I'm So Done With This
Chapter 1:
Harry James Potter was a lot of things. He was a hard worker, he was relatively at peace with life, He was a Parseltongue, He was a Metamorphmagus, and he was fate's chew toy. The last one seemed to be the one that he was most used to.
His life had been plagued by a prophecy since before his birth, one that set him on a road filled with heartache and manipulations. After 17 years it was finally fulfilled, and he finally had a chance to be happy.
Not!
He wasn't happy, turns out most of his friends left him after he served his purpose. All because he was still whole and rich, even though the last of his family was gone. So, he did what he always did, he adapted.
He threw himself into his work and when his old mates came begging back into his life pleading forgiveness, he raised the middle finger at them. It wasn't all bad though he still had a couple of good friends, George, Neville, Susan, and Luna. He also still had his godson and his godson's grandmother.
At 32 years old he had lived a life that felt a lot longer than it was. That's what you get when you have psychopath that was after you before you were even in nappies.
So, while his life had sucked, he had dealt with it with sarcasm and wit, that eerily reminded his pseudo mother Andromeda Tonks of her cousin. He tried to tell her that he was always serious. She would of course smack him upside the head and grumble about there being two of them. Meh, he liked his trickster nature it helped ground him and helped him forget the atrocities that he had witnessed.
When he woke up that morning, or it should have been morning he was beyond livid. Not because he woke up and it was still night. No, what made him livid that he was back at Privet Drive, and he looked like he was 15.
So, he did the most rational thing he could think of, he screamed. This was apparently the wrong action as this turned out to be the night The Order had 'rescued' him from his hell.
He thought it was kind of amusing to see Tonks and company stare at him like he had grown two heads. He didn't bother to explain why he screamed, he thought that he must be in shock.
An hour later they touched down at Grimmauld, and he walked in without even reading the slip of paper that Moody tried to show him. He did fall asleep there the night before, only problem was that it wasn't in 1995, it was in 2012. Were the Mayans right? Did the end of the world occur or just his?
He didn't even notice the shocked looks of The Order as he bypassed the fidelus charm. Not that he would have cared, he had long since outstripped even Voldemort in power, truthfully, they posed no threat to The Master of Death.
He finally broke out of his stupor as the bookworm tried to hug him, he quickly evaded her. She tried apologizing to him for what he remembered as the summer of 'no comment', he ignored her as the human garbage disposal tried to speak to him. What truly caused him to snap though was seeing the Potions Queen trying to usher him upstairs to avoid the Order meeting he remembered. Merlin how he hated the bitch that almost took his son from him.
"NOOOOOO! Not again, I'm not dealing with this shit!" He yelled.
His audience looked at him like he was insane, maybe he was. He was apparently 17 years in the past, anything was possible.
"Harry Dear-"
Glaring at The Potions Queen, "Quiet! I'm not dealing with this. Whoever did this better send me back because I will not relive this shit!"
The Order now was looking at their fearless leader, trying to figure out what was going on as Harry barged into the meeting room.
He pointed at the bearded manipulator, "Now send me back you manipulative old man."
Albus just looked at Harry in confusion, "You want to return to your relatives?"
Harry scoffed at the idiot, "No you idiot, send me back to 2012 and give me my body back! I hated being a teenager." Technically he knew he could get his body back to how it was when he went to sleep, a benefit of being a Metamorphmagus.
Harry spotted his Dogfather, a man he missed immensely but he steeled his heart, he didn't belong here.
"You think you're from the future?" Some guy he didn't really remember, maybe his name was Hodge or something.
"No moron I know I'm from the future so whatever shit you people pulled send me back, I am not killing Voldy again."
At the mention that he killed that wanker Harry got more looks of what he was now terming his insanity plea. Why plea, he didn't know it just sounded good in his head. Meh, whatever he could come up with whatever terminology he wanted for well anything.
"My Boy-"
Harry interrupted what he was sure would be I know more than you speech the manipulative old man usually preached, "I am not your boy, the only balls I came out of was James Potter."
Most of the order's jaw dropped at that, well except for Harry's dogfather and his fellow metamorph as they laughed up a storm. Nymphadora always did have a pretty laugh in his opinion.
Ohhhh, she didn't know he was a metamorph. Time to shock her he thought, it would be funny, or maybe he should wait, otherwise they would think he was an impostor. Meh, who cared.
Harry quickly adapted his standard morph, which consisted of him looking like he was 25. Who cared if he made himself look younger, otherwise what was the point of being a metamorph.
