Aftran felt Cassie hesitate here, before opening the memory sequence-as some Yeerks had once called it-in which Cassie and Aftran met for the first time.
(Cassie?) Aftran asked, after a long silence from her Yeerk. Well, morphed Yeerk. (Is something wrong?)
Cassie sighed. (To be honest, Aftran, I'd rather skip over this part. But we can't because-) Here, she gave a mental nod to the guards. (Not that they would find out, necessarily, but, well, it's the spirit of the thing, right?) She managed a little laugh.
Cassie's remarks did nothing to assuage Aftran's confusion. (I don't understand. What part would you rather not experience through my eyes?)
(All of it,) Cassie admitted. Then, she clarified, speaking softly, (But mostly, placing my friends and family at risk...when I made you infest me.)
Aftran managed a laugh, as a means to diffuse the situation. (I remember that vividly. You weren't overly afraid at the time. If anything, I was more concerned that it was a trap. While I may have had some sort of refuge in you as a host, your fellow friend and warrior was more than ready to kill me.)
(Yeah.) Cassie sighed. (At the time, I didn't think you'd take off, even though you had to. Nor did it occur to me, in that moment, that I was giving you access to my morphing powers.)
(What did you hope would happen?)
Aftran hasn't paid much attention, at the time, to Cassie's immediate motives. Her first goal had been to enter her new host without harming herself. Before the other human boy could stop her. Kill her. Then, the instinct to take control and access her host's memory had taken over. She remembered Cassie's emotions, at least a little. Fear had been the dominant one. Later, regret. But Aftran hadn't bothered to search Cassie's memory to the extent of finding out why she had behaved, at that moment, as she had.
Cassie spoke slowly. (I guess...I figured that without you in Karen, we could speak directly to her. See if there was something we were missing. You know-you knew back then-that I did not want to kill Karen, but I also didn't want to kill you.)
By Kandrona starvation. Because all they would have needed to do was keep Karen captive for another day or so. A crippled child without any weapons would have no way to escape. And, Aftran knew, they had done it before.
(Exactly,) Cassie confirmed Aftran's unspoken sentence. (I saw Jake go through that, with Tom's first Yeerk. Jake later told me that he hadn't felt any pain-only experienced what the Yeerk had gone through. But, somewhere inside me, I guess I thought that would have been too much for Karen to handle.)
(It might have been,) Aftran admitted. (Even if she didn't feel anything.)
(I didn't want to kill you. You saw that, in my memories. It was the driving reason behind my letting you in my head.)
(Yes.) After all of these years, Aftran remembered this, vividly.
(And, when I saw her, a few weeks later, Karen confirmed that you had freed her,) Cassie recalled.
(I remember. You let me see that when you let me in your head again. Months later.) Aftran smiled mentally at Cassie.
(Looking back,) Cassie admitted, (I never completely understood that. Not that I doubted that Karen was speaking for herself, or that she was free. Just, how she remained free.)
(Ah,) Aftran said, rather mischievously. (Well, Cassie, in order for you to understand that, you will have to go through my memories.)
Cassie laughed a little at that. (I could just skip on ahead.)
(You could,) Aftran allowed, with a mental grin, (but...I'd rather you didn't, Cassie. Even if it's more difficult for me. I wasn't very...back then, I had a lot of what humans call "growing up" to do. In all fairness, though, I was only six years old in human years when I infested Karen. Yeerks begin training at age one, and if they're assigned their first official host, it's generally before age two. I was about a year and a half-in human years, of course-when I received my first Gedd.)
She felt Cassie's interest pique at this. (You two were the same age?)
Aftran gave a mental shrug. (We mature earlier, usually by age one. At least, physically. But yes, technically speaking, we were the same age.)
(Hmm.)
Cassie, Aftran could tell, would be content to think on this for awhile longer, and Aftran had to give her Yeerk a mental nudge.
(Cassie...)
(Oh, all right,) the human laughed.
The Andalite who had murdered her brother by use of one of those fiendish Earth creatures had to be around there, but all Aftran saw was a black female child. No, not really a child. The human was at least twice the age as her current host, based on her experience living in Karen.
