Chapter 8: Hope

Rin Nohara's grave had heard many confessions over the years, but this one was particularly interesting.

"Hi Rin. This is a little awkward, perhaps more for me than for you. I'd like to ask your permission though…"

A pause.

"Perhaps permission is the wrong word. I just don't want you to feel that I'm dishonoring your memory. It's been so long, and you're there, and we're here…"

A big sigh.

"I'm really butchering this, aren't I?"

"What are you doing, Seika?"

The girl jumped at Kakashi's voice. "Um…" she said hesitantly, looking back down at Rin's engraved name.

"Are you asking for her permission to date me?"

Seika's cheeks turned that wonderful shade of pink that Kakashi loved.

"I…I just wanted her to know what my intentions were," she said. "And I hoped she'd be okay with that."

Kakashi started laughing. He thought this sentiment was rather cute. "You don't need her permission. I know she's happy. Besides, she's not alone. She has Obito now. Come on. You're late for your own funeral."

"I'm late? Aren't you giving the eulogy?"

Kakashi was dressed in his Hokage robes, wearing all black underneath. Similarly, Seika was head-to-toe in black. They were in the graveyard, ready to attend Wolf's funeral.

"No," he said. "I'm not the best at public speaking. I asked Tsunade to do it. She knew you in that capacity longer, anyway."

"That's too bad," Seika mused, "I was wondering what you'd have to say about me."

They walked side-by-side towards a gathering of people. Tsunade was still speaking when they joined the crowd, and she gave the two of them a quick look of utter annoyance. Kakashi just shrugged at her, and Seika tried to hide a smile.

The gathering was small, as she'd expected it to be, but she was surprised to see a number of the Anbu present, including Panther, Monkey, and Egret. Her final mission with them had changed their perspective about Wolf, but she still had not anticipated that so many of the others would come to pay their respects. For a moment, she felt gratitude to be alive and experiencing this…to know that her time as Wolf had ultimately been met with honor.

When the funeral was over, Tsunade came up to her. "You'll pick up bad habits if you keep spending time with Kakashi," she said, crossing her arms. "I said a lot of nice things about you that you missed."

"Sorry," she said, giving Tsunade an apologetic smile. "It's a little odd paying respects to a part of you that doesn't feel dead yet."

"Yes, I suppose you're excused, but he's certainly not," Tsunade replied, eyeing Kakashi. He was away from the mingling group, standing out of earshot at Wolf's headstone.

"You two have been spending a lot of time together recently."

Seika blushed. "Well, I've been helping him with other tasks around the village."

"And here I thought you disliked him."

"If I remember correctly, you're the one who told me to give him a chance."

"Yes, but I didn't mean like that. What happened to the photographer?"

"Sukea? He finished his album and left town…I'm not sure when he'll be back."

"So quickly. And he didn't tell you anything before he left?"

"No," Seika said, shaking her head.

"What a shame. I quite enjoyed him. If he doesn't come back soon he might not have another chance."

Seika followed Tsunade's line of sight and found Kakashi looking at her. She lowered her eyes, blushing under the Hokage gaze.

"You don't seem sad about Sukea," Tsunade surmised. "I thought you two were close."

"We still are," Seika told her nonchalantly.

Kakashi began walking towards them. "Just be careful," Tsunade warned. "I've never known Kakashi to pursue a woman, which is honestly odd given his obsession with those Icha Icha books."

"Hmm…" Seika agreed, deep in thought. Maybe I should read those books… "I'll be careful," she said with a smile.

"Did I hear you say Icha Icha Paradise?" Kakashi asked Tsunade, a hint of mischief in his eyes. "Now that I think of it, one of the characters in the series is just like you. She gambles and enjoys all manner of other secret perversions."

"Oh, I've read them," Tsunade said with a flip of her head. "I know exactly what Jiraiya thought of me."

"Really? Because chapter seven of Tactics had that scene, you know the one where your character is on her knees–"

"Not everything you read is true," Tsunade said shortly, and with a decided "hmph," she walked away.

