albeit the ones that did not rely on the unique elements of male anatomy. Bismuth was similarly taken with it although she kept passing glances to Pearl behind her only to be constantly disappointed. Pearl was still too busy trying to glare Amethyst into submission to notice but the blacksmith supposed she could look into this later.
The only humans involved, Greg and Priyanka, were also a mix of amused and awkward. The mother asked where the rowdy gem got this disc. It turns out she snatched it from when the Crystal Gems cleaned out his overloaded storage shed and Amethyst added the movie to her ever-expanding collection. It took Greg up until now, months later, to realize why letting Amethyst move his stuff might have been a bad idea. He was double-checking that she didn't take Li'l Butler from his boxes at the first opportunity.
And then there were the Diamonds. The four leaders sat in the back of the pack due to their size but still saw everything thanks to the even larger screen. They were the ones who accidentally initiated this whole show and thus they felt somewhere between relieved to have their questions answered and very surprised at what they were watching.
The smaller three diamonds had varying degrees of this feeling with Pink being the most curious, Yellow being the most taken aback and Blue somewhere in the middle. All throughout the showing, they asked several questions.
"Is the warm-up part necessary for procreation?"
"Do all humans secrete so much… bodily fluid?"
"Is the woman in pain during this?"
"Forget that, is the man suffering permanent damage?! I can't imagine how inserting anything like that is supposed to work."
White Diamond was the complete opposite. Her lips were drawn in a tight line, her eyes kept trying to look away from what she was seeing but kept wandering back and the sole question running through her head was "Why?" on an endless loop.
The grand matriarch of the gem empire prided herself as a mind without equal that could absorb any information and use it to her advantage. This made being absolutely stumped by a bunch of humans and what she could only describe as their mating ritual as unbelievably frustrating.
After that whole experience was over, the diamonds seemed satisfied with the basic idea of how humans reproduced although they had differing thoughts on how to present it. Now it was time to select a pastime. When Garnet casually threw out dodgeball, the other Crystal Gems almost laughed but the idea soon stuck. And to really ramp up the irony, they decided to play it on the same field near where the barn used to be.
Before any proper teams could be drawn, however, there was one issue to be addressed. The diamonds, even now, were both larger and far stronger than any of the Crystal Gems. Even if they were to be split on teams, they would dominate the entire game. Steven, however, quickly offered a compromise: let fusions play.
The idea seemed to ruffle White Diamond's feathers, but the consensus was it balanced out the two sides nicely. And so, the teams were divided with Fluorite (in her humanoid form at about half-size to better match the Diamonds) alongside Cinnabar, Topaz, Sandstone and Pink and White Diamond on one side. Facing them would be Yellow and Blue Diamond alongside Stevonnie, Ametrine, Opal and Garnet.
That left the rest of Topaz's crew and Rose's ex-helpers to act as the audience. Rhodonite herself could have qualified to play but chose not to. Her confidence may be leagues above when she first escaped Homeworld but the thought of playing a friendly game with literal titans, including her ex-oppressors, was just too much to wrap her head around. And the parents knew far better to get involved in a game where over half of the competitors were giants who could accidentally squash them and not even realize it.
But while the concept was fun, what could they possibly use for the equipment? Rich as Greg might have been, getting red rubber balls fit for stories-tall players on a moment's notice seemed impossible. Sandstone was all too happy to answer. With a few intricate swings of her arms, she was able to concoct all of the balls they would need out of form of mud that somehow felt solid yet elastic.
"You're quite welcome in advance," she said gracefully, "But don't expect me to go easy on any of you."
Nobody did and with a line drawn across the hole where the saviors of Earth once drilled to stop an emerging Cluster, the game began with the round brown projectiles flying every which way. And almost instantly half of each team ended up drenched in brown liquid with Topaz and Garnet nearly getting swept off their feet in a torrent of the stuff. Stevonnie was lucky enough to summon a bubble before the waterfall hit.
"Okay, this is going to be fun…" they chuckled. All four of the diamonds had been nailed and while Pink was in similarly good spirits, the other three looked shocked. White, in particular, seemed to have shut down mentally as liquid dirt dripped off her pointed hair and glimmering clothes.
"This doesn't seem quite right…" she said slowly, "Is there supposed to be… This much mess?"
"We've never been normal, so why start now?" Opal answered before grabbing another glob and chucking it at the just-taller monarch that beaned her in the face.
Soon after that, everyone else was getting into the game and chucking giant clods left and right. The actual rules od dodgeball were thrown out since nobody wanted to referee either side so it was mostly a six-versus-six mudslinging match with the winner being roughly determined by who got pelted the least.
A few were worried that Sandstone wouldn't be able to keep up with the demand since mudballs ranging from the size of actual dodgeballs to ones comparable to SUVs were flying every few seconds, but she proved more than capable. The entire ground was soon a marshy expanse the better part of a mile long with the players just reaching down to find a new properly sized projectile already waiting for them.
Such a steady supply meant that all-out pandemonium broke out. Bigger gems deluged the smaller ones, the smaller ones fought back with pinpoint accuracy and tenacity, and everyone was soon trying to bean anyone in sight. Even Yellow and Blue were having a ball double-teaming the other side although they aimed at White more than anything. The grand monarch took her repeated peltings as best as she could.
