Not for the first time, Aftran wished she had control of her morphed body. Not that it mattered, practically speaking, as Cassie's emotions seemed to mirror her own. She could feel her throat felt tighten, and Cassie was taking deep breaths as she fought back tears. Based on the dryness of her face, Cassie's attempts at self control were successful.
(Cassie?) she asked, after waiting a few minutes. She could hear how quiet her voice sounded, how uncertain.
Cassie didn't respond to her, or at least, not in words. She could feel Cassie's anger at her, and worse, her complete disappointment in her. Her...disgust.
Aftran knew that she deserved it.
Still, after another full minute of sitting inside her head, watching as Cassie fixed her eyes on the wall in front of them, Aftran had expected the memories of Karen to start. Unless, perhaps, Cassie had changed her mind? Had decided not to go further with this, and send Aftran off to someone else?
She could, Aftran knew. Cassie would be well within her rights to do so. Moreover, Aftran imagined that this would make Cassie think long and hard about whether or not she wanted to be a host to Aftran, after all of this.
Which she had already suspected. But, she hadn't been willing to hide anything from Cassie, just to make life easier on both of them.
This lack of communication from her...especially her as a Yeerk...was certainly unsettling.
It reminded her of all the times she had not communicated with her previous hosts.
(Cassie?) she tried again. (Please. Say something.)
She felt Cassie attempt to close herself off to her. A difficult task even for a Yeerk used to infestation, but for someone with as little experience as Cassie...
(I need a minute,) Cassie answered. Not harshly, but not kindly, either.
Aftran gave a mental nod and refrained from addressing any more thoughts towards Cassie.
Cassie could, after all, hear all her thoughts without Aftran directing them towards her, anyway.
Cassie looked up at the same man who had given Aftran the clothes. Aftran wondered what his name was.
"Bill? What time is it?" she asked.
He glanced at his watch. "2:20," he said. Then nodded at the clock on the wall. "I hear that works," he added, smiling.
Cassie managed a laugh. "Right."
Aftran was disappointed to discover that not much time had passed, and she suspected she was not the only one with that reaction.
They were nearing the midpoint of her memories, to her recollection. Would Cassie go back and play them again once she was finished?
(Aftran. Let's...take a break from the memories,) Cassie said, taking a deep breath. (I need to...)
She didn't finish.
(To process what you just saw?) Aftran asked, her voice quiet. Hardly more than a whisper.
Cassie nodded, visibly, and took several deep breaths. It was clear that she was attempting to remain calm.
Waves of guilt filled Aftran. She hadn't quite blocked out the memory of what she had done to Het, but she certainly had tried not to dwell on it since she had-well, since she had broken him. It was true that how she'd treated Het had been entirely in line with her training as a Yeerk soldier, but even back then, she had felt ashamed about doing so. Even worse about the outcome.
Even if she wouldn't admit to herself-then-that it was torture.
(It is,) Cassie told now her, firmly. (You broke a defenseless Hork-Bajir. He was already a slave in his body, Aftran. His only crime, as your people would call it, was screaming at you and fighting for control. How did you think he was going to react? He was a prisoner in his own body. He was completely helpless. You couldn't even let him have-that.)
Aftran sighed inwardly-because it was the only way she could do so. Cassie's control over her body was absolute. Not that she would want Cassie to release any to her. Not now, especially.
She could have shouted at Cassie, tried to justify herself. Say that she had only been doing what she had been told to do, that she couldn't have her host fighting her for control and screaming at her while she was in battle, or guarding Visser Three. It might all be true, but she recognized now that they were only excuses.
Even if she hadn't the insight to be kind to Het, which would have gotten her the result she wanted-most likely-she could have ignored her sub-visser. Or, at the very least, limited herself to what she had been doing before.
Not that she had been treating him much more kindly before torturing him with the intent of silencing him.
Breaking him.
(I know,) she said now, quietly, wishing she could look away. (I know, Cassie,) she repeated, almost in a whimper.
Cassie's emotions, as far as Aftran could tell, were conflicted. Disgust, partly at Aftran, but mainly at the empire. There was a small amount of pity, but Aftran imagined that that was directed more towards Het than at her. Most surprising, though, was a small, yet distinct, sense of wonder. Even a little respect.
(Yeah. I respect you,) Cassie told Aftran, her own voice quiet. (Now, anyway. Not for who you were back then, Aftran.)