(Where are you going, Aftran?) Karen asked, peaking out from the mental corner of her mind.
It had been six months since her initial infestation. Aftran had tried to be as kind to her child host as she could during this time. Not that she could do much in the way that humans would view kindness. Not without being considered a traitor. But Aftran vowed not to be intentionally cruel to her child host.
This was, she knew, the Yeerk equivalent of kindness.
Aftran knew that some Yeerks probed their host's every thought, at least, the ones who had involuntary hosts. Always waiting for resistance to stamp out. The few Aftran knew with voluntary hosts-who were not Taxxons-could afford to, if not ignore their hosts, at least not take the types of precautions that those with highly resistant hosts took. Some, she heard, even granted their hosts periods of control outside of the Yeerk Pool.
She, of course, couldn't afford to do that. Karen was far from voluntary. But she avoided searching her host's memory when it wasn't entirely necessary. Perhaps, it was an indication of Aftran's remorse over breaking Het that she allowed Karen this measure of privacy. Not in the sense that her host could hide her thoughts from her, but Aftran could let Karen think what she wanted without making her presence felt.
Besides, after several months of Aftran's control, Karen's thoughts entered into the same sort of pattern. Missing direct interaction with her family, of course. Wanting to be free, while still feeling despair, because she felt that she would never be free. Yet, Aftran knew her host felt a small measure of pity for the poor slug in her brain-as she now thought of with regards to Aftran. Some anger at Aftran for keeping her a prisoner in her mind. And, in spite of everything, a small level of hope that it would not always be this way. That she would be free beyond the cages of the Yeerk Pool.
(Aftran, where are we going?) the human child asked, as she realized that Karen had separated herself from the rest of her Yeerk command group, while not heading home to her parents.
(I am going to find the Andalite who murdered my brother, and then kill him,) Aftran replied, even though she was under no obligation to give Karen an answer.
Karen gave no verbal answer to this, since she must have sensed that there was nothing she could see to get her Yeerk to change her mind, or did she have any hope of fighting back.
Still. Aftran felt her worry, and didn't attempt to reassure her.
Finding Cassie, or the "Andalite bandit" proved to be easy. Except, she ended up nearly losing her life in the process. To her relief and annoyance, Cassie saved her life. Then, out of some misguided sense of obligation mixed with honor, she saved Cassie's.
Despite telling Cassie that they owed each other nothing, Aftran knew this wasn't entirely true. After all, they were now lost in the woods, and Aftran had to rely on Cassie's expertise. No doubt, the Andalite bandits had been hiding out around here.
Cassie, to Aftran's annoyance, kept attempting to befriend Aftran. Pretending not to know about Andalites or Yeerks, and even offering her mushrooms, which Aftran refused. Not, as she claimed, because they were gross, but because she didn't want to be in the human's debt. Better to suffer hunger.
When they slept, Aftran briefly considered infesting Cassie by force. But, ultimately, she decided it wasn't worth the risk. The human could be a light sleeper, and as soon as Aftran had disconnected from Karen's brain, her old host could drag her out of Cassie and kill her. Or, scream and wake the girl up, which would have the same result. She knew Yeerks who had practiced entering and leaving their hosts to the extent that they could control which parts of the body they controlled last. She had never bothered to learn this. Not that she regretted it now. The plan would be too risky. Better to find a way to get back to her fellow Yeerks, and then give the information about Cassie to Sub-Visser Nineteen. The higher ups would receive the information about her fellow warriors from her brain, and Aftran would be well rewarded.
(Thanks a lot,) came Cassie's voice, a mixture of annoyance and amusement. (Although, for the record, I'm a moderate to heavy sleeper on most nights. You probably could have infested me without much effort. As long as your host didn't grab me in time.)
(It was still too risky a gamble to take, Cassie,) Aftran replied, sending her an image of a smiling slug.
Cassie gave a mental shudder at that. (That image is horrifying, Aftran. Please, do me a favor and promise never to show me that again. It will give me nightmares for weeks.)
