CHAPTER THIRTEEN
… or was he?
7 days before the wedding—
Hinata had been focusing on planning Konoha's wedding of the year. Literally. Whenever she thought about the political agenda behind their arranged marriage, she struggled to fully grasp her emotions. Everything about her situation spiraled down to one conclusion;
Life was never made to be an easy ride.
She began to understand that too well lately.
Once in a while, she would send a message to Sasuke, reminding his to-do lists that should be done 2 weeks prior. And often, his response wasn't music to her ears or flowers to her eyes.
"No need to remind me all the time."
"You said that before. I'm not forgetful."
"K."
The attitude. How could someone be so annoyingly cold? She sat down after trying to place her clothes into the other side of Sasuke's huge closet. Sakura, as always, was there to help the Hyūga. She noticed Hinata's sudden frustrated sigh, fast enough to make her turn to check on the heiress.
"I'm gonna assume you're dispirited," Said Sakura.
"Tell me about it," Hinata sighed.
The pink-haired wife of Naruto placed the last piece of clothing into the closet before sitting next to Hinata. Sakura always knew how to approach her best friend, which was comforting for the heiress.
"Wanna talk about it? How about some tea? Sasuke's got crazy cool ocean views, and it's almost sunset."
With Hinata's nod of approval, Sakura walked downstairs toward the kitchen, followed by the soon-to-be-wed. She was correct; it was almost sunset. It was an hour before the sky turned orange and pink, Hinata's favorite time of the day, especially when she was home in Sasuke's house. His absence that day was needed. He had told her that he would be home late from work.
Hinata took a seat at the dining table facing the floor-to-ceiling windows, looking out to the vast ocean. When Sakura approached her with a mug of peppermint tea, she, too, sat looking out at the mesmerizing view.
"Still dunno how he got this house built. Said he designed the house himself."
"When was it finalized?" Hinata asked, somehow alert to small details about the Uchiha during her four-year absence.
Sakura shrugged. "Around 3 months before you came to Konoha," the pinkette paused, grinning slightly, "I asked him why he needed to build such a big house for one person. And he told me that he wanted to host those closest to him at any time. Well, I'd say it's big because it's got three bedrooms, and they're equally spacious."
"And did he? Host those closest to him?" Hinata asked, obviously curious.
"Just me, Naruto, Itachi, and Shikamaru. Oh, Kiba and Shino, too, surprisingly."
"Kiba and Shino?"
"Yeah. I wouldn't have thought of it, either. At first, I thought it was so that he could know how you're doing from them, too. But over time, I guess they bonded. Sasuke's mysterious like that," she explained.
"Mysterious and inconsistent," Hinata continued, "He acts very caring today and is ice cold the next day."
"I figured. Did he say something to upset you today?"
"Not really. I'm just having trouble assessing my feelings."
Hinata was quiet for a while because she tried her best to choose the right words. She had to remind herself that Sakura must not know everything. Hinata had to be aware that all Sakura knew was that the wedding was… arranged. To Hinata's advantage, Sakura wasn't the person to pester someone with questions leading to her proclaiming rights. Sakura was talented in listening without having to voice her opinions all the time. Hinata wished more people were like that. The world would be a better place, maybe.
"I just… I understand I've acted… wrongly."
"Elaborate?" Sakura responded.
"I wasn't honest with Sasuke about my past relationship with Kabuto. I acted all holy and innocent."
"Was that something you didn't realize?"
Hinata shook her head. "I acted that way because I wanted him to suffer as I did. I wanted him to feel like he was the only one, and this situation between us sucks, and I'm still forced to accept it."
"Are you, though? Are you forced to accept this situation?"
"Well, yes. I am. And I have no choice but to go through this."
"Do you think Sasuke is forced to accept this as well?"
"…Yes. I do."
Sakura remained quiet, waiting for Hinata to continue. "I apologized to him because I felt disgusted with myself. But I still can't heal from the past, Sakura. I… I don't know how."
The pink-haired took Hinata's hand, her green eyes looking straight into Hinata's lavender eyes. "Healing is always around the corner. You just need to welcome it."
Hinata's eyes were welling up with tears right when Sasuke opened the entrance door. He was early. With a comforting smile from Sakura, she greeted Sasuke with a hug.
"Good to see you, friend. How was work?" She asked the Uchiha.
"Fine. Everything settled with Hinata's stuff?"
"Yep. I'll take my leave now," Sakura concluded, grabbing her purse on one of the living room couches.
"Stay for dinner, please," Hinata said as she walked over to her best friend.
"I wish I could, but I have a date planned with my husband. Maybe we can all have a vacation after your honeymoon?"