(But...why?) she asked, perplexed.
(Well, you did make the choice to let see all of this,) Cassie told her. (When you could have invoked your...status in the Peace Movement as a reason to keep me out of her mind.)
(I didn't want to do that. You know, especially now, that I don't deserve any special treatment. Any exemptions.)
Cassie laughed. (You did almost die for us, back then. So...you changed. Even back then. I mean, that was the only time, right? You didn't hurt Karen like that?)
(Not like that,) Aftran allowed. (I hurt her in other ways. Not intentionally...I mean...I took away her freedom by infesting her, and I could have been much more gentle with her. But I never tortured her,) Aftran affirmed.
Before realizing that Cassie could see everything she was thinking.
Because, for the next hour and a half, Aftran remained a host body and Cassie her Yeerk.
Aftran felt Cassie shook her head. (Like I said. You changed. I trust you not to hurt me. I trusted you before, of course...)
(I shouldn't have had to make offers suffer before I learned...not to,) Aftran admitted.
(No,) Cassie agreed.
After all, no matter who she tried to blame for her actions, it had been she who had made the ultimate decision. Every time she disciplined-no, tortured-Het, well, that had been her choice. Nor could she entirely blame it on her sub-visser. She'd known, even back then, that for all the teaching about hosts as mere bodies and the necessity to control them, Yeerks always had the upper hand. Even the lowest ranking Yeerk could control their host, most of the time, with hardly any effort on their part. It had been how their bodies had evolved.
Therefore, failure to discipline an unruly host was far from a capital offense. She could have ignored the sub-visser's advice. Why, she could have even limited the abuse to "only" an hour, once. Instead, Aftran had gone through with the order and broken her host. And, instead of trying to repair the damage she had caused, she volunteered to infest a small human as a way to escape the results of what she had done.
In the end, Aftran had realized that she would have preferred the fighting and the screaming to the silence she had caused.
Cassie, of course, heard all of these thoughts.
(You wouldn't do it now,) Cassie said, and Aftran was aware of her crossing her arms in front of her chest.
It wasn't a question, exactly, but it wasn't definitive enough to be a statement.
Had Aftran been the Yeerk and Cassie the host, she would have been able to tell exactly what Cassie meant. She could only guess at it.
But, she knew the human's mind well enough to be fairly sure at the meaning. Cassie was afraid of what else she would see in Aftran's mind, especially regarding Karen, but she was also slightly more hesitant about allowing Aftran into her own head.
(I would never that to you, Cassie,) Aftran promised. (I would die, first.)
Cassie managed a laugh. (Well, the empire's long gone, so I don't think there's anyone out there who would kill you for that.)
(Thank the Kandrona for that,) Aftran replied, meaning it.
(The Animorphs,) Cassie corrected, gently.
(Yes,) Aftran amended, sincerely.
There was a pause before Cassie spoke again. (If it hadn't been me. If Bill or someone else had infested you and seen this...)
Aftran gave a mental shrug, wishing she could close her eyes. Or, look at the floor. Cassie did neither. (I don't have numbers of that, Cassie. I don't imagine that anyone really does, except for those who did it. What I know is that host torture, or host discipline, was extremely common during the war. Maybe not to the extent of breaking hosts, but certainly as a way of punishing bad behavior. I even knew a few Yeerks who had voluntary hosts-humans-and they would tell them from the beginning what they could expect if they got any ideas of rebelling. As you saw from my memories, some Yeerks even did it on Gedds, and most of them were voluntary hosts. If somewhat apprehensive, at first,) she amended. (I'm not justifying myself, Cassie, and I'm not making excuses. To answer your question, though...they probably would have encountered this before. More often than not. It was...)
Aftran stopped speaking, at least to Cassie. But Cassie could hear what went unsaid, and she gave a voice to it.
(The culture. The empire. You were all soldiers, fighting a common enemy. You couldn't afford a host rebellion, and you certainly didn't enjoy the screams. So, they taught you how to make them go away. The minds of the hosts you were taking,) Cassie clarified. (And most of you just listened. Obeyed orders. Because even if you thought they had some intelligence, they were nothing compared to Yeerks and Andalites. They were just bodies. Just-just meat, like you once told me?)
Aftran gave a mental, wordless nod.