When he morphed everyone simply shit, or at least a few did, Harry could smell something foul, that might just have been Snape though. To this day he was pretty sure he used some type of manure as his hair product. They also leveled their wands at him, that was annoying, so he decided to increase the gravity in the room. A neat trick he learned when he fought those mummies in Egypt, ancient knowledge was truly the best.
That's when he saw it as everyone was forced to the ground, his wand firmly clasped in the hand of one whiskered wanker.
"Mine!" The elder wand spun to his hand and elicited sparks of approval at its master.
"Just so everyone's clear. I Harry James Potter so swear on my life and magic that when I went to sleep last night it was 2012, so I swear so mote it be." With a flick of the wand, he conjured his Basilisk Patronus.
He then summoned every wand in the room to him, banishing them into a pocket dimension he opened. Another neat trick he picked up, this time in Tokyo.
Was it the Hallows that brought him here, he remembered telling death years ago to fuck off when he, she, or it tried to get him to return to the past. Apparently too many people died in the war to sustain the magic of the world, or some other bullshit reason he couldn't remember.
Looking at his shiny new/old wand, "Was it you, did you bring me here?" The wand hummed in what he figured was an affirmative "Well than fuck you too!" If death sent him here, he was stuck for good, fucking wanker. He would have a talk with him at the end of his life, maybe kick him in his nuts if he had any.
Harry looked around the room as he returned the gravity to normal, he noticed he was getting more of the insanity plea looks. Ah well can't win them all he thought.
Whistling softly, Harry looked around the room, his old friends were looking at him in awe and fear. Sirius was looking at him in a way that looked as if he wasn't sure if he was still in Azkaban. Snape's sneer was gone replaced by a look of fear, maybe he was one of the ones that soiled himself, he should recommend a nappy for the man and maybe some new shampoo or just a hair net.
Turning he looked at the other half of the room, Minerva just gave him her stern you got detention look, even with his time travel she still kind of freaked him out. Albus looked at Harry as though he crapped in his cereal, he might have to do that later he mused, it sounded fun.
If he was going to be stuck in this new timeline, then he would have to deal with Tommy again, so that meant he had to deal with his soul anchors. That should be fun, since he would now be using the elder wand he wouldn't have to worry about the trace, not that they would be able to apprehend him.
Casting an air freshening charm, as he sat down, dear merlin someone needed to change their pants he thought with a shudder. "Now, I got some good news, and I got some bad news."
"What's the good news." Sirius asked wearily.
"The good news is I'll take out Mr. No Eyebrows a year and change early while preventing many of your deaths." Harry said smiling at them.
"My bo-, Mr. Potter we can't have you change the timeline, it could be disastrous."
Harry waved his hand at Mr. Senile, "Naw, were good, death sent me back I just conferred with him, or at the very least the wand did."
Tonks looked at him in confusion, "But you didn't talk to anyone!"
"That's subjective." He as in me said.
"W-w-what?" She was kind of cute when she stammered.
"Anyway, I'll first deal with wankermorts soul anchors, ohh speaking of." He wondered if he still had the horcrux scar, luckily, he learned a horcrux detector while in Egypt. Unfortunately, it was 6 years late to learn. His scan came up clean, the connection must have been severed when his older soul replaced his younger one. He could work with that.
"Sweet I'm not an anchor anymore!" More insanity plea looks and a constipated shocked look from the senile one.
"Then I'll use a spell on Moldyshorts that will cause every dark mark to go boom and will be in the clear and we can go on with our lives. Preferably on a beach surrounded by blondes." That elicited a grin from his dogfather and a gulp of fear from Mr. Poo.
Mr. Senile decided to put his foot down, "YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE TIMELINE!"
"Can't is a four-letter word for yes!" Harry said smartly, just to throw everyone off, it worked as Albus looked stumped.
"No, it's not." Mr. Minister said.
Harry raised his hand at him wagging his hand at Kingsley or Mr. Minister as he forever called him much to his chagrin, "In the Harry James Fucking Potter dictionary it is. I've been doing it my whole life. You can't save the philosophers stone, you can't save Ginerva Weasley from the Basilisk, you can't save your innocent godfather from dementors, you can't kill Tommy."
"I mock you all because all the cant's you told me that I did." Harry raised his head in victory.
His victory was short lived though as the bookworm took her head out of her books and lectured him, "No one said you can't for any of that!"
He shook his head, "Meh, I heard it clear as day. Words need not be said for certain things Ms. Bookworm."
"Mate what the hell happened to you!" Garbage Disposal asked.