Kakashi turned toward Seika and gave her a mischievous wink. "That's the easiest way to get rid of Tsunade."

Seika shook her head in disbelief. "Sukea would have never."

"The only difference between me and Sukea is that he just never read those books in public."

Seika smiled to herself. Maybe I'll borrow Kakashi's copy…

They began walking back towards the village.

"You're still coming tonight?" Kakashi asked.

Seika nodded. With Wolf's funeral out of the way, the two of them finally had time to spare, and tonight would mark their first official 'date', although neither had fully admitted to using that term yet. Seika felt a nervous anticipation. Thanks to their deception, both she and Kakashi were in an odd state of knowing one another deeply and yet feeling like they didn't know each other at all. She wasn't sure what the night would bring.

Kakashi was in his quarters cooking dinner when he heard a familiar trio of 'raps' at his window.

"You know, it's easier to walk through the front door," he said as Seika swung her way into his home.

"You have guards out front. I don't need them to know that I'm here."

That sent a pleasant sensation through Kakashi's body.

"Dinner is almost ready," he told her, heading back to the stove where he was cooking fresh caught fish and frying vegetables.

"It smells delicious," she said, following him and peering over his shoulder. "Is that amago?"

"You know your fish," he chuckled. Yet another reason to like this woman.

"I did grow up in the Land of Water," she replied with a grin. "Although I'm more familiar with saltwater varieties." She observed his technique for a moment, eyeing the other ingredients on the counter. "I didn't know you could cook so well."

"It's a hobby I picked up after my father died."

Seika made herself comfortable at his table, watching him. He was wearing a form fitting sleeveless black shirt as he cooked, a blue towel thrown over one shoulder. Her eyes were drawn to his Anbu tattoo, one that matched hers, and she noticed well-defined muscles in his shoulders and arms. She liked what she saw. She never admitted it before, but Kakashi was a very physically attractive man.

"Your father…" she said distractedly, "the White Fang? Is he who you referred to when you told me about Sukea's father?"

Kakashi flipped the fish in the pan. It sizzled as the second side touched the hot oil. "Yes. Most everything you learned about Sukea's past is true…it's just my past."

"Hmm…you lied to me though, about the photographs in your desk."

Kakashi sighed, tilting the pan to distribute the oil. "I didn't lie. The photos were in Sukea's desk."

"Sure…" Seika said sarcastically. "What else was a lie?" she asked, using air quotes around her last word.

"Originally there was no photo album," Kakashi admitted. "I used that excuse to placate Wolf…when Wolf found my photos of…you." She could tell he was struggling to figure out how to refer to her two identities.

He plated the fish and couldn't help but ask: "What did you think when you found those photos in my desk?"

"Honestly? I was pretty repulsed. I thought you were the biggest pervert I'd ever met, and I definitely didn't want to have a conversation with you that day."

Kakashi turned red. "What do you think now?"

"I still think you're a bit of a pervert…but the photos…" she thought of her own photo of Sukea, still on the wall next to her desk, "…I think it's sweet."

"You do, do you?" he asked, bringing the food to the table and handing her a pair of chopsticks. "Dig in."

Seika and Kakashi traded stories of their first opinions of one another, covering all identities. There was no shortage of laughter at their initial misconceptions, and it made Seika feel at ease in his presence. It was a satisfying meal.

After they cleaned up the dishes together, Kakashi poured a couple glasses of wine, and simply requested, "Tell me more about your childhood in Kirigakure."

Seika frowned and looked down into the deep red color of her glass. There was much he didn't yet know about her, details she had never given to him or to Sukea. She thought about his responses to her questions back in the glen:

'What would it mean, for us? It couldn't be the same.'

'No. It would be something new.'

'Is that what you want?'

'Yes.'

This was indeed something new. She met Kakashi's eyes, and decided to put faith in his words.