(Some of us, when we infested humans, realized that the empire's ways were wrong,) Aftran told her. (I suppose that while we can justify taking, and mistreating, creatures who can barely think for themselves...but humans. We can claim otherwise, but any Yeerk knows, deep down, that they're as intelligent as we were.)
She gave a mental shudder, as though expecting the empire to hear her words. But, of course, the empire was long gone. And besides, her words were true.
(It's a lot for me to process, Aftran,) Cassie admitted. (I'd assumed that your hosts were involuntary...I guess I just made myself believe that you wouldn't hurt them. Even with Karen-I knew that she felt sorry for you. Even if she wanted to be free.)
(What I did to them remains a part of me,) Aftran told her, meaning every word, and knowing that Cassie could feel that she meant it. (I cannot take it back, even though I wish I could. I can't even tell Het how sorry I am, because even if he died of old age, in all likelihood, it was before you destroyed the empire. Besides, it's more likely that he died as a slave, in battle. Broken.)
Cassie gave a mental nod. (At least...you learned from it,) she told Aftran. (You didn't torture Karen. And yeah, it's not like we can change the past,) Cassie allowed. (Well, not without the Time Matrix, and that opens up a whole new set of problems.)
Aftran should have been content with Cassie's words, but she found herself wanting something else from her. Comfort, even though she didn't deserve it. But at soon as the thought entered her mind, she found herself enveloped in what could only be described as a "mental hug" from Cassie. It was, she knew, as strong and warm as a physical hug. It filled her entire mind, her being, with happiness. Perhaps, what Cassie was doing was releasing endorphines through her morphed body. Whatever the scientific explanation, it was working. It felt almost like going from standing in snowstorm to being immersed into a large bathtub, filled with hot water. Like being held while wrapped in a warm blanket.
She felt...safe. Accepted.
Forgiven.
(Ohhh,) Aftran murmured, savoring it all. (Thank you.)
She reciprocated the feeling as well as she knew, and felt her own warmth fall onto Cassie. The human made a sound of happiness, and the two just remained like that for awhile, comforting and loving each other.
Aftran could have basked in this for ages, but she knew that Cassie had to examine the rest of her memories, and besides, she probably shouldn't have given Aftran that hug. Cassie was there to be Aftran's Yeerk, to give Aftran a taste of what she had put her three other hosts through. It would not be right for them to take up any more of this time with this.
(You're probably right,) Cassie said, breaking apart from her host's mind with a sigh. (But when I'm your host, Aftran, I hope I'll get getting mental hugs from you.)
(Definitely. Regularly,) Aftran promised, rejoicing inwardly that Cassie hadn't rejected the notion of becoming Aftran's host, when it was all over.
Well, not yet.
Cassie glanced at the clock again. Only five minutes had passed.
(Onto Karen, then?) she asked Aftran. (Unless there's another host in between?)
(No, she's next,) Aftran confirmed, mentally preparing herself. (All right. I'm ready...)
Karen Armstrong was a six year old girl whose father owned a very successful bank. For reasons unknown to Aftran, her host's father had been unable to be taken, either by The Sharing or by force. As Karen had been too young to become a member of The Sharing without either of her parents being members, she would need to be taken by force.
Aftran had learned the plan beforehand, so that she would not be caught off guard if the human child asked her questions later. She had not objected, because this being her first human, how was she to know the procedure for taking a human child to be infested?
It had happened after school. Her next door neighbor, Mrs. Walker, had been told to pick Karen up from school instead of her mother. Since her mother was supposed to pick her up, though, Mrs. Walker would arrive a half an hour early with a message about her mother having had an accident. She was in the hospital, and while she was fine, she wanted to see Karen. Because Mrs. Walker was Karen's next door neighbor, Karen knew her well. There would be no question of not leaving school with a stranger, since Mrs. Walker was far from a stranger. Moreover, Karen's teacher knew Mrs. Walker, because Mrs. Walker had a son in the high school, and had, on occasion, picked Karen up instead of her mother. Nothing would be out of the ordinary. So, of course, Karen had been allowed to leave school early with her neighbor, to go to the hospital to see her mother.
Instead, as the plan went, Karen would been taken to the Yeerk Pool, where she was handed off to two Hork-Bajir guards, and promptly infested with Aftran.
As far as Aftran could tell, everything went smoothly. Of course, Karen had screamed, loudly, and had tried to break free of the guards. But if a grown man was no match for them, a six year old girl was even less so.