Aftran was pretty sure that Cassie was kidding, but they both knew there was some truth behind the words. Aftran could, after all, send Cassie into nightmares with a combination of what they had both seen. She had the capacity to break any host simply with her own memories. The host, by himself or herself, did not need to have any hidden trauma in their life in order to be broken.
But, wasn't that part of the point of today? To show Aftran what it meant to be powerless as a host? If so, it was working. Maybe it had only been a half an hour or so, but being kept prisoner in her own borrowed body, unable to do anything on her own, and Cassie going through her entire life history...it made her very aware of how little she could do.
Even if the infestation and memory reel would end in an hour and a half for Aftran, it hadn't for so many other hosts. Neither, she knew, had the torture. While most Yeerks used memory torture only as a way to discipline a "resistant" host, there were those who used it for their own personal recreation. As a way to relieve boredom. Those Yeerks, Aftran knew, were all in the pool with just enough Kandrona rays to stay alive. They would never be eligible for infestation. There was even rumors that they were kept apart from their fellow Yeerks, in cages, to prevent any communication with their fellow prisoners. It was a light punishment compared to what they deserved, but the human government wished to show even the worst Yeerks a level of mercy, given their corrupt government that had trained them to be heartless.
Aftran became aware of the memory reel stopping. (Cassie?)
(You were immersed in your own thoughts,) Cassie explained. (Ready to continue?)
Aftran gave a mental nod.
Marco had arrived before long, and Cassie had pled for the lives of Karen and Aftran. Karen had been aware of everything that had happened, had even tried to fight for control at one point. Aftran hadn't bothered to scold her, much less punish her. When Cassie began to morph wolf and grabbed Karen's head towards hers, Aftran had not hesitated before entering Cassie's ear.
The body, itself, was not dissimilar to Karen's. Larger, certainly, but still a human child. Well, a human teenager, as they called themselves. Cassie had recently turned fourteen years of age.
Cassie stopped the memory reel again, causing Aftran to feel mild disorientation. The memories of infestation were always vivid in her mind, but Cassie's had been the most powerful to date.
(Cassie?) she asked, reaching out to her Yeerk.
(When they announced that they were working on a cure for nothlits,) Cassie began, (I remembered when you were in my head. I'd never forgotten it, but it had been decades. You didn't traumatize me either time, exactly, but the second time was definitely...you didn't take control. Not as you connected to my mind. You did, later, when I let you. The first time, I remember a sort of bleeding. Not literally, but as you made contact with my mind, and as I lost control, I saw your memories. And now. I'm in your head, but the same kind of thing didn't happen.)
Even though Cassie was the Yeerk, Aftran could understand the unasked question as clearly as though she had been the one in charge.
(When I infested you the first time, I was under great physical stress,) Aftran began. (You were part morphed, and nearly forcing me to infest you. Your friend was also an immediate threat to me. Staying in Karen, refusing to leave her head, seemed like it would have been a near fatal move. So, I left her head and entered yours as quickly as I could. The conditions for infestation were hardly...ideal. Had you been at the Yeerk Pool and your head was being held under the water...or I was in a tank and your head was being held there...those are the two most common ways Yeerks infest their hosts. Voluntarily or not. We're not supposed to...) Aftran cut herself off. (A Yeerk was expected to keep themselves closed off from their host as much as possible. Emotions seep through, but we were told not to let any memories get out unless we were showing them to our host on purpose. The stress of the situation made me want to enter your head as quickly as possible, take control as soon as I could. I suppose I saw it as a sort of a race. I was...hasty.)
(You didn't mean for me to see what I did?) Cassie asked.
Aftran gave a mental shrug. (I...was intending to show you parts of my life. To elicit sympathy. Not immediately, but...)
Cassie seemed disappointed. (Manipulation.)
(At first,) Aftran agreed. (Until I saw yours. Keep going, Cassie. Please?)
Cassie obliged, wordlessly.