She started with her first memory…her parents dancing with wind and water. It was her only memory of them. The caste system in Kirigakure ultimately led to her parents' deaths, but the way they manipulated their elemental ninjutsu to create something beautiful would stay with her for the rest of her life. Orphaned and part of the third caste, she was abandoned, until at seven years old she demonstrated early promise with uncanny control over the two nature elements, gaining her unlikely admittance to the Academy. Zabuza, already an Anbu at age twelve, visited the Academy and saw her potential. He became her mentor, rescuing her from an otherwise ill fate had she graduated and remained in the third caste. This period of her life was generally a happy one, her young age protecting her for a time from the realities of the bloody mist.

She described watching Zabuza turn from a world-weary, tall and lanky teenager into a remorseless seasoned shinobi, and about his pride when he earned his place as one of Kiri's seven swordsmen. He was an eloquent leader, and as she grew up, she was attracted to the command and respect the other swordsmen gave him. She felt proud to be fighting by his side, that he had chosen her to train out of all the others at the Academy. Eventually though, shadows settled in.

As she completed more and more missions with Zabuza, they saw how their actions led to wars that were started, fought and fed through the direction of the Mizukage. She and Zabuza were but two pawns used by the village, and they grew disillusioned with their positions. The other swordsmen also grew discontent with the way the village operated, and they began to rebel, either defecting or being killed. The seeds for the coup d'etat were planted then.

When Zabuza found Haku and realized the potential of his kekkei genkai, those seeds sprouted, and Zabuza dedicated much time to training the boy. Haku and Seika also grew close, bonded by their shared love and dedication for the Demon of the Hidden Mist. Both of them were tools that Zabuza used, Haku for his ice release, and Seika for her ability to control blood like water. What Zabuza saw as usefulness, however, Seika mistook for care.

By the time she was seventeen, her heart had been fully captured by this Demon, locked in place by the desire to see more of the small, rare kindnesses he extended to her when they were alone. His heart, however, had grown harder and colder the more he witnessed the Fourth Mizukage's embrace of the caste system and destruction of the village, and he treated his own followers as a means to an end. Oh how he dreamt of that end.

She described how she was able to gain admittance into the Mizukage's circle, serving him and spying on him for two long years up until the coup. This period was a hard one for her. She never questioned her loyalty to Zabuza, but she began to question his loyalty to her.

She and a few others, including Mei Terumī, sought another way to remove Yagura from power, because they sensed that some far greater evil was at play. Zabuza would not listen to reason, blinded by his rage against the village. It was understandable…his rage was stoked by his own deep pain that he had carried since childhood. A pain that was built on the belief that he had to cause harm to stop harm, so long as the result was peace.

Kakashi broke in now. "His massacre of the entire Academy class…"

Seika nodded, confirming his suspicion. "Yes. As I understand it, his child's mind was incensed by the practice, and in a fit of rage he killed them all so they would stop killing each other. His inadvertent success in ending the Academy's practice supported the method, and he clung to it throughout his life. However, I think he shattered his own soul in the process."

She described in excruciating detail how she betrayed Zabuza in order to protect him. His decision to spare her life gave her hope that he hadn't totally lost his own humanity. In the aftermath of the coup attempt, she also became a target of Yagura's, and she escaped from Kiri, becoming yet another of the village's endless trove of missing-nin. Initially, she tried to track Zabuza and Haku, but then she learned that they had died.

Seika came to Konoha seeking refuge after that. She admitted now the real reason why she chose this village: She followed Kakashi and Team Seven, not knowing what else to do in her heartbreak, anger, and confusion. She was drawn by a tiny bit of curiosity about who, exactly, had killed Zabuza, but her anger raged when she realized the team consisted of a bunch of kids: an idiot, a loner, and a brat. That Zabuza had been felled by these three children was an outrage to her, and she only blamed herself for pushing him down that path. In reality, she knew based on skill alone that it had to be Kakashi who really brought down Zabuza, and her hatred of him deepened simultaneously with her hatred for herself.

Her ticket into the Leaf was her deep knowledge of Yagura, and she shared this willingly with Hiruzen in exchange for a new place to call home. Later, when Mei became the Fifth Mizukage, Seika was pardoned. Instead of returning to her birth village, however, she requested continued refuge in Konoha, unable to fathom residing in Kiri without Zabuza and Haku. She was granted this, so long as she became an ambassador between the two villages.