"Done," Sasuke said briefly, opening the door for Sakura.
"Well then. Call me if you guys need anything!"
Once the door shut, silence fell into the room. Hinata had turned on some lights before sunset approached. And Hinata noticed Sasuke looked worn, as if he sped up some work to be home early. But he still hasn't said anything. Instead, he walked toward the kitchen to grab a glass of water.
What is wrong with this man?
The heiress walked closer to the kitchen, keeping her distance from the man. She's just too tired of trying to figure him out all the time.
"Have-Have you done what I reminded you to do today?"
"No,"
"… Okay. Why?"
"I had way too much to do in the office."
"I see. You could ask me to do it, you know."
"Noted."
"I am not Karin—" Hinata said, caught in the regret of voicing herself out. Maybe she shouldn't have said that. Sasuke glanced at his fiancé, studying her as he always had, a sign that he wanted her to continue to speak.
"You have been cold lately. And you answer like I'm not your fiancé. When I moved in 2 weeks ago, you weren't like this. I understand our difficult situation, but you need to tell me what's on your mind."
"There's nothing on my mind. I don't want to talk about it."
"I bet that's what you said to Hana after you slept with her."
She saw him clenching his fists on the kitchen island, letting out a breath. He was calming himself. She noticed that he wasn't looking at her any longer, maybe trying to hide his face.
"How long are you going to hold my sins against me?"
Hinata fell silent.
"I could care less how long you've been with Kabuto. I never minded that. You know that. We're not in some competition who is more righteous than who. This is not a Holier Than Thou situation. You and I have fucked up lives, and we have no choice but to try to redeem it."
She saw him walking towards her now. And just like Hinata, he kept his distance. "Just because I've hurt you doesn't mean my pain isn't valid, Hinata."
"Which I've apologized for," she said.
"Which I've forgiven and never held against you for," he responded. "It's all in the past for me."
"Then…" said Hinata, almost breathless, "Then why are you so cold towards me, Sasuke? Why are you treating me like any other girl? Just like all those years ago."
"I'm not. You're living here now, aren't you?"
"Yes, but you've got an attitude. You are annoyed whenever I remind you to do something."
"Because! Sometimes I feel like you still hate me—" Sasuke said, turning his body away from Hinata, signaling disconnection that still tries to reconnect.
"I see it in your eyes. You're not ready to forgive me." Sasuke continued.
"No, you're wrong."
"Then why do you still mention Hana?"
"N-No," Her voice quivering, "It's not that Sasuke, that's not what I—"
"Then what, Hinata? What? I'm trying to atone here! I'm trying."
"Sasuke—" She was crying because she was unable to express her feelings. "I don't know how to heal from all this pain. I don't know how. I was so devoted to you. I was ready to go all the way with you. And when I saw your text messages with her... I faithfully waited for you… I felt betrayed. I don't know how to recover from that yet…."
"And I—" Sasuke started, "I can't stand the fact I'm so fucking jealous of Kabuto. I wish I never did all those things. I wish you could have been mine when I had the chance."
Hinata rested her back against a wall near her, still crying, not knowing what to do to mend what was broken between the two.
"How are we going to do this, Sasuke? How are we going to start our marriage right?"
"Do you love me?"
Hinata's heart felt like it crushed her very soul. "…I hate that I do. I do love you. More than anything."
Now resting his back on a wall across from Hinata, Sasuke let out a sigh.
"D-Do you… love me?" She asked.
"Yes. I do."
More silence. Finally, Sasuke seemed to man up more by explaining himself.
"The reason why I was cold… I had so much on my mind. And all of that is about the obvious elephant between us. I've lost count of how many times we've been here, Hinata. I don't want to have to hurt you again with my words. All this… political game of marriage we're in… If you are truly happy with someone else, I'd let you go."
That was painful to hear.
"And I was trying my best to find ways so that you won't have to waste 15 years of your life with me. I asked everyone I could in the council. I even went to Kakashi myself."
She didn't know any of this.
"I don't want my existence to bring you more pain if all you remember when you look at me was what I did to ruin you."
Her tears seemed to produce twice more when he said all of that. He had that in his mind all this time, and she never knew.
"But, I found no other solution. So, Hinata, I'm sorry. I'll sleep in the other room tonight."
With that, he left to walk up the stairs, leaving her in tears.
3 days before the wedding—
"Tell me what troubles you, child."
Hinata had told Sasuke that she needed time to be with her father over the weekend. It meant she would see him again at the altar on their wedding day. She had packed two days' worth of clothes and was dedicated to spending valuable time with her only parent on the planet. When Hiashi made that statement, Hinata shifted in her seat. The morning sun was gentle on both their skins, yet her heart was weary and anxious.