Her new host's experiences were, of course, as far from Karen's as was possible to be. Karen was the only daughter to a rich family who doted on her. Cassie was also an only child, and her parents loved her, but she had grown up doing farm chores since she was Karen's age. And enjoying the work. Aftran could tell that it showed in her build. Cassie may have considered herself to be chunky, though not exactly overweight, but Aftran thought that what Cassie thought of as "chunky" would more accurately be described as muscular. Not that she was any great threat-outside of her ability to change into any vicious animal at will. She was no threat for a Hork-Bajir in her human form.
Aftran hadn't had a chance to search the entirety of Cassie's memories, so she claimed later, but the truth was that she wanted to enjoy the body itself. While Karen and Cassie were both humans, Cassie's body was more developed, and uninjured. It was easier to navigate with. Not to mention, Cassie possessed the morphing ability associated, until now, solely with Andalites. All the same, Aftran was curious enough about her new-temporary, she knew-host to look around at some of Cassie's memories. She told herself that Cassie must have been expecting Aftran to look around in her mind while she was there. It even occurred to Aftran that she might want to keep Cassie as her host body, after using her to turn in the others. All the same, she knew that the human would ultimately be unwilling host regardless of her actions towards her, Aftran was wary of traumatizing her from the start. At least, she wasn't screaming in her head, the way Karen had at the beginning.
No, Aftran was relieved to find that Cassie-while bewildered by her own decision to force the Yeerk to infest her-was quiet as Aftran looked through some of her memories.
This gave Aftran the time to understand Cassie as a person. It was considerably easier to get to know your host when they weren't screaming in the back of their head. What amazed Aftran the most, even more than Cassie's morphing ability and her warriors' ability to be a thorn in the side of Visser Three, was her own beliefs. That all life was-in the human's mind-sacred. From a termite queen to a human being. To a Yeerk. Cassie did not want to kill Aftran to save Karen. Even if it was the logical thing to do, and, in light of the war they were in, the right thing to do.
Aftran acknowledged that Cassie had killed before then, but it had always been in self defense. Because, after all, the Yeerks were out to destroy everything she held sacred, so any killing that she did on her end was justified, and in defense of the planet. She might not kill a Controller in cold blood in his own bed, but warriors were fair game. So, she had believed before. Now, it seemed, her new host had left the Animorphs because she was weary of killing. It was not, as Aftran had callously suggested earlier, because her old life had ceased to be interesting. Rather, she was tired of the violence. She would even-Aftran knew-sacrifice her own freedom for Karen's life.
Aftran knew that she would not keep Cassie as her host, and she would find a way to free Karen. She, as well, as tired of the fighting. Besides, she believed that there was a better way. She had not been lying to Cassie when she said that there were Yeerks who refused to take unwilling hosts. Granted, they had done so diplomatically, usually volunteering for a Taxxon instead of a Hork-Bajir or human. Few Yeerks wanted Taxxon bodies, because of the hunger they faced, but it was because of the hunger that all Taxxons were voluntary. A Yeerk would have to fight the hunger on a regular basis, but they would never have to fight the mind.
Besides, there were voluntary humans. Enough, possibly, for every Yeerk who wanted one to have one. Still. These Yeerks had to join together, had to take a stand against the empire and the way they were shaping the Yeerk race. Aftran had known from the other Yeerks that once, they had coexisted with Gedds and improved them as a species. The relationship had been symbiotic. Perhaps, something like that could be formed with humanity. But only, Aftran knew, if there were enough Yeerks who were willing to fight for it.
(You changed. After seeing inside my mind,) Cassie observed.
(Well, hard not to,) Aftran retorted, making her tone teasing. (You were such a goodie goodie. I mean, Cassie, you felt remorse over killing a termite!)
(I believed that all life was precious. I still do,) was the response.
(I know.) Aftran grew serious. (But yes. I realized that I couldn't keep Karen a slave anymore. I'd been fighting with myself, ever since-ever since breaking Het. I suppose that I wanted to make amends, but didn't know how to do so. Giving up Karen wouldn't help him, of course, but it would help her.)
(And others,) Cassie noted. (Your sacrifice gave over a hundred Yeerks the courage for fight for our freedom. You would have given your life for it.)
Aftran laughed. (By the time you had saved me from Visser Three, I had matured. I was...less selfish.)