Seika did her job and did her job well, helping Mei to initially reform many of Kiri's practices, including putting an end to the caste system. Over time, however, her role shifted. Both Kiri and Konoha were invested in understanding the reach of the Akatsuki. She became a hunter-nin, chasing down missing-nin from Kiri, extracting information, and assassinating them. This work was similar to how she would help Tsunade after the war.

Throughout all of this, still reeling from the loss of Zabuza and Haku, she was an easy target for Root. The organization promised help in her duties as liaison between the two villages, but ultimately, Danzō manipulated her, desiring to gain a larger hold in Kirigakure. This manipulation led her to perfect her water and blood technique, a jutsu that wreaked havoc on many. The extent of her terror was a part of the story even Tsunade did not know. Each death through this method tore her apart just a little further.

Seika was pushed to the brink when she realized the lie she had fallen into with Root, but Tsunade pulled her back, rescuing Seika from losing herself even further. She became indebted to the Fifth Hokage, and was appointed as Tsunade's spy soon after.

Seika spared no detail, because she needed Kakashi to understand just how far her darkness went.

When she finished her story, they sat in silence together. Kakashi considered that he had been wrong once again about Seika. While she had, on the outside, accomplished much in her short lifetime that was deserving of great accolades, Wolf better reflected the jagged pieces within her, destroyed slowly over time by loss and lies. It was a wonder she hadn't become numb in response, as many other shinobi did. Something in her was clinging to light and life.

Kakashi knew that Seika believed everyone contained the propensity for goodness, but her burden of grief kept her from seeing it in herself. She was not yet free from under that great weight.

She must have loved Zabuza fiercely. The ways of grief were a mystery he did not yet understand, despite his own experience. It had a way of touching everyone differently, ebbing and flowing throughout a lifetime, but never lessening its grasp on the heart and the mind. It had a way of being ripped open, feeling just as fresh as the day it was birthed, even if years had passed. In that sense, grief did not know time.

Kakashi was mulling these things over when he brought his glass to his lips and drained the last of his wine. He lifted his hand to replace his mask.

"Don't," she said, reaching her hand out. They both paused mid-gesture, and then her fingertips gently tugged his mask beneath his chin. She lightly brushed his beauty mark. Not a trace of stubble…she wondered if he naturally had no facial hair or if wearing that mask all these years meant that he had stunted any possible growth.

"I like your face," she said quietly. She ran a finger along the scar below his eye. "It has a story to tell, just like mine."

He took her hand in his. He hesitated for a brief moment, and then reluctantly asked, "Do you want to hear it?"

Seika nodded, thankful for this offer. Meeting her vulnerability with his own made her feel less exposed.

Kakashi sighed and stood up, pulling a bottle of whiskey from the shelf. Unlike her, he needed something a little stronger than red wine if he was going to bare himself like this. He offered her a glass, which she gratefully accepted.

Over the next couple of drinks, Kakashi introduced her to Obito and Rin, much as she had better acquainted him with Zabuza. He told her about his obsession with control, the loss of his eye, Obito's death, his sharingan, Rin's death by his own hand…his own period of darkness as part of the Anbu black ops… How he felt when Hiruzen Sarutobi eventually released him from service, and what he learned through coaching Team Seven.

He detailed that first meeting with Zabuza for her sake, and told her everything about how the ninja met his end. While Kakashi spoke, Seika didn't meet his eyes and only stared into her glass.

Kakashi then told her everything he experienced up to the war, including the realization that Obito was alive. He shared what he knew of Obito's life as well, details of his manipulation of Yagura.

As he shared these things, he couldn't help but feel heavy knowing that his own actions, unintentional as they were - Rin's death and setting Obito's course - had such deep ramifications for Seika. He recalled Wolf's words that one never knew how far the reverberations of their actions extended. How true that was.

Never had he shared this story so comprehensively with someone living before…only Rin's grave knew the truth…but he didn't want to hide anything from Seika, not after hiding his identity for so long.