Aftran's first memory was it being rather difficult to get into the girl's head. Not because of movement from the girl-the guards held her head down with sufficient force-but because her head was small, and her ears were far smaller than a Hork-Bajir's or even a Gedd's.
They had warned her about this beforehand.
"Human bodies have excellent senses, but their ears are very small. It will be a tight fit, especially a human child, and you will need to release extra painkiller so you don't cause any permanent damage to her ears or to the organs in her brain," her now direct superior, Sub-Visser Nineteen, had told her, when Aftran still controlled a now silent Het.
Aftran had taken this advice to heart, and Karen had felt very little in the way of physical pain. Only the initial sting that couldn't be helped, before the medicine had begun to work. This couldn't be avoided with thrashing involuntary hosts, and besides, her instruction had told her that a small amount of pain had no lasting consequences on the human's ear drums.
Karen had cried, first at the Yeerk Pool, and then mentally, as Aftran took over her body and her voice ceased to be hers.
As soon as she had connected with the human child's mind, she was aware of the crying. The bewilderment. The fear. No, the terror. Because the child had never had as much as a nightmare in which she couldn't make herself wake up from-a common enough thing for humans to experience, she learned later-let alone think that an alien life form could take over her body.
This was not a host who had known about the Yeerk invasion beforehand, nor had grown up with Yeerks.
Aftran felt some sympathy for the girl, as much as she tried to hide it. She immediately resolved to treat this child as she would a first time Gedd host.
She waited until she was certain that she had full control before speaking to the human child.
(Hello, Karen,) she said, as gently as she knew how. (My name is Aftran Nine-Four-Two. I am a Yeerk.)
The cries stopped as the human child attempted to process this information.
(What is a Yeerk?) Then, before Aftran could answer, (What is an Aftran?)
(A Yeerk is an alien,) Aftran replied, keeping her tone kind. (Aftran is my name. Your name is Karen?)
(Yes,) replied the child. Then, (Aftran.)
Aftran straightened herself up, with help from the guards. She felt Karen's terror as she saw them.
(Aftran, don't let them get me!) she screamed.
(They won't "get you", Karen,) Aftran answered, struggling, a little, to keep her voice gentle. (I promise.)
(Okay,) replied Karen, her voice back to normal.
(Now,) Aftran continued, (We are going back to your home with Mrs. Walker.)
(What about my mommy?) Karen asked, trying to move, but failing. She tried harder, but to no avail. Aftran was relieved to find, despite Karen's struggling, that it was not the slightest challenge to keep her hold on her. (Aftran, I can't move!) she wailed.
Aftran tried to keep her voice calm as she spoke. (Karen, you don't need to worry. Your mommy, as you call her, is at home, waiting for you.)
(She's not at the hospital?) Aftran demanded. (They said she was at the hospital!)
(Karen!) Aftran raised her voice, and felt her host stiffen, mentally. After a moment, she continued. (No, Karen. Your mommy did not have an accident and is not at the hospital. Mrs. Walker told you and your teacher this so that you would be taken here. So that I could meet you,) she added. The last part sounded false in her head, or at least, not entirely true, but then, Aftran was speaking to a human child.
Karen took a minute to digest this. (My mommy is okay?)
(Yes.)
Aftran could feel relief flood through her host, only to be replaced by dread as she tried-yet again-to make her feet move without success. (Aftran, why can't I move?) she whimpered.
(You cannot move because I am moving for you,) Aftran told her, quickly. (You will not be able to move again for another three days, when I will leave your body for a few hours. But, I will be back, and I will continue to move for you. I will also continue to speak for you. I will-)
(NO!) screamed Karen, interrupting Aftran's explanation. (GET OUT! GET OUT! I want to move! I want to speak! GET OUT!)
Aftran was torn. She could discipline Karen, although in a much gentler way than she had with Het. Or, she could-what, exactly? The girl was too young to be reasoned with. She understood things, but only in a very limited way. Perhaps...
(Karen, that is not very nice behavior,) Aftran scolded. (Stop yelling at me. Now.)
Aftran's tone must have resembled her mother's, or perhaps her father's, when they were angry. Because, she went silent immediately.
(I'm sorry,) she said.
(That's all right,) Aftran said, more gently. But, she had to make her point clear. (Now, I want you listen to me very carefully. You are NOT to yell at me like that, or I will be very angry at you. If you want to ask me questions, I will answer them, but you may not raise your voice at me. Do you understand?)