"Well Mr. Garbage, the war took the few people I cared about, Tonks, Sirius, and Fred. The rest abandoned me because I apparently didn't lose enough, you fell in that category as did your I'm always right bitch of a wife. Then your crazy sister decided to try to love potion me into a marriage. Last I checked she had attempted it 22 times in the past 15 years, even after I turned her into a dog and dropped her off at the pound. That was a quiet 6 months." He finished with a grin plastered on his face.
The plebs looked at him in shock, all except Tonks, and Sirius who looked to fighting back a laugh. The Twins looked to be switching between amusement and protectiveness.
"Needless to say, if she tries to love potion me this time, I'll make the change permanent. I'll then drop her off at the pound and feed every male dog in attendance an aphrodisiac. If she wants to try to rape me, she can suffer the consequences of her actions." Harry could see Ginny dump the pitcher she was holding into the sink, hopefully that would have her keep her distance, not that he would do the aphrodisiac part, the pound was the best 6 months of his life.
Looking at Tonks reignited his protectiveness of her, to this day he wasn't sure if it was a crush or a protective younger/older brother thing. Considering he pictured her naked quite frequently when he was younger, it had at to be a crush, at least he hoped because than it just got weird and creepy.
"Remus, if you abandon and cause your wife to die in this timeline, I will cut your balls off and shove them down your throat and then proceed to light you on fire, we clear?" The marauder shook his head in the affirmative, faster than Harry ever thought possible.
"Wait he abandoned his wife?" Sirius asked me.
"Yeah, he abandoned his pregnant wife until I kicked his ass and sent him back. Then he abandoned her again right after she gave birth, then she followed after him even though she hadn't recovered from childbirth, and she died. Andromeda really hated you Remus, then again, I kind of do to. I mean you did leave me with abusive relatives all because woe is me."
Remus looked sick and Tonks realizing the pregnant wife was her looked furious and Sirius well, Sirius launched himself at his sole remaining friend. A quick body bind held him in place though.
"Calm down you two, it hasn't happened yet."
Sirius rage did not abate though, "He still abandoned you! To abusive muggles, oh merlin what did I do, if I hadn't left to go after Peter then you wouldn't have been raised like that." Tears pouring down the one faithful marauders face.
Harry shook his head at that, "That's doubtful, Mr. Senile over there knew you were innocent. Why do you think he sealed my parents will, which say's your innocent. He wanted me to grow up unloved and abused so he could mold me to be his perfect little weapon to die by Voldy's hand.
The room collectively looked at Mr. Leader of the sheep and their looks ranged from disbelief, shock, and rage as was the case of his dogfather, Moody, Tonks, Minerva, and Kingsley. It figured that the aurors in the order would be pissed at an innocent man being sent to hell.
Before anyone could attack Albus Harry spoke up, "Wonderful night were having isn't, I think I'm going to go get laid now." He nodded his head and opened the pocket dimension back up and banished all the wands back to their owners. Snape's might have snapped, and Hodges kind of stabbed him in his shoulder. Oh, well he wasn't perfect.
"Come Dogfather, we have ladies to entertain."
"Pup, I'm a wanted man."
Merlin wizards were so dumb, he rolled his eyes at the stupidity of wizard kind. "I'll pop over to the store and get some hair dye, and then we can cut your hair and make you look nice. Besides you look like you need a good meal before we go clubbing, it looks like a strong breeze would take you out of commission."
Turning towards his favorite male twins, the Patil's were still the best twins he had slept with though. "Gred, Forge clubbing?" They nodded at him, he wasn't sure they even knew what it was, a wandless silencer on their mother helped them ignore her incoming tirade. They looked thankful, a good deed a day and all that.
Tonks looked at him in mock anger, "Because I got a pair of tits I can't come with."
"Only if your prepared for drunken sex then sure come along, Ms. Jones your more than welcome too." He added wagging his eyebrows at her causing her to blush brightly and give a quick nod, score one for him.
Tonks scoffed at me, "Oh, please, you couldn't handle me."
Deciding to tease the ever-loving shit out of the beautiful woman he walked right next to her and whispered what he could do with his abilities to her. He clearly won as she started stammering and turned redder than Hestia did.
"Think about what I said." Winking at her and flipping off Remus for the look of rage he was giving him.
"Be right back." He said popping away.
Getting the hair dye was easy, he also got a couple of piercings for Sirius to help make him look like an early thirties' punk rocker. A couple confundus charms and he had a stack of rocker clothes complete with chains, some piercing materials, and blue hair dye.
When he arrived back to his chaotic home, Albus had flown the coop as did Snapple, they must have missed the charms he layered into the house that would cause them to forget the day. The spell only targeted those that wished him ill will. Remus was gone, which wasn't a surprise, he was always a coward.