It was late when he was done, and she didn't speak for a while. Her brow was furrowed. She looked burdened by her thoughts, and he desperately wanted to know what was passing through the recesses of her mind.

"Kakashi…" she said, her voice breaking. She felt so stupid and guilty. He had seen so much suffering within his relatively short lifetime, and he, too, carried the lives of his friends as a heavy burden. Had she fallen onto Zabuza's blade, he would have carried her death with him, just like he carried Rin's. That was guilt she should never have tried to place upon him. "How can you invite me into your home after what I tried to do?"

He understood what she was saying, and his eyes widened in surprise. Out of all the things he had shared, this was her first concern? "The same reason you still came tonight after knowing that I had a hand in killing Zabuza," he told her. "The pain we carry can drive us to do unimaginable things, but those things don't have to define us."

"I don't understand how you have so much hope," she said quietly, shaking her head. She felt like a misfit next to him. "You seem to have healed so well."

"I don't know if I'd say that I've healed," he said, leaning back on his hands and looking upward in thought. How do I explain it to her? Indeed, how could he describe his own process of coping with grief?

"It's like kintsugi," he started. "Our hearts and souls get fractured, and those fractures don't ever truly disappear. You can try to fix it in many ways…some people try to push pieces back together, but they don't ever really fit, or they break even further. Some people try to forget the fractures are there, but that's equally dangerous, because even if your mind forgets, your body remembers its trauma.

"I tried both of those methods in my teens and early twenties. Neither of them worked and only caused more damage. Eventually though, I learned that the fractures can be treated. I've experienced more than my fair share of suffering, but I've also been extended friendship, forgiveness, and love from this village and the people in it. I had to learn how to accept forgiveness and forgive myself. In this kind of community, the marks of our suffering and our grief don't go away, but they can be turned into something beautiful. Our scars, both inside and out, can be just like kintsugi."

"That's something Sukea would say," she said thoughtfully, reflecting on his words for a long time. Her face was impassive, and he could not tell what she was thinking.

In her own mind, Seika was mulling over whether she agreed with Kakashi about kintsugi and the human soul. Her wounds ran deep, but so did Kakashi's. He, just like her, had visible reminders on his body of the pain held within, but he was telling her that it didn't always have to be so painful. He was telling her that there was another alternative. She could heal. It wouldn't be a quick process, but Kakashi seemed keen on walking through it with her. He seemed to think that, like kintsugi, her marks of past pain made her more beautiful.

It takes a special kind of person to think such a thing, she considered. At this thought, at the realization that Kakashi found her worth pursuing despite who she was and her past, a kind of weariness and reluctance overtook her. She thought about the years she spent trying to escape from her own depression and self-hatred, the years spent trying to escape from what she had done to Zabuza. Her life was marred by his death. It would be hard to move on. Hard to accept the care and attention that the process of kintsugi required.

In the midst of this dysphoric reverie, Seika had another funny realization about Kakashi. She smiled to herself as if hiding a secret. "That's why you read those books, isn't it?" she asked.

"What?" This question baffled Kakashi.

"Drawing, and watching people…recording stories…that's how I do it."

Kakashi had absolutely no idea what she was referring to. "What are you talking about?"

"Escape. It's how I escape myself." She paused. "I spend time watching other people and getting lost in their lives, dreaming about their happy endings, so I don't have to focus on my own life. When I'm by myself, I draw them…it helps time pass and shrink the periods of loneliness. I just wondered if maybe those books were your way of escaping reality."

Kakashi frowned at this observation. The first book in the Icha Icha series came out when he was nineteen, when he was deep in the throes of the Anbu black ops. He liked the first one, but the series didn't become an obsession for him until a couple years later…after Itachi wiped out the Uchiha clan.

Damn… She was right. Part of the reason why he read and reread those books was because they brought him momentarily out of his own despair and into another world…a much, much happier world.