Karen began to cry-mentally, of course. (I-I just want my body back!)
Aftran sighed, then resolved to be firm with the girl. She could do that without causing any permanent damage, after all. It would be better for Karen to be afraid of Aftran for what she was and what she might be able to do than for anything she actually did.
(I already told you, Karen. When I am in your head, I am in charge of your body.) Before Karen could say anything else, Aftran quickly added, (You will have it for a couple of hours, every few days. But, for the rest of the time, it is mine.)
Karen's cries continued for the rest of the afternoon, but at least they weren't screams, and at least she didn't fight Aftran for control. Aftran thought that this was a good enough compromise.
Besides, she couldn't focus all of her attention on the human mind in the body. Nor could she revel in the senses that her new body brought her. She tapped into Karen's memory-eliciting more cries and pleas for Aftran to stop-for any information that was strictly necessary. She knew that she should do a full search, but that would have to wait until after her host was asleep. Perhaps it was indulgent on Aftran's part, but since a small search elicited more cries than usual, she didn't want to think about how her new host would react to a complete search.
Aftran knew that she could silence Karen, but the memory of a silent Het was still present in her mind, and Karen was far more intelligent than her Hork-Bajir host. No, Aftran could put up with crying, at least for now. Besides, Karen had stopped trying to get control.
During the weeks and months that followed, Karen became more quiet on her own. To Aftran's surprise, she realized that she did not have to break her host in order to gain some peace and quiet-Karen soon lost hope that anything would change. On occasion, she asked her Yeerk questions, and Aftran always provided truthful answers. Karen looked forward to the times when Aftran fed, but not being in the cages for those two hours. The first several times, she attempted to escape, resulting in cuts from the Hork-Bajir guards. Aftran had yelled at them for this, later.
"You fools!" she had thundered, aware at how silly she must sound, using Karen's small voice. "Do you see what you have done to my host?"
"It's only scrapes, Aftran Nine-Four-Two," one of them replied.
"My host's mother and father are not one of us. How do you think they will react when they see these marks? It could hurt my cover!" she'd retorted.
After a few half-hearted apologies, Aftran turned around, ignoring the guards, and decided to concoct a story about falling down on the playground. Children, Aftran knew from her host's memories, were often injuring themselves that way. Still, it had been foolhardy for the guards to injure her host!
Afterwards, the guards had been more gentle towards Karen. Moreover, because she was young, often the other people in the cages were kind to her. Most of the humans, Aftran observed, either spent the time screaming, crying, or sitting there with blank looks. They obsessed on what they believed they had lost, not realizing they were still alive and being cared for. They may only be bodies for the Yeerks, but unlike human farmers, they would not be killed and consumed for food.
When Aftran returned from feeding, she would search her host's memories of the time. With, over time, lessening degrees of protestation. It was usually the same. Being held by a woman or older girl. Occasionally, playing some kind of game with a fellow child who was a host to the Yeerks. Karen returned in a better mood-until, of course, it registered that the two hours of relative freedom were gone and her "yucky, body snatching alien" was back for another three days.
In the beginning, Karen would cry and tell Aftran to go away. That she hated her. HATED HER. Aftran did not bother to discipline or silence her. The human child eventually got tired and would take the mental equivalent of a "nap". When she woke up, she would be uncertain of where she was, until Aftran told her. Still tired, Karen would be silent for awhile, sometimes until it was time for her actual bedtime.
Aftran, meanwhile, played the part of the human child to perfection. No one suspected anything. When it came time for her to feed, Mrs. Walker would take her. Often, after school had finished, or before it began. If she was late, her teacher did not notice-because she, too, was a Controller.
At some point, Karen attempted to befriend Aftran. Aftran, of course, rebuffed her host's attempts. Perhaps, had Karen been voluntary from the beginning, some sort of agreement could have been reached. But it was too late, now.
Still. It was around this time that Karen stopped hating Aftran, and began to feel sorry for her.
(I know what you are when you're not in my head,) she told her one day.
(And what is that?)
(A slug. A slimy slug,) Karen had replied, matter of factly.
Aftran hadn't answered her.
And then, weeks after this exchange that still haunted Aftran, Estril was killed in battle. So, Aftran went to find his killer. Which led to meeting Cassie.