"E-Everything, father. I don't know how one person can handle so much all at once."
Hiashi managed a small smile. "Arranged marriages are not easy."
"Were you and mother arranged as well?"
"Of course. Although I have to admit, I did have my eyes on her for so long. I didn't think luck was on our side."
Hinata knew that whatever her father had between her mother was easier. It was nothing like what was going on between her and Sasuke. Neji entered the room with two mugs of tea in a sudden yet swift motion when Hinata least expected it. He placed one on the table for Hiashi and then for Hinata. He then sat next to his cousin.
"How's the wedding preparation going, Hinata?" He'd ask.
"It's okay. Almost everything is set up well. Thanks to you." She would say, a smile evident on her face. If there's anything she can be thankful for, it's her relationship with Neji. Somehow, because of the alliance between the Hyūga and Uchiha, Neji had become softer and more loving toward Hinata.
"So, what is it that you need, child?" Hiashi continued.
Hinata, now grabbing her mug, fixed her eyes on her tea. "I've come to seek council. I sometimes wish mother was still alive. She'd know what to say." Both men were silent because they knew she was right. Then, she continued to ask, "How does forgiveness work in a marriage, father?"
"You are right in saying your mother would have been the right person to answer this question. However, I will try my best."
Hinata glanced at her father, and all three laughed a little. Who knew Hiashi had a sense of humor?
"I haven't been the best person towards your mother either, Hinata. If any, all we do is argue and make up. Sometimes it takes days before we resolve into peace. More often than not, your mother forgave my trespasses quickly."
"B-But how? How did she do it?"
A hint of emotion was seen on her father's face. Something rare. "Ah, I don't know."
"Forgive me, father. With all due respect, usually, one can have criteria as to who their future spouse would be like. And within the criteria, there is a list the human needs to fulfill for someone to be worthy. Isn't that still true today?" Hinata asked.
"Sure. But you have no choice. You have to marry."
"That's… true."
"And is Sasuke someone you have eyes on long before your engagement?"
"Yes. We've had our… quarrels. I was hurt. But I'm glad that it's him and not someone else."
"Alright. Why do you think you are glad?"
Hinata looked down at her fingers as they found shelter around her mug. "B-Because… he brings out the best in me, too. Despite his shortcomings and the things he did that hurt me, he had always been the only one who would fight for me. And he would take care of me. He valued me as an equal, not a subordinate. He's smart. And kind, underneath the cool facade."
"Seems like that wasn't too hard for you to answer."
The Hyūga heiress grinned, taking a sip of her favorite peppermint tea. "I suppose you're right."
"But, uncle, does everyone have to forgive fast?" Neji suddenly asked.
"Hm. My wife would always say that not everyone can forgive fast. But everyone can choose to start."
Hinata looked at her father with tears in her eyes. "I miss her," she finally said.
"I do, too. I miss her every day." Hiashi said, standing from his seat. With that, Hinata stood as well, facing her father, a custom in the Hyūga household, when a leader was about to leave the room.
"Criteria may be good for establishing a company, school, or firm. But it does not do humans any justice when it comes to character. What promotes growth is not the criteria. It's grace." He said although he paused.
It seemed to Hinata that he was about to say something more profound. She had always known that he was wise. Yet, she never knew she needed to hear what he had been saying. And to her surprise, he had said the most vulnerable words a Hyūga male would ever say.
"I want to apologize, Hinata. I have been harsh towards you. I placed my criteria of what it means to be a leader of the Hyūga family, and I shamed you for not fulfilling that criterion. I had no right to put you into such defeat."
Even Neji couldn't believe what he was hearing and seeing.
"As a father, I should have been the one helping you grow into the person you were created to be. You have the qualities of your mother, and that is precious. I should have supported you in your dreams. I should have been present in your sufferings."
Hinata felt her heart leaping. Her tears were overflowing. And her whole being wanted to fall into her father's arms. "I have caused you pain for years. Can you ever forgive me, child?" He said, as he, too, had tears welling up in his eyes. He took her hands in his, hoping that Hinata would forgive him. By this time, Hinata had been choking up tears.
"Y-Yes, father. I forgive you."
She then fell into her father's embrace, and the two hugged for a while. Hinata was given the space to weep, and she could feel her heart being replaced with a new one that beats life and love. And somehow, the reconciliation the two experienced brought a new frame of mind of what it meant to atone. And most importantly, what it meant to wash away someone's sins, making them whiter than snow. She felt alive.
"Are you ready for your wedding?"
With confidence and knowing all too well why the wedding was necessary, Hinata said,
"I choose to be."