Guilt from his mistakes had long kept him from relationships. Every time a woman showed interest in him, shame at being unable to protect Rin and keep his promise to Obito reared its ugly head, and so he avoided women altogether and instead found solace in his books. That is, until recently. He did not feel the same shame when he was with Seika, and he briefly wondered if that was because he had finally let go of his guilt when he reconciled with Obito. Perhaps his own soul had been repaired enough to be offered to someone else.

For her, it seemed, the way she coped was living through other people's lives.

"Do you ever dream about your own happy ending?" he asked, trying to pivot her perceptive mind away from his own psychology. She saw things about him that he hadn't taken the time to realize.

Seika grew quiet and introspective. "I always dreamed about dying and finding Zabuza and Haku. But…" she trailed off.

"But…?" Kakashi prompted.

"But then I met Sukea," she said wistfully.

"What did you like so much about him?" Kakashi wondered. In his own mind, he and Sukea were the same, and he was still curious why she liked the one and disliked the other.

"Sukea? His thoughtfulness. How he took the time to know me and the other villagers, to ask questions, and to share his own experience. He was vulnerable with me, and he felt safe. It helped that I found him very handsome."

Kakashi smiled. "And what did you dislike about me?"

Seika gulped. "Well…in contrast…I could hardly consider you 'safe.' You ignored me, and your general indifference turned me off. You treated Wolf differently, though. I thought the difference was because Wolf was an Anbu…but now I know better."

Kakashi thought about that, because he knew there was truth in the way she experienced him. The fact was, Sukea was his heart, and Kakashi his shell. It was much easier as Kakashi to feign disinterest, but the care that he was able to outwardly exhibit as Sukea was always present within him.

"What do you think now?" he asked.

In response, Seika just lifted her eyes to his, holding his gaze for a long time. Kakashi waited patiently.

"It's like Sukea's hidden identity is the Hokage, not the other way around," she finally said. At that moment, she understood how easy it would be to love Kakashi, because she already loved Sukea. A feeling very like betrayal pierced its way through her, and she turned her face away.

Kakashi himself shifted uncomfortably. Seika's blue eyes saw deep into his inner being. Her perception, thoughtfulness, and observation combined with a strong intellect saw right through him, straight to his core. Despite his disguises, she had found out who he truly was.

Perhaps I didn't disguise myself very well. At least…not my heart. As Sukea, he had chosen to reveal certain details to Seika, and as Kakashi, he had openly given information about himself to Wolf. With his identities merged, her own intuition had done the rest. He desired her affection, but he was also terrified of someone seeing how far his own weaknesses extended, of seeing his greatest vulnerabilities. She now saw it all.

"It's been a long day," he said, feeling that he had been dissected enough for one night. "We should get some rest."

Seika glanced at the clock. "I didn't realize how late it was…" she muttered sullenly, feeling a subtle indignation at the passing of time.

Kakashi took a chance. "Do you want to stay?" he asked.

She frowned, looking out the window and into the darkness, losing track of her thoughts.

"Seika?" he asked when she didn't answer him.

"Not tonight," she said with an eerie hollowness in her voice. "Thank you, Kakashi."

Kakashi's eyes softened, and he kissed her forehead before pulling up his mask. She accepted this gesture willingly, and yet he felt unsettled after she left, ill-at-ease with how the evening ended.

A/N: Happy New Year, everyone! Hope you enjoyed hearing a little more about Seika's history. I've been having fun exploring Kakashi's heart as well.

As always, if you're willing to share your thoughts, let me know what you think! Follows and favorites are all VERY appreciated, but I love reading your feedback!

I'll also share...I've always had this weird soft spot for Zabuza. In my head he's a three-dimensional character with his own traumatic past that helps make sense of his harsh worldview. Maybe one day I'll write a prequel of sorts exploring all the aspects of Seika's history with him that incorporates more Hidden Mist history and worldbuilding, but right now I'm just afraid it'll be a mess to write out in a way that fits with canon. Digging into Kishimoto's timeline is *ahem* challenging, and there are aspects I don't know how to approach yet. Anyway, hopefully what I'm presenting in this story is enough to understand his impact on Seika and her trajectory.