It only took about an hour to get Sirius looking unrecognizable, he seemed excited. He would make this a night he wouldn't forget, he deserved to have some fun. He shifted his appearance slightly to give himself his 25-year-old self-blue hair. Tonks and Hestia looked at him appreciatively. He was unsurprised to see Kingsley ready to go also, he gave him a look that said try to stop me. Not that he would they hung out a lot after the war, the man was great at a party.
Oi! Tonks, what's the best club, the one me and Kingsley used to go to doesn't open for another 6 years."
"We went partying together?" Mr. Minister asked.
Harry clasped his hand to his shoulder, "All the time Mr. Minister."
"Wait, Kingsley became Minister?" Hestia asked.
"Yeah, most beloved minister since 1432, at least according to most of the population, he made them feel safe after the war."
"It's funny last time we went clubbing he ended up marrying his what was supposed to be one night stand, man Phillip was awesome."
"Your gay King?" Sirius asked.
I snorted, "Please King will tap anything that walks, it just happened that he fell in love with a man."
Kingsley let out a peel of laughter he had long ago discarded simple things like sexuality.
Harry noticed Molly looking disgusted, why she had a problem with people who laid with their own gender still astounded him. For Merlin's sake her second son was gay and proud of it, he probably avoided home because of her tirades that it was just a phase.
He did notice she was keeping her distance from those that were going to go out, at least until she spotted her two hellions. Fortunately for them he silenced and froze her in place, only the barest grin from the twins and surprisingly Arthur showed their happiness to the action.
Arthur did give him a look that he was sure said please let it last a while, he nodded his head at the good man. He let out a light sigh of relief as he said goodnight loudly and made his way upstairs.
Harry clapped his hands together, "So, some late-night grub first, Taco's good?"
The three aurors shook their head affirmatively, the three purebloods on the other hand asked, "What's Taco's?"
"Oh, Merlin. You three are heathens." He shook his head in disgust, fucking purebloods.
From there the night turned chaotic. Introducing tacos to the purebloods was awesome though. The twins said it was the best thing they had ever eaten, telling them they haven't had a real taco until they went to Mexico. Harry was pretty sure that they would be going to Mexico after the war, hell he would join them. Sirius didn't talk much while he ate, Harry was pretty sure he was just happy to get out of the house.
After that we went to a night club Tonks recommended. The night became a blur after that. He vaguely recalled Sirius disappearing with a stacked redhead and Kingsley leaving with a rather fetching brunette. The twins disappeared with another set of twins oddly enough, he forgot this was the summer that they were technically off with their on and off girlfriends. As for him, Tonks, and Hestia drank and danced the night away.
He woke up with his head pounding trapped between the two, drunken sex indeed. He would have laid his head back down and drifted back off to sleep only to see Andromeda Tonks and Teddy Lupin looking at him. He looked back and forth between the sleeping forms of his new lovers and his pseudo-mother and son.
A glaring Andromeda was a scary Andromeda, "Harry James Potter what the hell did you do."
He groaned as he slammed his head back down on the pillow, it figures that death wanted to complicate matters, he knew how much he loved what family he had left so he sent them back with him. The barmy codger.
Chapter 2:
"Mum?" Tonks managed to get out mortified that she was caught in her bed with her best friend and technically a 15-year-old Harry Potter or was he 32. She wasn't sure he looked 25 though.
Andromeda looked at her daughter tears in her eyes, Teddy looked on the verge of tears himself. "Get dressed Nymphadora, we have a lot to talk about."
Tonks looked at her mother and the teenage boy confused, "I can explain everything. It is Harry Potter but he's technically 32."
Andromeda let out a snort, "Of course he is, dammit Harry every time. Did you really have to defile my daughter, the Patil twins and the Greengrass's weren't enough for you."
"Really Dad, Mum! Couldn't you sleep with anyone else." Teddy said glaring at the only father he ever knew.
Harry raised both hands in the air palms up, "To be fair Teddy, I was drunk."
"You're always drunk when you bring a conquest home." Teddy made air quotes at the word conquest, causing his grandmother to slap the back of his head.
"Do not talk to your father that way young man!"
Teddy's hair shifted red in embarrassment, "Yes, Grandma."
Tonks watched all this confused as Hestia snored on, "I'm so confused right now."
Harry looked at his fellow bedmate and decided to take pity on her, "It looks like your mum's mind was sent back along with your son intact."
Harry was scratching his head nervously; Andromeda and Teddy were one of the few people he toned his sarcasm down around. Andromeda called it his defense mechanism after all.