"I want them in my life…" she muttered to herself, "I don't want to be alone… I can get through this without eviscerating someone…"
Eventually she just couldn't take it anymore and grabbed a sphere the size of tractor-trailer and flung it at both of her contemporaries, knocking them both into the muddy expanse. When they were both drenched and didn't stand up for some time, she wondered if they were unconscious up until they both leapt into the air with mud mortar shells of their own to make her flee.
Yellow laughed out loud. "Good, you're fighting back! It means we can stop trying to hold back!"
Blue was about to say something similar until her slammed shut but a well-placed clod thrown by Pink.
"And that means we can't give up!" she declared, already aiming another shot with a smile that made it clear she was having the time of her life. She was about to take aim only for White to grab onto her arm and raise the smaller gem up onto her shoulders.
Pink looked down in confusion and a touch of horror until White spoke. "Quickly, before they attack again! Rain down on them from high ground!"
The other diamond didn't need to be told twice even as every other gem stopped what they were doing to make sure they heard that right.
"White Diamond… Is having fun…" Ametrine spoke slowly, "Is this real? What… What is happening?"
She was then answered by a shot to the chest that sent her flying backwards.
"You let your guard down, that's what!" Topaz laughed only to have to run once the other fusion stretched out her arms and began flinging literal volleys by the second at the other team.
She wasn't the only one taking advantage of her abilities. Cinnabar had petrified many shots with her flames before they could touch her (confident that Sandstone could remelt whatever she fried), Topaz was able to split up to better dodge oncoming attacks before merging back together for a counterattack, Sandstone used her mud control to create far more varied attacks for herself (but at least kept the supply steady for everyone else although they didn't get missiles and arrows) and Stevonnie had a small armory of light weapons and crystal-shapeshifting at their disposal.
Opal, meanwhile, refrained from using her duplicating powers for the sake of fairness. As the not-really battle raged on, another shocking moment stopped everyone dead in their tracks. Yellow Diamond accidentally hit Blue with a shot, splattering the more elegant leader in the back of the head.
"Oh no, I'm so sorry!" Yellow apologized at once, "I don't know how I could've done that."
"Be that as it may, such an uncouth attack cannot go unpunished," Blue warned, her hands briefly glowing with power as she everyone waited to see what would happen. The spectators on the sidelines dared not to even breathe.
That was quickly relieved when Blue tackled Yellow to the ground with a giggle and proceeded to start slopping mud on her like a child. Yellow then followed suit by laughing like a child as she splashed back, the two completely forgetting they were supposed to be on a team in their new little game. If it weren't for the fact that they were multicolored aliens and about two stories tall, they would resemble kids horsing around on a playground.
Their joy also seemed to be infectious as Cinnabar decided to splat Pink Diamond despite being on the same team. Sandstone then threw the rules right out the window and just started summoning mud waves and projectiles from nowhere while Fluorite dunked a gigantic clod on White Diamond's head to truly make the game a free-for-all.
While Greg and Priyanka were still content to just watch, the other gems decided they wanted to join in. The rest of the Crystal Beacon's crew ran in immediately and proceeded to dogpile Topaz in an act of play-mutiny and forcing Fluorite to intervene. Meanwhile, Zoisite and Kunzite were torn.
"I almost can't believe what I'm seeing," Kunzite breathed, "It's like they've completely forgotten their animosity."
"For now, perhaps, but it is very welcoming progress," her friend appreciated, "But now it makes me regret refraining from the game."
"All of their rules seem to be gone. Who's to say we cannot join?"
"But even for the two of us, this battlefield has become quite chaotic. I fear we may be over our heads trying to wade into this separately."
Kunzite's eyes lit up. "Do you mean…?!"
"Indeed," Zoisite smirked, "Let's show everyone just how well we work together!" The pearlescent fighter than dashed off towards the playing field. Kunzite rushed in right behind her, the two charging in side by side until their feet touched the mud. They then locked their arms together and they leapt into the air just as their bodies began to glow and meld together. The rest of the dogfight stopped once again at the shimmering new distraction that was literally growing by the second.
Even as they fused, the duo kept flying up until a much larger form still bathed in white crashed down in the middle of marshy field in a perfect three-point landing. The new fusion stood as tall as White Diamond's current form, her posture beaming with pride already as her body dimmed and revealed a subtly brawny physique under sky-blue skin.
Her four arms were set into a bicep flex pose off of a bodybuilder with her top two arms facing up and her bottom pair curling down. She wore a sleeveless slightly tattered dress that went down to her knees over a pair of navy-blue stockings and short black heels. Topping all of this was a windswept fringe of kaleidoscopic hair going down to her upper back colored in various shades of blue from near periwinkle at the edge and going to bright royal blue in the middle.
"Prepare yourselves, duelists!" the new fusion announced in the most grandiose voice she could muster, "I, Beryl, have been summoned to prove my worth in this contest of champions! May we win in a valorous blaze of glory!"
"Well, she seems… Bold," Sandstone said, a little taken aback by this arrival.