After all, Aftran wasn't about to give up everything merely for the sake of "doing the right thing". Before Aftran could agree to free Karen and risk her life for this cause, she needed to test Cassie's resolution. Her desire for peace.
It would have been a mistake to believe that Aftran did not know about caterpillars changing into butterflies. It was precisely for this reason that she selected a caterpillar. She could have found a worm easily enough, or a slug. Or any other insect without eyes. Why, she could have made Cassie use one from her own memory. However, Aftran was not entirely sure how long it took for a caterpillar to be ready to begin to turn into a butterfly. Surely, it did not happen on their first day on this planet. Nor, Aftran had to admit, did she anticipate that once Cassie had turned into a butterfly, that she would be able to morph again. She imagined that Cassie would be happy to have wings and-possibly?-be able to see again, but that she would live out the rest of her life as a butterfly.
(Did you think I had cheated you, morphing back?) Cassie asked her. (I debated whether I should just ignore my friends when they told me.)
Aftran sighed. (I never meant you to become a nothlit, Cassie. The thoughts you saw just now...those were only my thoughts. By the time I had it all planned, I knew that it was only supposed to be a test. I planned to stop you-reach out to you-five minutes before the two hour mark. What I failed to recognize was that without Marco there, there was no one to send you a message. I had been intent on keeping us hidden for two hours or longer, but I isolated you from any means of communication. I thought that you would hear me in caterpillar form, that it didn't matter. That you would demorph once I told you to do so. When you didn't, I knew that you couldn't hear me.) Aftran realized that she was mentally crying at the memory. (I guess, I thought that if you heard me and became human again, I could use that against you. Or, at least, as a form of leverage. To do that, I don't know. I was going to free Karen either way. And, with her freed, I would have to hide myself in the pool for as long as possible. You didn't know-you couldn't know-that I was about to be living on borrowed time. Anyway, since I never intended you to become a nothlit, how could I have been angry when you found a way out?)
(I guess,) Cassie mused, (you must have been glad when I rescued you that I had. Because, with all of the others sick, there was no one else to rescue you.)
(Or your friends, either,) Aftran pointed out. (I would have lasted as long as I could under Visser Three, but I could not say for certain that I wouldn't break at some point. I would like to say that I would have died for you and your friends...but there's no way of knowing.)
They were both quiet for a few moments. Then, Cassie spoke. (How did you manage to keep Karen free?)
(See for yourself,) Aftran replied, smiling mentally. (It is your job as my temporary Yeerk.)
(Touche,) Cassie retorted, laughing.
Once they arrived at Karen's home, Aftran knew that she had to act quickly. She realized that the mere act of freeing her child host would be simple compared to keeping her free. If she couldn't manage the latter, there would be little point of doing the former. Regardless of how it affected Aftran-she imagined that if the truth came out, another Yeerk would be given her host, and she would be starved for treason. Perhaps, then, it did matter. Aftran's life would be at stake if Karen could not remain free.
Aftran decided that the best way for them to do this task was for Karen and her family to move outside of the state. There was a window of time. For as long as Aftran remained hidden from the empire, Karen would probably be safe from the threat of infestation. If they acted too soon, people would notice. Her host's father, Aftran knew, would have to sell his bank and they would have to sell their house. The only way to convince Aftran's parents of this, convincingly, was for Aftran to first tell them everything, and then show her to her host's parents.
She kept all of this was simple as she could to the human child.
(Karen, in order to keep you free, you and your parents need to leave your home for good. They can't run away, because people would notice. I need to explain everything to them. Once I do, I will leave your head. You have to tell them everything. But, Karen, you cannot let them kill me. All right?)
Her host gave a mental nod. (A-and I have to put you back in my head.)
(Yes. No matter what they tell you, I need to go back in your head,) Aftran confirmed.
They had been getting along better since their encounter with Cassie. Aftran had been sharing control with Karen. And Karen had not done anything with it that she wasn't supposed to. Yell, for instance, about Yeerks. Aftran trusted Karen as much as she could trust a small human child to do everything correctly.