"Yes, imagine my shock when I woke up almost two decades younger than when I went to sleep laying next to my formerly dead husband."
"I could see how that would be a problem mum." Harry mumbled, shocking Tonks at the way he addressed her mother, not that she wasn't already seeing a son she hadn't had yet.
"A Problem? Grandpa tried to curse me, he caught me asleep on the couch and thought I was an intruder!" Teddy said throwing his hands up in the air.
Harry sprung into action silently banishing his previous nights attire on his body, causing Tonks to let out a squeak at seeing his form for a moment again.
Getting out of bed he went to hug and check his son for injuries only for Teddy to back up.
Seeing the hurt on his fathers he explained, "No, not touching you with you smelling like sex and liquor."
Harry smiled sheepishly throwing out a wandless cleaning charm on him and Tonks, only to be stopped again before he could hug Teddy by Andromeda, "Go shower, you too Nymphadora."
She walked out of the room Teddy on her heels, trying not to look at his mother.
"Teddy Remus Lupin, your son with Remus, though I did blood adopt him when he was 6 with your mother permission of course."
"You blood adopted my kid?" She said looking at him, if Teddy was only 6 then that meant that he was only 23 or 24 at the time.
"Best decision I ever made, you and Remus might have made that kid but he was my son the moment I laid my eyes on him. You two named me godfather." Harry said beaming at her, she could see the happiness and pride radiating off him. It made him more attractive to her than he was last night.
"I'm going to go take a shower, should we wake Hes. I'm curious how she is still sleeping." He asked.
Tonks let out a laugh, "Hes can sleep through a bombing."
"Wanna join me for that shower, just to conserve water of course." Harry innocently asked.
"Only to save water of course." Tonks added shaking her head in agreement.
45 minutes later a clean and satisfied Tonks and Harry made their way to the sitting room leaving the still dead to the world Hestia Jones to sleep off the sex and booze.
Teddy's eye was twitching as he avoided the gaze of his parents, Andromeda looked at them in annoyance. Though inside she was secretly elated. She had become close to Harry over the past 14 years, and he became a son to her, he even called her mum. Now that her daughter was alive maybe he would actually become her son. Remus sure as shit wouldn't if she had anything to say about it.
Ted just looked confused and angry all at once. He was confused over the time travel and angry over having to wait for his daughter and what he assumed was Mr. Potter, he was mostly angry over waiting for them to finish what he assumed was something no father should ever know about their kids.
"Really Nymphadora, it takes you forty-five minutes to shower?" Andromeda asked in mock annoyance.
"You know how it is mum we had to make sure to conserve water." She said innocently at her mother.
"The both of you together, for forty-five minutes. You do know we have multiple bathrooms."
Tonks and Harry looked at each other and nodded saying at the same time, "Conserving water."
Andromeda let out a laugh of exasperation, "Yes, because showering for almost an hour conserves water."
"Just showering, don't put thoughts in my head Grandma." Teddy said slapping his hands to his ears.
Ted rubbed his temple, "I'm with you kid."
Andromeda's face turned serious, "Now what happened."
Harry let out a sigh, "I think death sent us back in time."
Tonks was still a little confused about that, he mentioned it last night. She was surprised when Teddy wrapped her in a quick hug before backing up to his grandmother.
Ted though was even more confused, "When you say death you mean actual death, as in the grim reaper?"
Harry shrugged, "I've only met the chap once and I didn't see any scythe, he offered to send me back in time to fix the world when I was 25. I refused because that meant losing my son. He must have upped the ante. Why he waited 7 years I don't know though."
Tonks asked, "Fix the world?"
Harry nodded, "Yeah after the war a lot of families died out, our population was less than 20 percent of what it is now. Death said magic was dying out, hence his offer since I was technically his emissary."
"Emissary?" Ted was still confused though his wife and his apparent grandson regarded it all as if it was an old story.
"Yeah, I might have united the deathly hallows." Harry said scratching the back of his head.
"The Deathly Hallows are real?" Tonks blurted out.
"Yeah, I already passed the cloak onto Teddy, or I did. The Potters are descended from the third brother. The cloak has been passed down to the firstborn in my family for over 600 hundred years."
Tonks felt an emotion she couldn't describe at the thought that he considered her son his, "You considered Teddy yours?"
Harry looked at Teddy with pride and love, "He may not be my blood, but he is my son, and I saw no reason to change tradition. Besides I was hit with a curse that made me sterile, I can't have kids and even if I could Teddy would have been their older brother and as such the cloak belongs to him, even now."