"Hey, the more the merrier," Garnet shrugged, "So, Beryl, what can you do?"
Her answer was to scoop her arms down to form wet dirt wads the size of medicine balls and fling them in four different directions by bending her arms but nothing else. Rhodonite and Ametrine had to leap up to avoid being bowled over on opposite ends of the playfield while Yellow Diamond and Opal each had to duck to avoid being beaned on the other ends. Miles away, four miniature mud explosions rocked the ground across from the four corners.
That kind of retaliation was quickly met with those same four gems all aiming at from opposite sides. In one fluid movement she managed to jump over the smaller gems' shots while twisting her body so that the larger attacks flew past her.
"Quite the showman, aren't you?" Pink asked, her hands tucked behind her back to hide a mudball.
"Something of the sort," Beryl admitted, "But I'm also quite willing to be the punchline. So go ahead and splat me with that oh-so cleverly concealed ball you have, won't you?"
Pink then put up her hands, coincidentally dropping her weapon. Beryl raised her eyebrows only to be slammed from head-to-toe by a literal tidal wave of mud taller than her courtesy of a smirking Sandstone.
"Good to know you've got the appropriate sense of humor," the literal mudslinger winked, "Because I would've felt guilty doing that to someone unwilling."
The romantic gem's answer was to them put up all four of her hands and summon a pair of massive pair of blades easily taller than Garnet with edges closer to a saw than any conventional blade. She brandished her pair of weapons with a confident gleam in her eye.
"I request you to try that stunt again. Please, allow me to really flourish my skills."
Seeing no real reason to disagree, Sandstone summoned another wave and watched as Beryl sliced through it with a single downswing of her right arms. The two halves eventually crashed to a stop behind her but Sandstone was more interested in sending shots of every size and shape at her. Beryl began practically juggling the oversized serrated swords with them becoming cerulean blurs that managed to cut through or parry away everything the towering teal fusion threw at her until they both stopped on a dime.
"I suppose you really are something," Sandstone admitting with grudging respect, "I'd hate to be anyone who gets on your bad side."
"You're quite wise and couth for someone who casually slings around filth," Beryl returned with the same look, "As much I'd like to impress you all with my amazingness some more, it feels right to depart at my peak."
She leapt into the air, twirling like a corkscrew until she crashed onto the ground into a perfect handstand on her top set of arms. The other two flashed peace signs as she bid her final words.
"Farewell, fellow Crystal Gems! We shall meet again, whether in mock combat or a real rebellion, and I will relish the occasion!"
Like a light switch being flipped, Beryl's body flashed white before shrinking and splitting back into Zoisite and Kunzite who both bowed as the rest of the team applauded. They noticed that all of the diamonds joined in albeit with differing enthusiasm.
While the game may have been brought to a standstill, everyone was satisfied to wrap things up now and let Sandstone resolidify the ground before Adamite and Lapis split up.
"Well, that was an unconventional way to spend an afternoon," Priyanka said eventually, the Crystal Gems now heading back as a much more unified team, "But I guess I should expect more of that with you all. So, now what?"
"Tomorrow, we'll have a proper meeting on what to do about Rose," Yellow said, "I must say, I haven't felt this relaxed in ages. We might have to make this something regular."
By the time the group had returned to the temple, everyone was ready to simply spend the rest of the day unwinding in different ways. The diamonds were to return to their ship and the others were stepping inside when they all spotted a silvery gem sitting by the kitchen counter with a stack of books behind her.
"Ah, you've returned," she said neutrally, "I was correct in hypothesizing that you were only gone from your base temporarily. I did assume the worst when I noticed the diamonds' personal attack ships parked in front of your domicile."
"Mercury?!" Bismuth balked, "What are you doing back here? I thought you had gone wandering around the world or something."
"I was continuing my pursuit of knowledge when I happened across this planet's galaxy warp. On a whim, I used one of the active pads and found myself on a colony that was being converted away from gem production and into some cross between an outdoor art gallery and a playground. I was met by several gems who wanted me to meet 'Mother Rose' but I bid a hasty retreat. I then smashed that same pad and warped here awaiting answers from you all."
"So, Rose is still expanding her turf," Pearl noted sadly, "But that shouldn't be too much of a worry. As long as we have some preparation time, we shouldn't have anything to worry about."
Rose Quartz flitted about from planet to planet, simply burning off nervous energy. She desperately wanted the diamonds found but neither her own efforts or her followers' searching had revealed anything. She was beginning to wonder if they had somehow warped to an entirely different quadrant of the universe when a group of scouts spotted something.
The Mega Diamond itself was on Earth, feet away from her temple.
Rose's anger flared for a brief second before thanking the scouts for the intel and preparing. She wanted to rocket to her home world as soon as possible and annihilate the diamonds but she couldn't stomach the thought of the others getting in the crosshairs. She needed a different approach.
And joining my fantasy voice cast is Britt McKillip as Beryl! If the canon series can use rare fusions for comedy, why can't I? I hope you enjoyed the reprieve because Rose isn't happy with it.
Thank you all so much for reading! Feel free to leave a review or any questions/comments.