It went as well as could be expected. Aftran spoke to Karen's parents one evening, exactly a week after Karen had been returned home. She told them everything. About Yeerks, about how Karen had been taken to observe her father, and how Aftran had gotten lost after trying to track down the alien who had killed her brother. That, when the alien (who turned out to be human) and her had spent a day or so together, she realized that she needed to free Karen. Especially since the human who could become any animal at will was now trapped in the body of a caterpillar. Aftran told Karen's parents that she would free their daughter, and then they had to sell everything and move. Not that night, but they certainly should do everything as quickly as possible without raising any suspicions.
Predictably, Karen's parents believed nothing.
So, Aftran left Karen's head for the second time, without a Yeerk pool or guards being nearby to prevent her from being killed.
She'd told Karen to put her in a glass of water immediately afterwards, but either the human forgot, or she had worried that her parents would kill Aftran. Once Aftran was back in her head, she learned it was the latter. Aftran still felt the warmth of the small child's hands around her. Holding her close, protecting her.
It had felt like hours, but since Aftran didn't feel herself beginning to dry up, it had to have been fewer than fifteen minutes. Finally, she'd felt Karen lift her up to her ear, and she pushed her way inside. She was not, thank the Kandrona, in so much of a hurry that she neglected to use plenty of painkillers. This was not only for the benefit of the child, but so that her parents would have another-faulty-excuse to kill her.
They believed Karen, even if they hadn't believed Aftran. Which was hardly surprising to the Yeerk, especially since the existence of aliens was still a question in their minds, rather than an irrefutable fact. Now, of course, they knew the truth.
Neither Aftran nor Karen knew much of the details, and Aftran freed Karen the next time she went to the Yeerk Pool. Months passed before her capture, so Aftran believed that her host-her former host-was safe.
(She is,) Cassie confirmed, now. (Five years after the war ended, I finally managed to find her. She had a new name, and she was thirteen, so of course, she looked a lot older.) Cassie laughed, probably realizing that Karen after the war was the same age that she had been when the war started. (Her family moved to another state, and her dad sold the bank. They went, as we call it, off the grid, for most of the war. Karen's mom homeschooled her, and hardly let her out of her their sight, even though the Yeerks weren't active in the midwest back then. Their got new names, of course, but her dad also made sure that they paid for everything they could in cash. Not their house, obviously, but anything else that wasn't suspicious. It was easier back then. No social media, for one thing. After the war ended, they moved back to California. Even managed to buy back their own house from the owners.)
(I'm so glad,) Aftran murmured. (Is she...?)
(She was a completely normal teenager,) Cassie reassured Aftran. (We've kept in touch. She's now-thirty-four, I believe. And Aftran, she's even considering becoming a part time host.)
Aftran laughed. (Are you serious?)
(Yes, why else would scientists have bothered finding a cure for nothlits? Not that they'll admit to it, but Yeerks were the ones who stood the most to benefit. There are many humans who were voluntary during the war, but there weren't enough Yeerks at the end to fill the need. Even after we allowed them to reproduce. Now, though, there should be enough for every human who wants a Yeerk to have one.)
(And Karen's one of them?)
(Well, she's definitely thinking about it.) Cassie shrugged. (I don't know if she'll go through with it-some don't, or not at first. But, what's important is that she's happy, and if she does become a Controller, it's her decision. Not that we call them that, anymore. Symbiont is the "politically correct" term,) Cassie concluded, rolling her eyes (mentally) and doing the human hand gesture of finger quotes over the term "politically correct".
Relief flooded Aftran. That the child hadn't been permanently damaged, that she was open enough to give Yeerks another chance. How much had happened in the past twenty-seven years? She'd known that humans evolved in their technology, even in their mindsets, far faster than the Andalites had. Even so...
(I suppose we're up to the point in my memories in which I attempt to recruit other Yeerks, and inadvertently end up revealing myself, thereby nearly getting everyone killed,) Aftran told Cassie, after they watched the memory of her leaving Karen for good.
(Let's do it,) Cassie replied. She glanced at the clock. (We're already forty minutes in.)