"You were sterile Harry." Andromeda added.
Harry went pale at that, he looked at Tonks who was taken back from his expression, "Please tell me you're on the potion."
She went pale herself, "You said you would take care of it!"
"I forgot I wasn't sterile!" He was now full-blown panicking.
Unbeknownst to the room Hestia wasn't foolish enough to take Harry at his word and managed to place the proper protection spells on the three of them.
Andromeda slapped her hand to her forehead, "Children I'm surrounded by children."
"Way to go dad, not even back a day and you might already have a kid, two if you knocked up Aunt Hestia also." Teddy said sarcastically.
"Not helping young man, don't make me ground you." Harry said pointing his finger at his son. He looked at Andromeda, "How long do we have to wait for a pregnancy charm."
Andromeda watched in amusement, if he knocked her daughter up, she could push Sirius to write up a contract as Harry's guardian and it would keep that piece of trash away from her daughter.
Deciding to put him out of his misery, "It takes 72 hours, so you'll have to wait. If you, did, you better do the right thing, or you will be sterile again."
He crossed his legs instinctively.
"Mother!"
"Don't you mother me, I just got you back if I have to push Sirius to initiate a wedding between you two I will, anything to get you away from that man." She spat.
Teddy looked down, "Andromeda! I know you don't like Remus after what he did, but he is still Teddy's father!" Harry yelled.
Andromeda looked apologetic for a moment before continuing, "As far I'm concerned your Teddy's father. All Remus was, was a man who abandoned my daughter 6 times in two years, he only married her when Ted threatened him. Then he got my daughter killed. I will always be thankful that the one good thing he did was give us Teddy, but don't make me pretend to tolerate that man now that we have a second chance."
Tonks felt this conversation turned too serious decided to interject, "So, why are you acting like a different person Harry, your sarcasm is gone."
Teddy smiled, "He does that m-mum, he only acts like himself around me and grandma. The Weasleys hurt him bad, so he starts acting like Uncle Sirius to throw people off, so they keep their distance."
"Teddy, you broke the rule." Andromeda chided her grandson.
"Rule?" Ted asked his wife.
Letting out a sigh Harry addressed his son's grandfather, "The rule is not to mention the Weasleys outside of Charlie and George in this house."
"Why?" Ted asked curiously.
"They might have done some things that weren't the best." Harry sheepishly said.
"That's an understatement if I ever heard one. They tried to have Ginerva marry him to steal his wealth and Molly tried to poison Teddy after Harry made him his heir." Andromeda said scowling.
Tonks felt righteous fury at that, "SHE DID WHAT."
"I dealt with her, and if she tries again, she will suffer." Harry said with resolve.
Teddy looked at his mother happy at her reaction, "Dad and Grandma still won't tell me what they did, I've been asking for 7 years."
"What did we tell you about asking stupid questions." Andromeda asked.
Teddy let out a sigh, "Not to ask."
"Your Grandma is right. As you know I was head of house black and as you also know, it was my job to protect not only the house but the members of the house. Somethings you don't need to know, not until you were at least head of the family. Which you probably won't be now that Sirius is alive, and he will stay that way."
"Harry, Sirius is sterile, you will probably still be the head when you come of age again." Andromeda added.
"Great, head of two families yet again." He drummed his finger on his chin as he thought, "I know I'll just make Teddy head of house Potter and Black when he turns 17."
Andromeda shook her head in the negative, "That was only possible because you were sterile, now that you aren't you can only pass on one headship to Teddy, you'll have to have a second son for your other house."
"Fucking politics, if it wasn't because of you two I would just fuck off to America or something."
"Language young man, we've talked about this it's unbecoming for the head of house Black and Potter to use vulgar language."
"Sorry, mum." Harry said properly chastised, causing Ted and Tonks to snicker, with Teddy looking down to hide his grin from his father.
Harry then had a bright idea, "Hah, you can't tell me to mind my language I'm not head anymore, only an heir. Suck it Andromeda." He said raising his hands in victory which left him wide open to an attack as Andromeda sent a stinging hex right to his groin dropping him immediately.
Teddy tried not to laugh; he really did but he joined his father on the floor. Only he was laughing and not groaning in pain.
"Oi! Mum, I need those." Tonks teased the groaning Harry who ignored her in favor of trying to forget his pain.
Teddy looked up at his mum sick to his stomach at what she implied; his grandfather looked to be in a similar state. His Grandma though actually looked like she was beaming in happiness.
Tonks decided to address the elephant in the room, she made her way to her future son and grabbed his arms to get him to his feet. She wrapped him in a hug which he reciprocated.
Teddy had dreamed of this for as long as he could remember. He always wanted to meet and know his mother. The small hug earlier was impulsive of him, he should have made it longer, but he was scared that she wouldn't want to know him.
She pulled away from her son, "I know this is odd, I'm only 22 but I have a 13 year old son now-"
"I just turned 14."
She smiled at her son, "Ok, 14. I don't know if I can be a true mother to a teenager, but I would like to get know you and become a part of your life."
"How will we explain my arrival, you and dad are easy grandma you just took control of your younger selves. There was no version of me."
Harry finally got up still nursing his manhood, "I thought that we could say you're my brother, born in June of 1981. We say Andromeda was your godmother and to get away from my fame you were raised by her, and home schooled, due to you being a metamorph like your mother."
Ted and Andromeda looked at each other and nodded, "That could work, we were friends of the Potters it wouldn't be inconceivable. We can also get the three of us registered with the Unspeakables, so we are in the clear for the time travel. Trust me my boss is a stickler for time matters, since we were sent back by death it should qualify as being allowed. Even the Unspeakables don't mess with some things."
"Wait, you're an Unspeakable?" Andromeda nodded her head at her daughters' words.
"Wow, really Dromeda? Your boss is going to be pissed." Ted shook his head at his wife's admission.
"He can deal with it, besides I retired after you and Nymphadora died. I will be retiring again after we settle this, I haven't worked as an Unspeakable for over 15 years."
"You really think Croaker will be ok with us being time travels mum, he never seemed the friendly sort." Harry questioned; his boss could be an ass. Best to not let the family know his occupation, outside Andromeda of course since she recommended him.
Andromeda smirked, "He doesn't need to be friendly to get the job done, he believes being nice makes you weak. Really though he's a big softy at heart."
Harry just looked at her incredulously, causing her to laugh.
"I don't think I want to know or meet this guy. Just judging by your words, he sounds…. complicated." Tonks said.
"Dad, what's my new name going to be?" Teddy was curious, since he would be his father's brother now. Merlin his family was getting weird.
Running his hand through his hair he addressed his son, "Lets mostly keep the same, I know you kept your name in our time period to avoid being looked at as Harry Potters son, sorry kid that isn't going to fly here though." Pausing to look at his son to see if he was offended by his words, not seeing any reaction he continued. "So, lets go with Edward Sirius Potter. That way you can still go by Teddy for short."
"I've been wanting to go by Potter since I was 8." Teddy grumbled.
Harry looked at his son concerned, "Why didn't you ever tell me, I thought you wanted to keep your biological father's surname, so I didn't push you."
Teddy looked away avoiding his families' gazes. This prompted Harry to go to his son and wrap him in a hug. "Come on son what's wrong, you can tell me."
The dam broke as Teddy started sobbing into his father's arms. Andromeda looked on in concern, what had happened that caused him to break down. Tonks and Ted just looked on unsure how to act towards their newest family member.
After 5 minutes of holding his son, Harry was starting to get worried, his train of thought was the same as Andromeda.
He pulled away and addressed his son, "What happened when you were 8."
Teddy hiccupped, "I w-went into y-y-your study and f-found the stone."
Harry stiffened, "You talked to your father didn't you."
Teddy nodded looking down to avoid his dad's gaze.
Harry lifted his son's face to look into his eyes, Teddy looked afraid and helpless. It was an expression he never wanted to see adorn his son's face ever again.
Gritting his teeth, he asked the question he didn't want to know the answer to, "What did he say to you."
Teddy broke at his dads look, he let the words imparted to him by his biological father flow out, for 6 years they had festered making him feel like he would never be enough. "He said that he never loved mum, he cared about her, but he was just tired of being alone. He said he made a mistake, that I shouldn't have been conceived."
He paused at the look of rage on his father's face, but his father ushered him to continue, "I don't think that he hated me, he just never wanted kids."
Tonks enraged that a man a future version of her wasted her time on exploded, "THEN HE SHOULD CUT HIS DICK OFF, IF YOU DON'T WANT KIDS DON'T USE IT."
Every man in the room cringed at her words instinctively.
Harry sighed he now realized why his son was afraid of asking for his surname, "You thought I would reject you didn't you."
Teddy looked away as realization dawned on Andromeda's face.
Grabbing his son's shoulders, "Look at me." His son did as he asked, "I don't care what that piece of crap said, YOU ARE MY SON, and you always will be. Until my final breath leaves me, I will do everything I can to make sure you are happy and safe."
He paused hoping to get his message across, missing the look Tonks was giving him. If he would have noticed, he would have seen the sparks of the love that would dominate his life for the rest of his days.
"You have been a Potter since the first day I held you, my entire purpose in life changed that minute. Before that day it was all about surviving, then it was all about giving you the best life possible. I'm sorry I failed you, if it wasn't for me uniting those cursed objects you would still be safe and happy."
Teddy went to interrupt only to be silenced as his father continued, "I don't care if I have to cheat death itself, you will live until your old and gray surrounded by family as you pass. I would kill Voldemort a million times if that was needed to keep you safe and happy."
Teddy hugged his father, the emotions he had allowed to build in him since he was 8 were finally released. He had a father that loved him and would do anything for him, even march through the gates of hell. Who cared if Remus was technically his blood, he wasn't his dad. That role had been filled by Harry Potter since the moment he saw him, and Teddy had no doubt that it would continue until the day he passed on to his next adventure as his father always said.
Andromeda watched on as her family was finally whole. The past 24 hours had been a whirlwind, she woke up next to the love of her life, something that she never thought would happen again. She had her daughter back, she had her son, and she had her wonderful grandson.
Seeing Nymphadora again started to repair the cracks in her heart, maybe she would eventually be whole just as her family now was. Hopefully this time she and Ted would be able to be surrounded by their grandkids that she hoped Harry and Nymphadora produced. Either through each other or their own respected spouses. All she cared about was that they both were safe and happy, even if her wishes were for them to be happy together.
Ted started the day confused, then the day turned weird. Time Travel was something he never thought he would ever have to deal with. He was grateful though, if not for this event, then his daughter and him would still be dead to his wife and grandkid.
He wasn't sure what to make of Harry Potter, but he saw the look his wife gave him and realized that he was the son that he and his wife had never been able to have. He only hoped that eventually he would be able to have the same type of relationship with the man.
Nymphadora had been through much in her life, from assholes treating her like a whore to the occasional murder attempt on her in her line of work. She was unprepared to deal with a teenage son, but she was grateful she would at least be alive to be there for him now.
She now despised Remus with her whole being, if even only a fraction of the future she heard was true then being with him would not only ruin her but potentially her family. How could future her be so enamored with him that she would lose everything for somebody that never loved her. She had craved love beyond anything else ever since she realized people would try to use her for her abilities.
A duplicate Teddy wouldn't be born in this new timeline as far as she was concerned. If she had children, they would have a different father. Technically she could already be pregnant, she was a fool to not do the contraceptive charm. She had trusted an idiot to have safe sex with, though she didn't really fault him, time travel made things weird and not remembering you weren't sterile anymore would be the last thing on his mind.
She could admit fully to being attracted to Harry Potter, even if he was technically 15, or was he 32. It was hard to remember that he was in an aged body even if his mind was 32. She was in the clear legally since wizards were technically at the age of consent at 13. Stupid age laws that hadn't been updated since the 15th century.
In her modest opinion Harry Potter had a spark that she was eager to explore. There was just something about him that made her want to get to know him, it helped that he raised her kid so well. Seeing how he treated someone he wasn't even related to opened her eyes to the reality of how great he was.
Unlike with Remus though she didn't need to change him, he already was a confident young man who had confidence in spades. She could just love him, and she was sure he would be able to do the same without the self-hatred that the wolf held. Not that she loved him yet, great sex did not make for love. Though it was a good start in her opinion.
What she never saw with Remus was a future, passion sure, but not a future. With Harry, she could see them growing old surrounded by kids, maybe it was because he raised her son into what looked like a fine young man. The love he showed her son made her attraction to the emerald eyed warrior even more intense.
What she saw the most though was hope, hope for a life of love, hope for a life with a wonderful family. But most of all though was hope to not be alone, to have a companion that would do everything to be the best partner possible. Hope was what she had now, hope for the future.
This is my take on a somewhat humorous Harry Potter story. Like the Vegas challenge story it will not be updated for a while. Just releasing it now to get peoples thoughts. Actual thoughts/criticisms not this is trash reviews. IF you hate it I'm sorry, but tell me what to do to make it better when I do continue it.
This Harry is very jaded and uses humor to deflect from his own pain. He has tricked himself when in the presence of those he distrusts to think and act like he's a child. With his family he loses his barriers.
Instinctively he already considers Tonks family, because he raised her kid.
As most of you can tell I don't like Remus. I find him to be a coward and a piece of trash for abandoning Harry when he was growing up.
The formatting of this story is odd, I originally wrote the first chapter in the first person but then changed it due to it not fitting chapter 2. I might have left some behind, I did try to edit it but I might have missed a few.